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2004
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Thursday Dec 02, 2004 10:43pm

NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!

TODAY SUCKED!! I go to class with the one and only goal to withdrawl from my class and the fricking teachers not there. this weeks the last week that i can withdraw from any class and im told that he's not going to be back until fricking monday next week. I had to run around the school to get an extentsion on the withdraw and then they told me that im 15 minutes over my absent hours. so now when i finaly do find the teacher i have to hope that he just signs it without looking at my hours. if he does say soemthing about my hours then im going to have to argue that i didnt miss that much class. i know that i didnt miss that much cause its not possible. i miss 2 days ya well thats 4 hours a day. i was never 2 hours late for class. my mother drives me to south side every moring at 7:30 am, 30 minutes b4 i start class. i've been there on time every day that i've gone to class.

OK then i get home and my PC is dying. I'm going fucking crazy! I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off FREAKING OUT!!! The god damn fan in my PC in the Power supply went and fucking died. I ran around to like five different places trying to find a replacement and I couldnt find the right one. I'd either find one the right Voltage but not the right size or the right size but it's way higher voltage, hell i even found one that was the right size and the voltage BUT it was twice as thick. I cant run my pc for more then five minutes with out it over heating. i opened up the case yanked out the power supply ripped that apart pulled out the busted fan and i put a normal house fan behind the tower but theres not enough room for me to put the fan behind it and have the DSL cord still reach it. so at least i could get all of my Homework documents onto my Quick drive and now Im forced to use my sisters Peice of SHIT computer (which I'm using to write this right now).

if i cant find the right fan my final option is to put the monitor and the rest of the peices, keyboard, mouse, speakers, on the fucking floor in the corner of my room with the house fan behind just so the damn DSL cord can reach it.

I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE RIGHT NOW!!!

I was up in my room for like 3 hours watching TV and i swear every 3 minutes i'd think to myself, i want to do this or that on my PC, and then i'd remeber, ITS IN FUCKING 20 PEICES ON THE FLOOR!!! the only good thing is that i did put it back together and managed to get the files i need off it b4 coming downstairs.

I'm addicted to that fucking thing. i have no idea what the hell im going to do if i dont get it fixed by next tuesday. ya the house fan can help me manage to do small tasks that dont use much CPU but i know that to do my homework i need to have that thing fricking flying so i can all the shit that i normaly use, and all of those programs are bound to over heat it. The last thing i want is to watch my PC burn up in flames.



Once more my mind set is,
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Saterday Dec 04, 2004 11:17pm

WAHHOOO!!! IM STILL ALIVE!!!

Two and a half days with out my computer and i'm still alive. It's amazing, I had no idea i was so addicted to my computer. I finaly got the fan replaced and its working fine. Actualy it scares me. I cant hear the new fan. I got so used to that last one humming so nicely like a Harley in a tunnel. Ok Ok ya i know. New fan good. It's supposed to be silent but i cant help but wonder....
Is it even on?
Then I stick my hand back there and moronicly stick a finger in it just to hear it scratch my flesh off of it.

I think I'm gonna have some quality time with my PC right now and play a game of Unreal Tournament 2003.



Tuesday Dec 07, 2004 3:28am

Feeling: Happy

YESSA!!!

I finaly finshed my damn assignment for my Script Writing class. It took me forever but its FINALY done. I was working on that damn thing for like 3 weeks for about 3 or 4 hours a day. I'm even happier because this means I have time to sleep before class. I was affraid I wouldnt get it done till 6 or 7AM.

Of course then again I had to chug an AMP to get myself awake so I'm probably just gonna lay in bed and twitch for an hour or two.

At least tomorrow looks promissing now. Thats alot of stress off my back. I'm going to head downstairs have a cigerette and vask in my glory before I head to bed.

One Final Project down.. One to go.



Saterday Dec 11, 2004 6:37am

Feeling: Spent

My mind is on the brink of a meltdown. I've been spending every day and night since tuesday working with Photoshop on my Game Development Final Project. When you select something in photoshop, the black and white outline that moves around the selection is called the crawling ants, ya well about 10 minutes after I went downstairs to get away from my computer I closed my eyes and all I could see was those FUCKING crawling ants.

This thing is taking it's tole on me. My mind can't handle any more for tonight. What Really sucks is I finished everything except three out of the four screen shots and I know that the screen shots are going to take me the longest to finish out of everything else.

It's almost 7am.. I think that I'm going to stay up till 8 or so and see if Kristi signs onto AIM after she gets home from work. I could really use a good conversation with her right now. Shes supposed to come over Sunday but she might not be able to make it out. I really hope that she can make it.. I miss her so much and I can't stop thinking about her, except when I'm stuck thinking about those FUCKING crawling ants. I love her so much.. All I honestly want for XXX-Mas is to see her again.



