Palimpsest:
Coming home
[Fourth story in the series]
by
vanhunks
Disclaimer: Paramount owns the characters. I borrowed them for the writing of this story. No copyright infringement is intended.
Rating: PG-13 [Not close enough to R to warrant that rating].
NOTE: This story is the fourth story in the "Palimpsest" series.
SUMMARY: It is a year later and Kathryn and Chakotay enjoy the experience of her being a mother of their young baby.
The other three stories:
1. Palimpsest: A letter to Kathryn
2. Palimpsest: And pour contempt on all my pride
3. Privation of the soul's needs
PALIMPSEST: COMING HOME
Chakotay stirred lazily under the blankets, then felt the sudden waft of air as Kathryn rose from the bed. Through sleep dazed eyes he saw her pull on her robe. She paused, looked at him, then on an impulse bent down to kiss him before she left the room.
Only now he could hear the faint cry and knew why Kathryn got up. He stared at the chronometer, and gave a light groan when he saw it was only 0300, still too early for both of them to be up. The cry stilled a minute later and he sagged back against the pillow, turning his head to where Kathryn had left in indentation in hers. Last night they had made love for the first time in six weeks, and his body was still warm and tingly from the aftermath. Kathryn had been soft, pliant, wonderful and giving, like she had been in the last year since their wedding.
Elizabeth had been born only six weeks ago, and Chakotay gave a sigh of contentment. He had always wanted children and Kathryn had wanted to have a baby practically immediately. While had had been prepared to wait, wanting to have Kathryn to himself for a year, Kathryn had had different ideas.
"I'm not getting younger," she had said quite soberly, though Kathryn's eyes had been alive when she spoke. "Besides," she continued, "I know you'll enjoy being a daddy and you'll pitch in for pyjama drill and diaper change." Kathryn had no idea then how his heart raced furiously at the anticipation of seeing her holding their baby.
"You don't think it's too soon?" he asked, concerned.
"I want everything, Chakotay..." she had said, repeating his own words when she had gone to see him on Ketarcha Prime to give him the reply to his letter in person and to pledge her love to him. "Everything..." she had repeated, taking his hand and pressing his palm against her stomach.
"And everything you shall have, Admiral..." he promised her fervently.
They had spent several days on Ketarcha Prime and every day they had gone to the platform at the canyon to renew their avowal of love. Most times, he knew Kathryn waited patiently while he just peered over its magnificent depths, thinking about the new things happening in his life. He had thought many times, ironically enough, of Annika and the wonderful gift she had given them. Then he would turn and Kathryn would stand just behind him; he'd wrap her in his embrace and hold her fiercely to him.
No one had been surprised when they returned to Earth after he tied up his affairs on Ketarcha Prime and married Kathryn. He had been introduced to Phoebe, to their mother, even Mark Johnson. Phoebe, it seemed to him, wanted to bless him every day for a week when he arrived home with Kathryn. "Few people know what goes on behind that mask of Kathryn's, Chakotay. Few people," she stated fiercely. Chakotay could see then the love in Phoebe's eyes for her older sister, and see how much Phoebe cared about Kathryn. After three years of living on Ketarcha Prime with Annika, he had only now felt the sense of family and how strong the bond was between them. He was welcomed as part of the family and it humbled him. Not for the first time, when Phoebe called him brother, he felt the intense pride that he belonged well up in him. He was willing to concede only now, how living with Annika had been like existing in a vacuum. They hadn't made many friends on Ketarcha and Annika had been mostly busy with scientific projects. Here, on Earth, he was immediately among people whom he knew and people who gave their blessing on his union with Kathryn. Besides, he and Annika didn't have children...
And Kathryn... The grey streaks in her hair seemed to have vanished, and the crow's feet she complained to him about also appeared to recede. Kathryn blossomed and years had been taken off her age because she was so patently happy. Just as he wanted to do so many things for her, she did for him. Her face lit up whenever she did something and he expressed his joy at her generosity. When she suggested that she wanted to stay with him on Ketarcha Prime he thought her gesture so touching that he wanted to cry. But, after Annika left, there had been no urgency to stay on himself and he had already made plans to tie up his affairs and relocate somewhere else.
