I'm sitting here as the credits run, thinking about this phrase. I think about how true this really could be. No matter the mistakes or the stupid decisions. The things said in the heat of the moment that you didn't mean even though you did. How people all the way across the world still manage to find each other, despite how impossible it should of been that they would of ever of met.
I also find myself shocked that such an amazing sentiment came from my brother of all people. He's a good guy but, such a concept generally is below his radar. I guess this just proves that even if you've known them your whole life, people can still surprise you.
We're riding in the car and I'm being rude. Brian is talking about this and that and I'm only peripherally paying attention to him. I'm too buried by these thoughts and the rush to get home to get them sorted out and into some kind of tangible form. I can't help the feeling that I'm on to something here. My masterpiece of the moment? Maybe just a deep inner revelation? There's something here buried somewhere in my brain. I just need to start writing and see where it leads me. My brother notices that we're in two different galaxies and calls me on it. I explain to him where my mind is and I'm surprised again.
He understands. Postpones his DVD run and gets me home. He really is a good guy. One of the handful that has always been there.
Back home. The key clicks in the lock and I walk into the dark room. It's always weird when I come 'home'. Is that what this place is? It doesn't really feel like it half of the time. It feels like a....like a lay over. A place. A stop between here and there. There's always mixed feelings here. I'm glad to have the freedom of my own space but, at the same time, it's just so damn empty. It seems endless in the dark. Just a vast empty space. The light brings some feeling to it but, the emptiness persists.
I know that I'm alone.
Is that what's bothering me?
I 'dated' a girl for just over three years. That should be an accomplishment but, to be honest there's little feeling behind it. Things were really great at first but, had been steadily worsening as the time marched us by. I really don't know what happened or what changed.
Maybe I just saw something that was never there?
Maybe it was that nothing happened or changed. Just the same routines time and again. Only slight little changes to the time or the place but, it's like following a script. We receipt our lines and walk off stage, only to return and do it again the next day.
That's not to say there weren't deviations from the script or real troubles in the relationship though.
I should explain the purpose of the quotation marks around the word dated. It was a long distance relationship. I spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on phone bills and plane tickets. Doing what I could to hold up my end of the relationship. It didn't always seem appreciated and I would be lying if I said I was a 'well-adjusted person'. I had my problems and so did she. I guess that's why I thought it was meant to be when we 'met'.
That just shows that if you're meant to be together, you will be.
I think when she asked me out that was the first time that, that particular phrase entered into my life. It had to be fate. I'm here in Wisconsin and she's in Virginia. How on Earth would we find each other otherwise?
"This must be what was meant to happen!" I had figured.
If nothing else. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
To be painfully honest, (The pain mostly to myself with the admissions) I was a bit of a basket case back then. Never been dated and the few that I had been interested and put work into getting to know,never saw me in that kind of light. After some time, it left me feeling that there was something about me that made me unlovable. I was certain that I would die old and alone. No one ever to have cared about me. I know now that there are people that do care about me. They care very much but, at the time, the word love was my hang up.
Was it so much to ask?
All I wanted was to be loved.
Isn't that what we all really want?
To find that person that makes you whole.
That fills the emptiness in that shell you refer to as your soul.
Maybe that was my problem. I was so aware that there was something missing from me that it became a blinding quest. The first sign that I found it, regardless of later indications that I needed to keep looking, and I grabbed on. I held on with everything I had and refused to let go. There wasn't a force on the planet that could of made me let go. I had figths with my parents and sibling. My friends were smart enough to let me make my mistakes but, it was long before I saw what everyone else did. Still, I held on and did whatever I had to keep her.
After all, that was my only shot at the happiness that I longed for.
Wasn't it?
I won't get into all the sordid details of the relationship. Let's just leave it at, that eventually things got to the point that even my rose colored glasses were shattered and I finally managed to let go. I finally saw things as they truly were. I was a hobby. A conquest. Something that filled time.
And she had become bored with me.
A long time ago.
Now, like I said, I would be a liar if I laid all the blame at her feet. I had some problems then but, the majority were further spurred on by the treatment that I received.
That would bring us back to the apartment.
I ended things not too long ago. Only a couple of days. Mailed her a letter and her things. To be honest, it felt a bit cowardly but, she wouldn't talk to me. Limited my options some.
The old routines still call out to me. They tell me that I should be dialing on the phone so that I can talk her. It's what I've done for three years.
I don't though. I'm done with her and moving on.
I can't sleep.
The television, my usual savior of distraction, lets me down. There is nothing there to occupy my mind. Nothing to hide the loneliness from me until I can slip off into blissful slumber. In my sleep there is nothing. Just the brief dark and then the morning.
A reprieve from my mind.
I turn to another source of distraction. The computer. Only spam email to greet me. On a whim I decided to download an instant messenger. I know several people on my mailing list have handles on messengers. Maybe I'll stumble into someonw I know. Nothing else it'll kill some time. Something to do other then stew.
It's five in the morning and I'm finally feeling tired. I've played on the chat some and looked for people to talk to. I found a couple of chat rooms that my messenger handle gets me into that could be interesting. It's off to bed.
Only to wake up and find myself in the same place with the same problem the next night. I try the same solution but, the god of programming seems to have forsaken me. My television betrays me again.
The computer proves a bit more rewarding. Last night there was a name there that drew my attention. I honestly couldn't tell you why. I just found myself staring at it. That name is back tonight and we're in the same discussion. On a whim I look up their contact information.
