PART FOUR
The last month had been a difficult one for Kathryn Janeway-Greaves. Four weeks passed and still it all seemed so unreal to her. The New Arlington Memorial Grounds looked particularly green, almost hurting her eyes as she stared into the distance, the sun reflecting the deep lush of the lawns. Her father had been laid to rest here as well as other members of her family and those of the Paris family.
Owen Paris and Horatio Greaves, her husband, had been buried here within days of one another, Owen Paris, who had died instantly, and Horatio, who couldn't hold on to life as he struggled to stay alive. Funny how some accidents happened on routine missions, she thought. A short trip to Athol, just outside Earth's solar system, to confer with its president and it was all over. She had rushed to Athol and despite the most advanced medical technology, Horatio's injuries had been too severe for him to pull through.
Kathryn shook her head again at the memory of Horatio dying, his last moments not for himself, but for her and Greer.
"I love you, Kathryn," he gasped near his end. "I've always loved you. I know and even accepted that you couldn't love me in the same way. But you have been so good - "
"Horatio, don't leave us…please…" she had pleaded, her fear of once again being left behind so close to the surface. "We have Greer, we have a good life…don't die…"
But Horatio had looked at her, his eyes weak, the light in them dimming, his chest gurgling ominously. He tried to shake his head, a movement so feeble that tears had sprung into her eyes. She held his hand in hers and when he had tried to lift his head, it had fallen back, the moment exhausting him. It was minutes later that he had spoken again.
"I'm so sorry, Kathryn. I can feel this world is no longer my home. Take good care of Greer for me…"
"She loves her daddy, Horatio…. I don't know if I can - "
"She will understand, our Greer. She is smart like her mother. Ask her…" Horatio gasped, his breathing low, erratic, almost gone. "Ask her not to hate me too much…"
"Oh, God, Horatio! You have been our only constant. I know it hasn't been all good, but you were there for me when I needed you most."
"Sweet, sweetest Kathryn… You cannot know how you have fulfilled my life. But I am ready to go and so are you…"
His words had startled her.
"Horatio? What - what do you mean?"
Horatio, so tall, almost too thin, thick browed, with his sunken cheeks. Those who saw him always assumed he was ill, but that was the way he looked. He was as healthy as a horse. Yet the kindness was in his deep-set dark grey eyes. He had loved her for a long time and six years ago, when she had made the decision to break with Chakotay altogether, he had asked her to marry him. She had asked him to wait, that she needed some time, some space. That time had come during that last summer in Venice, when it had all become too much for her - the lies, the deception, the personal betrayal, hurting a man's wife and daughter by just being in his life - everything became too much for her to bear. It had been a hard decision to make, but for her own sanity, her own preservation, she needed to do what was the right thing: to let Chakotay go.
She had been content with Horatio. They had a beautiful little girl who adored her father and who would be shattered by his passing. In the beginning she had thought that she would never be able to keep Chakotay out of her heart and mind. But Horatio's unflinching, unconditional love and devotion to her made the break with Chakotay easier to bear. Chakotay had remained constantly in her heart and mind, although there were times that she could forget.
In her own way she loved Horatio, for he was a good man who took her when he knew that her heart pined for Chakotay every minute of every hour. The first year had been the hardest, but she had given him the assurance that the moment they married, she would be his wife in the fullest sense.
Now, Horatio lay dying and he was telling her something.
"Kathryn, sweetheart… Don't think I was never aware of how you missed Chakotay, how you pined for him…"
"I was happy with you."
"And that is the greatest blessing I will take with me to another realm, sweet, loving Kathryn. To know that you never rejected me. But you are ready to go. Go to him, Kathryn, after I am gone. Go to your Chakotay and tell him of your undying love for him…"
Her eyes had filled with tears then. Even in the final throes of death, Horatio could still be so forgiving, so generous. Sobbing, she had rested her head against his chest. She had felt how his hand caressed her face one last time.