He took up the offer of a professorship in Archeology and Anthropology at Starfleet Academy - an appointment he delayed three years ago when he had been offered it in the first place. Now, with Kathryn promoted to Admiral, they were both stationed at Headquarters. It was a good arrangement, he thought. Their years in the Delta Quadrant had given them enough experience, and while the wanderlust was still there, it was tempered by the fact that Kathryn mostly, wanted to be near him, and not away on year long missions.
"You were there all the time for seven years, Chakotay, yet I never appreciated your closeness. Now, I really I can't imagine a day without you..."
Once, when the Borg attacked them the first time, Kathryn had said those very words to him, only... He sighed. It was best to put those painful memories behind him. Of course, he had been over the moon that they were together, and with a baby on the way, Kathryn had become just more beautiful... How could he bear her to be away from him for months at a time?
Tom Paris, now Lieutenant-Commander, declared that it was high time the Admiral had gone to get her man and be happy again. Doctor Zimmerman raised an eyebrow, then asked where Seven of Nine had decided to base herself. Harry Kim, now deservedly Lieutenant, left almost immediately for Vulcan where he met up with Seven again and renewed his association with her.
All seemed to have worked out, Chakotay thought. Sometimes, just sometimes, he wondered how Annika was doing. Those times Kathryn would notice, then she'd take his hand in hers and rest her head against his chest. She never asked about his life with Annika, yet, there were times he could see the query in her eyes. It would be dispelled only when he took her in his arms and kissed her desperately, his action more than his words telling her how he couldn't breathe without his Kathryn.
Yes, Chakotay thought. No one told him to his face that he was making a mistake by wooing Seven of Nine while they were on Voyager. Like the good Starfleet officers they were, they accepted what they saw, although they didn't necessarily believe it. But in those days... Kathryn had been particularly teasing, then withdrawing from him; at other times she had been Captain, not admitting to how she felt and becoming distant. He had given up, taken Annika's interest in him seriously and started dating her. It had been thrilling then, he admitted; he was flattered by her attentions, and his bruised heart and ego took up her attachment to him and he gave it substance. It was so different from Kathryn, when Annika needed him, expressed her feelings for him so fearlessly. In the beginning, he supposed, it worked.
But Kathryn had been everything to him. She had been his friend. Once she had been his lover; she was his confidant and he was hers. They shared a thousand things, had a love of reading, loved good music, could talk reverently and irreverently, just bantering, which Kathryn thrived on in his company.
He couldn't duplicate that with Annika. None of the small things that made life such a joy of living, she could fully appreciate. In many respects she was still the child whom he severed from the Borg while on Voyager. He didn't have the odd conversation with her, the casual bantering, quirkiness, razor-sharp wit that was so much part of the idiom of communication... And because Annika couldn't share that part of his being with him, there was nothing he could feed on, nowhere he could drink from to give him the constant sustenance he needed. He was drying up, thirsty for the kind of person Kathryn was. It made him tread his way to the viewing platform of the canyon more and more, just staying there for hours and contemplating his existence of hunger and thirst. Still, he appreciated what Annika did give him, what she could be to him within her limited human expression for reaching out to him.
He didn't think of it as a mistake. She had given him three years in which he had been mostly...contented. Annika had tried desperately, then like him, had given up. He didn't want to feel any regret that Annika divorced him; he didn't want to feel he built his happiness on her unhappiness. The truth was, he did both women an injustice. There years ago, had he seen Kathryn's expression for what it was, her withdrawal from him, he should have acted. He didn't. Besides, he had been attracted to Annika, mostly because of her own dependence on him. He sighed. Annika loved him and he could never deny her those feelings. She had grown enough in her human development to realise slowly, over the years, that he could not reciprocate that love; that he missed Kathryn Janeway without ever consciously thinking of her or expressing that need. That need had been in his vacant looks, his constant pilgrimage to the platform overlooking the canyon, sometimes - he had always been ashamed afterwards - calling out her name when he made love to Annika. He had taken to drinking, imagining that he could subdue his longing that way. There had just been that aching void that Seven of Nine, with all the artillery at her disposal, could not penetrate. She felt it. He had no idea that Annika could feel the hurt. But, she had been Borg, and he had been selfish enough to accept that she could adapt to a life away from him.
