Chakotay
felt a little guilty at leaving
"She
never seems to be still for two minutes together when she's awake, Sam,"
he said ruefully as he rubbed his ear after
"Then
you're in trouble, Commander," Sam replied, "you'd think they outgrow
it, but...they don't.." Sam looked with indulgent
eyes at her daughter who looked almost preteen so tall
she was, and who never seemed to be still for two minutes. Naomi had gone to
sit down with
"She
doesn't even miss me," Chakotay complained as he prepared to leave.
"That's
because all the babies belong to the crew, Commander. They took Naomi over like
that as well. It's probably one of the best things being on Voyager. We're a
family..."
"Yes,
you're right, of course. A family. I've felt that in
the last two months, quite a lot."
"I
understand. Now don't worry, we'll entertain
"Ah,
yes... Joe..." Chakotay said with a meaningful air. "Joe..."
"It's
not what you think, Commander - "
"It's
what everyone seems to think, Ms Wildman. I - I am sorry about your
husband..."
Samantha
sighed. Gresgrendrek had gone on with his life. He had taken a Ktarian woman
and married her. While he had knowledge now about Naomi, he had indicated he'd
not be in her way if she went on with her life too. It was hard for her...and
Joe.... Joe had heard that Eileen died. His sons were being raised by his
mother. It had been harder for him, but Joe had been kind to her, helping her
so often with Naomi. Sometimes he was just so...there....
"It-
it was hard, in the beginning. Joe means well, but - "
"Samantha,
you know my situation. I can tell you: don't throw away any chance at finding
happiness again..."
Samantha
had a grateful look in her eyes. Chakotay was right. She had to free herself,
like the Captain did. Just throw herself at Joe's
mercy... She knew he wanted to be more to her. He was so kindhearted, and the
one time he had ventured to kiss her, she had felt the stirrings of pleasure.
It had been Valentine's Day and Naomi couldn't talk enough about the fact that
her mother had received the largest bunch of roses she had ever seen. Sam gave
a tender little smile. Perhaps, tonight she could invite Joe to share dinner in
her quarters, with the children in attendance...
She looked
at Chakotay again and wondered if he knew how instrumental he had been in
bringing couples together on board ship. He had known from the start that Susan
Nicoletti was going to lose her heart to Noah Lessing. And, it was Chakotay who
told Mariah Henley not to be afraid to explore the strange emotion called love
she experienced whenever James Hamilton had passed her way. Mariah had been a
hardened, tough Maquis, softened by James Hamilton who was once of Voyager's
pilots. Now Mariah was happily married and they have a beautiful baby boy, the
youngest of the babies on board.
"Thank
you, Commander."
'You're
welcome. He bent down to kiss
"Da-da..."
"Oh,
my..." Chakotay breathed with awe, "she spoke..."
By the time
he left Sam's quarters, he felt lighter in spirit than he had in a while. He
took the first turbolift on his way to the holodecks. Early this morning
Kathryn had woken up, showing little surprise that he was in bed with her. He
had been a little worried when she had woken up from her nightmare, unable to
stop shivering or sobbing that he shouldn't leave her.
He sighed.
He wished to heaven he knew about his life, every single facet of it,
especially his emotions or emotional reactions to certain things that happened
between him and Kathryn. It did feel good, however, to lie next to her in bed.
He could wake up like that every morning. This morning he had lain awake watching Kathryn wake up. It was a revelation,
the way she lay so still in deep sleep that her earlier thrashing around had
been such a contrast. He reckoned her to be a quiet sleeper,
one of those people who didn't stir the covers much comes the morning.
He had been
wondering all the time about the dream she had, and why she kept telling him
that it was too late, that it was all her fault. She blamed herself for pretty
much everything, it seemed. He smiled inwardly. The question bothered him all
the time and when Kathryn opened her eyes, it just slipped out.
"Tell
me, what happened two years ago?"