"I can't…I owe you so much…"
"Ask him, Kathryn, to take care of Greer, to be the father he was meant to be…to make you happy again…"
And while her tears had run freely down her cheeks and soaked into Horatio's hospital shirt, Horatio had given his last breath. Kathryn was only aware that he had died when there had hung a total silence in the small room. The guttural rumbling in his lungs had stopped and his hand had slowly slipped down her cheek, until it lay lifeless.
Brought to the present, Kathryn felt the dampness on her cheeks as she remembered Horatio's last words. He had been everything, so understanding, so stripped of every deceit, even knowing that her heart was never really his.
She knelt down, caressing the gravestone bearing simply the name Horatio Greaves and the date of his death. A few leaves had fallen and covered the stone, and she brushed them out of the way, exposing the engraved letters.
"I'm not ready, Horatio. Greer asks constantly for you. I can't go through another disappointment again. I've made my peace. I know, I know," she murmured tenderly, "I should let Chakotay know. But I need time. I miss you…I miss your kindness, you generosity of spirit, your love. But…"
Kathryn sighed deeply. It was no use. The memories of those summers with Chakotay had come rushing back and with them the longing, the constant thirst and hunger. Three years ago she had been informed of Seven of Nine's death. Just a terse note that Seven had died in a shuttle crash. Even then she couldn't bring herself to offer Chakotay commiserations. She had made her peace and the communiqué was just that: a communiqué. It brooked no further investigation or comment. She knew Chakotay had wanted to respect her marriage. Now that he was a free man, she was the one committed to another.
"Maybe it was better so, Horatio, that I didn't write him. I committed myself to our marriage and I wanted to honour that with my whole being."
She stood up slowly, remained there for a few more minutes to take in the sacred atmosphere. It was time she headed for Indiana and to her mother and Greer. Phoebe was also visiting with her brood. Phoebe figured they needed the company of a sister and aunt and cousins. Kathryn pressed her fingers to her lips, and bent down to touch the gravestone again.
"Goodbye, Horatio...goodbye…"
**************
"You're a free woman now, Kathryn," Phoebe said, touching her arm with great gentleness.
They were standing in front of the wide window keeping an eye on the children playing outside. Gretchen was in the kitchen baking cookies and no doubt Celine, Phoebe's eldest child, was with her grandmother helping her.
"You told me that a week after Horatio died," Kathryn said, a tired smile forming.
. Phoebe glanced sharply at her. "And I'll say it again," she responded."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Kathryn knew what Phoebe would say; perhaps it was a sublimated desire to hear it from her sister, her mother, B'Elanna and Tom who were their closest friends and allies.
"We know, you know?"
"What, Phoebe? That my husband loved me with all his heart?"
"And that you didn't love him as you ought to have loved him, as you would have liked…"
Kathryn gave a sigh. For a month she had bottled her emotions, shuttered her sorrow and didn't speak to anyone. At night she had taken Greer in her big, empty bed and lay crying with her daughter. Greer had stopped crying, though she still looked so lost. Kathryn didn't want to talk about it, but Phoebe was the kindest, bravest sibling who gave her no quarter at times. This time, her words pierced her deeply.
"No," she sighed again. "But I respected him, Phoebe. I made him happy and he - he made me happy too."
Outside, Greer sat under the oak while Peter and Ryan, Phoebe's twins who were a year older than Greer, pushed the swing. An empty swing, she realised. She watched with tenderness as Ryan tried to coax Greer to get on. Greer shook her head, but didn't move away like she had before when she would never stray too far from Kathryn.
"Are you going to let Chakotay know?"
"Horatio wanted me to."
"And Kathryn? What does Kathryn want to do?"
"I - I'm not sure of anything right now. It's still too soon, I guess."
"Maybe you're a coward, Sis."
"Phoebe, would you walk into another man's arms a month after Blair died?"
"Hell, I would be out of it for years. But I don't have the same set of parameters you have, Kathryn, so your question is moot."
"You're avoiding answering me directly, Phoebe. It is a month and too soon. Besides, it's my decision to inform Chakotay. I can't just walk up to him and - "
" - tell him you’re a free agent and would he please come back to you because you love him?" Phoebe completed her sentence, "that he should see your little girl?"