Now Kathryn was his wife and he could in all honesty swear upon his father's grave and the spirits of his grandfathers, that he had never experienced such a sense of coming home as he when Kathryn became a part of his life. He tasted the difference, drank thirstily from the water streams he had longed so desperately for... He was at last complete, fulfilled, and they were ready to go forward with their beautiful little girl who looked so like her mother that his heart ached fiercely with fatherly pride.
Chakotay stirred from the bed, wondering why Kathryn was taking so long. He got up and pulled on his robe - a thick terry robe Kathryn bought for him. Digging his hands into its pockets, he walked softly to the nursery.
He smiled at the sight. Kathryn looked up sleepily, cradling Elizabeth in her arms while the baby was attached firmly to one breast.
"I see I have be last in the pecking order again," he said as he walked to where Kathryn was rocking gently in the chair.
"You wait your turn. Can't you see she's hungry?"
Chakotay stroked Elizabeth's downy soft blonde hair and the baby stirred, plopped Kathryn's nipple out of her mouth and stared wide-eyed at him.
"Hi, sweetie," he said as he tickled her neck and her tiny hand caught his finger. At six weeks Elizabeth seemed to be too wise, he thought.
He felt Kathryn's hand stroking his hair and Elizabeth starting to suckle his finger. Chakotay closed his eyes a moment, reveling in his little family, feeling incredibly warm and close to them.
"You're my life, Kathryn," he whispered haltingly.
Kathryn bent to kiss him, then turned her attention to the baby again. Elizabeth's eyes were drooping finally, and Chakotay watched in awe as Kathryn settled Elizabeth in her crib. Her movements were unhurried, tender, and her eyes were soft as they rested on the baby. When Kathryn straightened up again, she moved into the circle of his arms.
"What was it you said about a pecking order again? Didn't you have your fair share of sucking a few hours ago?"
"I'm careful not to take your milk, honey," he replied in his defense.
"I know, but it doesn't hurt to feel your mouth on - "
"Kathryn..." His voice was a groan as he pressed her soft and warm body to him, smelled her hair and thought he would die slowly again with the dizziness that threatened to overpower him..
"I still have some milk..." she whispered huskily.
It was all he could do to press her gently away so that he could look at her. He gave a sigh, then planted a light kiss on her forehead.
"It's 0400, sweetheart. You're tired, I can see. When Elizabeth wakes up again, I'll tend to her, okay? Come to bed, hmmm?"
Kathryn sighed as she buried her face in his neck, then placed her feet on his. He gave a low laugh and with her feet planted firmly on his, he walked her back to their bed. A minute later he pulled her into his arms, feeling once again the peace and quiet descend on them as Kathryn's breathing became low and even; her body became heavy and he knew that she was drifting into sleep. She was tired and he had arrived home earlier to relieve her, taking over some of her duties and tending to Elizabeth. He closed his eyes, an image of Kathryn just after she had given birth flashing in his mind. Kathryn stirred again and turned, only for him to spoon her body against his and for him to throw his arm over her and cup one very soft and full breast. He heard Kathryn's sigh of contentment and minutes later, she was fast asleep.
***
Kathryn woke sluggishly from her deep sleep and when she looked at the chronometer she sat bolt upright.
"Elizabeth!" she gasped as she realised it was already past 0800 and the baby was due for her morning ablutions and feed. The place next to her was empty and she frowned. She remembered falling asleep in Chakotay's arms and the memory brought a smile to her lips. She ran her fingers through her hair and was on the point of getting up when Chakotay entered the room . He was dressed in a light camel coloured shirt and dark trousers, his feet shod in espadrilles he favoured whenever he was home. He was carrying Elizabeth. The baby looked minuscule in her father's big arms but Chakotay was never perturbed by showing how proud he was of his little girl. Kathryn gave a light sigh. Chakotay was in danger of spoiling Elizabeth... He loved them so...
