Noëlle

(A Christmas Story)

by

vanhunks

Rating: PG
Code: J/P

Warning: Mushy! Very mushy!

DISCLAIMER: Now, if I could climb that mountain... My story is on the other side of it.

NOTE: This story and series is set somewhere mid seventh season, and before Tom and B'Elanna married. It implies as well that all events following are therefore AU, and the events non-canon. Please do bear with me.

These stories are hosted by vanhunks

SUMMARY: It's Christmas eve and Kathryn and her daughter Noëlle prepare to spend it alone.

*

NOëLLE

Despite the biting cold outside with icicles hanging from the eaves and the moon's golden rays reflecting prism-like flashes from them, the room was bathed in the warm glow of the fire. A wind had started up, and the thin whistle-like howling as it played with the branches of the trees was the only sound that broke the silence of the night.

Kathryn Janeway had been standing at the window and turned away from it to look at the room. This year she had added the stockings for the first time. She gave a shrug. One stocking really, that was pinned to the mantelpiece. Red, with white piping. Real Christmassy.

In a corner stood the little tree. No flashy huge trees, but just a small, sedate one.

She smiled. Noëlle had helped her with the decorations tonight and her small hands fumbled with trimmings and colorful baubles and stars, little sleighbells and Santas and tiny candy-striped canes. The child's face had been flushed with excitement, and Kathryn had thought Noëlle was coming down with a fever.

"The angel, Mommy! Can I put up the angel?" she had asked. Her eyes were shiny and her naturally red lips and rose cheeks moved into such an engaging smile that Kathryn lifted Noëlle up in her arms.

"Right at the top, Mommy!" Noëlle exclaimed as she held the angel. The little toy angel had a long white dress, the arms were folded across her chest and her wings were unfurled.

"Right here, sweetheart," Kathryn cooed indulgently as Noëlle reached for the top branch where Kathryn had already fixed the little base for the angel.

They had stood away from the tree to look at their handiwork. Noëlle had sucked in her breath and looked wide-eyed with parted lips when the lights were switched on. Kathryn thought how like an angel Noëlle herself looked. She wore along nightie and she was barefoot. Kathryn hadn't minded that. The room was warm enough.

"Mommy?"

"Hmmm?"

"When a star twinkles, does it mean that another angel got his wings?"

"You've been watching the golden oldie again?"

"Uh-huh..."

It figured. Clarence got his wings.

"I just saw a star twinkle, Mommy," Noëlle said as she placed her hand in her mother's.

"Honey, it's a little bell that rings."

"O."

Kathryn looked at her daughter and smiled. There was so much trust in Noëlle's eyes as the child stared at her mother, Kathryn hadn't the heart to tell her of meteors and exploding stars on this night.

This evening.

As if the child had read her thoughts, Noëlle said,"Tomorrow is Christmas, Mommy."

"Yes, sweetheart. You know that. You'll be - "

"Four years old! On Christmas day!"

"Yes, that's why - "

Kathryn was interrupted again by the excited child who picked up one of the presents that had been carefully placed under the tree.

"I'm called Noëlle. I know, Mommy."

Kathryn waited. Her little girl wasn't finished.

"And then Grandma Gretchen will come and wish me happy birthday and happy Christmas!"

"Oh yes?" Kathryn had played along.

"Uh-huh. And Grandpa Paris - "

Kathryn felt her heart thud.

"Grandpa Paris will come and say, 'Where's my grandchild'?"

Two down...

"And Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

Noëlle's eyes had lost a little of their shine and Kathryn scooped the child in her arms. She heard the muffled words, "Will Daddy come tonight? Like he promised?"

Kathryn had sighed, pressing Noëlle closer to her. She sat down in the large easy chair in front of the fireplace. The child's arms had clamped around her neck. Noëlle's blue eyes rested on her mother, an expectant look in them. Kathryn felt a burn in her heart. There was so little that made this child happy, and to see her father was one of her highlights. She had his blonde hair and alarmingly blue eyes.

"Honey..."

"Will he come, Mommy? For my birthday and for Christmas?"

How could she answer Noëlle without hurting her little girl? She was too young, too young to cope with disappointment and broken promises. Kathryn had sighed again and kissed Noëlle's forehead. The child fingered the locket round Kathryn's neck. A golden locket with Noëlle's picture on the left side. The other side remained empty. Another source of a stream of questions she had had to field whenever Noëlle tried to open it with her clumsy little fingers.

"I hope he'll come, honey. But sweetie, don't be sad if he doesn't, okay? It means that he was just held up..."

