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chain of command,
part three
(The Final Insult)

The bridge. DATA is playing with chinese finger puzzle. WILL RIKER sits in captain's chair, with a Virtual Reality gaming headset (similar to the one seen in the "GAME" in front of his eyes, smiling broadly and from time to time gasping in extasy. DEANNA is sitting next to him, wearing a very tight tank top and bike shorts.

PICARD walks in.

PICARD: Status report, Number One !

RIKER: Uh ... mmmm.... ooooh...Captain on the bridge !

WORF (FROM TACTICAL): Sir. We were hailed by Admiral Nechayev's ship 2 hours ago. She wants to come aboard and talk to you.

PICARD: Why wasn't I informed ?

TROI: Well, Sir, you needed to spend some time on the holodeck... to relax... to rest...Whatever Admiral Nechayev has to say, I am sure it can wait.

WORF: Besides, Sir, whenever we call you off the holodeck, it breaks down and we end up with another holodeck episode. We decided not to risk it.

PICARD: A prudent choice, Mr WORF. Very well, open the hailing frequencies.

WORF: Who do you think I am, Lieutenant UHURA ?

TROI: I'll do it.

Walks up to tactical and opens the hailing freqencies, while WORF is staring at her revealing attire.
ADMIRAL NECHAYEV appears on the screen.

PICARD (quickly) :Admiral, I apologize for the delay... We will beam you aboard at once.

TROI closes hailing frequencies and walks away from tactical. WORF sighs in disappointment.

PICARD (heading to turbolift) Number One , Counsellor, Mr Data, you are with me.

DATA and TROI follow him.
RIKER remains on the bridge, totally absorbed in the virual reality game.

O'BRIEN: Captain, I am loosing her pattern.

PICARD: Why? What's wrong with the transporter ?

O'BRIEN: Nothing. I just can't seem to concentrate today.

Finally, NECHYAEV materizlizes on the platform.

PICARD: Welcome aboard, Admiral.

Extends his hand to help her off the transporter platform..

NECHAYEV: (Pushes his hand away):  I am not here to exchange greetings, Captain. . I am here to bitch. You are going to be relieved of command during a humiliating public ceremony. Then, while you are still getting over the shock of it, you will be sent off with a mismatched team on a hopeless mission. Meanwhile, some madman will be in charge of your ship. Any questions?

PICARD: No. Sounds reasonable. Just one thing... who exactly will be in command while I am gone?

NECHAYEV:  That remains to be seen. Probably that maniac from RoboCop.

TROI and O'BRIEN gasp in horror.

PICARD to TROI : Tell everyone to dress funny and stand by. The new captain may arrive any time.

TROI leaves, trembling.

PICARD to NECHAYEV: Well, Admiral... Can you tell me about the mission now?

NECHAYEV:  No. You are not upset enough to discuss it. Besides, it's always best to cram the specs and prepare for the mission in the last moment. Dismissed.

PICARD, RIKER, TROI, BEVERLY, WORF, LA FORGE are sitting idly, waiting with apprehension.
TROI is wearing a bikini suit. RIKER, without the virual reality set looks sick and restless. WORF is growling.

NECHAYEV walks in. Everybody stands up.

NECHAYEV: Well, let the humiliation begin! First of all, I  present your new Captain....(Pauses dramatically) Captain Bilko, formerly known as sergent Bilko !

BEVERLY starts crying.

BILKO walks toward PICARD, rips off Picard's rank insignia from his collar and pokes him in the chest.

BILKO (to PICARD): I relieve you ! Go away. Get lost.

PICARD (sadly) Yes, sir.

NECHAYEV: Due to the lack of time, we will forego the ancient tradition of mooning the former Captain. However...
(to BILKO):  Captain...If you please!

BILKO throws a rotten tomato at PICARD. Boo! Sucker ! Looser ! I got your ship !!! starts making faces at PICARD.

NECHAYEV (after 5 minutes) : Alright, fine. You can stop now. I think he got the point.

BILKO: Everyone, BACK TO YOUR POOOOSTS!!! DISMISSED! GOOOO! NOW! ROOM INSPECTION IN 20 MINUTES!!!

Everyone runs out of Ten - Forward quickly. BEVERLY remains lying on the floor.

PICARD (comes to BEVERLY and trys to comfort her)

NECHAYEV: Well, that resolves my next dilemma. Who to send on the away mission along with PICARD.

