NOTE FROM DYNE: DO NOT FLAME THESE GUYS FOR MAKING FUN OF ONE OF MY BEST FICS, I GAVE THESE GUYS PERMISSION TO DO THIS AND I REALLY LIKE THE JOB THEY DID. I'VE BEEN A FAN OF MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 FOR A LONG TIME AND SOME OF THE MOVIES THEY'VE MADE FUN OF ARE ACTUALLY SOMEWHAT ON THE OK SIDE, SO GOOD FANFICS CAN BE MADE FUN OF TOO.
Dreams (Gundam X)
The Mystery Science Theater 3000 concept & related characters are owned and copyrighted by
Best Brains Inc., whereas the MiSTing avatars are copyright of their respective authors.
Sailor Moon, DragonBall Z, Final Fantasy, Xenogears, and the other characters who crop up
are copyright some other random Japanese people.
This story and respected numerous original characters copyright of Dave Paradise (AKA Dyne).
And Dyne, we heard you have a great sense of humor, so please do not take any of our jibes
at Dav Cole or any other aspects of your story personally. Just consider this as C & C.
With a bite.
TRK in association with MST4k and MAT3k present:
MultiMiST #001: Extreme Crossover Havoc
Co-Misted by Bodger (bodgerkirin@hotmail.com), Darth Kirby (georgebobolink@hotmail.com), and
R. Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com)
Featured story: "AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon" by Dyne (paradised@yahoo.com)
Part Una
Beginning transmission...
*****
Ever since the dawn of time, time has awaited heroes of light to lead the meek and to defeat
the evil dark that opposes them. These destinies are not always life shattering...but some
can change alliances, time, and the world in whole...
This is, of course, not one of them.
This was, in fact, the attempt of one man, known to the world as CEO Nwabudike Morgan, head
of the largest capitalist company in the known universe, to drive six detainees from three
different plains of existence totally insane. The alliance that formed shaped the dimension
and brought everlasting...
Okay, it didn't do that either. It just caused lots more angst and silly situations. I
mean, face it. Six people locked in a small room watching cheesy stuff? I mean, what's
that supposed to accomplish? It just doesn't sound devious, for God's sake. Sounds like
the college film club. Well, I...
[at this point, the management found it necessary to replace the narrator.]
Well, anyway. Morgan was at his headquarters and came across a nice little fanfiction
called "AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon" by the fabled Dyne. And he wanted to share this to the
world. But after a while, he couldn't find any friend who'd read it willingly. He decided,
therefore, to use it as torture.
But who, may we ask, would be so worthy of this torture?
*****
The day started off normally for the residents on the Satellite of Mojo. They all had got
up, had a nice breakfast, and were waiting for the call from Judicator Aldaris and Prelate
Zeratul, their self-appointed torturers.
Adol and Garland, two of the unlucky residents, were busy fixing the Jitlov Drive on the
satellite. After a rather severe meteor shower, there was a considerable amount of debris
clogged in the gears. As you can expect, this did not make them all too happy.
"Hey, Garland," Adol reported. "We got another chipped paralaxil bifurcator down here. Toss
down the negatron!"
Garland frowned as he looked down at the toolbox full of exotic Protoss repair equipment.
"Which one's the negatron?" he managed to say after a few minutes.
"The red thingy," Adol replied.
"Oh, yeah. The red thingy." Garland handed the nearest red "thingy" to Adol, who got to work
on one of the little gears next to the engine.
After a while, Adol held out his hand. "Lateral file."
Garland just blinked.
"Yellow thingy with black stripes."
"Yes." Garland handed Adol a yellow 'thingy', which Adol looked at suspiciously.
"The yellow thingy with HORIZONTAL black stripes," he said, with a tinge of frustration.
"I thought that was the bamflier," Garland protested.
"No. The bamflier is black with yellow stripes. I can't successfully extract the beryllium
rods with a bamflier, now can I?"
"You're just making this up as you're going along, aren't you?"
Adol blinked. "What?"
"Face it, Adol," Garland said as calmly as he could, "you have as much idea of what you're
doing as well as I do. This is a Protoss ship with Protoss tools with names that you can't
pronounce. Let's just screw this and get a beer."
"Beer?" Adol yelped. "Our satellite is broken! How can you think about beer at a time like
this?"
"I'm thirsty."
Adol glowered at Garland. Then he shook his head.
"Aw, what the heck," Adol sighed. "Let's get a beer."
Then, suddenly, there came a flash of light, and Adol and Garland disappeared.
Ten minutes later, Dekar and Gamma emerged with a plate of food. "Hey, guys!" Dekar shouted.
"We made some burritos! Come and..." He looked around at the barren room. "Funny. They
were here a minute ago."
"Who cares?" Gamma replied as he grabbed a burrito. "More for us."
*****
On the Satellite of Avatars, Kirin and Hibichi were hard at work on a plot hole which had
opened up in the hallway between the theater and the bridge-- one of the unfortunate side
effects of living so close to the fourth wall.
It was about halfway through the job that Alexis entered. "Dammit Kirin, you missed the
Mads' call," she groused.
Kirin grunted and slathered on a bit more industrial strength Reality-Repair(tm) onto the
hole. "Sorry about that. We noticed this just as we were leaving the theater and figured
we'd better patch it up before anything bad happ --"
Kirin and Alexis suddenly disappeared.
Hibichi looked around in confusion. "Uh, guys?"
*****
Meanwhile, on the 3rd Floor of Normal West High School; Joel, Jim, and Ying were all laughing
maniacally and playing with a Whitney Matheson voodoo doll. It appears to be soaking wet.
"Okay," Joel said, trying to contain his laughter. "What should we do next?"
Ying snickered. "I know!" he said. "Make her change the channel from Who Wants to be a
Millionaire to..."
"Star Trek: Voyager?" Jim suggested.
"That's a little low, Jim," Joel replied. "Even for us."
"Yeah," Ying agreed, "and she probably has a crush on Robert Beltran."
Jim shrugged. "Okay, okay. . . how about Biography?"
