It was
morning when Chakotay woke again. At least so he thought it was. The first
thing on his mind was naturally, Kathryn Janeway. But, it was not the Captain
who loomed over his bed as he opened his eyes.
"Good
morning, Commander Chakotay."
Chakotay
stared. His head was somewhat clearer, and he had known that other than the
Maquis who were on board Voyager, there was no one else he would know. He didn't know the man who stood by his bed.
"Who
are you?"
Noah
Lessing smiled.
"I'm
Crewman Noah Lessing, Commander. I have been instructed by Captain Janeway to
help you this morning, and the - "
"Yes,
Commander," the EMH piped up, "you are about ready to walk around
sick bay, but no further."
"It
seems," the Commander said, "I have no choice."
"Indeed
not. How are you feeling this morning?" The EMH walked briskly from the
monitor he had been studying, and stood next to Noah, hypospray in hand.
"I
don't need that," Chakotay said tersely. The EMH snorted.
"Fine.
You have no idea how normal you sound."
Noah
Lessing had meanwhile lifted Chakotay to a sitting position, then
allowed him to swing his legs over the side of the bed. Chakotay experienced a
dizzy spell, but Noah, who was bracing him, allowed him to recover from it
before he let Chakotay off the bed. Chakotay grimaced.
"That's
it, Commander. Now, can you take a step forward?" Noah asked, ever ready
to halt Chakotay's fall should the Commander pitch forward. Chakotay gingerly
put one foot in front of the other, found that he could at least stand
unattended. When he looked up at Noah, he gave a triumphant smile.
"Were
you always that tall, Noah Lessing?" he asked the young, grim looking
crewman.
"Since my sixteenth year, Commander. My Mama swore by old fashioned Earth growing
meal for growing boys. You should have seen my brother -
"
"Hopefully,
he isn't on this vessel."
"No,
Commander. He isn't."
Chakotay
looked again up into Noah's face. Noah was standing ready with a fawn-coloured
dressing gown that looked decidedly non-Starfleet. Two things struck Chakotay
at once and he didn't know which one of the two to pursue first. Noah took the
decision out of his hands by saying:
"It's
your own dressing gown, Commander. The Captain thought it might be good if you
were in your own garments. She said something about it being familiar..."
Chakotay
nodded. It didn't look familiar but the moment he put it on, he felt
comfortable at least.
"Your
brother, you said - "
"He
died, Commander Chakotay."
"I'm
sorry to hear that, Noah Lessing."
"No
more than I am, Commander," Noah replied, his expression serious. "No
more than I am," he whispered again. Chakotay didn't press him for more
information. He could see Noah wasn't ready to offer more.
"So,
Noah Lessing, what is my first order of business after I've been to the
bathroom?"
Noah smiled
down at him.
"The
Captain thought it would be a good idea if I brought you to the nursery first
thing."
"The nursery?" Chakotay asked as Noah held his elbow and allowed Chakotay to walk
around sick bay. It was better than he thought. He had no headache like the
previous day, and although he ambled very slowly, he could do so without
feeling overly nauseous or dizzy.
"The quarters next to sick bay has been converted to a nursery,
Commander, and in the morning, the nursery has its full complement of three wee
ones."
"One
of them being my daughter..." Chakotay said reflectively.
"Aye,
Commander."
Chakotay
nodded again. By the time he left the bathroom, he felt refreshed. Noah was
waiting for him and together they left the sick bay for the short trip to the
nursery. Kathryn.... Chakotay thought
about the previous evening. He couldn't even picture what his daughter looked
like. He couldn't grasp fully that he was a married man, one who shared a bed
with the Captain. He experienced again that disorientation, of being displaced.
He didn't know this vessel, didn't know the crew and when a crewmember passed
them and said: "Good morning, Commander. It's good to see you up and
about", he simply nodded gravely, although Noah greeted her merrily by
saying, "Hi, Susan!".
Chakotay
noted, however, the sheepish grin on Noah's face.
"You
like her?" he asked.
"Commander,
they called her 'cold hands, cold heart' Nicoletti..."
"And
her hands and heart are not so cold anymore, right?" Chakotay said,
managing a smile.
Noah didn't
answer. Instead, he said: "Here we are, Commander."
The doors
slid open and Chakotay stood for a moment on the threshold and stared in. The
room was full of colour. Not at all starship-like, he thought. In the far corner
were three cribs, there were toys strewn on the floor and a few easy chairs.
Kathryn sat
in one of them, and she was holding a baby.
