Savage Love, Nerima Style

OK, here's the background you need. One of the local free papers here in Chicago runs a column by a guy named Dan Savage, who gives advice to the lovelorn that you won't find in Dear Abby (he recently had a several issue discussion on men who like to ejaculate on their partner's faces, OK?). An "out" homosexual, he insists that letter-writers use the salutation, "Hey, Faggot". High journalism, it ain't, but it's a fun read. Anyway, the following spamfic is the result of wondering how he would handle Nerima. Enjoy.

*********************************
* Savage Love *
* by Dan Savage *
* (as "translated" by Freemage) *
*********************************

Hey, Yaoi!
My fiance and his father ditched me ten years ago, and stole the family business, to boot. I was so disgraced I became a transvestite, and then I tracked them down. I finally caught up with them a few months back, and I was about to beat him to a pulp when he told me how cute I am. Anyway, the engagement is back on, but now we've got to deal with his two other fiancees. Anyway, my question is, should I wear a tux to the wedding, or do you think that'll throw him off too much?
Signed,
"As You Like It"
Personally, I like it with barely legal boys and lots of lubricant, but that's not the issue, here. OK, let's run down the facts, as you yourself describe them. A) He and his father are thieves. B) He is running several engagements at once. C) He's messed up your whole sexual identity.
It's quite simple, really. Wear the tux. Things couldn't get any worse for you. Or you could just get a good shrink, a better lawyer and some self-esteem. Your call, kiddo.
*******
Hey, Yaoi-type!
I very attractive girl (see picture enclose). Several months ago, boy beat me while looking like girl. I hunt down. Then beat me when looking like boy, so now me love. But he prefer violent pervert-girl who always hit him. What me do?
Sign,
Shampoo
First of all, let me congratulate you. I don't think I've ever seen a more obscure pen-name. Oh, and thanks for the picture-- It'll help me win arguments about whether or not there is such a thing as a "natural purple".
As for your little dilemma, well, that's actually pretty simple. You like him because he beats you. He likes the other girl who beats him. Now, far be it from me to criticize anyone's choice of kink, but frankly, two subs (that's "submissives" for those of you who have just joined this column) do not a Yin-Yang make.
Either learn to be the dominant, and beat him for a change, or find someone else--preferably someone with a lot of whips. In my private reply, I've included a list of nightclubs in the area that cater to your apparent tastes.
******
Forsooth, Yaoi!
Alas! I know not what to do! For while I am called to the subtle and demur beauty of my raven-haired angel, I am also torn by my passion for the fiery pig-tailed goddess. I would date them both, and I have the financial wherewithal to manage such a feat, but they are as jealous of one another as night and day, and I fear that if I fail
to decide soon, I may lose both. Please, sir, if thou canst see any path by which I might free them from the foul sorcery by which they are bound, share thy lore with me.
Signed,
Blue Thunder
Here, folks, is what happens when you don't get laid. The Blue Thunder is obviously suffering from the Blue Balls, and it's blocking his thought processes. Thunder, here's what you need to do to get rid of that little mental block. Every town has a least a few girls who are willing to do just about anything if the number in front of the yen sign is large enough. I think if you look around _really_ hard, you can find someone like this. Pay her well, and enjoy. I bet things'll be a lot clearer in the morning.
******
Hey, Yaoi!
I'm a breeder fem, and I've got this really weird fetish. I like pigs. Especially the cute little black ones. Just watching them rut around with their cute little noses makes me so horny I need to change my panties at least twice a day. My question is, are there likely to be any guys out there who will understand me? And also, if I do meet someone nice, when should I bring this up?
Signed,
Swine Lover
You know, I never get bored on this job. To answer your last question first, sometime before you ask him to strap on the fake tail and nose. If you've laid the groundwork (get him very horny, maybe a little drunk), he'll be so eager to climb in bed with you that the prospect of having to make some extra grunting noises won't be too much of an obstacle.
And yes, I think you'll find the right kind of man out there, someplace. After all, hasn't feminism taught us that _all_ men are pigs? In the meantime, leave the gate to the pen open and wear truffle-scented panties to bed. Good luck.
******
Hey, Yaoi!
What's a poor old man to do? Nobody understands my needs, my desires for those lacy darlings. Why can't they just leave me in peace? My hobby hurts no one, and it keeps the stores with a steady supply of new customers.
Signed,
Wild Horse
Every once in awhile, the opportunity to do a good deed comes along, and I like to leap at the chance when it arrives. I've ordered subscriptions in your pseudonym for _Victoria's Secret_, _Frederick's of Hollywood_ and several more... obscure catalogues.
Enjoy!

