INJASUTI
CHAPTER TEN
He wanted to get out of sickbay, away from the doctor's prying eyes, from Lessing who looked at him with unabashed admiration and from Sam Wildman who couldn't stop deferring to him. What did they think he was? A saviour? He hadn't done a single thing that Kathryn wouldn't have done for him had he been the one who needed saving. No more and no less.
It was nothing. Yet, it was worth it. If that sounded like a contradiction, then all contradictions be damned. He was sick of fawning, of responding to hails from a crewman or officer wanting to know how the miracle man was doing.
He had to get away. The moment Lessing and Wildman were relieved by the EMH, he saw his chance of escape. The doctor had given him a glance, flicking open his tricorder, humming while he checked his patient.
"There. That should do. Another two hours before I'll discharge you," he said absently before he shut the tricorder and headed for his office. Chakotay plucked off his commbadge and stuck it just inside the cleft formed by the pillow and the bed. When he looked back, he realised that the EMH had gone off-line.
Still dressed in a Starfleet issue hospital gown, Chakotay left the sickbay quietly, and padded barefoot towards the first turbolift.
"Commander?"
"What are you looking at, Ensign?" he barked. "I'm going to sleep in my quarters. If you speak of this to anyone, that would make me very unhappy." His words caused the poor ensign to scurry away down the corridor.
When he reached his quarters, he began to think how Kathryn had found him lying on the floor, how she must have been sick with worry that he almost died. He blanked out that look, telling himself that it was only captainly concern that put it there in the first place. He felt much better anyway, the intense pain that he’d experienced in his chest now gone. He flexed his ankle, satisfied that he could move it without any discomfort, realising that he had just made his way from sickbay to his quarters without thinking about it.
Ten minutes later, he was dressed again in a clean uniform. Kathryn, he knew, would only see him later that day, according to the EMH. They were due for their meeting with Emperor Scipio. Scipio was going to surprise Kathryn. He was looking forward to seeing her reaction.
Right now, he knew, she wasn't going to come looking for him. The senior officers were on bridge duty, he surmised, with Seven probably in Astrometrics. Kathryn was most likely in her ready room.
Leaving his quarters, he made his way back to the turbolift, his thoughts again on her. He recalled lying in sickbay and opening his eyes to see her worried look. He recalled the touch of her palm against his cheek, the thrill that coursed through his body. A warmth unlike the pain he suffered earlier had spread through him. It had been worth it, he had told her. When her worried look and concerned touch remained just that, he knew with a sickening feeling that whatever he did, what he did for her, would never be reciprocated. What did he expect? It was selfish to expect anything, he knew, for that would diminish to unimportant the heroism which he displayed today.
The heart was something different. While he could die selflessly because his mind told him to, his heart wanted something in return, however small. It screamed for something, something out of the ordinary, something out of this world, something that would make the sentiment of 'it was worth it' worthwhile. That something was not in the way Kathryn had touched him in sickbay.
He had known it would be like that, that her reaction would be tempered by the boundaries and unseen walls behind which she remained protected. He had always sensed it, and that was why Kiridis and Torres had been given strict instructions to shut their mouths about the true nature of his contribution in the rescue operation.
The doctor told him not to indulge in heavy physical activity. It wasn't that he felt like doing anything physical anyway in order to organise his thoughts, to put into perspective the events of the day, his part in it and most importantly, his feelings. Voyager needed her captain back; his own needs paled compared to those of the many - her crew, the people of Injasuti. He had been right when he told Emperor Scipio, "My needs are irrelevant; they drown in the face of my ship's needs…"
What he wanted to do was something else, something that would connect him to himself, to his inner voice. Perhaps not so much meditation but a place, one in which he could breathe in the peace and let all the anger, the anticipation of disappointment flow from him. A place where he could once again return to the man for whom a touch, a look, a smile had been enough, not accompanied by the hope which burned like a bright flare inside his heart so fiercely that he collapsed because of it.
He was so deep in thought that seeing Ensign Mulcahy in the transporter room gave him a jolt. With a grim smile, he realized that his subconscious mind was already directing him to a place. Did he have any choice? The decision was taken from him by an inner force he couldn't fight, nor did he wish to fight it.
"Out," he told Mulcahy who gaped then closed his mouth before he took a few reluctant steps towards the exit of the room. "I meant out," Chakotay barked. "And one word to anyone…" was enough to make the ensign scurry out.
Once Mulcahy was gone, Chakotay rounded the control centre and entered the co-ordinates, timing the transport to start once he stood on the platform. It felt good to experience a sense of disassembling before his corporeal body materialised at exactly the spot where he wanted to be. It was early morning on Injasuti and already people were making their way about the city. He stood in front of a building near the Emperor's Palace, just a metre away from the prayer nook. How long ago was it that he had seen people standing at these places of worship? So much had happened since then. So much.
