The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they're
normally a couple of thousand dollars. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought
200 of them. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmuns. He was
retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the
genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt well to their new environment. They would
screech and hurl themselves off of the couch and slam themselves into the wall. Although
humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway through the third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent
reason. They all just kind of dropped dead like when you buy a goldfish and it like dies like 5
hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in
the dresser, hanging on the bookcase. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got
stuck. Then I had 1 dead, wet monkey and 199 dry dead monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were all stuffed animals. That worked awhile, that is before they
started to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee, but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was
embarassed.
I tried to slow down the decompostion by freezing them. Unfortunetly there was only room for
two at a time, so I had to switch them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the
freezer so it wouldn't go bad.
I tried to burn them but little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had 1 dead wet monkey in my toilet, 2 dead frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead
charred monkeys piled on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.
So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of
charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He wouldn't take that one either. I didn't bother to
ask about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know
what to say. They pretended to like them, but I knew they were lying. So, I punched them in the
genitals.
