IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager, Janeway, Chakotay.
PART FIVE
The present.
Kathryn was sitting up in bed. Chakotay had been amazed at the rate of her recovery. Their daughter had been the miracle worker as he had hoped. The translucence was still there, as if Kathryn could break any moment, but she looked much better than the previous day, the old strength returning.
Now Kathryn looked calm, serene in the face of what she had been telling him, although it was clear to him that her uncertainty rested mainly in the fact that she hoped he would believe her. Still, it was a beginning and Kathryn had been very open to share with him now the things that she had been so afraid of telling him then.
"I want to tell you everything, but if – if…"
"Take your time, then, sweetheart," he assured her. "I'm here, and I'm listening with all my heart."
Her eyes had lit up at the endearment. And now, after telling him about that first medical on Voyager which she had been so reluctant to take, it gave him a terrifying insight to Kathryn's trauma, and the secrets she had held so close to her heart.
"Elizabeth is very beautiful, Chakotay. I'm proud…glad you brought her. You have raised her well. She – she is so small…"
"She has always been small. Dainty, like her mother. She sprouted her first tooth when she was six months and took her first steps when she was eleven months…"
Kathryn's eyes were alive, then suddenly they went dull again. He cupped her cheek, still so sunken.
"I'm sorry you couldn't be there for her milestones. She never did connect with Sarah. Sarah… Before we left Dorvan I sent her packing, if you must know."
"Seven of Nine came here often. It's very hazy for me, trying to remember who kept a vigil. I – must have called for Elizabeth many times…"
"I came as soon as I heard, to bring your little girl back to you."
"Annika said she would assimilate you if you didn't bring my baby home. I know I don't deserve – "
"Stop right there, Kathryn. No talk here about being undeserving, okay? You deserve her and it was your right to have her. Your right. What happened, I'm only now beginning to learn to understand. But Elizabeth is your little girl, remember that always."
"Seven said she hoped to appeal to your sense of reason."
"I was very angry, you must know. I wanted to send Seven away, but then I kept thinking of Elizabeth. After a year, Sarah lost all interest in her…"
He remembered his anger, mostly directed at himself then and his pride at not bringing Elizabeth back to Earth and plead once again on her behalf that Kathryn accept her.
"Sarah… Later, Chakotay, I will tell you about her…"
Kathryn's words had a tone of sadness, a lonely, gloomy sadness. He covered her hand quickly when he saw she was becoming distant again, staring out the window. Then she turned her head to face him. Her eyes were clear of the ravaging fever and the pain he saw in them on the first day.
"I'm okay, don't worry so," she comforted. He felt relief surge through him.
"Elizabeth is happier than I've ever seen her, Kathryn, thanks to you. It's been only three days but she's already so attached, as if Sarah never happened."
He had taken Elizabeth away from Sarah who had remained on Dorvan still hoping that he'd validate their partnership. Sarah whom Seven, after just one meeting with her, called an unworthy mother.
Elizabeth had been brought in again to see Kathryn and the child had been talkative, and kept to touching Kathryn mostly. She had wormed in under the blankets and snuggled up to her mother and then the two of them looked at him.
"Papa, we are going to live in In-Indi-ana…"
Her face had been animated and Kathryn's bore an air of nervous expectancy. He had given a sigh. Kathryn was still overwhelmed by the news that Elizabeth was to stay as her daughter, to be registered with the name Janeway. It had been her most heartfelt desire to see Elizabeth and, according to Seven of Nine, had kept murmuring Elizabeth's name in her delirium.
Now he was the one who desperately wanted to be part of the package, only if Kathryn said so. He had come to bring the child to her, then leave again.
"Can I come with?" he asked, keeping his eyes on Kathryn.
"Of course," Kathryn had replied, but her voice had been soft, a question in them. He had taken her hand in his, squeezed it reassuringly. He would remain with them as a guest on the farm and then leave for Dorvan V. There was no question about it: Elizabeth belonged with her mother.
Now, the child was with her grandparents again who had delighted in taking her visiting the shopping districts in Louisiana.
"Velocity," he told her softly, "was the start of a very good friendship."
"It was. You made me forget my woes, many times. I began to sleep more peacefully, had fewer nightmares…"
"The doctor," he said, knowing how sensitive the issue was, "he didn't ask you again about it?"
"No. I…became paranoid about that aspect of my history, you must understand…"
He couldn't keep his eyes off her. Her hand rested in his, and this time she was supported by a mound of pillows. Her hair was no longer so listless and matted against her skin, and even the alabaster translucence was less pronounced. With his free hand he smoothed her hair from her face. Her breathing was no longer so ragged, so pained, such an industry just to get in air. Then he brought his hand up and kissed the back of it. He couldn't help it. He was losing himself in this woman, again and again.
"But it impacted on what happened years later…"
"I was not a very good model for pending motherhood."
"You were afraid."
"Of wanting you and not wanting you..."
Kathryn smiled wanly. He knew what she was thinking. The night they made love. Everything had been so wrong that night, not at all the right circumstances for passion to flare.
But it did. His hand tightened around Kathryn's fingers and the years rolled away to the beginning of their seventh year in the Delta Quadrant…
****
He entered her cabin after he heard her soft "enter" and was instantly cast in darkness. It reminded him of too many times she had hugged herself in this gloom. He knew her intimately, if being very close friends could merit such a knowledge of another person. Always attentive to the changes of mood in her, he had readily attuned himself to measure that mood or to offer her what comfort he could.