The alcove was ornate, in the architectural style of ancient Earth mosques and temples, the arc adorned with bas relief - men and women worshipping, images of animals, warriors riding chariots, even what to him appeared like cherubs and seraphs. Chakotay moved closer, just inside the archway and instantly he was overcome with a sense of peace that swept through his body. Inside the alcove was a small stand that extended from the inner wall, on which stood a metallic bowl containing water. He hadn't asked the Emperor or Hamilcar Bakchan what the procedure was for entering into meditative prayer. He knew intuitively to scoop water with his hands from the bowl and splash his face lightly. Against the wall was also bas relief. Chakotay blinked as he gazed at it, then blinked again and again as he shook his head. It seemed to him the picture changed before his very eyes. He could have sworn it wasn't there when he entered. Now, looking at the raised image, it was the eyes of Kathryn that stared at him. At first, the image appeared like his father, then the Emperor, now Kathryn. Shaking his head again, he covered his face with his hands to wipe the water away. Then he held his palms up in front of him, his eyes focusing on Kathryn's image. Thus began his prayer…
O Spirits, let me not fly up in anger from her whom I most desire. Infuse me with peace, acceptance and selflessness. Let me love her with all my being, to the very ends of the earth. Yes, let me love her in that way but let me not demand from her anything in return. O Spirit, lessen this desire in me, for I am only human enough to wish more. Awaken in me a spirit of greater giving, even as my very heart cries for her. Make me not selfish, or speak where it is not asked about my part in her survival and that of this world.
On and on Chakotay spoke in wordless entreaty, his gaze on Kathryn's face, hardly aware that her image changed to moments in their lives when they made memories together, from their first encounter to the last. He pleaded with the spirits to make him accept those memories and to take them with him into the afterlife. They were times of joy, times of sadness, times of comfort, times of hurt and times of togetherness. Fervently he asked that they all remain embedded in his mind.
It was not something he desired beyond himself to understand, for his soul already understood. The last image was of Queen Khaira, whose eyes shattered in the realisation that she had killed a child, calling his name, looking so beautiful that his heart could not contain the fullness of it and broke.
When he stopped finally, he slowly became aware of his surroundings for his prayers, turned inward to his very depths, caused the world about him to grow dim. It was as if he woke up from a deep, dark and wondrous dream to find himself in the light. For several minutes, he remained quite still, frowning. What peace he prayed for, what acceptance he entreated, what selflessness he desired, seemed missing, eluding him for his soul was still not at rest.
"This is strange," came his thought, "that I do not feel nourished…"
He turned round, troubled by these feelings. The light from the twin suns was in his eyes. Someone stood there, someone waiting to use the prayer nook.
"Chakotay…"
"Kathryn?"
"We must speak, Chakotay," she said softly, moving slightly to the left so that he could see her. She looked sad, he thought, and it was a sadness that seemed to touch him too, to join with his own restlessness that would not leave.
"What do you mean, Kathryn? It will all be in my official report," he replied.
"Please, could you walk with me where we can be private?"
So he followed her, or walked beside her. Her stance was official, yet her bearing spoke to him more deeply than the red of her uniform. Once or twice she cast him a worried glance and each time he flinched at the look in her eyes. There were many more people around them, he discovered. During his meditation, he had not been aware of any other humans. Now they appeared curious, one or two even following them. He couldn't smile, couldn't even speak a word. Neither did Kathryn. But it felt to him that the eyes of those following them were curious. They knew of Queen Khaira, he realised, and by now they also knew that during the Queen's induction, the child of Isabella called Irezah did not die but was saved by the star travelers. What else were they wondering about? wondered Chakotay. Soon though, they left the inquisitive throng behind, so that he heard only their own footsteps.
Kathryn stopped in front of a dwelling. He gave her a querying glance.
"It is the home of the brother of Livia Gaiden."
He did not know Livia Gaiden, but followed Kathryn inside, where the lounge was cool. A window was open and the see-through drape adorning the window fluttered ever so slightly in the light breeze. They were alone.
"Don't worry, Chakotay. Ishmael has assured me that we'll be private. He has taken his wife and two sons to their house by the Lake."
He nodded. She sat down on a large couch, indicating that he sit down too. He hesitated before settling on the single seat opposite her. It was very quiet in the house, yet inside him storms were brewing.