"I
asked you to marry me," she had replied. Then she added: "You
rejected me..."
"I'm
sure there had to be a reason I turned you down, Kathryn," he said
eventually, after recovering from his surprise. They then married after all, so
what could have been the impediment to the marriage of true minds?
Kathryn had
bent down to kiss him a second time. He still had to recover from being kissed
so full on his lips the first time. It had been a feather-light brush against
his lips, but it burned, his body going into little shocks of pleasure.
"You
went alpha male on me..." she had said.
"I
did?"
He had been
gratified to see her smile when she lifted her face away from him again.
"We
were - we were
on the holodeck, in an empty Sandrine's. I asked you. There - we - you - had
given up," she whispered. "I knew I was losing you, Chakotay..."
She had become agitated again and he was quick to soothe away her fear. He
kissed the tip of her nose and said:
"You
were saying?"
"Then
you said you couldn't accept my offer."
"I
would never turn you down, Kathryn, right?"
"You
don't know how afraid I was. Afraid and embarrassed. I
had mustered the courage after many sleepless nights to ask you, because I was
certain you were never going to ask me again. I - I..." She gave a small
sob. "I was afraid of losing you.... I turned and wanted to dash out of
Sandrine's, hide my face forever from you."
"And
you didn't...run out of Sandrine's, I mean." he stated. He had pressed her
gently down and he was propped up on his elbow, looking into her expressive
eyes. His mouth curved into a smile and Kathryn's fingers touched the dimple
that formed.
"I
don't think I could have. You caught my hand and pulled me into your arms again
so hard and swiftly, I felt like I was punched in the gut."
"Alpha male behaviour, huh."
Kathryn
smiled, her eyes twinkling. Chakotay had been relieved. Kathryn's trauma of her nightmare was beginning
to dissolve like mist. He didn’t want to see her unhappy or sad.
"Then
you told me it's your right to refuse my offer; declared everything I said was
null and void and - "
Chakotay
snorted, then he covered his mouth quickly with his
hand. It was precious downtime for them both while
"Come
one, out with it. What else did I say?"
"You
pulled me along with you to where Sandrine was standing, grabbed the yellow
rose from her hair, went on your knees, presented it to me and proposed."
"Eh?"
Kathryn
tried her best to emulate a Chakotay voice:
"You
said: Kathryn, I'd hate to tell our only daughter Tara when she's born - there
may not be a
"I
guess I would have said that," Chakotay told her, and there was a
reflective note in his voice. Then he smiled again broadly. "Alpha
male, huh. I do my own proposing..."
Kathryn had
buried her face against him, her voice muffled when she asked:
"Chakotay?"
"Hmmm?"
"We're
getting up in an hour. Stay with me, please?"
So he
stayed the hour in her bed. He wrapped her in his arms; she had given a sigh of
contentment. They had fallen asleep again and woke only when
Now he was
on his way to Kathryn with a question in his heart. This time of the evening
both holodecks were in use. Kathryn was in one and though he knew it was her
own quiet time, he wanted to see her. The thought of Kathryn made him breathe
faster; his heart was making sudden leaps he couldn't explain but accepted with
joy. He found her intensely attractive, and his initial reticence about their
closeness, or touching her and kissing her had made way for this new feeling.
This morning he welcomed her lying so close in his arms, tugging at his chest
hair and rubbing his nipples that made him ache to kiss her silly.
He looked
forward to seeing Kathryn. They had been busy on the bridge all day, spent time
in the briefing room with endless reports, and while there was a lunch time of
sorts, he and Kathryn had only taken a light snack in the ready room, then left
to go on duty again.
