The Debate of the Century:
Bill Clinton vs. Kenneth Starr
This Debate is via. video conference,and is exclusvie to this web site!
Round one: Nov. 10 1998
"I will by a perponderance of evidence (i.e. my highly detailed, explicit, intrusive, and extensive report of the misconduct of one Mr. Bill Clinton and a Monika Lewinski.) that the president is guilty of adultry, and perjury. And I will also provide reasons for his prompt removal ........."
"Hey baby, how's it goin'? Yeah man I'm the King uh-huh! Thank ya Thank ya very much."
"Get that wig off your head! and be serious for ten minutes!"
"I did not have sexual relations with that girl."
"But you already admitted that! So that proves that my report is right!"
"Well.......that is.........only a techincality....If that's how you're gonna be I'm going to Martha's Vinyard!"
"So now do you still deny the fact that you lied while under oath of a federal court and encouraged Ms. Lewinski to do the same?"
{no response}
"Hello?.....Are you still there?"
{no response}
"Coward! You can't run away from your problems! I will not go away! You here me?! You can't hide from KEN STARR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......... I'm adding this to my report.
Round two: Nov.12 1998
"Wow wee! That was some party! Those "fund raisers" do it to me every time!"
I see your back. Are you ready to face allegations of your abuse of executive privilege?......Is that a doobie in your mouth?"
"Huh? I dont know what you are talking about. Haven't you gone away yet?"
"No. Not until you answer my questions about your misconduct while in presidential office."
"Duhhh. Look at me I'm Kenneth Starr! I made a name for my self by attacking the president. I'm a jackass!"
"Stop that! Take off that mask! BE SERIOUS!!!!!! And how dare you insult me. And to my face!!!!!!!!!"
"What!? I never insulted you!"
"Yes you did just now!"
"Nooooo. That was you I saw it with my own eyes and he looked just like you."
"Shut up!"
"Naw! I'm just playin'. So what did you want to talk about?"
"I wanted you to adress the charges that you lied in a federal court while under oath."
"How can you think about impeachment hearings and scandals at a time like this? We gotta bomb Iraq!"
"No..you have more pressing domestic issues."
"NO NO! we gotta bomb them!"
"No we don't. We don't have to bomb any one , that is just a diversionary tatic."
{no response}
"Hello? Not again! GET BACK HERE!"
Round Three: Nov. 24 1998
"Now that the Iraqi crisis is semi undercontrol, I think you should answer some of my questions. First of all did you read my, explicit, multi-million page report, on the investigation?"
"Uuuhhhhh.....you filed a report? When was this?"
"Yes I filed a report!!!!!!!!! It contains explicit details of your sexual acitvies with Ms. Lewenski!, and is the basis of the accusations that you abused your executive privlage which is the cause for the impeachment hearings!!!!!"
"Woah woah WOAH!..We don't need to use that kind of language around here, I don't want to hear you use that word again!"
"What word?......impeachment?"
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! yes that word you babbling sack of shi...."
"ALRIGHT! It's Reno time!!!! O.k. you, Starr boy! The proper term is 'Removal from office' and I don't want you harrasing the President any more! You hear me?! or else you'll have to take it Reno style!!"
"Hey everybody, it's Janet Reno!!!!!"
"Hey! You can't threaten me! And besides you aren't involved in this investigation. That is why it is called an independant investigation! I'm running the show here!"
"Well not any more chump! It's Reno time now."
"Yeeee Haw!!! Sick it to him Janet!"
"Shut up Bill. It is for your own good."
"Yes."
"Yes what?"
"Yes Ma'am."
"This is madness. Can one of the gaurds have her removed?!"
"NOOOOOO!!! Unhand me you morons!! You cant do this to me I'm Janet Reno, Attorney General! nooooo, let me go!"
"Well I geuss I'll have to go and bail her out of prison! Bye."
"Damnit. Here we go again."
Round 4:Dec. 9 1998
"Well I'm glad I got that Janet Reno bailed out of jail, I'd hate to have to share a cell with her."
"The ......"
"Wow! would you look at the time! It is time for my trip to Israel. While I'm gone, the Vice President will speak for me."
"I am Vice President Al Gore. And I will be representing the President in this next round."
"What? No! I want to talk to the President!"
"That is not possible he is currently on a mission of peace to Israel, and he has authorized me to speak for him while he is gone."
"Fine! I've put up with all his other games so why not this one?"
"First of all I would like to say that the President's testimony may have been, incomplete, misleading, deceptive, and even maddening, but it was truthful."
"So that would mean then, that Bill was correct in saying that he "does not recall" if he had sexual relations with Ms. Lewinski?"
"Yes, the president was being truthful."
