Here's the second one again...
SFX- The TARDIS is spinning slowly in the center of a galaxy
(as in the 1987-1989 opening credits). Under the
galaxy is the BBC symbol.
Announcer- "Good Evening. Tonight on BBC, `Monty Python's Flying
TARDIS'. But first a few announcements. The BBC
is pleased to announce it will be releasing a newly
licensed series of books based on `Monty Python's
Flying TARDIS'. Some of the titles will include
`The Eight Doctors, 14 Disciples, and 3 Christs'
by Terrance Dicks, and `Devil Gumbies from Wopping
Steps' by Martin Day, Keith Topping, Paul Cornell,
Andy Lane, and Jim Mortimore, just to be safe.
Look for them in your local bookshops. Limited
copies will be available from the BBC for 10p and
a kiss. And now..."
SFX- The TARDIS is flying through the Vortex, and the words `Monty
Python's Flying TARDIS' fly across the screen. As the TARDIS
gets to the center of the screen a large, animated foot squashes
it.
Scene- Interior of Harry's Cafe from `Remembrance of the Daleks'.
Announcer- "Tonight, live from Harry's Cafe, it's the First Annual
`Monty Python's Flying TARDIS' Showbiz Awards!"
(Across the screen is emblazoned the caption `Monty Python's Flying
TARDIS' Showbiz Awards.)
"And now, here's your host, the venerable Sir Richard
Attenborough!"
(canned applause) (Enter Dickie Attenborough)
Dickie "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Chairman, friends of the Anorak
Society. Once again, the year has come Full Circle, and
for me there can be no greater privilege, and honour, than
to that to which it is my lot to have befallen this
evening. There can be no finer honour than to welcome into
our midst tonight a guest who has not only done only more
than not anyone for our Society, but nonetheless has only
done more. She started on Dr. Who in 1966, and has been dead
since 1966, but she has not let that prevent her from coming
out this evening. Ladies and Gentlemen, to read the
nominations for best crowd scene from Dr. Who, the remains of
the late Sara Kingdom!"
(Loud Chorus of Dr. Who theme 1966)
(A man in a brown coat comes in carrying a white five-foot plinth. He
puts it down. Behind him comes another man carrying a bronze funeral
urn. It has Sara's pack strapped around one side of the plinth. The
urn is put on top of the plinth and a microphone placed in front of
it. The urn clears its throat.)
Sara- "The nominations are The Dalek Cheerleaders from `The Power of the
Daleks' (cut to scene of Daleks leaving the room chanting
"Ex-ter-mi-nate!" from the above story), the visitors to the Louvre
from `City of Death' (show scene where the Doctor is examining the
Mona Lisa), and the Deva Lokans from `Kinda' (cut to scene where
Aris, possessed by the Mara, is urging the Kinda to fight the Not-we.)
And the winners are the Deva Lokans from Kinda!"
(canned applause)
Dickie- "And let's take a look at the winning scene!"
-------------------------
Scene- The Planet of Deva Loka. The crowd of Kinda are standing around
watching Aris speak about the Not-We. The camera slowly pulls
back until it reaches the back row. As the camera pulls back, we
continually hear Aris' tirade.
1st Kinda Woman- "Speak up!"
2nd Kinda Woman (hissing at First)- "Quiet!"
1st KW- "Well I can't hear him!"
3rd KW (talking to man next to her)- "Don't pick your nose!"
1st Kinda Male (says nothing)
3rd KW- "What's Aris talking about?"
2nd KInda Male- "Wait a minute! That's Aris talking!"
3rd KW (shocked)- "Kinda men aren't to speak!"
2nd KM- "Well if Aris is speaking, why can't I?"
3rd KW- "It isn't the way!"
2nd KM- "Who says it isn't the way? If I want to talk, I should be
bloody well allowed to talk!"
1st KM (Reacting to 2nd KM)- "Don't swear like that in front of my wife!"
3rd KW (To Husband)- "Quiet!"
2nd KM- "I'm only asking why I'm not allowed to speak, Big Nose!"
