Enjoy!
by C. Lee
Captain's Log Stardate 50134:
It has been two weeks since we've re-commandeered Voyager from the Kazon and we've been steadily making our way out of Kazon space. Although we've used that time to effect repairs and remove Kazon modifications, the ship and crew require extensive fine tuning to reach peak performance. To that end, I've had all department heads review and enhance all systems, and conduct a series of drills. I want us to be prepared for any contingency. After our last encounter with the Kazon Nistrum, it's clear that Starfleet standards are inadequate for life in the delta quadrant. This is especially true as Voyager has been a focused target of these inhabitants. Although an attack from the Kazon at this point is unlikely, we must be prepared for undoubtedly larger unknown challenges of this quadrant, *if* we are ever to make it ... home.
Captain Janeway stood stiffly gazing out of the Briefing Room window. There were many moments when she enjoyed the lull of speeding stars, or anticipated the adventure of the next system. Now they served as an unblinking reminder of their sole existence in the vastness of this new space. With the ease of frequent discipline, she tuned her mind to quickly review the last month.
Behind her, the Senior Officers were assembling for the morning briefing. Chakotay, first to arrive, took the opportunity to study Captain Janeway. Normally, she was seated, nodding acknowledgement as each officer entered, eager to launch the meeting with the last arrival. Less often, she stood, but still acknowledged each presence. Today, her stiff back sent out a clear message. This was going to be a gruelling session. Everybody had better be prepared.
Chakotay closed his eyes and inhaled a deep breath as the operational details flowed quickly through his mind. As he opened his eyes, Tuvok entered and surveyed the room with the slightest raised eyebrows. He sat across Chakotay and stared straight past him without revealing any acknowledgement of today's change. Chakotay then activated the monitor which allowed the Doctor to appear. He greeted Chakotay and Tuvok but stared puzzled at Janeway's back.
With long practice, Chakotay surveyed each officer as they came in. Paris and Kim entered together. Paris recounted a tale meant to loosen Kim's strained demeanour. Paris' eyebrows quirked as he looked around the room while Kim further stiffened in response to the tense air. Paris' amusement widened as he watched Kim stiffen yet somehow manage to seat himself.
Neelix and Kes entered next and made their way across the room. As Neelix beamed his cheerful smile around the table, his expression quickly dropped as he scrambled to take a seat and darted a furtive glance around. Kes sat at his side. She quietly absorbed one serious face to the next.
B'Elanna was usually last to arrive, travelling from Engineering. She strode quickly into the room with a scowl, and took her seat. She was still deep in thought until the quietness of the room urged her to look up. All eyes, except for Janeway and Tuvok, were on her. Her scowl deepened.
Captain Janeway could identify each Senior Officer as they assembled behind her. By the time she heard the final swish of the doors, she had completed her mental review of this meeting's agenda. Janeway abruptly turned. She walked towards her place at the table's head, and stood as she spoke.
"I've been reviewing the departmental analysis of all systems and crew. My congratulations to you all for getting the ship back in order so quickly. Things are looking good, but we need to be even better to face the coming challenges. In order to do that, there'll be many changes and I'll need everyone's total commitment to these goals. Now that all systems are stable, it's time to review our weaknesses and systematically eliminate them."
"Ensign Kim, what happened in the battle with the Kazon?" she demanded. "Why was the secondary command processor required to initiate the self-destruct system. For that matter, why wasn't an authorisation code required to transfer command control. Finally, why didn't the computer display warnings of these lost functions. When the self-destruct system could not activate, I took some small comfort knowing that the command codes would be locked. What happened to these safeguards?"
Harry cleared his voice. "Captain, I've been plagued with these questions as well. I scoured all system schematics and none of the functions were designed with this intent. After looking through a year of modification logs, I found an anomaly. After the Sikarian transporter installation, many functions were re-routed through the secondary command processor. The physical routing modifications were properly logged but not the programming ones. These were not synchronised or advertised to the system."
B'Elanna winced. "Captain, I made those physical modifications at that time to bypass the main systems. It was a modification that was required to covertly install the Sikarian transporter. But that would not have affected the command functions."
"Not normally, but somebody could have used that opportunity to reroute key command programs without system detection," offered Harry.
Janeway leant forward. "Seska," she hissed.
"This does seem likely," added Tuvok. Seska was involved in the Sikarian transporter installation. Furthermore, as a Cardassian spy, she did have a motivation to cripple Voyager. It seems she was prepared for an eventual return to the alpha quadrant had the transporter worked."
Harry shook his head. "It's unlikely Seska pre-planned this as any physical modification would be immediately detected. But, when B'Elanna modified the physical route, the opportunity presented itself. Seska could have easily programmed the command code sequences including the computer warning suppressions without any detection at that time. There's only five people with that kind of systems experience, and she was one of them."
"Having placed this 'well-laid trap', it's no wonder she formed an alliance with the Kazon and was so intent on commandeering Voyager." Chakotay reasoned.
"Good work Ensign," Janeway encouraged. "I'm concerned about this breach. Although we no longer have to contend with Seska, I do not want to find another of her 'surprises'. I'd like you and your crew to scour every function for other anomalies."
"Captain, that may take months and we may still overlook some modifications."
"I'm aware of the magnitude of the task Ensign. Frankly, I don't like the alternative. Flying blind with a ticking bomb. I have full confidence in your ability to complete the job. I'd like you to work with the other six officers who handle the operation station."
"Aye, aye Captain," Harry responded, as he swelled with pride.
"Tuvok, good report on security weaknesses. You outlined drills for your security team to handle third party boarding. As a research and science vessel, these drills were not overly emphasised. Unfortunately this has become a reality here. I want your team to drill the entire crew so that everyone is better prepared for future boarding scenarios."
Tuvok curtly nodded. "Captain, my team will be prepared in one week. At that time, we will expand the drill to incorporate all personnel. May I assume this includes the Doctor, Neelix and Kes?"
"This is a mandatory exercise for all personnel. The Doctor's program may need to be adjusted but he should be fully equipped with all conflict scenarios. Some of his 'weapons' should include shipwide drug releases that are safe for our crew, but would render aliens immobile. Kes and Neelix as a member of our crew, will need to actively participate in these drills. I myself, look forward to the gruelling sessions. I want you all to know that this is not an exercise I take lightly. This could mean the difference between us defending our ship, or going out with it."
Janeway continued. "Tuvok, I agree that more combat training with arms and hand-to-hand are required. We need to reduce the reliance on the two dozen security officers. We should double the current frequency of training. I want everyone to be in peak battle-form. For a longer term project, I'd like you to work with Neelix to examine alternate weaponry. When the last of our photons go, we will be very vulnerable to attacks. Please work with Neelix to examine the alternatives in this quadrant. Perhaps we can even modify alien technology and incorporate it into our weapons array."
Tuvok nodded approvingly. "Yes, Captain." It would seem that Security and Tactics were to be given a higher priority. A definite improvement from the previous months where Engineering and Operations were a focus. Given those circumstances, it was logical. Now, their continued existence relied on their ability to secure their safety from the many hostile forces.
