The Dukes of Hazard Hell Trilogy

The Dukes of Hazard Hell

By Asellus
Cloud, Yuffie, Tifa, and Barret are downstairs in the Avalanche hideout...
Cloud: This freaking sucks! There's nothing but shit to see on TV.
Yuffie: Cloud, shut up and change the stupid channel.
TV: It's the Dukes of Hazard!
Tifa: Crap! Cloud! Change the channel!
Barret: Yeah. Before Cid comes in.
Yuffie: I think Cid is coming. Quick! Change it!
Cloud's finger almost touches the button when... Cid yells.
Cid: Don't even think about touching that remote!
Tifa: Change it!
Cid socks Cloud right in the head and Cloud is knocked out cold.
Cid: Yeah! The Dukes of Hazard!
Yuffie (whines): I want to watch Gordon Elliot! Tonight they're talking about divorces.
Tifa: I want to watch the Late Show.
Cloud: ... I want to... watch... WWF... Raw.
Tifa: Look! He's coming to!
Yuffie: Cid, don't torture us!
Cid: Sorry, but you all know that I'm just crazy about the Dukes of Hazard.
Barret: We don't care! I want to watch McGuyver.
Yuffie: BORING...
Tifa: Let's just watch something on HBO.
Cid: NO!
Barret: I'm gonna blow your ass away if you don't change the channel!
Cid: No way...
Cloud: Just change the F$&(ING channel!
Yuffie: You cuss too much.
Barret: You ain't heard my cussin' yet!
Tifa: Guys, just stop arguing, and watch HBO.
Cid: NO!
Cloud: Fine. Have it your way. I'm going to slice you in half!

Then, all of a sudden, a blinding flash of light covers the whole room. Then, they all look to see where they are.

Yuffie: Where the heck are we?
Barret: What the...
Tifa: Let's just guess.
Cloud: This whole room is big! And look! It has a giant TV!
Cid: And look, there's vending machines that make popcorn, has tons of snacks, and drinks!
Yuffie: Wherever we are, it's really cool!
Tifa: I must agree with you on that one.
Just then, Rufus ShinRa's face appears on the screen. All of them are surprised.
Cloud: What the...
Barret: Hell...
Yuffie: Is going on!
Tifa: Huh?
Rufus: I've decided to give you a break. I just wanted to do you a favor. As you can see there's a giant bag of quarters over there in that corner. That's for you guys so you can have loose change for vending machines. And now, to present you with all the reruns of Dukes of Hazard!
Yuffie: What! That's plain torture!
Cid: Yeah! Thank you Rufus!
Cloud: Wait, but...
Rufus: Bye!
Tifa: NO!!!!!!!!!!

The Dukes of Hazard theme song begins to play...

Cid: Yeah! Now this is the life!
Yuffie: You know what?
Cid: What?
Yuffie: You stupid, idiotic, mentally ill, retarded, out of date asshole! I hate the Dukes of Hazard and so does everyone else in here. And you're happy about it?
Cid: Shut up you B*&^%!
Yuffie: I'm going to kick your ugly ass!
Tifa: I must admit that... YUFFIE'S RIGHT!
Cloud: Yeah! I really feel like kicking your ass.
Cid backs up and drops on to the big black comfy sofa.
Cid: I um... sorry?
Barret: I'm gonna bust yo caps!
A sweat drop rolls down Cid's face.
Cid: Um... can we settle this? I'm sorry! I... um...
Yuffie: Prepare to get your sorry butt kicked!

The Dukes of Hazard Hell: The TV War

By Asellus
At the Avalanche headquarters...