"No, too much of a chance it'll be about her idol, Don Knotts."
There was silence.
"I know!" Jim said finally. "Sailor Moon! Being a conservative b***h, I'm sure she'd hate
it..."
"Not to mention she'd probably run right off to a NOW meeting to cleanse herself of it..."
Ying thought.
"It's all set then," Joel took out a small blue fuku and started to put it on the doll.
"Speaking of which," he said, "how come we never get to MiST any Sailor Moon fanfiction?"
"Too popular," Ying replied. "Plus, you'd just drool over the short skirts the whole time."
Whilst discussing this, Angela entered the room angrily. "Hey!" she shouted shrilly. "What are
you guys doing with my Southern Chicago Barbie doll?"
Jim and Ying stared at Joel.
"Joel," Jim said scornfully, "did you take this from Angela without permission?"
Joel smiled nervously. "Well, it was beaten up already-"
"That's just because she came with White Trash Ken!" Angela grabbed the Whitney Matheson voodoo
doll and ran off, but not before she called Joel a rather naughty word.
"Good job, Einstein," Jim said. "Why are you always so mean to her?"
"B-but you're the one who told me to find a friggin' Whitney Matheson doll!" Joel protested.
"This is no time to play the blame game, Joel." Ying said. "Why don't you just try to be
nice to her just for today? You never know when me and Ying may go to a better place..."
Almost by coincidence, a there came a bright light, and Jim and Ying were whisked away by a
higher power.
"You're robots! You don't die!" Then Joel looked around. "Jim? YING? They're gone!" He paused.
"Well, don't I look stupid now..."
*****
And so, the abductees were assembled.
Adol Christian and Dark Knight Garland, out of work RPG characters.
Kirin Torak and Alexis Davenport, condemned Self Insertion characters.
Jim and Ying, a cardboard cutout and a sock puppet.
Not especially the BEST combination, but fitting nonetheless.
*****
The abductees regained consciousness inside a small, dark room. It took a while for them to
fully adjust to their situation. Ying was the first to speak.
"What the hell just happened?" he groaned.
Garland frowned, and looked around the room at the unfamiliar faces and unfamiliar
surroundings. It was a standard theater lobby with red carpets, a small unmanned concession
stand, and a glittering theater entrance. He looked around again, and stared at one of the
new arrivals.
"Uh...who are you guys?"
"Who are we?" Alexis replied. "Who are you?"
"I asked you first."
There was a long silence.
"Well, this seems to be a very pleasant gathering," Jim commented sarcastically.
"I got an idea," Ying said finally. "Let's go around the room and introduce each other."
That is exactly what they did.
"Guess I'll start first," Garland said, sitting down in a chair. "I'm Dark Knight Garland,
an out of work bad guy from the original Final Fantasy. The red-haired guy behind me is Adol
Christian, a hero from the Ys game world."
"Hi," Adol added, waving to the group.
"Well, the basic gist of the situation was we used to work on a TV show on Shinra Industrial
Network called "TRK", or the Theater Riffing Kombine with Dekar, a guy from Lufia 2, and
Gamma, a robot who came from Moebius. And then, for some reason which we weren't quite clear
about, these aliens abducted us and put us on this satellite..."
"Where you watch cheesy fanfics?" Kirin completed.
Garland blinked. "Well, sort of. We've just been doing some editorials and Final Fantasy
fanfics so far."
"And we've been asking for quite a while for a Sonic fanfiction," Adol added again.
"Why?" Jim asked.
"It's a whole lot better than listening to Stephen Gohan demanding we abolish 3D gaming," Adol
got up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go to the bathroom." He did so, and Garland motioned
for Kirin to begin.
"Well, I'm Kirin Torak, and this is Alexis Davenport. We've been stuck up in a satellite for
the past few months with our resident SI Bodger, who USED to be the Mad till our evil clones
showed up. So it's basically us, a teenage vampire hunter named Hibichi, and a Crow clone
named Crow 2."
Garland blinked again. "Uh, isn't SI..."
Alexis waved him quiet. "Yes, yes, self-insert. We're really close to the fourth wall between
the SI continuum and the MST3K fic world."
The others still looked confused.
Kirin and Alexis sighed. "Forget it."
"Very well," Garland turned to Jim and Ying. "Your turn."
"Our turn?" sighed Jim, "Where to begin?"
"Duh," Ying smiled, rolling his eyes, "It began December, 2001. Our friend Joel's mad Physics
teacher trapped us up on the 3rd Floor of his Normal West High School. Joel went in the back,
built us, and we now sit around making fun of bad fanfics."
Jim added to it, "Mr. Nelson, our Mad, watched MST3k too many times and thought he could break
Joel's will. Hasn't worked yet."
"Yeah."
"We mostly do Ranma stuff," admitted Jim, "But we do get more than our fair share of Whitney
Matheson."
"Who?" asked Kirin.
Jim and Ying's collective shudders answered their question.
"Oh, and we also have this thing with The Dominion, Angela, Gypsy getting killed, some guy
named Adcock, Vincent Shepard who can only talk in clichés, Ying being not being an actual
robot, and the ever popular slapstick," added Ying.
"A fun time for the whole family," concluded Jim.
After a while, Adol came out of the bathroom with a confused look. "Something's pretty
unusual," he said, scratching his auburn hair. "I've never seen such clean facilities in my
life. Where the heck are we?"
"Maybe I can answer that question," a soft, educated voice said somewhat behind them.
As the group turned around, a thin television screen flickered on, showing the face of a
well-dressed black man with white hair and aquiline features. He looked similar, eerily, to
Nelson Mandela.
Kirin gulped. "Who are you?"
"A simple question," the man said, "with a simple answer. The name is CEO Nwabudike Morgan,
chairman of Morgan Industries, the richest company in the known universe. I'm also a
best-selling author, a shrewd businessman, enlightened despot, and at least for tonight," he
sneered, "your...torturer."
The group looked at each other, being a bit confused for words.
"I see you'd like to know what purpose I had brought you here."