"I should have been up," she said sheepishly, knowing how he had taken care of them during Elizabeth's night feed. She had been tired, she admitted to herself, and when Elizabeth cried, she hadn't wanted to wake Chakotay. Chakotay though, had the same internal sensors she had. Whenever Elizabeth cried during the night, or just stirred, he would be awake too. She had been almost asleep with Elizabeth still suckling lazily when he had come into the nursery. Now he was cradling baby Elizabeth as if she were a very fragile and precious part of him. Elizabeth was fragile and precious...
"Has she behaved?" Kathryn asked. "She was a little fractious last night..."
Chakotay just smiled broadly and looked horribly wide awake.
"Not to worry, Mommy. I've given her her bath and dressed her... She's all powdered and polished. Look, she's wearing the new crawler B'Elanna bought her... It's too big for her, I think...or maybe, Elizabeth's too small," he said reflectively. "When will she have teeth, do you think?".
Kathryn sagged back against the pillow and smiled indulgently at him as he sat down on the bed and handed the hungry baby to her mother. Elizabeth was wide awake, her crystal blue eyes fixed on her mother and already, her tiny hands seemed to grab at Kathryn's breast. Kathryn gave a laugh.
"You're hungry, sweetie?" she asked as her hand slipped inside her nightgown and she released her full breast, her nipple already expressing some milk. Holding Elizabeth closer, she smiled again as her baby's rosy lips clamped greedily on her nipple. Chakotay laughed as Elizabeth's hand rested on Kathryn's breast, her fingers kneading into the soft flesh.
"It's not fair, Kathryn," Chakotay complained. "Elizabeth gets to drink everything..."
Kathryn looked at her husband, knew that his words were teasing, but his eyes held a familiar gleam in them. She closed her eyes as his hand came up and smoothed her loose tresses away from her face. She felt his lips against her forehead, in a soft, but lingering caress.
"You're my life, Chakotay..." she whispered, feeling tears form in her eyes.
"I know..."
Kathryn allowed Elizabeth to drink for a few more minutes, then positioned herself so that the baby could drink from the other breast. For a tiny baby who weighed so little at birth even though she was full term, Elizabeth sucked quite forcefully, causing Kathryn to inhale sharply as a thrill coursed through her. Chakotay frowned, then a slow smile formed.
"Chakotay..." Kathryn breathed.
"What is it?" he asked, his voice sounding suddenly low, like she knew when he was ready to maul her with warm kisses all over her body.
"Nothing...nothing..." she said, then continued, "it's just..."
"What?"
Chakotay smiled again. Kathryn groaned. Baby gurgled happily as she drank. Kathryn knew Chakotay had the day off, and she still had three weeks of her maternity leave. So it was a day she looked forward to. He had been with her full time the first week after Elizabeth was born, then he had to take classes again. That meant weekends and the occasional day off was something she looked forward to. Now, with Elizabeth, there were so many things they could do together. Like...the promise in his eyes if she just allowed him to carry that look through.
"Do you have any idea how erotic the sensations are when Elizabeth sucks on a nipple?" Kathryn lowered her voice to a throaty drawl. "Something like a long electrical charge that travels from my breast, past my navel right to my - "
"I get the message..." he said huskily as her hand clutched at his shirt. Then she pulled his head so that she could see the specks in his dark eyes. Her eyebrow lifted and her mouth curved upwards at the corner. Then she kissed him on his lips, held him just a little away from her, making sure the baby didn't get squashed between them. She glared at her husband. She was hungry for him, wanted him...now.
"Professor, as soon as your daughter is sleeping again, which she seems to want to do for the next half hour or so, you must make love to me."
"Is that an order?"
"You know how I always like giving orders." Kathryn squirmed deliciously as his hand dipped under the blanket and he found her core. She gave a little groan, knew how aroused she was, already very wet... Chakotay she knew, was not much better off...
"I can always - "
Kathryn recovered enough to threaten:
"Don't you dare while our baby is in my arms, Professor..." she murmured, clamping her legs and forbidding him further foray into her body.
He leaned over to kiss her, then sat back. His eyes smouldered.
"Fine. I'll wait. I've turned waiting into an art."