Sunday Dec 12, 2004 8:33am

Feeling: Down


I spent the hole night last night thinking about Kristi. Justin turned 21 yesterday so we went out to Permanti's for a few drinks. His fiance drove him so he could drink all he wanted. The hole time I was there I kept thinking about Kristi... everytime time they argued everytime they'd laugh at each other.. all i could think is that I miss all of those little things. I even miss picking on each other. Everytime I see another couple either in real life or even on TV all I want is to see her. It's driving me nuts.

I found out that shes not coming over this week. I feel so empty. I'm actualy talking to her right now on AIM.. she just told me shes not coming like 5 minutes ago. I don't know what to say. I feel like shit. I feel cold and lonely. my mind is going blank, it's filling with this void of emptiness. the only thing i wanted and i cant have it. I CANT STAND THIS.



Tuesday Dec 14, 2004 3:56pm

Feeling: Hyper with nothing to do


I'M SOOO BORED. my teacher let me out of class only 20 minutes into it. I've had about 5 and a half hours to do nothing. I'm still at school right now. I went to kinkos twice, went out side 3 times and just sat there bored. I visited the computer room 3 times and i've randomly roamed the halls about 10 times. I'm going out of my mind here. I still have 2 hours to kill and absolutely nothing to do.

This Fucking SUCKS. All I want to do is go to my last class, which happens to be my last class for the quarter and get this final presentation over with. I then want to go home and pass out. Thursday I plan on emptying my bar of all my liquor except Kristi's Kauluha. Dan CJ and Justin are supposed to come over and we're celebrating Justin's B-Day by getting him smashed. I plan to personally celebrate finishing up this damn quarter.



Tuesday Dec 21, 2004 1:33pm

Feeling: Depressed


My mind is so shot. Last night Dan came over with his new girly Missy and I'm completely bummed out right now. I can't stop thinking about how much I miss Kristi. Dan and Missy acted so pasionately, watching them play around with each other, having such fun being together, kissing, wrestling around and bothering each other for the fun of it. I just kept thinking to my self how I miss all of that. After the three of us played some Arcade emulators we started to play some PS2. Maybe Dan and missy don't have true love at the moment but but I know it feels good to at least have companionship. The two of them jumped onto my bed as we played PS2. I told them before hand that it was ok with me if they both took the bed so that they didnt have to sit seprately. It was the first time there was a female in my bed since Kristi was here. I didnt think that it would hurt to see them like that, but it did, it hurt alot, it hurt more then I could of emagined. It really messed with my mind cause I kept thinking about how badly I needed laid, but everytime I thought about it the only female that was around was Missy and that started to piss me off, she reminded me so much of Kristi that I kept thinking it was her as my mind kept slipping away thinking about how baddly I wanted her to be with me.

I woke up this morning and I felt like I just wanted to go back to sleep forever and forget about the world. I wanted to just curl up and die cause I woke up alone again. Nothing feels right right now. Everything makes me think of Kristi and how much I miss her. For a moment I did at least look for a brighter side of things. I want to get a Job so baddly right now so I can be with Kristi again. Then I thought to my self about what exactly that meant. Kristi wants me to come out to york to be with her and I dont think I can do that.. after living in Pittsburgh for all of these years I've become accustemed to a certain type of people. things are more serious here. I dont think i would be able to live in the middle of such red necked bastards I honestly feel like the type of people that live out there don't deserve to live. The larger problem about that is I know that if i was there too long I would Go INSANE. no bars, no clubs, no concerts, no intellegence, no true technology, no friends, no justice.......... I wouldnt last very long. I would end up pulling out all of my own hair, just before I would decide to load my self with a full arsenal of weapons including an ak47, pipe bombs (which are sooo easy to make), a 357 magnum with incendiary peircing rounds (for cars, one of those towards a gas tank = BOOM), of course i would have to show up those fucking tearist, they use home made bombs as suicide bombs, I would have to make a few of them using a remote control (something as simble as ripping the parts out of a remote control toy car) and blow up as many things as i could.


HMMMmm why does depressed sometimes get followed by psychotic??

The point is I know that I could never live in york, and I would feel like shit forcing Kristi to leave her home, again. I want her to be happy. But I dought that I can provide that for her if I rip her out of here home enviornment and pull her into mine. That's not right. I'd feel so guilty, I'd feel like shit. I don't want to force her to do anything she doesnt want to. I don't want to make her feel obligated to do what I want to. I know that theres absolutly no way for me to get a job in York after I'm out of school. Plus I'm a city person. I can't survive in something like the sticks or farm land. I know that when I do get out of school I'm gonna have to move to another City but the point is it will be a city.

