JUST
KATHRYN
A
Companion piece to "Someday, Kathryn"
vanhunks
Disclaimer:
Rating: G
Summary: From Kathryn Janeway's perspective; she reflects on the woman she has become. Set mid-fifth season.
JUST KATHRYN
The first time I saw your face on the viewscreen, I knew that I wanted to
change the world. I knew that I wanted to smell the roses, and watch the dawns,
with the sun a disc of flaming red rising over the hills of my home in
And for a few wondrous and breathtaking moments, I forgot that I was Captain. For a few seconds, suspended in timeless space - a capsule in which only you and I existed, I felt that exhilaration of letting go of me, and shed the cloak of my other person. I was then just...Kathryn.
But I had a task. I made a promise. I had a vision. I had a goal. That goal was called home. Then, home was what? A dream, a memory? And while I became immersed in my task, while I became beset by obsession, I forgot that I could share my dream, share my hopes, my pain and frustration, my agony. I believed that I could do it alone. I wanted to do it alone. And in doing so, I forgot that on this lonely odyssey, one person's dream, one person's endeavour, one person's hope is not enough. Not nearly enough. I forgot that hopes and dreams and yes, even fear could be shared. I forgot about that particular joy. I did not think to come to you and say:
"Help me. I can't do this on my own."
As the years went by, Kathryn disappeared slowly, cast off by Captain. Kathryn went into oblivion while Captain Janeway surfaced more and more and more. Kathryn lost compassion and Captain Janeway became dispassionate. Kathryn forgot her humanity, while Captain Janeway rejoiced over her and cried victory.
If I thought to search for Kathryn, where would I find her? Would I find her
in the little shelter of our own
You thought then that you lost her. That she died. And when you cried her name, it was more the echo over the years I heard. You searching for Kathryn, because you lost her, because she died. That has become your crying metaphor. You lost and all you found was...Captain Janeway.
I wanted to tell you then how how much I cared, beloved. I wanted to tell
you, sailing on
I know the looks of the crew I passed in the corridors. No longer do they stop and linger and engage in conversation. I have forgotten how to encourage them to be open. So they greet, nod, and go on their way. I am affected. The hard person I have become can no longer find that connection. So they revere me, they fear me. Alas, I can see they respect me out of...duty. I know the answer lies within me. Yet...I am afraid. Of what, you may ask?
Of losing myself. Of letting go. Of becoming soft and warm and compassionate, lest it detracts me from my goal. Of being humane when all I can be is hard and unbending. When all I am, is Captain Janeway, she who must be obeyed, whose orders must be followed. Who gains respect born not out of love, but out of fear.
In trying to be Kathryn, I feared losing sight of my objectives. In trying to be Kathryn, I feared losing respect. In my endeavour to guide this crew, Voyager became my ship, and not my home. The crew became my crew, and not my family.
I am alone.
I am lonely.
I need not be.
When did I stop being Kathryn? When a doe-eyed man looked me in the eyes and said: "I am a sentient being and deserve the right to live?" When I wanted my two crewmen back? When a young woman asked me: "Who made you God?", or when a young man looked me in the eyes, his own so full of pride, said: "I had a vision, Captain"?
And all this time, while trying to find Kathryn, I forgot you are still there. I forgot that I could break the ties that bound me so tightly to my cause, and find you. I forgot that I could trust you, confide in you, trust my crew. I forgot that I could put my faith in you, that you would never let me fall. That you would always be there to catch a falling Kathryn, that you would always be there to share my burdens. That I could cry: "I can't do this on my own" and know that you would be there to help carry me. I forgot your promise that you will lift me up high, and never let me go.
Yes, I am Captain Janeway, starship captain par excellence. But where is Kathryn Janeway? The woman who could see the universe in a single molecule? The woman who once could see the stars in a leaf, who could see the beauty in all things? The woman who could let a crewmember cry against her shoulder? Who could listen with her heart and soul? The woman who could look at yellow daffodils and wonder about a greater Power than we could imagine? I know that you believe that the woman in me has died.
When I look in the mirror, I see a cheerless leader. I see the lines of bitter detachment in my face. I see someone else.
I want to look at you and remember your touch. Look into your eyes and see promises of rainbows; look at your mark and remember the tales and legends you told me. I want to touch your face, and feel the beating of my heart, feel its rhythm, the warmth spreading through me and know that I am alive. I want to feel again the thrill of breathless anticipation; feel your arms around me, holding me close. Hear your voice in soft whispers saying:
"I am here, always."
I want to see you and remember all that I ever wanted to be, that all that I want to be now, is just...Kathryn.
That is why I come to you, Chakotay, and tell you: "I can't do this alone. Help me." That is why I come to you Chakotay, to ask you to help me find myself.
I need you.
I don't want to be lonely.
I want to be just...Kathryn.
THE END