Janeway nodded, then turned to Neelix. "Neelix, we've been too complacent about the superiority of our technology in this quadrant. Although Voyager has outclassed most ships, we are still a single vessel. Your detailed report of all known races by sector should be updated with additional emphasis on their technology, weapons, transportation, and battle strategies. As I've told Tuvok, I'd like you to work together to investigate alternate weapon sources. I'd also like you to examine options to obtain local shuttlecrafts to offset the ones we've lost. Finally, I'd like you to share your cooking responsibilities with a rotating crew, so you can increase your involvement with tactical."
Neelix was too engrossed with his unexpected responsibilities that he did not see the looks of relief about his cooking status. "Aye, aye Captain. I will not fail you. You'll get a report thorough enough to make Tuvok blush."
Janeway wryly grinned. "I doubt that Neelix, but your unwavering enthusiasm is appreciated." She was inwardly pleased that Neelix took the news so well. Later, she would probably hear his complaints of sharing his kitchen as the reality hit him. Given the groundswell of complaints about his cooking she knew she had no choice. There were certainly enough offers by the crew to rotate everyone into kitchen duty.
It was strange how the trivialities of a day affected the crew's morale more than crises. Traffic jams, a spat with a spouse, a bad haircut and clothes ruined in the recycler were found to cause more stress than dealing with deaths, changes and other crises. It probably had to do with being trained to rise above the occasional challenges, but allowing one to dwell on constant minor annoyances. And Neelix' cooking was definitely the crew pet peeve. Truth be told, she could not bear the idea of another year, let alone 70, of his 'creations'. But despite the guilt, it was time for changes. Starfleet long recognised the problems with extended space voyages hence the inclusion of many civilian niceties that were non-existent on early exploration ships.
"Why didn't the transporter or medical tricorder detect the presence of any explosive materials on that Kazon, Tierna?" asked Janeway.
"Captain, I can answer that question," the Doctor replied. "I've had the most unpleasant ... privilege of examining the ... remains of Mr. Tierna. I can tell you, Kazon do not smell any better from the inside. Apparently he used a natural explosive material. I was puzzled by the polysethinia or elevated levels of red blood cells. After I had the opportunity to study other Kazon physiology, I was able to make a base level comparison. Before coming on board this ship, Mr. Tierna ingested a methanol type substance. This caused the elevated red blood cells, but it is actually a highly toxic inebriated state. With these Kazon, you never can tell. Their hair probably curls tighter."
"Go on Doctor," Janeway impatiently urged.
"This form would stay in his blood stream for up to two weeks. This would be analogous to a severe case of Spontaneous Human Combustion condition looking for a spark. A simple prick with an enzymatic compound would react with the methanol and produce an explosion. This compound could easily be carried without detection. Mind you, this is not as efficient as conventional explosives as the reaction is immediate but not instantaneous. He would definitely be conscious for the first few seconds of bodily distension. In fact, given the remains, we could probably recreate the order of distension and deduce the first breaking point...
"That's enough Doctor," Janeway quickly cut him off. "Thank you for your analysis."
Janeway looked around the table resting on Kes, then the Doctor. "Kes has become such an integral and valued member of our crew that it's hard to imagine our journey without her. Like you all, I am acutely aware of her limited lifespan. Kes, with your permission, I'd like the Doctor to examine any options that would increase the longevity of your life. I don't want to get your hopes up, but I feel we must examine this possibility."
"Captain, since we met Tanis and the other Ocampans, I've been intrigued by the idea of an extended lifespan. Although theirs might have been assisted by Suspiria, perhaps there's an inherent yet dormant ability for my people to prolong their life. I'd like to assist the Doctor with this work."
"Well then, Captain, it seems all set. Kes and I will dedicate time to pursuing this matter with the utmost fervour."
Janeway nodded, then focused on Tom. "Lieutenant Paris, I'd like you to lead the effort to re-examine the Warp 10 project. Although Warp 10 may not be practical, I want to examine high sub Warp 10 travel."
Paris was surprised and excited. "Like quantum levels, warp energy requirements reduce at each integer level. Within a warp level, the energy requirement is exponential. To sustain high sub Warp 10, we'll need to work on developing a highly efficient energy source that can sustain those speeds." Tom whistled at the magnitude of the task.
"B'Elanna and Kim can give you a hand but this is your project. It may take several years, but it's an option we can't afford to give up. Besides, just imagine the significance of this discovery. We could travel to other areas of the universe, never mind other quadrants."
"Yes ma'am. I'm looking forward to this project."
"Tom, after a few months, you may not be thanking me. Make no mistake, this is a difficult assignment, but put together a good team and if anything else, the experience will be invaluable. You'll even have a test shuttlecraft at your disposal."
Janeway looked at Chakotay. "Chakotay, are there any other issues we need to discuss?"
Chakotay nodded. "To handle these changes, I'd like to reassign crew members based on personnel evaluation. I'll manage a new rotation so that all personnel are cross trained on various functions."
Janeway nodded. "Fine. Over the next month, you, Tuvok and I will revise our strategic and tactical plans. I look forward to learning more from your experience as a Starfleet instructor in Advanced Tactical Training.
"Yes, Captain, but I won't be giving you all my Maquis secrets," Chakotay grinned.
Janeway grinned back then turned to B'Elanna. "B'Elanna, I'd like you to work with Tom on improving engine efficiencies. We need to squeeze more speed out of the engines and Tom will need your help with the sub warp 10 energy consumption. I'd also like you to work with Harry in finding a way to transport the Doctor to other areas of the ship, and develop a way we can port him off Voyager. Finally, as a long term project, I'd like you to work with Tuvok to develop a cloaking device for Voyager."
"But Captain, wouldn't that violate the agreement with the Romulans?" questioned Harry.
"Harry, I've thought about this for a long time. Yes, you're right, this would violate the Federation/Romulan Treaty of Algeron. However, given that same logic, our agreement with the Cardassians should have forced me to toss the Maquis in the brig. I think we all understand the obligations we have to uphold Federation principles. However, agreements between Federation alliances fall into a grayer zone as the original intent is not as applicable here. I've decided that the benefit of returning Voyager in one piece with the assistance of cloaking technology far outweighs the obligation to an alliance whose members are not even in this quadrant. When we return to Federation Space, I alone will carry this burden if there is any disciplinary action."
"No, Captain," stood Chakotay. "I will support you in this decision and share the responsibility on our return. If you're court-martialled, they'll have to take me too."
Tuvok also stood. "Captain, I too will support this decision and stand by your side."
The remainder of the Senior Officers stood, and repeated the same notion. "Captain, you can count on me to defend you," Neelix added. "I'd just like them to try and court-martial you." He paused and tilted his head inquisitively. "What is a court-martial?"
Janeway was obviously touched as she looked at each earnest face. It took her a moment to clear her throat. "Thank you all for your support." She paused, then lifted her chin. "This is all for starters. I expect a progress report by 0700 hours tomorrow. We can't afford another repeat of that last Kazon incident. I know I'm asking a lot from the crew, but what was adequate in the alpha quadrant just won't cut it here."
Looking at Chakotay and recalling familiar words, she continued. "We can't afford business as usual. Everyone must know their systems better than the original designers, and when that's accomplished, they'll be cross-trained to another. Is there anything else?" Janeway looked at each officer, accepting their committed looks. "Dismissed."