***
Chakotay could look at them forever, he thought. He knew with some insight, that it was his intense hunger he had been forced to sublimate for so long that increased those sensations. Kathryn was sitting on the couch, with a PADD in her hand, reading intently and occasionally frowning and casting him a quick glance. They had set up a little cradle in the lounge that swung gently in its stand and from time to time Kathryn looked up, saw that Elizabeth was still lying quietly before giving the cradle a light push so that it swayed again.
This morning, as soon as Elizabeth had been settled in the nursery again, they made love. Kathryn had been...very intense, he thought, more than at any other time. He wondered whether it could have been their short celibate state after Elizabeth's birth. Perhaps, perhaps not. But he sensed that there was some desperation in the way she responded to him and the way she initiated more than half the morning's passion in their bed. She had been all over his body, clawing, scratching, nails digging deep into his back, straddling him and biting into his lower lip. Any thought then of wanting to ask why the sudden cat appearance that he didn't ever mind, flew out the window as he lost himself in her arms, in her kisses, in her...
She was sitting almost still, a trait he always admired when they had been on Voyager and they worked together into the early hours of the morning in her quarters. Her appearance to him was regal, although her hair was drawn back in a pony tail tied by a rubber band. She wore no make-up this morning and strangely enough, he was drawn more to her that way. She looked...Kathryn... Her eyes were on the PADD, and only sometimes, when he himself looked up from the book he was reading where he sat in an armchair near the window, their eyes met and she would grace him with a tender smile. Her eyes no longer had that haunted look in them; her skin glowed. She had not minded being an Admiral who walked around pregnant when she was still carrying Elizabeth. She had been proud, pending motherhood as challenging to her as captaining Voyager and as undaunting to her as the Borg had been.
The Borg...
Kathryn has never asked him about Seven of Nine. Seven of Nine... He had always called her Annika. The truth was, Kathryn didn't need to ask him about her. A flicker of pain crossed his features and he smiled quickly as Kathryn looked up from the PADD. The truth was, something held him back too, things from the more personal aspects of his life with Annika that was still painful to share. He had no regrets, and Kathryn's decision to join her life with his, had been harder for her to make than what he found it when he decided to write her soon after Annika left. When he had written Kathryn, he had known that all those things she put there as barriers between them, had still been in place, perhaps more then because he was married to Annika. It must have taken her some soul searching to decide to come to him. Sometimes, only sometimes, he was aware of a question in her eyes, and then, when he thought to act on it, it was gone as quickly as it had come there.
But, he considered himself a lucky man. He had a wife whom he worshipped and a baby he adored. He glanced up quickly as he thought of his daughter, lying so quietly in her little cradle. She was just perfect. He supposed all new daddies thought that of their baby girls. Look how Tom had gone around smiling broadly and declaring that he had "done it" when Miral was born. Chakotay hadn't seen any of the Voyager crew in three years and when he returned, the Paris family was the first he was re-introduced to. He had been surprised to see Miral, already three years old then. He had seen the aching pride in Tom's eyes as he held little Miral's hand, the absolute trust of daughter in her father, with B'Elanna Paris looking on indulgently.
He had just married Kathryn then, and the thought that he would sometime too, be a father, just did something to him. He had thought of Kathryn heavy with child and he wanted to cry. All of them welcomed him back, had been happy to see him again, and more than happy to see the immediate change in their former Captain who was not shy to clasp his hand.
Kathryn wanted to have a baby quickly, and after some consideration - he had thought mostly that he wanted to give her the opportunity to have him to herself for a year - which Kathryn mostly, convinced him was the right thing to do, he agreed. She had fallen pregnant after just two months of married bliss, and he had been over the moon. He wanted children so badly, and baby Elizabeth was so perfect.
Resembling her mother so much that it was scary, Elizabeth cried her way deep into his heart the minute she was born. She had blonde tufts, her skin was almost translucent, so soft and fragile that he could see the tiniest capillaries in her very rosy cheeks. He could even see the finest hairs on her skin... Chakotay had talked to her often while she was in her mother's womb, exasperating Kathryn no end whenever he chose the oddest moments to have conversation with her, instruct her, teach her.
Kathryn had complained happily, her eyes continuing to shine
"Chakotay," she asked as he pressed his ear against her belly, "do you think Elizabeth's education will be complete by the time she is born?"
