The bombing had left many dead and wounded. The cleanup, which had already been underway for nearly twenty four hours, would continue for at least another day. The Company shrinks were going to be busy for months and perhaps years dealing with the aftermath. Clayton Webb's superiors had already suggested he also seek counselling and he supposed he would, but not until a few days had passed. He'd learned over the years that he needed to deal with events such as these his way before talking it over with anyone.
Besides, he wasn't the only one in trouble here. His people were showing signs of shock, as were some of the military, although the latter were typically sucking it up by pretending they were all right -- most of them anyway. He looked over at Harmon Rabb sitting on the low wall with his head hung down. Dirt and soot and a nasty bruise across his cheekbone marred the beauty of the man's face.
Clay had been drawn to Harm's good looks the day they met, and sometimes thought of him when he was alone and awake in the dark of night. He had resisted more personal interaction at first, thinking the commander was all looks and no brains, but over the years he finally accepted that they were friends. Clayton did not even try to deny it any more, neither to himself nor to Harm. He had pretty much let that cat out of the bag when he freed Rabb's half brother Sergei from a Czechnyan prison, and brought him to the States as a Christmas present for Rabb.
After doing a little checking up on his people, Clay walked over and sat next to Harm. The naval commander did not look up. He turned his torn cover around in his hands over and over. Clay watched the hole in the hat go around for a minute, and then looked towards the remnants of the shelled out compound. The surrounding jungle was still smoking from the explosions.
"You okay, Rabb?" he asked.
"Yeah," Harm croaked out and then cleared his throat.
Sighing, Clay said, "There wasn't anything more you could have done. If you had gone back in that would be you they'd be pulling out in a body bag."
Harm lifted his head and looked where Clayton indicated. Two Marines were carrying a body on a stretcher between them, taking it to add to a growing collection of bodies lying side by side. A faint shudder ran through Harm's body; because he was sitting close enough to be aware of the heat from the other man, Clay felt the tremor. He shifted minutely closer, so that their shoulders touched, providing his version of support. He chanced a sideways look to find Harm staring at him with a slight smile on his lips. The smile vanished as a shadow passed Harm's eyes.
Without even thinking it through, Clayton stood up and said, "Give me five minutes and then we can get out of here."
"Where are you going?" Harm asked, betraying his state of mind through the worry in his voice.
"I need to give my agents some instructions. Then we can go."
Nodding, Harm said, "Okay. Where are *we* going?"
"I don't know. Just...away from here. We've both had enough for today and could use some rest."
"Not sure I can sleep tonight," Rabb mumbled, sinking back into his funk.
Clay looked down at him, one of the few times he could because of the height difference between them when they were both standing. "We'll work on that. Just wait for me?"
"Okay."
#
After taking care of his responsibilities, Clay collected Harm and herded him into the jeep assigned to the commander. They passed through the jungle in silence, the only sound coming from the low roar of the jeep's engine. The rain forest itself was unnaturally quiet. Upon reaching the little village where the CIA had set up their headquarters, Clayton drove down the unpaved street until he found the cantina in which he had spent most of the night before. Harm needed no urging to get out of the vehicle and followed him inside the adobe building. The light in there was dim. The few patrons present barely glanced up as the two Americans entered.
Clay directed Harm towards a table in the back, went to pay for a bottle of what he knew was rotgut and took it to their table. He poured two glasses full and shoved one in front of Rabb.
"Drink up."
He waited until his companion did as he was told, waiting for the reaction. Harm barely refrained from spitting out the drink.
"What the hell is that? It tastes like it's pure alcohol."
"It is," Clay cheerfully informed him. "Or close enough anyway." He downed his own glassful and managed not to choke on it. He'd had a bit of practice with the vile stuff when negotiating with the locals for information. He'd found out later it was considered a test of his manhood to be able to drink it without spewing.
"Isn't this a little below par for you?" Harm asked with a laugh, sounding more like his old self. "I would think some expensive wine would be your choice of drink."
Clay shrugged. "It's either this or watered down beer. At least this has a kick to it."
"Like a mule," Harm agreed. "Are you trying to get me drunk?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"It'll do us both some good to forget this day's events even if only for a few hours."
"Shouldn't one of us be the designated driver?" Harm asked, vaguely amused.
"I rented you a room upstairs."
"What about you?"
"If I pass out down here someone will make sure I get back to Company territory tonight."
"If you pass out...? Somehow that doesn't sound like you."
"There's a lot about me you don't know, Harm." Clayton knew he sounded like he was flirting but he went with his mood. The firefight leading up to the bombing, the chain of explosions that followed, and the sight of those bodies and body parts lying around the compound had rattled him more than he cared to admit. He was feeling a bit reckless tonight.
Harm glanced around the room before leaning across the small table. "You trust these people?"
"Not at all. I do, however, trust my people and they are everywhere, Rabb. Everywhere."
Shooting a covert look at the other patrons as if he could figure out who worked for Webb and who didn't, Harm finally shrugged and picked up his glass again. He tipped it towards Clay in a semblance of a toast and downed the contents in one gulp. His eyes were watering when he came up for air.
Hiding a satisfied smirk, Clayton followed his example.
#
"You're such a lightweight drinker, Rabb."
Clay had wound up steering Harm up the stairs to his room himself. The taller man was getting heavier as he leaned more and more on Clayton, who had an arm wrapped around Rabb's waist. It took three tries to get the door to his room open and Harm was laughing loudly at him by the time it swung inward.