Cloud: Damn it! There's nothing but shit to watch on TV!
Barret: You got that right! It's more worse than shit!
Yuffie (nodding):I must agree with you guys. It IS worse than crap.
Tifa: Oh, god! Look at the TV!
TV: It's the Duke of Hazard! ::theme song starting to play::
Yuffie: Change the channel, Cloud!
Cloud: Okay!
Cloud's finger almost touches the remote, when, Cid comes running out and yelling out curses that you wouldn't want to know.
Cid: Goddamn it Cloud! Don't touch the F^#@$%& remote!
Cloud: Make me! NO ONE wants to see that damn show!
Cid: I do!
Cloud finger touches the button, and the channel switches to a weird channel none of them have seen before. ^.^
TV:Oh, baby! Yeah! Uhhhhh! Ohhhhh!
Cloud drops the remote, and his mouth drops in awe.
Cloud: What the... XXX Freedom?
Yuffie: Ewuuu! Gross!
Tifa: Cloud, how the hell did you know the name of that channel?
TV: Yeahhhhhh!
Barret: I'm devoted to my wife. I'm not watching this.
Cloud: Oh, it said so at the bottom of the screen.
Cid: I'd rather watch the Dukes of Hazard.
Cid presses a switch on the remote, then, it goes back to the Dukes of Hazard.
Cid: This rocks!
Yuffie: You're mentally ill.
Tifa: Damn it, Cid! Change the dumb channel!
Cid: No way! I'm not changing the channel!
Barret cocks his gun arm.
Barret: Oh, yes you are.
Cid: Make me! Goddamn it! Dukes of Hazard is the bomb and you know it!
Cloud: Damn it Cid! Change the dumb channel!
Cid: Fine! Goddamn it!
Cid changes the channel, and it becomes another channel they have never seen before. ^.^
TV: Hi, all of you beautiful babes of Midgar! It's me, Reno, the cutest, coolest hunk around!
Barret: I hate Reno!
Yuffie: He's so cute!
Tifa: Yuffie, you've gotta come to senses.
Yuffie: How? Like you liking Cloud?
Tifa: I do not!
Yuffie: Sure... you don't.
Cid: Let's watch those sorry losers!
TV (Reno): This is my friend Rude, that's really rude, and bald, and ugly.
TV (Rude steps out and begins shouting):Damn it Reno! I happen to go out with more girls in a week than you do in a year! Don't you know my motto!
TV (Reno): What? Bald and stupid?
Tifa: This is stupid.
Cid: I'm quite interested in this.
Yuffie: I want to see what Reno does!
Cloud: You guys are all morons.
Barret: You are Cloud! Mebbe you don't got no brain to think about stuff! You're jes fulla surprises! One minute smart, one minute stupid!
Cloud: SHUT UP!
TV(Rude): All of you beautiful babes out there, if you want to go out with me, remember my motto is "bald and sexy". It's true, and and if you want to go out with me, and have some fun, call me at...
TV (Tseng): Rude! Reno! Cut it out! This is on LIVE television!
TV (Elena):Arrggg! Can't you see I'm trying to watch Gordon Elliot right now! I don't want to hear your perverted comments!
TV (Tseng):Elena, I'm not perverted.
TV (Elena): Of course not, Tseng! You're the most decent man!
Reno and Rude keep fighting, then, knock over the TV in which Elena is watching Gordon Elliot.
TV(Elena):Damn it! Now, I'll miss what happened to the guy that dumped his wife! Stupids!
Cloud: Turks will be Turks.
Cid: YEAH! The Dukes of Hazard!
Yuffie: NOT AGAIN!

The Dukes of Hazard Hell: The Return of the TV

By Asellus
Barret, Yuffie, Tifa, and Cloud are in sitting in the Avalanche hideout, watching TV...