XXX-Mas is gonna suck. The sad thing is I pritty much sabatoged my own XXX-Mas. I was supposed to get my Own PS2 but the damn things are so expensive right now and my raise don't want to spend enough money to get one. I had two chances to get one but I ended up not getting them in part because of my parents but saddly enough also because of myself. Part of me knows that I want this gift but the rest of me doesn't think that I deserve to have a good XXX-Mas. Its that part of me that ended up giving up looking for it. I ended up just telling my mom that I needed something else that I realy didnt so I can give it to Dan. So pritty much my biggest gift at the moment is for Dan not me. All I'm getting is an electric razor... whuppy... yay.... Blah......



Monday Dec 27, 2004 6:20pm

Feeling: Bored as All Hell


Well I have time to kill and nothing to do, no school, no kristi, I'm bored of video games, Tv Sucks, spent the day wondering around the house. Finally i decided to work a lil on my web page. Added some new animations and I'm gonna tell ya just how bad my XXX-Mas Sucked.

For XXX-Mas I got jack shit. The best gift I recieved was a Knife that my brother gave me. Its all black, black handle and black blade. I got a bottle of Grey Goose L'Orange Vodka which I have no idea if I'll even open. Dan quit drinking, Justins too much of a light weight and I dought he could drink something so good like this properly with me, CJ always has to drive and I never seen him drink anything heavy before, And I refuse to drink alone. I got an early XXX-Mas Gift from Dan a weeks ago, he bought me a second controller for my PC, I think that its the gift that I'll use the most. I had to return the controller once cause it was a little busted......

Dan bought the same type of controller I already have. Mine was a little broken though. I switched some of the working peices into my old controller and took back the new one and exchanged it for a third controller, basicly i got 2 working controllers for the price of one.

I spent most of XXX-Mas thinking about Kristi. I had to carry her presents up into my room so that they dont get messed up. I got some cash, it sucks cause the first thing i thought about was that I was going to use it to see Kristi, but the Ferret needs a tooth pulled and I gonna have to spend my loot on him.



Tuesday Dec 28, 2004 6:46pm

Feeling: Out of it


Once again I found myself wasting the day away. I honestly just wanted to sleep away the day but I couldn't sleep any longer. Last night I started to worry myself about taking Shit~hed into the vet. I kept thinking "what if something happens when they put him under to take out the fang?". It worries me so much.

On a better side of things I found out that I've been upgraded in my statis of my family on my Dads side. I'm no longer the black sheep or the outcast. Yet I havent changed a single thing about myself. Hows this possible??? Well its not my fault so that means that theres a new black sheep in the family that makes even me look normal. My cousin Ronney has decided to end his life as a man and start living it as a female for now on. He's been pumping him self with hormones for the last 2 years and has long hair. He's gonna head to another state sometime soon and probably get surgery and wait for a while before he comes back as VerRONica.



Wednesday Dec 29, 2004 8:55pm

Feeling: Weird

THE GODS OF METAL HAVE SPOKEN TO ME!!!

I've been sitting here watching a show on VH1 called Top 100 Most Metal Moments. I started watching it thinking "Fuck this shit Rocks". After watching it for like an hour I noticed one simularity through out the program, all of these Metal Heads were drunk as all hell. I started to think to myself "I want a fucking drink". I pulled out my bottle of Grey Goose popped the top and gave it a wiff just to bask in the glory of the mear scent of this prescious Vodka. then i started to think to myself about how I hate to drink alone. Right then I look up and whats on the TV??? A fucking commercial for Grey Goose Vodka!!! Now I'm thinking to myself well shit if thats not a sign I don't know what is. I head to wash out my cleanest shot glass which happens to be one of my Skull Shootters. I come back into my room and fill the shot then look up to the TV only to see yet ANOTHER Grey Goose commercial this time a different one then the first. Now I'm thinking to myself the Gods of Metal are deffinately saying something. I chug down the shot giving cheers to Jmann from Mushroomhead while listening to "Almost Gone" a song by Jmann about drinking. I slammed the shot glass down looked back at the TV and this dude Vince Neil from Montley Crew is sitting there with a bottle of Grey Goose Smiling.

I shit you not. I am NOT exagerrating or anything. I've had a very weird day today. The Timing of this shit was dead on. The first commercial as I'm thinking I might not have a shot, the second commercial the second after I fill the shot as I'm putting the cap back on, and the dude sitting there at a bar with a bottle of Goose smiling after I chug the shot. Theres no fucking way it could of been more dead on.

Sunday Jan 02, 2005 11:29pm

Feeling: Like Total shit

Last night fucking Sucked. Literaly My ineards decided to duke it out with each others. It was like my intestants grabbed my colon and my kidney and started to kick the shit out of them. Obviously it was painful. That lasted for about 20 minutes Until my kidney decided to Run away from my intestants. Damn kidneys ran up my chest and ended up putting presure on my chest as my intestants were pounding them into my lungs which lasted another 20 minutes as I started to stop breathing. I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.