Over the next two weeks, the briefings continued and the workload increased. Janeway outlined more responsibilities for each department. Everyone was so swamped with each new task that few people had any time left for recreational enjoyment. Chakotay needed to talk to her. The crew was straining under the pressure. They understood and agreed with all that she asked for, but there was too much to do in the given time. It was as if she was being chased, afraid to relent for a moment in case they were trampled. The truth was, the current pace was exhausting everyone which was a bigger threat than any imagined foe. And to make matters worse, everyone was committed to following her pace, even though many of them showed signs of burning out. She commanded that kind of loyalty.
Janeway sat at her desk, puzzled over each new report. 'Damn, the systems across the ship are slowing down.' Despite all the efforts of the dedicated crew, there was a strange anomaly affecting shipwide performance.
Janeway looked up as the door chirped. "Come in." She gave Chakotay a quizzical smile as she took in his strained face. "Commander, I'm glad you're here. I'm going over the systems report. Have you noticed the decrease in performance?"
Chakotay nodded. "Yes. And that makes what I'm about to say a little harder."
"Oh? You're acting more enigmatic than usual Chakotay." With long practice, she stood and motioned him to the couch. She walked to the replicator and called up a cup of coffee and Boolian herbal tea flavoured with chicory and honey. As she handed him his mug, she stared at his drawn features and sunken cheeks. "What's on your mind Commander?"
"Captain, I'm committed to your new direction. I'm convinced that we're taking all the right actions necessary for our survival here."
Janeway interrupted. "I detect a 'but'."
Chakotay nodded. "But the pace is too fast. There are so many demands placed on the crew. They are driving themselves too hard to meet them."
"Chakotay, that's the reality of our position. The crew will need some time to adjust, but it's important that they feel a heightened sense of urgency. This is what's necessary to survive here alone. You of all people know that the Federation support structure in the alpha quadrant is vastly different from what we have access to here. We have to push ourselves to survive."
"Captain, I'm not saying the approach is incorrect. Everyone feels stronger and better prepared. For the past few weeks, the crew have spent every waking moment researching, analysing, training, optimising, and participating in one drill after another. But even still, with every new efficiency enhancements, we're finding poorer system performance. And it's burning people out."
"Chakotay, the problems with the systems performance are not related to human error. There's a systemic problem with Voyager and it's critical that we fix it before we run into any danger. We can't afford to ease off now when so many things need our attention. I'm not asking people to kill themselves. If people need a break, they are welcome to it. However, these performance issues are real, and I can't consciously deny the problems and tell everyone it doesn't matter."
"Captain, whether you ask it or not, the crew are driving themselves to match your pace. There's not a person onboard who's not dedicated to this direction. They hate to let you down so when they see decreasing performance despite all their work, they're shattered and frustrated. Their confidence in themselves is ebbing, and combined with their fatigue, it's overwhelming."
"Chakotay, what would you have me do?"
"You set the pace here. Slow down. Voyager was not built in a day. Don't work on so many projects. Just focus on a few. Relax, and show yourself to the holodeck. Everyone will take their cue from you."
"Chakotay, I only wish I could but I'm the Captain," Janeway sighed. "I can't afford to relax. There's many things that need to be done. Most of all, getting the performance problems solved. I appreciate your concern for my welfare, but I've got a well of strength that I haven't even tapped. Perhaps Neelix can organise a social function. I'll talk to him about shore leave."
"Captain, that's not what I had in mind. The solution is not throwing in moments of fun. It's reducing the workload to a more manageable level."
Janeway leant over and patted his arm as she stood up. "Commander, I'll consider your suggestion. Right now, we have this problem to deal with, but please keep me updated on the crew's morale."
'Damn! She can be so stubborn,' he told himself for the countless time. He sighed. He hadn't really expected her to react differently. "Shall we go into the Briefing Room now? The officers should arrive momentarily."
As Janeway made her way out of her Ready Room, through the Bridge, to the Briefing Room, the other Senior Officers followed. When they were all assembled, she turned to B'Elanna. "B'Elanna, any idea what's causing this gradual drop in efficiencies?"
"No," B'Elanna growled. "Damn it, Captain. It just doesn't make sense. The engines should be flying after the overhaul we gave it. We've even eliminated all extraneous particles, eddy currents, and boundary flow problems. The engines have never been in better shape. My team and I are stumped." B'Elanna shook her head. She took her engines' conduct personally.
Janeway turned to Kim. "What about you Ensign. Why the decreasing performance in shipwide systems?"
Harry blushed with frustration. "Captain, I don't know. We're no further ahead. We've even gone down to the physical level and eliminated all traces of any microbes from the bio-neural gel pack. Like B'Elanna, I expected an increase in the overall switching efficiency."
"Ensign, can we correlate the decreasing performance to any external events? Did we pass through any spatial anomalies, nebula, fields, or anything which might coincide with our problems?"
"None that I detected. I'll re-examine the sensor logs from the past two weeks. There has to be an explanation."
Janeway looked around the table. The fatigue and frustration barely hidden behind their fierce concentration. Perhaps Chakotay was right. "Is there anything else?" After a moment's silence, Janeway rose. "Dismissed."
B'Elanna stopped Chakotay as he moved to follow Janeway's exit. "Chakotay, you've got to do something. We need more help in engineering. We're swamped with the work and I've got almost everyone working on the engine efficiency problem. We still need to realign the aft phaser array, rehaul the phaser power coupling, eliminate the phase differential of the secondary targeting scanners..." As B'Elanna rattled off a list of outstanding work, Chakotay nodded his head.
Every department head had complained about the lack of resources. It was difficult when he reassigned the crew. When one department gained a person, it was never enough. Even worse was when a department lost a person. B'Elanna had lost one to Tactical to examine alternate weaponry. She was still irate. Finally Chakotay put up his hands. "B'Elanna, enough. Let me talk to weapons maintenance. Perhaps they can give you a hand for a few days." B'Elanna grunted her thanks, but left still scowling.
Talking with B'Elanna, he did not have a chance to continue his discussions with Janeway. If he thought Janeway was stubborn, she'd learn he could be doubly so on occasion. And this was definitely an occasion. He clenched his jaws together and frowned.
"Computer, locate Captain Janeway."
"Captain Janeway is on Holodeck 2."
During the months since their return from 'New Earth', Chakotay spent what little free time he had, perfecting the holographic program of their life there. He was nearly complete. He just finished that peaceful meadow beyond the stream, where Kathryn often wandered to, perched quietly on the fallen tree trunk. He knew she enjoyed many walks along the stream, often alone. Yet she had increasingly asked him to join her. Initially, he created this program as a reminder of his life there. He thought it would be an oasis he could return to amidst the bustle of shipboard life. But as he programmed in many remembered details, he could no longer deny that he was doing this for her. For Kathryn.
He wanted her to have a place, a special place, she could return to as well. He wouldn't have believed it then, but now he looked back fondly of their time there. On bad days, he almost wished they were back. It all seemed so simple then. Accepting the days as they came. Living with a single purpose. Enjoying the pleasures of each day without having the yoke of responsibilities. Or was that how he wanted to remember it? Although they had maintained a good command relationship since then, now there was little time for anything else.
