Signs You Are Drunk:

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

You fall off the floor...

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom,

you fell asleep clothed. Hmmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed you home again.

You're as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.