tale after sex
 

The Pacific Gay Story-teller

(pls. ignore the structural defects of this story, it's pretty much raw and un-revised:)....0



renato got up from the bed, still breathless and sweaty, he stared at the nakedness of his lover Dave, now lying  sleeping with a smile on his face.

renato knelt beside the bed. "all these years," he whispered to his lover, "all these years i still find you the most beautiful man i've ever seen, your agility in making love, the perfection of your body, the warmth of your lips; whoever sent you to me - a Force, God, a Spirit - i thank him, after all these wonderful years."

renato remained standing in the  darkness of the room; it's almost dawn; he stared at the morning rising up outside the window.

dave stirred, "what are you doing?" he asked, still drowsy as he pulled the blanket over him; he stared at renato standing beside the window.

"i'm watching the morning rise," renato answered.

"mmm,"dave said, "you are thinking of the past days again, eh? care  tell me one of your tales?"

"you never liked my stories dave," renato said.

"i like them renato, they make me fall to sleep," dave teased.

"thank you very much," renato laughed.

"but really renato, i love listening to your pacific tales...pleeease?"

renato turned his naked body towards the window, ran his hands on the glass, raised his eyes to the fading morning moon. he stared at the trees outside, very static trees, it felt there's no air; renato let his mind wander - wander back to his exotic beginnings, resurrect the many tropical nights of his youth, against a background of wide farmlands, the gray sky, the expansive mountains that partially hide the moon; he smells the fertile soil; he is embraced by the security of bamboos; he remembers the sound of coconut tree blades  giving that melancholy sound as he walks among the lazy pigs and chicken and water buffalo...

renato's tale:

i lived in a very beautiful town - i remember it now being occupied by thatched houses and trees and gardens all over, people in my town during the old days could not afford fences, so they grew gumamela  and santans and fern plants around their houses, interspersed with acacia and narra and coconut trees -

when month of may came, and most especially when may came - all these plants would start blooming and the whole barrio would become one beautiful garden - yet... we were so used to the beauty we took it all for granted.

it was unfortunate the  beauty around us was not matched by the character of the people - and i could not blame the people because,  being catholics and conservative and unable to handle gays like me, they pretty much acted cruelly, especially my playmates who called me names, they ran after me like i was a dog, treated me like garbage -

so i ended up locking myself at all times inside the house - dreaming of running away from the town, praying no one would notice me or pay attention to my homosexual tendencies; walking fast on the street so i won't hear another insult from another boy;  and i went through lots of insults, i'm telling you...

i mean, some of the older guys would unzip their pants and tell me nasty things while the rest of their gangs laughed boisterously behind; they would put a candle in their mouths and start sucking it everytime i passed; i couldn't rely on my brothers - they looked at me like i had down syndrome, in fact, they'd warned their friends to beware of me because i am gay.

my safest sanctuary was isolation.

inspite of my self- imposed confinement inside the house, i managed to peek through gapes and holes and watched the moves of boys and men around the town; there were gays who succumbed to the boys - by sucking one or two of them - but -  if that happened, any trace of respect for this gay would be completely erased. he'd be forever the abomination of town with only two choices: to either become the push-over of the bullies or get out of town and become a drag queen in some stupid carnival.

i refused to fall into the boys' lures, especially with the likes of my father who once warned the family over lunch that if he hears anyone among his kids becoming as horrible as the bakla next door, this kid should never come back into the house  because he will be burned on the stove.

that was enough for me to isolate myself all the more, afraid that someone would find and 'out' me to my father;

but as i told you, i had a window hole, a crack on the wall where i could watch our boys and men around town, i watched them play basketball and even pee, i watched them play jokes and spit and rumble, i watched them jack off...yeah, i had a hole...

there was mod,

i was just dying to leave town;

i felt to be luckiest when  my parents sent me three towns away to study highschool and to the city of manila to study college; oh they nearly sent me to the town's college to become a teacher,  i fought that out by earning a national scholarship. for me, it was manila or nothing.

and since then...i don't know...i just lost touch with my townmates; being freed from prying and familiar eyes, i released my wanton tastes and sexual desires in places where my town and my family and my townmates would never find me doing. without anyone knowing, (except those who released desires with me anonymously) i became  well versed in hiding while committing the most daring sexual escapades manila could offer; and manila offered a lot; i became a master of being someone else; i lived a lot of many personalities;  that became my best weapon for survival.

i made it, in some ways i've made it -

my town would soon go through its worst poverty and calamity, especially during the last years of marcos dictatorship. suddenly no one paid any attention to my being gay anymore, suddenly i was looked up to as one great son in town...because i finished college.