His thoughts drifted to the close bond they had achieved. Closer than he ever thought possible between two friends. So close they were making a life together. He missed the wordless companionship as they laboured together, the glimpses of her childhood, her rapt attention to his stories, her quiet breathing while she slept, her delight in his cooking, her witty humour, her softened face as she recounted the day's exploration, her flushed face after a bath, her flowing hair, her beautiful smiles, making her happy, being a part of her life ... he missed it all. But now, Voyager stood in the way of that friendship. He sighed. He knew she could not, no, would not, allow herself to be that same person. He knew without asking. Voyager came first. But even so, he knew she also needed a place to return to. Away from everything. Everything, he hoped, except him.
So, he worked secretly on this program, knowing there'd come a time when he would bring her here. Not as a reminder for a time passed, but to give her a refuge from the time present. As the programming drew to an end, he knew he was stretching it out, putting in more details than necessary. But somehow, confronting the next step was daunting. Especially in light of her recent behaviour. She really did need a place to unwind. He just didn't want to see that look in her eyes, the understanding eyes, which saw the things he didn't want to face himself. Forcing him to accept less than he hoped.
It came as a surprise then when he actually discovered her there. In the holodeck. Perched on that trunk, in the meadow, by the stream that flowed from their shelter. But she did not see him as he approached from the trees. This gave him an opportunity to watch her. She was obviously deep in thought. She leant forward and buried her face in her hands. That gesture arrested his steps. Slowly she shook her head, rubbed her face before looking up again, staring out into the great universe beyond, an alternate universe.
She went back to the beginning. She recalled her final words before they entered the stasis chamber in sick bay. "Chakotay, they'll find a way." He just gave her the same steady smile that she so long relied on. The one that held quiet confidence in all that she did. They were so ill. It was almost a relief to lie down and be enwrapped in the stasis field. Their last act was to seek each other's eyes before unconsciousness seized them.
As the alarm chirped, their first act was to seek each other's eyes. Even now, she recalled the relief in seeing his eyes on hers. Stasis was always creepy; a little too close to death. Briskly she got up, realised they were back on the planet, and stood close to his side before hearing the Doctor's report. As she turned permanent command over to Tuvok, she inwardly winced. Damn that was painful. It was like sealing one's fate. But immediately, dogged determination, her constant companion, would not allow her to accept this. She had to exhaust all possibilities. Anything else would be a failure. There had to be a way. Kathryn Janeway would find a way.
Initially, she plunged into her life on the planet with the discipline she'd approach any mission. She couldn't allow herself to think that this mission may never end. She woke up every morning with the same fresh optimism she first had after the Caretaker, that there was a route home around the next bend. If they found that bug, then she could isolate the virus that caused their illness, and develop a cure. They could use their shuttle to fly off the planet, and send a subspace signal to Voyager. If it was not too late. If too much time had passed, they could meet up with another space faring ship travelling much faster and arrange to intercept Voyager. At least she knew what direction Voyager would be travelling. They should catch up before too long. Or there was that planet colonised by the 37's. Or who knew what other adventures awaited them in the stars. If they could only get off this planet. Ideas of returning to Voyager fuelled her to focus and work faster.
She didn't realise Chakotay did not share the same vision until he presented her with the tub. She didn't know whether to thank him or shake him. She did miss her baths. And it was so thoughtful and attentive of him. But the time he must have spent! Perhaps they could have been that much closer to a cure! In the end, her practical nature won out, and she luxuriated in the tub. The tub was really a great idea. Wonderful man, that Chakotay. It was that night that her hope started to fade.
After the initial excitement of hearing the strange noise in the bush and finding that primate, her mind seized on this new development. That primate could hold a lot of answers. She looked up to share her excitement with Chakotay, and was surprised to find his eyes taking in her scant attire. Although he quickly met her eyes, it was enough that they both realised the impropriety of the situation. She could tell he was mortified. As he excused himself and quickly returned to the shelter, she realised that they had to get beyond this embarrassment. After all, it could be a long time before they ever left and it wouldn't do to be uncomfortable in each other's company. Something like this was inevitable. No need to overreact. It was a natural reaction after all. So she easily dismissed the incident. They couldn't afford to be side tracked from their mission. She quickly strode in after him, as if nothing was amiss, and focused her energy back into this new discovery.
Chakotay was still dazed, going over the unexpected event in his mind. He cursed himself for behaving like a lust-filled teenager. Damn, now she'd probably avoid his company for fear he'd pounce at the slightest opportunity. When she came in so quickly, he expected a confrontation, but was relieved, and then unexplainably angry that she was so unaffected. 'God, it's been 24 days since they've been here. Before that, 18 days while the Doctor worked. And still her only thoughts were of finding a cure!'
He had reached beyond their dire predicament and he strove to make a home here. With her. Didn't she guess how he felt for her even now? He had to make her see that they still had a life to live. But as he angrily pushed her to consider their situation, he expected a more spirited fight. He was surprised to find that she could see it too ... that it scared her, and that she was not ready to accept it. He relented. Her mission was important to her. He could see it helped her cope. It was the single thread she held on to. She wasn't ready to give up on a cure, or Voyager, or the alpha quadrant, or her fiancé. It was too much to let go of at once, with very little to embrace in its place.
Several days passed before they discussed this again. Then one morning, as she set off to check her traps, she came by to see his work. As he explained his new project, he could see her close off again. He knew he had to address this. "What I do makes you uncomfortable doesn't it? Every time I do something that adds a personal touch to the shelter, you resist it."
"Sometimes it feels as though you've given up. That you've focused on making a home here instead of finding a cure that would let us leave."
Perhaps because he was still affected by their previous conversation, or that he was impatient for her to come to terms with their stay here, he revealed his feelings on needing to go on. He couldn't sacrifice the present for a future that may never happen. He needed to make a home that was more than a plain gray box.
She could see that this was the thread he was holding on to. However, it was not her thread. Now in the open, they felt easier that each understood the other's drive. And accepted it. "Some day," she mused, "I may have to let go, but not today. OK?" And he let her go. He hoped it would not take her too long to join him in the present.
But that was what happened. And he was not happier for seeing her crushed hopes amidst the fallen debris. He understood the hard quest to find peace with life and accept fate. He could only come to terms with their loss because he had come to accept life on Voyager, then life on 'New Earth' and really, life with her. Wherever she went, he'd follow. And that made it easier for him to bear. But he knew that this was foreign to her. He would help her see that she had not failed herself, or him, or Voyager. For now, he had to help her find hope. He offered a prayer for her, to give her strength in life as she had in battle. Perhaps that was the hardest lesson he had learnt. When a warrior lived in battle for so long, he found the peace he fought for was a difficult prize to enjoy.
The traps were irreparable. The devastated look on her face pained him. He knew she was unaccustomed to losing. Especially losing control. But with a strength he long admired, she gracefully conceded to a new life. Perhaps it was this new direction, or her first positive remark about life on 'New Earth' being better than her childhood camping outings, or her bewildered realisation 'We may be here a while. The rest of our lives.' That evening he practically flew on air. So when she groaned from her neck aches, he was eager to set it right and he did not see her misgivings as he approached. Until he touched her hair. As he ran his hand down its silky length, he realised he had longed to do this for some time. Then she stiffened as if to move away and he realised he still held it in his hand. He carelessly placed it over her shoulder, as if it would erase his previous attention.
