The Common Tomato

or, Lycopersicon esculentum

following "Of Akoonahs and river stones"

vanhunks

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Paramount owns Janeway and Chakotay, the hydroponics bay, Noah and Neelix

NOTE: This story is the third in the Twin Torment Series, which was created accidentally, so to speak, as comic relief in our otherwise "humdrum lives" - accordiing to Lina Lamont [Singin' in the Rain].

SUMMARY: Wait! Who goes there? What? Neelix is in a tizz. What are the girls up to now?

****

THE COMMON TOMATO

or, Lycopersicon esculentum

"Now, Mr Lessing, remember to lock up when you go," said the ever ebullient Neelix to Noah. "I just wish I could look you in the eyes when I speak with you..." Neelix added wistfully, his voice trailing a little as he noted how Noah looked down from his impressive height.

"Oh, don't worry, Mr Neelix. It's an advantage I enjoy sometimes," Noah's voice boomed from the heights.

"When you speak with the Captain and First Officer," retorted the mess hall sergeant. Noah gave an embarrassed cough. "Don't worry," Neelix continued as he patted Noah's waist, "I know what you told Susan Nicoletti - "

"Who told Marla Gilmore - "

"Who told Chell - "

"Who just couldn't resist running to you because he thought he heard the news first hand?"

"My thought exactly. You told Susan: 'Captain Janeway is a little spitfire, but I'm bigger than her. I can smack her and she won't feel anything...'" Neelix tried his best to emulate the Lessing Boom, but his voice came out as a squeak. "You should never speak behind the Captain's back," Neelix said, giving Noah another playful rib in the waist. It was about as far as he could reach.

"Mr Neelix, you must let me enjoy this little private rumination - "

"Which will never be private as long as you whisper sweet nothings in Susan Nicoletti's ear..."

"So it was that you said I must lock up here, Neelix?" Noah changed the subject. His liquid light brown eyes deepened a little and he gave another cough.

"Ah, er...yes. Don't let the children in here, heaven forbid. That Miral Paris is bad enough, but the twins are to be watched every minute of every day. The captain and first officer have given up..."

"You think so, Neelix?" Noah asked as he walked to the tanks that housed all the tomato plants with the little ripe fruits begging to be bitten into. He put his hand in and fingered one tomato. Then he eyed Neelix. "She really tends well to her little babies..."

"Oh yes!" Neelix breathed proudly, his little narrow yellow eyes shining.

"I'll take good care of them. Don't worry. Really," Noah promised, placing his palm against his heart to endorse his vow.

Neelix patted Noah's waist again, grinned sheepishly, then said: "Good. There's tomatoes on the menu tonight. Take good care of my little babies - "

"I thought they were the Captain's babies." He laughed out loud as Neelix tried to clout him. Noah feigned a ducking motion, missing Neelix's hand by a mile. Neelix moved towards the exit and waved a threatening finger at him before he exited the hydroponics bay.

"Pretentious pipsqueak..."

"I heard that!"

Noah Lessing gave a satisfied sigh as he dimmed the light in the hydroponics bay, giving one last look around him. The plants looked beautiful, and lately, he had taken to putting the botanical names on the tanks for every plant, vegetable and fruit. He shook his head, then loped towards the exit. He paused, but didn't turn round to look again.

Did he feel something like the fingers of a ghost running up and down his spine? He gave a shiver.

"Someone had better not eat the prunus persica," he muttered under his breath as he finally closed the doors behind him.

In the corridor he started whistling.

Inside the darkened hydroponics bay, two pairs of eyes peeped carefully from behind a stack of canisters .

"Is he gone?" Andrea, the dark haired twin, asked.

"Uh-huh. He's whistling false. That means he's happy," replied Katya.

"Boy, he could stand legs astride and both of us can run through them - "

"And Miral! It's wide enough for three..." Katya whispered as they creaked up and rubbed their legs from the cramped positions they were sitting in.

"Have you ever seen his face?"

"Nope. Have to get on Uncle Neelix's shoulder to see it - "

"Then you still can't see his face."

"Daddy won't lift us on his shoulders anymore."

"That's because you pulled his hair out."

"Uh-huh..."

"Come, we must hurry," Andrea said as she made her way in the semi-dark to the tanks near the back of the hydroponics bay. Katya followed her; she was still rubbing her leg.

"I've got pins'n'needles..."

"Never mind. Just walk..."

The girls cast furtive glances at the entrance, then moved stealthily towards one of the large tanks.

"Oh, boy..." Andrea exclaimed. She swung round to face her sister. Katya's eyes were riveted to the tomatoes on their tender little stems. Deep red and shiny like rubies, they attracted the children. "You like them, Katya?"

