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*****
Captain's log
Voyager is once more at the hands of fate. Here in the Delta Quadrant we have encountered alien races, alien disease and alien technology but it is in fact our own technology which threatens us. Our gel packs, the very heart of our computer system, have developed a biological disease and are degenerating at an alarming rate. Lieutenant Torres has determined a cure. But this cure has presented us with a bigger problem.
Algaeomoxin seems to be the only solution. A large infusion of algaeomoxin will regenerate the gel packs. But this substance is in precious supply at home and thus far we have found no supply here. Without gel packs Voyager will have limited use of the central computer and I will have to once more consider the possibility of discontinuing our voyage home.
*****
Commander Chakotay sat in his regular place on the bridge. Officially he was in command but he always felt somewhat out of place in the big chair. The big chair was her chair. Even when she was only temporarily away from the bridge as she was now. Janeway and Torres had been frantically searching for a cure for the gel pack dilemma, while Chakotay, Kim and Tuvok searched for a supply of algaeomoxin. Thus far they had covered three sectors of space and followed countless clues to no avail. The latest clue had sounded promising but Chakotay cautioned the crew against being too optimistic.
"Commander," Harry Kim broke the worried silence on the bridge. "Long range scanners are detecting a considerable supply of algaeomoxin on the third planet of this sector."
Chakotay snapped his head in Tuvok's direction.
"Confirming a warp capable society, Commander," came Tuvok's reply.
Chakotay stood up and crossed to Harry's console to study his readings. He nodded and walked towards the con.
"Tom, set course. Harry send a message requesting communication. Gentleman, I do believe we are about to make our Captain very happy." He smiled brightly and returned to his station.
*****
Chakotay watched as Janeway and her away team exited the bridge. Something about this set his warning bells off but nothing that he could put his finger on to bring to the Captain's attention. Just a vague unsettled feeling of concern with this race. When the initial visual contact had been made it seemed cold, slightly hostile, almost condescending. But the instant the Captain had appeared on the bridge and joined him in the communication, actually she took over the negotiation, the tone changed. The slightly aloof air of the Tisol woman relaxed. Her slightly feline facial structure changed from aggressive to accommodating. The air of superiority evaporated. Negotiations moved along smoothly and the Tisol were happy to share their supply of algaeomoxin for information concerning the last sector of space that Voyager had mapped. To the Tisol, algaeomoxin had little or no value and they were happy to help.
Chakotay paced the bridge for another moment and decided to see the away team's shuttle off in person.
"Tuvok you have the bridge," he announced as he walked purposefully to the turbo lift.
As he arrived in shuttlebay two he saw the tail end of the harvesting equipment that Torres had been working on being stowed and Paris was running a final safety check before starting his pre flight. Kim and Ensign Kane were prepping the shuttle's interior. Chakotay managed to catch the Captain before she entered the shuttle.
"Captain," he called to catch her attention. She spun around, alarmed that there may have been a conflict concerning the Tisol. Touching her arm he lead her out of earshot of the others.
"Captain," his voice was soft with worried. "Be careful."
"You came all the way down here to tell me that?" Janeway was slightly annoyed that he was standing before her instead of on the Bridge where she had left him in charge. She knew that he would have handed over to Tuvok, who was more than capable of dealing with anything. But command protocol didn't leave anyplace for personal goodbye in a mission of this importance.
A hurt look flashed so quickly over his face that she wasn't sure she had actually seen it.
"I am feeling very concerned with the sudden change in attitude that I detected in the communication with the Tisol. I'll return to the bridge, Captain." He turned on his heels and with a stiff military trot that was not his way he quick stepped out of the shuttle bay.
"Damn," she said to herself as she sat down in her chair and joined Paris in the pre flight. He hadn't been there for a personal reason; he had a legitimate concern about the away mission. She had shot him down when she had jumped to the wrong conclusion about his motives.
This breech of her beloved protocol was by her not him.
*****
The Tisol's world was charming. The away team were fascinated by the very physical and quite lovely Tisol women. This race was physically appealing and quite humanoid. Long limbed, fluid in motion, graceful, and decidedly feline in appearance. Not having catlike features but some combination of movement, shape and set of large eyes gave this illusion. A slightly elongated nose and chin and an abundance of smooth fine hair the originated at the head and continued down that back added to the impression. The Tisol were very attractive and had a sexual manner about them. Janeway had observed both Kane and Paris watching Tisol women with undisguised admiration. Poor Harry had been blushing more or less since they had reached the planet. She wondered if it would be wise to request shore leave here if this was the effect of the women on her male crew members.
The Tisol community was full of contradictions. It was bright and functional but lacking in the somewhat sterile atmosphere that often accompanied technologically advanced races. There was a soothing reassuringly earthy feel to this place. The private chamber that Janeway had been assigned was warm and comfortable, rich in wood and cloth.
Harry Kim and Ensign Kane started the harvesting operation and Tom Paris stayed with the captain as she continued the negotiations.
"I think I am getting tired of this," Tom said as he walked into the main area of the rooms that the away team shared. It was the Tisol's request that they stay planetside during the harvesting and negotiation phase.
"What is the problem, Mr. Paris?" Janeway asked as the younger man threw himself into a chair.
"The problem is that these people treat me like a second class citizen or worse a beast of burden. The ones who try to put me in my place are only second to the ones who treat me like a misbehaving five year old!" Paris tipped back the chair that he was siting in and stretched out his long frame. Janeway, who had only been half listening, now started to pay attention. The data pad she had been working on was abandoned.
"How so?"
"The only men that I have seen have been working in manual labour positions, cleaning or serving. This doesn't strike me as a society in need of a working class. These women treat the men like servants, brainless ones." He stood up and walked across the room to sit beside her desk. "Captain, there are no children here. None! I have been scanning carefully and everyone is this society is twenty five standard years or older."
Paris handed his tricorder to her. Janeway bent her head forward to scan the information and concern creased her brow. She had been too preoccupied with her negotiations and the prospect of a cure for the gel pack problem to be to cognizant of her surroundings. Once again Chakotay's visit to the shuttlebay came back to her. Had he picked up on some of this unsettling atmosphere?
"Tom, I need to study this further. I would like you to see if you can discreetly get access, to some historical information on this society. Be careful. There are some inconsistencies with the cultural database that the Tisol provided. Voyager needs the algaeomoxin but I am concerned about sharing too much information with a society that may be looking for something more than just sector mapping. I can't quite see what they want but there is something about this makes me very uneasy."
The Captain stood up and crossed the common area towards her private room.. She turned back to him as she opened the door.
"Tom, contact Kim and Kane and tell them to keep a low profile and stay in touch with them. I have a strange feeling that we are missing some pieces to this puzzle."
Janeway closed the door and sat down on the rather luxurious bed that was in the center of the room. The quarters here delighted her. Though she was not a woman who would have described herself as overtly feminine something about this place had a woman's hand to it. So very different them the spartan, clean and somewhat cold interior of her ship, this place was warm and soft and decidedly female.
As she considered Paris's words, she found that she too could see that there was something disturbing about the structure of this society. There were no men at any of the negotiation tables she had attended. She had not seen men in any of the meetings or even at all. It was as if they were hidden from view. She was in complete agreement with Starfleet's dictates concerning involvement with contacting new societies and had no intention of condemning the Tisol for segregating the sexes. She was, however, concerned that they had presented themselves in such a conflicting manner. This did warrant further investigation.
"Janeway to Voyager," she said tapping her comm badge. She realized that Chakotay would be off duty.
"Voyager here Captain," came Tuvok's ever vigilant reply.
"Status?" she asked.
"All is well, Captain. The stabilization efforts of the gel packs are holding and Lieutenant Torres and Seven of Nine are readying the engineering lab to refine the algaeomoxin."
"Very well, Janeway......actually Tuvok, patch me through to Commander Chakotay," she hesitated slightly embarrassed knowing that a full bridge crew would hear the request.
"Commander Chakotay is off duty, Captain," Tuvok answered. Janeway could see the eye brow raised as he answered.
'Damn, Tuvok, just do what I ask!' she thought.
"Regardless, Mr. Tuvok, I would like to speak with him," she said her voice controlled and professional.
"Very well, Captain," Tuvok answered totally unaware of the annoyance he was creating.
"Janeway to Chakotay." Janeway waited, no response. She tried again.
******
Chakotay lay on bed in his quarters in that wonderful place just before falling asleep. His eyes opened he had just sworn he had heard Kathryn calling his name. Must be a dream he thought and rolled over. It came again.
"Janeway to Chakotay."
He reached out and touched his comm badge.
