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Monday October 03, 2005 9:26am
Feeling: hollow and alone
yesterday Sunday October 02 at 9:55am Shit~hed was put to sleep.
i spent the last week watching over him. i took him to the vet and was giving him medichine but there was nothing i could do in the end. he tried so hard, but was in obvious pain. i had to bring him in to ease his suffering.
around 7am as i was watching over him as i did every night that week, he started to hyperventilate and was weezing. i gave him some water and calmed him down. it was after i calmed him down that he climb onto my shoulder. around 9am he stopped breathing for a breaf moment. as i was holding him he started to shake his head back and forth as he was fighting for air. i new he was in pain cause as he was shaking his head a tear drop fell from his eye onto my hand. i had to softly press on his chest to get him to breath again. after that he started to go limp and his breathing was very shallow. i knew that there was nothing left to do and the pain he was in had to be unbarable. i had my mother drive me down to the vet and i placed him in the box they used to put him to sleep myself.
after he was put to sleep we took him home with us. he was in a box in the back seat. i expected to hear him scratching at the inside of the box like he did so many times when he play in a box i left for him in my room. he'd always clime in the box and scratch the inside and wait for me to scratch at the outside and we'd go back and forth taking turns.
after i got home i went to my room and collected all of his mice toys and i barried him in the far back of the yard. justin came over as i was finishing digging the hole and helped me out with the last of it. i wanted him to be there cause he shwoed me over this week just how good of a friend he is. justin made an impact on me when he offered to loan my the large amount of money it would of taken to have a surgery done for Shit~Hed. as my family showed me how cold they could be Justin showed me that he cared and he knew me and how much Shit~Hed ment to me.
even through all the pain he was in he still tried to show me how much he cared for me. saterday morning as my alarm sounded for me to go to work he tried his hardest to do as he usualy did and come to my bed and wake me up after he heard the alarm. several times he curled up beside me even though it seemed hard for him to move. the morning he died he even forced him self to climb up onto my shoulder like he would when ever he wanted to be effectionate. i tried so hard to make him better, but nothing i could of done including taking him to the vet would of helped.
i feel so hollow and empty inside. like a huge part of me has died. i have nothing left that i truely care about anymore. having Shit~Hed kept me stable. he was my best friend. he never expected much from me and he'd give so much effection to me that no matter how bad i felt he always made me happy again. he showed me in those last days just how much he cared about me as he forced his self to cuddle up to me or come see me off to work like nothing was wrong, even though he was so weak. its so hard for me right now. i still look for his shadow under my door when i come into my room like he always sat at the door and waited for me to come back in. i can hardly even breath when i come into my room.
every time i step into my room my heart stops as i look towards his cage. i cant even get myself to close the door to his cage cause it feels so wrong. i cant accept that he's gone. closing that door would be like shutting him out. it make me feel a little better knowing its open cause it makes me think that he's somewhere in my room hiding in one of his beds i have for him. i wouldnt be able to stand looking at the cage closed and empty.
i'll miss him so much. i dont think anything could fill this void i have in my heart right now. im left just a shollow empty shell of who i once was.
one things for sure this house will never feel like home again.
Friday Dec 23, 2005 10:06pm
Feeling: blah
ahhh.... ? It's been awhile since Ive posted one of my lil' rants so I felt I was over due.
lifes been weird. I finaly got a car a couple months ago. A used Toyota Camery. it needed a lil work but im getting it back tomorrow (hopefully).
Ive been spending alot of time out and about with my friends. just trying to keep myself as busy as possible. its been hard on me when im alone. especially around this time of year. this is the first Xmas in like 5 or 6 years that I havent had a relationship. hell i havent had a good relationship for over a year now.
I still miss Shit~Hed alot. thats another reason why ive been staying busy and out of my house. being alone in my room feels more like a tomb now then ever.
Incase anyone is wondering i havent had the net for awhile now. i just kinda gave up on all the things that made me happy and ive been trying to start all over and find a new me. ive been playing ALOT less video games, I stopped drinking, ive been keeping active, and ive been trying new things as often as possible.
I dont know. the more i stop all the things that made me who i was the more i find out about myself. its been weird.
but ya im still alive.
Janurary 17, 2006 12:40pm
Feeling: Anxious
I've been dealing with some job agency, trying to get a job as a security officer. So far things have been sooo slow. Ive been waiting for them to call me back to tell me when I can start. the problem is, is that they havent called me back yet. they told me that they were waiting to recieve the back ground check on me. I'm hoping that my lil' citation that I got for wrechless driving a few years ago doesnt show up and prevent me from getting this job.
If I get this job it can really change things around for me. I could really use the moeny. I'd still like to move out of this house and start things a new. I think I need to do this for myself. through this job i think i can.
My car needs soooo much work, Id like to get a cell phone, I need to start paying for my own internet service so i can take some online classes, and getting out of this house would be fricking amazing.
oh well only time will tell.