"Be quiet, Rabb!" Clay was nowhere near as drunk as his friend but he was feeling the effects of the alcohol. They staggered into the room leaving the door open.
Clay manoeuvred Harm over to the bed and then just let him fall onto it. The taller man bounced once and lay still. Clay straightened him out so that his head was on the pillow, pulled his shoes and belt off, and stood back to observe his handiwork. Harm's eyes were closed and his breathing evened out. Webb turned to go.
"Don't leave."
"I have to."
"No. Stay with me. Please, Clay?" The blue eyes were open and gazing at him beguilingly.
Cursing himself because he found it hard to resist the Harmon Rabb when he was sober and had no chance now, Clay walked away. "Just let me close the door and use the head."
When he came out of the bathroom Harm was under the blankets with the other side of them flipped back invitingly. At Clay's approach he chuckled, his eyes open.
"You're starting to pick up military jargon, Clay."
"It's easier to pick up bad habits than good ones." His head was feeling thick and his energy was at low ebb as he'd been awake more than forty hours. Standing around staring at the very appealing sight of Harmon Rabb sprawled on a bed waiting for him to join him in it didn't seem to be the smartest thing to do. Since he'd literally dreamed of being in bed with the other man he wondered why he was hesitating. Not that anything was going to happen tonight, if ever. He just did not want to be alone tonight, which is precisely what he would be if he went back to his room at the CIA command centre.
Truthfully, he had had far less to drink of the eye-watering stuff than had Harm. There was only so far Clayton Webb would go towards opening himself up unless he was either alone at home or with someone he trusted with his life. The number of people in the latter category was very few. He had spoken honestly when he told Harm that his people were everywhere. Clay would not put his life or Harm's on the line needlessly in a country where their enemies far outnumbered those of their allies; hence the need to keep some sort of control. He had let his agents know where he was going to be, and as an added measure he had paid his contact to watch the room and make sure no one broke in while he was asleep. The sly looks exchanged between several of those people at the news that he was spending the night with the good looking commander didn't bother him, although he set them straight on the matter for Harm's sake. The thought of being murdered in his sleep did bother him.
He walked around to the far side, sat down to pull off his shoes and lay down fully clothed. No sense inviting trouble or temptation. As soon as his head touched the pillow Harm threw the blankets over top of him.
His eyes shifting in surprise Webb commented, "I thought I was tucking you in tonight."
Rabb laughed quietly. It went on too long, however, and after a minute he placed his hands over his eyes, his frame shaking with suppressed emotion.
"Harm?" Sitting up, Clay touched the other's shoulder. "You okay?"
"Those kids..." was all Rabb got out before the words turned to quiet gasps.
Also haunted by the images of two dozen dead men, women and children in the smoking ruins of the compound back in the jungle, Clay slid his arm under Harm's shoulders and pulled him closer. Gratefully Harm moved into the embrace and clung to Clayton, wrapping his arms around him and burying his head in his chest.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" Harm mumbled. Webb's shirt was getting wet.
"Damned if I know."
Listening to the sniffling, Clay wondered what had recently happened to Rabb that brought him to such a vulnerable point. Normally the JAG lawyer was tougher than this. He'd seen combat in the Gulf War and was given to foolhardy stunts, treading where less brave men feared to go. Certainly the bombing and its aftermath was appalling, and it was impossible not to be shocked by the loss of life, but it was totally unlike Rabb to fall apart like this. Deciding that it must have been the booze that had lowered his defences, Clay rubbed circles on the broad back under his hand, and made soothing noises until Harm's breathing quieted and his own eyes grew too heavy to keep open.
#
When Clay woke up it was pitch dark outside and his left arm was asleep. Confused as to what the weight was on top of him, he cranked his eyes open to see a dark head right under his chin.
Rabb. He remembered now.
"'m sorry."
Startled by the voice, he blurted, "What?"
"I'm drunk. I let my guard down and look what happened."
"Go back to sleep. You can feel sorry for yourself in the morning."
"Clay?"
"What?"
"I feel stupid."
"Then you'll feel worse later."
There was silence for a while and Clay thought Harm had fallen asleep again. But then, "Would now be a good time to tell you that I've had a crush on you for several years?"
His heart rate sped up. "You're in the Navy, Rabb. There's never a good time to say something like that to another man."
Harm moved, pushing his leg between Clay's. Clay shoved it away.
"Don't do anything you're going to regret."
"Don't ask, don't tell just doesn't work."
"How do you know that?"
"I've got friends in the Navy."
Snorting, Clay replied, "I'd be more surprised to find out you have friends who aren't in the Navy."
There was another silence and then Harm said in a low voice, "You're not in the Navy."
"Go back to sleep." Clay lifted his free hand and stroked the short hair on the back of Harm's head.
"I'd rather fuck."
Swallowing his surprise, Clay said, "I doubt if either of us can get it up after all the booze we drank." In fact, he had been half-hard since placing his arm around Harm's waist to lead him upstairs. His body kept telling him that it wanted intimate contact with the handsome lawyer.
"Speak for yourself."
This conversation was surreal and a bit too much for Clay's fuzzy brain. He needed to put an end to it now so they could get some sleep. He'd rather fuck too, but knew it wasn't going to happen tonight.
He took his hand away from Harm's soft hair and slid it between their bodies. He put it between Harm's legs and began stroking the length of flesh through the pilot's pants. It stirred to life but not a lot. After a few moments, Harm lifted his upper body and looked down at himself.