'So much for that dream,' he thought still slightly bruised at her words from the previous day. He smiled at himself.
"Chakotay here," he said, rolling his head back on his neck trying to wake up enough to have a conversation his voice husky with sleep.
"I am sorry," Kathryn said and hesitated slightly. "Did I wake you Commander?"
"I was just dropping off no problem." He smiled. He knew that her hesitant addition was an apology for the day before.
"I wanted to talk to you in private." Again an awkward silence. "About your concerns about the Tisol. You had some concerns and I didn't let you express them." Kathryn was sitting on the bed out of uniform with data pads spread around her comm badge on the bedside table.
"It was more of an impression that the Tisol Ambassador was somewhat hostile in the initial contact but at some point that changed. I was concerned with that radical a change in tone and wasn't very effective in identifying my own concerns let alone sharing them with you. Perhaps I should have waited but..." He looked down at himself stretched out in bed having a personal discussion with his Captain. He was not in uniform. He smiled and continued. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."
Kathryn could hear the smile in his voice and suddenly realized what he must have just occurred to him. He was in bed; she was getting ready to sleep. 'I wonder what he sleeps in?' she thought and blushed.
"Kathryn?" Chakotay questioned when she didn't reply.
"I think that you may have hit on something, Chakotay. Tom has made some interesting observation. Unless I miss my guess we are dealing with a society that has two distinct classes. Male and female. And the males do not seem to be held in very high regard. I would like you to have Seven do a search of the cultural database that the Tisol have provided. Concerning men and childbearing."
"Pardon?" Chakotay answered.
"There are no children here that we have been able to see. I am wondering if this is a race who are born, for lack of a better term, full grown. I think your feeling of unease is contagious." Kathryn lay back in her bed and looked out the sky light above her.
"I will get her started on it first thing. Kathryn, be careful."
"I promise, Chakotay. Good night." She closed the link.
*****
"Paris to Voyager!"
"Voyager here," Chakotay answered form his position on the bridge.
"We have a situation, Commander." Paris' tone was deadly serious. Chakotay moved to stand.
"Tuvok to the bridge!" he barked.
"Report Paris!"
"The Captain is missing."
"What do you mean missing?" Chakotay scanned the bridge as if searching for something. Panic rising in his chest, he thought *damn it*. This had felt wrong all along. Getting control of his command voice he pushed down the panic.
"Have you scanned? What was her last known location? Where are you now?"
Paris was battling his own panic as he responded.
"I did a full scan for her comm badge and for human life signs both negative. The captain was located in the Ambassador's library concluding the final negotiation meeting. We had arranged for her to rendezvous with us at the shuttle. When she didn't arrive I attempted to go to the library and was told that it was a restricted area so men were not allowed." Paris's voice was professional but Chakotay caught the shake of anger.
"Is the harvesting operation finished?" First things first, Voyager couldn't function without the algaeomoxin. Until Voyager was functioning fully Chakotay couldn't afford to get into a confrontation with these people. But, if confrontation was what they wanted he would be fully prepared to give it to them.
"Yes and no sir. We have sufficient amounts to rejuvenate our gel packs but the captain had wanted to obtain enough algaeomoxin to do another refit down the road." This was from Harry.
"Paris, get back up here. Chakotay out." Chakotay spun on his heel and walked towards the door of the ready room.
*****
Chakotay paced the length of the conference room. The senior staff, those of whom were on Voyager, had assembled here to discuss the crisis: the Doctor, Seven of Nine, Tuvok, and B'Elanna.
Chakotay was listening intently but he could not bare to be still. He had no idea how the captain managed it during a crisis.
B'Elanna had given a run down of the gel pack situation. All ship's functions would be at peak efficiency in 48 hours.
"I have scanned the planet numerous times in the 12 hours since the captain's disappearance." Tuvok's voice grated on Chakotay's skin. "I can find no evidence of the captain's communications badge or of human life signs." Chakotay stopped pacing and turned on the Vulcan. How could he be so dispassionate?
"Then she's dead." Chakotay didn't even recognize his own voice. The room was motionless.
"That is not necessarily the correct assumption, Commander. In addition to not reading any human life signs, I am not reading any evidence of the captain's DNA, in any form. Whoever is responsible for the captain's disappearance has gone to great lengths to erase any evidence that she was ever on the surface of the planet." Tuvok tilted his head back slightly and looked thoughtfully at Chakotay.
Chakotay leaned towards Tuvok as if mesmerized by his words. Suddenly like a match being struck the situation became clear to Chakotay.
"They're hiding her. This isn't about ransom or control. They made her disappear." His mind began to race with questions about motive and ability.
"I want answers!" He resumed his pacing. "Why did they take her, what are their plans for her how do we get her back? Seven, the captain had you doing some research for her into Tisol culture. Did you find any thing of value?"
"The Tisol are a very interesting race. They originated from two races that inhabited this planet. What we are currently seeing here is a hybrid. At one time a race called the Fanfar made up the majority of the inhabits. They were a non-dominate race males and females treated as equal somewhat under-evolved and with little or no technology. The Tisol where in an expansion phase and they colonized the planet. Their female dominate culture and superior technology absorbed the Fanfar. The union of the two species successfully eliminated the threat of rebellion from the male of the Fanfar species as they were discouraged from reproducing with women of their own species. The Fanfar where eventually supplanted by the Tisol.
"However there was a problem, after four generations they lost the ability to reproduce without medical intervention. There is very limited information relating to procreation, I had great difficulty obtaining the information that I have just presented. The computer area pertaining to this information is encrypted in a way that I have not been able to break through. It is remarkably efficient for such an unsophisticated species."
B'Elanna turned to Seven with surprise.
"You hacked into their computer systems?" she questioned. Seven looked taken aback by Torres's question.
"I don't think that was what the captain intended when she asked you to do some research Seven," the Doctor jumped in where no one else dare speak.
"Considering the situation it seems likely she would approve," Seven answered coolly.
"Commander," Tuvok cut in. "The rest of the relevant information concerns diplomatic practice of the Tisol. They will not deal with men. Within the culture of this race, men are second class citizens. They are allotted very little in the way of rights and considered only in relationship to the women they are attached to by bonding or birth. They do not hold any office in government or business and work in purely subservient roles. Not unlike the way human women were treated in the 19th century on Earth."
"Ayala to Chakotay."
"Chakotay here," Chakotay answered.
"The shuttle is now in shuttlebay two."
"On my way."
Chakotay walked toward the doorway.
"I want more answers people."
*****
B'Elanna walked quickly after Chakotay on to the Bridge. He was on his way to the turbo lift at warp 9. She sped up and to join him. Before the door closed B'Elanna stepped in. Assessing the expression on his face she decided to plunge ahead.
"Chakotay, if everything that Tuvok and Seven have told us is true there is no point in you trying to negotiate with them. They are not going to deal with you. You are going to have to leave this to a woman."
"And who do you suggest? Seven? You?" His stance was threatening. Torres had seen that look before and didn't back down. "No offense but she is a Borg and you're half Klingon. Neither group is well known for their diplomatic styles. They are going to have to get over themselves and deal with me." He started to walk around her. She brought her hand up to rest on his shoulder.
"You're wrong, Chakotay. I know you are worried about the captain but you are just going to have to trust me. They will not deal with you and you have to face that you can't always be the one to save her."
B'Elanna's words all but knocked the wind out of him. His first reaction was anger. Then it was shock that he would have to stand by and watch someone do what he thought was his job.
"Fine." His teeth clenched tightly together. "Can Carey handle the rejuvenation on the gel packs?" He struggled to be logical.
"I'll explain it to him," she said with a slight smile.
Chakotay reached up and removed his Commander's insignia. Pinning it to her collar he removed her Lieutenant's bars.
"Congratulations you have just been promoted. Commander."
*****
Tom Paris was finishing the lock down on the shuttle when he felt rather than heard Chakotay come into the bay. Harry and Kane had loaded the algaeomoxin into a transport cart and were taking it to the engineering lab.
Tom spun around to meet Chakotay. It had been quite along time since he had seen the Commander this angry.
"What the hell happened?" Chakotay's voice a growl starting somewhere in the back of his throat. He took two more carefully measured steps towards Tom.
Though several centimeters taller, Paris was well aware of Chakotay's size and ability in a physical confrontation. They stood locked in each other's gaze for a very long time.
Paris knew better than to look away for fear of making Chakotay even angrier. But the longer they stood toe to toe the more likely the chances that Chakotay would drive him through the hull of the shuttle. He had no idea what to do.
