Kathryn
Janeway exited the turbolift on her floor carrying a squirming
"No, sweetie. Don't do that..." she instructed the baby.
While the
baby continued to disobey her mother's instruction, Kathryn walked briskly to
her quarters and entered the codes. Chakotay was probably up and still waiting
for her. B'Elanna had been flustered earlier in the evening when she met her in
the nursery. Chakotay had cornered B'Elanna first and with something that had remained such a burning issue
between her and Chakotay for a long time. Kathryn inhaled deeply when the doors
opened. She had to deal with
"Okay,
honey. We're here and it's bedtime for you..."
"Shhh...sweetie, don't wake Daddy now..."
She sat
down with
"Nonsense, Kathryn, darling. Before we know it, nine months have passed and
our baby will stare at us and ask why we didn't get her a crib and a mobile and
a play pen and a - a...Treevis!" Chakotay had stopped, looked sheepishly
at Kathryn and said simply: "I love you, Kathryn. Indulge me,
please?"
How could
she refuse? Chakotay had made this rocking chair with wood he had replicated
and built in the cargo bay in every spare moment he had. Only the best for you, honey..." he always said. She had been glad. For
months he had stopped going to the holodeck to get beaten up by Baby Jake in
the boxing ring, so
he could do things for her. "Besides, my priorities have changed, Kathryn,
love of my life..." She sighed. He had been - and still was - like that on
New Earth...doing things for her because he loved her so much. New Earth... She
pulled her thoughts away from New Earth. There was pain there that she prayed,
Chakotay wouldn't remember...
For a few
minutes
"And
Commander, that is the last time I'll transport a rank pin out of a baby's
stomach," the doctor had declared acidly.
"Doctor,"
Chakotay had responded with equal firmness, "you had better get used to
it. It's going to be a health hazard on this vessel, something we...er...had
not entered into our equations of telemetries for a route home."
Kathryn
hadn't wanted to laugh then. Chakotay had been so completely deadpan that the
EMH had merely raised an eyebrow at being bested at his own game. It wasn't
long after that that baby Miral was rushed into sickbay with one of Tom's chess
pieces stuck in her throat.
Kathryn
placed
An hour later Kathryn was finished.
Kathryn was
tired. Her day had been long, and this afternoon after lunch with Chakotay and
the way he kissed her left her thinking too much about it, and consequently
drained. Tara hadn't helped, but
Only then
Kathryn walked back to the lounge area where Chakotay was still fast asleep.
She allowed her thoughts to focus on what happened this afternoon and
B'Elanna's recounting of their meeting in Engineering. Chakotay had been
studying the logs and she had known he would have questions, especially about
Seska...all the things that were kept out of official logs. Chakotay's own
personal logs... Kathryn sighed. She didn't want to go there... He had deleted
everything pertaining to New Earth...
Chakotay
lay on his stomach, his hand trailing on the floor. He wore only his boxers,
something he favoured to sleep in. Most times...he wore nothing. He had not
bothered to cover himself with a blanket, nor got an extra pillow. It was so
like him that her heart contracted for a second as she bent down next to him
and caressed his hair, his cheek, her fingers gently resting against his lips.
She rose
again and returned a minute later with a light blanket and pillow. He was not
going to sleep with her in their bed. Not tonight and probably...she sighed.
She needed him, needed the strength of his body, needed to spoon herself
against him and inhale his maleness, dreaming....dreaming of their
lovemaking
and his love before she drifted into sleep.
"Kathryn..."
he murmured her name, then he shifted to lie more comfortably and gave a deep
sigh as he turned his face away from her, facing the backrest of the couch.
Kathryn rose slowly, remembering belatedly that she hadn't had anything to eat.
She removed her jacket, throwing it down on the bed as she walked to the
bathroom. Half an hour later she felt better after a shower. On lazy evenings
she always relaxed in the tub Chakotay had made for her and installed in her
bathroom. Her mouth curved into a gentle smile at the memory of the many times
they had made
love... Shaking her head, she tied the cord of the burgundy dressing gown a
little tighter round her waist and walked over to the replicator.