Kathryn smiled again, her heart still heavy.
"You love him, Katie. You deserve happiness."
"Phoebe…I don't think - "
"He has a right to know, Kathryn," Phoebe interjected, her words cutting through Kathryn like a sliver of ice. She was suddenly deathly cold inside.
"What…?" she asked, her voice sounding faint.
"Just what I said. I know about your annual trips to Venice, the week-long vacations you took, that you spent them with Chakotay."
"I - " Kathryn started, feeling suddenly trapped. 'I'd better be going…"
"Where to? To run away? Do you know what Tom Paris told me one day soon after you arrived home from the Delta Quadrant? He told me that Seven of Nine trapped Chakotay into marrying her, that Chakotay had done the honourable thing and that you had broken your engagement - "
"That's enough."
"I'm not finished. Seven of Nine gave birth to a beautiful little baby girl. Kathryn, have you ever seen his daughter? She must be all of what…fourteen?"
Phoebe's words were so harsh that Kathryn wanted to die from shame, from the old hurt that surfaced again. She gave a small cry and staggered back to sink down on the sofa, covering her face with her trembling hands. Phoebe sat down next to her. Kathryn felt her sister's arm on her shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Kathryn. But don't you think it's time you faced up to your life and take back what was stolen from you?"
"He has a daughter. And I've never seen her. I told him it was better that way…"
"And Greer? Kathryn?"
"God," Kathryn whispered painfully, "don't make me do this…I've suffered enough…"
"And now you deserve happiness - "
"I told you, Phoebe, it's - "
" - too soon."
Kathryn looked at her sister, saw the kindness there, the love, the genuine concern for her well-being and happiness. The tears she had tried so long to keep at bay began falling. She gave a great sob and fell into Phoebe's arms and wept heartbrokenly. Phoebe cried with her and later, when the tears stopped finally, Kathryn moved out of her sister's embrace and looked at Phoebe with a tear-stained face.
"Thank you, Phoebe…"
"Hey, that's what sisters do. But promise me - "
"I promise, Phoebe," she said, much calmer now. "I promise…"
Phoebe kissed her cheek before she rose from the sofa and made her way outside to join the children. Greer had climbed on to the swing and Kathryn heard her laugh. It was a good sound. Their daughter had been distraught in the first week after Horatio died, then had gone all quiet and weepy at nights missing her daddy. After that she rallied a little. Now, the questions had become fewer, as if her daughter, small as she was, had begun to internalise her own sorrow and longing for her father. Most nights Kathryn had gone to Greer's room and brought her to lie with her in her own bed, the two of them seeking one another's comfort.
It was so strange. She had had a good, intimate marriage life with Horatio. When he had suggested they either have separate beds or rooms, she had assured him that she wanted him to be her husband in every way, that she wanted to commit that way to him.
"I know you will always love Chakotay," he had said, "and I know you might - "
"Shhh… I made a decision to marry you, Horatio. I made a decision to break with Chakotay, however much it broke me, but I'll be your wife…"
And still, even over those first weeks, he had been incredibly patient with her, allowing her to cry her heart out, comforting her. Chakotay was the past for her, and Horatio her present. When she finally consummated her union with Horatio, she had been wistful for a while, yet filled with a pleasant feeling that her husband knew how to offer comfort. He had been tender, loving, their lovemaking like a quiet brook which, she sensed months later, she had needed very much.
Sighing, Kathryn leaned back against the sofa, closing her eyes. It hadn't been soul-shattering, but it was enough and it was good. Horatio had become a loving husband, a loving and doting father.
On his death bed, he had asked her that she allow their daughter to remember the daddy who raised her to her fifth year. At that memory, Kathryn's eyes burned again with unshed tears. Yes, she knew it was too soon to allow Chakotay into her life again, but confronting him one day was inevitable.
Distantly she heard the beeping of her mother's vid-com, hearing her mother seconds later tripping to her office and leaving Celine in charge of the cookies. The house was filled with the smell of baking and Kathryn had a sudden craving for the chocolate chip cookies as they came out of the oven, the way she and Phoebe had done as children. At fifteen, Celine was of medium height, resembling her father Blair, and creative like her mother.