Chakotay watched Paris through the red glow of rage that seemed to be more in control than he was of himself. He hated that red glow. It had been such a large part of his life for so long. And then it was gone. The reason it had left him was Kathryn Janeway. Just thinking about her helped him to push the anger down. To find another way.
Paris sensed the change as soon as it happened. Something about the way the older man held himself. Some subtle change. Paris let his eyes drop to his own feet.
"I'm sorry." His words were a whisper. "I never should have left her at the residence but everything seemed so safe and Harry and Kane needed the help getting off the shipment stored."
Chakotay took a step back.
"I came here to break your face, Paris."
"I know, sir." Paris felt worse than if Chakotay had hit him. "Why didn't you?"
"I have no idea." He turned and walked towards the shuttlebay door. "I guess I couldn't knowing how she feels about you, Tom."
As the doors closed Tom Paris shook his head in disbelief. Even when she wasn't here she was looking out for him.
*****
"She is fighting the mental reeducation process."
A tall, very efficient looking Tisol woman examined a data display monitor which was mounted on a diagnostic bed encased in semi-transparent material and filled with a gelatinous cloudy liquid. Inside the rather unTisol-like female body was suspended motionless. The noise and light generated by the respiration apparatus and medication and nutrition ports were unnoticed by its occupant. The Tisol woman ran her hand along the top of the box as if stroking the figure inside.
"The physical reconfiguration is proceeding wonderfully. I have great faith, Mias. Human physiology is very compatible with our own. Psychologically, there are greater challenges. This species is highly attached to their moral values. They believe that the sexes are equal and she is in conflict about our attitudes. The implant memories will counter that effect. Given time and the correct environment Kathryn Janeway will become Tisol in more than just her physical appearance."
Raising her hand she pushed the surface of the display. Extending her claw she scratched gently the length of the container. Hanay marveled at the sensory deprivation technology that rebuilt physical bodies into the images she prescribed.
"What about fertilization?" Mias asked, watching her partner with suspicion. Often Hanay became too involved with her research and its subjects. The need to constantly remind her of their mission was tiresome. This alien woman, so strange and yet so compatible to their own physiology, might solve the problems that threatened the very existence of Tisol species. Without new alien DNA, the Tisol would no longer reproduce and would in all likelihood be come extinct. But this woman and her strange ways could provide the basis for a new generation of Tisol children!
"Very hopeful. Well with in acceptable range for pregnancy. Menstruation and ovulation well defined and all relevant systems and DNA functioning perfectly. No previous pregnancies or evidence of pregnancy prevention agent. I have high hopes, Mias. This Captain Janeway may be the answer to our problem."
*****
'What is this place?' In that moment before awaking, she wondered.
Blue eyes opened. Focusing was impossible.
Warm, damp, close, silence, isolation, peace, sleep.
Blue eyes closed.
Later, much later. Unknown. Blue eyes opened, body tight, stretch, soft, warm comfortable.
'Where am I?' Words, thoughts. 'Not quite right' more words floated by images. Stars, moons, a shining ship, faces, women, men- a slight feeling of contempt passed quickly.
Purposefully, she recalled the images of the men, blue, yellow, black and red clothing. Again a slight feeling of distrust, unease. One face, brown eyes, dark skin, smiling.
"Chakotay," she tried to whisper. Warmth, peace, sleep. Blue eyes closed.
*****
Seven and Tuvok worked at an astonishing pace, tracking refining locating. Finally they formulated a reasonable hypothesis.
"Working with the limited information that we have we have extrapolated two possible locations for the captain. One is here." Tuvok indicated a large multi-leveled structure, surrounded by security beams, on the view screen.
"The second and perhaps more logical place is with in the Ambassador's residence. There seems to be a containment field located directly under the residence. On our initial scans it appeared to be a simple security precaution but on closer examination we discovered that it is a highly complex and effective hiding place. Once inside it is impossible to trace anyone. It is as if they have ceased to exist."
"Can we penetrate it?" Chakotay asked, his first words of the briefing.
"With sensors no. In person yes. I have programmed a phaser to deliver a tachyon burst. It will displace the shielding long enough for to let one of our people pass through. Once the captain has been located, another burst will allow them to leave. Once clear of the shielding, they can be transported back to Voyager. The difficulty will be getting them into the Tisol Embassy."
"Lieutenant Torres has been negotiating with the Tisol for several hours. She seemed to be making some progress. For some reason referring to Lieutenant Paris as a pig has been helpful." Seven looked confused.
Chakotay smiled slightly. Leave it to Torres to use her occasionally confrontational nature to their advantage.
Chakotay carefully considered the information presented. The ship was up and running. If they could retrieve the captain they could defend themselves or better still leave Tisol well behind them. They just had to find her first.
******
"The process is complete. It has been 48 hours. You may begin the removal."
Assisted by a third woman, Mias and Hanay helped the rather disoriented Janeway to her feet. Wrapping her in a large robe, they watched as she tried to find her bearings. After several long moments.
"Where am I?"
'Is that my voice?' she thought, 'how odd it sounds.' Looking around the room it looked vaguely familiar but everything about this seemed vague and slightly out of focus. Hanay took her arm.
"You are in the medical development lab, Kathryn." Her voice was gentle and soothing. Maternally she patted Janeway's arm and led her towards a small room.
"Rest here, Kathryn. You will recall more as the effects of your therapy normalize your body functions. Not to worry, you are responding wonderfully. We are still evaluating your results but we will have an answer for you soon." Hanay spoke with so much confidence that Kathryn didn't question her.
"There is food and water and a place to clean up and rest. We will talk in a few hours. Welcome back, Kathryn." The doors slid firmly closed.
'Kathryn, that's my name. Yes, that is my name.' Kathryn walked around the room examine searching for something familiar. The main room was cloth and wood, warm and comfortable. She had been here before. A tray with food she removed the cover and sniffed the food. 'Odd. I don't usually sniff my food. Do I?' She replaced the cover and ran her hands over her eyes and into her hair.
Touching her hair, it was short, sleek, different. Putting both hands on her face she explored with her fingertips. There was an unsettling feeling of unfamiliarity that this wasn't quite right. She moved slowly to the shower. Finding all the necessities she hoped that being clean would sort things out. Her confusion may be caused by the medication she rationalized.
"Medication? What medication? Why am I in a medical facility?" Though she had a million questions it was comforting to hear her own voice.
As the water poured down her body she tried to review what she knew. Her name was Kathryn and she was in a medical faculty. That was the entire list of details and it was upsettingly short. She lathered her body stopping to examine herself. She felt altered she couldn't determine in what way. As she dressed she noticed her hands, strong but small fine boned long fingers, her claws retracted.
"What?" she muttered. "I don't have claws. This isn't right."
As she stared at her hands the door slid open and a man entered.
'A man? What was a man doing in here? Why would a man enter without knocking?' She looked at him with contempt.
"What do you want?" she snapped.
"I just came to remove your tray." His voice was timid and he looked at the floor when he spoke. "Is there anything else that you require, Ma'am?"
Something about the word Ma'am was annoyingly familiar.
"No get out and leave the tray!"
Without turning the man exited the room.
*****
"Ambassador Mias, we understand that you have no idea knowledge of our Captain's whereabouts. But it would benefit our investigation if I could examine her last known location. Perhaps our equipment could find some trace that your equipment missed. I must admit that the security officer that was with her is under investigation regarding her disappearance." Torres looked around her, feigning paranoia.
"Ambassador, we are beginning to fear that this man..." Her words were slightly hushed though she was alone in the ready room. "...Paris may be responsible for the Captain's disappearance."
The Ambassador looked at Torres with some small suspicion.
'What was her game?' Mias wondered.
"Has there been a problem between your Captain and this man Paris?"
Torres was struggling now. She had hoped that by merely showing them disrespect for men, and Paris in particular, she could win the needed concession. She was getting in over her head here. Never a very effective liar, she paused a bit too long.
"Commander Torres?" the Ambassador asked, smiling slightly.
Chakotay appeared beside Torres, despite their agreement to let Torres handle the conversation.
"The problem, Ambassador, is that Captain Janeway is my mate and Paris wanted her." Chakotay had been monitoring the conversation. Ambassador Mias's body stiffened at the sight of this Chakotay.
"I think Paris killed her in a fit of passion when she rejected him. I demand proof." Chakotays words were menacing. Torres and the Ambassador looked at him equally shocked.
Mias tightened her jaw. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end. She was aware of this race's bizarre custom of equality between the sexes but it annoyed her nonetheless. This revelation could be an expedient way to rid herself of these annoying humans, particularly their forward and inappropriate males.