Kathryn cringed as the tears welled in Noëlle's eyes. She smoothed the stray strands of hair away from her daughter's face.

"That means he won't come and bring me my present and kiss my cheek and say happy birthday..."

She had rocked Noëlle while she had kept staring unseeingly into the fire, its glow warming her face.

Oh, dear God...it's Christmas eve and my daughter is unhappy. She longs for her father...

Kathryn bit back a sob, then put Noëlle down.

"Sweetie, you play and read your books while Mommy gets some more things ready for tomorrow, okay? Then it's sleepy time."

Noëlle had recovered momentarily at the mention of books and she padded to the tree where her mother had placed a selection of her favorite fairytales. Minutes later Noëlle was engrossed in fairies and princes and princesses and dwarfs. Kathryn smiled tiredly as she started tidying up and getting things ready for the next day. Only her mother and Admiral Paris would be guests. She had tried not to think too much about Noëlle's father. If he didn't come, it was just too bad, a fact that she had to accept.

When she finished and walked into the living room again, Noëlle was lying on the floor fast asleep. Kathryn picked her up and carried the child to her small bedroom. Noëlle stirred when her mother tucked her in.

"Mommy?" she asked sleepily.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Doesn't Daddy love me anymore?"

Kathryn's heart bled.

"I'm sure he does, Noëlle."

"Then why can't he stay?"

Because he can't, my darling child, and we have to keep on hurting you in the process.

"He has too much work, sweetheart, and he travels too far..."

"But - "

"Shhh... sleep now. Mommy will sing for you..."

The sleep had already overpowered Noëlle and her drooping eyes soon closed completely. Kathryn had breathed a sigh of relief and left the room quietly.

**

It's Christmas eve and I'm feeling miserable, Kathryn Janeway thought where she had still been standing at the window. My daughter will be four years old and her only wish is that she have her father here.

I shall have to tell him tonight. I can't do it to Noëlle. Kathryn fingered the locket. Tom had given it to her when she had her birthday in May. That was the last time Noëlle had seen him. His messages and vid-com communications were too few and far between and every time Noëlle had been in tears for days afterwards.

Oh, Tom...Tom... I'd rather you not come here anymore. It's harder for Noëlle to recover after each visit. She's eating your crumbs.

Kathryn walked to the armchair and sat down in it, staring reflectively at the crackling flames. It had not been easy, and she understood from the very outset that Tom could only at best give the little he had been able to give. Their night of passion when he had been so distraught and inebriated and miserable because he could not get her out of his system led to the little miracle that was lying asleep in her room. They had both succumbed to the attraction between them. But in the bright light of day, Tom had been remorseful. He was engaged to be married. A day later he had married B'Elanna. Two days after that they were home in the Alpha Quadrant. A week later she knew she was pregnant. How could she keep that knowledge from Tom?

How, when, in the throes of his passion, he professed his love for her? She had believed him then, believed that they were finally acknowledging what they had so long denied themselves.

But B'Elanna, girlfriend, fiancée, soon to be wife, stood in the way. Kathryn could no more come between them than expect Tom to leave B'Elanna. Tom had broken down when she had informed him a month later. It had been a difficult decision to make, but one she thought Noëlle deserved. Her daughter deserved to know that Tom was her father.

So, in spite of the pain of leaving him in peace, she raised her child in the knowledge that Noëlle had a Daddy who loved her. He had not been present at Noëlle's birth. He couldn't be, and she understood that. She expected nothing, demanded nothing.

That Christmas morning... She had never been so happy and so sad at the same time. She had never felt her heart so full of the wonder of the birth of her child on Christmas day, and at the same time the terrible emptiness and loneliness she knew would be hers and her daughter's forever.

Tom had not seen his daughter sprout her first tooth, take her first steps, say her first words. Yet Noëlle loved him without condition. The few times he had been here - she was certain it was always without B'Elanna's knowledge - their daugher had been so attached to him. And to see the two of them together.... Kathryn's heart contracted with pain. Noëlle always clung to him, making him tell her stories, laughing and playing games with him. And Tom... Oh, dear God... He loved Noëlle, and when he had to leave later in the evening, his face was always so drawn, so unsmiling. For a few precious hours then Tom had been happy, and Noëlle in the clouds.

But always, Tom had to leave.

She understood that. A little girl of three didn't.

"Tom," she told him one evening when Noëlle was about six months old, "I wouldn't mind if you had Noëlle for a few days..."

Tom's instinctive reply had been in the negative.

"I - I don't think it would be such a good idea, Kathryn. You know that - that..."

