Get A Hobby

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he

was going to be stationed a long way from home on a

remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after

he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote

her a letter.

" My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very

long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really

not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're

constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls.

Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not

tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying,

"why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed

back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get

you into bed so that we make passionate love!"

"First let's see you play that harmonica!"

==========================================

THE LEMON PICKER

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed

way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience

in picking lemons?"

"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been

divorced three times."

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A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a

costume party, and I want to go as Adam."

The girl brings out a fig leaf.

But he says, "Not big enough!"

So she brings out a bigger one.

"Still not big enough!"

So he brings out a HUGE fig leaf.

"Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.

So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your

shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

~~~~~~~~~

I always take life with a grain of salt,

..plus a slice of lemon

..and a shot of tequila.

~~~~~~~~~

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

~~~~~~~~~

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed

on booze

bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding a

pint or

two.

1.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath

that

could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

2.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an

asshole.

3.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same

boring story

over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like

thish.

5.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what

you

REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas

party.

6.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that

ex-lovers are

really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the

hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the

morning

and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't

remember)

9.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable

rug

burn on the forehead.

10.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are

tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named

Psycho.

~~~~~~~~~

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20

year old

girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The

nurse came

out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do

it at

your age?" He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running."

The

following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really

are

amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the

old motor

running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You

must be quite a man." He responded "You've got to keep that old

motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the

oil in that old motor, this one's black."

~~~~~~~~~

St Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven,

pacing up and down.

"Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.

"No, it's alright. Won't be long." And he distractedly looks at his

watch,

shrugs and paces on.

St Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again.

The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will

someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"

~~~~~~~~~

Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she

would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the

operator.

Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator ask, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause

and

finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you

pick

her up der?"

~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going

to

learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a

multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"

Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable

word?"

Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking

about a wank."

~~~~~~~~~

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly

announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very

unusual

to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he

said

to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'

So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led

him

into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that

the

car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you

selling

me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his

secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture,

just

sell my Porsche and send me the money.' "

~~~~~~~~~

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede

jacket.'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she

sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there

were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

--Jake Johansen

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

"You

don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her

you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He

went

home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled,

"From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now,

and

when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes.

Tonight I

am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you

belong.

Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?

"I certainly do," screamed the wife, "the undertaker."

~~~~~~~~~

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be

able

to support you.

__________________________________________________

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95%

quieter?

Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

__________________________________________________

Why are hangovers better than women?

Hangovers will go away.

__________________________________________________

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the sink

__________________________________________________

How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

__________________________________________________

I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts:

"I wanna know your name..."

__________________________________________________

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to

want to

shoot it.

________________________________________

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

___________________________________________________

What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?

1.No mind.

2.No business.

_____________________________________________________

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I

said,

"Dust!"

________________________________________________________

Why do women like intelligent men?

Opposites attract.

__________________________________________________________

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive

by 90

percent.... Wedding cake!!!

---------------------------

If two rednecks get divorced, are they still cousins?

~~~~~~~~~

A lawyer fell overboard from a cruise ship in the Caribbean, he was

last

seen circling a school of sharks.

~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother

said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but

you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone

huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't

breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel

like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"

~~~~~~~~~

Stolen from Bawdy.Net: I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr.

today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said

it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

~~~~~~~~~