Cloud: Why is there always shit on Friday nights?
Yuffie: Beats me.
Tifa: Don't sound so negetive. Maybe we might find something interesting to watch.
Barret: Like hell.
TV: Well, many people have threatened to kill us if we kept showing the Shinra Channel, or was it the Disney Channel? Anyway, we don't have any other choice but to present... The Dukes of Hazard!
Yuffie: Oh, GAWD! Change it, before Cid comes!
Tifa: Cloud, remember what happened the last couple of times we got stuck with Cid?
Barret: Hell yeah! The first time, we got stuck watchin' all of those goddamn f^%$ing reruns!
Yuffie: And the second time, we got stuck watching the Shinra Channel, XXX Freedom, and watching two shows straight of the Dukes of Hazard!
Tifa: See? You HAVE to change the channel! I don't want Cid in here!
(Cid runs out of the bathroom...)
Cid: Don't even think about changing the goddamn, f%$#ing channel! We're GONNA watch the Dukes of Hazard. Period!
Barret: Hell no! You damn mother f^%$ing crazy pilot! Remember all of that shit we had to got through! I'm gonna bust yo caps, and make sure you don't piss for ten years!
Cloud: Damn it, Cid! I'm changing the channel no matter what!
(Cloud presses the button, but nothing moves)
Cloud: What the...
Barret: Damn it! Change it!
Cloud: I'm trying! (pounding the buttons on the remote)
Tifa: What's wrong?
Cid: It's no goddamn use, so let me watch the Dukes of Hazard!
Yuffie: You guys are such morons! (Opens up the back of the remote) It's called BATTERIES. They give the remote POWER. When the batteries are DEAD, the power is gone! D'oh! (takes out the batteries)
Cid: Ha, ha! I threw away all of the batteries! Now, you'll have to watch the Dukes of Hazard!
Tifa: Cid, no, we don't.
Cid: Yeah, you do!
Tifa: Well, look! (Walks up to the TV, presses a button on the side, and the channel changes)
Cid: Goddamn it, Tifa! Change it back!
Tifa: ....(plugs ears, and sits back on the couch)
Cid: I SAID change it back!
TV: Baywatch! So stay tuned!
Yuffie: Oh, GAWD. Not again!
Tifa: Gross! (about to get up to change the channel when someone yells)
Cloud: DON'T TOUCH IT!
Tifa: ????
Cloud: I wanna watch Baywatch!
Tifa: I HATE Baywatch! When did you become a pervert!?
Cloud: I'm not! I just like the adventures they do, that's all!
Yuffie: Sure...
Cid: YEAH! It's Babewatch!
Yuffie: You're sick. It's called Baywatch.
Cid: Well, I call it Babewatch.
Yuffie: GAWD! Cid became Don Corneo!
Cid: I did not! Cloud became Don!
Cloud: NO! I'm not like Don!
Cid: Yeah, if you had a mohawk, you'd look just like him.
Barret: Goddamn it, you stupid goddamn, mother f^%$ing piece of crap! We don't wanna watch Baywatch!
Cid: Well, I think Dukes of Hazard is better. (walks up to the TV, and changes the channel)
TV: Well, we've gotta find out a way. The dukes need to...
TV: It's the Nudewatch channel! Only on Kick-your-view!
Cid: What the...
Yuffie: I didn't do it!
Tifa: Hey, I'm not interested in this kinda crap.
Barret: I don't watch shit like this.
Cloud: It was me, but it was by accident.
Everyone: WHAT?!
Yuffie: Than change it, for gawd's sake!
TV: It's the Old School Parade!
Cid: Yeah!
(Yuffie walks up to the TV and changes the channel to another one)
Cid: Yuffie, why did you change the goddamn channel?
Yuffie: Because it SUCKS!
TV: The news, is coming up!
Yuffie: GAWD! The NEWS! This is just as boring!
Cid: Goddamn it! I wanna watch the Dukes of Hazard!
(Cid gets up and changes the channel to the Dukes of Hazard)
Tifa: This is getting very boring!
Cloud: It's 'cause of Cid, that's why!
Cid: Goddamn it! Intermission? My ass!
Everyone: .....
Cid: I'm waitin' 'till they fix that f&^%ing problem!
Yuffie: NO WAY!
(Yuffie runs up to the TV, and changes the channel again)
Yuffie: Yuck! It's Oprah! I hate talk shows!
Tifa: Hey! I wanna watch Oprah!
(Cloud runs up to the TV, and changes it back to Baywatch)
Barret: I ain't gonna watch no Baywatch!
Yuffie: Ain't is not a word.
Barret: Whatever foo'! (walks up to the TV, and changes it to another channel)
TV: Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Barret: Now, this is quality television!
Yuffie: Heck no! This is for kids!
Barret: So? (Sings along to the Bill Nye the Science Guy song)
Tifa: I wanna watch Oprah!
Barret: (singing) Bill Nye, the Science Guy...
Yuffie: Shut the heck up! Gawd! Your voice is killing me!
Cloud: Damn it! I wanna watch Baywatch!
(Yuffie changes to another channel)
TV: It's Barney!
Yuffie: YUCK! GAWD! Someone! Save me! It's, it's something more evil than Sephiroth! IT'S BARNEY!!!!!!
Everyone: NO!!!!!!!!
TV(Barney): I love you, you love me, we're a special...
Yuffie (singing along): I hate you, you hate me, let's get together and kill Barney, with my giant shuriken, I stabbed him in the head, now we know that Barney's... dead!
Tifa: Nice, song about killing Barney.
Yuffie: NO! This is torture! Agh!!! (runs around like crazy, plugging ears)
Cloud: This SUCKS! (Walks up to the TV, and changes it to Baywatch again)
Yuffie: Damn it Cloud! I don't wanna watch Baywatch!
Tifa: I want to watch Oprah NOW!
Cid: I wanna watch the Dukes of Hazard!
Yuffie: He, he! I got spare batteries! (sticks them in the remote)
Cid: Goddamn it, Yuffie! Gimme the remote!
(Yuffie and Cid hog over the remote)
Tifa: Damn it! I wanna watch Oprah! (tries to take the remote from Cid and Yuffie)
Barret: Damn mother f^$#ing foos'! Gimme the damn f%$#ing remote! I wanna watch Bill Nye! (starts to hog over the remote as well)
Cloud: I wanna watch Baywatch!
(Everyone stops hogging over the remote for a second, and stare at Cloud)
Cloud: What?!
(Everyone is hogging over the remote at the same time, when they all pull at the remote at the same time, at a strong force, sending the remote flying to the TV screen, and breaking the TV)
Cid: No! My dukes!
Yuffie: It's your fault!
Barret: Yeah! I was gonna watch Bill Nye!
Tifa: You guys are crazy. No, I can't watch Oprah!
Cloud: This sucks! And I never got to see this episode of Baywatch!
Yuffie: Gawd. Now, we don't even have a TV to watch!

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