Chakotay's
heart was in his throat. In fact, he stopped breathing. Noah pressed his back
and urged him to go in. Chakotay inhaled deeply and took the few agonising
steps forward. Kathryn rose from the chair. The baby wore pink sleepers and
Kathryn was rocking her gently. Kathryn nodded to Noah who went over to the
crib to entertain Miral who was fretting and demanded attention. The third
occupant lay quietly with a pacifier.
"Chakotay..."
He stood
still about a metre away from Kathryn. Chakotay couldn't stop staring. Kathryn
and the baby.... To him they looked perfect, so completely perfect together.
"Her
name is
"
"You
named her, Chakotay," Kathryn said and held the baby to him.
Chakotay
took a step back. The baby had black hair, a skin like his and her eyes were
blue.
"You
can hold her, Chakotay. Actually, you're quite good at it," Kathryn said
as she placed
"She -
she likes me," Chakotay said in wonderment as he pressed his hand gently
against
If Chakotay
had any doubts at all, they were all but obliterated when
"I
sometimes felt jealous that she looked so much like you," Kathryn said
softly, but her voice was kind, loving.
She moved so that Chakotay could sit down in the comfy chair.
"She
has teeth..."
"Oh,
yes. She sprouted those two very early," Kathryn replied as she knelt next
to him.
"I
have to go on duty now, Chakotay," Kathryn said. Her hand caressed his
hair, and her palm cupped his cheek. It didn't feel so odd now, so detached as
he thought it would be. Perhaps it was the best thing to do, he thought. Trust
Kathryn wholeheartedly and take it from there.
"I -
I'd like to stay here for a while, Kathryn. I see Noah has company. That must
be Tom and B'Elanna's baby..." he said reflectively, noting the ridges on
Miral's forehead.
"Her
name's Miral..."
"They
named her after B'Elanna's mother," he said in wonderment.
"Yes."
"And the other baby?"
"Mariah
Henley and James Hamilton..." Kathryn waited for the information to sink
in.
"Maquis
and Starfleet...."
Kathryn
smiled broadly, then she rose to her feet. She kissed
Chakotay's forehead. Her lips were warm against his skin. "I'll be here at
lunch time..."
"Now
that I think of it, I haven't eaten in..."
"Don't
think about it. Noah will see to it that you have something for breakfast. Nothing heavy, okay? Doctor's
orders."
"Naturally. This afternoon then, Kathryn."
Chakotay
watched Kathryn leave the nursery before he turned his attention again to
"So, I
gave your name
****
Thus began
Commander Chakotay's gradual integration into life on Voyager. The EMH had
toned down treatment to the minumum, although Chakotay still had problems with
headaches. Chakotay had refused more medication, and the latest altercation had
left the EMH mildly irritated.
"It's
for your own good, Commander," the Doctor stated the morning after
Chakotay had met his baby girl for the first time.
"It
cannot be for my own good if I can't remember the circumstances of my child's
birth, Doctor," Chakotay replied. Noah had been standing next to him,
ready to elbow guide him to the nursery again. The EMH stood ready with a
hypospray and Chakotay looked angry.
"Commander,
did you know that most of the skin on your body burned?" The Doctor said
that as if it answered all Chakotay's questions. The Commander's eyes flashed.
"Doctor,
do you have any idea what it means not to remember?"
Chakotay emphasised the last word, feeling again the desolation of the previous
day when he looked at his baby and forced himself to have a recollection of
her.
The
Doctor's expression changed from irritation to something that made Chakotay
feel bad. He cursed himself. He knew he must have struck a nerve with the
Doctor. His apology when it came, was tinged with
regret.
"Sorry, Doc. I'll be good. Now give me that damned injection and let me get to - to
my office. I believe I have one?"
"You
certainly have, Commander," Noah said merrily while the EMH stepped up and
jabbed Chakotay's neck. There was a fine
hiss and when the EMH was finished, he had a smug look on his face and the
strange expression of seconds before melted away like mist before the sun.
"Thank
you. I feel better already," Chakotay remarked with mild sarcasm. He looked at Noah. "I want to see my
daughter first, if you don't mind."
"Naturally, Commander. After that, I understand the Captain will take
you to your quarters..."
Chakotay
had been quiet when Noah mentioned his quarters. He was filled with
apprehension. Was it the quarters he had shared with Kathryn? He still couldn't
quite get past the idea that he was married to Kathryn, but it was a fact.
Being
married to Kathryn suggested an array of parameters he didn't want to
entertain. Seska was Seska. He knew her in that life, and what he had with her
was simply to satisfy a carnality that rode along with being on the run, living
dangerously and getting what satisfaction he could without ever having to
commit to anything, except his noble cause. Circumstances had thrown them
together, and he had been attracted to Seska on a base level, nothing more.
