PART
THREE
"The
infant is languishing, Captain. There's little I can do..."
The
Doctor's words rang like a knell of death in Kathryn's ears. She had pushed her
hand through the aperture again, and again Carina's almost transparent fingers
clamped hers. The plaintive crying had stopped, but Carina's eyes remained
closed.
"She
needs to feed," Mariah Hamilton said softly. "I've prepared it for
her, Captain."
Kathryn
looked up at Mariah, grateful for her assistance. Carina's crying had started
again.
"Captain,"
the EMH said, "she's ready to
leave the incubator. If - "
She
didn't need to be told that something had to be done, and very quickly. Carina
was hungry, and her crying debilitated her further.
"Captain?"
Mariah's voice sounded up.
Kathryn
looked at the two of them in turn, then back at Carina who seemed to have
trained her fingers towards her mouth. A suckling motion ensued and Kathryn felt
a deep warmth spread through her. Her jaw clenched and for a moment. A vision of
her with a baby like Carina came to her. A man bent over the two of them,
dropping a kiss on her head. It was gone as quickly as she entertained the
thought.
"Give
me half an hour, Doctor. I'll fetch some things from Commander Chakotay's
quarters. Seven of Nine had prepared a layette for the baby. I'll be
back..."
Reluctantly,
as if Carina could feel she was going to leave, she let go of Kathryn's finger.
Hardly had Kathryn pulled her hand out, when she started giving her little
kitten cries again.
"She
recognises you, Captain," Mariah said in wonder. "I've never seen
anything like it..."
"Miracles
have happened in sick bay before - "
"It
will only be a few minutes, little one," Kathryn whispered, hoping that her
voice sounded reassuring. When she stood up and nodded to the doctor, he smiled.
Kathryn frowned.
"We'll
see a few more miracles before the year is out..." he said enigmatically.
Kathryn
could hardly wait to get to Chakotay's quarters and on her way there she
pondered over the last two days. She had been alternating between anger,
compassion, itching to smack Chakotay and dying to stroke his cheek. He was
bull-headed, had never been to see Carina yet and it disturbed her a great deal.
She knew he was still in his quarters. In retrospect, she should have let him
have his way and commence duty on the bridge, if it weren't for Carina. Now he
too, languished in his cabin. He appeared unkempt, hadn't slept since the day
Seven died, and his quarters was in a mess. That was late last night when she
had once again popped in to remind him to look in on his daughter.
"I'll
go, don't worry about me, Captain," he had said a little impatiently.
"You're
afraid..."
"No,
I'm a coward, that's what."
"Chakotay..."
"Please,
just leave me alone, will you?"
"I'm
here to help, to stand by you as your closest friend, just like you've been
there for me and for this ship in the last ten years."
"Well,
can I count on that friendship?"
"Yes."
"Leave
me alone then. Understand that, will you?"
He
looked like hell last night. Unshaven, bloodshot eyes, and nostrils that flared.
She had left his cabin, and escaped into her own. There she had spent a long
time gazing through her viewport, contemplating the darkness, cloaking it about
her the same way Chakotay had done in his quarters. For once she welcomed it
that no one could see her own sorrow. At one point she felt the tears, but
savagely managed to hold them back before they rolled down her cheeks.
Her
own feelings about the accident, the fateful order for the away mission, seeing
an innocent and helpless infant battling for her life in the first hour of it
and the unwilling, if terrifying bond she felt with a child not her own... No
one would see. She had not given herself time to grieve for she had no time.
Dillinger had been one of the youngest ensigns on board, and Seven... Kathryn
had tried to shut out images of a Borg drone, newly come aboard her vessel to be
integrated into Voyager's crew. Seven of Nine - Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix
01... She felt Seven's loss perhaps more keenly than anyone else on board. But,
whatever she wanted to express, or to weep openly about, had to be put on hold.
The ship wasn't standing still. It moved inexorably towards its destination,
home, and along the way they still had to fight off all manner of adversity.
She
could comfort everyone... there just wasn't anyone who could do the same for
her. She had a ship to run, a duty to get her people home. At the head of her
vessel was she as its commanding officer, imbued with the unholy task of braving
all adversity, see that every single crewmember on board and those with
offspring were safe and happy.
She
had too little time to deal with what made Kathryn Janeway tick. Once Chakotay
had known who she was; now, her best friend didn't seem to know her anymore.
Shaking
her head as she reached his door, she wondered for a moment if she should
announce her arrival. Then, on an impulse, she overrode his codes and entered
the darkened quarters. She was here on a mission, not to offer him solace.
"Chakotay?"
she called out. When there was no response, she hit her commbadge.
"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."
"Commander
Chakotay is in Holodeck 2."
"I
guess I'll have to do without him..." she muttered as she walked around and
found the tiny alcove that now housed the baby's crib. Kathryn smiled when she
looked at the mobile. She had half expected
miniature Borg cubes, not the teddy bears swinging gently when she
touched them. The replica of Voyager looked incongruous in the float of
characters on the mobile. She had an image of Carina trying to reach for the
figures. Thought of the baby reminded her of her mission and soon she had her
hand in the drawer of the compactum, selecting clothing for the baby, as well as
receiving blankets.
Something
felt hard to the touch when she dipped her hand in the drawer. Kathryn frowned,
considered a moment Seven's privacy, then decided to pull it out. It could be a
message for the baby.
"I
don't think Chakotay knows about this," she mused. "Strange... It's
for me."