"Huh, I guess you're right." He turned his eyes to Clay's face and frowned worriedly.
Wanting nothing more than to kiss that frown right off the troubled face, Clayton said, "It's just the alcohol at work. I'm sure you'll be fine once it wears off."
"Promise?"
"Jesus, Rabb..." He pulled his hand away from the incredible heat down there.
"Clay?"
"Yeah, I promise. Don't worry about it and go to sleep."
"'Kay." He settled back down, lying half on top of Clayton. "Thanks for staying with me."
"You're welcome." God. He never should have stayed.
#
It was nearly two weeks before they saw each other again. After parting awkwardly the next morning, both of them suffering massive hangovers, they'd gone their separate ways. Harm had been ordered back to the States and Clay had remained to help sort out the mess left by the attack on the compound. When he got back to DC Clay buried himself in his work. He didn't receive any phone calls from the commander and decided not to make contact either. It was better that way.
The nightmares began after he had been back three nights. It got so bad he was afraid to fall asleep and finally went to the Company shrink for help. Talking about what he had witnessed in South America did help somewhat, but the restlessness that accompanied his waking hours did not abate. He knew what he needed to make that happen but resisted it for as long as possible.
Finally he decided that he had to find out once and for all if Rabb's confession had any truth in it. Creating an excuse that would hold gallons of water he drove to Falls Church and walked into the JAG offices. He could have called instead of coming all the way over here, but he was forced to admit to himself that he needed to see Harm.
One of the first people he encountered after entering Ops was Admiral Chegwidden, out of his office in search of a cup of coffee. It must be a slow day if AJ wasn't ordering Tiner to get the coffee for him.
"Webb, you look like hell," greeted Chegwidden.
"Gee. Thanks, AJ."
He walked around him his eyes searching for Rabb. The Admiral stopped him with a slightly concerned expression. "Are you all right? For a sarcastic remark that was pretty half-hearted."
"Well, I thought I'd go easy on you today. Consider it a gift after all the other times when I didn't."
"Your generosity astounds me, Webb."
"Glad you appreciate it, AJ."
Just then his cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his suit jacket pocket. "Webb."
"Hey," Rabb's voice spoke hesitantly in his ear. "I, uh, thought I'd call and see how you're doing. We haven't talked since the, uh, since Colombia."
"I'm fine." He turned away from the Admiral's curious gaze. "How are you?"
"Good."
"Where are you?"
There was a slight hesitation and then the puzzled reply, "I'm in my office. Where are you?"
Biting back a smile, Clay began walking across the room towards a specific door. "I'm outside your office."
"No way."
Clay reached for the doorknob and twisted it. As the door swung open, he said, "Yes way."
Harm looked up with his mouth open. Then he smiled and said, "I'm hanging up now."
"I can see that." While Harm replaced the receiver in its cradle, Clay flipped his cell phone shut.
They regarded each other uncomfortably. The bruise on Harm's face had faded away. It was as if it had never been there. Clay took a deep breath and wished he hadn't when he saw that Harm had noticed. "You free for lunch?"
Rabb nodded. Then he said, "Um, no. I can't. I have court this afternoon and need to go over some things with my client."
"Okay. Well, I'll leave you to it then." He was more disappointed than he should have been.
"Wait." Harm called him back from the door. "How about dinner? This case should be wrapped up today and I don't have anything pressing for the next few days."
"Fine." Clay nodded. "I'll make reservations for eight o'clock?"
"I was thinking more of ordering Chinese and eating in."
Webb's eyes flashed up to meet the blue ones that were watching him with a mixture of hope and curiosity. "Come to my place around 1930," Harm said.
"Can't you just say 7:30?"
"I just did." Harm grinned.
Clayton said, "See you later, Commander."
"See you, Mr. Webb."
#
Sighing, Webb shoved the cartons of food away from him and sat back against the couch cushions. Jazz played softly in the background on the stereo.
"Full?" Harm asked watching his guest carefully.
"That was good. I'll have to remember to go to that restaurant the next time I want a meal that will leave me hungry again an hour later."
"Old joke."
Webb shrugged. "Best I can come up with at the moment. Where's your brother?"
Harm shook his head and smiled to himself. "It was a little surprising, but Sergei and my mother had several long talks on the phone, and then they began exchanging emails. The next thing I know she's inviting him to San Diego for a visit. He left a few days ago and won't be back until the end of the month."
"You were worried she wouldn't accept him."
Harm looked up at the statement and nodded. "There's no reason why she should. He is her late husband's illegitimate son. Not exactly someone she would want to have as part of her life. But they hit it off and apparently have forgotten all about me. I had to call them to find out how their visit was going. They told me they were too busy getting caught up and doing all the touristy things to even send me an email." Harm shook his head again.
"Jealous?" Webb asked.
Harm snorted. "No. I'm a big boy, Clay. I can handle my mother loving my brother like another son."
"Not gonna have a temper tantrum?"
Okay. Now he knew Clay was teasing. "I will not throw myself on the floor and scream until I'm red in the face."
It felt good to have a meaningless conversation and not worry about keeping up appearances. Harm couldn't remember ever doing that with this man. Clay seemed to be enjoying it as much as Harm did, lounging on the couch with his legs stretched out as if he did this all the time. Harm supposed that Webb did relax now and then, but had no clue as to what his friend did to unwind from the pressures of his job, and God only knew what those pressures were exactly.