"I won't know till I taste them, right? Nobody gets whole tomatoes. We always get them in Neelix's Saturday Special Tomato Stew and I don't like it like that...I get pimples."

"Me too. Nobody likes it. Only Miral, " Andrea replied with a little wistful air.

"That's 'cos she's got two stomachs..."

"And two hearts. It's not fair."

"I can't reach," Katya said as she tried to reach the top of the tank, her fingers touching just below the edge. "Spirits!"

"Want me to lift you up?"

"Oh no, oh no... Last time I lost my tooth an' Doctor had to build me new one."

"Okay, let's get one of the canisters over there then."

Katya nodded and the two scampered off in the direction where they'd been hiding in their cramped positions just before Neelix and Noah came in for the daily check of the hydroponics bay. Andrea and Katya managed to push one of the canisters all the way back to the tank and when it was positioned just right, they climbed on. Andrea was breathing fast but Katya was already reaching into the tank.

"Much better," Katya said as her hand dipped in and she picked the first of the deep red tomatoes.

"Says here Lyco - Lyco - Lycopersicon es-cu-len-tum...." Andrea punctuated the words carefully.

"That's tomatoes."

"I know. I bet Noah thought we were going for the prunus persica..."

"The peaches? Who needs peaches when we could eat Mommy's tomatoes?"

"Uh-huh."

Katya's teeth sank into the succulent tomato. Her eyes rolled; they closed as she enjoyed the flavour of the fruit.

When she opened her eyes, Katya held the rest of the tomato to her sister. "Wanna try?"

"Oh, no," Andrea said, "you wanted to eat it."

Katya's hand stilled mid-air, a slow smile crept to her mouth, and the side of it curved up. A dimple formed in her cheek. She raised an eyebrow.

"It's good. Come one. Eat."

"Oh, okay."

Andrea took the proffered fruit and bit into it. Her eyes rolled; they closed shortly after and the smile when it formed, displayed an identical dimple to her sister's.

"Oh...oh..." she exclaimed.

"See? I told you... You look just like Mommy when you go like that."

"Like what?"

"When you rolled your eyes and lifted the corner of your mouth...like this..."

"Don't let Daddy hear you. I'm s'posed to look like you."

"'Cept for my hair."

"Uh-huh."

Andrea had popped the rest of the tomato into her mouth. The girls looked at one another, then they leaned over the edge of the tank and simultaneously their hands reached for another of the succulent tomatoes.

"Better than Saturday Special Stew."

"Hmmm..."

"Here, take another one."

"Yes!"

****

Around 1700, the turbolift opening on the bridge

The turbolift doors burst open, in a manner of speaking, and Neelix strode onto the bridge. He ripped off his chef's hat, and stomped down the platform to be on the same level as the Captain and First officer.

"That's it!" he shouted as he threw his hat on the floor. He untied his apron and it joined the hat. "I've had enough!" He stomped his feet again.

The Captain rose from her seat, and Chakotay, intrigued by Neelix's behaviour, joined Kathryn. Captain and First Officer stood hands on their hips. The Captain looked terse and Commander Chakotay looked terse.

"You're foaming, Neelix," Chakotay said calmly.

"Commander- you - you - " Neelix hyperventilated furiously. He tried to form words, but his mouth just opened and closed like an unhappy guppy. Then his mouth finally closed and his cheeks blew up.

"Watch out, Rumpelstiltskin," said Tom as he turned round to look at the distraction on the bridge. "There's smoke pouring from your ears..."

"Why no, Tom, it's hair growing out there!" Harry piped up.

"Why, you - you - "

"Neelix," began the Captain, her fingers touching her temple in a gesture of tiredness and some exasperation. "May I remind you that no unauthorised crew may be on the bridge at this time?"

"Captain," Neelix started, his eyes shooting daggers, his whiskers quivering in tandem with his lips, "I am going. I've enough. I want to go home - "

"You are going home," came Chakotay's sage reply.

"To Talax!"

"Neelix," the Captain started again, "what is wrong?"

"My tomatoes - "

"You mean my tomatoes."

"Well, er...yes, let's say they're yours. Captain, there are twenty tomatoes missing. Gone! Picked off their fragile stems without so much as an apology! Did someone make soup?"

"You count the tomatoes?" Tom asked, his voice sounding incredulous.

"Yes, with so many thieves on board - they're all between the ages of three and eight - you have to count everything, Captain, Commander. I was going to make - "

"Saturday Special Tomato Stew Surprise," laughed Tom.

"Twenty missing..." the Captain said reflectively, her eyes fixing on Chakotay.

"Don't look at me, Kathryn. I'm not a children..."