1st KM- "Don't call me Big Nose!"
3rd KM (Interrupting)- "Do you mind? I'm trying to hear what's going on!
Why is Aris speaking?"
3rd KW- "It's something about a bra he needs, I think."
2nd KM- "If someone would explain to me why Aris can speak and I can't, then
I'll be quiet."
4th KW- "It's not a bra he needs, it's the Prophecy! He can speak because
of the Prophecy!"
3rd KW (momentarily forgetting 2nd KM)- "Oh, Aris can speak because of the
Prophecy! Isn't that nice? He
deserves it, because he's had a
rough time of it lately."
3rd KM (To 2nd KM)- "There, he can speak because of the Prophecy! Now
will you please be quiet so we can hear the rest of
his speech, and don't call anyone Big Nose!"
2nd KM- "It's just not fair, him being the only one allowed to speak."
(He points at 1st KM)
"And anyway, he has got a big nose."
1st KM- "I'm warning you, you call me Big Nose again and I'll forget I'm a
silent member of a peaceful race of people and thump you!"
Aris (distantly)- "We must go and attack the Not-We!"
2nd KM- "Attack the Not-We? Who does he think we are?"
5th KW- "Who knows?"
1st KM (mishearing)- "Right!" (Punches 5th KW)
3rd KM- "Punch my wife, will you?" (Hits 1st KM)
(The crowd descends into general chaos, with everyone hitting everyone
else.)
-------------------------
Scene- The camera pulls back to reveal that the preceding scene was being
shown on a Television Monitor in Harry's Cafe. Dickie is there in
front of a microphone watching the monitor. He has bunches of
onions around his neck.
Dickie- "Ladies and gentlemen, seldom can it have been a greater pleasure
and privilege than it is for me now to announce that the next
award gave me the great pleasure and privilege of asking a man
without whose ceaseless energy and tireless skill Dr. Who would
be today. I refer of course to my friend and colleague, Mr. John
Nathan Turner!"
(canned applause)
"Sadly, John Nathan Turner cannot be with us tonight, but he
has sent his fridge."
(Loud Chorus of Dr. Who theme 1981)
(A fridge is rolled in. It has a bow tie on.)
JNT- "The nominations for Best Experimental Dr. Who Episode are `The Feast
of Steven' from `Dalek Masterplan'; `Black Orchid'; the `Key to Time'
series; and `Trial of a Time Lord'. And the winner is `Black Orchid'!
(more canned applause)
Dickie- "Isn't that fantastic! Let's take a look at the winning story!"
-------------------------
SFX- The opening credits to the 5th Doctor's era of the program appears
on the Monitor. The camera zooms in until the scene on the monitor
appears on the TV. Captions appear on the screen, as normal.
`DOCTOR WHO'
`BLACK ORCHID'
by
`PIER PAOLO PASOLINI'
Scene- Close up of grass on cricket pitch. In the background we hear the
buzzing of insects. A cricket ball rolls into shot and a hand
reaches down and picks it up. Pull out to reveal he is the
5th Doctor, behind him a couple of fielders. He is shot from low
down.
Close up on the Doctor as he turns to look at his field. Cut to a
Cyberman on the boundary in tattered remanants of cricket gear.
Noise of flies buzzing becomes louder. Sounds of mocking laughter.
Shot of the batsman at his crease, but behind him the wicket keeper
and first slip are Terileptils in brown cowls. They are laughing at
him. Cut back to the Doctor's horrified eyes, he looks again. Cut
to same shot of the batsman only now the wicket keeper and first slip
are cricketers again. Wind. Buzzing. Cut back to the Doctor, who
starts to rub the ball on his trousers. Music comes in. Close up
face sweating. Cut to Tegan licking her lips. Cut back to ball
rubbing. Cut to Doctor's sweating face. Cut to Tegan. Cut back to
the Doctor as he starts his run. Close up of the Doctor running.
He runs over Adric and Nyssa making love in the nude. Mounting music.