Kathryn was
tired and the whole afternoon he had been aware that she needed some time out,
needed to take a break. It was in her voice, her eyes that looked tired. Her
disrupted sleep was also partly responsible for her lethargy. Before he had never bothered her whenever she was in the holodeck,
respecting her need to be alone, to meditate, if she needed to. He had
done that himself most of the time, although he found it difficult to go on a
vision quest. He knew it sounded stupid, but he didn’t want his memories to be
jolted though a vision quest. Not that it could be done that way, but it had
been a vain hope in the beginning. Kathryn though, took time off from husband
and baby once a week. That much he gleaned from the logs and the database which
gave him information on the number of times the holodeck had been frequented.
She had
given him her holodeck codes, but he had never intruded in the last two months
and he wondered whether he did before the accident. Perhaps she'd not mind if
he intruded, but it was a risk he was willing to take. Also, he didn't know the
nature of her programmes, except one or two that was available for the rest of
the crew. Now, he had a burning question he wanted to ask her, and he couldn't
wait for her to come home to their quarters to ask her about it. He had woken
up so many times from the dark mists that just wouldn't melt away in order that
he could see what he had dreamed about, but he sensed that mostly, it was the
same dream, whatever that was. It teased him no end,
and Kathryn... He sighed. She did say that day after he had knocked her out
cold in sick bay that she would help him as much as she could.
He needed
to know, even if it was going to be painful, especially for her. He couldn't
rest and Kathryn had little idea how little sleep he had every day. It was as
if he were afraid to fall asleep lest he wake up and find himself with his
cheeks wet, his heart so pained and sad that he wanted to cry out. There were
times that he couldn't keep himself from falling into a restless slumber. Then
he'd wake up like that, with a worried Kathryn bending over him. One night she
had cried with him when he had been so distressed and frustrated. He wanted to
have some semblance of peace. Just a semblance of it.
***
At the
holodeck 2 entrance he hesitated, then took a deep breath and entered the
codes. He had no idea what EdenRock 1 entailed, but it sounded mysterious. The
doors opened and he found himself in a forest glade, nothing like he had seen
anywhere on Earth, or on some of the homeworlds in the Demilitarized Zone, or
elsewhere in Federation space. Was this New Earth? he
wondered.
Pushing
away some of the giant fronds of ferns, he saw her. He had heard the sound of a
rushing river the moment he entered, and Kathryn was sitting on a very large
flat rock. The grey shade of the rock was broken by the bright colours around
her. She was sitting on a fawn-coloured blanket, and she wore a blue dress. He
had never seen that dress, he was sure of it. When she turned to look at him
her face showed no surprise. It couldn't be anyone else, he thought. No one
else on Voyager had these codes. It was Kathryn's private programme, and one he
had been made privy to. She put the book she was reading, down and waved for
him to come closer. There was a smile on her face. He gave a sigh of relieve.
She didn't seem to resent his intrusion. He was glad of that.
Kathryn's
hair shone golden bronze in what he knew was a late afternoon setting, with the
sun hovering high over her. When she moved her head slightly, her hair bobbed
around her face, making the sparks in it come alive. Everything seemed to live,
he thought with surprise. Kathryn looked so much part of this setting it was
difficult to imagine in these moments she was equally at home on the bridge,
giving orders. Here, he realised with gut-wrenching wonder, Kathryn Janeway was
an extension of nature. She was one with it, belonged here since the beginning
of time. Chakotay drew in his breath sharply. Kathryn out of uniform looked so
much more relaxed, so much woman that he found himself moving towards her like
a drugged sleepwalker who couldn't disobey her command. What was her command? A
slight wave of the hand that he join her. She had not
said a word yet, but the air around them crackled with the fullness of wordless
conversation.
