As we leave off with Battle 13, Ivanova and her White Star crew have been stranded deep in Imperial space. 200 Light years behind enemy lines, jump engines destroyed, Ivanova asks the big question:
Ivanova: With all this plot tension, why the hell didn't the writer get on this sooner?
A very good question! One that I'm not…(looks at phaser at head) …one that I am going to answer! Well, you see, I was doing fan fictions for other sites, ignoring my readers…(looks at phaser again) I'm such a bastard. Ok, I was writing a Pokemon one, very funny, about Meowth becoming a trainer, and… "Ha ha! This is fun! I probably should get Spoof 2 done, but I don't have a schedule to go by! They can wait!"

A large shape blots out the sun and the computer goes haywire, the fan fiction disappearing.
Me: "What is going on here?!!?" I look outside, it suddenly got very dark, and there's a HUGE cube right on the horizon!!!
The computer goes weird again and there's a view of what looks like the inside of a Borg vessel.
"We are the Borg. You will cease and desist this idiotic fan fiction and continue working on your site."
"WHA?!?!" I fall over backwards.
"This is not the first time you have delayed in updating your site."
"Eh-he-he…Still miffed huh guys?"
"Borgs 2 and 3 were MONTHS late!! How do you think that makes us feel?"
"Uh, ok…Pokemon can wait, I'll get on Spoof 2."
"Good. Make sure you finish Borg 4 shortly afterwards, or you will be assimilated."
Ok, major freak out! Got to get Spoof 2, Borg 4 and Battle 14 done ASAP!!! Well, anyway…

Ivanova: Really that bad?
Marcus: You saw it yourself, our jump engines are about 7 kilometers away, and the damage…
Ivanova: Oh yeah, Lenier, care to give me that damage report?
Lennier: Uh, you sure you want to waste that much time?
Ivanova: Ok, sum it up for me.
Lennier: We're severely fucked up sir.
Marcus: When a Minbari says something like that, it's got to be true…
Ivanova: Uh…ok, what is working?
Lennier: Life support, propulsion engines at 15 percent, and a tractor beam.

The White Star shakes about.

Ivanova: Uh, just how far are we from the battle?
Marcus: Not far enough! TIE bombers!
Four TIE bombers fly towards the trashed White Star smashing it with bombs.
Ivanova: Ah hell! I love it, on a Minbari ship it covers two bases!
The White Star turns to face the attackers and energy surges along the outer hull. The main gun crackles as the White Star's remaining power is channeled into it, the barrel glows and…

A little tiny trickle flies forth, fizzing out after about 10 feet.

Ivanova: (Almost Anime "Face-faults") That was disappointing.
The TIEs continue to pound on the White Star, causing it to shake about.
Ivanova: Let's ram those bastards!
Marcus: NOT a good idea!!!
Ivanova: Why not? We've done it before.
Marcus: For one thing, our hull is currently being held together by chewing gum…
(screen pans outside, where several hull plates are indeed, being held together by little pink blobs)
Marcus continues: the bio-field is inoperable, and we can move at all of 5km an hour at present.
Ivanova: Damn! (grabs to railing as White Star shakes again) We aren't even adapting are we?
Lennier: No, the power to that system is being routed into life support and damage repair…
Ivanova: Well, can't we do something! (cusses as another jolt knocks her to the floor)

Wing Commander Sam was having fun, for once a target they could hit! He brought the remains of his squad around for another pass, and something very disturbing happened. Something smashed into his windshield causing his TIE to wobble a bit. He looks to see what it was and an insane looking woman in a space suit glares back at him. She looks totally rabid and screams at him, he can't hear her of course, but it shocks him enough that the TIE flies out of control. The bomber smashed into another, both exploding. The explosion kicks the other 2 around, one madly flying away and the other floating dead in space. Ivanova had let go and kicked away just before the TIE pilot totally lost control, and she used the thrusters to move to the TIE.

A while later the White Star is chugging along very, very slowly--being pushed by the commandeered TIE. Without the power drain to the engines and ripping out the batteries from the TIE, the White Star's auto-repair is now working, sort of.