She ate her
dinner in silence, cocking her head to listen to the slightest sound that came
from
She heard
him groan again and rushed from the table to kneel at his side.
"Chakotay...."
she whispered. She stroked his cheek. He had turned again and was facing her.
His eyes flew open suddenly and fixed on her concerned face.
"Kathryn?"
"Shhh...it's alright, sweetheart. Sleep. You were dreaming, maybe.
Rest, please..."
Chakotay
groaned again and held his head, his face drawn in pain. Kathryn rushed to the
bathroom and returned with a med-kit. Seconds later she filled a hypospray.
"I
don’t want - " Chakotay still protested but
Kathryn held him gently back. "Doctor knows you haven't had any medication
today, and no injections, Chakotay. You need this..."
"Kathryn,
it makes me more sick..."
Kathryn
looked at him for such long moments in which her eyes misted over that he
responded with:
"What...?"
"You
always said that, did you know?"
Chakotay
tried to sit up and she helped him to a sitting position, seating herself next
to him but in such a way that she faced him. She lifted the hypospray to his
neck and one familiar hiss later, the injection was administered.
"Thank
you..." he said stiffly, aware of her nearness.
"No
problem, Chakotay. I did say you should hail me any time you felt the need
to."
He looked
at her and knew she was referring to his conversation with B'Elanna, and he
couldn't miss the slightly accusing tone to her voice. He knew she might have
resented that he went to another person, even if that person was B'Elanna
Torres. But he got what he needed to know from her. Kathryn's eyes got a
shuttered look, one that a moment ago had misted over with tears.
"Seska
was always between us, wasn’t she, Kathryn?" he asked quietly. Kathryn
looked away, but he pulled her closer to him and held his finger under her
chin, forcing her to look at him. "Wasn't she?" he asked again.
"It's
over, Chakotay," Kathryn said quietly.
"Some
things lingered, Kathryn, and I can't remember them. I need to know them..."
"There
has been too much...pain..."
"For
me?" he asked.
"For both of us, Chakotay. I - " she
paused, her throat suddenly thick with unshed tears. She wondered absently why
now, when Chakotay's memory was gone, he needed to understand all the pain and
heartache that accompanied their union right until
She felt
him draw her closer to him. Her instinct was to stiffen, to withdraw, but his
touch had been gentle, not threatening, and with a soft sob she curled herself
into his embrace.
Some twenty
minutes later she had no recollection of Chakotay lifting her in his arms and
tucking her in her bed. She had fallen fast asleep resting against his hard,
assuring chest, like she had done so many times in the past. On her side of the
bed the cover had already been drawn back. Kathryn had stretched out her hand
to his side and for a moment Chakotay experienced a pain in his chest. She was
like
Chakotay
walked back to the couch and wondered how he had the discipline not to take
advantage of his wife who in those moments looked so completely vulnerable and
desirable.
***
The sun
shone today, laughing down as dappled rays on the forest floor, and kissing the
stones and branches that lay in the clearing. In the clearing the river widened
into what he could only call a very large pond, and deep enough to swim at
least fifty metres to the opposite bank. He found this spot only days after
their arrival, and after a two hour trek through the forest.
The river was
flank by boulders on both sides, and Chakotay lay on a large flat rock that he
thought the spirits created just for him and Kathryn. She had laughingly
christened it "Breakfast Rock" after he hauled her with him one
morning to share in his find of the largest rock pool on New Earth.
After that, whenever the weather was pleasant, they made the trek to Breakfast
Rock to have breakfast. By the time they reached the clearing and the pool,
they had worked up an appetite.
Breakfast
Rock...
The first
time he made love to Kathryn, it was on Breakfast Rock.
Now
Chakotay looked down where Kathryn was stretched out, in languid enjoyment of
their togetherness, allowing the balm of the sun's rays to kiss her creamy
skin. She was beautifully naked. His breathing stopped every time he just
looked at her, like now. He
exhaled carefully, then swallowed
some air again.
Kathryn was
lying on a blanket, her head propped against a cushion and her hair fanned
golden bronze about her face. She had her arm draped lightly across her face to
shield her eyes from the sun but he could see her lips, watch the way her
eyelids flitted. Here, in their
"You're
staring, Chakotay..."