He rubbed her shoulder and neck but he could feel her hold herself stiffly. He concentrated on just easing her pain. When she started to relax and moan her relief, he allowed himself to enjoy this contact. But she was so damn responsive! He never realised how fragile his tightly reined attraction to her ran. As she leant her head back, he inhaled the scent of her hair, and he was struck by this intimacy. His control began to crack. He stilled his hand to recover his racing emotions. But that was all it took to translate his feelings to her.
She had to admit, she was a little surprised when he leapt to ease her neck ache. Remembering the tub incident, she suffered a moment's discomfort at the thought of this intimacy. But she chided herself to relax her Starfleet discipline. They were not in a command relationship and he merely wanted to ease her pain. She had almost convinced herself that she was being unduly sensitive when she felt him linger on her hair. 'Was he caressing her hair?' It was so brief that she thought she imagined it when he threw her hair over her shoulder an instant later. And although she maintained her stiff posture, his wonderful hands eased her pain until she relaxed into his hands and luxuriated in this pleasure.
Until he stopped moving. This time she had to be sure. She slowly turned to confront him, but his embarrassed eyes told her that he was aroused. Her initial instinct was to retreat. To avoid this path. As she lay in bed, recounting the event, she thought it was ironic. Here she was, former Captain of a starship, running from the most basic of human emotions. Desire. She could not deny his attention any longer. Her best Starfleet voice commanded her to address the issue and deal with it head on. They couldn't continue to act like hopeful and naïve adolescents. It wasn't fair to either of them and it would affect their careful relationship. They would have to define parameters.
As he watched her retreating back nestle behind the bed screen, he realised he had revealed himself to her. They would have to talk. She'd probably misconstrue his attention for sexual frustration. She would not realise that his feelings for her had been a long-held tender secret. On Voyager, he had never intended to pursue it further knowing the complications that would arise and the awkward position she'd be in. But now? He revealed more than he planned, and their situation was completely different on 'New Earth'.
He was surprised to see her again so quickly though he should have expected it. It was just like Kathryn to confront her discomfort. 'Parameters, oh God, what must she be thinking!' He had to explain. So he told his story, thinly disguised as an ancient legend.
"It's about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe. A man who couldn't find peace even with the help of his spirit guide. For years, he struggled with his discontent but the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe. But the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day, he and his war party were captured by a neighbouring tribe led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that day on, her needs would come first, and in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace.
Having admitted that his story was not an ancient legend, he never felt so transparent. He had opened this window where her steady gaze peered into his being, and she opened her own, allowing the tears to fall freely.
She had never realised the depth of his feelings. Certainly he had always been a first rate officer. But even for Starfleet standards, his level of dedication to her mission, to her, was unique. She was profoundly touched by the depths of his loyalty. Clearly she had misunderstood him these past months. Looking back, moments now held a new significance to them. But as she saw the vulnerability in his quiet eyes, she was moved to reassure him and connect with him on this new level. They clasped hands, and she silently acknowledged his long-held sentiments. She had never realised the intensity of his inner strength and honour. Only the most assured men found this after a lifetime of searching and conflict. 'I'd trust my soul in his keeping,' she thought.
Now that he shared his feelings with her, he was relieved, vulnerable and hopeful. He leant forward to kiss the tears from her cheek and was immediately intoxicated by her scent. He moved back a little and stared into her eyes for long moments before he whispered goodnight. He disengaged from her clasp and gave her a final look before heading off to bed.
She stared at his chair a moment longer before returning to her bed. Neither of them got much sleep. As she listened to him turn throughout the night, she realised how accustomed she had grown to his quiet breathing as it often lulled her to sleep.
The next morning, there was an unasked question in his eyes. Could she accept him? Although it was much too soon, she realised at that moment, she'd be ready one day. Ready to move on and fully accept her life here. Ready to completely accept him in her life. He read her answer in her eyes. He would patiently wait until that day came. After all, they had a lifetime together.
Both were relieved they had come to a resolution. Their life after that, formed an easy pattern. By day, they worked long hours in companionable silence often interspersed with stories about their past. Both of them took on projects preparing for their long future together. He was mindlessly happy when he saw her planning a vegetable garden. He could feel every day drew them closer together.
Some days, they would take time to discover their surroundings. Her favourite walk would follow the stream by their shelter. The stream lazily wound through darkened forests and bushes until it passed by a clearing in a sunny meadow, fragrant with wildflowers. She commandeered a fallen trunk there and perched herself so she could see the treetops of the hills beyond. Chakotay was amused that she'd imagine exploring this new universe which was really a hundred kilometres away. She was like a child that way and he found it quite infectious. She truly did have the heart of an explorer. That gave him an idea. They could probably explore quite a bit of the surrounding area if they travelled by water.
If the days drew them together, the evenings held them tight. She found him to be an engaging storyteller. He often had her laughing hysterically. The truth was, he was captivated by her smile and was pleased to find she appreciated his quirky sense of humour. He injected more zeal to his stories just to watch her control crumble in waves of laughter. He found her humour was quite crisp and witty. He enjoyed their cerebral banter as she challenged many ideas and conjectured on a host of others. They had even moved their work area together so that they could make room for a couch and sit comfortably. At the end of each evening, they parted reluctantly, bidding each other goodnight, looking forward to the next day.
One morning, he left her alone.
With only his medicine bundle, he headed out early to reach the distant hilltop before dusk. It was the anniversary of his father's death. Although she did not expect him back for another day or two, she couldn't help but look up expectantly with each noise. Although she was long used to the silence of many late hours on Voyager, it was strange how she found it a little too quiet without Chakotay's presence. 'Damn the man! He's got me thinking about him when he's not around!' And then she realised how much of her thoughts centred on him. In fact, it was impossible not to be drawn to him. He knew her so well and understood her needs without her asking. When had he got so close to her?
While he was gone, she realised how fortunate she was to have him share this journey. Each day was a new joy and revelation. Although long accustomed to her own company, this evening seemed lonely. Her thoughts turned melancholy as she imagined the remainder of her life alone on this planet. The idea left her cold. Her Starfleet training and raw determination would allow her to manage, but she couldn't help wonder at Tom Riker's survival. When Will Riker's transporter twin Tom, was found on that planet, he had stated that the only thing that kept him going was a hope for rescue and Deanna Troi. Well, at least in the alpha quadrant, the chance of rescue was higher. Here, the best she could hope for was a visit from friendly aliens. But without a cure, she could not leave the planet. And if she was alone on this planet, that would mean something had happened to Chakotay. What other hope would be left?
She chided herself. 'The first moment I have to enjoy the peace of solitary existence, and my thoughts turn morbid.' She steeled herself to stop looking at the door, to stop thinking about Chakotay, and focus on the infectious virus research that was downloaded from Voyager. In the end, she went to bed early and lay awake listening to the quiet emptiness of the room. She wondered how Chakotay was faring and wished him a speedy return.