Cut back to the Doctor as he releases ball. Cut to the ball
smashing into stumps. The music reaches crescendo. Silence. In
slow motion the Doctor turns, arms outstretched to the umpire. The
umpire turns into the Master who produces his TCE and holds it up
like a dismissal sign.
Cut to the cast members in a TV studio. They are all in their
costumes. They are on a staggered rostra as in `Talk Back'.
Facing them is Pier Paolo Pasolini.
Tegan- "There's Adric and Nyssa making love, but what do I get? Two close-
ups of my face! What was Tegan supposed to be doing anyway?"
Pasolini (Italian accent)- "Who is-a Tegan?"
Nyssa- "And in the film, we get the Doctor..."
Paolini- "Si, Doctor, si, si..."
Nyssa- "... the symbol of man's regeneration through radical cricketing...
fair enough...but we never once got a chance to see him fight
the forces of evil!"
Adric- "I quite liked it."
Tegan-"You would!"
Adric- "What does that mean?"
Tegan- "It means that you're a..."
(camera pulls back before we hear her finish her line).
-------------------------
Scene- Harry's Cafe again. The TV Monitor is still on the last sketch, and
we can see Tegan and Adric arguing violently. Tegan starts throwing
things at him. Dickie is back at the microphone, appaluding.
Dickie- "Pier Paolo Pasolini's classic `Black Orchid', ladies and
gentlemen! Let's give it a hand!"
(On the monitor, we can now see Tegan has her hands around Adric's
throat, and the Doctor and Nyssa are desperately trying to pull
them apart.)
"But soft, let's leave these two companions to strangle each
other, and turn our minds over to the next presentations. Due
to BBC cutbacks, I am forced to announce the next categories
myself, as no one was willing to come for the money being
offered. Our next category is best UNIT story, and the
nominations are `The Daemons', `The Invasion' , `Battlefield',
and `Robot'. And the winner is..., (ripping open envelope),
`Battlefield'!
(canned applause)
"And now, let's take a look at some scenes from that classic
episode..."
-------------------------
Scene- Cut to an area showing the nuclear missile convoy bogged down by
the side of the lake. At the convoy we see several UNIT members
standing around and talking to each other. A BBC interviewer
is standing next to Brigadier Bambera.
Interviewer- "Hello. All the activity you can see in progress here is
part of the intricate preparations for the removal of a
highly dangerous nuclear missle which has gotten stuck
by this lake. I have gotten permission from the Ministry
to hold an exclusive interview with the leader of the
effort, Brigadier Winifred Bambera. Brigadier, how do you
do?"
Bambera (appearing slightly dazed)- "Great, man."
Interviewer- "Brigadier, how do you propose to remove the missile?"
Bambera- "Well this is a completely unfamiliar scene for us man, so we're
just doing what we can."
Interviewer- "One can see that it is a very difficult task to move such a
large missile. Have there been many difficulties in setting
up this venture?"
Bambera- "Well the real hang-up was with all these dudes in armour who
started showing up man, but we'll be taking care of them
eventually. Sergeant Zbrigniev has got together convoy wise
and like the whole gig's been a real gas man."
(Interviewer has begun to look at Bambera funny. Sergeant Zbrigniev then
wanders over).
Interviewer- "I see. Ah, Sergeant Zbrigniev. You're in charge of security
and liaison for this operation."
Zbrigniev- "Right on."
(Interviewer looks at Zbrigniev as well. He begins to understand that
they're all stoned).
Interviewer- "Brigadier, Sergeant. I couldn't help notice that you both
appear to be stoned. Surely that can't be helping to keep
the security, even the integrity, of this mission intact."
Zbrigniev- "Yeah, it's been really heavy man with all these freaks from the
fascist press trying to blow the whole scene."
(Bambera and Zbrigniev begin to look at the interviewer as if they're
trying to focus on him. He gulps nervously.)
Bambera- "Hey you're a member of the fascist press aren't you?"
(Before they can move on him, Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart arrives on the
scene.)