"You
know..."
She shifted
only slightly, the movement so subtle that the colours around her also became
alive. Her skin was creamy-white and in the late afternoon sun the combination
of her bronzed hair, her red lips, the fawn-coloured blanket, and the dark grey
of Breakfast Rock and her blue-grey eyes that stared so dreamily at him, became
an impression of textures.
"You
remind me of a painting...an old 16th century painting..."
"Like
Tintoretto?"
How did she
know?
"Er...no,
more like Titian, perhaps. Danaë dreaming in her bronze tower..."
"And
you are Jupiter? Chakotay, sweetheart, I'll have you know, their women were
fleshy..."
"But
erotic, way too sensual not to inspire so many painters to eternalise women in
the nude..."
"I am
erotic?" she teased, "and sensual?"
"Taut
skin, yet soft to the touch...a combination of infinite possibilities of
softness and hardness, light and shade, changing colours and textures that move
as the light falls on your hair..." he carried on, stroking her thigh, his
fingers tracing lazily from her hip down to her inner thigh.
Kathryn lay
still, and he knew just how she enjoyed his exploration of her body. He felt
her move and her skin tingled under his touch. Chakotay smiled inwardly,
sensing victory. Out here, in the open, they could lie naked and never concern
themselves with decorum or rules that belonged to a life they no longer yearned
for. After breakfast this morning they had made love and Kathryn... He groaned
at how totally free and generous she was with her body. He claimed her in such
a primal way and
they never noticed how the birds suddenly fluttered from their trees when two
human voices in the throes of their lovemaking cried out and their cries
mingled with the morning air. Like that Kathryn loved making love with him.
They were rarely in the shelter on his bed or hers. It was always somewhere
else, on a bed of soft grass or leaves, next to Kathryn's precious tomato
patch, or here. He had that feeling after the first time they came together
here, that she needed to endorse her final shedding of her reserve, a moment in
which she sobbed afterwards in his arms, crying and laughing that she was free,
and do it in a place which bore no official markings and protocols of bed,
walls, darkened rooms...
Kathryn
turned lazily on her side, bracing herself on one elbow, and gazed at him. An
open regard, Kathryn was utterly oblivious of her nudity and in total harmony
with her surroundings. Her eyes were... Chakotay felt the stirrings of
anticipation, the prospect of now and later... He gave a contented sigh.
Tonight in
their shelter, she would be the cat, victoriously clawing and biting her way
all over him, but now, sweet Danaë purred and he was the shower of gold come to
seduce her. Her eyes became soft pools of heaven in which he could lay dreaming
forever. His heart thundered and he drew in his breath sharply. Sometimes,
Chakotay wondered who was the conqueror and who was
the vanquished. Kathryn could melt him with her eyes... His fingers splayed
possessively over her warm centre and he watched with barely concealed ecstasy
how her eyes closed slowly and her breathing became shallow, low gasps.
"Hmmm..."
He became
bolder, bending over low to brush his lips against her belly. When he
straightened up again, he was not surprised to notice how aroused he had
become. But Kathryn invited, it was sweet Danaë who beckoned him to join her
and become one with her. Her breasts were perfect, pink aureoles he had suckled
time and again during foreplay, and which drove her wild with sensual frenzy.
He pressed her down on the blanket, the knowledge that in the next few minutes
the birds would again flutter nervously from their boughs only fleeting as he
groaned and positioned himself between Kathryn's thighs and merged his flesh
with her in a slow, smooth movement in which Kathryn moaned her approval. She
was heated moist which spilled around his flesh and he groaned loudly with
satisfaction. His palms cupped her face
and all the while that he moved in her, he kept his eyes on her and watched the
emotions play on her expressive face; like the colours of Titian's Danaë in her
tower, Kathryn's face became alive. He knew the moment she would come and just
before he drew painfully to his climax, he gave a shuddering sigh; when Kathryn
screamed, his own cries joined with hers seconds later.