The next day, she tended her tomato seedlings. Within a few days, the seedling would be ready for transplanting in the garden. The work while enjoyable, enabled her mind to wander. Chakotay. She couldn't have asked for a better companion. His constant unwavering support was rare. He was a wonderful person and a true friend. She could not imagine finding peace, and yes, acceptance of this new life without him. The realisation that she had come to terms with their situation surprised her. In a way, by accepting her life on this planet, she felt guilty for letting go too soon. She knew it was irrational, but somehow, it was a weakness that she so quickly accepted her life here. As if Voyager did not matter. Chakotay made it so damn easy for her to find happiness here. And that thought scared her a little. It spurred her to push thoughts of him to the back of her mind.
That evening she finished the 54th viral infection report. Only 731 more to go. After that, there were still all the other related topics. She sighed. It could take her a lifetime to read through everything, looking for a clue to the cure for their disease. She glanced at her chronometer. It was 2208 hours. Chakotay had not come back yet. That meant he would not be expected for at least another day. She hoped he was well. He did not leave with any gear. She suppressed the urge to scan the area with a tricorder. He was on a personal quest. She did not want to interfere in any way. She would give him another 48 hours before she started looking. She might as well turn in early again to make up for yesterday's sleepless night.
This time, she immediately fell asleep. Near morning she had a dream. In it, she heard the laughter of many familiar voices in the distance. It grew fainter as she walked away from the crowd, seeking the quiet solitude along the sand dunes. For a while she lay gazing out at the ocean, enjoying the soft breeze. As the sun slowly set, she felt the warmth of the sand chase the sun, until it left a cold bed. Although she was too comfortable to move and was intent on watching the final hues fade, she could feel the chill start to build, until a lone timber wolf joined her and curled up by her side. Although his presence was not pressing, she was happy for its company as it shared the moment. Finally, darkness enveloped them but the wolf stayed by her side sharing its warmth until morning.
As she awoke on the beach, she felt a sting on her leg. From the yelp of the wolf, she guessed it was bitten as well. Soon, they were surrounded by several of these insects but before she could move, her spirit guide had appeared. Its presence calmed her and it started to catch the insects with each flick of its tongue. Gradually the insects disappeared, and the wolf nuzzled her guide as thanks. Perhaps from the ingested insects, her spirit guide took ill and fell onto its side and lay there unmoving. The wolf picked up her guide in its mouth, and started to run into the woods.
She ran after the two but found it difficult to keep up. Eventually, she lost sight of them and gazed about uncertain of her direction. Trying to calm the rising panic, she closed her eyes, and reached out with her soul. She could feel every curve of the trees, every line of the leaves, and the spirit energy coursing through them. As she reached further out, she felt as if she were a part of all around her, until she could feel the lingering presence of the wolf and her spirit guide. She followed that presence, reaching further and further, until she opened her eyes to discover she was streaming along behind the wolf's ears. She urged it faster and faster until they were all flying past the land below them, higher and higher until they raced with the stars.
She woke up feeling invigorated. Today, she'd prepare the garden bed for her tomato plants. They would be ready for planting in a day or two. She staked out the plot and ground up the soil. Although it was laborious, she found the work quite satisfying. By the end of the day, she was quite pleased with her progress. Chakotay would be surprised. She definitely deserved her bath today. She had grown accustomed to chatting with Chakotay as she luxuriated in the tub. She found many ideas came to her that way, and she was eager to share them. This evening, she allowed her mind to relax with her body. The silence in her head made her realise the peace she felt from her normally super-active mind. 'Next thing you know, I'll be receiving enlightenment', she wryly grinned to herself.
Just as she finished her bath, it started to pour. This planet was filled with such fast-rising extremes. She moved indoors and stared balefully out at the sheet of rain. Finally, she picked up another report and tried unsuccessfully to read for an hour before she tossed the PADD aside. Chakotay would not be arriving tonight. She hoped he found dry shelter. She stood up, and gave up pretence of occupying her thoughts with more reading. She wandered around the shelter examining the various personal effects that were sent down from Voyager.
She cranked the handle of her gramophone. This had been in her family for centuries but it still worked. She listened to the crackle of the music as it played over the rain. She moved over to Chakotay's collection of carvings. She recognised two of them from his evenings spent carving. She marvelled at his need to create. It was not something she noticed on Voyager. She picked up a small wood box and studied the geometric design. As she turned it over, she must have sprung a catch. It opened to reveal a few items. Preparing to immediately close it, she noticed something that caught her eye. She paused. These were strands of her hair! When would he have had the opportunity to obtain this? Nestled in the strands of her hair were his pips. On the bottom was a faded picture of a younger Chakotay with his Father and Mother. The sentimentality moved her and she felt her throat tighten as she placed it down. Pausing to breathe, she heard a familiar soft voice. "Kathryn."
She turned around to see him dripping by the door, with a beautiful warm smile and his arms opened towards her. Elated to see him unexpectedly, she walked into his arms to be held in a crushing embrace. She hadn't realised it until she heard herself admit. "Chakotay, I've missed you." He held her tighter as he buried his face in her hair and marvelled at her change. She did not even notice his drenched clothes until she felt his warmth seeping into her skin. About that time, Chakotay released her and as he looked down on her soaked gown, he drew in a quick breath and reverted his eyes back to her face. Her amused eyes put him at ease as it took in his stubbled growth and drenched hair. She grinned. "I guess we both better change."
When he re-emerged after a sonic shower, his hair had dried and he had donned his familiar smooth face. He rubbed his chin. "I was beginning to feel at home with the primates" he quipped. She made room for him to join her on the couch. He told her a brief story of his long journey to the hills and back. Then he picked up her PADD and scanned the report. He reclined comfortably, and asked for a synopsis. She had barely begun before his exhaustion overwhelmed him and he fell asleep. She shook her head smiling, and covered him with a blanket. She looked down at his face, kissed his tattoo and then was irresistibly drawn to kiss those lips. When he did not stir, she grinned to herself, before retiring as well. It had been a long day. Tomorrow would be different. They'd get a chance to say all that they wanted and he would not fall asleep on her again.
She awoke early to find he had not stirred. She grabbed a cup of coffee and quietly left the shelter to transplant her seedlings into the prepared ground. She was nearly finished when he finally appeared. They exchanged a special smile as they both recognised a closer intimacy between them and were both struck by this new rapport. She told him how satisfying she found gardening; watching the plants sprout and grow. She realised the parallel to her own life. She had always balked at 'settling down'. But now, she found it very satisfying, watching their relationship sprout and grow, and yes, maybe eventually take fruit.
Laughing, they made their way into the shelter to see his plans. A canoe! Her adventurous spirit soared. And then that crackle of sound. For an instant, she thought her gramophone had played, but then she recognised the familiar sounds of the communicators. Hesitantly, Chakotay brought the communicators to her.
Their conflicting emotions were apparent. Elation at finding a cure for their disease and rejoining Voyager, but sorrow at leaving behind this life and the people they had become. And that conflict left her a twinge of guilt. This was what she wanted after all. Wasn't it?
Almost immediately, she forced the conflict to the back of her mind. Kathryn became Captain Janeway again. With a dizzying pace, they assembled their possessions together. There was so much to do in the remaining 30 hours. They applied themselves to the task quietly. Both of them preoccupied with many thoughts of their return.
