First Crush
By Elizabeta
December 31, 1996

I was but just a normal girl,
But then I saw you.
Love forever changed my world.
I was overcome by strange feelings.
I became a babbling fool.
I would do anything,
Say anything,
Just to win your heart.

I would call you just hear your voice
And stare at your window for hours.
I never saw you when I did this
You had mini blinds.
I couldn't keep my eyes off you
And when you caught me looking,
I would quickly look away like I didn't care.

Oh, how my heart yearned for you,
But I never told you how I felt.
I dreamed about you every night.
You and I were laughing and doing things together.
I woke up to face the bitter reality.
I was without you
And I thought I would always be.

I cried into my pillow
And thought,
He doesn't even know I'm alive.
I was a hopeless lovesick fool
With my head in the clouds.
I daydreamed about you constantly,
Your pictures plastered my bedroom wall,
I collected the candy wrappers you dropped,
And worshipped the ground that you walked on.

I didn't have the courage to tell you how I felt.
I couldn't even talk to you
I was afraid you wouldn't like me.
So I went on dreaming about you,
Spying on you,
And I had my collection of your litter framed.
I couldn't help it.
I was young
And I had never been in love before.

One day I finally decided to ask you out
And my heart was broken and so were all my dreams.
You were walking with a gorgeous blonde
And laughing and doing things together.
I felt so hurt, so sad, so angry.
I wanted to kill both of you.
I wanted to make her look like the Living Bruise.
Maybe she wouldn't look so pretty then.

I thought nasty thoughts about her,
The girl who stole my lover's heart away.
I called her names like a snob,
And some I can't mention.
And I thought of you as a stupid boy,
Who was lured into that girl's trap.
I thought of revenge,
But couldn't think of something appropriate.

As I was crying over you one night,
I realized something.
That other girl didn't steal my you from me.
She didn't know I liked you.
You didn't even know.
Love had turned me into a possessive, jealous monster.
I cried in shame,
Instead of love.

But I was relieved.
You were someone else's boyfriend.
I wasn't going to spy on you,
Dream of you,
Or do any of the things I used to do.
I was free from the burdens of love.
Love had released me from its clutches.

I hope I'll never fall in love again.
But if I do,
I'll ask him out.
I'll never go through the torture
Of loving someone,
But being too afraid to tell them how I feel.

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