Lethbridge-Stewart- "All right. Clear off you hippies. I'm in charge now."
(Bambera and Zbrigniev begin to wander off, mumbling to themselves)
Interviewer- "Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart. What are you doing here? I
thought you'd retired."
(Before he can answer, Zbrigniev charges back into the shot, grabbing the
microphone.)
Zbrigniev- "UNIT's out of sight man! Come together with UNIT, it's really
something other than else!"
-------------------------
SFX- A psychedelic advert for UNIT interrupts. It begins with a couple
of the humanoid Axons dancing to 60s music, with the camera doing
fast zoom-ins and pull outs. Images of the various monsters that
UNIT has faced dance across the screen. Zygons, Krynoids, Bok and
several other creatures appear, with the UNIT symbol appearing almost
subliminally. It ends with Mike Yates from `Planet of the Spiders',
sitting on a prayer mat with incense burning. He opens his eyes.
Yates- "You dig it, man?"
-------------------------
Scene- Back to `Battlefield'. The scene has changed to the point just
after the Brigadier has faced the Destroyer of Worlds. He is lying
on the ground. The Doctor is kneeling by his body.
Doctor- "You were supposed to die in bed!"
Ace- "What do we do with him, Doctor?"
Doctor- "Take him someplace to be given a decent burial, I suppose."
(He asks Ace to help lift the Brigadier over his shoulder. She does so,
and they begin to cart him off. The camera follows them, and as they're
moving, the Brigadier begins to come around.)
Brigadier- "Doctor, I'm not quite dead."
Doctor- "Yes you are. You'll be stone cold in a moment."
Brigdadier- "But Doctor, I feel happy! I feel happy! I feel..."
(Ace hits him on the head)
Doctor- "Thank you, Ace."
Ace- "No problem. He was a toe-rag, anyway. `Latest one'!"
Doctor- "Now Ace. That's no way to talk about the deceased."
(They arrive at an Undertaker's.)
Doctor- "Ah, here we are."
------------------------
Scene- Interior of an Undertaker's shop. Ace and the Doctor enter
and move over to the counter, where they dump the Brigadier.
The Undertaker is standing behind the counter.
Undertaker- "Morning."
Doctor (raising his hat)- "How do you do? I'm the Doctor, and this is my
friend Ace."
Undertaker- "What can I do for you, Squire?"
Doctor (indicating the Brigadier)- "Well, I wonder if you can help me. You
see, one of my oldest friends has just
died."
(The Brigadier begins to stir, but Ace hits him again.)
Undertaker- "Are you sure he's dead?"
Doctor- "Well, if he's not dead, he's certainly not well."
Undertaker- "Oh, I see. We can do three things with your friend. We can
bury him, burn him or dump him."
Doctor (looking to Ace)- "I don't know about dumping him. What do you
think, Ace?"
Ace- "I'd say burn him, but he's your friend."
Doctor- "Which do you recommend?"
Undertaker- "Well, they're both nasty. If we burn him he gets stuffed in
the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a
shock if he's not quite dead, but quick. Or if we bury him
he gets eaten up by lots of weevils, and nasty maggots, which
as I said before is a bit of a shock if he's not quite dead."
Doctor- "I think he's had enough of nasty maggots, thank you very much."
Undertaker- "So you think burning him would be best, do you, Sir?"
Doctor- "Yes."
Undertaker (examining the Brigadier's body)- "Fred!"
Fred (Voice off)- "Yeah?"
Undertaker- "I think we've got an eater!"
Fred- "Right, I'll get the oven on."
Doctor- "Er, excuse me, are you suggesting eating my friend?"
Undertaker- "Yeah, not raw. Cooked. Roasted with a few french fries,
broccoli, horseradish sauce..."
Doctor- "Well, the Venusians do it, or rather used to do it."
Undertaker (looking confused)- "Sir?"
(Doctor waves off his confused look).
Doctor- "Never mind. I'm just not sure."
Undertaker (looking crestfallen)- "About burning him?"
Doctor- "No, about this sketch! Something's not right here. I don't
know...!"