"What do you want to speak about, Kathryn?" he asked, folding his hands together. He kept his eyes on her. The sadness still lurked in her eyes, and he wondered if it was because she thought she might have killed the little girl. By now she must know that she hadn’t. He had left them all in sickbay before he headed for his quarters.
"I…was Queen Khaira…" she began.
He thought how beautiful she looked then and for a fleeting moment he closed his eyes before opening them again.
"Yes. You didn't kill anyone. You are Kathryn Janeway. The child is alive."
"Her name is Irezah and her mother is Isabella."
"I know. It is over now, Kathryn."
There was silence that hovered about them after he spoke. Her hands wrung together and he thought she was nervous. She gave a little cough.
"It isn't, you know?"
"Kathryn, I - "
"I know nothing of what happened when the unseen wall is breached."
"I deactivated it. It had to be done. You would have done the same for me."
Kathryn sprang up from the couch with a jerky movement and walked to the window, turning so that she could look at him.
"That's just it, Chakotay. You're doing it again - downplaying your own contribution to saving me…saving Injasuti…"
"Kathryn, we are here now as Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay, your First Officer. In a couple of hours we are to speak with Emperor Scipio as the command team of Voyager. Injasuti will be in a process of reconstruction after we leave. That is all, isn't it?"
She closed the distance between them, standing a metre in front of him. He rose to his feet. She looked beautiful, her cheeks flushed and angry.
"I listened to the report of Lieutenant Marcus Kiridis."
"So?"
"Then I called him to my ready room to question him about the many holes in it."
"What?"
"The truth, Chakotay. Why are you so afraid of it?"
"Did you twist Kiridis's arm?"
"In a manner of speaking. Chakotay… Evidently you made Kiridis and B'Elanna promise not to tell me anything more than I needed to know. Why did you extract such an unfair undertaking from them? " Kathryn move even closer to him. Her eyes were moist. "I know the truth, Chakotay."
He turned away from her, to get away from her eyes that followed him, those wet, sad eyes that threatened to undo him.
"You know the truth…that I literally broke my heart and bled my hands walking through the force field? So if you know, why continue this…this inquisition?"
He knew it was unfair to her, just as it was unfair to demand Kiridis and Torres report nothing of why he really did what he had done.
Kathryn gave a small sigh of impatience.
"I have read the poem by one Appian Rai, great poet of the second century in Injasuti history. He was named for the great historian Appian I of Alexandria, who witnessed and recorded the destruction of Carthage. I know what you had to do to neutralise the force field and why only Chakotay of Voyager could do it. Shall I tell you the words, Chakotay? The few lines of it which have stuck in my memory in the last hour or so like a repetitive tune that won't leave?"
He swung quickly, to gesture that she not repeat the lines.
"No, Kathryn…don't…"
She forged ahead. He was too late as she began…
But lo! Our gracious queen be freed
by fealty, and him whose heart
forever joins with her…
For only then, once barriers are laid waste
and gone forever, shall a warrior
someday, someday, break the spell
that binds her to her laws.
"Dammit, Kathryn…"
"Not the ancient laws and queens of Injasuti, but Kathryn Janeway. Those words spoke of Kathryn and Chakotay. Your loyalty, your heart that joins with mine, your love that must break the spell that binds me to my laws. Just what did you have to do to bring down the impenetrable unseen wall? One that has killed thousands of Injasuti over the years? What did you do?" she asked.
"Kathryn, don't ask me…please…"
"I have to know the truth from your mouth. I must hear it from you if we're to heal together or I shall never, as long as I live, find any rest. I need to know…"
Emitting a deep sigh, Chakotay sat down on the couch and buried his head in his hands. He felt suddenly tired, tired of fighting, tired of the restlessness, tired of unfulfilled meditation, tired of everything. He had entreated the spirits passionately to make him selfless in accepting that all he'd ever be to her was a friend. She knelt down before him and pulled his hands away from his face, lacing her fingers through his. The gesture alarmed him. Her eyes were filled with tears, although she did not weep. He frowned, a little perplexed at the way she held his hands, if…as if…. Ruthlessly he cast away any thought of possibilities, wondrous promise that would ultimately not deliver.
"Please…please…"
What could he tell her? How to begin? Or where to begin? Not sleeping for almost forty eight hours until he stood drunkenly in a turbolift trying to move? Worrying about her and terrorising the crew because she wasn't there, possibly gone from his life forever? He missed her, not for Voyager, but for himself. His words, My needs are irrelevant; they drown in the face of my ship's needs spoken to Emperor Scipio - how long ago was it now? seemed empty, full of bravado, belying his longing for her, his extreme worry that she'd be lost to him forever.