"You're mellowing in your old age, Clay," Harm observed. Then he asked curiously, "How old are you, anyway? And don't say it's classified."
A shade of the old, "need-to-know" Webb returned. Dropping his gaze to the newspaper sitting on the table nearby, he said, "I'll answer your question when I get to know you better."
"We got drunk together, Clay. We even slept in the same bed and please tell me I didn't do or say anything embarrassing that night."
A small smirk appearing on his lips, Clay said, "Well, there was one thing."
"What was it? Tell me." Harm was genuinely worried, as there were all sorts of things he didn't want Clayton Webb to know.
"You really don't remember what you said or did?"
"No. I do not. Now tell me!"
"You drooled on me."
"What? I did not."
Clay nodded, holding his gaze.
"You're making that up."
"Nope."
Rabb switched tactics to avoid further embarrassment. "We did share a moment down there in Colombia. I wasn't the only one who let his guard down that night. Although, it's possible you didn't do or say anything stupid -- that I can remember."
"That's because there's nothing to remember."
Rabb's eyes widened. "Hey! You held me."
Clay stared at him. "Is that an accusation?"
"Well, no."
"It sounded like one."
"It wasn't." Harm let his eyes open wider. "I'm only saying that you offered some comfort at a time when I needed it and I'd like to think that it helped you as well."
"It did."
"Yeah?"
Clay looked like he had an urge to wipe the grin off Harm's face. He sighed instead. "We were both traumatized by the bombing. We didn't get any decent sleep for several days beforehand, and it all came to the fore that night."
"Plus you plied me with that firewater and lowered my defences."
"I told you, Harm. You're a lightweight. You can't hold your liquor."
Harm looked at him sideways. "You weren't trying to get me into bed were you?"
"You were blitzed out of your skull, Harm."
"Thanks to you I was, yeah, and don't avoid answering the question."
"I couldn't let you sleep it off in the cantina. You would have been lucky if the local thieves left you your underwear."
"That's not what I meant and you know it." Harm knew that Webb was attracted to him. The spy was extremely good at hiding his feelings, but that night in that dingy room when Harm had jammed his knee against Webb's groin, he had felt the partial arousal that Webb tried to hide, saying that neither of them could get it up. Unfortunately that had been true in Harm's case. It was really all he could remember from that night. Extreme humiliation had a way of burning itself on one's memory.
Harm stared into the greenish eyes that were now regarding him with some wariness. If he never did another thing in his life he wanted to at least find out if there was a chance at some form of intimacy with this exasperating man. He knew he had to be the one to make the first move. Webb wasn't going to do it.
He got up and walked over to the couch, sitting next to the other man.
"Clay, can we just be honest with each other?"
"I thought we were."
Harm couldn't help but smile at the irony of that statement, considering Clayton Webb was a master at evading the truth. His smile froze about the same time as his gut clenched when he heard Webb's next words.
"Are you going to tell me about the crush you have on me?"
"Uh." Well. That was an intelligent response. Harm tried again. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Clayton shook his head slowly, looking disappointed. Of course that could mean anything with him. "What happened to honesty, Harm? You told me this yourself. Are you saying that you lied then or are you lying now?"
Blushing furiously, Harm got up and walked toward the kitchen area of his loft. He needed to think this through. How could he just admit to something that he had kept secret for more than five years? If Webb was playing him as a means to his own end, then Harm knew he had to deny, deny, deny. What if the spy wanted to blackmail him? If the truth got out he could end up in Leavenworth. Maybe he was panicking needlessly, or maybe not.
He watched as Webb got up and sauntered over to stand on the opposite side of the counter.
"I figured you were telling the truth and it wasn't simply the delusions brought on by the booze once I got here and saw this set-up."
Harm was really confused now. "Now wait a damn minute! I'm not setting you up for anything."
An expression Harm had never seen before crossed Webb's face. It looked like self-disgust. Then the spy shook his head and replied, "Poor choice of words. I meant that obviously you went to some trouble to create a setting here, or a mood perhaps, for our...date?"
"D-date?"
"Yeah. The lighting, the music, I figured it was a date. If I'm wrong, then I apologize."
"You're not wrong," Harm mumbled.
"Excuse me?"
Clearing his throat, Harm repeated in a stronger voice, "You're not wrong. I guess I was subconsciously trying to create a certain," he floundered for the word.
"Ambience?" Webb suggested with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, that." His self-consciousness gave way to defensiveness. "If you're going to use this against me, maybe to get me to help you with your cases or whatever the hell mad scheme you decide to cook up, then you better think again!"
Webb raised his hands in a calming gesture. "Whoa, big fella. I'm hurt that you would believe that about me."
Taking a deep breath to really let him have it, Harm registered the words and the look on Webb's face. Despite the flippant tone there was genuine hurt in those green eyes. It stopped Harm cold.
"God, Clay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I know you better now and I know that you are a decent man, and not the heartless, soulless bastard you pretend to be at times. You did go to a lot of trouble to bring Sergei to me."
"Simply a favour for a friend."
"It was more than that. You risked your career and your life to accomplish that simple favour."
Clay blinked and looked away.
"How do you feel about me?" Harm boldly asked. He was getting impatient with this dance they were doing around each other. There were some things he wanted to know, needed to know.
Flicking his eyes up, Webb stared for a moment and then said carefully, "It's possible that I feel the same way."
He walked around the counter to stand on the other side with Webb. "Possible?"