He sat on
the rock, facing her. He had an searing desire to kiss
her, but found himself just staring. Chakotay knew in that moment that the last
two months of living with Kathryn Janeway in their quarters, serving with her
on the bridge, playing together with their precious baby, or just having light conversation
in the mess hall, or those minutes in her ready room when they just talked,
those nights in their quarters when they were both working in such
companionable silence on reports, he was falling for Kathryn Janeway. He shook
his head slightly, to try and dispel that notion, but
it wouldn't go away. It was a fact, as strange, as ironic, as wonderfully
magical as it sounded: Chakotay knew he had fallen for Kathryn Janeway the
first time he came aboard Voyager as her First Officer, friend, confidant, the
same way he has fallen for her now, two months after his accident in which he
just about had to re-invent himself. He was falling in love with his wife
again. How lucky could a man be? Kathryn touched something in him, calmed his
anger, tempered his aggression, he supposed; inspired in him the intense desire
to protect her and Tara. She inspired this feeling of love: old, former, new,
present, both equally divine, enduring, precious. It
was exciting, earth-shaking, wonderful, and for a moment, a moment, Chakotay
forgot what he came here for.
"You're
staring, you know."
Did her
words float to him on the breath of the breeze?
"Is
this - is this New Earth, Kathryn?" he asked quietly.
She nodded,
her smile gentle, a little hesitant, as if she were afraid to break the spell,
the magic.
"It is
idyllic," he said, "peaceful..."
"Yes,
yes, it is. It was a two hour trek from our shelter. You found it three days
after we arrived there. We called this little spot Breakfast Rock."
"It is
an apt name, Kathryn. I take it we used to breakfast here?"
She smiled.
It was a quirky upward curve of the corner of her mouth. Lifting her head to
the sun, its rays caught in her hair, shooting golden sparks off it. Her hair
bounced as she inclined her head slightly. The blue dress - he wondered whether
this was also a legacy from New Earth - clung to her, and the fullness of her
breasts just filled the bodice. The low-cut neckline seemed to enhance the
gentle swell, and the fine pendant she wore was the only adornment. Yet, it
gave her an almost Renaissance look, a fragility that was belied by the inner
strength he knew she had. Kathryn was woman, beautiful, mysterious, possessing
unconsciously an ancient knowledge of femininity and seduction. He knew when
she smiled like that, that they had probably done more on Breakfast Rock than
just having breakfast.
His
breathing stopped a moment as her exquisite eyes went soft and warm. He knew he
wanted to touch her, brush his lips against hers; he knew without a shred of uncertainty
that he wanted to do it for himself. She drew him in, sucked him like a sponge
to her; he could turn nowhere if he wanted to escape this mesmerising pull she
had on him. This place was an enchanted glade, created for the two of them
alone. When he reached with his hand to pull her face close to his, her eyes
became pools of mysterious attraction, her lips parted and her perfume invaded
him, created a wild desire to drown...drown.... Chakotay understood what men
had said in the past of women like Kathryn: he'd be happy to be her slave
forever.
His lips
touched hers, not tentatively like he did before, but with certainty, knowing
that the burning sensation he felt was spreading throughout his body. Kathryn
moaned softly as her hands went round his neck. He kissed her deeply, a searing
benediction of the new feelings of love and absolute adoration. Her lips parted
under his, like a butterfly spreading her rainbow wings, a lotus flower opening
in the sun, freeing them from the closeness of seconds before. His tongue
probed, found destinations that became instinctive, yet with a deep,
subconscious knowledge that he may have traveled that road before. He felt like
swooning so overpowering the sensation of tasting the nectar of her mouth. The
water rushed but he only heard it as a far off sound, a
background music to complete the scene.
"Kathryn,"
he groaned hoarsely, "I want to touch you...."
She took
his hand and guided him to cup her breast. Chakotay groaned again as her nipple
sprang to life under his touch.
"Kathryn..."
"Hmmm...?"
He broke
away from her, a momentary reprieve from this pleasurable prison Kathryn had
locked him in. His eyes were warm, smouldering in answer to her smoky blue-grey
eyes. He moaned, seeing her eyes - wanton, inviting, seductive. And, he wanted
her.
"What
are you wearing under your dress?"
She gave a
husky laugh.
"You
want to find out, Chakotay?"