I'm rewarded by a poem. It's sad and painful but, beautiful. I must of read it three time before I messaged to tell them that I liked it. The reply back will forever bring a smile to my face.
"Do you have long hair?"
I was taken aback. Floored actually. The question was so far out of left field and so different from the usual 'Thank you.' that I had been expecting. My mouth opened and closed a few times before I typed my reply.
That just shows that if you're meant to be together, you will be.
We talked until it was time for me to leave for work. I was pushing it that night but, I found that I just couldn't tear myself away. I left for work with a huge smile. This woman that I had been conversing with was chiefly on my mind through the third shift night. I had given her my email and hoped that there would be a message. Much to my surprise she was still on the messenger! She had waited for me to come home the entire night! I couldn't believe it and the smile couldn't of been sandblasted from my face.
This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
And it was.
Things escalated vey quickly for us and I was again spending large amounts of money on phone cards so I could talk to her but, something was different.
It didn't feel like and obligation or a chore. I was generally excited at every opportunity to hear her voice. Another huge difference was that she was spending just as much, if not more, to call me too! It was like we were each other's new favorite drug.
Still, I had been in the hot and heavy, new stage of a relationship before. Not that, that thought occurred to me at the time. Still, there was something there. The emptiness didn't bother me and I was really happy. Still, I had been there for a bit before and it didn't last. However, like I said, none of that had even occurred to me. All I could think about was her.
Then it happened.
We had talked about wishing we could meet several times but, I never held out hope for it being too soon. We both had jobs and she had a daughter. What were the chances that we would ever get it all together?
She called me one day. Woke me up and I don't think that she even said, 'Hello'. All I remember was here asking...
"How would you like it if I was there tomorrow?"
I remember myself feeling like I was back at the computer screen being asked if I had long hair. Total shock. Of course I eventually said, 'Yes!!'. A quick call to a friend to ride down to Milwaukee with me and things were set. I swear it was the longest night at work. Well, one of the longest anyway. Probably not helped by the little countdown that I kept in my head all night.
The next day, Snoop and I were loaded up and off to the airport. As often happens with me when I don't know where I'm driving, we were briefly lost but, made it in plenty of time.
Only to get lost again!
This time it was trying to find the gate that her plane would be arriving in. Turns out that we walked by it a million times. It was very small and kind of out of the way.
Nothing to do now but, wait.
And wait.
And wait.
Time's funny that way. Things never seem to come fast enough when you're anxious for them. A minute can last for hours and every second, both real and extended are agony. Finally, I was rewarded by the landing aircraft. Time really had become a burden here. I watched the crew move in slow motion as they made it possible for the passengers to disembark and enter the airport. I was literally crouched on the floor, looking under the wing of the plane, watching for her to arrive.
After much waiting, I was finally rewarded. I saw a bit of red hair and the shirt she said she was going to wear and shouted,
"It's her!"
And I was off. I'm sure that it was like a cartoon for Snoop, before he could register that I had said something, I was gone, leaving behind a Chris shaped cloud of dust in my wake.
That just shows that if you're meant to be together, you will be.
This is the moment that is the most magic and probably the most important looking back on everything that happened to us. The big moments and the little ones. The amazing times and the horrible ones. All this and everything in between. They all paled in comparison to when we had our first contact. I gave her a hug and took her hand, leading her to my tag team partner. We were connected, maybe before then even but, that moment cemented it. I literally felt something change inside of me the moment that we touched. The loneliness, the emptiness was gone. I never noticed it until she was gone again but, it had happened.
I suddenly felt whole.
We arrived back at my empty 'home'. I had to work that night so, we tried to sleep. We went to bed and couldn't get enough of each other but, more then the physical, she belonged there. With me. Next to me. She met my friends and was quickly integrated into the group. I've been told several times that she is the only one that has ever become part of my circle of friends that has felt like she had always belonged there. Other's significant others came in and left. Never really fitting. More like luggage, just dragged along. She became a part. They were her friends too.
I guess all of this brings me back to my original thoughts as I watched the credits roll by. Two people that tried to literally erase each other from their minds, were led to find one another yet again. What are the chances? My brother, surprising as it is, hit the nail right on the head. There is someone for every person on this planet. Somewhere out there is the one person that feels as empty as you, searching just as desperately to find the things that make them whole. Maybe filling the void with alcohol or drugs. Meaningless sex or acquisitions. In the end we all just want to feel complete and loved and we will search that out. Some of us find it and let it go. Some of us latch on to the first thing that we find, despite how much more miserable it makes us.
I don't know if I really had a point with all of this. I guess in the end it made me truly happy that I have been lucky enough to end my search. I found the piece of me that had been missing since my creation. I've found the other half of my soul.
In the end, I guess I hope that anyone that's taken the time to read this will try to keep this in the back of their mind...
That just shows that if you're meant to be together, you will be.
Someday it will happen. One day you'll stop searching and they will find you and you'll wonder how you ever lived your life without them. Don't give into the depressions. I know it's not easy. I've been there and walked that road and I let those feelings rule me for far too long. They're out there somewhere and if it's meant to be, it'll happen. You won't have to work to find them. Now, holding onto each other is a different story but, when you find each other it will be out of the clear blue nothing and it will turn your life upside down.
But, that's just my two cents, and you know what that's worth.
Questions or comments?