PART THREE
The doors slid open and he stepped inside. She was no longer on the bed, but standing by the window. She turned in the direction of the sound. He reminded himself of his resolve to declare his real identity.
He saw how she took a hesitant step forward, then stop abruptly again.
"Hello," he said as he too, stepped forward.
"Amahl! Amahl..." she breathed softly.
His heart thumped against his ribcage. She called him Amahl... She recognized his voice...
"Kathryn, I - my name is - "
"- Amahl...I am glad you could come," she said. His resolve flew as she stumbled forward and he rushed to meet her, catching her hands in his. He closed his eyes as he breathed her perfume, the smell of her hair.
"How are you?" he asked, keeping his voice courteous.
She gave a sigh as he guided her to the chair. She touched the seat with her hands before sitting down. Then she raised her face to him.
"I'm better. It's just my eyes... I'm supposed to stay here where the staff can assist me - "
"Your mother?" he asked, forgetting about telling her to call him Chakotay.
"She'll be coming later in the week. I'm supposed to go home..."
"Home? Where is home?"
"Indiana. We have a farm there. I can be discharged, but there's no place to discharge me to..."
An urge to touch her hair overtook him. He raised his hand, then let it fall back.
"The gift your father gave... Do you wish to open it?" he asked, seeing it on the bed stand, still unopened. He heard her give a sigh. "It's okay if you don't..." he suggested when he saw how her face changed.
When she nodded, he moved to the bed stand and took the small package. She fumbled at first like she did the previous day, then gave a small cry of frustration. She held it up.
"Amahl, will you open it for me, please?"
"Kathryn, I - "
"Please. Why would you suggest I open it knowing I can't, then you refuse?" she retorted. He thought her voice sounded a little bitter. His took the packet from her. Their fingers touched. She pulled her away instantly. He felt a surge of electricity than powered through his body.
He opened the gift, careful as he lifted the small ornament from the box. He put it into her hand, noting how carefully she held it, letting her fingers touch it reverently.
"Something ancient, from Eastern cultures?" she asked.
"It looks very like an image of a Buddha," he replied. "Here's a note as well. Would you like me to read it for you?"
"Yes..."
He felt a little sorry for her. He couldn't help scanning the note.
"My dear Goldenbird... Goldenbird?" he asked, curious.
"That's what he always called me when I was little. Read it please."
"I can't be with you on your birthday, but I haven't forgotten. I've sent you a gift - "
"He always does that. I expected the gift..."
"I received a report of the accident, and I'm deeply sorry that I can't be with my Goldenbird. I love you, honey. We'll spend some time together on your first vacation break..."
There was a long, uncomfortable pause.
"Did you know," Kathryn started jerkily, "that I won the Global Science Project Award when I was thirteen?"
"No," he replied. How could he know?
"My school prizegivings... He missed them all, did you know?"
"I guess it was really important for you that he be there, Kathryn."
"Last Christmas... He promised he'd be home...just like he promised every year..."
"He never attended the awards ceremony for your science project?"
Kathryn nodded. Chakotay put the note down and took Kathryn's hand. It felt cold and clammy, despite the warm weather. Pulling her to her feet, he led her to her robe that was lying over the end of the bed.
"Would you like to walk in the gardens, Kathryn?" he asked. She looked upset, very bitter. Her father had once again disappointed her in a long series of disappointments. Her head jerked up. He resisted the urge to touch her cheek. It looked damp though. Was she crying? he wondered.
"Amahl?"
Damn! The name slipped so comfortably from her lips, like soft velvet clouds. It sounded...beautiful...
"Yes, Kathryn?"
"Why are you doing this?" she asked as he helped her slip her robe on.
"I'm on a two week shore leave break from my ship. My time is my own." He wasn't lying to her this time, so his reply had been instant, without any pre-meditation.
"And you came today.."
"Yes."
"I'm glad you came, Amahl. I - the other cadets are all in class right now. They..." Her words trailed. He didn't want to ask her about the cadet who exited her ward and who looked like she wanted to cry. Maybe the young girl was responsible for the accident and was guilt-ridden. Kathryn's words were also an admission that she had few close friends, none who would take the trouble and the time to visit her every day...or to help her. The girl was blinded in the accident, didn't they even think that she might need her class mates or few friends she made more than she needed the medical staff?
"I'm glad I came, Kathryn," he replied with heartfelt honesty. He led her down the passage towards the lift. Inside the lift he could feast his eyes on her. He knew he had an unfair advantage, that she had no idea how eagerly he wanted to run his fingers through her hair, or press his lips against her forehead to comfort her in her loneliness.
Once outside the building, Kathryn breathed in the fresh air. The sky was clear. She hooked her arm through his. The action surprised him, but it also quickened his heartbeat. Still, he had no illusions. Kathryn was blind now, she needed his support. He wanted to believe she needed him now.
"Is the sky clear?" she asked, as they walked towards a bench that was situated close to the rose beddings.
"Yes, it is. You know?"
"It does feel like that. On my skin...it's crisp, I think."
"You're right."