Seska had been more than willing to bed him. There had been no merging of the
minds, no marriage of hearts and souls, or inspiration men to great works of
art. Seska was not the type to evoke that in a man. But
Kathryn... Kathryn had a pedigree, a refinement of spirit that he didn't
have to know in a life he couldn't remember. What little he knew of her now was enough to
bear testimony to her culture and elegance; it was in her bearing, any man
could see that. Kathryn would inspire love in a man, the willingness of a man
to make sacrifices for her, to die for her. He sensed that intuitively. Trying so damnably hard to remember, to find a memory, just one
that linked him with Kathryn, in her bed, and more importantly, in her heart,
was becoming an exercise in futility. That part remained a grey mist. He
got a headache just trying to think about how a woman like Kathryn Janeway,
Captain of a Starship, petit, refined, tough it seemed, pursuer of a renegade
Maquis leader, could love him, Chakotay. He was certain that she did. What
little he knew about her now, since his accident, he couldn't imagine her
giving her heart lightly to anyone, let alone someone like him.
But she
did. The circumstances of the how and why remained elusive and he could feel
the onset of another headache just trying to open an aperture in his mind.
"Commander?" Noah's voice broke into his thoughts.
"Yes...yes,
I'm fine," Chakotay replied at length. "Shall we go?"
He felt
again the strong apprehension. They were going to his quarters later. Didn't
Kathryn say yesterday that they prepared quarters for him? Where were his
quarters? If he and Kathryn were married, with one happy baby he was going to
see in about a minute, wouldn't they be sharing? He cut off those thoughts,
took a deep breath and held Noah's elbow. Chakotay still felt wobbly when he
walked and he gritted his teeth. Very soon - like tomorrow morning, spirits help
him - he would not have to use Noah as a crutch anymore, though he certainly
could use the young man's company.
Yesterday he and Kathryn had had a light meal in sick bay. Perhaps
today, he could go to the mess hall with Noah, or have lunch in Kathryn's
quarters. He still felt like something punched him in the gut every time he
thought of Kathryn's quarters as being "their" quarters. So, Chakotay
took a deep breath and said:
"Let's
go, Noah. There's a baby waiting for me."
***
Chakotay
retired to sick bay mid-morning.
The doctor
had given him another jab of the hypospray, smirked all-knowingly before
saying:
"I
knew you'd be back here soon. You underestimated your recovery rate, Commander."
"Thanks
a lot," Chakotay responded, his eyelids drooping. He had only time to feel
slightly embarrassed at still being so weak before he was engulfed in the
swirling mists of sleep.
When he
awoke again, it was afternoon, and he jerked up with:
"
"She's
sleeping, Chakotay," Kathryn said as she watched him. She pressed him
gently down again. "Please, you're running a slight fever."
"Kathryn..."
There was a pleading look in his eyes when he looked at her. "Is there any
chance I can sleep in my own bed?"
He didn't
miss the sudden flash of fear in her eyes. He frowned. Was something the
matter?
"What's
wrong?" he asked as he held her hand.
"Nothing,"
she said quickly, "nothing, really."
But the look in her eyes told him something. His own voice lowered, he
said quietly:
"It's
alright, Kathryn. I can sleep somewhere else..."
She was
afraid, and to be honest, he admitted to himself, he was too. They were like poilite strangers.
"I
would like to go to our quarters, if you don't mind. And, I want to get out of
this," he said as he pointed to the pyjamas he was wearing. "It's
time
That
elicited a smile from her.
"Fine.
We could go now."
A few
minutes later they alighted from the turbolift on deck 3.
"Chakotay!"
"B'Elanna?"
Chakotay's surprise was patent. "In Starfleet
gold?"
"Yeah.
It's good to see you look better, Chakotay," she said quickly as she
entered the lift.
He only had
time to stare before the doors closed and Kathryn held his elbow lightly as
they walked to the Captain's quarters.
"B'Elanna
looks less fierce than I remember her," he said conversationally.
"She
has Tom, Chakotay. Don't underestimate her, though. It comes out at odd
times..."
"She
still blames the Klingon half for everything?"
"B'Elanna
did that while in the Maquis, too?" Kathryn asked, surprised.
"She
fought me all the time," he replied. He smiled when Kathryn walked faster.
She had no conscious idea that she did so. He thought it was the way she always
walked. But it left him trailing her a little.
Chakotay
sighed deeply. Maybe the problem was with him. He still walked too slowly.
"I'm
keeping you up, Kathryn," he said apologetically.
She stood
still and looked up at him. There was a flash of anger in her eyes.
"Chakotay,
you almost died. Died, you hear? When you were brought in, I didn't recognise
you. You're not nearly recovered. I've just about twisted Doctor's arm to
discharge you from sick bay today. Please, don't feel sorry about anything, or
the need to apologise."