BILKO: I agree completely! She is obvously weak, emotinonal and unstable. That makes her an excellent candidate for any commando team.

NECHAYEV: Not only that. PICARD is obviously attached to her. Having her along will make it easier for him to make critical and important decisions.

BILKO: Flawlessly logical, Admiral.

NECHAYEV: Well, i did audit for part of the mad vulcan in Star Trek V...say.... who else should we send along ?

BILKO: I don't know... They all seem pathetic enough... Let's draw names from a hat.

NECHAYEV: An excellent idea !

BILKO and NECHAYEV write names on pieces of paper and toss them in a hat.
NECHAYEV draws. Looks at the piece of paper, then smiles.

BILKO: Well ?

NECHAYEV: Weasley Crusher. Wonderful !It will be just like a family trip.

BILKO: Well, we are striving to be a family show!

BEVERLY: Well, what's going on ?

WESLEY : Yeah, what's happening. It's about time you told us.

PICARD: Quiet both of you ! We are on a very important mission.. I am now going to explain everything, so listen carefully, because if I have to repeat this technobabble over and over again, I will go insane.  A race known as Binarians...

WESLEY: Binarians? You mean, the evil alien race that infiltrated Earth in 20th century and plagued humanity with things like VISUAL J++, HOTMAIL and MICROSOFT INTERNET EXPLORER???

PICARD: Yes, that's right. It seems that they are rumored to be developing the metageneric virus.

WESLEY: Oh, no!

BEVERLY: I am not familiar with metagenerics.

PICARD: It's a computer virus developed in such a way that it will override all the software in enemy computers, and then install a new software, called WINDOWS. Once installed, WINDOWS  reduces perfectly good machines into scrap metal. If this should happent to us we will be left completely defenceless.

BEVERLY: But weren't WINDOWS outlawed in 21st century on ? Even the Romulans admitted that using WINDOWS...

PICARD: (Impatiently) Well, seems that binarians have changed their mind about it. Our orders are to find the virus while it's still in beta stage and destroy it. At any cost.

BEVERLY: What do you mean, exactly, "at any cost?"

PICARD: Oh, don't worry about it. It's just a figure of speech. Unfortunately, the only clue as to location of the secret facility that we have is a 2 year old posting to a "STARTREK"  newsgroup. So we still have three or four solar systems to search - It may take us weeks to do that. Anyways, Wesley is coming along because he is the only hacker we have aboard. Beverly, you are on this team becauase you dance and can hold trhree baseballs in your mouth at once. Any questions ?

WESLEY: Yes, Captain. Why are you on the team ?

PICARD: (embarrassed) Hmm...I forgot to ask... Well, I am sure there is a reasonable expla..( Looks on his data PADD ) Oh, merde!

WESLEY: What is it, Sir ? 

PICARD: It says that this Mission Impossible summary will self - destruct in 20 seconds! Computer, initiate emergency transport !

WESLEY: But Captain, we are in the middle of nowhere!!! ( panicking ) There are no inhabited planets nearby! Aaaaaaaaaaaah !

PICARD: Shut up, Welsely!

COMPUTER: Initiating emergency transport. Stand by.

THE SHUTTLECRAFT EXPLODES IN A BLAZING DISPLAY OF FIREWORKS. IT IS UNKNOWN WHETHER THE AWAY TEAM SURVIVED.

BILKO: TROI! We need some formality on the bridge ! Negotiations with Binarians begin in 30 minutes ! Go get dressed !

TROI (sobbing ) IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT - FINE !!! (Runs into the turbolift and starts crying hysterically)

 BILKO: DATA! GET RID OF THE DAMN FINGER - PUZZLE !

DATA: But Sir, I am on a quest to become more human...

BILKO: You are on a quest to become demoted ! (Rips off the finger puzzle from DATA's figners) 

DATA: Ooooh.

BILKO to RIKER (shaking the VR gameset): Is this YOURS ???

RIKER: Sir, It is my understanding you can no longer ask me that question.

BILKO: Okay, that's it! GO TO YOUR ROOM ! 

RIKER gets up and casually grabs the VR gameset.

BILKO: Nice try, RIKER. Snatches the gameset from him.

RIKER LEAVES THE BRIDGE, FUMING

WORF: Captain, Commander Riker is my friend... I  think you are being too hard on him!