Was it Kiridis and Torres approaching him and telling him that he was the only one anywhere on Injasuti whose god given task and duty it was to bring down the unseen wall forever? According to them, and what he realised himself later, it was faith that was unseen to break down something that couldn't be seen. It was the only way. Was it possible that such attempts had been made in the past? He had wondered then whether they had spoken the truth. They had stared straight at him, not budging until he relented. That was after he himself had read the poem with the prophetic words. The words jumped at him, piercing his soul, for were they not the truth? It was as if all matter of space and time moved away and only he remained with the words of the poet. Fealty or loyalty, love everlasting that would lay to waste all barriers between them. He wasn't sure about those invisible barriers, but he believed with all his heart that from him, within him, all that he ever felt for her - loyalty, devotion, love so powerful that his heart remained on a constant dull ache - were broken when he entered the invisible realm of his spirit guide.
He shook his head remembering his quest, standing in front of the force field with his palms almost touching it. He visited old foes, new foes, visited agonies unparalleled and anger unbridled when he lost everything he had held dear. He revisited his regrets, then new regrets with her, Kathryn, who would become the reason he would get up every day and breathe. Begging his spirits for reprieve, for release from his anger, his pain, his regret, for the peace of knowing her… He did not have to be forced to do what he was doing, for didn't he wish it with his whole being anyway? To free Injasuti from her bonds and free Kathryn from hers? Never had he given any thought that what he was doing was extra-ordinary, that he sought fame and fortune, a good name, the title saviour to advance his ego. None of those things existed in him then. All he knew, sensed, felt intuitively, was that Kathryn needed him, that he had to rescue her.
His hands had bled from the intensity of his quest and his heart broke. He could see his hands even now, bleeding, smudging Kathryn's hands and dress, even though he felt no pain. But it was the journey into his darkest soul, those depths that no one knew of, not even Kathryn, that was the anguish compounded a hundred times. It was acknowledging to himself how he could not exist without Kathryn, how he would be loyal and devoted, how he would love her forever, how he could not help himself anymore, loving her.
He’d done it for her. No payment. No reward. He didn't want any…
Where was he dwelling?
"Chakotay!"
When he opened his eyes, he realised that he had spoken aloud what he believed to be his thoughts. He stared at Kathryn, bewildered at his own admission and the tears that stained her cheeks. He noted absently how white her knuckles were as she clutched his hands in hers.
"That is the truth I know, Chakotay."
"Then you need not be afraid that I will make any de - "
"Now," she cut into his words, "you must hear mine…"
"K-Kathryn?"
She rose. Not releasing his hands, she sat down next to him, close to him. His heart thudded from her nearness. Why was she doing it? What did this mean?
"Look at me, Chakotay…" She spoke the words with a little sob escaping her. When he turned so that he could face her, his heart stopped. He could only see her as he had on the platform, indescribably beautiful with her head dress that seemed out of this world. He shook that image away from him, to replace it with the face of Kathryn of Voyager, Kathryn, his captain, his friend, to bring him back to reality.
"When I was transported here," Kathryn began, "I was so ill, I only woke two days later. A young handmaiden called me Eminenza…Queen Khaira. I was told that I was a genetic match for the dying Queen Toreth, that the Procurator brought me here, to Injasuti, to the Place of the Weeping Water. I was to be inducted the next day as Queen Khaira by Supreme Commander Afzhal Serinius. I hear he is dead now, killed by a young man called Kephtah…
"Anyway, I wanted to be taken to my people immediately. My commbadge had been recalibrated to the frequencies of Injasuti. I realised that Voyager would never hear my emergency calls, to beam me out of there. Voyager would not hear it, nor would my ship be able to penetrate the force field. I became increasingly frantic that Voyager would never reach me in time…"
She paused, trying to organise her thoughts. A tear fell on their joined hands. She lifted her face again to him. "All that time I was awake, whether I was eating, talking to Hanim, the handmaiden or Livia Gaiden the Palace Housekeeper, or Kephtah or Queen Toreth, I thought of you, Chakotay. Every waking moment was spent with you at the back of my mind, and sometimes right at the forefront. I kept thinking: when were you coming for me? When will you rescue me? When will my Warrior come charging to me on one of the white horses of the Great Plains of Injasuti? Then I thought of the times I’d touched your hand, rested my palm against your cheek, smiled at you when I was filled with joy, shared an anecdote and playfully kissed you. I thought of those times I crawled to your quarters to be comforted because a crewman had died, or we lost a battle and I couldn't fight anymore, when I lost hope. I thought how you would give me solace, speak in those soft tones of your voice on which I'd come to rely.