That night, their last night, they sat silently on the couch. Only then did Kathryn release her personal thoughts. There was so much to say, yet it seemed meaningless now. He put his arms around her so she could feel his strength and support. They sat quietly embraced for half an hour hugging their emotions to themselves. Finally Kathryn shifted, and turned to look at him. The pain and regret were clearly etched. She didn't trust herself to speak. She got up to leave, but something compelled her to stop and kiss him gently on his open mouth. He softly embraced her face and stared long moments into her eyes before he guided her away from him. She left him staring after her. He did not follow.
As she lay in her bed, she recalled the night he confessed his feelings for her. Back then, she thought she could trust her soul in his keeping. Now she was certain. He had held her soul in his hands, but gently returned it because he understood what she wanted. And they both knew she couldn't have denied him had he kept it. She spent the night clenching her emotions, willing the sun to rise. This was not how she imagined the day would end.
It was many long moments after Kathryn retired that Chakotay remembered to breathe. This was one of the hardest things he had ever done. It took all his willpower to let her go. This was not how he imagined the day would end. But he knew that the depths of his feelings for her would not accept anything less than total commitment in return. Until she was ready for that, he could only be her constant and devoted friend. Otherwise, he feared he would lose his soul to her forever.
As he lay in bed, he recalled the events he wanted to share with her of the last few days.
When he left Kathryn several days ago, he looked forward to time alone. He suspected she did as well. He left early that morning to cross the hills that was visible from her favourite perch. It had taken all day, but the view was spectacular as the sun set. He slept under the stars that night. The next day, he explored the hills until he found a suitable location to meditate. Looking across, he imagined Kathryn gazing back at him from her command trunk in the meadow's clearing. That thought left him with a smile. He cleared his mind to contact his father. As he had every year since his father's death, he chanted the prayer that would call on his father's spirit.
"A-koo-chi-mo-ya. We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of my people. But I ask on this day of reverence & peace, that the wisdom of my father find me and know his son honours him. Father, it has been many years, but still I hold you close to my soul. Speak to me Father. Speak to me in my dreams."
"Chakotay, you're looking well. What happened to the uniform of your chosen tribe?"
Chakotay was so pleased. "Father, much has happened since then. When you died, I felt such an absence and shame that I had not heard the wisdom of your words. I could not continue to adopt Starfleet as my own. I took up your cause and became a Maquis. But we found ourselves here in the delta quadrant, alone with a Starfleet vessel Voyager. We combined crews with a wise leader whose wisdom, bravery and strength inspired my loyalty. Now Kathryn and I are left stranded on this planet creating a life together."
His father nodded in surprise. "And have you finally found peace with this life?"
"For the first time in my life, I am at peace. With her. She is my life. Father, you knew me to be a foolish boy, willing to toss the wisdom of our ancestors aside. I was wrong then, but I have found an appreciation for your lessons and created a new existence. If anything else Father, I want you to know they've helped me find peace with myself, and the world around me. If the start of my life was a disappointment to you, I hope the remainder of my life to be in honour of you."
"And does this Kathryn have anything to do with this?" Kolopak asked.
"Father, I received lessons from you. Because of her, I understand them. Remember that saying 'Even the eagle must know when to sleep.' Her response reminded me that I too used to see it as defeat. I had not understood our ancestor's acceptance of the unfairness they were dealt. I thought our people weak for accepting what life had dealt them. I thought that they could have fought more to demand justice. But those we sought justice from did not hear either our roar or our whisper. If we could not win our fight, we could have at least maintained our pride. I had not realised the strength it takes for a warrior to accept fate, just as a coward to fight. I've realised it takes strength and wisdom to accept life and patiently await an opportunity from an open adversary, than to blindly fight when they are not listening."
Kolopak nodded. "This Kathryn sounds very special. Does she feel the same for you?"
Chakotay shook his head. "No, and she may never do so. But I'm committed to her and will be a part of her life for as long as she needs me."
Kolopak sighed. "Chakotay, you have not chosen an easy path. But these difficult paths often lead to the greatest rewards. I will keep watch over you."
"Father, I have been seeking your spirit all these years. You have never answered."
"Chakotay, we did not have an easy life together. I did not want to appear only to assuage your guilt. You needed to find your own path. One that was not guided by me. But these years have shown you to be true to your conviction and faith. And that has made me happier than you know. Go in peace."
"Father, your son honours you on this special day and is committed to a life that will make you proud."
Kolopak nodded, then vanished.
By that time, it was dusk. He enjoyed the view but he wished to share it with Kathryn. He would love to see her radiant face in this light. As he prepared to sleep, he wondered if Kathryn had given him a thought at all.
Just before dawn, he had a wonderful dream. Even now he could recall it vividly. In it he had been running with his spirit guide. She was full of energy today. But she abruptly stopped and turned towards a sunny spot where a lizard lay still. Picking up the lizard in its mouth, it started to run through the woods. As he pursued the pair, he called out to his spirit guide. Soon, he was too exhausted to continue but unwilling to be left behind, his spirit reached out and pursued them, until he found the air streaming through his hair. He looked down to find he was soaring above the forest, faster and higher until he reached the velvety embrace of space. As the stars streamed by, he felt oddly at home.
That morning, he prepared to leave. Although eager to explore the surrounding areas, he wanted to reserve that opportunity with Kathryn. He would have to return here with her. It was two days since he left. He hoped to arrive by evening. As the conversation with his father played over in his mind, he felt a twinge of nostalgia, for both his Father and Kathryn. He was eager to see her again. He realised now that he was completely in love with her. Unlike anything else. He had found a profound love for Kathryn. He loved her whole being and realised it was unconditional. Even if it was unrequited. But where it was deep, it was also sad. With this love came an understanding that he could never demand from her. She would have to come to him to accept his love. It carried too high a price tag for them otherwise. He loved her enough to let her choose. He would wait a lifetime, but he hoped he didn't have to.
He had reached the stream near the shelter by dusk. He wanted to rinse off his travels so he undressed and swam in the waters. The water was still warm from the day. He floated along, eager to see her again, yet he controlled the urge to dress and run the rest of the way back. He had to recollect his composure. By the time he dressed again, he looked up at the sky. It seemed it would rain. So much for his care in keeping his clothes dry. As quickly as the previous plasma storm, the rain poured down on him. Had he been farther from the shelter, he would have waited out the storm. But it did not look as if it would relent this night. He was only about an hour's walk away and he was eager to see her again. So he continued home.
By the time he arrived at the shelter, his anticipation had almost spiralled out of control. He opened the door but there was music coming from her gramophone so she did not hear him come in. His eyes took in her appearance. She was beautiful. He then saw her put down his box in her hand. Had she opened it? His mind forgot everything, with the sight of her there, and it warmed him. Without thinking he called her name and opened his arms. He was surprised when she rushed into them. He felt his heart would soar as he held her there. It seemed she had missed him a little. When he finally released her, he saw he had soaked her gown. He drew in a sharp breath at this sight. Then he felt he had overstepped himself again until she wryly smiled and bade him to change. These past few days had produced a change in her.
He showered and shaved, glad to cleanse himself of his travels, yet he could feel the exhaustion overwhelm his body. 'No, not tonight. Let me enjoy this day just a little longer.' When he joined her on the couch, there was too much to tell her to go into those details now. He just wanted to hear her voice. He asked her to talk about her research (did she ever take a break?), and leant back to drink in her voice. He wasn't sure when, but he had fallen asleep. He was vaguely conscious as Kathryn left him. Did she just kiss him? He could feel his lips still moist as he smiled into his dreams.