"Aye,
Ma'am..." he croaked as his hands moved over her body. Somewhere at the
back of his mind the fact registered that Kathryn had known he would come;
Kathryn was expecting him and wouldn't turn him away. He had no idea, no
awareness that her hands had been working on him too, and that she had started to
remove his jacket and undershirt. Seconds later, Kathryn's blue dress lay one
side on the rock, and Chakotay stared at his wife.
"Yes..."
Her breasts
were the pert, creamy peaks he had dreamed of in the last few weeks. His hand
reached to touch, it hovered centimetres away from her
nipple.
"Oh,
great spirits," he groaned, "I want you, Kathryn..." Then his
hand moved away and his mouth found her nipple as securely as if he had done it
a hundred times before. She gripped his head and pressed him closer to her
bosom; she gave low, soft moans of pleasure as Chakotay suckled and pulled.
"Love
me, Chakotay..."
How did he
get the rest of his uniform off so fast? Hands worked frantically in between
grunts and gasps. Then he took his time looking at her. Her head was propped
against a soft cushion and her legs were slightly parted. He touched he skin; it felt soft, and when he bent low to dip his
tongue in her navel, thought he would drown as the waves of pleasure crashed
through him. He cupped her breast again. Kathryn gasped.
"Touch
me..."
He raised
himself up, his eyes burning on her as his fingers splayed over her centre. She
whimpered, a low, hoarse sound, when his thumb grazed over her folds. It was
warm, moist and Kathryn arched against him. When Chakotay finally leaned over,
settling into position between her thighs, his heated, hard arousal pressed
against her slit. Chakotay gave a groan of pleasure when he felt her arch into
him.
He cupped
the sides of her head.
"I
want to see you..." he ordered, "open your eyes...look at me..."
Her eyes
flew open, and Chakotay hissed his pleasure at the way they burned into his
own.
"Please...now,
Chakotay," Kathryn murmured; his mouth covered hers and he nudged her legs
further apart. Kathryn's hand went between them; she caught his shaft, poised
for an agonising second his tip at her centre before he pressed into her.
"Dear,
God..." he groaned as he filled her, and Kathryn gave a cry of pleasure.
"Oh,
yes...."
Chakotay
moved in her, thrusting slowly, yet strongly so that she could enjoy the feel
and the length of him inside her. He watched her face,
saw the changing expressions in her eyes as he thrust, quick, powerful strokes
that increased the heat inside her to fever pitch. He was incited, grunting as
he drove hard into her, then holding back a little to give her some pleasure
just feeling how he swelled even hard in her. But, Kathryn was hurrying him as
her knees clutched him, her legs lifting high around his waist, allowing him so
deeply into her that he gave a loud cry of pleasure. He could feel her reaching
her peak, and for a few seconds he rode her hard until she screamed his name
into the quiet. Very far off, a haze really, he could hear the fluttering of
birds as they scurried away from their branches.
"Danaë...Danaë...!"
Chakotay cried out as he hurtled into his climax, shuddered several seconds as
he spilled painfully into Kathryn.
He
collapsed on her, feeling slightly dizzy. From a long way off he heard:
"Chakotay...Chakotay...?"
"W-what...?"
he asked as he lifted his head heavily from her bosom. His body was drenched in
sweat and beads of perspiration ran down his forehead.
"You
were gone for a second, Chakotay," Kathryn said, her voice sounding husky,
sultry, and she looked...well-loved...
"I - " he started, "...really?"
"You're
still hard, Chakotay," she encouraged, her hips moving again. Her hands
slid against his damp skin, but he only mildly experienced the pain of her
scratches against his back. Her eyes were warm, smoky...again... Chakotay's
face broke into a slow smile.
"Well,
then, Kathryn," he said as he started pushing into her again, "what
are we waiting for...?"
***
She lay
straddled atop him in their bed. Her hands were cupping the sides of his head.
Earlier, in the holodeck, he had asked:
"Kathryn,
I want to lie with you in our own bed..."
