Kahless: Well, today is going to be very exciting! We're joining…oh, wait…
Z: Don't worry, got the Imperial/Dominion/Drahk jamming device thing right here!
Screen is covered with static, makes some funny noises and then returns to normal.
Kahless: We decided that giving tactical information is kind of necessary, but we don't want our enemies watching it, so we've jammed their TV receivers for now.
Storm Trooper 1: *thumps TV* What's wrong with this thing?
Storm Trooper 2: There's jam coming out of the TV…
Storm Trooper 3: NO!!! They're jamming us so our superiors can't see the good guys battle plans!!
Storm Trooper 1: Why are they jamming us then? Can't they just jam our superiors?? I wanna watch the show!
Storm Trooper 2: Yeah! It's no fair! If Z tries to kill Kahless again we'll miss it!
Kahless: We, the good guys are going on an offensive, we're hoping to knock out the Empire's closest large-scale station. If we knock it out we can all but destroy the Empire's offensive ability for weeks!
Z: *putting together some sort of device* Yeah, you have NO idea how bad we need the break!
Emperor: What is that?
Weyoun: It appears to be a sort of jam…
Vader: *investigates* Sir! It's raspberry!
Emporer: the Insolence! To give me a raspberry!!
Thunderbolt: I got a report that said something about the three powers in the Alpha Quadrant Alliance are each sending 300 ships. No, wait the Romulans are sending 400. That's a lot!
Kahless: Earth Alliance and the Minbari are each sending about 500, the other B5 races are sending anywhere from 100 to 300, and the Rebels have tossed in over 75% of their fleet.
Z: And this brings us to the awesome grand total of…over 3,000 ships!!
Storm Trooper 1: Yay!! Its back on!
Storm Trooper 2: Has anyone died yet?
Storm Trooper 3: Doesn't look like it…
All in unison: Drat!!
Storm Trooper 4: Hey, look on the bright side, we get to see any deaths happen.
Kahless: Our ship is in the fleet, and according to estimates we should be ready to rumble in a few minutes.
Z: Always seems to be the case you notice? We always come in a few minutes before the battle. Why is that?
Kahless: Hey, would these be nearly as entertaining if we didn't have the time to focus on the commentators? Hold on, I'm getting some coffee.
Z: Here's my chance! Thunderbolt, what's that over there!
Z uses this distraction to super glue a quarter to the floor and set up some kind of trap. Meanwhile, he doesn't realize that there actually is something in the direction he pointed. Thunderbolt is knocked aside by a bright ball of energy, which he proceeds to chase. Kahless comes out and sees the quarter.
Kahless: Hmm, money! *bends over* grrr….seems to be stuck.
Z: YES!!! *hits button* …… *nothing happens* GRR!! *mashes button*
Kahless slices the super glue with his bat'leth and walks away, --just-- as a boulder crashes onto the little red 'x' the quarter was on.
Z: Go figure…
? the !: Hello!
Thunderbolt: What the hell are you?
? The !: I'm Question Mark the Exclamation Point, I'm gonna be a commentator!
Z: How the hell did you get a name like 'question mark'?
? The !: How'd you get a name like Z?
Kahless: Lack of imagination, it's the best he could do.
Z: grrrrrrrr……..Question mark, tell. How did you get that name?
? The !: Well, Q was supposed to make an appearance, but the writer made a typo.
Freakin' Huge Fleet: WHOOSH!! BAM!!! POW!! BLAM!!
Kahless: And we rush in! The first wave is small stealthy attack ships, i.e. birds of prey that come in and target the bridges and shield generators! The larger ships come in right behind them firing everything we have! *whew…*
Z: As Kahless is so fond of saying, we're dispensing merry hell on a democratic basis!
? The !: oooh…pretty, pretty colors. BOOM!! BAM!! BOOM!! CRASH!!!
Thunderbolt: God, not another one!!
Kahless: The Empire has raised shields and is starting to return fire.
? The !: what?
Z: We've got 'em surrounded! And we're pulverizing them with twinkly beams and light balls!
Thunderbolt: Another insane freak! We have two too many as it is.
Kahless: Hey, looks like ? and Thundy are getting mad, let's watch!
? The !: You wanna fight?
Thunderbolt: I never thought you'd ask! *blows ? out window* THERE'S ONLY ROOM FOR THREE COMMENTATORS ANYWAY!!! *fires like mad, blasting ? around*
? The !: *waves hands* You are now…….CONFUSED!! *FLASH!*
Thunderbolt:….what the hell? ……..where am I? ……..why don't I have legs?