The next morning, he awoke to find he was alone. Damn, he wanted to say so much to her. Well, it could wait until tonight. Today would be a special day. He could feel it in his bones. He couldn't wait to see her face when he showed her his canoe plans. They could go travelling to the 'universe beyond'. He found her just outside the shelter, working on her garden. He sat down beside her, surprised and unexplainably pleased with her progress. They exchanged a special smile. He asked her to join him indoors and laughing, they made their way to the shelter. God, he had never been so happy. When she saw the canoe, he could see her mind racing ahead, exploring new ventures, and he was gratified. Until he heard the communicator. At first he was so focused on her joy, he did not hear it. He was almost afraid to hope. This was what she wanted, what they wanted. But what price would they pay? Then he knew the answer.
He could see her struggle with this conflict, and as if a conscious decision had been made, she stood up and assumed her command mode. The light mood of before had all but evaporated. They worked quietly and quickly for the rest of the day. Neither of them spoke, but both of them were sensitive to the dynamics. He realised that as before, he would follow her lead. Everything would have to change; he could see that. Long ago, he had sworn to himself he would do whatever it took to ease her burden. This included him. He only hoped she would not punish herself too harshly for finding some happiness here.
The morning dawned clearly. With less than eight hours left, she quickly rose. She stared at her uniform as it lay on her bed. It seemed foreign somehow. Wearing it felt even stranger. Not at all the second skin it had previously been. 'Well, I better get used to it quickly. The crew will be expecting their Captain back,' she thought.
And Chakotay, dear Chakotay, wordlessly supported her the whole time. He responded to her need to resume command mode. He easily matched her cool professionalism and over eagerness to return to ship activity. But both of them knew what they left behind.
The time since they left the planet seemed to dissolve with so many bittersweet memories. He had to remind himself they were on the Holodeck and not 'New Earth'.
Chakotay looked at Janeway. If he had ever thought she was not affected by their time there, he was mistaken. He had watched the myriad of emotions play across her face. He suffered pangs of regret that he could not share that part of her.
"Captain, sorry to intrude."
Janeway, whipped around. "Commander, I was checking on the progress of the holomatrix recalibration when I saw this program stored under Janeway delta two. It piqued my curiosity."
"Captain, this was meant to be a surprise, but the right time never came up."
"You've certainly managed to capture all the details. You must have spent a long time programming this. Thank you Chakotay. Again, you've managed to build something for me that I hadn't realised I needed."
His smile warmed her as before.
"Chakotay, I know it must have been difficult for you the last month. There's so many things we never had a chance to discuss. And I appreciate you granting me that time." Spreading her hand around she remarked, "This reminds me of one of the most special times in my life. When we came back on the ship, my main concerns were getting the ship back in order. And then the Kazon. So many things required my complete attention. These are the realities of my priority."
"Captain, you did what you had to and we all understand that. I understand that. But now, the crises have passed. We're much better prepared, but you're still pushing so hard. You're driving yourself relentlessly. I think you're punishing yourself for wanting something more than just Voyager."
"Chakotay, Voyager is my responsibility. There's not a moment that goes by that I'm not thinking of Voyager or the crew. The entire crew practically mutinied, risked their lives, countermanded my orders, to rescue us. When the Kazon took the ship, we lost so many good people. I can't let them down. I owe them my life. The least I can do is lead them home. I can't afford to make any mistakes."
"Captain, sometimes the drive for perfection is not as appealing as one thinks. My people have a saying. 'Perfection even bores the Gods. That's why they created life.' Here, take this object for instance." He commanded the computer to generate a perfect glass vase. It appeared instantly. "See the way the light reflects off its side. It's so perfect that it seems unreal, like a computer animation." He then ordered the computer to inject random noise into the vase structure.
Janeway nodded. "Yes, this one is more lifelike. The surface of the vase although imperfect, casts a more interesting reflection." She sighed and admitted. "You're right of course. This vase has more character and appeal." She looked up at Chakotay, surprised at this revelation. Before Chakotay could continue, she seized on this idea and explored. "You know, this is like running on ice."
Chakotay was lost for a moment. Then he excitedly continued. "Ice has little friction. You need some friction in order to translate energy into forward motion. But friction is normally seen as an imperfection; something to eliminate."
"By eliminating all the imperfections, you end up running on one spot. Like our engines and systems. No wonder our efforts have produced a negative result. We've eliminated the very inefficiency that would cause our systems to be more efficient."
They looked at each other with perfect understanding and smiled. Janeway then tapped her comm badge. "This is Captain Janeway to the Senior Officers. All Senior Officers, please report to the Briefing Room in 10 minutes. Janeway out."
As they walked towards the holodeck doors, Janeway halted Chakotay's progress as she laid her hand on his arms. "Commander, ... Chakotay, thank you. You were right. About many things." And with that, she walked through the doors, leaving a bewildered Chakotay in her wake. She paused, and cocked her head towards him. "Coming Commander?"
Captain Janeway looked around her quarters. She hadn't spent much time here over the last six months. She had promised Chakotay to relax this evening now that the efficiency problems were fixed. She smiled to herself. There was even a net increase in the engine's performance after B'Elanna introduced a controlled amount of 'friction'. They must have been too tired or too focused not see this solution earlier.
She had reached a compromise with Chakotay. The crew would continue to pursue the current projects but with a more manageable schedule. She would make a more visible effort to relax and re-integrate with the crew's recreational pursuits. But not tonight. Tonight, she wanted a quiet evening.
She sat down to read some reports, then realised that it would not qualify as relaxation. She picked up a novel, but found it did not hold her interest for long. She closed her eyes and memories of the evenings spent on 'New Earth' came crowding back. She missed Chakotay's company. Perhaps he could meditate with her this evening. She stood up to go to the door, but doubt held her back. She didn't want to intrude on his first free evening. 'Well, I might as well ask.' As she moved towards her door, it opened to reveal an uncertain Chakotay holding his medicine bundle. It seemed he had been standing there for a while.
Thrown off by her unexpected appearance, he offered an explanation. "I wasn't sure if you wanted some company this evening Captain."
"Chakotay, I was planning to ask if you'd care to join me this evening. I was hoping to meditate."
They both smiled as they understood each other's hesitation and acknowledged their common quest. She led him to her sitting area and they assembled on the floor. As he opened his medicine bundle, an item caught her eye. She picked up the thin braid and ran her fingers along its silky ridges. She recognised her hair and looked to him for an explanation.
"Kathryn, while we were on 'New Earth', I discovered a quirk about living with someone. I was always coming across strands of your hair. They would be on my shirt, my socks, and on my work table. So I decided to collect them until I had enough to weave a braid. If I did not come across any in a day, the day would seem off-balance. I can tell you I was sorely tempted to go find some on your pillow." He grinned at her, then continued more seriously. "The braid is an important symbol for my people. But that I will explain another time."
And like a lifetime before, Kathryn clasped his hands into hers and held the soul of her warrior and ... friend.
This storyline is continued in Choices
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