"Not before she learns to recognise a Chopin nocturne," he had replied confidently. "At this point, I don't think Mahler would be good."
Kathryn had just shaken her head and he had beamed from ear to ear. He enjoyed Kathryn and enjoyed their baby. He had grown so much in the last year and Kathryn had been instrumental in his fulfillment. He knew that he would always hunger for Kathryn, always have a thirst that only she could help satisfy. He was glad to be home today. Kathryn had been uncommonly tired last night, though to see how she clung to him after their lovemaking this morning, he would never have said it. Still, it was in her eyes and he wondered whether they should get in help, especially when Kathryn had to resume work soon again. She was starting very slowly to wean Elizabeth off the breast, and the way the baby clung to her know, he wondered how much of a trauma it would be for mother and baby, especially for baby. He knew Kathryn would balk at the idea of assistance, insisting that she could care for Elizabeth herself. Elizabeth was still in her sleep at all cost phase, but what would happen when she really started getting fractious with colic, teething and the like? Or just plain tantrum throwing and screaming at the top of her head? He'd be there, for sure, but as Kathryn herself told him, she wasn't getting any younger.
And then there was the question in her eyes. He sometimes caught her staring at him, on the point of asking him a question, then suddenly, that look would be gone. Now, while she was reading the PADD, he had been aware of it all the time, while trying to feign an interest in Moby Dick.
Chakotay sighed, got up from his chair and walked over to where she sat, her feet drawn up under her. Taking the PADD from her, he placed it on the small table next to the couch and seated himself next to her. He faced her, staring contemplatively at her, idly stroking her hair back.
"What's bothering you, sweetheart?" he asked softly.
Kathryn looked him directly in the eyes. His heart skipped a beat. Her eyes...It was something she must have been brooding on a while, since Elizabeth's birth, in fact. He took her hand in his and rubbed the back of it gently.
"Why didn't you have children with Seven?" Kathryn asked out straight, the question jumping at him with so much surprise that he gaped first, then released her hand and sat staring for long, long moments at Elizabeth, whose tiny hands were flailing above her. He felt again the old, old longing, the loneliness, saw himself again standing for hours on the platform of the canyon on Ketarcha Prime after Annika told him what she had done. He felt Kathryn's hand touch his shoulder. When he looked at her again, he was unable to shield the pain.
"I - I'm sorry, Chakotay. It was unfair to ask you that. Forgive me..."
Chakotay got to his feet. There was a burn behind his eyelids, the swarming sound of a cyclone that built up inside him. He lost focus for a second, then realised the mirage he saw in front of him was the sheen of tears in Kathryn's eyes. He took a deep breath, forced himself to calm and sat down again. She took his hand in hers and rested her head against his chest.
"I'm sorry," she said again. "I didn't realise it distressed you..."
Chakotay held her close to him and felt how she shivered. He held her away from him, and touched her cheek with the back of his hand.
"I love you, Kathryn," he said hoarsely, "more than anything in the universe..."
When Kathryn nodded, her eyes still looking unhappy because she made him feel unhappiness again, he wanted to haul her into his arms and assure her over and over that he was fine, only... He drew in his breath, then exhaled slowly.
"You don't have to say anything..." she said, trying to smile, but her mouth looked stiff, as if anticipating bad news.
"No - no, it's okay. It - you know I wanted children, sweetheart - "
"'I want everything', you said..." Kathryn started, then stopped suddenly. "Chakotay...?" Her eyes went wide when some comprehension dawned. "Seven...?"
"She - " Chakotay gave a deep sigh, frowned as he tried to stem the rushing emotion. "I - I wanted children with her, Kathryn. It's only right that you should know. I - I badly wanted to have children..."
"Seven was able to have babies, Chakotay," Kathryn said quietly. He nodded. "But?" she asked.
"She - "
He turned cold at the memory of Annika facing him, telling him.
"What is it, Chakotay?" Kathryn whispered. He could see how dark her eyes were becoming. She was deeply concerned.
"Annika had herself sterilised," he said so softly that Kathryn touched his cheek and urged him to turn and look at her. There was no shock on Kathryn's face; her eyes were filled with compassion.