"I
love you, Chakotay," she breathed some time later, her eyes still
smouldering with passion. Chakotay was far gone himself. He pulled her up with
him and hugged her tightly.
"Love
of my life..." he whispered against her hair.
**
"Race
you to the other side!" he challenged Kathryn days later as he stood on
Breakfast Rock and prepared to dive into the pool.
"Oh,
no, you don't," Kathryn yelled, then pulled him
back. A second later she executed a neat dive into the water, mindless of the
coldness of it and started swimming strongly.
Chakotay
dived in after her and soon
he was alongside her. A few more strokes and he was ahead. "See you later, sweetheart!" he shouted
before kicking faster and sculling like mad. When he reached the other side and
stood up in the water, he was surprised. He couldn't see her. Where was Kathryn?
For a moment he panicked, then Chakotay felt himself
pulled under.
"Hey -
!" He choked and splashed about.
When Kathryn came up, she laughed brightly at him. For several minutes they
splashed and played until Kathryn dunked him again.
"That's
for not making love to me last night!" she complained loudly when he
recovered, but his recovery was short-lived.
"Oh, yeah? Come here, you little vixen," he threatened.
His arm
shot out and he caught her, pulling her closer to him. The sun caught in her wet
hair and her hair flashed golden sparks. Her eyes had gone soft again - soft
and mysterious and warm and smoky all at once. The water glistened on her skin,
and from her parted lips water droplets hanged precariously like little
pear-shaped diamonds before lazily plopping down.... Kathryn was sensual woman,
eternal mystery that baffled men through the ages. Chakotay was stunned into
silence, dazed for a moment, just gazing open-mouthed at Kathryn standing in
his embrace in more than a metre deep of water and all he wanted to do
was...spread her legs...
A deep
growl grew in his chest as he bent low, gripped her buttocks and lifted her,
sinking her down on his waiting rock-hard member. Chakotay groaned as her warm,
moist folds welcomed him; her arms gripped his neck for support. Then Kathryn
smiled - a
slow, brilliant, triumphant smile that joined the brilliant, triumphant gleam
in her eyes.
"I
love you, Kathryn," he said gruffly.
For the
next few minutes he thrust in her, riding her so sweetly that she cried until
she climaxed.
**
"Do
you ever think of Seska?" she asked him that night, lying in his arms and
idly tugging at his chest hair.
"No..."
"You
loved her?" Kathryn asked, her head lifting slowly so she could look at
him.
"Maybe. In the beginning. When I met you, I knew about
love, honey..."
"But
she made a baby with you, Chakotay," Kathryn persisted.
He sighed.
When he turned on his side to face her, he said, "love...there is pain in
giving, Kathryn. Seska stole from me what I would gladly share with you a
hundred times over, in the flesh, Kathryn."
"Do
you think of the baby?"
He sighed
again. Sometimes Kathryn was persistent.
"It's
going to be my son, Kathryn. He - he should be born by now...I
think."
"I'm
sorry, Chakotay. You can't know how sorry I am..."
"That
I turned to her when you - when you...." He found himself unable to voice
it.
"Rejected you, Chakotay. You - you wanted to marry me; you loved me and
I - I took off like a hunted doe..."
Chakotay
pulled her so that she lay on top of him, her legs straddling him. He looked
deeply into eyes that suddenly clouded over with worry.
"I
love you, Kathryn Janeway. Our life is here, on New Earth. Love of my life....
Don't - don't crucify yourself..."
Then he
kissed her gently, his lips lingering infinitely softly on hers. He felt the
tears sting behind his eyelids and before he could prevent himself, he gave a
sob and cried.
***
Always, he
could see in her eyes whatever mood took her at any moment. On those golden
days on Breakfast Rock there were never any shadows, or odd turbulences that
disturbed Kathryn's equilibrium. She would have that peaceful look in them in
her quiet moments when he knew she wanted to be alone, and both valued that they
could give one another the breathing space that they desired. The blue-grey was
tinged then with flecks a little darker. Kathryn would not speak for hours but
he knew that she was at peace.
