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Monday May 02, 2005 12:47am
Feeling: tormented
I guess I came to a turning point last month. the last i heard from Kristi was janurary 10th. for the last month and a half I've been wondering how much longer I could last with out kristi. Last month should of been our 6 month anniversary. I didnt hear a single word from her, no phone call, no email, not even an instant message saying hello. I have no way of contacting her.
I still Love her with all of my heart but it's become apperant to me that things souldnt be. I hate to be with out her but I can't stand to be alone anymore.
I'll always have a place for her in my heart but I need to start searching for who I want to be rather then spending all of my time trying to figure out how I'm going to see her again. I feel so alone with out her and I just cant stand it anymore.
All of my friends have watched me torment myself about her and every one has come to the same conclusion, that I need to try to forget about her. I know that I can't but I've tried. Sadly I came to the same conclusion long before anybody else told me that they thought so, but I didnt want to except that things could be over between us. Part of me still cant except it but my mind tells me that I have to, even if my heart says different.
I've tortured my self too long. I've waited everyday for her phone call, answering the phone eagerly praying it was her. I've listened to Every car passing my house wishing to hear her voice calling to me. I've lyed awake and alone too many nights in the brink of tears thinking about her, and I've spent too many days by myself missing her and thinking about her. I cant do it anymore.
Wednesday May 04, 2005 11:47pm
Feeling: Bored
I've been sooo fucking out of it. The last few days my mind has decided to turn off on me. Ive been doing my best to stop thinking about certain things and i've so far been able to succeed. I've been trying to keep my self busy but I lose intrest in everything I do so fast.
Friday May 27, 2005 10:53pm
Feeling: lost in thought
Ok it's been 5 months since Kristi left, and about a month since I've decided that I'm not waiting for her anymore. I've spent these last months fighting my self over wether or not I should be out looking for someone new or not. I think that Im ready to try to find someone else. I didnt want to end up jumping into the first relationship I find (again). This time around I'm taking my time.
The big problem is I feel incredibly vonurable. I miss all of those little things, like having someone to hold or someone to care for or that cares for me. I miss that feeling, that warming feeling of being loved. I need someone that I can talk to, that I can share my feelings with.
I've spent all of this time fighting myself, pushing away from anyone that showed me intrest cause I'm afraid of being hurt again or getting into a relationship with out meaning. I guess I've been waiting for that special someone that I can see myself spending alot of time with. Im not looking for some type of short relationship. I dont want to waste time on mindless sex. I've had enough relationships based on that, and none of them worked.
What I want is something meaning full. I feel that I need something serious and nothing else will do. Now I know that no ones just going to fall into my lap, smile and say "Im here". I wish things were that easy. I'm going to take things slowly and make sure that I dont make anymore mistakes. But I know that it's going to be hard since I've put up this wall. Its going to be hard to bring it down but I know that I'll only open up to someone I care about. till then I have to struggle with this inner torment.
Tuesday May 31, 2005 9:50pm
Feeling: surprisingly Ok
It doens't hurt anymore.
I realized something today. Normaly I'd sit around in my room alone and think about "how lonely I am" or "how sad I feel" or "how much I miss being in a relationship". Theres certain things that i kept myself away from. Just those things that hurt to be around. Like watching a movie about a couple in love, or hearing a love song, you know stuff like that.
I relized that I'm fine. I'm no longer lonely. Or at least not as lonely as I was. It doesn't hurt me to think about being all that stuff anymore. Ya I miss it all but it's no longer such a problem. I feel good about myself, and it's about time.
Thursday July 14, 2005 1:22pm
Feeling: brain fucked
Tuesday Aug 30, 2005 11:49am
Feeling: Homicidal
Ok, i've been avoiding my journal cause ive been trying not to feel anything. the more numb i am the better. everytime i have a real feeling it hurts so ive been blocking them all out, but now i feel like im gonna explode.
i cant take this shit anymore. ive grown so sicken by my family, my schools trying to kick me out, im still forcing myself to be single and i need a new fucking job.
ok ive always had those certain thoughts... thoughts like wouldnt it all be so much easier to just let it fucking end or just give up, let go, and enjoy a ride off a cliff. today i had a different thought. one ive had before. this family has driven me insane and to the point of wanting to end my life, why not pay them back the favor? today i thought to myself about how i would do it. the bad thing is that it sounded like a good idea.
i need away from this. i need a new start. i cant stay in this house much longer. i depise these people. i cant stand to look into there faces anymore, with out thinking of ripping it off from ear to ear.
i want to break something. i want to put my fist through glass or a wall. i just want to punch something till my fist are covered in blood and i dont care whos, even if it is my own.
i thought to myself if i end it i cant leave anyone behind. you know ive started to crack when ever i think of snapping shit~hed's neck. not to hurt him, no. i wouldnt want to leave him for someone else.
my throat feels dry. i want to chug a bottle of vodka cause i know it could ease the pain in so many ways. with my fucking condition id end up turning my insides out. i practicly taste the blood that id be pukeing up as my stomache would disintagrate.
everytime i try to stop thinking like this i think of what made me and when the last time i was happy.
that would of been when i was with kristi. everytime i think of it i become infuriated. i honestly felt then like i was in heaven. i felt like my life was complete, all i had to do was solve a few problems and the rest of my life would of been set. thoughts of happieness always fade away fast. i think to myself about why shes not here anymore. i can never forgive pammy for what she did. she forced to the two of us apart. i had everything i ever wanted, Everything. she still trys to tell me that she thought it was better for me. she tells me that everytime she saw me when kristi was here i looked unhappy. i knew then what she was going to do. i knew that she would interfer. i cant forgive her. her or that "child" of hers.
im giving up on life. i feel i have no where left to go. im trapped in a corner i call my room. forced to proticipate in this fucking life. i dont want this anymore. i dont want help from anyone. i dont want money i havent earned. i dont want the food given to me unless it was mine to begin. all i want is to get away from this house and never have to turn back. i want that freedom. i want to live my own life with out anybody elses say so. im tired of living in these shadows alone, by myself, where i just think to myself about these horrible things i want to do.
i swear im so close to snapping that i can already taste the blood on my lips.
ive lied to everyone, lied to there faces. i put on this act. my little song and dance laced with a fake smile. its a mask. i hide behind a false happiness around my friends, all of them. if they honestly knew what i was thinking, how unhappy or digusted i was, but i put on my act for my friends, and for my work. the only people that ever see me for who i really am are strangers downtown. the people i walk by that take a look at me and cringe. how i love to force them to walk on the other side of the street to avoid me. at frist i thought it was a wall. i thought i was putting up defences to shut people out. but i like going downtown. i enjoy seeing those peoples faces when they look into mine and i stare right through them like they never exsisted. its the only place i can go and feel like myself, where i dont have to fake happiness for someone else's sake. i dont owe those people anything including respect. they look at me and think to them selves that im crazy, or homicidal, they fear me cause they believe im thinking of doing something bad, maybe even to them. with all the masks ive put on and how false i am around my friends its sad to think that only strangers understand me, and the less you know about me the better.
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