"To torture us?" asked Kirin.
"I mean besides that."
"It'd better not have something to do with six people being trapped in a theater and the last
one wins a million bucks..." Adol grumbled.
"Nothing so mundane, man!" shouted Ying, "Since we're all MiSTers, we all appear to be in a
theater of some sort, and there's no one at the concession stand, I'd say it means..."
"Free food!" shouted Jim, jumping toward the booth.
"No, you dolt. It means that we get to finally see Star Wars: Episode II!"
Garland shook his head, "Be quiet and let the mad man smile evilly and explain his plan!"
"Why should we?" Alexis huffed.
"That's what they do in all the Bond movies..." explained Garland.
"Glad you're interested," Morgan smiled evilly. "You see, I've been watching each of your
experiments with great interest over the past aeons. Think of it. A group of intrepid
adventurers braving it out, setting themselves out against fiendish spelling errors, omnipotent
insertions, and in a few cases, naughty situations. And after each situation, you become
harder and stronger."
Alexis thought about Hibichi. "That's debatable."
"Since when is sarcasm considered a sign of manliness?" wondered Kirin.
"Okay, maybe you don't take them that seriously. That's a big reason you're here. I want to
subject you to bad fiction."
Adol stepped forward. "Uh, excuse me, Mr. Nwam...er...Nbaw...Morgan, I don't mean to be rude,
but do you think you can come to a point please?"
"Silence!" Morgan boomed, shooting a lightning bolt from the screen and hitting Adol straight
in the chest for no apparent reason.
"Now," Morgan sighed, "I have devised a rather interesting experiment for all of you. I hope
you..."
"Uh...I think we need to get Adol some medical attention first," Garland said, looking at
Adol's smoldering body. "He looks really hurt."
"SILENCE!" Morgan yelled again, shooting another lightning bolt at Adol, who was rolling on
the floor in agony.
"Now, as I was saying, this experiment will test your spirit and give me some satisfaction.
The..."
"I'm serious," Garland said emphatically. "Adol looks kinda hurt."
"I SAID SILENCE!" Another bolt of lightning hit Adol, setting a section of his hair on fire.
"Now, the selected piece of..."
"Adol, you okay?" Garland asked Adol, who looked rather stunned.
"SHUT UP!" Another lightning bolt hit Adol. "Your fanfiction today is..."
"But Adol's still hurt!"
"I SAID SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUUUUUUUUP!" A couple of more lightning bolts hit
Adol.
"Garland, you speak one more time, I will KILL you!" Adol screamed in pain.
Morgan calmed down. "Now, any more interruptions?" There was silence. "Good. Now, your
piece of pain is titled "AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon". It's long, it's wacky, and it has many
crossovers, many out of character characters, lots of beer and foul language, and a couple of
avatars and self-inserted characters that beat up each other for the reason of entertainment."
"Sounds familiar." Kirin shrugged.
"I'll give you some f**king bad language," muttered Jim. He then froze. "Why'd I just say
f**k?"
"Forgot to tell you," Morgan said pleasantly. "I installed a v-chip in the theater.
Didn't want all the curse words to warp your mind."
"My mind's already warped!" Ying yelled from the back.
"Good," Morgan said, beaming. "I knew you'd like it. Enjoy." The monitor flicked off.
"What a weird and strange young fellow," Garland observed.
"Wait," Adol said, shaking himself off. "I don't like this SI concept."
"Aw, come on, Adol! I think we're very lovable, don't you?" Alexis batted her eyes, making
Adol blush.
"You know it disturbs me when you do that," Kirin said.
She grinned. "That's why I do it."
The calm was shattered by a shrieking siren and flashing lights. This made the group curl
up on the floor and scream. Then, suddenly, it stopped.
The monitor came back on. "I didn't mean to do that," Morgan apologized. "Just make your
way to the theater."
"I think my eardrums are shattered..." muttered Alexis.
"Say, you think you could blind us too? Then we won't have to read this!" asked Kirin.
"Let me think," replied Morgan. He paused for one whole second. "No. Go in please."
And the group went through the open doors to the theater.
[Converting to script mode]
(the group enter the theater. They sit down. Order: Kirin, Adol, Jim, Alexis, Garland, Ying.)
Kirin: Well, this totally kills my weekend.
Adol: I hope I don't miss Lodoss War for this...
> AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon
Jim: Didn't Sailor Moon outrun an avalanche in 'Ski Bunny Blues'?
Ying: That's low, Jim.
Jim: What?
> By Dyne
Kirin: (Dyne) The Planet has SPOKEN!
Alexis: Ill content with merely framing Barret for murder, Dyne turns to fanfiction as his
method of extracting revenge upon the world.
Adol: The poor, bitter man.
> Final Fantasy VII and Xenogears are copyright Squaresoft Inc.
> All Nintendo characters are copyright Nintendo Inc.
> Sailor Moon is copyright its respected creators.
Garland: Yet this is the last time we'll respect them.
Adol: This entire story is copyright of some Japanese guys.
> Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is copyright Best Brains Inc.
(silence)
Kirin: ... Please tell me I misread that.
Alexis: Poor Mike and the Bots...
Ying: No way! This is shameful...
Garland: I DEMAND my money back!
Adol: We didn't pay.
Garland: Do you think I care? Give me MONEY!
Morgan [Over Mike]: If you don't stop b***hing, I'll put on some Robert Tsunai. And I'm sure
no one wants THAT, do they?
Jim: Well...once you consider it...
Morgan [Over Mike]: Enjoy the fic.
> Dragon Ball Z is copyright FUNimation Productions.
Ying: Notice how they take the FUN out of FUNimation.
> All respected characters not aforementioned are copyright their respected
> creators.
Garland: Yeah, and the rest of you can go to hell.
> In AVALANCHE Hq. Dav, Cloud, Vegeta, and Spanky are duking it out on Super
> Smash Bros.
Adol: Meanwhile, Tifa and Aeris were in the headquarters cheering them on.
