Today is the end of my 11 day vacation. There is nothing to crow about this vacation. I stayed home, did not drive very far, walked a lot, read a lot, observed people, went to all second-hand book stores, ran, and the most important of all is, I learned a new sport - kayaking. The same park where I run also rents kayaks. So there, I found myself invading the lakes, careful not to intimidate the alligators. Oh, I also discovered a little forest in this Park where you can walk in the woods while listening to a novel via Ipod. In the same Park, they offer a camp ground where you can safely camp overnight for less than 20 bucks. It is one thing I would do someday. I love to do camping and kayaking, alone. It excites me just thinking of all the possible cheap, cheap, recreations I could enjoy when I am given more free days. I will definitely work on more days off from now on.
It was just beautiful. I discovered something about myself and my kind of recreation. When I was in high school, and this I recall vividly, I used to spend my free time in the library. I remember the days when I stayed surrounded by books for hours, with nobody around me except the librarian. She sometimes would remind me to go to lunch, or the library will be closing soon. I was just so carried away by what I was discovering through books. It was not only reading that interested me, it was also the browsing of pictures on the pages of Encyclopedias. That happiness brought about by books still kicks in nowadays even at my age. My job is completely apart from books so when I find the free time and enough energy, I drive to libraries and book stores like a maniac. And I buy as many books as I could, left and right, in second hand bookstores or, better, Goodwill or Salvation Army outlets. In these outlets, I can get a pocket book for 25 cents, a hard bound for 44 cents. They are much much cheaper than magazines, really. Today for instance, I had four books under 2 dollars and I paid 3 dollars for a full cassette version of Prey by Crichton. Isn't life so wonderful?
It is good for you to go to Vegas or the Keys or... anywhere, my co-workers advised me. Oh I sure did plan on travels until doubts cast a shadow on them. It's great to drive and fly to places when you are with your family or your friends or your lover. It will be wonderful if I were also back home where every member of my family would tag along if I'd invite them to Boracay or some sea side resort in Subic. But this is the USA where I am alone most of the time because, dammit, I worked nearly everyday for the last six years. I virtually lost all the people I can count on to accompany me in travels. Mario is busy with his partner's business especially when he is off duty from Nursing. Manuel just lost his cruise ship job and was kicked out of Florida. Matt always finds excuses now. My sister has her plans with her husband. I may sound pathetic to most people who know me, one even had the audacity to recommend that I pay somebody to accompany me in my travels and I was just so ready to kick his butt, because, you see, there are people like me who want to spend their times alone. What makes people assume everybody needs to be with someone all the time? The Americans I work with have lived lives that included travels outside for vacations, whose lives are incomplete if they don't take week off for birthday celebrations. It is impossible to compare my lifestyle with them. Like most poor Filipinos, growing up meant, to me, no birthday celebrations. Vacations meant staying home and doing chores. Now that I work and live in America, my vacations are not really vacations. I call them opportunity vacations -- days off I snatch when opportunity comes. These recent eleven days-off were my gift for myself for working everyday for the last couple of months and if there was one thing I made sure of, it was to spend them the way I wanted to spend them. And if you were to ask me about what I enjoy the most, it is spending time alone. So there you know now --- and I am not lying about this, I feel kind'a happy being left alone. You see, it's different when I am alone.
Now, don't give me the crap about being lonely and sad and being so devoid of social life and friends, I too at one point wondered myself if something was wrong. But I do know what I want. When I was in college I was forced to hang around with so many friends that I sought to be left alone. Then I started working and earning money in the Philippines and with that came along the parties, the unplanned get-together times with co-workers and in the US, guests bombarded every week-end. One day, I just told everyone to leave me alone. I really didn't tell them, I just escaped. Now that I live closer with my sister, I feel so much better. On days off, there is only one thing I ask myself: What do I want to do right this minute? Many potential activities do come about: Sleeping late, running, kayaking, going to bookstores and tech stores, reading a book, finishing a novel, spreading myself on the beach, then on to the gym -- I am telling you it is hard to squeeze all these in one day off. Chances are, I probably would do two of these activities (especially if you include the number of DVDs I want to watch) only. The other question I ask is this: Is it healthy being this way? Well, there will always be something unhealthy in all I do. I am isolated at times, mentally, not physically. I don't mean totally though. I still have friends calling me everyday, just to see how everything is going, or sometimes we plot some future get together that usually never happens. Mario told me yesterday to find a long week-end sometime in the future so we could visit John in Manhattan, we can stay in his luxurious pad. Of course I said yes, but I haven't even looked at my schedule since. Then one of the Nurses asked me my phone so a group of five of us Filipinos can get together in her house, hang around, like some sort of pajama party, in October. Then last Friday, Manuel returned back to Florida to spend time with his lover. Manuel is in a shitty situation now, especially with his job loss and medical expenses, so I thought of coming over to their condo. Mario and I drove him to a Thai restaurant for dinner, and we talked over our coffee in a road side open air cafe, joked around, and when the night got deeper, I bid my goodbye because work would be waiting for me come morning. These are the things I want to do. I am not pressured, I do it because I want to and I have the luxury of saying goodbye when i want to leave.
So this will be the way I will probably spend the rest of my life. At nights after work, I stare at this screen and write anything that comes to my brain. Perhaps I was meant to write these things, I am not sure why I even bother to share my life with a few of you, dear readers. Maybe it's because I am gifted -- to express myself, to write something, anything, as if somewhere out there, someone is listening. I'm sure someone out there probably has a life similar to mine, where free time is so scarce and with what little time we get we sort of try to fill in the big void. Into that void, I try to throw out as many stories as I could, I try to meet as many people as I could, I try to speed read as many books as I could, I try to pray, talk via phone, seek out some social life, help people in need, there is so much void out there, so vast, so deep that my entireness is not enough to fill it in.
I console myself that at least I am trying my best every day. But it's never enough. God knows how we, as humans, especially us Filipinos do love giving up things for the happiness of others. Yet, that won't be enough. We also need to do things we really want to do. Not what we should do, or ought to do, or what others say we should do. In the end, my life would be spend the way I spend it now - mostly alone. So it is much more appropriate for me to keep searching for that wonderful life that will make me happy everyday for the rest of my life being alone the way I am. My last 11 days of vacation gave me a glimpse of that lifestyle. I am so glad.
Return to Home