Disclaimer: Paramount owns Janeway and Chakotay. I own this little vignette.

Rating: G

Summary: Short reflection by Chakotay on the woman Kathryn Janeway has become. Set mid-fifth season.

Someday Kathryn, you will forget that the sky was once blue. You will forget that yellow daffodils could make you wish for days of golden sunshine. You will forget that you could see the universe in a single molecule. The world will pass you by, with all its wonders, all the promise of red dawns. All the promise of hazy evenings you could walk along the shores of the lake, hand in hand with your friend, your beloved.

Someday Kathryn, you will forget you had friends, you will forget the men and women who were close to you, who wanted you to take some time out. They are men and women who wanted you to remember that you are a woman with a heart, a soul. They wanted you to remember that more than wanting to take them home, that you could find the simple pleasure of their company. That more than wanting to claim the ship as yours, and the crew your people, that you remember that the ship was your home and the crew your family. More than wanting to die for you, to remember they want to live for you.

Someday, Kathryn, you won't be able to expiate the guilt that consumes you, that corrodes your being. You will forget that you have loved ones right here on this ship, who want to share that burden with you and make it a little lighter to bear. Someday, you will forget your very words you uttered so long ago: we are a family and the community of pain binds us as a family.

Someday, Kathryn, you will forget the things you and I once shared. You will forget that once a warrior pledged his undying love, his undying support and devotion. You will forget the moments we shared, when we thought there was no world that could separate us, that nothing could keep us apart. When my fingers laced through yours on that fateful night we shared our innermost feelings, without utterances of love, you will forget that those would be but dross blowing away in the wind. You will forget I held you in my arms, and comforted you when all around us the storms raged. You will forget the exquisite moment you held the first of the little tomatoes born from your hands and fingers, and held it to my lips. You will forget the moment your fingers touched my lips and you closed your eyes, wondering how you could let the moment last forever.

Someday, Kathryn, you will lose one by one the respect you once commanded from those around you. You will forget that you were once human, soft and warm, amiable and willing to be what the crew wanted you to be: their guide, their stay.

We have traveled thousands of light-years, braved almost insurmountable odds, met wondrous and strange peoples from strange new worlds. Yet all of those have melted away from your memory, and all that is left is a hard shell that once was Kathryn.

Someday, Kathryn, you will understand these words, when all that we do, we do out of duty. When all that we are, we are out of compassion, when all that we were, will be no more.

For you have become someone else, Kathryn. Someone I don't know. Someone who walks the corridors of this ship and no more stops by to talk to this officer, or that ensign. You have cloistered yourself away from us, out of guilt. You live in darkness and let darkness be your guide. You think you are alone when you are not. You think that this decision or that decree breaks down and chips away inch by inch at your resolve to remain strong. So you fight not your guilt, but let it conquer you. You fight not isolation, but let it master you. Your fight not your loneliness but let it drive you to become hard, resolute, implacable, feared.

Someday, Kathryn, I would like you remember the woman you once were. Remember New Earth and the peace that settled around you, remember that you almost died once, and I cried holding your still body in my arms. Remember that we went sailing and drank champagne.

Yes, someday I would like you to remember that you are a woman, Kathryn, and not just Captain. For now, my Kathryn, I don't see what you once were. I just remember. You have changed so much, I hardly recognise Kathryn under the skin of the Captain.

Someday, Kathryn, all you will be, is Captain Janeway.

That someday, Kathryn, as I see it, I have lost my beloved.

That someday Kathryn, is here, now.

How did you find this short story? Let me know.

[Back to Start Page] [Biography] [PTfanfic] [JC FanFic] [JP FanFic] [Carey Wildman] [StarTrek Poetry] [E-mail : xkhoi@iafrica.com]