Jim: Ah, nothing starts out a nice fanfiction than some good old fighting on the...Spanky?
> Cloud: (Playing as Link) Eat boomerang you moronic cream puff!
> Dav: (Playing as Kirby) I don't think so! (Grabs Link and slams him out)
> Hahahahahahaha! Link's gay!
Ying: (Link) No I'm not! I'm just experimenting!
Garland: Let me guess. Dav's the author, right?
Kirin: Thought it was Dyne.
Garland: But Dav's the name he uses.
(pause)
Jim: Well, he IS winning.
> Cloud: Dammit!
> Spanky: (Playing as Mario) I've got a proximity mine and know how to use it!
> Vegeta: (As Captain Falcon) Big deal, eat this! (Blasts his @$$ off with a ray
> gun)
> Spanky: Mama mia!
Adol: Uh...does this sound like realistic game banter to you?
Garland: No.
Alexis: They haven't used major expletives yet.
> Dav: Game over! Should we whip these idiots' @$$es again Vegeta?
> Vegeta: F**k yeah!
Jim: Oh, I remember this episode of Dragon Ball Z now.
> Cait Sith: That's 2 for Vegeta/Dav, 0 for Cloud/Spanky.
Kirin: And negative 50 for the audience.
Adol: Spanky? It's a Little Rascals crossover now?
Garland: If Froggy shows up, I'm leaving.
> (Upstairs)
> Tifa: Since when did Dav invite Spanky to live here?
> Aeris: Then again, since when did Dav live here?
> Dyne: Since I started this fic!
(there is a crash in the back of the theater)
Garland: Well, there goes a part of the fourth wall...
Kirin: You get used to living without it.
Jim: Will the hilarity ever start?
> Tifa/Aeris: Oh...
> Red XIII: Excuse me Tifa, you left the bar unguarded again.
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Goes on a drinking rampage and breaks some
> bottles)
Alexis: Tequila Man! He stands for truth, justice, and drunken rampages!
Adol: Call me crazy for having a hunch, but I have a feeling that this guy is going to be
the most mature character in this whole story.
> Tifa: S**t not again!!! (Runs in to stop Cait's Friend)
> Aeris: Good one Double D.
> Tifa: Shut up Ancient b***h!!!
Ying: B***h? Now what do you suppose that is?
Kirin: Bunch.
Ying: Oh, okay. Weird.
> Cid was the one on guard duty! What happened to him?
> Red XIII: Does Cid sleeping answer your question?
Alexis: (Tifa) Well no, not really. Oh wait, it does.
> Cid (Snoring his head off and dreaming) Damn! Daisy Duke's hot!
> Barret: Shows how unreliable that f**kin' redneck is.
> Cid: (Gets up instantly) I heard that you goddamn monkey!
(All makes monkey sounds.)
Garland: (Howard Cosell) Look at that little monkey run!
> (and shoves his spear up Barret's @$$)
[All wince]
Kirin: Well, um, that's ONE way to clean out the old bowels...
> Barret: Ah s**t! Not again! My @$$! My f**kin' @$$!
Ying: You know, one of these days some poor mortician's gonna see those wounds and wonder
exactly what kind of sex life Barret led.
Alexis: Watch it...
Kirin: I'd listen to her. She hits hard.
> Cid: Guess who's also been training under Vegeta?! (Flicks Barret off)
Adol: I see he knows Vegeta's special attack.
> Barret: Sh't!!!
> Tifa: Cid you just cost me 5000 gil for the drinks!
> Cid: Hey this isn't the first time that motherf**ker's drunk your
> booze!
Garland: (Cid) Remember when Joe Don Baker came over?
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Jim: (Cid) D'oh! You blew my secret identity, ya jerk!
> Reno (Walks in): Yeah I hear you buddy!
> Cait's Friend/Reno: Tequila man!
Adol: Booze. It makes everyone your friend.
Ying: Well, I guess walking into this place is slightly more effective than setting it
on fire and blaming the occupants, like she usually does...
Garland: Or having a Plate fall on it.
> Aeris: (Kicks Reno out of the bar) Since when are Reno and Cait's
> Friend best buddies?
Jim: Since that demented episode of Ally McBeal, why?
Kirin: Let's ask another question. Who's Cait's friend?
> Red XIII: You shouldn't have said that.
> Dyne: Because I said so!
> Aeris/Tifa/Red: D'oh...
> Cid/Barret: ...Poopy!
Ying: Yes, the hilarity never stops when Dyne makes himself God.
Adol: This is gonna be a recurring theme, isn't it?
Garland: (Dyne) Yes, kos I SAID SO!
> (Back downstairs)
> Cloud: (Now as Yoshi) Die you Saiyin pussy! (Turns Falcon into an egg
> and farts him off the edge)
Jim: EXTREEEEEEEME gas problems!
> Vegeta: As always you forget something.
> Cloud: What?!
Ying: Your pants!
(rimshot)
Alexis: The heck?
Garland: Glad I brought the ol' synthesizer along.
> Dav: THIS!!! (Throws a bob-omb and blows Yoshi's egg-sucking @$$ away)
Adol: You know, most people suck eggs with their mouths. (pause) When they do, that is.
Jim: Maybe @$$ is symbol language for 'mouth'.
Adol: I doubt it.
> Cloud: AH! S**T! NOT AGAIN!
Kirin: Is it like a prerequisite to swear like that in these fics?
> Vegeta: You know what they say, "The defeat of a Saiyin warrior only makes the
> Saiyin stronger!"
> Cloud: Now who are "they"?
Garland: (Vegeta) Oh, just some nutcases in Detroit -- d'oh!
> Spanky: You said that in the last fic.
Adol: There's another one?
Alexis: Will someone PLEASE let us in on the jokes please?
> Dav: Big deal! (Whacks Mario with a bat)
Kirin: ...splattering brains all over the...
Jim: Please stop. *urk*
Garland: I can see veiled anti-Italian sentiment here.
> Mario: (Goes flying off the screen)
> Dav: Ha! We win again!
