Jonas's Journal: An Unwitting Declaration

by Vicki James, 2002

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. No copyright infringement is intended.

Please do not post or distribute this story without the author's permission.

******

His face was flushed red with the sickness but even fever couldn't stop him from being in perpetual motion. His head tossed back and forth on the pillow and his fingers clenched at the blankets.

Not surprisingly, his mind remained active too, judging by his constant mutterings. He spoke in single words and disjointed phrases, which must have made sense only within his own consciousness.

It was the longest conversation Colonel O'Neill had ever held with me, even though it was completely one-sided. In my own fevered state, the idea amused me. But being ill myself, I wasn't really paying particular attention to O'Neill's ramblings until my mind latched onto a name he kept repeating over and over.

'Sam' was what he said. 'Sam!' he called out continuously as he thrashed about on the hard bunk. The name was so clear that I had to wonder who Sam was and what importance he held in Colonel O'Neill's life. I felt a bit guilty to be eavesdropping on the other man's private thoughts but then I couldn't have gotten up and left the room if I'd tried. I was slowly succumbing to the virus. I could have turned my head away, turned toward the wall and stopped myself from listening, shutting out O'Neill's fevered words. But I didn't. In fact, the next words out of his mouth caused me to crane my neck around towards him. I felt my eyes go wide with surprise.

He still mumbled Sam's name and was saying something about regrets...one more regret. Then he said in a perfectly clear and intelligible voice, "...love you. Sam. I love you."

It's not that I was shocked Colonel O'Neill loved someone. I didn't think the guy's heart was quite as frozen as the land outside. It's just that I never expected to hear him vocalize those kinds of feelings, even in a fevered state. O'Neill so far always seemed very closed off about his emotions. Well, that is, with the exception of anger ... frustration ... impatience ... boredom ...

Now I really wanted to find out the identity of the enigmatic Sam. I'd met Teal'c's son and Major Carter's father and in a rare moment of idle chatter with O'Neill I'd asked if he had a family. "Not anymore" had been his response and he remained closed-mouthed after that. Teal'c had later informed me that Colonel O'Neill's young son had died. Maybe he was the Sam about whom O'Neill spoke. That would make sense. Maybe O'Neill had never told the boy he loved him and that's what he regretted. That was probably it. Except...he sounded more like he wished he had more time to do something rather than regretting what he'd already lost the chance to do.

Having said his piece, if only in his dreams, O'Neill settled down into a silent, still sleep. I didn't think that was necessarily good but I had no more time to consider anything as the illness claimed my consciousness as well.

******

Aiyanna stood above me offering a wan smile on a face drained of all colour. At first I thought the room was rocking back and forth but then I realized it was Aiyanna who was swaying into a faint. I reacted too late to stop her from slipping to the floor. I jumped from the bed to kneel at her side, a detached part of my mind remarking as I did that I could jump up like that. So, Aiyanna had healed me, at the cost of her own strength. I felt only a little bit groggy and a lot concerned for the unconscious woman before me.

A quick glance toward the other bunk told me Aiyanna hadn't yet healed O'Neill. I didn't have time to wonder about the others before their voices erupted into the silence of the room. I was relieved to see Doctor Fraiser and Major Carter both well.

But while I'd been worried about all of us before, I was now even more anxious about O'Neill and Aiyanna.

Doctor Fraiser was issuing orders, checking on O'Neill and on Aiyanna who I had gathered into my arms. Intent on the mysterious healer, I wasn't paying much attention to the other one until she called out for Major Carter's assistance.

"Sam, come help me here."

My head jerked up. Sam. Of course. Major Carter's given name was Samantha and her friends called her Sam. I'd heard Doctor Fraiser call her that countless times but I hadn't associated Major Sam Carter with the Sam for whom Colonel O'Neill professed his love.

So did he love her? Maybe. I didn't really think about it then as my focus returned to Aiyanna whose body seemed to be getting even hotter to the touch.

Before I turned my head back down to offer the ailing woman some whispered words of comfort I spared Major Carter one momentary glance.

While Colonel O'Neill was still flushed with fever the major, now sitting beside him, was deathly pale. She didn't touch him or talk to him but seemed to be trying to reach out to him nonetheless. The despair painted on her face told me O'Neill's affection was probably not one-sided.

Then Doctor Fraiser was kneeling down to check on Aiyanna and thoughts about my teammates' relationship were temporarily forgotten.

******

My seat on the transport plane was hard and I squirmed about trying to find a comfortable position. The people of Earth were pretty advanced, more so than those of my home world. They could take ships and people into space. They had figured out how to use the Stargate, enabling them to cross the galaxy in a mere footstep.

So you'd think they'd find a better way to get around their own planet.

Aside from being uncomfortable, these aircraft flights took some time. Too much time for me to think when I was worried about someone. Or a couple of someones, I should say. I wanted Aiyanna to live. She fascinated me. For her to have risked her life to save ours meant she had to have a good heart.

So too did Colonel O'Neill, I thought. I'd seen how he acted with his own people and those on other worlds. I'd read mission reports. Beneath that snarky, sarcastic exterior was a decent guy. Even if I didn't have his respect, he had mine and I was scared that he was going to die.

As worried as I was, I don't think my concern was much compared to the feelings of the others. The transport plane was too noisy for conversation; what a bad time to be lacking in distraction from our thoughts.