Minutes later, Gretchen Janeway entered the lounge. Kathryn glanced up sharply, frowning when she saw her mother's puzzled expression.
"Mom? What is it?"
"I don't know… The message is for you, from Starfleet Law Enforcement - the off-world division. Seems they have impounded a shuttle. Will you - ?"
Kathryn was up before her mother finished her question and within seconds sitting down in front of the vid-com, staring into the face of a law enforcement officer.
"Admiral Janeway-Greaves?"
"Yes. Anything I can do for you?" she asked, her own puzzlement growing.
"I am Lieutenant Grosskopf of the Off-World Law Enforcement Precinct. We have impounded a shuttle - one called the Palmentoro. It has breached off-world protocols by not having any clearance whatsoever to touch down on Earth. The pilots have asked for you. Do you have any instructions?"
"If I knew who the pilots are, perhaps. How many?"
"There are two - they are…no, three. One they claim is ill and needs medical attention."
"Have you tended to the one who needs medical attention?"
"Uh…no, Admiral Greaves. They may have lied."
"But there is a third individual and they wish to speak with me."
"Aye, Admiral. The boy - "
"Boy?" Kathryn frowned. "How old are the pilots?"
"About fifteen, Admiral - "
"And you apprehended a pair of kids?"
Lieutenant Grosskopf looked embarrassed, a flush creeping into his cheeks.
"Admiral - "
"Let me speak with the boy," she commanded, emphasising the word 'boy' to indicate her displeasure at Starfleet Security remanding children.
A few seconds later the face of a young teen appeared. Kathryn turned ice cold at the sight of the boy. He looked exactly like Chakotay at the same age. Chakotay had once shown her a few pictures of the time his father brought him to Earth in search of the Rubber Tree People. He had been fifteen when his father took the tattoo. Now she stared at the teenager. The same face, the same strength, even at that age, the same…anger. It flew from the boy's eyes.
"I am Admiral Janeway-Greaves. What can I do for you?"
Already Kathryn sensed their appearance had to do with Chakotay, that the third person in the shuttle was Chakotay. She even sensed the boy's answer.
"My name is Tomaso, and Captain Chakotay is my uncle. He is very sick, Admiral. I fear he may die very soon. We have him here with us. You are the only person - "
"Who came with you, Tomaso?" Kathryn asked, her mouth dry as she realised that Law Enforcement screwed up.
"Carina - "
"Carina!"
"Aye, Admiral. She is very distressed and she can't stop crying. Please, help us. Please help my uncle. Carina is convinced you can save him, Admiral…"
"What is wrong with Chakotay?"
"He picked up an alien flu virus on his last freight run and then he turned…"
Now Tomaso looked as if he could burst into tears.
"What, Tomaso?"
"Insane…"
Kathryn remembered the time Chakotay had believed that he was going mad, that he would become crazy like his grandfather. If that was the case, had he done the children harm during the journey? How had they kept him under control? Her mind reeled.
"Tomaso, let me speak with Lieutenant Grosskopf. Don't worry. I'll sort things out."
Kathryn had hardly had time to digest the news that the teens had made it all the way from Polarya or Dorvan to seek medical help for Chakotay. The knowledge that Chakotay was with them and very ill made her heart jump. He was ill enough that they thought to bring him all the way to Earth.
"Carina, Admiral, she believes you are Uncle's only help."
"I'm coming, Tomaso. Don't worry, okay? Let Carina know that I'll make every effort to save her father…"
"Thank you, Admiral. Thank you!"
When she closed communication and looked up, Phoebe was standing in the doorway. How much Phoebe had heard, Kathryn didn't know.
"I'm going to ask you a big favour, Phoebe - "
"I'll take care of Greer until you send for her. Not to worry. So, what was that all about?"
"The 'soon' has become sooner than I thought."
Phoebe rushed forward and hugged her fiercely. When Phoebe held her at arm's length, she said softly, "Good luck, Sis…"
****
END PART FOUR