> Cait Sith: The score is 3:0.
Ying: Fanfic three, audience zero.
> Spanky: I think we'd better give up.
> Cloud: Hell no! We're gonna defeat them yet!
> (Suddenly the TV goes crazy)
Kirin: And kills them all, the end.
> Vegeta: What...
> Cait Sith: the...
> Dav: bloody...
Garland: bloody...
Adol: bloody...
All: BLOODY...
> Cloud: hell?!
> TV: We interrupt this program to bring you this special report.
Alexis: (TV) Saliva has been found to be fatal if swallowed in small amounts over a long
period of time.
> Spanky: It must be really important to interrupt a video game.
Garland: (TV) No, we just wanted to remind you how great "Survivor" is.
Kirin: (Spanky) Aw dammit!
> Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock!
> TV: Saffron city is under attack by a completely unknown source!
> Dav: Saffron?!
Adol: Parsley?!
Kirin: Sage?!
Ying: Rosemary?!
Alexis: Thyme?!
Jim: Chief?!
All: MCCLOUD!
> Cloud: That's the Pokémon city!
> Vegeta: Do we care?
> Dav/Cloud/Cait: No.
> Vegeta: Fine then.
Kirin: There. Problem solved, end of fic.
Adol: (Vegeta) Back to the unintelligible game trash talk.
> TV: Okay now it seems that the attacker is a giant winged hell demon.
Alexis: (TV) And now it seems like he's picking up some people, but we couldn't be too
sure of that. Ooh, ooh, and it seems like he's breathing FIRE!
> Cait Sith: That's Vincent!!!
> Cloud: No s**t Sherlock!
Adol: (Spanky) I thought *I* was Sherlock!
Alexis: (Cloud) Shut up.
Ying: (Sherlock) Yes Watson. S**t! The matter from this feces is exactly like the matter we
found on the purloined letter.
> Vegeta: Should we help him or stop him?
Jim: Help him stop this fic! Please!
Ying: Killing thousands of innocent Pokémon isn't my thing, but, hey, it's a free country.
> Dav: I suggest we do both.
> Spanky: I'll stay here and watch the fort.
> Cloud: Alright everyone, let's mosey.
> Cait/Dav/Vegeta: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp!
Alexis: (C.S.) Say it with feeling. "Let's mo-zay." Come on, try it!
Garland: (Cloud) Okay. "Let's mo-ZAY" or I'll break your heads.
> Cloud: I get the idea already!!!!!!
> Dav: Crap, and this is only the first part of the fic.
[CRASH!]
All: D'OH!
> (Cloud, Cait Sith, Vegeta, and Dav go upstairs)
> Cloud: (Sees Cid mopping up the spilled tequila) I see Cait's Friend got to
> the drinks again Tifa.
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Jim: Cait's Friend is proudly sponsored by Tequila makers of America. Buy Tequila wherever
it is sold. Tequila, man!
> Tifa: (Holding a 2X4 and is positioned to attack in case Cid started slacking)
> Yeah and this time it was Cid's fault!
> Cid: $%^#%&@#%&@#$%76@#%&@$%&@$%&@%&!!!!!!!!
Kirin: (Tifa) Stop pressing all those random keys at once, Cid! You'll break the computer!
> Vegeta: Anyway the TV just said that Vincent's attacking a city, so we're
> going to help him then stop him.
Adol: Because, you know, it's good to make a nice solid stand.
Jim: (sarcastic) Such kind superheroes. Maybe later they can poison all the animals in the zoo.
> Barret: Help him! You f**kin' crazy foo'!
> Cait Sith: He's attacking the Pokémon city.
> Cid: What the hell are we waiting for!? (Runs out and readies the Highwind)
Adol: Don't you love the sense of camaraderie when wanton and gratuitous violence is involved?
> Aeris: It's amazing how quickly he got it out of the quicksand.
> Tifa: Who's going to clean up the mess?!
> Dyne: No problem!
> (Steel and Steve enter)
Alexis: Yup! Add MORE self-inserts! Works like a charm!
Jim: Steel? Great. That's just what we need. Shaquille O'Neal and Steve Guttenburg.
Garland: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Jim: What?
Adol: You fool! Don't mention Steve Guttenburg in his presence. It frightens him.
> Steel: I am a sexual Care Bear. (Author's note: He actually said that in
> school!)
Ying: Still doesn't beat standing on the top of your chair and shouting 'I am a Warrior
Princess!'
Adol: I dunno...
Jim: When you're a guy.
Kirin: Well, then, that's just weird.
Garland: Anyway, I thought Care Bears were gay.
Adol: No, the Get-Along Gang was gay. Care Bears were more butch...
Alexis: Will you stop talking about fictional characters' sex lives?
Adol: Sorry.
> Red XIII: Uh yeah... that's nice...
> Steve: Yeah! Babes!
> Tifa/Aeris: Oh f**k!!!
> Steve: Baaaaaaabes! (Starts chasing Tifa and Aeris around)
Kirin: It's the Benny Hill plot device.
> Dav: (Trips Steve) Get busy and I might let you see some pictures of Lara
> Croft I found on the Net. (Hands him the mop)
> Steve: Babes! (Starts mopping)
Jim: Ew...what's he mopping up?
Garland: The spilled beer.
Jim: Oh. OH. Oops. Sorry.
(Alexis hits Jim.)
Jim: OW!
Alexis: I'm doing that out of principle.
> Tifa: Got a one-track mind, just like Cait's Friend.
Ying: (Tifa) Sadly, that track seems to be Barbara Streisand.
(rimshot)
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man.
> Steve: Babes.
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
> Steve: Babes!
> Cait's Friend: TEQUILA MAN!!!
> Steve: BABES!!!
Kirin (Man from Bud commercials) I know! Let's have both!
[He mimes hitting television with beer can. The screen goes snowy temporarily, then fades
back in on the same screen, but empty. The song, "Tequila" is playing. Then when it reaches
the word "tequila"...]
Babes: (rushing in) Tequila!