During other long, quiet journeys I'd always seen Teal'c meditating but he wasn't on this occasion. He was as still as a great ebony statue, obviously not as discomforted by the seating as I was, or more likely impervious to it. His expression was as stoic as ever, except for a slight downward curving of his brow that betrayed his emotionless façade.

My own brow wrinkled in concern as I turned to Doctor Fraiser. Since we'd taken flight she'd been absorbed in her notes, no doubt searching for a clue to curing this disease. Maybe she could beat this puzzling ailment. But could she do it in time for Aiyanna and O'Neill? I knew she'd try whatever it took.

Even before this incident I'd had a lot of faith in and admiration for Doctor Fraiser. Perhaps admiration not only for the doctor but for the woman as well. In my experience she didn't just attend to the illness, she cared for the person as well. Her reception of me when I'd first arrived on Earth had been as wary as that of the others but she'd always treated me with fairness. Now that we were on a friendlier basis, well...let's just say I'm much more interested in visiting the SGC infirmary than I had ever been interested in seeing a physician back home. Sick or not.

Doctor Fraiser suddenly raised her head and looked straight at me. Our gazes held. After a moment she tilted her head to the side and her eyes widened slightly; she asked silently what it was that held my attention rapt on her. I gave a little shrug and a half smile, a bit embarrassed to have been caught staring. She offered me a tight smile that was more of a grimace really, before turning back to her notes.

Her attention didn't remain there for long, however (yes, I was still watching her). After a moment she turned toward Major Carter, beside whom she was seated. My gaze followed.

To say someone was all alone in a crowd was to describe Major Carter right then. She sat with her arms crossed and her hands clenching on to opposite shoulders. Her head was tossed back and she stared unseeingly at the bulkhead above her. It was like she couldn't escape being stuck on the plane so she was trying to shut out her environment and sink into herself.

Doctor Fraiser watched her for a moment and then reached out a hand to gently touch the other woman's shoulder. Major Carter turned her head and her hands fell into her lap.

Without any words, which probably couldn't have been heard and likely weren't necessary, Doctor Fraiser took Major Carter's hand in her own and gave it a reassuring squeeze. She received a faint smile from the major before she dropped her hand and turned back to her reading.

It wasn't two people consoling each other. It was one friend offering what small comfort she could to another.

And that simple gesture told me a lot.

******

Aiyanna was dead. She'd said she was sorry. Sorry she wouldn't be around so we could get to know her better? Sorry she had to die? Sorry she couldn't help heal O'Neill? I didn't know but I was sure I'd ponder it eventually. That and the question of why people kept saving my life and dying as a result. Who was I to be the one who lived?

All that was for later. Right then I had the unenviable task of informing the others, informing Major Carter, that the best hope for saving O'Neill's life was gone.

I ran through the corridors, getting some stares from base personnel as I did. People staring at me wasn't a new thing; it had happened a lot when I'd first arrived on Earth. Nowadays people were a bit friendlier. Most would nod in greeting, call out a "hi Jonas" or even ask me about the weather.

Why I ran, I didn't know. It wasn't like I was eager to be the bearer of terrible news. Being quick about it likely wasn't going to help O'Neill. Maybe I needed to somehow burn off some tension before being faced with more grief.

I delivered the news to a group of people with my eyes on Major Carter the whole time. She was the one who really needed to be informed. She was the one whose eyes squeezed shut momentarily, likely needing to hold back her fears. She was the one who fought against summarily introducing a Tok'ra symbiote to Colonel O'Neill's body without his express consent. She was the one who knew how he'd react to such a suggestion.

She was the one sent to ask him if he'd do it.

******

I think we all expelled a collective sigh of relief and then took a fresh breath of hope when O'Neill agreed to join with the symbiote. At first, I didn't think he'd allow it. "Over my dead body" had been a pretty clear indication of that to me. But then Major Carter had asked him again, had said please, and he'd given his consent. I hadn't been able to see her face when she'd made that final plea so I'm not sure what was in that 'please' but I think it was something more than we heard. Something which Carter and O'Neill had both clearly understood.

Doctor Fraiser had gone off to make the necessary preparations for transporting O'Neill and General Hammond had left to inform the Tok'ra representative that O'Neill would act as a host. I followed the general out but realized belatedly that I'd left my journal behind in the observation room. What I write isn't exactly the sort of thing I'd want anyone reading, so I had to go back for the notebook.

Major Carter was still there at O'Neill's side. I didn't want to intrude so I just walked over and grabbed my book, but when I turned to leave movement in the room below caught my eye. As I glanced at them I saw Major Carter bend down and softly stroke the hair off Colonel O'Neill's brow with one gloved hand. With the other glove barring the way to close contact between them she nevertheless picked up his hand and held it in her own for just a moment. That was all I saw before I hurried out of the room.

******

I wonder what will become of them. The military regulations that I read forbid them to have a personal relationship. I doubt however, that whoever came up with that rule had any idea that the people who might be disallowed a relationship would be two former hosts of symbiotic life forms from outer space. Maybe there was a loophole in there for that.

They can't make rules about feelings, anyway.

No matter what happens, I sure hope O'Neill has a chance to satisfy those regrets.

******

End

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