Most times it had just been his presence she needed. Now, her silhouette appeared aloof, yet he sensed her agitation, the nervous energy with which she twirled the glass in her hand. Something had disturbed her hard won equilibrium after their last encounter with yet another hostile race. Voyager had taken extensive damage and only now, after months, settled into normalcy again.
He sat down next to her, noticed the bottle of cognac on the coffee table, the tulip glass tilted towards her mouth.
"I don't think I've ever seen you drink cognac," he said as he touched her glass.
"Get a glass. Help yourself," she invited, not looking at him, staring into the golden liquid.
"I don't like – "
"It's once in a million years, Chakotay. You said yourself. Misery – "
"Loves company…"
"I don't do this all the time…"
"I know. It's so out of character for Kathryn Janeway, right?"
"Chakotay, how well do you know me?"
"Well enough to know my best friend is hurting at this moment. What's up, Kathryn?"
He couldn't see her face clearly, and damned it that she remained in darkness.
"Nothing."
Her voice was slurring. The contents of the bottle was a third of the way through. He took the tulip flute from her, a move that was met with some resistance.
"Come on, Kathryn, that's enough, don't you think?" he asked, bending down to retrieve the PADD he only now saw, lying halfway under the couch. "Are you going to tell me?" He handed the PADD to her.
There was a long silence, but one in which Kathryn threw the PADD down next to her, placed the tulip glass on the table then sat back, resting her head against him. Sighing, he put his hand around her and pulled her closer.
"I got Mark's latest communication…"
Mark got married. She had been overwrought at the time they received the first messages from home. He wrote intermittently, mainly to inform her of new developments.
"I guess what he said is the reason for…this?" He pointed to the cognac.
"They have another child…" It was said so softly that he strained to hear her words.
"Their third."
"Make love to me, Chakotay," Kathryn breathed against his neck, her arms going round him. He felt the old, old passion rise in him, his deep affection that had long crossed the barriers of friendship.
"Kathryn…"
But she clung to him, refusing to let go. His resolve was breaking, he knew, but Kathryn wasn't rational.
"I am rational, Chakotay," she murmured against his mouth, and he realised that he must have voiced his concern. "Feel me…"
He grabbed her hands that were beginning to roam over his body, held her away from him.
"Listen to me, Kathryn. You're upset. You're hurting, but this is not a way do deal with it, please…"
"Do you love me?" she asked suddenly.
"I love you, yes. But I can't – "
"Make love to me?"
"You're intoxicated."
"I know what I feel," she said, breaking loose, throwing herself against him. "Please, I ask this once only, Chakotay. Make me a woman, make me feel, want me…"
"You will regret this in the morning," he whispered as he succumbed to her softness, the smell of her hair that he had wanted to run his fingers through for so long.
She raised her face to him, her eyes wild with desire, the heat of the wine gone. She gave a sob.
"I don't want to be lonely tonight, Chakotay."
With a soft cry he lifted her in his arms and through the darkened lounge found his way to her bedroom.
Kathryn was soft and pliant and almost too untrained, he thought with wonder as he began to remove her clothes slowly, giving her time to stop, to tell him she didn't want it. But Kathryn had been equally industrious as she helped him out of his, tugging impatiently. He felt the deep groans starting from the pit of his stomach, reaching his throat. Kathryn was heated, passionate and when she lay naked, pulled him over her. He thought he saw a tear roll down her cheek as she welcomed him.
It had been mind-blowing for him. For Kathryn? He had time to wonder during their lovemaking what her life with Mark had been like, for she had been struck with shyness at first, her eyes glowing suddenly in the wonder of the orgasm that ripped through her. He couldn't help thinking that she had been surprised by the force and passion of her reaction. Had she never before had an orgasm? Once she had broken through her own reserve she had been unstoppable, wonderfully responsive, loving him with total abandon.
Yes, she had been generous, so generous in her loving and all thoughts that he didn't want to take her because she was inebriated, fled because her eyes were open most of the time, her gaze on him as he began to love her. He had been overwhelmed, too dazed with passion and when he reached the point where he thought he'd die, cried out his love for her.
Afterwards, he thought it was what he heard her cry out too. He had remained with her the rest of the night, enfolding her in his arms, kissing away her tears, waiting 'til she drifted into sleep. They woke up once during the night and this time, it was he who initiated their lovemaking, because he couldn't get her out of his mind and heart and the stupendous explosion they experienced. He wanted to taste her again, wanted her softness and heat and love. They kissed, deeply, for now he knew Kathryn was sober and that when they exploded and crashed over the edge, it was because she wanted it as much as he wanted it.
Sober?
They had been drunk with passion.
When he woke up in the early hours of the morning, he kissed Kathryn again softly, not waking her. Then he dressed quickly and left her quarters.
After that he couldn't stop thinking about how there were no more barriers between them.
**
"Chakotay…Chakotay…"
He frowned heavily. Who called? Kathryn?
He opened his eyes, embarrassed when he found Kathryn watching him. But there was no teasing in her smile. Instead, it was a sad smile.
"You were gone there, Chakotay…"
"The night we made love," he said, pulling himself back from the memories of that night.
"I know. I wanted you, you know. I want you to know now, I always wanted you, wanted to wake up in the morning feeling your body close to mine."
Then he watched as her face creased with great pain.
"Kathryn, what is it?"
"I must tell you my story, so that you understand why I let my baby go."
He pulled her into his arms, stroked her hair gently.
"Whenever you're ready, Kathryn. Only whenever you're ready…"
**********************
END PART FIVE