[The screen returns to normal.]
Adol: Never do that again.
Ying: Still, this is the most interesting dialogue so far.
Jim: Agreed.
> Steel: I'd better supervise this strange argument.
> Barret: You do that foo'.
> Cloud: Alright everyone, let's mosey.
> Red XIII: You never learn your lesson.
Garland: NEVER say mosey in a northern town.
> Cait/Barret/Dav/Vegeta/Steel: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp!
> Can't you say "move out!" or something!?
> Cloud: Go to hell! All of you!
Alexis: Yep, I have to admit that's an improvement.
> (AVALANCHE takes off in the Highwind while Steel, Steve, Cait's Friend, and
> Spanky stay in the Hq.
Garland: (Cloud) You can't come kos you have a stupid name.
Ying: (Spanky) WAAAAAAAAAAH!
> We'll come back to them later)
Kirin: Oh, don't do it on OUR behalf...
Adol: (Dyne) We're gonna come back kos I'M THE DAMN AUTHOR!
> (On the Highwind)
> Vegeta: Hey Aeris, you bored?
> Aeris: Yeah...
Jim: (Vegeta) Great! I found this board game in the park next to a statue. 'Jumanji' or
something...
> Vegeta: Then I can think of something for you to do.
> Aeris: Hell yeah! (Runs into their bedroom with Vegeta)
Ying: They're off for a game of competitive parcheesi.
Garland: Actually, I think they're...
Alexis: Are you sure you really want to say that? Think carefully about your response.
Garland: Well, you have to tell the truth sometimes. Be fair...
> Cloud: I'm bored.
> Tifa: What're you waiting for?! (Grabs Cloud and they run into their bedroom)
Jim: Shouldn't they wait to do that until their impending doom or something?
> Dav: Yes! (Calls to Barret, Cid, Red, and Cait) Hey guys, come over here!
All: (Barret, Cid, Red, and Cait) We aren't going to bed with you, ya pervert!
> Barret: Watchoo want foo'!
> Dav: I bugged their rooms, listen to this.
Ying: (Dav) Yeah, I bugged them. Their rooms are so annoyed with me now!
Adol: Uh...does Cid know about this?
Kirin: What, the bugs?
Adol: No, the rooms. They don't have any bedrooms on the Highwind.
> (Walks over to a section of the bridge and turns his system on)
Jim: In more ways than one, heh heh...
*WHACK*
Jim: OW!
Kirin: Warned you.
> Vegeta: The local train arrives on the hour.
> Aeris: In France the truffles are many.
> Dav/Barret/Cid/Red/Cait: HUH?!!
Garland: They must be translating Phantasy Star in there.
> Vegeta: Coffee can make one hyper.
> Aeris: Geometry would be easier if there are good teachers.
> Dav: They're on to us!
> Aeris: Over and out...
> Dav: I'll switch to the other room. (Flips another switch)
Ying: (Tifa) Qualitatively, the incidence of felonious activities only substantiates the
current theory of suburban revolt of the inner cities.
Adol: (Dav) D'oh!
> Tifa: Ohhhhh Cloud... ohhhh... (Makes pleasurable noises)
Kirin: Pleasurable noises?
Jim: Like David Duchovny getting hacked to death with a chainsaw?
Garland: "David Duchovny getting hacked to death with a chainsaw" is not what I'd consider
"pleasurable".
Alexis: I dunno. Say if it was Emo Phillips or Steve...
Garland: Don't say the G-word.
> Cloud: Harder baby! HARDER!!!
> Barret/Cid: Hell yeah!
Kirin: Final Fantasy VII script-fic cliche number 45: Tifa and Cloud are ALWAYS having sex.
> Crewman: Captain, we're receiving a transmission. I'll play it in the
> conference room.
> Cid: Wait a damn minute will ya?!
Ying: (Crewman) Sir, I'm sure they'll still be getting it on when you get back.
Adol: Cid must not be getting any from Shera.
*WHACK!*
Adol: OW!
Jim: Geez, lady, loosen up!
> Cait Sith: I think we've had enough, my circuits are overloading from
> excitement.
> Dav: (Shuts it off) Let's go!
> (Cid, Barret, Red XIII, Cait Sith, and Dav head for the conference room to
> receive the transmission while Aeris/Vegeta and Cloud/Tifa continue "having
> fun")
> Cid: Okay you f**king jokers, lemme see what ya got!
Jim: (Crewman) Pair of eights, sir.
Garland: (Cid) Ha! Have a flush!
Jim: (Crewman) Nuts.
> Crewman: Yes sir! (Opens the channel and Mike Nelson from Mystery Science
> Theatre 3000 appears)
Alexis: That's the Sci-Fi Channel, you moron!
> Dav: Mike?! Why are you contacting us?!
Jim: (Mike) Actually we were trying to dial out for pizza. Must've dialed a wrong number.
> Mike: Well Dr. Forrester suddenly disappeared and I'm still stuck on the
> Satellite of Love. But now someone else took over and now we're forced to read
> bad fanfics!
All: JOIN THE FRIGGIN' CLUB!
> Barret: Damn! That's evil.
> Cid: That's my line!
Adol: (Barret) Don' make me put my foot up yo' @$$.
Kirin: What's an @$$?
Garland: Shut up.
> Red XIII: Don't get started guys. Everyone's always stealing everyone else's
> lines these days.
> Dav: No s**t Sherlock.
> Red XIII: Hey, you stole that line from me!
> Dav: Well you stole it from Cait in the first place!
> Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock!
Ying: (flatly) I've lost all respect for that phrase.
> Cid: Back to the subject at hand.
> Mike: Thank you.
Kirin: (Cid) Panties, right?
Adol: (Mike) Erm...no.
Kirin: (Cid): Not interested then. *click*.
> Cait Sith: Do you know who this new... uh d**kweed is?
> Mike: Yeah! Her name is- (Transmission shorts out)
Alexis: Yeah! Her name is what? Her name is who? Her name's (chicka chicka) Slim Shady!
Ying: Wow, what great timing on that.