Ends up I probalby 90% sure that i have something called a hyhanl hernia (which i have no idea how to spell). I have to take some fricking pill for the next 2 years or so. I spent the day today trying to feel better but I feel like im soo low on energy.

I'm probably starting work on Wednesday. Kinda sucks. All i want is to get this loot so i can be with kristi again but fucking ay' i dont want to work for it.



Tuesday Jan 04, 2005 12:01am

Feeling: FREAKING OUT!!!

I WANT A FUCKING CIGERRETTE!!
Its only been a few days since I had one and Im Nic'ing like Crazy.
I've been sitting around my room twitching and shaking, rocking back and forth in my chair. I Want one of those damn things. I just cant wait for these damn erges to stop.




Thursday Jan 06, 2005 12:17am

Feeling: I got a Head~Ache

Hell has Frozen over.

I just got back from work.

My head is Pounding me. My feet fucking hurt and I have something weird and red on my pants.

But it's lovely to know that I have some money coming in. I want to keep this job as temperary as possible. I'm still looking for another job and theres no way I'm screwing over CJ by just walking out. I've already told him that I consider this job as temperary. I'm using it as a gateway to to get into a better job somewhere else.



Tuesday Jan 11, 2005 12:17pm

Feeling: Bored

Well I'm back in school. Decided that it's been awhile since my last entry and, well shit, I have time to kill. This last weeks been a bit hecktic. Works a pain in my ass, just started school (well not yet I have about 25 mins till my first class starts), and I'm trying to chill with my friends as much as possible and its not very possible.

I can't stop thinking about Kristi. It just really fucking sucks at the moment. Theres so many things I want and so many things I need, most of them all having to do with me wanting to get closer to Kristi. I just hate the wait. I want to just get everything over and done with. I don't want to have to wait for the checks to come in. I want to get these cell phones which I've already found out everything I need to about. I'm going to buy them off of Justin as soon as I get the chance, Next I want to save up for a car so I can make it out to see Kristi, I have to get one of Shit~hed's fangs pulled cause it's turning green and has a nasty looking cavity in it (thats first priority at the moment but damn is it gonna set me back some bills), some time at the end of the month I need to give my mom 25 bills towards my birthday gift, so that she gets me a new PS2 Slim instead of how she wants to buy me a used old style PS2.

I don't know... it just really sucks. I got all of this shit planned out in my head. I just have to wait for the money to do it all.



Tuesday Jan 18, 10:41pm

Feeling: Slightly Out of it

Shit... I don't know....

I've been working and going to school for the last like month and for the most part I've been quite dead. Sleeps been a real problem again. Its become very hard to fall asleep at the right times. Take tonight for example. I went to class and I just got home. I need to get up around 6:30am tomorrow and I'm totaly wired at the moment. I can't think of a single thing to do other then slap an entry into my journal (DUH!!), but I know that the way I'm feeling I'll probably be up until 3 or 4 am. And that SUCKS!!!

Other then that.....

I haven't really had much of a chance to have any personal time. By the time I get done with work or class I can't just sit down and relax. I might play a few PC games or what not but I can't get the full enjoyment out of them that I used to. My minds filled with so many thoughts. I can't wait to get this first paycheck. I've been thinking about buying that trench coat I've been wanting for so long. But I think that it would go to more use if I saved up to buy a used car. Since my brother works at a garage now I might buy a car off his boss. I'm gonna save about 1/3 or 1/2 of the check to put away towards Shit~hed's lil tooth pulling thingy.

The kinda sad thing I think is that I don't really want a car for any real personal reason. I want it so I can see Kristi. I haven't really given much thought into using a car to go to work or school. I just want to see her. Nothing else seems more important.

Tuesday Jan 25, 2005 5:46pm

Feeling: Kinda' Excited

I'm between classes right now, killing time. I'm getting a lil' twitchy waiting for my birthday. I'm finaly going to get a PS2Slim. Hopefully I can find the damn thing tomorrow. I'm planning on driving my Mother to work and spending the day driving around looking for a PS2Slim. I figured fuck... I finaly have my lisence back and it's been forever since me and Dan went cruising, soo I'm gonna pick him up a little before noon to come along with me.

The last week I've been getting really concerned about Kristi. Since she got her new place I haven't heard anything from her. She said that she was probably gonna have to wait a week before she could get a phone or something so I have no real way of getting ahold of her except through mail and I'm too much of a techno geek to try using such primative methods but I feel like I might be forced to. I really wish that I could see her on my B-Day but I truely dought that would happen.

Well shit.. class starts in like 5 minutes so I have to head out of the PC room now and make my way downstairs.






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Monthly Entries

2004
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2005
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July August October December
2006
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