Welcome to the world of Stephen Cole.

 

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy eveningwear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; and when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

 

E-mail me: mailto:galornden@yahoo.com

 

 

Links

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Online Shopping

Chips & Bits (Games):	http://www.cdmag.com/cgi-bin/order.cbi_home
Amazon.com (Books & much more):	http://www.amazon.com/
CDNow.com (CDs & much more):	http://www.cdnow.com/

Entertainment

TV Guide online:	http://www.tvguide.com/
Moviephone:	http://www.moviefone.com/
Star Trek:	http://www.startrek.com/
The SCIFI Channel:	http://www.scifi.com/
Project Gutenberg (free books online):	http://promo.net/pg/

Misc.

Hubble Space Telescope:	http://www.ncc.com/misc/hubble_sites.html
Jet Propulsion Laboratory:	http://www.jpl.nasa.gov/
Joke Archives:	http://www.jokesgallery.com/http://www.looniebin.mb.ca/archives.htm
AOL (Many services now available from web):	http://www.aol.com/
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Anarchy

Warez:	http://www.warezlist.com/c/in.cgi/nn971y3cj
Adult Passwords:	http://www.ultrapasswords.com/

 

 

 

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