Pointedly ignoring Chakotay's outburst, Mias focused on Torres.
"Commander Torres, I have no desire to become involved with the dirty little secret of your Captain and her crew. In the interest of good diplomatic relations I will allow you two hours of access to my residence. But when that time has passed, regardless of your findings, I want this matter resolved. It has been my experience that people make rash decisions when they are not held responsible for their own actions. Tisol out"
Torres turned to face Chakotay the shock finally leaving her.
"I never knew you were so creative!"
Chakotay had the good graces to look slightly amused.
"It worked, didn't it?"
******
"Watch them every movement! I want observed." Mias was not happy that Commander Torres and the Captain's partner were going to examine the embassy. The prospect of putting the Voyager crew far from Tisol however was very appealing. Other travelers and their crews had been more accepting of their crewmembers dying accidentally or just deciding not to return to their ships after the transformation occurred. Mias could not count the number of women from alien vessels that were left with only a short discussion. Their crews seemed to take their desire to stay on Tisol as genuine but Mias could tell that this was not the case with these Starfleet people, most notably the one named Chakotay.
*****
Tuvok's plan was simple. He had anticipated that the Tisol would be watching every move Torres and Chakotay made far too closely for them to enter the shielded area. They needed to create distraction.
Tuvok announced,
"Tisol be aware we are experiencing some temporary transporter difficulties due to the introduction of algaeomoxin. Request permission to transport test modules to calibrate the system?"
"Go ahead Voyager." The Tisol, though not in possession of transporter technology, understood the need to test systems from time to time. To Tuvok this seemed only logical.
The two small metal storage containers appeared at the prearranged transport site.
"Tisol to Voyager. We have received your transport."
Tuvok closed the channel and prepared his distraction. The two modules had been fitted with canisters containing sufficient thoron gas to render everyone within a forty meter radius unconscious for thirty to forty minutes. Each unit also a contained a small explosive charge that would cause anyone unaffected by the gas considerable confusion. The charges had been put on a time delay and were set to ignite as Torres and Chakotay rematerialized. The EMH had administered an inoculation to neutralize the effects of the thoron gas thus allowing Torres and Chakotay to deactivate the force field and disappear in the confusion.
Kathryn, on hearing the explosions, had headed to the door of her rooms and towards the sound. Some sense of responsibility drove her to investigate.
They found themselves underground in what appeared to be a research facility
Torres went right and Chakotay left search more effectively. Tricorder in hand, Chakotay entered what seemed to be a living area. As he turned down a hallway a door flew open and a woman ran out.
This was Kathryn Janeway; he would have known her anywhere, but they had changed her, modified her. Her hair had been replaced with the skull cap of short hair the Tisol wore. Her nose and mouth altered slightly elongated. Her eyes were still blue but no recognition shone within them. Even still this was Kathryn Janeway, his Captain. He could hear his inner voice screaming '*oh gods Kathryn what have they done to you?*.' But he was silent in his shock.
The black and red uniform was familiar. And something about this man's face, his eyes...
They stood while chaos rained around them precious seconds slipped away from them.
"Kathryn." Chakotay moved towards her. Torres came running around the corner.
"Come on! Come on! We have to go this way!" Torres barreled past Chakotay and Janeway; they remained motionless.
"You found her now let's go!" Torres was losing her grasp on control. She had her phaser drawn.
Chakotay grabbed at Janeway a little more tentatively then he had intended. He was intimidated and astonished at the changes.
Janeway snapped back with an aggressive expression crossing her face. Confused by her reaction, Chakotay grasped arm a bit more securely. He gently but firmly coaxed her forward. When she came within striking range more from instinct than intention her claws sprang and she tore at his face. Blood covered her hands, his face, and the front of his clothing. Her face was distorted by anger and horror. If it had been anyone else Chakotay would have exploded into a rage but this was Captain Janeway, Kathryn. He was motionless. Afterwards when it was all over Chakotay was never sure who had been more astonished at what she had done. His face burned from the jagged tears, astonishment was rapidly replaced with pain. The claws had been razor sharp and she had applied amazing force. Torres was the only one who reacted properly. She stunned Janeway with her phaser. Gathering the captain in his arms Chakotay sprinted after Torres and into the escape route that they had planned.
"Now!" Chakotay screamed as the force field fell.
*****
Ensign Wildman gasped when she saw the commander and the captain materialize in the transporter room. She was well trained and knew better then to overreact in an emergency situation, but even so this was frightening. The commander's face was covered in blood and the captain had been transformed. How? Why? Questions flashed across her mind. Regaining her composure she followed Torres's order to beam them to sick bay.
*****
"Commander, you have to calm down long enough for me to treat your wounds." For a third time, Tom Paris tried to run a dermal regenerator across Chakotay's face with little or no success. Paris dropped his hands to his sides. "I give up! I will go check on her."
Paris disappeared behind the privacy screen that the Doctor had erected while he worked on the captain. Standing to the Doctor's right Tom observed the captain. Her small frame was dwarfed by the diagnostic bed. The Tisol clothing had been replaced with a medical gown. The Doctor had begun the repairing the alterations to her face and hands. Her own hair was back but painfully short, almost a crew cut. She was still unconscious.
"Yes Paris?" The Doctors tone was acidic.
"The commander wants a progress report," Paris answered.
"Still won't let you treat his wounds I see?" The Doctor observed the figure pacing on the other side of the sick bay.
"He is pretty upset, as agitated as Chakotay ever gets. One more attempt on my part and you will have three patients."
"Very well. Continue monitoring the captain and inform me of any changes." The Doctor joined Chakotay.
"Stand still Commander!" The Doctor ordered when he reached Chakotay's side. The startled look on Chakotay's face proved that the Doctors technique, though crude, was effective. Firmly grabbing his patient's face, the Doctor ran the regenerator over the damaged skin. "Would you like something for the pain?" Chakotay shook his head in the negative.
'How is she? Will she be okay? Can you get her back?' all shot through his mind at the same time but he was unable to get the words out. Seeing the struggle on the commander's face the Doctor came to his rescue.
"She is alive and her system is slowly returning to normal. I have started the process of returning her to her own physical form and her adapted DNA has been normalized. There is no long term physical damage." The intonation on physical damage concerned Chakotay. He waited for the other shoe to drop.
"Commander, they have delved into her mind. I am unsure as to the details of the procedures but I am finding indications of drug therapy, sensory deprivation therapy, behavior training and implanted memory syndrome. As far as I can tell they have induced complete amnesia. She hardly remembers her own name." The Doctor's pause made Chakotay release the breath that he had been holding. He let his body lean against the diagnostic bed. His face dark and worried he glanced back towards the screen.
"Will we get her back?"
"I am hopeful, Commander." All arrogance was absent from his tone.
"Bridge to Commander Chakotay we have a situation." Tuvok's voice sounded urgent.
Before Chakotay could answer the hail the whole ship shook from the impact of weapons fire.
Paris appeared from behind the screen and he and Chakotay sprinted to the doorway.
*****
Chakotay and Paris rushed out of the turbo lift as another volley of fire rocked the ship. Hamilton swiftly vacated the helm, allowing Tom to take over. Tuvok quickly moved to tactical relieving Ayala. Chakotay stood forward close behind Paris. The ship once more rolled throwing Chakotay into the captain's chair. The significance of the moment was not lost on Chakotay.
"Status!" he barked over the clang of the red alert.
"Shields holding at 95%, minimal damage on desk 3 and 14, no injuries," Kim shot back.
"Tisol vehicles have considerable weapons power but inferior maneuverability and limited range," Tuvok added.
"Hail them," Chakotay hissed over his shoulder.
The image of Ambassador Mias appeared before them. Chakotay grimaced.
"We demand that you return the citizen of Tisol that you have abducted." Her voice was ragged, almost desperate. "Ask her if she wants to return. For the sake of our race she will want to come home."
"The opinion of someone who has been physically and mentally manipulated would hardly be the basis of my decision, Ambassador. I have no intention of returning Kathryn Janeway to you. She belongs to this ship and to these people and you will not get her back." Turning his back on the screen but keeping the link open, Chakotay glared at Tuvok.
"Commander, initiate Alpha Walker Nine." Tuvok raised one eyebrow and started the Maquis maneuver.
"Paris!" Chakotay barked.
Paris set a collision course at the center Tisol vessel and accelerated at an alarming rate until the last possible second when they dropped down came about and fired rear phasers at two of the three ships.
"You will find that you no longer have propulsion or tactical defense," Chakotay said, stone-faced, to Mias as the Tisol spun into a panic around her. Mias was unnaturally calm amongst the confusion.