Z: Confusion! Dirty trick! I like this guy.
Kahless: The station is huge! It's got 4 outer-stations with multiple ISDs parked, and the innermost section is huge! Got to be 5 miles, and there's nearly 300 ships docked here alone! The Galaxy wing is making a run for the innermost station!
Thunderbolt: GET OFF ME YOU FRAGGIN' BASTICH!!!!!!! *sends electricity through-out hull*
? The !: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! *falls into sun*
Z: The Galaxy wing fires an impressive array into the station, and pulls off receiving several turbo laser blasts. GOO STARFLEET!!!
Thunderbolt: Whoo-hoo!! Got him good!
Three seconds later thousands of jumpgates open up and ships pour out firing all weapons.
Kahless: All available ISDs have taken off and are firing on our forces, they seem a touch outnumbered though. The Minbari slice their way through a small wing and open massive fire on one of the smaller stations. The shields are holding!
Z: And the Empire is hitting back! Totally covering all nearby space with turbo-laser fire...they still manage to miss most of the time. The Minbari are taking a few hits though.
Massive firepower is showering the area, ships of all shapes and sizes shooting at each other. Thunderbolt joins in a while, only to have something flash in behind him.
? The !: Hey! I didn't fall into the sun!
Thunderbolt: What? Drat. *gets blasted by a beam* *blasts back*
Z: Looks like those two are still at it.
Kahless: A large amount of Narn ships are coming in for an attack, releasing fighters…actually everyone's releasing fighters!! Arg! Hard to keep track…
Z: Jeez, think they brought enough ships? This is just the first wave and already about 20 Star Destroyers have gone down, and the shields are in piss-poor shape on most of the stations.
Kahless: TIEs and other fighters are buzzing about all over the place!
Thunderbolt and ?: BLAM!! POW!! WHAM!!
Little ship: Zip! Bam! Pow! Dodge!
Z: Hey! Is that what I think it is?
Kahless: Why, Z, I believe it is! That is none other than the immortal…
Kahless and Z: …Milenium Falcon!
The Falcon sweeps through firing at Imperial ships and mopping up TIEs. Rouge Squadron pulls up with it and they start giving the TIEs a sound butt kicking, in 3D and surround sound.
Kahless: The Rouges fly over a crippled ISD and pound it with everything they have, the ISD's hull starts to crack, and a Galaxy Class starship finishes it off.
Z: Uh….those funky looking TIEs just came up behind them!
Kahless: Those are TIE Advanceds you idiot! Uh-oh, they're firing into the back of the fighters, the A-wings turn around to fight while the other ships just take the pounding!
Z: The Falcon is nailing them with those cool turrent guns.
Han: You want a piece of me!?! Come and get me! *ba-da-boom!*
Chewie: Rwwaaarr!!
Thunderbolt: Why don't you just die?!! RAAAA!!! *bam! Boom! Bang-bang!*
Kahless: Hey! Minbari fighters just swooped in and blew the crap out of those TIEs!
? The !: Hey, it's Han and Chewbacca Hey there Chewie! How's it hangin?
Chewbacca: Raar??
Han: We have fans, COOL!
Z: They look to be doing very well. Now they're covering some breaching pods that are headed for the base. Heeheehee poor B5 people, they can't just beam in like we can. Heeheehee.
? The !: Hiiiyaaa!!! *smacks Thunderbolt causing him to spin around quickly*
Thunderbolt: uhhhhh…..space sick….*wobbles around* I feel like I have to throw up…….how is that even possible??
? The !: *shrugs shoulders* don't ask me!
Thunderbolt kicks up the thrusters and rams right into Question Mark sending them both tumbling off into the distance.
Kahless: The Babylon 5 forces meet up with beamed in Starfleet officers and Romulan soldiers. They quickly slaughter about 50 Storm Troopers and head further in. They're almost to the command center……oh no, what's that?
ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRR!!!!!
Z: It's him again, who else?
Mass of panicked soldiers: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Kahless: They totally freak out at the site of the 400 foot tall atomic dinosaur…
Z: Oh gee whiz, that all? They must be a bunch 'a sorry, yellow-bellied cowards…………. That was sarcastic you know.
Kahless: [AHEM!!!] Anyway, they scream, some drop their guns, and they all break out in a dead run back to their ships.
A bunch of ships break off the station and rush back to their main ships at super speed. The Star Trek people are beamed back.