Looking up at him, Webb said softly, "I've been thinking about it a lot ever since Colombia, and before that, the idea of you and me together. I'm not exactly sure how you feel, Harm. I know that you have what you call "a crush", but I don't know how serious you are in your feelings towards me. A crush is a term that school kids use. I hope that whatever this is between us is more adult than that."
Harm nodded. "Oh, yeah."
Webb laughed quietly, and then sobered and said, "You don't exactly have an outstanding track record with your relationships. I'm not looking for that level of commitment from you. If it happens then it's something we can explore, but for now..." he trailed off.
"For now you're only looking for sexual gratification." Harm tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice and thought he succeeded.
"To be honest, I'm not sure. You intrigue me, Harm. It's why I keep coming back to you for help with my cases." He shrugged. "I guess I just wanted to spend time with you."
"You could have approached me with the truth."
Webb snorted and crossed his arms over his chest, protecting himself in some way. "Yeah, right. The face you show the world is of a guy who likes gorgeous blonde women with legs as long as I am tall. Also, there's that weird thing you have going on with Mac. You have perfected the image of a straight man and you managed to convince yourself of it along the way. Tell me where in there I would get the idea that you might be interested in dating me?"
"How about here?" Harm took the one step that would bring him into Clay's personal space. He placed his hands on either side of the other man's face and leaned down until he could smell the mint of Clay's mouthwash. Then Harm touched his lips to Clay's, terrified that this entire conversation was just another dream. But Clay opened his mouth to him and allowed Harm to slide his tongue in. The kiss deepened. Clay's arms dropped to his sides before he reached out to rest his hands on Harm's hips. One of them slid around to caress Harm's lower back. It was definitely not a dream, but very real and very warm where curious fingers stole under the hem of Harm's tee shirt to stroke his bared skin.
They parted reluctantly and stepped apart to stare at each other. Clay was breathing harder than he had been a few moments ago, but then so was Harm.
"That went well," Clayton commented with a rather stunned smile.
"Sure did." Harm licked his lower lip trying to recapture the taste of the kiss. He tried to sort out the myriad of sensations he was feeling, but all he came up with was an unvoiced, "Wow!"
When Clay reached for him he willing entered the other's embrace, winding his arms around him and melding his body against Clay's. Despite at least five inches difference in their heights, they fit well together. Their groins clashed, heat spreading outward. Harm rubbed his growing erection against the answering hardness he felt there. Clay's inquisitive right hand went exploring again and clamped onto Harm's ass, squeezing and kneading through the denim jeans.
When they broke apart this time they were panting heavily. Clay's reddish brown hair was falling into his eyes. He started to sweep it back but Harm stopped him with a light touch to his wrist, and gently brushed it aside only part of the way.
"I've wanted to do that for a long time," he explained, and was rewarded with a smile that could only be described as happy. It thrilled Harm that he was the one to put a smile like that on the face of a man like Clayton Webb. He was certain that there was a really dopey smile on his own face.
"Come here," Clay beckoned. "There's something I want to do again."
Harm knew want that was and readily dove in for another kiss. While he enjoyed the softness of the lips under his, Clayton turned him so that his back was against the wooden counter. Then he pulled Harm's tee shirt all the way out of his pants and skimmed his hands over Harm's ribs and torso. Harm squirmed away from the touch. When Clayton looked up in puzzlement, he explained sheepishly, "Ticklish."
Drawn inexorably back to each other, they continued trading kisses. Harm decided to do a little exploring of his own and tugged at the tail of Clay's short-sleeved shirt, freeing it from the waistband of the tan slacks. His fingers stole underneath to the warm skin of Clay's back, and then he brought his hand around to run upwards across the smooth chest. He encountered a smattering of hair above and between the pectorals, and from there he sought out the nipples, which hardened under his touch. Clay moaned softly.
Pulling back Harm stared at this man whose eyes were closed in pleasure, while Harm continued to flick his thumb over the stiff flesh. He was doing this to Clayton Webb. It was a fantasy come to life.
"What's with the stupid grin?"
Harm looked at him, realizing that he had missed Clay opening his eyes.
"Nothing. Just having a good time."
With an affectionate yet exasperated look, Clay said, "Not as good a time as I'm having. Do you think you could keep doing what you're doing?"
Instead of taking the rather broad hint, Harm slid his hands downwards over the soft hair on Clay's arms. Grasping the spy's wrists he led him towards the couch.
Clay, however, had other ideas. He balked at being pulled down onto the cushions and instead took charge, tugging Harm towards the bedroom.
It was Harm's turn to hesitate. He stopped walking causing Clay to stop also.
"What's wrong?"
"Uh," Harm cleared his throat but could not say anything further.
"Are we going too fast?"
"Yeah, kinda."
Webb's eyes narrowed. "Tell me something, Harm?"
"O-kay." Jesus, his throat was dry.
"Have you ever had sex with another man?"
"Not really, no."
"How far did you get?"
Drawing a painful breath into his tight chest, he replied, "This is it."
Gazing at him with something akin to concern, Clayton said, "I thought..."
"You thought what?"
"I figured you were deep in the closet but that you had some experience with men. You are gay, right?"
"Well," he began, uncomfortable with this close examination of his sexual preferences. He knew it was a stupid reaction, but he had never said any of this out loud before. Instinctively, he got defensive. He snapped, "Are you gay?"
Clay shrugged nonchalantly. "I can go either way."
Great. Once again Clayton Webb would be one up on him. Suddenly, Harm didn't want to continue with this situation. His stomach was churning anyway, and he felt slightly ill. That realization made it all worse. His first opportunity and it was over before they got to the fun stuff.
Clay was regarding him intently. He stepped closer and touched the back of Harm's hand.
"Don't be afraid," he whispered, lifting his hand to cup Harm's cheek. "We won't do anything you're not comfortable with. I promise. Now, come with me."
Trusting in the soft voice and the newfound connection he had with Webb, Harm allowed himself to be led into the bedroom. They walked past the cinderblock and glass brick wall, kicked their shoes off and knelt together in the middle of the bed. Clay kept his eyes locked on Harm's, encouraging and reassuring him. He coaxed him to lie down, stretching out beside him, all the while stroking his arms and his back. Harm found Clay's touch very soothing. When they were face to face on the pillows Harm took a chance and leaned closer to offer a kiss. Clay accepted it readily and they just lay there for a while, kissing and touching.
When Harm was relaxed Clay said, "Can I ask you something?"
Knowing he was going to ask about his earlier reaction, Harm nodded, prepared to answer.
"Have you never been with a man at all?"
Judging by the shrewd gaze, Harm knew that Webb had at least partially figured it out. "Once. It...went badly."
"Tell me about it."
"You were right. I am deep in the closet. I have to be because I'm in the Navy, but I really buried myself in there for years. I guess you could say I was in a state of denial. I enjoyed being with Annie, and Jordan and Renee and all the others, but it wasn't good enough. It felt like I was missing out on something. Finally, one night out of sheer frustration I drove to Baltimore to a club I'd heard about. I let myself get picked up by this guy. He was hot and he was interested. That's all I cared about. We went to his place and pretty soon we were in bed. He got rough and he...hurt me. Then he was done and telling me to get out so he could get some sleep. I got dressed, and then I pulled him off the bed and decked him. I went out, got in my car and came home and used up all the hot water showering his smell off me. That was my one and only time with a man."
Harm was shaking with emotion and lay back to stare miserably at the ceiling. Clay moved closer and leaned over him. Daring to look at him, Harm saw that Clay was aching on his behalf. He swallowed the lump in his throat.
"I won't hurt you. I promise."
"You won't use your experience to control me or our relationship, will you?" It was more of a statement than a question because he knew the answer to that.
Clay's eyes closed briefly. When he opened them he just looked sad. "My experience isn't so vast as I might have lead you to think. In fact, I've only been with a man a few times and they went about as well as your one time did."
"You were with just the one guy?"
Nodding, Clay rolled over to lie on his back, his arm touching Harm's.
"It was someone I had a crush on." He glanced over and smiled self-deprecatingly. "I was in college, everyone was experimenting so it was all very natural to pursue this relationship. We slept together three times and each time he finished first leaving me to jerk off. He didn't even watch. He was always asleep by the time I finished. I left him after the third night."
"Three strikes and he's out," Harm said softly.
"Yeah." Webb was silent for a minute. "You won't tell anyone, will you?" Typical of Webb, he almost made it sound like a threat.
"Of course not. It's no one's business but yours." His hand stole over to touch Clay's, and he wound their fingers together.
"And now yours."
Their eyes met in silent understanding. Harm was more grateful than he could articulate that Clayton trusted him with this information. It struck him that no matter what else happened between them, they had entered a special new phase of their friendship.
He cleared his throat. "So what do we do next?"
"We take it slow."
"No, I mean what do we do next? You're the expert here. Teach me."
"Oh. I'm hardly an expert since what I did was over so quickly I was barely involved in the process, but I think between us we can figure it out."
"I did a little surfing on the Internet. Found out a few things," Harm admitted. "Maybe if we apply our imaginations we can learn what works best?"
"You're sure you still want to?" Clay asked.
"Damn straight!" Harm exclaimed.
Then they both realized what he had said and burst out laughing. Harm decided he liked the way Clay's face softened and how he looked younger when he laughed. God, he was getting sappy.
Clay got up on his knees and reached for the bottom of Harm's tee shirt, pulling it upwards until it went over Harm's head. Clay bit his lip as he gazed down at him, his eyes darkening with desire. Then his hands went unerringly to undo the button and zipper of Harm's jeans. Swiftly he dragged them and Harm's boxers down his legs. Harm helped by kicking them off onto the floor. He started unbuttoning Clay's shirt while his would-be lover started to remove his own pants. It turned into a race, and since Clay was ahead Harm skipped a few buttons and ended up pulling the shirt off over Clay's head.
Now they were both naked and stretched out on their sides facing each other, studying and enjoying what they were seeing. Clay was more toned than Harm had guessed. He needed a bit more work on his abs if he was so inclined, but Harm decided he liked the not quite sculpted shape of Clay's body. The man had nothing to be ashamed of in that department.
They also both took the time to get a good look at the other's penis. Harm was fascinated that Clay was as large as he was if not a bit larger. With some trepidation he encircled the shaft, letting the weight of the half-erect organ rest in his palm. This was the first time he had ever touched another man's cock. Feeling the hot velvety flesh swell and lift within the circle of his fingers was nothing short of miraculous. His own cock twitched and filled in response.
In turn, Clay wrapped his hand around Harm's length and pumped it a few times, rubbing his thumb across the slit until it wept and Harm was nearly incoherent. He cried out but had no idea what he said. All he knew was that he wanted Clay to keep doing what he was doing.
"Please."
"Please, what?" Clay continued with his ministrations and Harm pushed his hips up, wordlessly encouraging him to keep going.
Clay kissed him deeply on the mouth and then kissed and nibbled his way up Harm's neck to suck on an earlobe. Harm licked his way down Clay's body until he located one of those sensitive nipples, and he took it into his mouth. He sucked and licked until it peaked and Clay was writhing underneath him. Harm rubbed his nose in the sparse chest hair and breathed in the male scent of his new lover.
Clay grabbed him by the upper arms and dragged him up his body. Harm was momentarily overwhelmed by the knowledge that Clay was strong, and by the sensation of being physically handled by someone at least as strong as he was. This was where the difference in the sexes came into play. Apart from the obvious disparity in equipment and shape, it was exciting being with someone who could easily dominate him, or at least put up a good attempt. For now he let Clay pull him up until they were face to face again. They met in another soul burning kiss. Clay apparently enjoyed kissing as much as he did. He could live with that.
There was now a quiet desperation to their kisses. The electric current humming through Harm's body had reached his groin and set it on fire. He thrust blindly, searching for contact with Clayton and getting it when the spy ground himself against Harm. Frantically, they slid and bumped up against each other, their movements growing in intensity and becoming increasingly erratic. Out of control now, they built the pressure until Harm could not hold back any longer and came messily all over Clay's stomach. That set Clay off and he also erupted adding to the sticky wetness on their skin.
They rolled apart and struggled to regain control of their breathing. After lying in silence for a few minutes, both of them staring up at the ceiling, Harm rolled onto his side so that he was facing Clay.
"Is it good etiquette to fall asleep now?"
Clay looked at him, and grinned. "We're guys, aren't we? Unless you wanted to talk about something?"
Harm lifted his right shoulder in a shrug. "It's just that this, you and me, came about because of our mutual rockiness over the bombing in Colombia. I don't know how you've been handling it since we got back -- before today, that is. I was wondering if you're okay. Meant to ask earlier today when you came to JAG. You didn't look so good, about as well as I felt. Are you okay?"
Reaching out to trail the back of his fingers along Harm's shoulder and arm, Clay replied, "Let's just say that I'm better now."
"Clay..."
"I'm all right, Harm. I did have trouble dealing with the aftermath of the bombing. I suspect I will still have problems for a while, but after today, after being with you, well, I'm going to rest easier. You are a comfort to me, Harm, whether or not we have sex. Although I gotta say I like the having sex part." He grinned again. "Well, that was really sappy. How are you feeling?"
"I've been having these dreams... I think that it might be easier to handle them now."
Clay's expression turned serious and he threaded his fingers through Harm's hair. "I've been having dreams too -- nightmares, actually. The Company sent me for counselling. Have you gotten any help?"
"No."
"Think about it, okay? It might help more than you expect."
"Okay," Harm agreed. "The Admiral did suggest it to me last week."
"Listen to him, Harm. He understands. He must have seen enough horror in Viet Nam to know what you...what we are going through."
"All right. I'll...I'll call someone tomorrow. The Admiral said he had a number of a doctor."
"Good. Can we go to sleep now?"
Smiling broadly, Harm said, "Yeah. We can sleep now."
"You can sleep on the wet spot."
"We're going to be awfully sticky by morning." Harm glanced down at the semen drying on his chest and stomach. "Or sooner."
Sighing, Clay rolled off the bed, removed his watch and beckoned, "Come on. Shower. Then sleep."
Harm followed him into the bathroom, watched as he turned the faucets on and tested the water, and then let himself be guided in under the spray. When Clay joined him in there he felt weirdly self-conscious about his nudity. They were in the shower where he didn't usually wear clothes. They had just made hot, sweaty love, not one minute of it spent under the covers. Why was he so aware of his naked body now? The answer was because of the equally naked man standing so closely behind him reaching around him for the soap.
Clay seemed to be unaware of his unease and began producing a thick lather on the loofah. He placed the soap back in its holder. Then he surprised Harm by gently rubbing the loofah over Harm's back. The steady circular motion had its effect, relaxing the lawyer. He leaned on the wall and closed his eyes while Clay washed him clean. After taking care of the tense back muscles, Clay administered to Harm's front and his legs. Setting the loofah sponge aside he slowly circled the groin, and then delved between Harm's legs with his bare soapy hand to roll the balls in his fingers. Harm sucked in a ragged breath and spread his legs farther apart, putting much of his weight on his hands against the wall.
The attention down there had an expected effect. He was erect and aching and hoping that Clay was going to do something about it. Clay did do something. He washed away the soap and then knelt in front of Harm. The fact that he hesitated before doing more than slide his hands up the muscular thighs told Harm that Clay had never done what he was going to do but he wanted to do it anyway, and Harm really hoped he would do it soon. Licking his lips, Clay took Harm into his mouth.
The heat of that orifice nearly made Harm come immediately. It wasn't going to take much to finish this.
Clay used his lips and tongue, learning what was best from the little moans and gasps Harm was making. He dropped one hand to clutch at Clay's head and then his shoulder, squeezing while he tried to communicate with incomprehensible words that he was going...to...come. He shot his load down Clay's throat and Clay heroically swallowed as much as he could. When he stood up to support Harm, whose legs were nearly too shaky to keep him upright, he swiped at the trickle of semen on his chin.
"Sorry," Harm whispered. "I did try to warn you."