Tuesday Feburary 14, 2006 8:53am
Feeling: Lonely
VD is here again, and yet again for the second time in a row I'm here alone. I swear it hurts so much i think i could die. I cant stand this pain.
I just got home from work. I listened to Nightwish and tapping the vein the hole hour drive through traffic back home and now i feel sooo down. The damn song by Nightwish (Wish I Had An Angel) just keeps playing through my head over and over again. It's driving me crazy. UUUGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
my mind is spinning.
on other thoughts. my new job is working out great {{I wish i had an angel for one moment of love}} things are going smoothly {{I wish i had your angel tonight}} its another night job so thats great {{Im in love with my lust burning angel wings to dust}} the pay rates fricking awesome for what little work i have to do {{I wish i had your angel tonight}} I get to sit around watching moitors getting paid to be a dick to people coming in {{Last dance, first kiss, Your touch, my bliss, Beauty always comes with dark thoughts}}
STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT
fucking christ...... ok im gonna go and listen to that album until i either pass out OR cry
Friday Feburary 24, 2006 3:35am
Feeling: Tired
Welllll....
I'm sitting here at work. Quite fucking bored, figured I'd post something on my journal.
This jobs not to bad. I mean its the highest paying job I've ever had. I dont really do a hole lot. I sit around a security desk, walk around the building, and thats basicly it.
I'm SOOO FUCKING BORED!!!
Wait i said that already..... UGh....
I have to work my normal 8 hour (breakless) shift tonight then I have to leave here drive through Pittsburgh traffic and make it to some training thing in parkway center. I'll probably be in the training class for between 4 to 6 hours. man when I get home theres gonna be no stopping me, I'm heading straight for my bed and passing the fuck out.
Lifes weird.
Normaly I'd love a job like this but I'm so fucking bored that I'm starting to feel bad like I'm not doing enough, even though I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. Its weird when I actualy want more work to do. I guess its time to head back to school. I need something non-brainless (like this job) to do.
Monday Feburary 27, 2006 3:04am
Feeling: Blah
Money come money go.
Finaly getting some decent paychecks and I'm BROKE! It really fucking sucks when you start getting the best pay checks outta any job you've ever had and you can't enjoy it.
I need to get out. I need to have some damn fun. I can't stand doing the same shit every fucking day anymore. It's driving me nuts.
For shits and giggles I've been working on a new section I'll be adding to my website. I figure that it'll be fun. I explain it in my Update section.
Wednesday March 08, 2006 12:18am
Feeling: My minds on but my bodies dead
Another day another dollar. I'm sitting here at work, bored outta my mind, and sick. My fricking stomache has been killing me. My medicine isn't working anymore. I'm so fucked. I'm burping up acid (literally) and well... I'll spare anyone any more details.
Needless to say I need to see a Doctor. Thing that sucks I don't have health covrage anymore. I'm waiting to finish some shit at work and I will have it but I don't know when.
Other then my lil' condition things aren't too bad (If you dont remeber my condition acts up 24/7).
I dont want to discorage anybody thats taken my Compatability Test but I know getting a High score seems hard. Dan only scored mid 80's and Chris scored high 60's, and I consider them 2 of my best friends. Not saying I dont have other good friends incase they want to wine I didnt mention them, maybe they should take the test and tell me there score. One dude at my work got a 67%. I had to revise the scoring system a lil' seeing that it seems too difficult. Hopefully I get more acurate scores now.
Friday March 17, 2006 4:48am
Feeling: Lil excited
Me dan and Justin have been talking for awhile about getting a pad of our own and now i'm starting to beleive that it might just happen. I always thought it sounded like a big fricking pipe dream but after figuring a few things out I now think its really possible.
The biggest problem I see is that I'm the one outta the three of us with the most bills to pay. My student loans are gonna kill me. also sadly to say I really think that I have the most stuff outta all three of us.
We plan on getting this done within two months from now. Can't fucking wait to get out of my house and get into something of my own.
Thursday March 30, 2006 1:29am
Feeling: Sick
I've been so fucking sick for the last month or so. I ended up going to an ER to get checked out and they gave me some meds. the meds helped but at the same time its making me feel weird and sick in a different way. At least thing arent as bad as they were before though.
I realized something today. I'm affraid... I'm affraid that I'll never find a perfect love again. I think that's what's holding me back so much. I've put these walls up so high that no one can get through them. And now that I'm working all the time I don't even have the chance to give anyone a try.
Life sucks like that. First I'm no longer out there and even if i am I can't seem to give anyone the time of day. I just keep thinking of ways to improve my situation, like something to think to myself that would help me out, but when it comes down to using that vice I can't remeber it and all the shit I don't want to think about comes pooring back in my head.