> Barret/Cid/Red/Cait/Dav: Her?!
> Barret: Seems instead of a foo', we got a b***h.
Garland: That's impossible! Bitches write good stories!
Alexis: Er-HEM!
Garland: Sorry. Forgot you were a bi-I mean, lady.
> Cid/Red/Dav/Cait: No s**t Sherlock!
> Barret: We still in the first half of the fic an already that line is
> overused!
[CRASH!]
Adol: You know a fic is in trouble when it begins to MiST itself.
Morgan: (over mike) You know a fic's in trouble if you have to do reconstructive maintenance
an eighth of the way through. Janitor, get the spackle!
> Dav: Anyway we've got to figure out who's trying to take over the world with
> bad fanfics.
Garland: David Gonterman!
Adol: I happen to like him, Garland...
Garland: Okay, Vince McMahon.
Kirin: Lessee, where to start? Dark Kirin, Dr. Forrester USENET edition, Mr. Nelson,
Judicator Aldaris...
Jim: How do you know about our Mads?
[Kirin merely smiles.]
> Red XIII: Waittaminute, the screen!
Alexis: (Red XIII) It's coming right for us! *BLAM!*
> TV: (Stops showing static and a girl appears)
> Cid: Who the f**k are you?!
> Girl: I am Sailor Moon! Champion of Justice!
Jim: (Cid) Dav! Did you change this to Toonami?
Adol: (Dav) C'mon! I saw that MST episode last week!
> Dav: Then why do you have meatballs in your hair?
Ying: I thought they looked like dumplings.
Garland: Because she is the tomato sauce on the spaghetti of evil!
> Cait Sith: Ha! Good one Dav!
> Sailor Moon: I am here to give you this warning. Do not interfere with my
> leader's plan to conquer the world! (Ends communication)
Adol: ...WHAT?!
Jim: Calm down...
Kirin: Not interfering in her plan to conquer the world? Well, since she asked nicely...
> Red XIII: We've got a problem here!
> Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock!
Alexis: Yep. We've got antific, ladies and gentlemen.
All: Yay.
> (On the Satellite of Love)
Jim: Where everybody knows your name and credit card number.
(general groans)
> Mike: Damn! I didn't get to warn 'em about who they're dealing with!
> Tom Servo: Don't worry about it Mike, at least we managed to get through to
> 'em.
Kirin: Which, considering the thickness of the characters' skulls in this fic, is a major
accomplishment.
> Crow: Yeah, and since this new maniac is a lot dumber than Forrester it's only
> a matter of time.
> Mike: Are you guys sure you don't want me to fly this thing again?
> Servo/Crow: Hell no!
> Mike: Oh come on! All I did last time was break the Hubbell!
All: o/~ Mike broke the Hubbell, Mike broke the Hubbell! o/~
> (Back on the Highwind)
Jim: Where nobody wants to know your name.
> Learner Pilot (Lvl. 12): Sir we've reached-
> Cid: If you say Midgar my spear goes right up your @$$!
Ying: This guy has an unhealthy obsession with spears up people's asses.
Kirin: That's @$$es.
Garland: Wait, is THAT what @$$es are? I'm disappointed.
> Pilot: Saffron City!
> Cid: Hot damn! Hey monkey man! Get the others out onto the deck!
> Barret: I pity da foo' who calls me a monkey man!
Adol: Monkey man? But they left Spanky back home!
Alexis: (Barret) I pity da foo' who relies on ethnic stereotypes to distinguish between
characters. I PITY DA FOO'!
> Cait Sith: Come on Barret! (Pushes him out)
Ying: (Barret) YAA-HOO HOO HOOOIE!!!!
Jim: (Cait Sith) Memo to self. Put chute on person FIRST before pushing out.
> Red XIII: Dav quick! Turn on the system!
> Dav: (Turns it on)
> Cait Sith: (Knocks on Cloud/Tifa's door) Get out here you two!
> Tifa: Ow! Hey! What are you doing?!
> Cloud: Sorry. You've got my shoulder guard on!
> Tifa: You're wearing my skirt!
Garland: (Cloud) My GOD! I'm wearing your implants too!
Adol: (sarcastic) Thank you for that mental image, Garland.
Garland: Glad I could help.
> Red XIII: Uh... shut it off.
> Dav: Good idea. (Turns it off)
Jim: Oh great. Now the plot's gonna stop now.
> (Five minutes later everyone is outside the Highwind)
Kirin: And falling quickly.
> Vegeta: Damn! Vincent's already done a bunch of damage.
Ying: (Vegeta) Why didn't he save US any?!
> Cloud: Be careful, there could be Pokémon anywhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! (Gets
> zapped by a lightning bolt)
Alexis: (Lancelot) No, no. It's "AAAAAUGH" from the back of the throat.
> Pikachu: Pikachu!
> Tifa: Oh f**k!!! It's Pikachu!
> Barret: Not for long! (Blow's Pikachu's @$$ away)
> Pikachu: Piiiiiiiikaaaaaaaaachuuuuuuuuu!!! (Dies)
Garland: There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded Pikachu.
Kirin: You know, Hibichi would love this fic.
Ying: Not fond of Pokemon?
Alexis: He's got mental scars from a Pokemon lemon he read on accident.
Ying: Eeek.
Kirin: Exactly.
> Vegeta: Well that was easy.
> Aeris: Wait, here comes another one!
> Red XIII: Holy crap! It's flying by farting!
(for some reason, Adol bursts into laughter. Garland stares at him.)
> (Thinks) Now that's my kind of transport.
> Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff!
> Dav: I'll handle this one. (Punches Jigglypuff and his fist gets stuck) OH
> F**K! It's sucking me in!
Adol: Note the sexual innuendo.
Garland: You can shut up.
Ying: Jigglypuff IS Kirby... but we could've told you that.
> Cait Sith: Didn't you use that line in Celebrity Deathmatch 3!
> Dav: How would anyone know?! No one's read Celebrity Deathmatch 3 yet!