(He jams his hat back on his head.)
"Come on, Ace. We've got some investigating to do!"
(The Doctor and Ace leave, leaving the Brigadier on the counter. The
camera pulls back to the TV screen in Harry's Cafe. As the shot
returns to Dickie, we see the Undertaker pull the Brigadier off the
counter.)
-------------------------
Dickie- "Wasn't `Battlefield' great, ladies and gentlemen?"
(canned applause)
"Now, my friends, the time has come for the final award of the
evening. This is the award to end all awards, so to speak, but
not the award to end all awards shows, ha, ha, ha!"
(Silence. Dickie clears his throat and continues.)
"The final award is for Best Companion Leaving, and the nominations
are: Ian and Barbara from `The Chase'; Victoria from `Fury from
the Deep'; Tegan from `Resurrection of the Daleks'; and Leela from
`The Invasion of Time'. And the winner is... Leela from `Invasion
of Time'!"
(Still more canned applause)
"And. for one more time, may I ask the crew to play the winning
scene."
(Zoom in to the screen)
-------------------------
Scene- A corridor in the vast galleries of the Time Lord city on Gallifrey.
Leela is standing apart from the Doctor. She is looking a bit sad.
Leela- "I am sorry, Doctor, but I am staying here to marry Andred."
(The camera shifts to reveal Andred, who is a very shifty, very dirty
looking man in a guard's uniform. He is making several rude and
unhealthy noises.)
Doctor (to Leela)- "You're staying to marry Andred?"
Leela (looking at Andred)- "I love him, Doctor."
Andred- "That's right, Doctor. She loves me."
(He hacks up a glob of phlegm.)
"I'm sorry, Lord President. I've gobbed on the linoleum."
Doctor- "Well, I hope you'll be able to take great care of her."
Andred- "Oh, don't worry sport. I'm still head of security here, and I've
also been given the job of cleaning out the lavatories."
(He begins to sound like he's hacking up a lung. Doctor begins to hold
his hand out to Andred, but then changes his mind.)
Doctor- "Well, goodbye, Leela. Come along, K-9."
K-9- "Negative, Master. I am staying with Mistress Leela."
Doctor (looking disappointed)- "Goodbye, then. Take care."
(He steps into the TARDIS and it disappears. Leela walks over to K-9.
Andred sounds really bad, and his hacking continues through the next
few minutes.)
Leela- "Will he be alright, K-9?"
K-9- "Unknown, Mistress. Information unavailable."
(The camera then begins to pull out, and we return to the screen in
Harry's Cafe.)
Dickie- "`The Invasion of Time', ladies and gentlemen!"
(canned applause)
"Sadly, Leela could not be with us tonight to receive her award,
but we have a surprise for her. We have a camera on Gallifrey,
and we are going to give her the good news."
(The monitor shows a darkened room. A light is suddenly switched on.
Rodan sits up.)
"Are you there on Gallifrey, Leela?"
(We see that Rodan is sitting up in bed next to Leela.)
Rodan (horrified)- "Gods of Gallifrey!" (She covers Leela with the sheet.)
Dickie- "Well, that is not what we expected. But the moment we have been
expecting is now here. Thus our first annual Showbiz Awards are
over. It is now up to me to say goodbye to you all, and to
remind you that nominations for next year's Showbiz Awards will
be accepted by the producers of `Monty Python's Flying TARDIS'.
Until next time, then, this is Dickie Attenborough saying
Goodbye!"
(Dickie bows for a bit, and then walks off set. All the while, the
Dr. Who theme plays as the credits role.)
`Monty Python's Flying TARDIS'
was created by
Greg McCambley
with the aid of all
those responsible for
creating two of the
best TV series in
the world.
If you're looking for
any of the jokes that
showed up in these
credits in the last
program, I'm afraid
there aren't any, as
the trained monkey I
used last time is
sick. :-)
Any suggestions or comments you may have on this spoof, please feel free to
e-mail me. Until next time, keep watching your screens! :-)