"You may have just signed the death warrant for my race." Her voice was a cool hiss.
"I don't give a damn!"
*****
Kathryn was dreaming, tossing and turning in a restless sleep.
"Who are you?" Endless questions, questions
"Kathryn of Tisol." Answers, answers - the wrong ones.
"No wrong. Kathryn Janeway, my name is Kathryn Janeway."
"Where are you from?"
"Earth."
"No Tisol."
Eyes open, face drenched, she tried to remember the dream she had just had but unable to, she fell back into a fitful sleep.
*****
Kathryn woke up confused, angry, afraid.
"Where am I?" she whispered.
This wasn't the medical lab were she worked. This place was sparse, technical, cold. She was dressed in unfamiliar clothing lying on a examination bed. The lights were off but she could clearly see the small enclosed room and the multi of devises surrounding her. Struggling she sat up, and swung her legs to the edge of the bed. Stopped by a wave of nausea, she closed her eyes to regain her equilibrium and found herself awash in panic. Her heart started to race, her face became flushed, her breathing swelled in her chest and her throat tightened until she had to open her mouth and struggle for a breath. Adrenaline coursed through her body and the room began to spin.
Vaguely she heard voices and footsteps as she saw herself crumble. As she slipped back into that quiet warm sleep she felt arms, familiar arms, surround her. Then all went dark once more.
Chakotay lifted the body of his captain carefully back on to the biobed. His face was a mask of stone. Despite his holographic status, the Doctor winced when that look was leveled at him.
"She has experienced an anxiety attack, quite an intense one but manageable. I hesitate to give her any drugs considering the plethora of stimulants and psychotropic substances that have been applied to her system. Her body's natural defenses seem to have compensated and allowed her to sleep."
"What now?" His voice was grim, deep in his chest. His large hand covered hers, his thumb rubbing slowly along the back of her hand and wrist. It was a touch of compassion and concern.
"A more familiar environment might be helpful. The captain has never been a big fan of sick bay." This made Chakotay smile slightly. "Perhaps if she was ensconced in her own quarters she would be less anxious. But she can't be left unattended for more than a few moments. We are unsure of the extent of the memory loss and the physiological manipulation. If she does become frantic, I would recommend that she be sedated, at least in the short term.." He handed Chakotay a hypo spray "She needs at least 48 hours rest. And then we may well have to retrieve her. Constant supervision exposure to familiar places and ideas. You will have to stimulate her memory with stories and her logs. Help her distinguish between her real memories and the implanted ones."
Chakotay interrupted the EMH.
"Considering Tisol attitudes towards men perhaps I am not the best choice for the job," he said rubbing his newly healed cheek.
"Actually, Commander, I think that you are the perfect choice for this job. The captain requires someone to challenge the Tisol attitudes. In addition to this whom else would you suggest? An ensign, Mr. Kim perhaps? Captain Janeway will need someone who will be able to deal with rage, depression, fear, anxiety. You and the captain have a effective command relationship. It may well survive this assault." Chakotay looked at him skeptically. "I believe that your personal relationship may also be challenged but I have faith that you will be successful."
*****
Kathryn awoke, this time wrapped in a warm blanket soft light familiar smells. Home. She closed her eyes again a sigh escaping her lips.
"I see you are awake." The voice was warm, intimate, familiar. In her half sleep she recognized it and moved towards it. A hand reached out and stroked her cheek. A warm male hand.
Kathryn came to full awareness her eyes meeting Chakotay. Pulling back frantically she hunched back in the bed blankets pulled to her chest.
Chakotay watched as his captain changed back into a stranger. Unconsciously he touched his face where she had cut him the day before.
"Who are you? What do you want?" she demanded looking around in panic realizing that she was not on Tisol. But how could everything seem so vaguely familiar?
"I am Commander Chakotay." He paused. "And you are Kathryn Janeway."
She watched him as he stood beside the bed dressed in black and red this too familiar. Dark eyes dark face. He smiled slightly as he watched her face. That smile, she knew this man he was important to her. Images rushed over her half forgotten, interfered with memories like a fitful dream. She raised her ands to her face to help clear her mind.
She stopped cold frozen in place. This wasn't right she was altered. He had altered her, this man!
"What have you done to me?" Her voice was hysterical. She struggled to fight for control.
"I am Kathryn of Tisol. Take me back! I have urgent research to continue. It is a matter of life and death for my people." All of the determination and passion that defined Kathryn Janeway was in tact in this voice.
Chakotay watched feeling both horror and admiration. Horror at what had been done to her and admiration that she could struggle through what must have been terror to complete her mission even if it was a implanted one.
"You are Kathryn Janeway of the Star ship Voyager. You were captured by the Tisol and genetically surgically and psychologically altered. We have repaired the genetic and surgical damage but it will take sometime to reverse the physiological tampering." He moved slowly without threat towards her and kneeled at her side a meter separating them.
"Kathryn, I will get you back I promise." He took the hypospray out of his pocket and injected her struggling form.
As she lost consciousness she once more found herself in his arms.
*****
For two days Kathryn slept, ate and paced the quarters that she had been given, the quarters that Chakotay had told her were her own. There was familiarity here, the clothing in the dressers and closet fit her. The books on the shelves and the holo images interested her; some of the images included her own image. The food that she ate was palatable and he knew her. Chakotay seemed to know everything about her. She found this worrisome. She wondered if this wasn't all some elaborate ruse. And if it was to what end?
He was with her every moment. He ate with her, slept on her couch, resided in what were suppose to be her quarters. He listened when she raged at him. And she did rage.
He was silent, not reacting, absorbing every word, the angry as well as the sad.
And he spoke. Whispered really, she had to be still to hear his words. He spoke of the ship. This beautiful gleaming jewel in space that he told her she loved. He spoke of her crew, their names, where they were from, who they were becoming. He spoke of her home, of his home, of Starfleet, of Maquis. He told her about her family
That day she cried. Silent tears rained down her face.
"I don't remember." The words painful in her throat. Chakotay was patient. He had waited 48 hours for these words. She needed to remember and he would help her. But he couldn't fight her for it. She would have to want to take this journey.
"I will help you Kathryn." He came and sat beside her. She had moved to the floor as he spoke of her family. As if being closer to the floor her body rolled into a ball would help push out the confusion and clear her mind.
"I can't tell what is real and what isn't." She stopped speaking and looked towards the starscape "In my mind ,I hear words and hear voices they tell me who I am. Kathryn of Tisol born in Belout province child of D'Lma. I see images of a Tisol child holding a woman's hand. I remember conversations that I have had, books that I have read. Places that I have been. They look and sound real." She began to rock her body very very softly at first just slightly but them it became more rhythmic. Eyes closed, concentration on her face.
"But you tell me they are not real, that they are planted. But how can they be so real, so tangible?"
Chakotay had moved to the replicator and ordered hot coffee. Moving back to her he watched as she continued to rock herself for a moment longer.
"Kathryn, I want you to do something for me. No keep your eyes closed." She slowed her movement until she came to a stop. She was unsure even frightened.
"On Tisol what was your favorite thing to drink?"
"I don't know. Water I guess. I have never thought about it." Confusion framed her face. Her eyes started to flutter open.
"Keep your eyes closed." He paused and waited. "Please." He touched her arm to calm her. This was the first time she had let him touch her with out the slight inadvertent shutter of revulsion.
"Smell this." He lifted the coffee to her face. As she inhaled, a small smile slipped on to her lips. "Taste it but be careful as it is hot." He brought the cup to her lips.
"Oh coffee!" Her eyes flew open triumphant and thrilled. A radiant smile on her lips.
"I beat the Borg with coffee." She took a long draw on the cup, the bitter liquid flowing down her throat, her heart pounding. "What does that mean? Who are the Borg?" The smile was confounded with confusion.
"We will talk about that later. We have some exploring to do. Your implanted memory seem to be based in only two senses. We may have to get you to taste and touch things to help you separate what is real and what is not." Chakotay reached out his hand to help her to her feet. On instinct she pushed away his hand.
Seeing the reaction on his face she apologised.
"I am sorry but Tisol women find men inferior. They require very little from them and think even less of them. I know you think it is wrong but it will take me some time to become comfortable with men in an equal role." Her words were kind but firm.
Chakotay had seen glimpse of his Kathryn Janeway and was grateful for her presence. But they had a very long road to go.
*****
"Kathryn."