Ivanova is typing into a calculator. "Let's see, if we were at optimal speed it would take us 400 years to get back, so at current speed...damn that's a lot of digits…." Well, after a very boring day the White Star is running at an overall efficiency of 10% and the TIE has been completely scrapped to be used for parts.
Ivanova is pacing, well, she's been pacing actually, there's a little track worn into the floor.
Ivanova: "Damn I'm bored…I rather wish we were being shot at!"
The White Star shakes about as multiple tiny laser bolts hit it.
Ivanova: "About time! Identify the attacking ships!"
Minbari dude: "TIE interceptors, looks to be 7 to 9 of them."
Ivanova: "Ok, charge up the secondary weapons…God I hope they do some damage…"
Outside on the White Star's nose cone, four PPG's attached via extension cord charge up.
Marcus: "Well, if they are going to damage ANYTHING, TIE interceptors would be it."
The PPG's fire rapidly sending those little red ball thingies towards the TIEs. Two get hit in the windshield, which promptly cracks open. Three more are blown off course by shots into the wing. The remaining TIEs break formation and skedaddle.

Ivanova: "Well…The writer is getting repetitive isn't he?"
Marcus: "It's tough you know…ever try writing a goof-ball story like this?"
Ivanova: "I pride myself on not being blamed for anything like this, actually."
Lennier: "Well, let's get the parts shall we?"

The Interceptors boost the White Star again, allowing damage control systems to work a little better, and the White Star picks up more speed. They also replace the PPG's with the TIEs weaponry, and manage to get the main cannon working just barely. They continue on for about 8 hours uninterrupted, and the White Star recovers a little, it's hull starting to grow back together.

Minbari: "Uh-oh"
Ivanova: "Uh-oh?! Uh-oh what?"
Minbari: (points to view screen)
Ivanova: "Uh-oh"
Marcus: "Uh-oh what?"
Ivanova: (points to view screen)
Marcus: "Uh-oh"

An Imperial Star Destroyer is closing on the White Star. Unable to run or fight, what, oh what shall our heroes do?

All our heroes: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! (running around frantically)
Ivanova: "How could he paint his favorite characters into this kind of situation?"
Marcus: "Uh…dramatic buildup?"
The ISD closes, charging its gun ports and locking a tractor beam.
Ivanova: "SHIT!!! We're fucked…"

Suddenly a hole opens behind the ISD. It's black--you can see it 'cause it blocks out the stars and is sucking stuff in. The ISD disappears into it, and the hole itself disappears just before the White Star is pulled in.
Marcus groans audibly and rubs his forehead.
Ivanova: "What? What was that thing?"
Marcus: "It was…it…"
Ivanova: "OUT WITH IT MAN!!"
Marcus: "It was a plot hole."
The whole White Star crew groans and rubs their heads.
Space itself twists and bends as a horrible plasma storm surrounds the White Star. A loud voice on 'God Reverberation' shakes the White Star "THAT IS IT!! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR LIP!! YOU SHALL STOP DISSIN' THE WRITER AS OF NOW!!!"
Marcus: "uh…no objections from me!"
Ivanova: "ah…me neither…"
"GOOD, NOW LET'S GET BACK TO THE STORY."
Ivanova mutters: "If you could call it that."
A beam falls from the ceiling and knocks Ivanova out. Marcus is hovering over Ivanova as she comes to. He holds out his index finger and asks her, "How many fingers am I holding up?" Ivanova mutters fairly incoherently, "Uh…you're each holding up three, so 27 or 30…somewhere in there" and passes out again. Marcus stares at his solitary digit and at the beam that smacked Ivanova.

Three days later the White Star has made a lot of progress in terms of repairs. It's also fought through 3 or 4 TIE squadrons.

Ivanova: "Well at least we're far enough from the battle-site that we won't have to worry about fighters anymore."
Marcus: "I thought you were bored without them…itching for a fight so to speak."
Ivanova: "Yeah, but those fighters get so redundant…"