"Well, you can see Neelix is in a fix, so could you see what you can do to solve this problem?"

"On a point of order, Captain," Tuvok's bland voice sounded from behind them, "it is my task to conduct Security Operations."

"Fine, Tuvok, then - "

That moment, the Captain's commbadge beeped.

"Sickbay to bridge!"

"What is it, Doctor?"

They all forgot about Neelix who looked like thunder.

"You have to come to sick bay."

"Thank you, Doctor. Janeway out."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay; she nodded to him and they strode towards the turbolift.

"Tuvok, you have the bridge."

The turbolift doors closed. The Captain and First Officer vanished.

"What about my tomatoes?" Neelix asked peevishly.

******

Chakotay and Kathryn entered the sickbay to the sight of their daughters lying on biobeds. Noah Lessing towered over them while the EMH was busy running scans on the children.

Andrea and Katya moaned; they clutched their stomachs and when they saw their parents, wanted to jump up. Noah and the EMH held them down, the Doctor doing so in an impatient gesture.

Kathryn rushed forward and stood at Andrea's bed, while Chakotay walked to Katya and took her little hand in his.

"Noah?" he queried the former Equinox officer.

"Commander, I found them in the cargo bay, near the regeneration chambers..."

"Eh?"

Noah grinned. "Perhaps the doctor can explain, Commander.

Chakotay cast Kathryn a glance and he gave a grimace. The girls looked sick; they tried to outmoan one another. Hands clutched stomachs; they heaved in unison as they threatened to lose the contents of their stomachs. Kathryn looked like she was getting sick herself. Chakotay nudged her; he wanted to wake her to the reality that the twins could be sick now, but the next day they'll be hellions again.

"Shall I press Katya's belly button, Kathryn? I'm certain we'll see all the tomatoes rushing out her mouth." There was a protesting wail from both children. Noah stifled a laugh and the doctor gave a loud snort of outrage.

"Not in my sickbay!" he exclaimed. "I just cleaned up here, Commander."

"So," Kathryn Janeway asked as she hugged Andrea to her and then pressed her down against the headrest, "whose idea was this?" Chakotay stood hands on his hips. Katya's eyes rolled.

"Her idea, Mommy."

"Her idea, Daddy."

They pointed accusing fingers at each other.

"Humph!" snorted Andrea.

"You said we must!"

"I didn't!"

"Okay, girls, you're both guilty," said Chakotay. "No need to blame each other."

The girls started moaning again. Their faces were flushed and blotched. They looked imploringly at their parents. Kathryn and Chakotay looked at the doctor.

"Needless to say, Captain, your two little angels dipped into your tomato reserves."

"They look sick, Doctor," Kathryn said, the sympathy rushing into her when she saw the children uncommonly quiet now, just moaning. Chakotay, however, remained standing hands on his hips; he positioned himself between the two beds and looked at each daughter in turn.

"You ate twenty tomatoes between the two of you?" he asked Katya.

"Uh-huh," Katya responded, then "Owwww...!" she groaned again.

"Watch out! She's going to lose it!" Chakotay shouted. The next moment Noah Lessing had a brown paper bag that he held in front of Katya's mouth. Chakotay's eyes popped. Kathryn was shocked. The doctor gave a knowing nod.

"I got pimples, Daddy," Katya's cried as Noah walked away with a smirk and got rid of the paper bag. Katya started crying and Kathryn held the child's body close to her bosom. "I love you, Mommy..."

"I know. We'll have you better in no time. Don't worry," Kathryn pacified.

"My tummy is paining, Mommy," cried Andrea. Kathryn, close to tears herself, let Chakotay hold Katya while comforted a now crying Andrea.

"Go away..." Katya cried as Noah stepped forward again and just as quickly stepped back. He stopped when Chakotay gestured he stay there.

Chakotay looked unimpressed as he asked: "Well, Doctor?"

"The condition," the EMH started loftily, "is serious enough, Commander, Captain. The high acidic content of Lycopersicon esculentum - "

"That's tomatoes, Daddy."

The doctor scowled at Andrea's interruption.

" - of Lycopersicon esculentum caused an imbalance -

"a chemical clash with the enzymes in my tummy - "

"No, your blood!"

"It's not. It's your nerves..."

"Shurrup, Katya," Andrea ordered her sister, the nausea temporarily forgotten.

"Oh, okay."

"That is why they have those blotches, Captain.

"I got pimples!" Katya complained, touching her face and looking disgusted. Then she clamped her mouth with one hand and her stomach with the other. Noah was ready with another brown paper bag.

"Doctor, are you going to stand there and do nothing?" Kathryn asked.

"I can see crewman Lessing having no trouble doing my work..."

"Got pimples!"