Author's Notes:
Sorry about that. Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing.

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	OK, here's the background you need. One of the local free papers here in Chicago runs a column by a guy named Dan Savage, who gives advice to the lovelorn that you won't find in Dear Abby (he recently had a several issue discussion on men who like to ejaculate on their partner's faces, OK?). An "out" homosexual, he insists that letter-writers use the salutation, "Hey, Faggot". High journalism, it ain't, but it's a fun read. Anyway, the following spamfic is the result of wondering how he would handle Nerima. Enjoy.
	********************************* * Savage Love * * by Dan Savage * * (as "translated" by Freemage) * *********************************
	Hey, Yaoi! My fiance and his father ditched me ten years ago, and stole the family business, to boot. I was so disgraced I became a transvestite, and then I tracked them down. I finally caught up with them a few months back, and I was about to beat him to a pulp when he told me how cute I am. Anyway, the engagement is back on, but now we've got to deal with his two other fiancees. Anyway, my question is, should I wear a tux to the wedding, or do you think that'll throw him off too much? Signed, "As You Like It" Personally, I like it with barely legal boys and lots of lubricant, but that's not the issue, here. OK, let's run down the facts, as you yourself describe them. A) He and his father are thieves. B) He is running several engagements at once. C) He's messed up your whole sexual identity. It's quite simple, really. Wear the tux. Things couldn't get any worse for you. Or you could just get a good shrink, a better lawyer and some self-esteem. Your call, kiddo. ***** Hey, Yaoi-type! I very attractive girl (see picture enclose). Several months ago, boy beat me while looking like girl. I hunt down. Then beat me when looking like boy, so now me love. But he prefer violent pervert-girl who always hit him. What me do? Sign, Shampoo First of all, let me congratulate you. I don't think I've ever seen a more obscure pen-name. Oh, and thanks for the picture-- It'll help me win arguments about whether or not there is such a thing as a "natural purple". As for your little dilemma, well, that's actually pretty simple. You like him because he beats you. He likes the other girl who beats him. Now, far be it from me to criticize anyone's choice of kink, but frankly, two subs (that's "submissives" for those of you who have just joined this column) do not a Yin-Yang make. Either learn to be the dominant, and beat him for a change, or find someone else--preferably someone with a lot of whips. In my private reply, I've included a list of nightclubs in the area that cater to your apparent tastes. **** Forsooth, Yaoi! Alas! I know not what to do! For while I am called to the subtle and demur beauty of my raven-haired angel, I am also torn by my passion for the fiery pig-tailed goddess. I would date them both, and I have the financial wherewithal to manage such a feat, but they are as jealous of one another as night and day, and I fear that if I fail	to decide soon, I may lose both. Please, sir, if thou canst see any path by which I might free them from the foul sorcery by which they are bound, share thy lore with me. Signed, Blue Thunder Here, folks, is what happens when you don't get laid. The Blue Thunder is obviously suffering from the Blue Balls, and it's blocking his thought processes. Thunder, here's what you need to do to get rid of that little mental block. Every town has a least a few girls who are willing to do just about anything if the number in front of the yen sign is large enough. I think if you look around _really_ hard, you can find someone like this. Pay her well, and enjoy. I bet things'll be a lot clearer in the morning. **** Hey, Yaoi! I'm a breeder fem, and I've got this really weird fetish. I like pigs. Especially the cute little black ones. Just watching them rut around with their cute little noses makes me so horny I need to change my panties at least twice a day. My question is, are there likely to be any guys out there who will understand me? And also, if I do meet someone nice, when should I bring this up? Signed, Swine Lover You know, I never get bored on this job. To answer your last question first, sometime before you ask him to strap on the fake tail and nose. If you've laid the groundwork (get him very horny, maybe a little drunk), he'll be so eager to climb in bed with you that the prospect of having to make some extra grunting noises won't be too much of an obstacle. And yes, I think you'll find the right kind of man out there, someplace. After all, hasn't feminism taught us that _all_ men are pigs? In the meantime, leave the gate to the pen open and wear truffle-scented panties to bed. Good luck. **** Hey, Yaoi! What's a poor old man to do? Nobody understands my needs, my desires for those lacy darlings. Why can't they just leave me in peace? My hobby hurts no one, and it keeps the stores with a steady supply of new customers. Signed, Wild Horse Every once in awhile, the opportunity to do a good deed comes along, and I like to leap at the chance when it arrives. I've ordered subscriptions in your pseudonym for _Victoria's Secret_, _Frederick's of Hollywood_ and several more... obscure catalogues. Enjoy!