"It's okay. It's actually not that bad." Then Clay stretched up to kiss him and Harm tasted himself on the other man's lips.
"Now we can go to bed." Clay quickly soaped himself, rinsed off and then shut off the water.
"But you didn't," Harm started to say as he was steered out of the shower.
"You can take care of it in the morning." Clay dried off both of them, grabbed another dry towel and gently pushed Harm into the bedroom.
While Clay stripped the bed of the soiled sheet and placed the towel over the remaining damp spot, Harm asked, "You're staying until morning?"
"Is that okay?"
"Of course. I just thought you'd want to do your secret agent thing and slink off into the night."
"I can slink off before it gets light," Clay said playfully.
Harm grinned tiredly and was only too happy to collapse in his bed when urged to do so. Clayton climbed in beside him, drew the blanket up over them, and closed his eyes. Harm stared at him until his eyes grew too heavy to keep open.
#
Shortly before dawn, Webb awoke. He didn't suffer the usual disorientation of wondering where he was, instead immediately remembering making love with Harmon Rabb and falling asleep in his bed. Harm was presently curled up behind Clay with his arms wrapped around him holding him tightly.
He could see the time on the illuminated dial of his watch sitting on the nightstand. It was 4:16. He had a few minutes before he needed to get out of here and go home. He had budget meetings on the Hill all morning and besides, it wouldn't be sensible to be seen leaving the building. If they decided to continue this level of their relationship, and he hoped they would, discretion would become their constant companion. They would have to be very careful how and where they were seen together. It helped that they were friends and that they occasionally worked together.
The CIA was a bit more open-minded about homosexuality than was the military. It was in Clay's file that he was bisexual even though this was the first time he had pursued a relationship with another man since joining the Company. Despite that he would be expected to keep it discreet, an open secret as it were. It was Harm's career that was at stake now. He could be court-martialled and end up in prison simply because he desired a man instead of a woman. It was an attitude that belonged in the Dark Ages. Then Clay laughed to himself. With Harm's track record of serial dating that should count as a credit if his present relationship were ever found out.
"Wuz so funny?"
Clay rolled over to look at his lover blinking sleepily at him. "Hey. You're supposed to be asleep."
"I am."
"Hate to break it to you, Harm, but you're not."
Yawning, Harm mumbled, "Whatever."
"Go back to sleep. I have to leave now."
One eye opened. "I owe you a blow job."
Grinning, and thinking that he hadn't smiled this much in years, Clay told him, "I'll collect another time."
"When?"
His grin fading, Clay said, "We have to be careful, Harm."
"I know that. There is going to be another time, right? I mean this wasn't a one night stand."
"Not a one night stand," Clay assured him. "If you want to continue this then I'm willing."
"Yes." Harm lightly touched his fingertips to Clay's face, dragging them along his jaw line. "First time I woke up with a bed partner who needs a shave."
The fingers trailed up over Clay's cheekbone and eyebrow, and then down the side of his nose, lingering over his mouth. Clay parted his lips slightly and captured the tip of one of Harm's fingers. Staring deeply into one another's eyes they drew closer meeting in a soft kiss.
"Did you sleep well?" Harm asked when they stopped.
"Best sleep I've had in two weeks," he lied. There were vestiges of some brutal images but not nearly as bad as previously.
"No nightmares?"
"Not even a dream about AJ Chegwidden breaking my nose."
Harm laughed. "That doesn't still bother you, does it?"
"No. I was joking."
"Do it more often. I like it."
"I really have to go."
"Okay. When can we see each other again?"
"I'll call you tonight and we can make plans."
Harm nodded. "Why do I get the feeling this isn't going to be all sunshine and roses?"
"Our jobs are going to keep us apart more often than not. I'm out of the country a lot of the time."
"I can deal with that. My time is not exactly my own either."
"We can work around it." Clay said what he knew Harm wanted to say.
"Yes. We can."
"All right then." Clay rolled over, flipping back the covers and got out of bed. He pulled on his shorts before turning around. Harm looked so damn good sprawled there with his hair sticking up and his long legs spread wantonly. True, the blanket covered him from the waist down, but Clay now knew what he looked like naked and could picture quite clearly what was his for the taking if only he didn't have to leave. He gathered up his clothes and dressed quickly before he threw himself back in that bed. Begging for sex just didn't go with his cultivated image of the cool, hard to ruffle Deputy Director of Counter-Intelligence for the CIA. Harm now knew that the man behind the image was as vulnerable as anyone, but without that information they would not have reached this point so the sacrifice was worth it. Clay now knew that the arrogance that went with being a Navy pilot covered up Harm's vulnerability. For once they were on even footing. Maybe they had been all along but just hadn't known it.
"I'm going."
Harm sat up and reached for him. Clay went willingly to the side of the bed and bent to receive Harm's kiss. He pulled back after it and pushed his fingers through the short, spiky hair.
"Go back to sleep."
Harm lay down. "See you."
"Later." Clay walked out of the apartment.
#
Harm sighed heavily. He was about ninety-nine percent sure Clay really wanted to continue this relationship. He wasn't asking for love or a commitment, but he hoped that they could find some happiness together. If last night was any indication that would be easier than he thought. It all depended on that other one percent.
He sighed again.
Casting his gaze towards the clock on the nightstand it settled on the object sitting beside it -- Clay's watch. There was no way that Clayton Webb would forget an expensive piece like that white gold Rolex. He'd be back.
Harm burrowed into the pillows and fell asleep with a smile on his face.