Z: Well, I believe that marks the shortest on-foot offensive of all time.
Kahless: Hey, Thundy and Question Mark are still at it!
Z: Wow….when those two duke it out, they mean it!
Thunderbolt: YOU CALLED ME THUNDY AGAIN!!!!!!! RRAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!
Kahless:…..uh-oh…
Thunderbolt very nearly rams Kahless, but Question Mark the Exclamation Point hits him with some kind of energy blast and he spirals out of control into a wall.
Thunderbolt: grrrrrrr…..
Z: OUCH!! Brutal! Question Mark has picked up Thunderbolt and is slamming him into every hard thing he can find!
Kahless: One of the stations is destroyed, and two more are crippled. Only the inner one and one of the outer ones pose any threat now! The fleet docked at the station has been decimated, the few remaining Star Destroyers are on their last legs!
Z pulls out a large, very sharp, and incredibly scary looking knife. He takes careful aim and throws it with incredible force right for Kahless's head. Kahless turns just enough just in the nick of time and the knife does nothing more than cut off some of his hair.
Kahless: Huh?!?! *feels back of head* What the!?! Z!! *looks in mirror*
Z: *Shaking* oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!! I'm screwed, I'm screwed, I'm screwed!!!
Kahless: Hey! Doesn't look half-bad Z! Thanks, I've been wanting a trim for a while now. Any way, the first wave of heavy cruisers is pounding the inner station.
Z: *whew!* I am so glad that Klingons aren't the universe's most….intellectual beings
Thunderbolt kicks up a thruster at just the right moment burning Question Mark who lets go. Thunderbolt snaps around, nailing Question Mark with his nose cone, sending him through a wall and into the hull of a ship. Thunderbolt lets loose a nasty barrage of laser fire.
Kahless: The station is starting to lose its shields, but it's taking a heavy toll, damaging many ships and shooting down many more. Hey! Thunderbolt's winning now!
Z: He's grabbed Question Mark with…….something, and he's smashing Question Mark repeatedly into the armored hull of an Omega. Ouch, that's got to hurt.
Kahless: That's an extend-o-hand equipped on all Star Furies, it's usually used to grab damaged fighters, but it works for opponent bashing too I suppose!
Thunderbolt: [smash!] how… [smash!] do….[smash!] you…[smash!] like it?!?! [smash! Smash!] eh, [smash!] punk?? [smash!]
Kahless: We've detected a weak point in the stations shields, and nearly 100 vessels are concentrating all their fire on it!!
? The !: You….are…now…CONFUSED!!
Ka-chink!
Z: Huh? What's that?
Thunderbolt: what?!? What the hell!?!?! WHERE ARE MY ARMS!?!?! What am I doing in space?
Kahless: I don't know.
A HUGE gun array on top of the inner/large station bursts open with a massive barrage of heavy turbo laser fire. Over thirteen lighter class ships are destroyed, 10 more crippled, 2 heavy ships destroyed, and 5 more sustaining heavy damage. Just at that moment Thunderbolt regains his senses and charges into Question Mark getting him stuck on the tip of his nose cone.
Thunderbolt: Prepare for pain!
Z: YI!! Did you see that?!?!
Kahless: I've never seen Thunderbolt move that fast! He's got Question Mark on his front, and he's gonna smash him into the Station's shields!!
? The !: This could hurt…
SMASH!!!!!!!!!
Kahless: Whoa! They just happened to hit that weak point in the shields, and went through them! They're still going!
Z: This isn't gonna be pretty!
CRRRAAAASH!!!!!!
Kahless: They tore right through the outer hull! They're still going! They smash through Storm Troopers, fly right by officers having lunch…still going…
Z: What the hell are they doing having lunch in the middle of a battle?
Sccccrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kahless: Thunderbolt hit the brakes, but Question Mark is still going!
Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Crash!! Smash!!!
Z: and Question mark flies right out the other side of the station. That probably hurt, wouldn't you say?
Kahless:….that question is too stupid to deserve an answer… Well, those super-durable Imperial shields are failing, the stations are crumbling apart, and all docked ships have been destroyed, looks like we get to go home soon.
A massive rush of escape pods fly out of the stations, the very first of which is abnormally large.
Z: Godzilla was the first to bail! The chicken!
Kahless: Uh, hope that he didn't hear you Z.
Question Mark flies right back out the way he came in, looking mad and screaming something unintelligible. He lands on Thunderbolt and starts hitting him like crazy.