Three TIE fighters zoom over the White Star and head away quickly.
Ivanova jumps in surprise, "I was sure we had gotten far enough away from where that station used to be!"
Lennier pipes in, "I believe those came from a Star Destroyer."
Ivanova: "Oh crap! Let's waste those little pricks before they can warn their capital ship!"
The White Star lurched forward chasing after the fighters. The fighters kick up speed trying to outrun the still badly beaten White Star.
Ivanova: "Blow the shit out of 'em!"
Lennier: "Uh…ok…"
The White Star's forward gun lashes out an energy beam, blowing apart the offending fighters. Click here to see a move of that!
Ivanova breathes a sigh of relief and falls into her chair. "Got em!"
Outside scene: The White Star screeches to a stop, the sound-gag there for no apparent reason. There's a strange little gasp noise and the WS snaps around 180 degrees and runs like a bat out of hell.
Ivanova: "Oh for Christ's sake, what now?"
Marcus: "I thought you were Jewish?"
Ivanova: "What's that got to do with any…oh. Well what's it matter?"
Lennier: "That's what's wrong!"
Three Imperial Star Destroyers are following the fleeing Little White Star that could.
Marcus: "I was beginning to wonder when we'd see a reference to the title."
The White Star weaves and dodges most of the Turbo laser fire and turns around firing its slicer beam into the lead SD. The shields hold for the most part and only a faint scorch shows across the hull armor. Ivanova takes control of the cannon and quickly fires away. When done there is a faint signature reading, "Susan Ivanova has a Minbari Slicer Cannon, and PMS. Any questions?" The Star Destroyers slow down a moment and seem to consider just how wise it is to attack.
Suddenly the three Star Destroyers blast away with all their firepower. The little White Star dodges most blasts, and does adapt to standard turbo laser fire. The White Star flies in between and around the Star Destroyers firing into them and causing them to hit each other. The White Star flies away with the Star Destroyers chasing it. The White Star stops abruptly, turns around and a sign pops out. The sign has a tongue sticking out and makes a "Bllllttt!!!" sort of noise.
Imperial captain dude: "That is it!! I've had enough of being made fun of!!! I'VE HAD IT!! I'VE HAD IT!!! I'VE HAD IT!!!! BLOW THE SHIT OUT OF HER!!!!" This particular Imperial Captain has had a long, sad history of being teased by his peers, even today other captains pick on him. This isn't all that relevant to the story, but it does explain his tantrum.
The White Star takes 5 turbo laser shots with no substantial damage and heavy turbo laser weapons only glance it, causing minimal damage and allowing it to adapt to the higher power. The White Star fires its pulse-ball-weapon-thingies at the lead Star Destroyer's bridge causing light damage.
Ivanova: "God damn it! Do I have to fire everything myself?!" She pulls out an ACSI Super NES turbo controller and attaches it to the weapons system, setting all the fire buttons to turbo, Ivanova proceeds to go postal upon the Imperial vessels. All four of the White Star's pulsing weapons fire at the rate of fully automatic machine guns, and soon destroy a shield generator. The White Star is rocked violently by the physical impact of turbo laser fire, it snaps around 180 degrees and runs for it again.
Just as all three Star Destroyers fire every last weapon at the White Star it flips around again, avoiding the wall of fire power, and firing back. The Star Destroyers take little damage, but 3 battle cruisers being embarrassed by a lone medium assault craft like this is a real pain. The Star Destroyers pull out the last weapon in their arsenal with any hope of hitting the small, fast ship.
The White Star swings to the side avoiding a massive barrage of new weaponry. Ivanova comments that she hasn't seen this weapon before and a blast hits the WS at just that moment. The White Star loses piloting ability as it drifts forward, some weird electric surge surrounding it. The White Star soon regains its composure and turns, avoiding several missiles.
The White Star starts to run again, but it is visibly slowed. Two more of the energy blasts make contact and the ship erupts in electrical discharge again. The White Star barely manages to turn around and return fire. The main cannon and a pulse weapon soon fizzle out and the other weapons fire at reduced efficiency. Ivanova is getting pissed, which isn't hard to do, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!?" Lennier shrinks back a little as he explains that EMP pulses designed to wreck havoc on ship systems are hitting them.
Ivanova refrains from hitting him, due to Marcus grabbing her hand before she can, and orders to reroute power to engines. The White Star makes a sluggish turn around, dodging less than a quarter the weapons and lurches forward uncertainly. Another Ion blast strikes the White Star and the lights go out as the systems finally fail and only its momentum carries it forward.
Ivanova gets mad again, shouting at Minbari to get something to start working. She's about to smack the console with a mallet, when the Star Destroyers turn around, and after a moments hesitation jump to hyperspeed.
Ivanova mashes buttons trying to get something to work. "Damn! Just the luck, we survive all this only to freeze to death in a stalled out White Star." Marcus says that there is a generator isolated from the rest of the ship that could be of use.