despite that,  i, being the way i was,  kept quiet and never attempted to reach out to them, it hought it was too late for us to play the games we should have played as children had they considered me with more tolerance then... besides, they were vanishing from town one by one, the misery of life was driving them away, the way it was driving me away from town also.

and then one night, as i was walking down avenida, i saw him - mod was standing beside the station of philippine rabbit leaning against a wall, very relaxed, and staring at me.

my immeidate impulse was to run away from him, just like the way i did  when we were still kids, but, i stopped myself, why would  i run away from him?

here we were, both unknown in the big city, him standing against a wall, perhaps planning to return back home to our small town, while i was returning to my apartment from work - the bully of my youth appeared no bigger than me, and between the two of us, i felt more confident and more tried and tested.

he smiled at me... i never felt so respected with that smile - it was a smile of camaraderie, a smile of recognition, a smile of being with the family.

all the things i feared, all the insults and name calling and jokes i took from him were vanished instantly with that smile.

"how are you renato?" he asked me.

"you must be waiting for the bus back home," i commented casually, suppressing the happiness in my heart; here was the boy i hated and adored at the same time. i could not explain why i was full of dread and excitement in meeting him, why this boy who grew up in the same town where i grew up brought these conflicting feelings in me...

by this time, i have already enjoyed the best schools and earned the best job a man in my profession could attain; wealthy people were already my best friends in manila; i was full of ambition and hope -

yet, not any of them could be measured against having to talk with a childhood townmate whom i never talked to, whom i feared, whom i wanted to run away from yet, whom i wanted since i could remember i was gay.

""renato,"" he extended his hand. i shook it adamantly. ""you've always been quiet, i'm so glad we've met here.""

i bowed my head, i became the shy kid again.

""i'm sorry renato for all the abuses i gave you, i am now realizing how hard life must have been for you with us kids around...we did not make it easy for you.""

it's nothing, i said. what else could i say?

""come, renato, let me buy you mami.""

i wanted to refuse but then, i corrected myself, why would i refuse to be in the company of the boy i hated and loved this? we're no longer kids.

mod continued talking to me. ""ain't life hard nowadays?" he asked. i agreed. we ate mami.

""i still got lots of time before i get into the bus, you wanna watch a movie?"" he offered, while we were eating mami.

i was tempted to say no, but again... why?

so - we were inside odeon theater...

 i smelled nicotine in his breath, he wouldn't stop talking, his words sounded like music to my ears...they kept piercing me...as if on this day, he was returning my youth back to me, as if on this day he was sealing our friendship that was there but we were too embarrassed to acknowledge...

mod said, ""i apologize for what i've done to you when we were still kids, i am realizing only now how i damaged you as a kid; perhaps without those insults and name-callings and jokes i subjected you to, you could have  been around us more, you could have shared with us what you learned in life, at least you could have inspired us to follow your footsteps; but...

""it was too late when i realized my mistake! it was too late to reach out to the one i humiliated who turned to be the best among us - look at me, renato - i was the superior boy around ain't i? but look at me now - i merely finished highschool and never managed to step into college, and i could never use my superiority over you as a child to qualify me for a job...

""i am really scared now...i am wondering what will happen if i get married and have kids, where will i get a stable job?

""it was karma - yes, it was karma that things happened the way they happened, look at me, renato, if perhaps i didn't make life that miserable for you, i would probably be better off...

""i want to make it up, i want to remove the curse of karma that surrounds me, i must make it up with you renato so luck would return back to me

mod began kissing me while i was just too shocked  by his moviehouse drama to respond, i couldn't believe i would be kissed so suddenly by the man i fantasized throughout my childhood, just like that. Just like that!

wait...wait a minute! i cried. i pushed mod away from me, what the hell are you doing? i asked.

but mod was extremely horny at this point, and his lips were warm and no matter how metaphysical his reasoning was  in making love to me, i couldn't resist the sweetness of his lips and the bulk of his muscles and the warmth of his breath, a panting so intense, releasing a musk only wild lions could exude...

i gave in, oh how i gave in, i was locked with the child i always wanted to befriend, the child playmate that could have been mine were it not for the strict and intolerant nature of my town; i imagined the many days i peeked through the hole and gape in the window and the wall of my room, watching this boy throughout my childhood, the one i feared yet  i loved the most...he is finally mine, he is finally my friend, despite knowing i'd never see him again. we would never cross paths this way again...

and the morning pacific sun embraced me, i was lying under the blue skies, beside me was a coconut tree and and not far away, he was walking beside the shore, mod, my dearly beloved man from the islands...now a beautiful memory.
 
 
 
 
 
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