He laughed, and she squeezed his arm. Never once, as they came outside the medical facility, did she stumble. Now, they reached the bench and he allowed her to touch it, feel her way along the armrest. She sat down, gave a wondrous smile that told him she was satisfied that she could do it on her own. More than that, Kathryn needed to be outside, to breathe in fresh air, feel the breeze on her cheeks. How had no one realised it?
"I've not been helped this way, Amahl. Thank you. I think everyone's forgotten that - that..." Her voice had become soft as she spoke. He sat down next to her and took her hand in his.
"Don't worry. I understand. It's good to be outside, isn't it?"
Kathryn raised her face, allowing the warmth of the sun to bathe it. Several minutes she sat like that, capturing rays, absorbing their goodness, tasting the breeze. It was good enough a reply for him as he watched her. Her hand rested trustingly in his. He had to remind himself that he was only helping her.
"Amahl..."
The name seared into him.
"Kathryn, I'm not - " he started, but when her fingers gripped tighter around his hand, the resolve to tell her his real name fled again. Besides, the way the name fell from her lips with a mellow, low, musical intonation, it was clear that in Kathryn's mind he was Amahl.
"You and James...you were at the Academy together?"
"Yes. Graduated in the same year, got our commissions on the same ship. When - when I report for duty, I will be receiving my promotion... I - I've been informed by my Captain."
"Lieutenant Junior Grade? That's pretty quick, isn't it?"
"Well, it seems that I'll been given a commendation - "
"Meritorious service. You are a leader, then."
"I was doing my duty, Kathryn."
She nodded. She looked so young, he thought. So young and untouched, yet there was an inner strength about her. He sensed she could also be tough if she chose. He recorded those summations in his heart. Kathryn Janeway: soft, feminine, yet tough.
"I wish I could see you..."
"Why? I'm the ugliest man in the universe."
"It's not funny."
"Sorry."
She laughed. It sounded bright, like a bell. He stared at her in total amazement. She turned so that she faced him. The movement was slow, enchanting. If only he could see her eyes! She raised her hand, and when it missed his face, he guided her palm to his cheek. His eyes closed at the touch. It was feather-light, dramatic, fingers barely touching as they skimmed the surface. He wanted to die when she touched his lips, a thumb pressing against him. Then she resumed her investigation to safer areas as if she too, realised the presumptuousness of pressing her fingers to his lips. Against his brow her thumb paused.
"Strange..."
"What is?"
"I feel some contusion. It's very slight, though. Were you injured in battle?" she asked. Her fingers didn't leave his brow; instead, they skimmed over the outline of the scar. He wanted to tell her it was a sign of his introduction into his tribe, of accepting his heritage and cultural identity, but he'd be lying. He never wanted to look like his father, or take the mark of his tribe. "Poor Amahl..." Kathryn murmured softly.
"Hey," he said, smiling with relief, "don't feel sorry for me."
"You carry the scars of battle with pride, then."
"Kathryn, it's nothing - "
"A scar?" she asked, sounding quite disappointed.
"I got a little careless in the holodeck. Afterwards I was too lazy to have the scar removed. Our CMO and I are currently engaged in battle over this mark," he said flippantly.
"And these are dimples, I guess," she ventured, running her fingers lightly over the indentation in his cheeks. He nodded, covering her hand again. "You have a strong skin, tanned, maybe."
"I guess."
"Are you of a different race, Amahl?" Kathryn, asked suddenly, frowning.
How could she have sensed?
"I am Native American."
"And proud."
There was a long pause. Kathryn's hand left his cheek and rested on her lap again. What could he tell her otherwise?
"Yes," he said at last.
The silence that followed, was not uncomfortable. Kathryn's face was turned away from him. If she could see, she would have been staring off into the distance. In profile she looked aloof, aristocratic. He was gripped by the old insecurity when he had been at the Academy, and a girl - Cadet Ravenscraig whose father was an admiral - told him she couldn't see any well-bred girl looking twice at a Native American with cropped hair and dark skin. It didn't matter that there were Bolians, Andorians and Ketarchans at the Academy. Or that some of the male cadets were womanisers who had few scruples about bedding any girl. A small sigh escaped him. He had turned down her advances, and she hadn't liked it, so she hit at something about which he never had any complexes before, because he never thought about it. But that day it hurt. He had looked at every girl after that with the same feeling: she saw him as something inferior. Few were curious about his background, but he had never volunteered to give them any information. He had never liked sharing of intimacies and maybe Jimbo was right. He kept his woes and his private life close to his chest.
"You're quiet, Amahl."
"I think we should go back..." he said softly.
Kathryn nodded. She was tiring, he could see. Besides the damage to her eyes, her other injuries had been severe. The body was a strange thing. It remembered injuries and pretty much reminded one to be patient to rest. Kathryn rose to her feet, her hand reaching for him.
They walked back slowly towards the main building of Starfleet Medical. When she was finally settled in her bed, he touched her hand. The restless lacing and unlacing of her fingers stopped.
"Amahl..."
He was beginning to like the name. His own abhorrence of deceit was beginning to diminish until his conscience accepted the name with the ease Kathryn Janeway said it.
"Yes?"
"Will you come again tomorrow...please?"
*****
END PART THREE