"They're blotches, honey," Chakotay said calmly, ignoring Kathryn's descent into sympathising with her daughters. "You okay, sweetie?" he directed the next question at Andrea.

"Owww....!"

"How long before they're better, Doc?" Chakotay placed his hand on Kathryn's shoulder as he spoke. He turned to look at the silent Noah who nodded severely. Noah had a look that said 'Anything you say, Commander.'

Kathryn looked like she wanted to delete the doctor's subroutines, but Chakotay's hand tightened on her shoulder.

"The biliousness I can cure, Captain. It's the chemical imbalance that will take some time. I have to - "

"How long, Doctor?" Kathryn's voice sounded thready; she swallowed at the lump in her throat.

"Unfortunately, your tomatoes contain an element that didn't agree with them and caused those...pimples. Also, they've been infected with an alien virus the tomatoes carry before they reach the cooking stage - "

"What?" Kathryn sounded outraged.

"Oh, yes," Chakotay agreed. "Alien virus. My guess is, Doc, you have to quarantine our daughters?"

"That is correct."

"You can't! This is just an innocent indulgence into my tomatoes. They couldn't possibly be poisoned, and it's nothing you can't cure. Why, you raised Tom, B'Elanna, Harry and Neelix from the dead, for heaven's sake!"

"Be still, Kathryn," Chakotay ordered. He pulled her closer to him. "The Doctor will have to quarantine them, and place them in a protective forcefield for three days - "

"Are you mad?"

"Three days!" exclaimed Andrea and Katya.

"And the next dose of medication can only be administered in two hours, right, Doc?"

"Awwww!"

"Yes, Commander."

"Therefore, I shall remove my wife from sickbay before she spills all her tears all over her children, and they must suffer their inconvenience a little longer. Right now their quarantine period starts..."

"But - but Chakotay," Kathryn objected as he led her away. Chakotay paused suddenly and turned to look at Noah.

"And you'd better have an explanation ready as to how the hydroponics bay which is out of bounds for all children under ten on this vessel could be broken into by two - two puny kids!"

"But, Commander, I - " Noah sputtered.

"My daddy's gonna kill you this time, Noah!" Katya managed.

"Shurrup."

"Well, Andrea, Katya," their father said, his voice sounding more stern than sympathetic, "you're in protective custody for three days until you have recovered from your tomato eating spree."

Chakotay and Kathryn walked. Kathryn looked hesitant to move away from her children, but Chakotay held her in a such a way that she couldn't turn back to them.

"Don't leave us here, Daddy," Katya pleaded.

"We'll be good, Mommy," responded Andrea.

"We'll never take your tomatoes again."

"Come, let go, Kathryn."

Chakotay looked back once, to see their daughters raise themselves up, their little arms outstretched.

"Daddeeeeee!" they cried.

"Noah, all yours," Chakotay commanded. In the next moment Noah Lessing positioned himself between the two beds, his legs astride, his arms folded. He looked stern and when the girls wanted to open their mouths again, he hissed at them. The girls slumped back.

In the corridor, Chakotay gave a huge sigh of satisfaction. Kathryn looked thunderous. Chakotay held her gaze, unphased by her anger.

"Noah and the doctor will sort them out," Chakotay said as he held his arm for her. She hooked her arm through his.

"They're ill, Chakotay."

"They stole your tomatoes, honey."

"Don't 'honey' me."

"Fine.They're going to be kept in sick bay; doctor will keep an eye on them, think up all other horrible related diseases they can get if they eat twenty or more tomatoes, and Noah will invoke the fear of you-know-who in them. I think all circumstances considered, they'll be just fine..."

Chakotay watched as Kathryn's expression changed. It went from anger to comprehension to ...expectation. The glow in Kathryn's eyes began to assimilate him. She raised an eyebrow and the smile that formed was enhanced by the familiar lift at the corner of her mouth. Chakotay laughed. Their daughters mimicked their mother all the way. When Kathryn spoke, her voice was stern-husky.

"I should throw you out an airlock, Chakotay. But you're so good at disciplining those two. I - " she paused, then brightened. "I think I should keep you on as an investment for frayed nerves."

Chakotay ignored her words and just smiled his deep, dimpled smile. There was a savage twinkle in his eyes. Kathryn looked quickly up and down the corridor and stood on tiptoe to kiss Chakotay. Chakotay felt a wheeze coming as Kathryn knocked his breath away. When he could breathe again, he kissed her on the forehead.

"Just think about it, Kathryn darling," he gasped, "I just got rid of our daughters for three whole days."

"Yes."

"We can sit on the couch and watch TV all night."

"Yes."

"We can make out in peace."

"Yessss!"

****

END