Hedgehog Song and The Streets of Ankh Morpork

The Hedgehog Song by Nanny Ogg

"Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all creatures, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1:
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Mounting a horse can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2:
The spines on his back are so awful thick
you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1
A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill,
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1
You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1
For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2

For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1
Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2
A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1"

That was The Hedgehog Song, v1.4 Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and alt.fan.pratchett from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett

The Streets of Ankh-Morpork

by Neil Padgen and Adrian Ogden
Have you seen the old man in the Street of Cunning Artificers
Selling hot pig pies (or cow or horse or goat)
Tangy mustard might disguise the gristle lurking in his pies
"Just a dollar fifty and I'm cutting me own throat"

CHORUS: So how can you tell me that you're lonely
And say for you that the sun don't shine
Let me walk you 'cross the Ankh
and lead you through the streets of Morpork
I'll show you something that'll make you change your mind

Have you seen the old girl in her Quirm Street apartment
Stitching up the clothing that's piled upon her floor
"Bugger off!" you'll hear her say, broom in hand to drive away
The dwarves outside her window and the monks outside her door

In Harga's House of Ribs at a quarter to eleven
Black robe and scythe in the corner all alone
For starter, main course and dessert, look at the front of Harga's shirt
One thing about this new cook, he works his fingers to the bone

Have you seen the wizard inside the Mended Drum
Half his hat is missing, "WIZD" is all that's there
Permanently paranoid, he shares drinks with an anthropoid
One more forgotten wizard in a world that doesn't care

Terry Pratchett

Pratchett Books!