Honestly the saddest part is just how I act when it happens. If i ever see a female I'm attracted to I go cold, I bottle myself up and turn ugly. Oh... I can talk to women but when it comes to a woman I'm attracted to I can't say a word, not even in passing, like "Hi, good morning.". I just turn into a dick. I don't even know why anymore. IT FUCKING SUCKS.
Saterday April 15, 2006 12:32pm
Feeling: excited
It's finaly fucking happening. Me Dan and Justin are moving out of our shit holes and getting a place. We're putting up the money for the security deposit on Friday. It's a bit outta the way from anywhere I'm used to being but other then the location it's a nice place. I plan on putting up some digital photos of the place once we've moved in and I have the net running. I can't fricking wait.
Saterday June 03 we're having a house warming party. If you read that you're invited, as long as you're old enough to drink. We're having the party to commemorate the up coming of the END OF THE WORLD. June 6th 2006 is the annivesary of the battle of Normandy, other wise know as D-DAY. Its also 06/06/06 or as I like to say "666".
I'm kinda still in disbeleif that I'm moving out. The next few months are gonna be so hectick for me and the guys. It was bound to happen sometime though.
Thursday May 4, 2006 1:24am
Feeling: Happy (for the first time in a long time)
It's finaly happened.
I GOT MY OWN PLACE!!!!!!!!!!
So far things have gone pritty smothly. We still have a few loose ends to get through but everything else is fine. I moved in May 1st. I knew it was gonna be a load of work but I have to keep track of so many fucking things its driving me nuts. My mind is running in over time right now.
It SOOOOO fucking nice to be able to get a good nights sleep with out having some screaming brat waking me up every two hours. At the risk of sounding like a matress commercial I have to say, I never knew how much sleep I was losing till I had a full nights rest.
Now all I need to do is get my furniture and a cell phone and I'm set (for the most part). UGh so much to do, So little time (so little patience). I feel like I'm gonna have to play mister mom and keep everything orginized.
I do NOT want to be at work right now. This house is like a new toy you just can't put down. I think Justin said it best "It's like christmas morning".
Of course my rooms already starting to look the same as before. Heh, just to make it feel more like home I went as far as stripping the walls at my old house. It's a nice big house. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, Huge kitchen, Huge Dining room, nice size living room, huge back deck, but the basements not so great. My only real complaint is the location. But oh fucking well cant have everything I want.
Monday May 8, 2006 11:20pm
Feeling: little worn out but ok
I'm sure most people know by now that I got my own place. So far it's been nice but damn it's been alot of work. Theres just too much to do and not enought time to do it. The Bills are starting up and things are beginging to look serious (or at least for me anyway).
I've been trying my best to get things sorted out but it just seems like every time I do one thing theres two more to do. I've been nit picking through my room to get it all finished. Been in there a week and I still haven't brought all my boxes up into my room. I don't even know what I'm gonna do with all this shit.
My Paranoia is going WILD right now. It's to the point that if I stop and think about it I could have a panic attack. I'm so paranoid that somethings going to happen or someones going to break in and steal my stuff. I've put two more looks on my door since I moved in but none of that matters since the door is a peice of SHIT. I want to get a security door for my room so fricking badly. Just a Big ass metal mother fucker that would take a tank to break down. thats the only way I'll feel remotely safe.
The rest of the house needs so much work as well. The kitchens looking in bad shape right now. We need to do some dishes and it seems like no one wants to. We haven't even put all our stuff away yet. I bought an extra TV for the living room but we don't have a couch or entertainment stand. The dining room still needs a table and we have to put up my dart board as well. UGH.... Too Much Shit To Do!
All in all though it's been a good experience. I just can't wait till we have it all finished.
P.S. I have a cell phone now. If you need the number Email me and I'll either call you or email you back the number
Friday May 12, 2006 1:46am
Feeling: Confused
How the HELL????
My room is Clean???
I have no idea how I did it but I did. I almost finished unpacking all my stuff in my room. I hung up my clothes (for the first time in I'd say about TWO YEARS), unpacked all my boxes and stored everything Neatly, and I'm finished moving in all my furniture. I even went as far as finishing up setting up the Dart board downstairs. I have NO Idea how the hell I did it all in one day. I had Dan and Justin singing Halaiyuya after they saw it. The real merical will be if I can keep it this way.
I just can't beleive my rooms like 90% finished. All I have left to do is plug in my PA system and my second alarm clock, bring a box up stairs and toss it in my closet and then get the cable modem and cable tv connected. Ok, the TV and the modem are gonna be a BITCH but I can't do any of that till I get the cables run into my house.
I SEE FLOOR!!!!!!!
I'm in disbeleif. It's just not natural. It goes against everything I know and understand.
But one things for sure. It does look Nice. I'm really starting to feel at home now. We still need some furniture downstairs though. We need an entertainment stand, a couch and a dining room table and we'll be set.