Z: Yipes!! Kahless, there's a lot of bad guy jump gates!!!
Kahless: Uh-oh…I've never seen so many Drahk ships before. Well, maybe in that Crusade movie, but that didn't happen in this site's continuity. Anyway, they have our fleet in a nasty crossfire.
Z: There go some White Stars! An Omega, some BOPs, a Warbird, a Galaxy Class, a Sharlin, a Rebel heavy cruiser, a half dozen Miranda Classes, some small miscellaneous ships. It's Carnage-City! YAY!!!
Kahless: A few ships are blowing apart the remains of the Imperial launching station, but for the most part they've turned around to waste the Drahk, who are now losing ships left and right!
Z: Hey, Thunderbolt and Question Mark just got blasted by two Drahk ships!
Kahless: And it seems the two have survived.
Z: DRAT!!!
Kahless: BOP takes down Drahk fighter, Two others waste the BOP, three White Stars die, killing 5 Drahk ships, it's getting intense! The Millennium Falcon is currently part of a strafing run on a Drahk mother ship!
Z: Hey, where are our star weapons?
Kahless: They got delayed, they should be coming in any minute. A team-up of the Enterprise E and the Excalibur should put a damper in the enemies day. And, consistent with cartoon-like timing, here they are!
Z: Ooh, I see they've finally added that Gattling-Quantum-Launcher they've been talking about! One torpedo every 0.54769 seconds!! And it fires, boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-BOOM!!!!
Kahless: Our fleet is taking heavy damage, and the Drahk are taking heavy casualties, but they've succeeded in cutting off multiple ships from the main fleet!
Z: The Enterprise E is firing a ton of torpedoes into the station…..and it finally blows! Whoo-hoo!!! High-budget showy death for the station! Lots a' explosions!!
Kahless: All ships have turned to fight the Drahk. We've hurt the Empire, so let's get the Drahk while we're at it!
Z: Hey, look…Question Mark and Thunderbolt are hitting each other with….Drahk ships.
Kahless: Things are getting ugly out there. Some Drahk ships are headed for Thunderbolt and Question Mark.
Z: They shoot the other ships out of the commentator's hands and hand-equivalents, and are shooting at them now. Thunderbolt dodges, so does Question Mark…
Thunderbolt: RRAAAAHHHH!!! DIE YOU FRAGGIN' BASTICHES!!!
? The !: Hey! Don't hit me, hit him! *points at Thunderbolt* Ok, that's it! you are….CONFUSED!
Kahless: Thunderbolt shoots down one, and Question Mark flashes something at another one. The Drahk ship Question Mark hit is……stumbling? And it smashes right into another Drahk fighter, both go boom!
Z: Hey……."go boom" is my line….
Kahless: The Enterprise and Excalibur both rack up their 13th kill, The Defiant and Ivanova's White Star both rack up their 11th. Wait, what's that?
Z: Well, it appears to be the Dominion/Imperial fleet that was docked here, but went out for maneuvers a little while before we attacked.
Kahless: They can't be none too happy. Our fleet is damaged, the objective complete, and the Drahk fleet is mostly gone; I'd say its time to go.
Z: Get no argument from me! Let's pick up Thunderbolt and Question Mark, they've knocked each other out and are just floating there.
The Imperial and Dominion ships come in just as the fleet's starting to leave. The two sides fire at each other just before the good guys make a frantic escape. ST ships warp off, SW ships hit hyper speed and B5 ships jump to hyperspace. The bad guys follow for a while, slashing at the good guy's fleet, but most ships get away. Except for a stray few that got separated from the main fleet.
Ivanova: Great…what the hell happened??
Marcus: Our jump engines were hit so we couldn't enter hyperspace. We'd still be back there trapped in the Imperial fleet if we hadn't been caught up in the warp "backwash" of a Federation Starship.
Ivanova: We've been dragged through space at warp speed? No wonder I feel motion sick……so, just how far are we from base?
Marcus: If these incredibly heavily damaged control panels are right, we should be about 200 light years away…
Ivanova: Damn! Get to repairing the Jump engines as soon as you can.
Marcus: Eh…that could be a problem, as far as damage control teams can tell, they're irrepairable…
Ivanova: What?! We're major characters! The engines have to be repairable.
Marcus: Tell that to the jump engines. They're about 400 meters away floating in space.
Viewscreen goes on, an indeed, about a quarter of the ship is going the opposite direction.
Ivanova:……that sucks.
Marcus: Tell me about it.
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