Her eyes
looked fired. He made her mad. He didn't want to. When he nodded, they
proceeded in silence until they stood in front of her quarters. Chakotay
frowned.
"We
converted our quarters into larger living arrangements for us when -
when..." Kathryn stopped and keyed
in her commands. She didn't look at him when she spoke, but hoped that he
understood the inference.
"When
we got married..."
"Yes..."
The doors
swished open and Kathryn stepped in first. She turned to look at him. Chakotay
stood still on the threshold. He hesitated.
"Come,"
she said. This time she smiled and her eyes looked inviting.
He stepped
inside; she took his hand and led him to the large couch. He sank down
gratefully, not wanting to admit to her that the trip from sick bay to their
quarters had tired him. He leaned against the backrest and closed his eyes.
Small beads of perspiration formed against his forehead. She sat down next to
him and waited for him to get his breath back. On an impulse she found
impossible to avert, she leaned over and kissed him on the lips.
It was a
brief touch, but his eyes opened immediately.
"Kathryn?"
"I -
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that...." she whispered. She rose quickly
and walked to the dining area where she busied herself with the preparation of
their lunch. Chakotay looked around him with interest. He saw through the
partition the area which had been his quarters originally, but there where his
bed had been now stood a crib and other baby furniture. He got up, feeling less winded and ambled around. He walked to
He walked
to their bedroom where he stared so long at the bed that he didn't know that
Kathryn had joined him. She touched his hand and he clasped it, wondering idly
why he found the action so natural. Still he didn't look at her, but kept his
gaze on the bedside table where a framed photograph stood. It shocked him only
a little, more because he looked so healthy in that picture, and it was of him
in casual clothing, laughing into the imager. Where was that picture taken? He
didn't want to ask Kathryn; he wouldn't remember anyway. The sun caught in his
hair and his face looked relaxed, not the winding coil he felt like all the
time now.
"Come,"
Kathryn said softly, averting the uncomfortable moment, a moment in which she
felt afraid of the questions he would ask.
He walked
back with her and minutes later they sat down to lunch, enjoying the meal in
solitude.
"Kathryn..."
he said finally, breaking the silence. There was a a
quarded look in her eyes. "I know you're feeling uncomfortable and
frankly, so do I. I can sleep on the couch..." he
suggested.
He was
gratified when she gave a sigh of relief and nodded. Was she afraid of him or
for him? he wondered. Her whole demeanour told him
that she wanted him to be here, in their quarters. Kathryn didn't look at him.
When they finished lunch and cleared away their things, she walked with him to
his wardrobe.
"Everything's
here, Chakotay. Your uniform - "
"I'd
like to get into uniform, Kathryn, if you don't mind - "
"Chakotay!" Her voice sounded with mild rebuke but there was a kindness in her eyes
and, he wanted to think, love. "You're the First Officer of this vessel.
Of course I don't mind...."
He nodded.
"Your office is this way," she said quietly. "You can start on
the crew complement, and Chakotay..."
"Yes?"
"If
you're uncomfortable, if...anything, anything, please, will you call me?"
"Even
when you're on the bridge, Kathryn?" he asked, the dimples forming in his
cheeks when he smiled at her.
"Especially when I'm on the bridge."
He had a
sudden need to allay her trepidation. He could see she was trying her best to
make things comfortable for him, to make his integration into the ship's
affairs and her life as painless as possible. So he tried to give her some
reassurance that he would be fine. Her eyes were on his, he saw odd flashes in them, shadows which he badly wanted to take away and replace
with shining laughter.
"Kathryn..."
His voice was a groan, hoarse. Her eyes were drawing him, pulling him.
Chakotay's hands clapsed her slender shoulders and he bent his head slowly.
Their faces were close; he was only centimetres from her mouth, so
close...so close... His lips touched hers and lingered there. He could feel her
movement, how her lips grew soft with need and finally, opened under his. She
was responding to his touch, her lips became alive. He felt her press closer to
him, her arms going round his waist. Chakotay tried to feel, and what little he
felt he knew was only the Maquis Chakotay whose response had been all but lust;
plain, simple normal reaction to a beautiful woman whom he was kissing. Nothing more. Not Kathryn, his wife, with whom he was
supposed to be in love....
Then he
pulled away, ending the kiss as abruptly as the urge in him had encourage him to touch her. A flash of anger in his eyes,
the frustration that he couldn't feel what he knew he was supposed to feel,
swamped him. He could see Kathryn felt used.
Chakotay
swore under his breath as he looked at her.
Kathryn's
eyes broke up; he saw the shards fly about them and he knew with a sickening
dismay that he had hurt her.
****