Chakotay stood beside her bed. He had called the lights to twenty five percent. Her sleeping form was rolled into a ball in the center of the bed with the blanket clutched to her chest. He watched the slow movement of her breathing, her eyes moving rapidly under closed lids. She was dreaming peacefully for the first time since her return. He hated to wake her but he was needed on the bridge and he didn't want her to wake to a stranger. A stranger. A whole crew to whom four years ago he and his Maquis were strangers. Now for her, they were all strangers with the possible exception of him.
She was opening up to him. She had accepted that she wasn't Tisol, that she was human, but this work was exhausting. He was relieved when Tuvok had required his presence on the bridge. The matter was not urgent but it was important. For Kathryn, the safety of her cabin was necessary but for him it was stifling. When she slept he would escape to his own quarters so he could shower and change clothing. He left the comm link between the cabins open so he could hear her. For an instant, he understood why new parents checked and rechecked their infant's breathing. He had continued to work with data pads piling up as he took on her workload and shifted his own on to Tuvok. Thankfully there were no emergencies or important missions.
Returning his thought to the task at hand, he stroked the hair away from her face.
"Kathryn," he repeated.
She turned her face into his palm, a smile graced her lips. She was dreaming. How many times had he pushed away images just like the one before him? The direction of fate seemed very unfair to him this night. Telling himself he was only trying to gently wake her, Chakotay knelt beside her bed leaning forward. Stroking her face, her arms he soon found himself virtually lying across her bed. Her sleeping form molding it self into his arms. Her smile increased with each touch, her eye movement more rapid.
"Chakotay," she whispered.
He had promised himself that he wouldn't take advantage of her. He had promised to help her, not seduce her in her sleep. And here he was, putting a soft lingering kiss on her lips and she responded. He pulled away guilt flooding him. This couldn't happen, not right now, not when she was so fragile. 'Thank the gods Tom Paris will be here in five minutes.' Turning away, he called the lights to fifty percent and stood closer to the door.
"Kathryn," he called firmly her eyes fluttered open. She smiled as she recognized where she was. "Sorry to wake you. Pleasant dreams?" He hadn't meant to ask that question.
Kathryn's face changed. She smiled blushed and looked embarrassed all at the same time. This was new to him- she had always been emotionally reserved.
"Yes, thank you," she answered through the awkward moment.
"I have been called away." Her smile began to fade with panic taking its place. "I will be back in two hours. Paris, Tom Paris, the medic will be in the outer room if you need any thing."
Kathryn had moved to the now familiar defense position blanket clutched to her chest. As he exited her quarters Chakotay decided that she was becoming too dependent, a rather unJaneway-like behavior. Tomorrow part two of his plan would commence.
*****
Paris sat, stiff backed, in a chair in the captain's quarters. This was the most uncomfortable position that he had ever been in. As Medic, he knew details about the captain's condition that were not common knowledge. He also knew that the captain was far from being herself.
As Kathryn watched Chakotay leave her cabin, a slight feeling of dread came over her. She had accepted that some of what she remembered was false. That she was not Tisol but human. In spite of this belief she was unsure of who Kathryn Janeway was and how she would react. Tom Paris, she searched through the long list of crew members that she and Chakotay had discussed. Pilot, human male, Lieutenant, Medic, involved with a half-Klingon crewmember. 'Details, details. I will never remember all the pieces of this puzzle!'
Time to face her crew. Dressing in comfortable trousers and a shirt, Janeway looked at herself in the mirror. 'It really should have been a uniform' jumped to her mind but she wasn't ready for that hurdle, yet.
"Captain." Paris scrambled to his feet as she entered the room. "Is there something wrong?" His face was in a panic.
"No, not at all I thought I would just have a cup of coffee." Being called Captain seemed right somehow. There was an awkward silence when she realized the she expected him to get the coffee for her. This was the Tisol attitude that men served women.
"Would you like something?" She almost choked on the words. Annoyance flooded over her. This was a man and men were of no relevance. An internal battle raged within her. The Tisol attitudes had been deeply ingrained but her human ones were still intact and beginning to reassert themselves. Her impulse was to leave to get as far away from this intolerable situation as possible. She started to walk towards the door.
Paris watched her progress when it dawned on him that she was leaving.
"I am sorry, Captain. I'm under orders, the Commander's orders, that you are not to leave your quarters."
She turned on him.
"What did you say?" Her voice was aggressive. She took a step towards him, threatening, all division between Tisol and human gone. "Orders! How dare you speak to me of orders? Get out of my way, man!" Tom despite the almost ridiculous difference in size, sank back away from her, physically intimated by her.
"I will go anywhere and do anything I want. I take orders from no man. Not you or Commander Chakotay." As Tom stood in front of the doorway, she raised a hand to push past him.
"No," he said. Tapping his comm badge, he hailed sickbay.
"Paris to sickbay. Doc, I think we need you."
The EMH materialized beside Tom, transported from sickbay. The suddenness of the EMH's arrival startled Janeway and she stepped back. Her jaw was clenched and her adrenaline was pumping. She stalked the room.
"What did you do to her, Paris?" the EMH demanded.
"Nothing!"
Janeway picked up a vase from a table and hurled it across the room, smashing it against a wall. Both men stood riveted. She paced some more, searching, and books, cups, anything in her path, was hurled away.
"Captain, stop I am going to have to sedate you."
"No more drugs! I have to get out of here. I feel like I am losing my mind."
"Mr. Paris," the Doctor motioned. They circled around her until they had cornered her against the bulkhead. Hypospray in hand, the doctor advanced on her. Trapped like a caged animal, Kathryn fought back.
"What the hell is going on?" Chakotay stood in the doorway. The two men backed away from the captain. Kathryn slumped against the wall, relieved.
On the far side of the room, the men spoke in hushed tones. Chakotay listened intently. Paris was animated, worried. After a few moments, Chakotay took the hypospray out of the Doctor's hands and ushered them from the room. Kathryn was once more rolled into a ball, rocking quietly against the wall.
Chakotay sat down beside her.
"Rough night?" There was a small smile in his voice.
"You could say that," was her reply. They sat without words.
"What happened?" he asked finally, breaking the stillness.
"I'm not sure." A long pause. "I just needed to leave and Paris started to talk about orders and I lost control. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to hit you. I wanted to run as far away as possible and become myself again." Her body relaxed somewhat, the ball less tight. He moved closer. They sat in silence. He reached out his hand and she grasped on to it, like a safety line pulling her back.
"Chakotay?" she whispered
"Yes?"
"I think there is something I am missing here." They moved together until she sat in the bend of his arm. Her head was on his shoulder, his face in her hair, his other hand in hers. They sat without moving, their minds racing while unasked and unanswered questions hung in the air.
"Why did I react to Paris so aggressively and not to you? I treated him the way all Tisol women treat Tisol men. With contempt and aggression. I felt nauseous when I had to deal with him."
"You were conditioned to react like that, Kathryn. We can break the cycle but it will take time to unlearn what they modified and sort through the memories." He pointedly didn't answer her questions regarding her reaction to him.
"Tell me about us?" she asked, her voice loud in her ears, but merely a whisper to him. "What do we mean to one another?"
Chakotay was at a loss for words. It took every ounce of self restraint not to her everything that he wanted for them. That would be would be unforgivable.
"You are my Captain. I am your First Officer and we are friends." It was simple, true. He closed his eyes and inhaled, lost for a moment in her presence.
'Then why do I love you,' she thought.
******
"First lesson, Captain Janeway."
Chakotay rather grandly opened the door from her quarters into the corridors.
Kathryn Janeway, complete with uniform and comm badge, stepped out of her quarters and into her life. The plan was simple. They would walk the ship and stop in for breakfast in the mess hall.
"Captain Janeway, how lovely to see you!" Neelix in his overly enthusiastic manner approached Kathryn has she entered the mess hall. Chakotay had followed her through the doorway but had made him self scarce.
'Baptism by fire,' Kathryn thought as the bustling Talaxian invaded her personal space. 'Ah, but at least I am sure who Neelix is.' She gave a slight smile. She had just gotten Ensign Ayala and Ensign Harris confused and been slightly embarrassed. Chakotay, of course, has slipped in and saved the day. She glanced over at him.
He stood near the viewport, leaning in repose against the bulkhead. A smile graced his lips, not the full fledged smile he displayed when they were alone, but another one. A more public one! When he realized that she was watching him he caught her eye and for an instant she saw an intimate look that thrilled her but it disappeared as the reality of the mess came over her. Food, the smells and tastes of it would surely bring images and memories of the past.
Neelix had flooded the table that he lead her to with tiny plates morsels of food from the Delta Quadrant. Once she was seated, Chakotay joined her.