Her eyes
laughed on most days; the day she acknowledged that she would be spending her
life on New Earth, her eyes bore resignation in them, and then later, the
resignation turned to acceptance, and acceptance turned to joy.
"Because, I am not alone, Chakotay. You are here, my rock."
On other
days she would be sad, and he knew she'd be thinking of Voyager, her vessel and
her crew and he sensed she'd wonder how far they were on their journey home. On
those days he simply sat with her on Breakfast Rock and stroked her arm. He
never did more than stroking her arm, and she always appreciated that his
understanding lay in his heart and his nearness alone. On those days her eyes
changed to a dark grey colour that gradually became lighter as the sadness left
her.
Today he
felt uncomfortable in his uniform. He wondered if Kathryn felt it too. They
hadn't worn it since they arrived here, and had never, after a while, even
thought about it. They were standing together outside their shelter, ready to
be beamed to Voyager. But it was not the uniform that made his heart feel like
it was going to break into pieces and become fodder on the floor of their love.
Their idyll lay there in fragments that will never quite come together and be
healed again. They were waiting to return.
Voyager
came.
They were
leaving.
Kathryn was
leaving.
He saw it
in her eyes. She did not need to speak. The old shadows were there, and if he
had given himself any credit for being able to know her intimately and
understand Kathryn, he should have known the shadows were never really gone.
They had just respectfully shifted away for a brief time to allow her the
freedom with which she could liberate her mind and her body and her soul and
love Chakotay with all her heart.
Now,
Voyager was going to claim the love of his life; her vessel was going to assimilate
Kathryn Janeway into her bulkheads, all ship's systems and the chair on the
bridge, and turn her into Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship USS
Voyager. It was an entitlement that came back in Kathryn's eyes and made her
dwell again on Earth as Home, and New Earth as home away from home.
For here,
on New Earth, he had been her equal. Perhaps more than that.
When they
sat in their chairs again on the bridge of the ship that belonged to Captain
Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay would be again Commander Chakotay, First Officer. The
role of consort would be one in name only, with none of the privileges of
uniting bodies, and never of joining hearts.
He knew
with a sickening dread deep in his being, that their
Even as he
stood next to her and stole a glance at her, Kathryn Janeway moved slowly away
from him. Further and further away she floated. She became a haze, a grey blur
that receded into the distance. Chakotay reached out a trembling hand to bring
her back, his eyes begged for mercy of her return, but the blur deepened into a
dark mist which even concealed the moon.
He wanted
to call her.
Come back,
my love.... Come back, my love....
"Kathryn...love
of my life... don't - don't leave me, please... Come
back to me..."
Still, the
moon was gone and night deepened.
"Love
of my life..."
He touched
his face and realised his cheeks were wet. Did the mist do that? Someone was
shaking him and calling his name. He tried to drift back through the fog.
"Chakotay...Chakotay,
wake up...wake up, please.... You're dreaming..."
Chakotay
slowly opened his eyes, struggling to focus. He was drenched in sweat and
Kathryn was looking at him with deep concern in her eyes.
"Kathryn...?"
He touched
his cheeks. They were wet...
"Shhh...
you were dreaming, Chakotay. It's okay..."
"Dream?"
"Yes..."
He tried to
think, tried to gather the fragments of the dream Kathryn spoke of.
It was a
thick fog, an impenetrable fortress that trapped his memories behind grey
walls.
He tried
again. Nothing. His body started rocking; his
breathing was erratic.
"Chakotay?"
"I
don't remember what I dreamed, Kathryn," Chakotay said, his voice trembling
as he started to hyperventilate. "I don't remember, Kathryn!"
"Chakotay..."
He held his
head in his hands and rocked, only vaguely aware of Kathryn's arm round his
shoulder.
"What
do you feel, honey...?
He stopped
rocking and stared at her with wild eyes. The words burst heatedly from his
lips:
"There
is a chasm, of - darkness and - and no moon.... I feel - I feel deep, deep
sorrow.... Why, Kathryn? Why am I feeling so indescribably sad...?"
She
couldn't answer him, but her eyes filled with tears as Chakotay began rocking
again, whimpering incoherently:
"Oh,
dear God, help me..."
***