Ivanova: "Why didn't we use this earlier?!"
Marcus: "It didn't fit the plot until now…"
Mere minutes later Marcus and Ivanova are taking turns pulling at the pull cord, not succeeding in getting the White Star to start.
Bbrrrrr--brrrtt!!! Chug-chug-chug-putt…
Vrrrrrr!!! Vrrr!! Put-put-put…
YANK!! WHIRRR!!! VWWWOOOON!!! (lights come on)
Ivanova and Marcus: "Yay! We did it!" (the two hug each other, Ivanova realizes what she just did, so does Marcus and Marcus hides for fear of a painful encounter with Susan's fist)
Ivanova comes back to the bridge and asks for a reason why the Star Destroyers left. Lennier explains that a small alliance fleet was around and they were called away to fight it. Ivanova insists that they send a signal to the fleet and ask for pick up.
A short while later a Miranda class Federation Starship is sent to pick up Ivanova and crew. Unfortunately a small Drahk fleet in hyperspace picks up the messages.
Just as the Miranda class comes out of warp the Drahk jump out of hyperspace and start shooting. The Federation Starship takes out 3 ships and the White Star takes out the other five. Marcus yells that a full wing of Jem'Hedar assault fighters are on their way. Ivanova screams in frustration and smacks a control panel. The bad news is, this is the weapons panel, the worse news is; the White Star was facing the Federation Starship.
USS Mitchell: BOOOOM!!!!
Ivanova: "OH SHIT!! Uh…um…THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!" She glares at the rest of the crew until they nod in agreement.
The White Star shoots off towards friendly territory at full speed. Just then the Jem'Hedar come out of warp and chase after the White Star. The White Star is considerably faster and the gap between it and its pursuers continues to widen. The Jem'Hedar assault fighters fire at the White Star, most miss and the few hits don't cause very major damage. After about 10 hits the White Star is out of firing range.
Ivanova: "For once I'm glad to be out of the heat of battle…"
The Jem'Hedar jump to warp and appear right in front of the White Star, plastering it with polaron beams as it flies by. The White Star shakes violently and spins with smoke streaming from the newfound holes scarring its hull. The White Star turns abruptly, dodging more blasts, and fires its main cannon, tearing a Jem'Hedar fighter in half. The Jem'Hedar charge and the White Star jerks up and the last moment, avoiding blasts and coming down behind the Jem'Hedar ships.
"LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE BEING SHOT UP THE ASS!!!" Ivanova screams as she tears 4 of the fighters new action holes. The remaining 10 fighter craft split up, going different directions each, the White Star spins around wondering which to chase. It finally decides to follow one, but a Jem'Hedar fighter meets it head-on. The White Star takes a blow to the nose that sends it teetering but it returns on course and tears up the offending fighter. By now all the fighters have turned around and are heading for the trapped White Star. Outnumbered, damaged, and outgunned, the White Star now relies on its impossible maneuverability. It spins and dodges, flies over a blast, spins so another goes between its wings, and then starts spinning in circles at incredible speed. The White Star spins like a top, darting between fighters and whirling along. The Jem'Hedar shoot each other and the White Star comes to a stop. The White Star proceeds forwards, stumbling along like it's dizzy as hell.
Ivanova views the damage, the auto-repair systems hadn't completely fixed the old damage, and the White Star was going to fall apart on them. "This completely sucks." "Took the words out of my mouth." Ivanova, Marcus and Lennier sit around somewhat depressed, things didn't look good…that they ever did, but this was especially bad. The White Star had been chugging along for nearly a week now, and they really weren't noticeably closer to ISA space. Then, the sirens went off.
Ivanova groans, "Oh, what the hell is going on now?"
"Imperial Star Destroyer headed right for us!"
Marcus asks what the ship status is, and everything is working from 50 to 60% efficiency. Ivanova looks up and says that at least they'd die in a blaze of glorious battle, and gets very funny looks.
The White Star moves forward, and one of its rear fins falls off, as does a bottom section of the left wing. The White Star fires full barrage into the SD and tries to turn, but with the loss of its thruster/fin it turns funky and gets caught in the tractor beam anyway.
The White Star is pulled all the way into the Star Destroyer's cargo bay and everyone starts saying his or her prayers. As the hull starts to come under cutting torches, Marcus decides that he's going to die anyway and kisses Ivanova. Ivanova staggers back from shock, but figures, 'hell, we're gonna die, why not?' She half hugs Marcus as the wall crashes down.
Marcus and Ivanova start to get mushy and are interrupted by an annoyed Sheridan, "Good god, you two get left alone for a week, and…ARG!!" Ivanova and Marcus jump up, surprised, Sheridan catches it, points to the Rebel troops and says, "We stole it, whatcha think?" "uh…very impressive…" "yes…quite good…" Ivanova and Marcus dart opposite directions. The Stolen Star Destroyer returns with the White Star that did, and Ivanova makes Marcus…understand…a few things.

The End.

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