"I thought how I’d never imagined what drawing so much strength from you had done to you. How I'd taken my first officer, my best friend, my mentor and moral compass for granted. I thought how I had taken and never given. I missed you so much then, so much because finally, I had to admit to myself that I loved you. It wouldn't go away, that love. It was telling me to be brave. All I had to do was be courageous and let those barriers you spoke of, go. I kept thinking that I'd tell you of my feelings just as soon as you came for me, because you had to know of them, you had the right to know…"
There was another pause. Kathryn watched how Chakotay's face began to change, to soften from the hardened warrior who was ready to be disappointed again, and to absorb that disappointment by dismissing his own heroism. His eyes softened; they were beginning to fill with hope. Her heart soared.
"You know," he whispered in a hoarse voice, "that I would walk beside you always."
"Yes, Chakotay." Kathryn gave another deep sob, her shoulders shaking. She felt herself pulled into his embrace and his shoulder become a welcome resting place. "I fought Afzhal Serinius to the very last. When he couldn't beat me, I knew the moment I was going to lose. His palm came up. There was something attached. I knew that if you didn't come, I would be on Injasuti for the rest of my days, a slave to an ancient ritual. I was frantic, calling your name…your name… I wanted you there so badly… After that, there was so much pain. I tried desperately to cling to all my memories of you, everything we ever shared, every touch and look. That last time on the bridge, when you smiled at me… I wanted to cling to that even as the memory began to fade in the waves of pain. I was lost…"
"We were there, Kathryn, ready to deactivate the force field. Those times you speak of, we were already on Injasuti, setting plans in place to rescue you…"
"Then, I heard your name…It was what brought me out of the trance. Your voice, Chakotay…" Kathryn buried herself deeper against him. "I love you…" she whispered.
She wept for several minutes and when she stopped finally, he held her away from him. He thought she couldn't have looked more beautiful than with her cheeks tear stained, her eyes no longer so sad, her lips no longer ready to voice her denials.
"I stood at the prayer nook," he began, "to ask that I become selfless in my needs, to accept that my love for you would never be reciprocated, to continue to love you. I wanted peace, to calm my restless soul. When I finished my meditation, I felt for the first time unfulfilled, that my soul was not nourished. I couldn't understand it…"
"Because you still needed to hear my story, beloved…" she answered truthfully, a tender smile breaking through her tears.
"Yes…that's it. I cannot breathe without you. It was worth it, you know, saving you, saving Injasuti…"
Suddenly Chakotay hauled her back in his arms, his shoulders shaking roughly with the force of his emotions. Later, when he calmed, he cupped her face, her parted lips ready to be claimed by his. He groaned as he kissed her deeply, her willing mouth opening under his, the contact causing blinding flashes. It was a lingering, passionate kiss which finally ended, when he couldn't breathe anymore.
"My love…" he whispered, feeling the old ache in his chest from just looking at her.
"I love you, Chakotay. I shall never forget what you have done for me."
Later, they rose from the couch and stood ready to leave the dwelling of Livia Gaiden's brother.
Kathryn's commbadge beeped.
"Torres to Captain Janeway."
"Janeway here, B'Elanna. Report."
"Captain, I have the co-ordinates you requested."
Kathryn removed her tricorder and flipped it open, ready to download on B'Elanna's instruction. Seconds later, she closed the tricorder.
"Thank you, B'Elanna. Janeway out."
"Well, what was that all about?" Chakotay asked as he moved a stray wisp of hair behind her ear.
Kathryn's expression was sober.
"Queen Toreth has a three year old son, Aidan. He lives here in the city. B'Elanna found him."
"And you wish to see this little boy first before we go to the Emperor?"
"Would you mind very much, my love? Aidan was removed from his mother at birth, and his father most likely murdered by Afzhal Serinius. He is without parents, cared for by a woman Afzhal appointed. I must give him a message from his mother."
Chakotay knew there was more to Kathryn's request. His heart ached. Her joy would be his.
"Please," she continued, "I would - "
"Kathryn, darling, I am going to love that little boy like he was my own son."
Her eyes widened, then filled with tears as her lips trembled. He wanted to haul her in his arms again and assure her that anything she desired, he would too.
"You understand…"
"More than you can ever know, Kathryn. I understand…"
"Then shall we go and meet Aidan?"
Chakotay thought of Seska, how she had deceived him. He thought how she had died, leaving behind a small baby now cared for by its father, Maj Jal Culluh. He thought how Kathryn had been prepared to lose her ship to save the child when they thought it was his son. He felt the stirrings again, of belonging, of caring, the excitement growing in him. He touched her cheek in a tender caress.
"Let's go and take Aidan home…"
*****
END CHAPTER TEN