He had stammered over the words. She understood. Tom and B'Elanna's marriage wasn't blessed with children. She suspected B'Elanna hadn't wanted children, or she couldn't have any. Either way, Noëlle would have been a reminder. She didn't blame B'Elanna, however much she knew it hurt Tom to turn down her offer. It couldn't have been easy on the engineer, knowing that the man she married fathered a child by another woman - his commanding officer at that. It still rankled with B'Elanna, and Tom's marriage to her so soon after he 'strayed' was seen by her as some sort of peace offer. That was despite the fact Tom remained deeply loyal to his wife and cared very deeply about her.

Tom had never touched Kathryn the few times he came to visit. She had given him no encouragement and understood that his need to connect with his daughter had come before their own feelings. So over the years she had taken a back seat while Tom got to know Noëlle. Although, Kathryn could swear, the old chemistry was still undeniably there.

She loved him.

Yet, that was her precious knowledge that she had to keep from him while she watched him come for a short visit, leave again a few hours later.

Then it was reparation time with Noëlle. Time after time. It had become more and more difficult as Noëlle got older. She felt worn down by the constant attempts to appease a small child who couldn't understand that her Daddy had to leave again. She had to deal with Noëlle's acute disappointment, her unhappiness afterwards and yes, Kathryn admitted, the child's growing angry outbursts.

Tonight, if Tom came - if he came - she had to tell him what she'd been fighting so long not to do.

Stay away from us, Tom. For my own sake and that of my child. You don't see her tears. I do. You don't see her tantrums. I do. The little you give is not enough. Go to your wife and stay. Save yourself the effort and the pain...

"Oh, Tom... It's the night of goodwill and peace. My child needs her father with her always. One who'll stay the night and every night..."

Kathryn wiped her brow in a tired gesture. She looked at the decorations, the tree, Noëlle's Christmas stocking. Tomorrow Owen Paris would dress as Santa and sing for them. They would he happy for a few hours and by the time Owen Paris had to leave, he wouldn't be able to keep the compassion from his eyes. Kathryn dreaded that moment. Nothing would be spoken between them yet everything was said. There were many gifts for Noëlle, and the child would be happy in the early morning just tearing off wrapping and seeing what she got and from whom.

Then her eyes would get that look. Just like earlier tonight when Noëlle had planted the angel at the top of the tree. A tiny bell had jingled and in that moment, as Noëlle had become quiet, Kathryn knew her child had made a silent wish.

"Oh, darling Noëlle," Kathryn whispered, "you'll not get what you really desire..."

Kathryn jumped up and went into Noëlle's room. The child was sleeping peacefully, her little fist tucked under her cheek, the other arm flung carelessly over the coverlet. Kathryn leaned over and kissed Noëlle's soft cheek. When she sat back again, there were tears in her eyes.

**

He had entered quietly, using the codes Kathryn had given him so long ago whenever he wanted to see Noëlle. Now he stood at the entrance to his daughter's room and watched as Kathryn lay next to her on the narrow bed.

Both looked tired. It was already after twelve - Christmas, he thought with a grim smile - and Noëlle especially couldn't keep awake. He hadn't wanted to disappoint Noëlle again. He didn't want to remember the sad look in his daughter's eyes that would haunt him for weeks on end. And Kathryn...

Tom sighed. She never spoke, never made any demands on him, and her quiet grace whenever he visited unsettled him more than he let on. He knew what she felt. There was that unspoken agreement between them, yet it was so tangible, the air felt thick with it. One touch, one smile and he knew he'd not be able to keep from kissing her. It was Kathryn who always rigidly maintained that distance between them.

He felt miserable and at the same time extreme joy. He had known in the last months that his visits here had become unbearable for Kathryn and particularly Noëlle. He was a visiting parent, worse off than most fathers who had access to their children, and he could see the gradual breakdown in Kathryn. She was going to tell him to keep away for their sakes rather than having him keep trying to break himself getting here and staying only a few measly hours, hungrily enjoying the presence of his child and the woman who was her mother.

A woman whom he cared about.

He had never made any promises. He could never. He married B'Elanna and that was that. He was bound by a pledge he made to B'Elanna and which he honored when he married her.

What he and Kathryn shared...

It gave him Noëlle. Born on Christmas day. He didn't have the privilege of seeing Kathryn give birth to their daughter. And B'Elanna...

The times Kathryn suggested Noëlle stay with them a few days, B'Elanna had been cranky and moody. He felt the old tug of sympathy. It wasn't easy for her, he knew. She would see a baby, a toddler, a little girl who resembled him, if he had to believe his father. Noëlle was her reminder that he transgressed, and though B'Elanna wouldn't speak of it, he knew that it hurt her.