"Why did she do it?"
"We were going to wait a - a y-year," he stammered, still feeling the acute disappointment at Annika's decision. "Then when she - when she realised that..." Chakotay choked up, pulled Kathryn into his arms and held her fiercely to him.
"You didn't love her?"
"Yes...after a year she could sense I was not returning her feelings as I should. She knew, Kathryn... Seven of Nine knew, and then calmly told me what she had done. Said she didn't want babies after all, and that when the time was right, she would have the procedure reversed..."
"When the time was right..." Kathryn said pensively. "Was she hoping that - "
"I'd love her as she - she loved me. Then a - a baby..." He was quiet a few minutes, thinking of that day on Ketarcha Prime.
"Would seal that bond..."
"Yes."
"I'm so sorry, Chakotay, so very sorry to hear that," Kathryn replied, hugging him hard to her.
"I couldn't love her, Kathryn. Not like she wanted me to or deserved to. I couldn't love her. I dreamed of you all the time...I thought with her by my side I could forget. It was wrong, you know. It was wrong. She knew it but she never spoke about it. And then, just before I wrote you, she finally made up her mind to leave. Kathryn, you - you should have seen her that day. She stood before me, like she was still Borg, with that imperious air; she stood up straight, with her hands behind her back. Then she said that - that I shouldn't worry about her, that her pain was not - not..." Chakotay felt a stab of pain in his chest. He had never meant to hurt Annika, and her whole demeanour belied the pain she must have felt. He tried shutting Annika's look from his eyes. Still so much child, yet woman, trying to be brave and make as if it didn't hurt. "Oh God, Kathryn!" he cried out suddenly as the memory of his last day with Seven of Nine tortured him.
"It was her decision, Kathryn," he said when he finally lifted himself and faced Kathryn. "But it haunted me, you know. She didn't want babies with me..."
"Chakotay," Kathryn asked, "I know you must regret what she did, and I can't tell you not to feel bad. She must have been hurting deeply..."
"I know! And yet, all thoughts when she released me from our vows, were only with you. Suddenly, I could miss you and not feel guilty. I accepted eventually that she wanted it that way, and deep down, I knew that I was missing you so much that it absorbed that disappointment about her decision I felt initially. Then we became just - just a husband and wife who really didn't have that much in common, or shared common interests..." Chakotay sighed.
"But?" Kathryn asked. He shook his head in wonder that Kathryn sensed there was more.
"In our bed.." He felt Kathryn stiffen, then held her close to him again. "I must say this, my love..." Kathryn nodded and he kissed the top of her head. "In our bed, I couldn't forget you..."
Chakotay felt himself pulled down so that he could lie across Kathryn's lap, feeling comforted by her nearness. It had been a burden, what Annika had done, but knowing how much Kathryn loved him, gave him solace again. Kathryn's hand stroked his hair, and like that they remained. Kathryn didn't speak, just caressed him.
"I love you, Kathryn..."
"Chakotay..."
"Hmmm?"
"Look at me, Chakotay," she ordered and then waited for him to sit up again. There were tears in her eyes, but her eyes were shining.
"She has absolved you, sweetheart."
"Kathryn?"
"She bears no ill will."
"Kathryn?"
"And, you must know that her decision not to have babies with you, was not to punish you..."
Kathryn smiled gently, touching his tattoo. Then she lifted Elizabeth out of the cradle and placed the baby in her father's waiting arms. Elizabeth gave a yawn, looked at Chakotay with eyes that lost a little focus, then she managed to plant her little fist in her mouth and sighed as she rested her tiny head against his broad chest. Chakotay kissed the top of Elizabeth's head and then only looked at Kathryn with a question in his eyes.
"I was reading her letter to me, Chakotay. I received it this morning..."
"That's why you were so quiet..."
"I wanted to know how you felt too... I know you would have told me some time, but now, I'm glad I - I asked," she faltered over the last words.
"She - she's okay, Kathryn?"
Kathryn's smile was gentle, her eyes were filled with understanding at his concern over Annika Hansen.
"Yes, Chakotay. Yes, I think she is, my love..."
****
END