"Well then, was he lying in his nationally televised apology, in which he stated that he was wrong?"
"Ummm...I....don't excatly...know ....Bill never told me what to say if that question was asked."
"So basically you can only repeat what the president already said?"
"Yes that is correct."
"Well can you at least tell me the Presidents position on the impeachment hearings?"
"Umm..Yeah here's the thing, Bill only told me to say a few things which are about his testimony being misleading, but truthful, and 'that is correct', or 'that is incorrect'."
"You work with the president on a daily basis, and you don't even know what his position is?! What are you some sort of inbred moron?!"
"That is correct."
"Which part, the part about not knowing the presidents postion? or the part about you bieng an inbred moron?"
"Anyway, what is your oponion on the issue?"
"As the president's personal bitch, I have no oponion."
"Then why are you here?!!!! This is stupid! how does congress expect me to conduct this investigation when I cant talk to the president, and every one who has the authority to speak on his behalf is a slow witted retard."
"Uh..uh......Congress is a bunch of fat bastards!...uh.uh yeah that was funny!"
Round Five: Dec. 14 1998
"Well, well, look who it is everybody it's the President of the United States. Can we have this so-called debate now?"
"I would like to announce that through careful consideration, I am now prepared to accept a harshly worded censure."
"What?! NO! I will presonally see to it that you are impeached and removed from office, and then after that I will press criminal charges an see to it that you are locked up. FOR LIFE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!"
"That sounds like a threat to me."
"It is a threat, you stupid idiot! You are going down!"
"You can't threaten me! I'm the president."
"Well I just did. So what are you gonna do about it?"
"Actually, you should be worried what I'm going to do about it. As head of the secret service I am sworn to protect the president, and therefore I must now kick your ass."
"Get 'em boys!"
{Bahm! Pop! Ziff! Crunch! Kapow!}
"Hee Hee. That's what happens when you mess with the president."
"....uuhh...I....think I have cracked ribbs.....broken nose....fractured skull....must seek medical....attention."
"Hee Hee. Good job guys. I really liked the way you took his galsses, And then stomped on them! HaHa."
Round Six: Jan. 22 1999
"I would like to take this time to address the fine men and women of congress, with regard to the impeachment trial."
"What the hell do you crazy sons of bitiches think you are doin'? You cant impeach me! I'm like the 3rd most popular president ever! You cant win, nope you just cant win, you can't catch me you go one way and I'll go the other, ya go left I go right. The people are on my side, espically after that rousing 'State of the Union Address' I gave the other day. That move with me leaching off the success of Sammy Sosa was a brilliant tatic, cause after all a president who knows the man who hit the second most homeruns in one season can't be that bad, Am I rihgt or what, If I were you I would not try to impeach me cause the people would not let it happen. Well thats all I have to say so I think I'll go to Texas and ride me a bronco, Yeeeeeehhhh HAW! Giddy up giddy up go go go!Ride em' cowboy!"
"????.....What the hell was that all about? was he drunk or something?"
Round Seven: Jan, 28 1999
"Take me to your leader! I demand to talk to the Presidnet of the United States! I speak to him now......or you all die."
"Who? What?.. Why am I being disturbed during a golf game. Nothing and or no one can be this important."
"Oh...it's you again."
"I demand that you remove the Illegal no-fly zones over my country, and I also demand that your country cease these unprovoked airstrikes."
"Yeah...And I want Carmen Elektra as my intern....but it ain't gonna happen."
"Then you leave me no choice, I'm going to order my highly trained, high tech.,and fanatical military to bomb The United States of America, the time has come for us to defend ourselves against bullies like yourself.
"Oh NO! The Iraqis are gonna bomb us! Oh no I'm sssoooooooo scared! Not the Iraqis. It's the Iraqis run for your lives, they are comming to get us! Ohhh, What ever shall I do?!"
"Are you mocking me?! I am insulted! I spit on you.(Saddam spits in the general direction of the president)You shall feel my wrath!."
"So you are really gonna bomb us aren't ya? Are you going to bomb us with your ICBMs?.................Oh wait you dont have that kind of technology, therefore you don't have ICBMs and so you can't actually bomb the U.S."
"But, your situation is not a total loss. Let's analyze what you do have. ok?.......You got desert sand and............ mabey some dirt.......HAHAHAHAHAHAHA..HEEHEEHEEHE
...wow ho hoho...Were in deep shit now!!!!!! The Iraqis are gonna throw dirt on us.....and GET OUR CLOTHES DIRTY!!!!!! HAHAHAHA."
"YOU INFIDEL!!!!!!!!! I'LL GET YOU!!!!!! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!!!!!! I'M LIKE A THORN IN YOUR SIDE!!!!"
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