The guys alwasys used to joke around when I lived with my raise that I had little demons in my room running around under the clutter taking and moving things. No more bedroom Gremlins for me.
Wednesday May 17, 2006 5:20am
Feeling: Satisfied
As of Saterday the 13th "The Curse" has been lifted after 18 months and 9 days I've finaly experienced the one thing I haven't in a long time. It's weird I stopped missing it for so long and now that it's happened again the hole missing it thing has just started right back up agian. I feel so pleased with myself right now. "I'm in my happy place."
What Curse???
If you have to ask yourself that question then you probably haven't spoken to me for awhile. I'm not gonna say it. I'm not gonna answer that question.
The last week has defiantely been something. I should probably be going out of my mind right now because of the new house and the fact that I'm completely broke but I'm surprisingly not. I don't know maybe I finaly found my peace of mind.
I guess the next couple weeks will tell all.
Monday May 22, 2006 4:13AM
Feeling: Happy
Well... I guess I'll just come straight out and say it. I've been seeing someone. Her names Nikkie. Most of you who know me know her by now, or at least know of her through word of mouth. Me and her have been friends for awhile, I'd say between 3 or 4 years now. I dont know, something just clicked, and we kinda just fell into something that makes us "more then friends", or at least for the moment thats what we're calling it.
The last couple of weeks have really been intresting for me. Between getting this new place and settling in now I have someone of intrest in mind. The house his coming along nicely. Ya we have our little bumps in the road but for the most part it's really feeling like home. Adding in Nikkie's pressence and I've found myself quite pleased over the last couple weeks. The only real problem I have is I need a better paying job.
Hmmmm..... May 12th I added an entry that My room was clean. That didn't last long. I ended up destroying my room on the 19th when the cable guy had to install the cable for the internet behind my desk.
...Just a Reminder...
...Just a Reminder...
Saterday June 3rd, 2006 we're having our house wamring party to welecome the end of the world June 6th 2006(6~6~6).
If your 21 or older your invited. Wether it's BYOB or pay at the door we haven't decided yet.
Wednesday May 24th, 2006 11:17pm
Feeling: TIRED
I WANNA GO BACK TO SLEEP!!!!! UGHHHH
Last night I was supposed to work a 16 hour shift. it turned into 17 hours and 35 minutes. I'm surprised I didn't flip my car on the way home. I got 4 hours of sleep and had to come right back to work. My mind is so fucking gone. At least my next pay check is gonna be alot nicer. All I want to do is go home and curl up beside a certain someone in bed and pass the fuck out.
The worse thing about this job right now is that I don't know when I'm gonna be able to see Nikkie agian. Things between me and her are going along smoothly. It so surprising to me how this relationship is progressing. I find myself caring for her alot, or maybe I just really miss her right now. It's that new car smell I swear. We spent alot of time together all at once and then she had to head back to her place. I know I haven't seen her in only a couple days, but I started getting used to having someone around me like that again. It sucks right now.
I'm never as lonely as I am when I'm in a relationship.
(wow nice quote, just made that up)
Well what I mean is I never notess how lonely I can get until I have someone in mind that I could be with. I forgot what it was like to have someone around me so often. Oh great I just relized I'm hooked on companionship Crack again. Have a little and u start wanting more, have to much and you can't do without it without having withdrawls.
It's just too damn bad I like Nikkie so much. But it's more then worth it.
Tuesday May 30, 2006 11:07pm
Feeling: Fucking Hot
Ugh... It was like 98 fucking degrees in my house... we need an Air conditionor so fucking bad. I woke up and my pillow was covered in sweet. Yet another thing to add to the list of shit we still need. It fucking sucks. Moneys so god damn tight and we still need a ton of shit for the house.
On top of all that we have to get the house ready for our little party we're throughing. Hopefully we all chip in and work on this together, cause if I have to do most of this shit myself I swear I'm gonna spazz on someone.
Haven't seen Nikkie for like a week and a half, I'm going through withdraws, and now i find out that she might not even be able to make it to the party. Money is such a huge issue with everyone that I know, it fucking sucks. Everyones either between jobs or looking for a better one. Fucking Democracy.
I just can't fucking wait for Friday. I'll get a nice big pay check, I'm gonna get a few things that I've really been needing. Then I'll throw some money into the party. I gonna be so fucking busy this weekend.
Since we got this place I haven't really had any fun other then when Nikkie came over. Every time I had a day off I'd end up having to work my ass off on some project that would consume my entire weekend. Last week I had to finish installing the Ethernet to the router and I had to finish connecting the cable to the upstairs bed rooms. Then I had to install a new hard drive in my computer and format the damn thing which takes Forever. Rather then having fun all I get to do is lay around exhausted and most likely pass out. At least this weekends running around is to get things ready for the party and then I'll hopefully have some fun for a change.
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