"We know that taste and smell were not implanted for you! So Neelix has recreated every food he has ever observed you enjoying in the Delta Quadrant. Bon Appetite!"
"I think it is just another one of your ways to get me to eat, Commander," she said with a smile and a chuckle.
"*That* you remember," he said, plucking a morsel of food from her plate.
*****
Janeway walked the perimeter of the astrometrics lab, examining surfaces, consoles, and interfaces. With eyes and hands, she digested the space. Chakotay stood in the doorway, hoping to fade into the background. He knew that this lab meant a great deal to her. It was the triumphant use of technology and science. The window that had joined them, her, if only for a moment, to the Alpha Quadrant. As she walked she seemed to make connections, more faces, places, more pieces fitting together in the fragile puzzle of her memory. Her face went pale and confusion clouded her features. She turned to him.
"We had a fight." It was a statement. A glimpse of the determined, immovable Janeway flickered across her face.
Chakotay crossed the room and stood beside her. His face was passive but his body showed the stress of his own memory overcoming him.
"Yes." Simple, true.
"You defied my orders. You left me alone." Her face had a stricken look that Captain Janeway never revealed to him.
"Yes, I defied your orders." He put his hands over hers; they were shaking. "But you were never alone." They stood for a very long time.
"I only remember the fight, that I was injured, that we managed to agree long enough to defeat the Borg." The word Borg rolled awkward off her tongue. Borg had yet to return full force to her.
"Yes." Again simple. He released her hands, a small smile at the edge of his lips.
"We have fought before, Kathryn, and no doubt we will fight again. It is part of who we are. It makes us stronger after we have healed the wounds."
Kathryn watched him as he walked towards the viewscreen. She wondered if some memories would be best forgotten.
The tour had been like walking through a living photo album. Small moments of familiarity turned into full blown memories. The mess hall brought on remembrances of celebrations, Tuvok's promotion, Prixin holidays, and working meals with Chakotay. Engineering brought puzzles and worries, struggles over warp cores. Astrometrics gave her memories of messages from home. 7 of 9 took shape as a person, B'Elanna, Tom, Harry ... discussion, moments, faces, incidences, appeared like pieces of a puzzle.
They approached the bridge.
"Halt lift," Janeway said before the doors opened.
'I can't go on the bridge today. Not like this, not today. I will try again tomorrow or next week.' She made the decision and then looked over at Chakotay.
"Are you backing out on our deal?" His voice was soft, teasing.
"And if I am?" Her voice was in control regardless of her fears.
"I could pick you up and carry you onto the bridge. But what do you think Tuvok would say about that?" Chakotay was deadly serious but his eyes gleamed with mischief
Kathryn was totally shocked and disarmed by his words.
"Resume," she called, battling down her anxiety. She smiled as the door opened, he placed the his hand on the small of her back and they crossed the last threshold.
An hour later in her quarters, alone for the first time since returning to Voyager, Kathryn Janeway assessed what she knew.
Her name was Kathryn Janeway and she was the Captain of Voyager. Her life, was like a huge, unfinished jigsaw puzzle spread before her. Some pieces were amazingly clear. She could remember them as if they had happened only this morning. Other pieces were vague but she knew that memory functioned that way. It wasn't that these memories were lost; they were probably as clear as they were before the alterations. But some areas, some crucial areas, were blank, lifeless, terrifying.
This day had been a battle. A battle against her fear, her mind, against the repulsive attitudes that the Tisol had inflicted on her. She couldn't take one more thing. She couldn't take in one more thing. She felt as if one more memory, one more image flowed over her she would overflow and her life would spill away from her.
She had asked Chakotay to give her some time alone. He had agreed hesitantly. She almost had to push him from her doorway. Chakotay was one of these blank pieces in her puzzle.
A shower seemed the logical next step to wash away some of the struggle. Despite the hot water she began to shiver. Her heart began to pound. her breathing became erratic.
"Oh, not now!"
Her comm badge was on the other side of the room. Panic crept over her. Her legs shook. She sat down in the stream of water. The room around her began to spin and pound.
"Oh god, Chakotay," she whispered, unable to find her voice. The Doctor had discussed with her the possibilities of panic attacks as her memory returned. She struggled to control the panic. "All the years, all the months all the weeks, all the days, all the hours, all the minutes, all the seconds, all the instants of fear and uncertainty are washed away from my body and my mind," she repeated the word of the refrain that the EMH had taught her to gain control when the attacks hit. It had worked before but not this time. It was too much too fast and too detailed. It overtook her.
Her life came back with a rush and a roar and she was swept away. Her Father, Justin, Wolf 359, Voyager lost, Caretaker destroyed, Seska, the Kazon, the Vidians, the Borg, the pain and the panic of the Delta quadrant all came back and drowned her.
That was how Chakotay found her, an hour later, huddled in a tight ball on the floor of the shower. He wrapped her in a towel and lead her to her bed. Then he pulled her into his arms he held her until morning.
"I remember my life." She was awake but her eyes remained closed. "I am not sure if I can live with it. All the pain, all the fear, all the rage. The pieces of the puzzle are back and I am very angry." She sat up, pushing his arms away from her. She clutched the towel to her body. She shook with the rage.
She disappeared into the washroom. She came back into the room dressed but not in uniform. This was another stage the Doctor had predicted. The EMH had said that the sudden recovery of large amounts of memory could take many forms. For some it was jubilation followed by overwhelming depression. Especially when negative memories were retrieved on mass. For others it could be fear that the memories would slip away leaving them alone again. But for Kathryn it was anger. She had her memory back and now she would have to learn to live with her life. She needed to find herself she need to heal.
'Where do you begin when you have to help someone find themselves,' he thought.
Then he knew the answer to her pain and her anger: sweat lodge.
He had made many plans and holographs over the years. Started and unfinished, finished and unused, the right time never presenting itself.
"Kathryn." There was no answer. "Kathryn," he repeated she turned to his voice.
"I have a suggestion something that may help you. Do you remember me talking about sweat lodge?" She nodded, not trusting her own voice. "I have designed one for the holodeck. It is a very intense and personal experience but one to be shared." His question hung between them. He moved to touch her arm. He ignored the flinch of muscle under clothing.
"Sweat lodge is a Cherokee tradition but many native and non native people embrace it. It has changed and adapted over the centuries but it is about balancing our natures. Sweat lodge is an attempt to bring together the higher and lower nature of humanity. We are all capable of great kindness, patience, and love. Our higher nature. We are also capable of anger, greed, and hate. Our lower nature. One cannot function without the other but when they are out of balance we are lost. The higher nature and lower nature must merge. The mental, physical and emotional body must be cleansed. Embrace the higher nature and the lower nature of your soul and rediscover your peace." He watched her face hoping for a clue.
"Do you think it will work?" she asked softly.
"It has worked for thousands of years. I certainly hope it will this time."
*****
Chakotay scanned the deck until his eyes rested on the structure in the center of a stand of tall trees. The stand of trees he recognized as native to New Earth and the structure perfectly recreated from the plans that he had designed. It stood five feet in the center and was shaped like a half circle. The outer walls were covered in several centimeters of tree bark tied down with woven willow rope anchored to the ground with wooden pegs. The base of the lodge was banked up with rocks and soil to eliminate any loss of heat. The top of the lodge had a small opening to allow smoke to exit. Inside, the willow poles formed the skeleton of the lodge. On the dirt floor were several tanned deer skins hides. In the center of the lodge, an intensely hot fire burned white hot among a ring of large flat rocks. A pail of water with a ladle and a supply of wood sat close by. Chakotay put down his spirit bundle and walked from the lodge.
"All we need now is some sage and we can begin," he said, opening the flap on the lodge for her inspection.
"Feels like a sauna in there," she said smiling slightly.
"That's the general idea."
They sat side by side with the steaming rocks before them. Chakotay was dressed in workout shorts, his legs fold beneath him. He chanted the words of his prayer. He waved a bundle of sage tied with a red cord over the steaming rocks.
Kathryn was dressed in a similar fashion with a sleeveless shirt. She listened to the sounds of the words, deep sounds, thick and rich but somehow fitting. She watched Chakotay's mouth as he spoke. The words tumbled out of his mouth, the steam filled her senses, the touch of it on her skin, the smell in her noise, the hiss of the water on hot stones, the taste of it on her lips. She let her eyes fall closed, let her mind slip away. For the first time in a long time, she stopped struggling. She stopped fighting the anger and the pain, the panic and the despair.