BILKO: SHUT UP, WORF.

WORF: scowls, but keeps quiet.

BILKO: BILKO to engineering:

LA FORGE: Engineering here.

BILKO: Prepare to do complete overhaul of ALL ship's systems ! Power relays, weapon systems, the deflector dish - EVERYTHING! 

LA FORGE : Gladly, Sir. How much time do I have ?

BILKO: Well, usually it takes several months... But I whant it done it 3 hours.

LA FORGE: (enthusiastically) : Sounds great ! We will start right away! La Forge out !

BILKO : (to the bridge crew): What's wrong with you people ? Why can't you all be more like La Forge?

EVERYONE scowls and mutters something under their breaths about LA FORGE.

PICARD, BEVERLY and WESLEY materialize.

PICARD (looks around) : Well, that's a relief! By accident, we've beamed into the secret research complex we were looking for!

BEVERLY (skeptically): How do you know?

PICARD: Because there's only 6 minutes left till the end of the episode! There is not enough time for it to be anything else. (Looks around, sees the list of the names and rooms in the complex. Comes closer, reads the list ): Linux development, Server room... Ah ! Metagenerics Laboratory. Basement, room 015. Let's go.

PICARD, BEVERLY and WESLEY run down the stairs, trying to look tough. They reach the basement, and run until they stop before a massive metallic door with a sign " Metagenerics Laboratory. Top Secret. There is NO CASH or NEGOTIABLES behind this door."

WESLEY: ( Aims his phaser at the door ): Captain, I can blast a hole in this door !

PICARD:  Pushes the door open quetly.

They enter a large, dark room. No-one is in. Picard brushes his hand across the table - taking off a layer of dust .

BEVERLY : Yikes !

WESLEY sneezes.

PICARD : It does not make any sense... It looks like they abandoned the research at least 20 years ago!

WESLEY: I agree ! Look at those computers - they are using TAPE drives.

PICARD: It really makes no sense. Why present us with an unsolvable mystery at the end of the episode ?

They stand silently in the room, deep in thought.

PICARD (suddenly): Wait a moment - I know what it is ! It's a trap !  Let's get out of here !!!

PICARD, BEVERLY and WESLEY run out of the room and head toward the elevator. A group of Binarians chases them, firing randomly.

PICARD stops and throws the grenade. The explosion slows the Binarians down, but part of of the ceiling falls Picard gets buried under the ruins.

BEVERLY and WESLEY jump into the elevator that already has several people in it.

PICARD (trying to get up) : Hold the lift, please !

WESLEY pushes the "Door open" button and holds it.

Everyone in the elevator waits for PICARD politely, as he crawls out of the ruins and runs towards the elevator.
One of the surviving binarians sees what's going on and fires his phaser at WESLEY. WESLELY yelps and lets go of the button. The elevator door closes and it goes up.

PICARD ( sighs.) Oh, well. I guess this is not my lucky day.

Five binarians run toward PICARD, take away his phaser and weapons. Then they blindfold him and lead him somewhere.

BEVERLY AND WESLEY rush out the elevator.

WESLEY: The Captain !

BEVERLY: Wes, let's just get out of here, alright ? 

They run out of the building. Several Binarians notice them and chase them, but WESLEY and BEVERLY make it outside the building, get on the bus and the bus leaves.

BEVERLY: Whoa, that was close!

WESLEY: Mom... What about the captain ?

BEVERLY: ( looks at her watch ):  Well, 90 seconds left till the end of the episode. Nothing we can do right now.

The binarian guards lead Picard into a very dark room.
At a massive table sits Picard's interrogator. He is in shadows, and we can only see his silouette.
The man nod to the guards and they retreat.

THE INTERROGATOR: A, Captain Picard. What a surprise.

PICARD:  What do you want from me ?

THE INTERROGATOR: Captain PICARD, in this room you answer questions. You do not ask them. What do you think this place is, anyways - Microsoft customer support center ?

PICARD:  Who are you ?

THE INTERROGATOR: But you already know me... Come on, think !

PICARD: (frowning, shaking his head) Yes, yes ... your voice sounds familiar...WHO ARE YOU !?!

THE INTERROGAROR (laughs like a madman, then swithes the light on. The light shines on his face. The viewers don't see it, but PICARD does.

PICARD (staring absetly at the INTERROGATOR's face ) : No ! Dear God , NO ! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD !