It all happened early in the evening, while I was trying on the new dress I'd bought that day. As I posed in front of my bedroom mirror, I wondered about christening it properly with a night on the town. Unfortunately, all the people I knew were busy doing other things and going out alone wouldn't be much fun...
As I thought this, there was a blinding flash directly behind me. I flung up my hands to shield my eyes and felt the floor disappear under my feet. I screamed as I started to fall... then had the breath knocked out of me as I hit some hard surface, and sprawled across it, winded.
I lay there for some time, groaning and waiting for my head to stop spinning. Eventually, I felt well enough to risk opening my eyes and sitting up, only to get the biggest shock of my life. Instead of my bedroom floor, I was sitting on a large circular platform, with a similar one above my head. I rose unsteadily to my feet and stepped off onto the floor below. I was in a room that looked like it had started out as a cliched, geometrical, 'futuristic' set, only for someone to change their mind halfway through and take a flamethrower to it. The metallic walls and doorways had a peculiar, half-melted look to them, yet it was obvious they had been deliberately built that way. The room was also cluttered with all kinds of weird looking junk - bits of machinery, tubing and other technical looking stuff, just thrown in anyhow.
The only thing that looked remotely in working order was a large control panel on a raised dais, facing the platform I'd just left. I walked over and examined it; it was covered in buttons and some strange alphabet that I'd never seen before. There were huge cables running from the panel, back towards the platform, which I could now see was surrounded by a huge tangle of machinery, looking like a cross between a massive church organ and a children's climbing frame.
I took a deep breath and leaned against the platform giddily. "What the heck have I got myself into?" I wondered. "And more importantly... how do I get out of it again?"
"DAMMIT! I AM NOT KAI!!!"
I leapt with fright and then whirled round in the direction where the shout came from. There was no-one behind me; obviously it had come from outside. Heart pounding, I stepped towards the doorway to investigate, then remembered that I had no idea what might waiting for me out there. A large metal pipe sticking out of a nearby junk pile caught my eye; it was about the size of a baseball bat and felt reassuringly heavy without being difficult to lift. Thus armed, I crept towards the doorway, feeling a little less nervous (but not by much).
I peered round cautiously into a long winding corridor, that was somewhat dirty and had obviously seen better days. No-one was about. I tip-toed out cautiously and spotted another doorway a few yards ahead. I was willing to bet that the shout originated from there and so I went to investigate, hoping to find an answer to this crazy situation.
I peered in to another room that was much the same as the one I'd left, only it had a lot less clutter and a lot more working apparatus; in fact, it looked more like a mad scientist's laboratory. And there was the mad scientist himself, complete with white lab coat, metal-rimmed spectacles, and green skin. Yes, green skin. The creature was a head shorter than me, with a wiry body and a large triangular head that seemed too large for his bent, skinny little neck. As I gaped at him in disbelief, he was busying himself with something at one of his workbenches, muttering away happily.
I sagged against the wall, gripping the pipe tightly. OK, that definitely confirms it - I've been kidnapped by aliens. Not that I hadn't guessed that anyway, but it's nice to be sure...
My eyes wandered across the room and then I gasped. There was a huge metal table off to one side, and strapped down onto it was a man, struggling furiously. He looked human and just had to be from Earth, assuming that denim shirts and jeans hadn't become a universal fashion. The man managed to raise his head and I got my second shock of the day - it was Michael McManus!
"Are you listening to me?" he yelled angrily at the alien (who obviously wasn't). "I've told you before, I'm an actor - Kai's just a part I play! I'm not even wearing the costume!"
The little scientist finished whatever he'd been fiddling with and glanced up absent-mindedly. "Hm? Oh really, sir, you can stop your little charade now. You made a good effort, disguising yourself and everything, but it takes more than that to fool a genius of my calibre. I know who you really are and you are going to assist me on my second greatest discovery that will give the fame I deserve!
"For years, I've been mocked by my so-called colleagues, jealous of my superior mind, but they'll be laughing on the other side of their faces when I present them with the one thing that has eluded them all - the secret of eternal life! All I need to do is drain you of your proto-blood, analyse it, and my deserved place in history will finally be assured!"
As he spoke, he was pressing buttons on some remote control in his hand, causing a large black device to descend from the ceiling above Michael's body. It was bristling with huge syringe-type things, and Michael and I both stared at it in horror; it was obviously bad news. Not surprisingly, Michael began struggling more than ever, but the leather straps binding his wrists and ankles weren't going to budge any time soon.
"Please, stop thrashing about like that! This is an extremely delicate procedure, and besides, you might damage my instruments!" The alien halted the machine's descent and hurried to Michael's side, tutting like an annoyed teacher. "Really, I can't understand your objections. I mean, your existence, such as it is, could hardly be called a life - in fact I heard you say so yourself, before I brought you here. Surely, it would be better to pass on as you should have done, especially knowing that your demise will serve such a useful purpose?"
Michael took a deep breath and glared at him. "For the last time, I am not 'alive-dead' and I don't intend to become 'dead-dead', particularly not for a moron like you! If you were half as intelligent as you make out, you'd have seen straight away that - unh!"
The little alien, obviously tired of the whole business, had struck Michael on the temple with a bony fist, which happened to be the one holding the remote control. Michael slumped unconscious on the slab, while the scientist began adjusting some of the machinery above him, muttering irritably: "Really, all this fuss! I wouldn't mind, but he's not supposed to have any emotions or sense of self preservation anyway!" Suddenly he hesitated, frowning. "I wonder... could he have been telling the truth? No, of course not! Enough of this nonsense. I can't waste any more time... my glorious future awaits!"
"Not in THIS lifetime, pal!"
I'd snuck up behind him and, as he started to turn, smacked the pipe down on his head with all my might. The alien jerked and stiffened, a daffy, cross-eyed expression spread over his face, then with a little tweeting sound, he toppled over sideways and crashed to the floor. I flung down the pipe and dashed over to Michael's side, smoothing his hair back from his face. There was a large bump forming, but his breathing and heartbeat sounded pretty healthy. Hopefully, he was going to be all right, apart from one hell of a headache. I set to work unfastening the straps holding him down and by the time I'd finished, he was already starting to stir.
Gently, I slipped an arm under his head and helped him to sit up. He leaned against me, groaning and clutching my shoulders, and I felt my legs start to give way as I found myself snuggled against the loveliest man I've ever seen on TV, or anywhere else, come to that. Sternly, I told myself to focus on the situation at hand, though that was easier said than done.
Michael finally opened his eyes, looked into my face, then sighed with relief and hugged me. "Oh thank God! You would not believe the nightmare I've just had!"
Oh dear. I detached myself from him gently, yet regretfully, and gestured round me. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but..." He stared round at the alien laboratory, then at the little green man flat out on the floor, and slumped against me with a groan. "Oh, s**t!"
"Yeah, that's pretty much what I thought," I said, patting his shoulder sympathetically. He stared at me, wondering now who I was, and I quickly introduced myself and explained what had happened. "I've no idea why I ended up here, but what did he want with you? And why did he think you really were Kai?"
Michael glowered at the unconscious scientist and rubbed his head. "This joker claims to be the greatest mind in his universe, though I seriously doubt it from what I've experienced. He's finally invented something that works - a machine that can create portals to other dimensions, allowing you to see in - and these 'windows' can also be turned into 'doors'. Anyway, this guy created a window looking into our dimension and the first thing he saw was me on the set of 'Lexx' playing Kai. So of course, he thinks that it's all real, and decides that my 'proto-blood' might be able to keep living people alive as well as dead people. Apparently, he didn't think his dimension-hopping machine would be impressive enough on its own, and wanted to invent something really spectacular to get back at his fellow scientists. Anyway, I'd just finished filming and was headed home when the idiot grabbed me and I ended up here." He stared at the machine above him, and shuddered. "I've dealt with obsessive fans before, but this is really too much! God knows what would have happened if you hadn't been here."
"I wouldn't start thanking me just yet. We've still got to find our way home first." I pointed towards the doorway. "The dimension machine is out there in the next room. Think you can walk OK?"
Michael nodded and slid off the table, leaning against me for support. I linked an arm into his and we carefully made our way out, stepping over the recumbent alien as we went. I wondered briefly if we ought to do something about him first, but he was still unconscious. Besides, I reasoned, the little geek wouldn't stand much of a chance against the two of us.
Inside the transporter room, Michael and I stared at each other despairingly, then back at the control panel. We'd spent the last ten minutes examining it, trying to make sense of all the buttons but they were all identical, and the alien instructions were no help. Michael tentatively reached for a switch, then dropped his hand with a sigh. "I don't know where to start, and if we get it wrong..." We both pondered the possibilities with a shudder, but then I shook my head. "We have to at least try. We can try chucking some of this junk through first and see what happens before we go through."
"You will do no such thing!"
We spun round to find the alien behind us, pointing some sort of weapon in our direction, and froze. "You people have no respect for technology... chuck some of this 'junk' through indeed!" Suddenly he glared at me, rubbing his head with his free hand. "I didn't bring you here. Where are you from and how did you get in past my security?"
"Don't give me that. Your stupid machine brought me here. I'm from the same place as Michael." I jerked my thumb back at the device and he swung the gun towards me nervously. "That's impossible. I only brought this male through... unless..." The alien frowned, his pointed ears twitching. "Now, did I switch it off after stunning him...? hmmm, don't think I did... which means the device must have switched to an automatic mode... and chosen a random location within the programmed dimension. How very interesting..."
He was lost in his own little world again, muttering away. Michael looked at me and in one movement, we both pounced. There was a short struggle, the gun went off twice, punching some fair-sized holes in the ceiling and then it was all over. Michael had an arm round the alien's skinny neck, while twisting his arm behind his back and I had the gun, pointed directly at his face. The greatest mind in the universe was now feeling a lot less superior, judging by his fawning apologies and pleas for his life.
Michael jerked him to his feet and I pointed to the control panel. "Send us home. Now." He hastened to obey, though Michael wouldn't let him use both hands. Despite his helplessness, neither of us trusted him. We watched closely as he keyed in some sort of code, then blinked as a bright flash burst from the platform. Blinking, we could now see a huge circle of white light with a kind of greyish nothingness inside. The alien flapped his hand towards it frantically. "There you are, your gateway home. Now go away and leave me in peace!" As we hesitated, he exclaimed "What are you waiting for? Go on, its quite safe."
Hmmm. I exchanged glances with Michael and then eyed the alien suspiciously. "Are you sure?" He nodded and smiled, a little too much and his eyes flickered nervously towards the panel. "Well then," I said cheerily, "in that case, you won't mind coming along with us then will you?" He let out a terrified squawk and I smiled innocently. "What's wrong? You DID say it was safe, right?"
"Y-yes, but this, this is kidnapping!" he wailed. "That didn't seem to bother you when you got me!" Michael growled in his ear. "Anyway, we're not going to keep you. Once we're home safe, you can go straight back to your own world. I'd say that's more than fair, wouldn't you?" He twisted the scientist's arm a little harder to emphasise the point.
"Ow! Uh, yes, yes, that's perfectly agreeable, very magnanimous of you both." He gave me an obsequious smile and said "Er, since you're so concerned, I think it might be a good idea if I double-check the co-ordinates before we go through... just for your peace of mind, you understand." "Yeah, right. Just get on with it."
He began tapping the buttons again, and the gateway suddenly shrunk, then expanded back into its original shape. This time, we can see something inside, a room of some sorts. Michael squinted through and then frowned. "I dunno... does it look like Earth to you?"
I took a closer look and then beamed at him. "Definitely. That's my bedroom! C'mon." I led the way happily as Michael dragged the alien towards the gateway, then hesitated. "Oh darn... did I tidy up in there before I left?"
Too late to worry about that now. We had stepped through and suddenly found ourselves shooting through a strange kind of nothingness, that was impossible to describe. Up ahead, my bedroom came rushing towards us, then with a kind of lurch, we broke through and landed on the floor. I looked round quickly, peered out of the window and nodded. Yes, we were definitely back on Earth, in my room... and I had tidied my laundry away, thank God.
"It's OK, we can let him go now." Michael nodded and proceeded to hurl the alien by the scruff of the neck through the gateway, hovering above my bed. We watched as he went spinning through, limbs flailing ungainly, then giggled as he made an undignified landing on the platform of his machine.
He struggled up, rubbing his backside and glared out of his dimension back at us, shaking his fist. "You haven't heard the last of me. I still have my machine, and I know the co-ordinates of your dimension. I will have my revenge on the pair of you and it will come when you least expect it!"
As he made his threat, I realised I still had his gun and raised it. He shrieked and dropped to the floor, but it wasn't him I was after. I aimed at the control panel through the gateway and fired, scoring a direct hit. There was a small explosion, followed by several others in quick succession, and I heard the alien's despairing wail as his machine began to self destruct.
Then my view into his dimension faded as the gateway began to warp out of shape, and a strong wind suddenly started up. It ripped the gun out of my hand, and then started pulling at me, while the curtains billowed inwards, and some of my posters were yanked off the wall. But before I was sucked into the vortex, Michael grabbed me and pulled me down to the floor, holding me tight. We watched helplessly as the ring of light continued to twist and writhe, but just as the furniture started to vibrate ominously, it somehow turned inwards on itself and vanished with a loud pop! The wind was instantly cut off, and Michael and I sat up blinking, as various bits of paper and stuff floated down around us. Then we both collapsed against each other in sheer relief, as we realised just how narrow an escape we'd had.
"You do realise that there's no way we can tell anyone about this. They'd throw us in the loony bin before we'd even finished," I said. "I don't think I'd want to tell anyone about it," Michael replied, "particularly not my agent. My insurance doesn't cover alien abduction!"
We burst out laughing, and I hugged Michael round the neck. Then I realised what I was doing and drew back, embarrassed, but he just smiled and rose to his feet, helping me up as he did so. Then he looked me up and down, grinning mischievously.
"I didn't have a chance to tell you before, but you look very lovely. Were you planning to go out before all this started?" I blushed, then gave him an impish grin of my own. "I was thinking about it, but I seem to be lacking an escort. I don't suppose you'd...?"
Michael bowed gallantly and offered me his arm. "Lead the way. I'm all yours."
"Promise?"
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