"Smoke will carry your prayers." Chakotay's voice drifted over her mind. Her eyes closed, her hair flat against her head. How long since she had closed her eyes? "Kathryn." He touched her lips with a deep wooden spoon full of water. Greedily, she drank it down. A wave of nausea flowed over her. "It's okay. It is just the heat it will pass."
"I should get out." Her voice was faint.
"No, just wait a moment longer. Have some more water. Breathe slowly." His hands stroked her face. She leaned into him. The sweat from his skin on her face on her lips. "Kathryn, lie down, close your eyes let the vision take you."
She lay down with Chakotay at her side, wiping the sweat from her face with his hands. The sounds of the chant rocked her. She slipped away.
Kathryn found herself alone in a vast, dark place, an empty place. Waves and waves of emotions assaulted her. First, grief and loss rolled over her threatening her with oblivion. Greed, greed to hold what was hers close to her. Voyager, her crew, her dream to get home, her solitude. Finally rage boiled up from with in her. The colour of fire consumed and destroyed her, leaving her charred and broken. Rage at the Tisol, Kazon, Borg, Caretaker, Starfleet and herself.
Suddenly she found herself surrounded by light- brilliant, blinding light. More emotions, these ones just as strong, just as intense but longed for and cherished. The tenderness of a parent, the face of a beloved dog, the patience of a friend.
She felt the feelings of kindness given and received. The warm glow of friendship and acceptance.
The final feeling came like a caress. The warmth of childhood, the unconditional acceptance and love. The knowing gaze of parents and grandparents. The passion of a lover's touch. The gracefulness of making love with someone she loved. And suddenly it was gone, the darkness and the light, and she found herself amongst grass.
Grass, hectares and hectares of grass, green lush rolling gently over hills. Sky the colour of her eyes, wave after wave of grass blowing in the wind. Endless. She walked bare foot in rich soil, warm sun on her face and skin. Fingertips caressing the grass. Every sense alert.
"Where are we?" she asked, Chakotay at her side.
"Within you. This is where your higher nature and lower nature meet. Peace, Kathryn, peace."
*****
Kathryn Janeway attended her first full duty shift. She was exhilarated and exhausted. Her crew greeted her with open arms. Her bridge was once more her own. It was good to be home.
"May I walk you to your quarters?" Chakotay whispered in her ear, as they walked off the bridge.
"Please do." Silently they walked to her door, his hand on the small of her back. A familiar caress a little bolder than was usual. At her door, he didn't wait to be asked in. He just let the door side closed behind him.
No words, just familiarly. It seemed only natural that he would come into her quarters. Natural that she would disappear into her bedroom and return out of uniform wrapped in a simple robe. He sat down, kicked off his boots, unzipped his jacket. Dinner was ordered and consumed. Small talk, reflections.
"Well, Commander." Janeway's voice was full of humor. "That will be about the end of our life of luxury. We must be out of medical rations by now." She took their dishes to the recycler. He smiled as she served them both tea.
"I suppose that we will have to give up dining on replicated food in the privacy of your quarters."
"One would guess." There was a hint of regret in her voice. She settled on the couch wrapped up tight in a ball. It was the position of her recovery and it worried him. She seemed to be struggling once more.
"Kathryn?" Chakotay moved towards her one hand smoothing the hair from her face, the other running the length of her arm from the shoulder to her arm. "Was it too much too soon? A full bridge shift, perhaps we should have..."
With the touch of her fingertips to his lips she quieted him. Her thumb caressed the underside of his chin briefly then she moved her hand away. Self conscious, he wet his lips where she had touched him. Unsure of how to proceed, he waited. Slowly, she moved herself into the now familiar bend in his arm, her back to him. They sat that way for some time.
Awkward, unsure, he read her body language. Her shoulders where tense and sore. He positioned himself to kneed her shoulders, running his hands from collar bone to shoulder blade. His hands were tentative at first proceeding from gentle and finally to deep massage loosening the tension of the day.
"Your mother was right," Kathryn said her eyes closed, her neck relaxed.
"Pardon?" he asked quietly puzzled.
"You once told me that you were the only one she trusted to do this." She rolled her head brushing, seductively against him. He realized that he was holding his breath, letting it out slowly he watched her face. He saw peace in the set of her jaw, the curve of her neck, the slight raise of her chest. His eyes traveled down the line of her robe. He remembered the frail beauty of her when he found her naked in the shower. He stopped massaging her shoulders and dragged his eyes away from her.
"Chakotay, when you were helping me come back to become myself why didn't you..." She didn't continue her question. She turned to face him.
"I have been reliving our time together. Do you still feel the way you did when we were on New Earth?" Her tone was frank but kind.
"Yes," he answered simply.
"You could have told me anything when I came back. You could have claimed me as your own but you didn't. Why?" Her tone was neutral.
"Because it isn't the truth. I love you but I couldn't manipulate your mind the way the Tisol did. It would be unforgivable." Unsure of his emotions ,unsure what she was asking, Chakotay stared at his hands. He didn't see the small smile on her face or the tenderness in her eyes.
"I asked you once to tell me about us and your answer was that I was your captain and your friend." Kathryn touched his chin, pulling up so her eyes meet his. "I had another question but I was afraid in case I didn't like the answer." She ran her hand along his jaw, brushing his ear with her knuckles.
"What was the question?" He wasn't sure if he had actually spoken.
"My question was if we are only captain and first officer, friends... then why do I love you?"
Kathryn took his hand and led him to her bed. She was unsure of how to proceed, how to behave, uncertain of the wisdom of her actions. Her intentions on the other hand were crystal clear. She wanted Chakotay, mind and body. The turn of his lips the texture of his hair, the deep brown of his eyes drew her. Images of other men who had loved her or she had loved fled as she felt his hand in her own. When they reached her bedroom, he stopped, providing just enough resistance to transfer the unspoken question.
He needed to know that this wasn't out of some sense of obligation. He would not come to her bed out of her gratitude.
The look in her eyes told him that longing and passion were more present than thanks.
She pulled gently almost carefully at his uniform. Dropping the discarded reds and blacks to the floor, to lie in a tangled heap. His comm badge was amongst the clothing forgotten, for the moment, like their roles on Voyager. The curve of his shoulder, the sculpted muscle of a forearm and biceps.
Kathryn ran her fingertips over the smooth hairless skin. Warm, dark skin a foil for her own cool pale hands. She watched his struggle not to react, to wait and let her take charge. In much the same way, she was taking charge of Voyager and regaining her independence, throwing aside the coverings of dependence that frightened him.
As her hands stroked down his chest and brushed his nipples his eyes closed and satisfaction crept into his expression. A low hum escaped his throat as her arms circled his waist and her breath warm on his chest. His arousal was now evident.
No words, only touch and taste the unaffected senses. Kathryn soothed his body with hers. Making love slowly and carefully, her hands and mouth easing away his pain and fear as he had soothed away hers. Legs tangled, arms wrapped, rocking bodies joined in passion. It wasn't the thrilling sex of twenty year olds. It was passionate and deeply satisfying. When Chakotay took his turn to please Kathryn, he proved to be a lover in the same manner that he was a man. Kind, gentle and inventive. He paid amazing attention to detail. He examined Kathryn's body like a work of art. Exploring the mysteries of her, enraptured in her reactions, taking great pleasure and perhaps a touch of pride in how he could create tension in one moment and release in the next. The first time, their first time, left them asleep in each others arms, a lover's embrace.
Kathryn Janeway awoke from sleep, slowly stretching her body long across her bed. As she woke, a delicious sensation flowed over her. Naked swaddled in sheets rested and deeply satisfied. The memory of her lovemaking with Chakotay replayed itself in her mind. A grin engulfed her face as she struggled out of bed. On bare feet, wrapped in the sheets that held his scent, she went to find him.
On the floor in her living room sat Chakotay, shirtless in a meditative pose with his medicine bundle spread around him. She watched in fascination, his chest rising in a steady rhythm, his face serene. She couldn't keep her eyes off his body, strong, beautiful the body of a man. Muscle and bone, time and age strengthening its appeal not lessening it. Suddenly she found that she was now the one being observed.
She smiled shyly, caught in her appraisal. A slight over- confident look in his eye, a grin on his face.
She walked towards him, sheets pulled tighter, suddenly conscious of how this all appeared.
He drew her to him with a single fluid motion
"Did you enjoy yourself last night, Captain Janeway?" His face pushed into her neck. He felt the heat of her blush creeping up her neck. She smiled, ignoring his question.
"What are you doing?" It was an innocent question.
"I am thanking my ancestors." His tone was suddenly serious. Forehead to forehead, Kathryn in his arms.
"Whatever for?"
"For you."
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