"For tonight, only?"
"Always,
Kathryn," he had said gruffly as he kissed her again.
Now they
were in their bed, and they had made love again.
"I
missed, you, Chakotay," she whispered afterwards.
He had just
given a sigh, and she understood.
"Kathryn?"
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"Can I
fall in love with you twice?"
"These
things happen," she replied, in an attempt at levity.
But she was
delighted beyond measure. Chakotay - the new Chakotay - had fallen in love with
her as quickly as her old Chakotay did. He had looked into her eyes on
Breakfast Rock precisely like he desired her, like he wanted to kiss her silly
and make love to her. Her old Chakotay had looked at her like that, especially
when they were alone and she'd know that he wanted to kiss her or make love to
her. She felt cosseted then, protected, loved. It was so different from that
first time after he was discharged and he kissed her here, in their quarters.
He had been so unsure of himself then, still trying to find his way, so lost;
and he kissed her so tentatively, so experimentally that she shrank back from
his touch after that. She had been hurt - hurt and disappointed at the same
time that he couldn't recognise her or remember from just touching her.
"Hey..."
"Sorry..."
She bent to
kiss him. Her weight on him didn't bother him. It never did before, but he
shifted nonetheless to fit her more snugly against him. He hadn't wanted to let
go of her. She gave a tender smile. She wondered if Chakotay realised at all
how much of his subconscious was operating now. He had always liked to have
some part of his body touch hers in bed, wanted to feel connected to her all the
time. That surfaced even now, with his memory gone; he still clamoured for that
link to remain between them. His eyes were searching hers and she frowned.
"What
is it?" she asked softly.
"Breakfast
Rock.... We made love on Breakfast Rock on New Earth..."
Kathryn
smiled tenderly. She kissed him again. His eyes had an uncertain look in them
for a moment.
"Yes.
That was where - where we made love for the very first time,
sweetheart..."
"I
loved you, Kathryn?"
"Always." Her eyes filled with tears at
the memory.
"Don't
cry, Kathryn. I'm in love with you now."
"You
know, Chakotay, there, in the holodeck, you - you called me 'Danaë'"
"Sixteenth century painting by Titian."
"You -
you know?"
"I'm a
historian too, Kathryn. What do you think I've been doing in the Maquis? Fight
off Cardassians?" She laughed at how relaxed Chakotay sounded, so free,
so...clear of his shadows and mists. "You did lie there like Danaë, so
deliciously naked. How could I not desire your delectable body?"
"Chakotay..."
"Kathryn?"
"What
is it, Chakotay? I can't help feeling you're holding back something, something
you came to the holodeck for to ask me..."
"Was I
happy on New Earth, Kathryn?"
"We
were happy," she qualified his words.
"And
there were no shadows in your eyes?"
"N-no..."
"Did I
dream New Earth every time in the last months, Kathryn?"
His face
looked so serious that she knew he wasn't going to rest until she explained
everything.
"Yes...yes,
I think so. You must have dreamed of New Earth and Breakfast Rock and how - how
happy we were there." Kathryn
buried her face in his neck and he held her like that for a few minutes. He
caught the smell of apples in her hair, nuzzled his face against it. Chakotay
lay still and waited for her to collect herself again. She looked at him again
and he cursed himself. There were tears in her eyes.
"If we
experienced such extreme joy there, Kathryn, why then, did I wake up so sad
from my dream? Why did I feel this intense sorrow?"
Kathryn
remained quiet, averted her gaze, her wet eyelashes fluttering nervously. With
his finger he gently held her chin so that she had to look at him.
"I -
I'm sorry, Chakotay. I hurt you. I never meant to, you know. I - I hurt
you..."
He was
still a long time. Then he asked quietly:
"Is
that why there is no record in my personal logs of New Earth and Amara the
primate, and the intense joy I experienced with you, Kathryn?"
***