Now he stood at the crossroads.

Since Kathryn had informed him that she was pregnant, he had been torn to pieces. He was married and his hands were tied. And so the years became endless periods in which he struggled to be two things: B'Elanna's husband and Noëlle's father.

He loved B'Elanna, God help him, and Kathryn? How could he not care for the mother of his child? He wanted to stay here, and he wanted to stay with B'Elanna. What did that make him? What? B'Elanna had left him with little choice...little choice. He felt swept under a tide of guilt and at the same time the complete if wholly undeniably happy feeling that he could be here, in Kathryn's home without...without...

He gave a sigh. He was happy.

I am happy. I am here. I'm here...No regrets...no regrets...

The last time he had been here - on Kathryn's birthday - both had been so happy to see him and when he had to leave, the atmosphere was so different. He had taken Kathryn into his arms for the first time since the night they made love and he cried bitterly.

Tom had seen the tree as he came in. The same little angel perched on the top branch and beneath the tree lay stacked all the gifts, mostly for Noëlle. She got double of everything. Four years old and big enough to start asking pointed questions about his role in their lives.

Tom moved forward into the room and touched Kathryn's should gently. Her eyes opened suddenly, as if she had been trying to keep awake and caught sleeping. She stared at him for a few moments then rose from the bed.

"Tom..." she whispered, "you came..."

He took her hand and led her to the lounge, but not before he touched Noëlle's rosy cheek, a lingering, hungry look in eyes that feasted on the sleeping child.

"I promised I'd come, Kathryn," he replied as they stood near the tree. She had taken her hand from his and now her hands were at her sides. Tom heard her soft intake of breath.

"Noëlle will be so happy to see you, Tom," she said softly. He shivered slightly from the cold outside and he moved to the fireplace where he rubbed his hands to get some warmth in them.

He looked at her, his face aglow. The flames were very low and Kathryn moved to put another log on the fire.

"And her mother?" she heard Tom ask. She avoided his gaze, not wanting to know that in an hour or two he had to leave again. She had noticed his gifts that he placed under the tree. It was the biggest.

"And her mother?" Tom repeated, then he pulled her up to face him.

Kathryn's eyes were clouded as she looked at Tom Paris, the man she had loved for so long. He wasn't hers. He didn't come as a beautifully wrapped gift for her. She could look at him and feed off that little attention in the coming weeks. That was all she could hope for when what she wanted... She sighed. What she wanted...

"No miracles tonight for me, Tom. Please, could you just let us enjoy the short time we have with you? It's all I ask for myself and for Noëlle - "

"Daddy?"

Tom swung round and saw Noëlle standing a little uncertainly in the door of her room. She was on the point of tears. The sight of her made his presence here, the overpowering sense of guilt worthwhile. Little Noëlle stood there, her eyes tearful, yet she looked ready to eat him up. The joy rose in him, shutting out the pain, the image of a lonely Klingon woman somewhere...somewhere... Tom smiled at Noëlle and her small face broke into a bright, relieved smile.

"Noëlle, sweetheart, come here..."

"Daddy!"

Kathryn looked as Tom scooped his daughter in his arms. Her heart felt heavy. If she listened hard enough, she'd hear the pealing bells heralding Christmas. But seeing how happy Noëlle looked... Her heart sank. Tom kissed the child, nuzzled his lips in Noëlle's neck and blew bubbles which had the child squealing. When they came up for breath, they eyes were shining.

"Happy birthday, Cupcake..."

"Daddy, I'm Noëlle. You gave me the name, Daddy!" the child crowed happily.

It had been the only request Tom had made when Kathryn was pregnant and she knew it was to be a baby girl.

"Tom..."

"Yes, I gave you the name, Cupcake - "

"Tom, please..."

Tom looked at Kathryn. He knew she wanted to know what time he'd leave again. She wanted to be prepared.

With Noëlle wriggling to get down to look at the gifts he brought her, Tom looked at Kathryn. He held on to Noëlle's hand and pulled Kathryn into his embrace.

"Kathryn, I - " he started, not knowing how to phrase it.

She waited and Tom was certain he could feel how her heart thundered as he held her close to him.

"Kathryn, I'm here to stay...that is, if you two will have me..."

There was such a long pause that Tom felt a momentary fear, but it passed when Kathryn opened her mouth.

"Always?" Kathryn whispered, the lump in her throat causing to swallow painfully.

"Always, Daddy?" Noëlle echoed her mother.

Tom kissed Kathryn, then he looked deeply in her eyes.

"Yes, darling, for the rest of our lives.

*

END

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