It was
for her, from Seven of Nine.
"Dear
Captain Janeway...."
it read.
Seven
of Nine, after she married Chakotay, never called her anything but 'Captain
Janeway', even if Chakotay always called her Kathryn.
Remembering
the clothing and the blankets, she rose to her feet and stepped back, thinking
that she ought to inform Chakotay that she had come to collect a few things for
the baby. The bottles they could replicate in sickbay...
Kathryn
turned to leave his quarters, pausing when she passed the bedroom. She could see
the bed. She gazed at it a long time, imagining
Chakotay sleeping there next to Seven of Nine. She closed her eyes, felt
her heart contract painfully. Gulping in air, she slowly exhaled to regain the
control she'd mastered the last three years. Nights of burying her face in her
pillow and silently ordering herself to fall asleep and not shed a single tear,
came to her.
No
more tears, she admonished herself as she sighed and left his quarters. Still
carrying the PADD along with Carina's baby things, she made a detour to her own
quarters and deposited the PADD in the bottom drawer of her dresser.
Later
she'd take it out again and reread Seven's message to her...
****
Kathryn
sat in the nursery with a worried EMH, Mariah
Hamilton and B'Elanna Torres looking on. Carina, wrapped in a pink receiver and
dressed in the softest of fluffy crawlers which was way too big for her, lay in
Kathryn's arms, crying. Kathryn felt near to tears herself. The last twenty four
hours they had tried to feed her, Carina had been fractious, crying most of the
time and refusing to drink.
"It
is possible that the traumatic separation from her mother may have led to this,
Captain..."
"But
she's refusing milk, even the closest to mother's milk we've replicated,"
Kathryn responded as she put the bottle down. Again, like the past two days,
Kathryn felt a strange pull, and even stranger, the sporadic twinges of pain
that shot through her bosom when Carina lay and nuzzled her face against her.
"We've
got to do something, short of having to feed her intravenously, or use some
other drastic method like - "
"We're
not forcing milk down this baby's throat, Doctor," Kathryn cut in stiffly,
awed when she noticed how Carina's face kept nudging against her. Her hair was
flaxen, and she had not opened her eyes again for any length of time since that
first day when she had stared up into Kathryn's face.
B'Elanna
bent down and stroked the baby's hair tenderly. Kathryn saw how she swallowed.
"I'm
going to find Chakotay and kill him, Captain."
She
strode out of the nursery. Kathryn and Mariah couldn't help but smile at the
heavily pregnant-for-the-second time Chief Engineer who all but waddled out of
the nursery to find Chakotay.
"I
hope she breaks his nose, Captain," Mariah said, her eyes soft as she too,
touched the baby's head. Carina had stopped crying but Kathryn knew that the
reprieve would be short-lived.
"We
must understand his pain, Mariah. He's having difficulty adjusting to living
without his wife."
"Believe
me, we all do, Captain. It's just so strange seeing Chakotay act like this. He's
angrier now than he's been for a very long time, even when we were on the
Liberty. But Captain..."
"What
is it, Mariah?"
"Carina...she
looks so peaceful in your arms... I think she..."
"Yes?"
"I'm
sorry, Captain. It's - it's not my place...forgive me..."
Mariah,
mother of little Jamie and wife of James Hamilton, one of Voyager's pilots,
scooted out of the nursery before Kathryn could respond to the woman who looked
for a few seconds distressed. Mariah's face had creased as if she wanted to cry.
Kathryn looked down at the sleeping baby and wondered what Mariah had wanted to
tell her.
Carina
stirred and Kathryn thought she would cry again. She bent to drop a light kiss
on the baby's downy soft hair.
"Oh,
sweetie, you're not mine and I'm not supposed to love you like I already do as
if you were mine..." she whispered and gave a little cry as a series of
painful twinges spiraled through her bosom.
****
"I'm
afraid the prognosis isn't good, Captain," the Doctor said later that
evening as Kathryn brought the baby back into sickbay. Carina was quiet for
once, sucking her fist.
"I'll
get Commander Chakotay - "
"Captain,
the baby is losing weight. I don't mean the normal loss immediately after birth.
She isn't taking in enough fluid to sustain her, even at the rate that she
brings up her food..." The EMH took the baby from her and placed Carina
gently back in the incubator.
"I
understand, Doctor."
The
EMH straightened up and faced Kathryn.
"I
believe also that she's pining..."
That
could very well be, Kathryn thought. The doctor's words rang true. Chakotay has
been nowhere near the baby and the attempts of B'Elanna, Mariah, Samantha and
Marla Gilmore to get him in sickbay had met with little success. Carina remained
a restless little baby, missing the connection with her mother. She gave a sigh.
"Then
I suppose we'll have to use one of your drastic measures, Doctor. I was hoping
that we wouldn't have to..."
"There
is another suggestion, Captain. An outside chance, perhaps..."
"But
a chance." Her hope flared. She felt a little out of her depth at not being
a mother. Whatever measures the EMH came up with, they were all worth
investigating. Carina would die soon...
"Yes.
As I said, it's an outside chance. Something that had been done in before -
"
"Anything,
Doctor. Anything. Meanwhile, I'll leave this little scrap here in your care and
make sure her Daddy is on hand when she wakes up..."
"You
haven't heard my suggestion, Captain," the doctor's words followed her as
she made her way to the sickbay doors.
"I'm
absolutely certain it will be in the best interest of the child, Doctor,"
she replied as she left sickbay.
***
End Part three