> Cid: He's right.
[CRASH!]
Kirin: I ain't cleaning that up.
> Dav: (Sees a shard of glass next to his foot) Here we go! (Picks it up with
> his free hand and jabs Jigglypuff)
> Jigglypuff: (Pops)
Jim: Why, thank you, Jigglypuff, I would like a pop!
Alexis: Jigglypuff Pops! Now THERE'S something they haven't merchandised yet.
Kirin: Don't give them any ideas.
> Dav: That takes care of her!
> Barret: That was coo' foo'.
> Cloud: We'd better find Vincent.
(pause. Then Adol snaps his fingers.)
Adol: Oh YEAH! Vincent is supposed to be here.
All: Oh.
> (In another part of the city)
> Vincent: I am CHAOS! I am your worst nightmare!
Garland: (Vince) I am retainer to the King of Doma!
> A bunch of Pokémon: (Rush in)
Ying: Ah, Pokemon rush in where fools fear to tread.
> Vincent: Don't make me laugh! SATAN SLAM! (Instantly kills the Pokémon) I will
> destroy this gay city! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Alexis: Wot ho! Wot a gay city! Isn't it grand, ol' chum?
Kirin: Oh, it's just ducky!
> Cloud: Hey Vince!
> Vincent: Huh? Oh it's you. (Reverts back into a human) You missed most of the
> party.
> Cait Sith: Yeah, we noticed.
Adol: (C.S.) Any punch left?
> Dav: And we took care of the two worst for you.
> Vegeta: I thought you were working on destroying Hyrule?
> Aeris: Did you finish already?
> Vincent: That dips**t Link kicked me out of there before I could inflict any
> serious damage!
Alexis: (Vincent) Damn that man for protecting his kingdom!
Jim: (Vincent) Damn noble people trying to be nice and help out everyone else! It makes
me sick!
> Cid: Whatever happened to that fairy boy anyway?
Ying: (Vincent) He flittered off into the night. Last I heard, he was collecting teeth.
> (To answer Cid's question)
> (In Zora's Domain)
> Ruto: (Chasing Link) Come here! I'm going to catch you and then you'll marry
> me!
Garland: Goodness. Link seems to be turning into Ranma.
> Link: Damn! Not even the Triforce of Courage could prepare me for this! Zelda
> where are you?!
> (In Zora's Fountain)
Kirin: What is it, Narrator? Zelda fell down the well?
> Zelda (Wrapped in chains on Lord Jabu-Jabu's altar): Does this answer your
> question?!
Adol: Was the question something like "Who wants to see a bondage scene"?
> Jabu-Jabu: (Surfaces) Ah! Lunch! The Zoras are doing well! (Inhales Zelda)
> Zelda: I regret nothing! (Gets eaten alive)
Jim: Well. Not exactly the way Miyamoto intended the franchise to go, but a satisfying
ending nonetheless.
> (Back to AVALANCHE)
Alexis: (rolls eyes) If you INSIST!
> Barret: Anyway foo', what da hell were you doin' for the past two weeks?
> Vincent: After Link managed to kick me out of Hyrule...
> (Vincent tells the story of how he ended up in Saffron City.)
Kirin: It was a long one, involving two bananas, a calculator, and a six-pack of beer.
> (Meanwhile)
Jim: (Elsewhere)
Kirin: (Concurrently)
Adol: (Simultaneously)
Alexis: (At that moment)
Ying: (In the meantime)
Garland: (In yet ANOTHER plot arc)
> Serena: You wished to see me oh great leader?
> Leader: (Sitting in a chair with its back turned to Serena) Yes, I want you to
> go to Saffron and destroy the AVALANCHE team.
Ying: (Mistress) And remember, destroyed does NOT mean tickle!
> Serena: But Mistress, your orders were to only prevent then if they hindered
> your plans to conquer the world.
> Leader: No "buts" Serena!
Alexis: (Serena) But...
Jim: (Leader) NO!
> Take the girls and go! Stopping them now will prevent them anyway and I'll
> also have my revenge!
Adol: (Leader) I'll also have fries! And a milkshake! And I'll SUPER SIZE IT!
Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
> Serena: Yes Mistress... (Walks out)
> Leader: Soon they will all pay... And once I have discovered the correct
> experiment then I will rule the world! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...
> (Breathes)hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
Garland: (bitterly) It's not THAT funny.
> (In the next room)
> Serena: Come on girls, we've got a mission to fulfill for the mistress.
Ying: There's a million things I could do with that line, but I'd better not for the sake of
what little chance of a G rating we have left.
Kirin: Not to mention our aspirin supply.
> Amy: Oh come on! I'm in the middle of a really good chapter!
> Mina: Yeah, Lita and I were discussing who's cuter. Brad Pitt or Leonardo
> DiCaprio.
Garland: (Valley girl) That is, like, soooooo 1997, girl. Practically pre-cambrian!
> Author's Note: Dirty b***h!!!
Alexis: Well if it's a dirty bunch, then just wash them off in the sink!
Kirin: Yes yes, we've used that joke before...
Jim: Yeah, like you couldn't have edited that out.
> Lita: Did you hear something?
> Raye: No.
> Serena: Will you get off your lazy @$$es and come with me?!
> Girls: Fine...
> Serena: Good. MOON PRISM POWER!!!
> Amy: MERCURY STAR POWER!!!
Garland: CADILLAC NORTH STAR POWER!!!
Kirin: ELF ANNOYANCE POWER!!!
Adol: SELSUN STAR POWER!!!
Alexis: EX-SUPERHEROINE SONG-RIFF POWER!!!
> (And so on... each girl goes through a two-hour transformation and turns into
> their designated Scout)
Ying: Say, he's figured this transformation thing out.
> Sailor Moon: Ready?
> Scouts: Yes.
> Sailor Moon: Then let's go!
> Scouts: Damn! Again? Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "move out"
> or something?!
Adol: (Sailor Moon) You want me to say "Let's mosey?" IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!?
> Sailor Moon: All of you have been reading too many fanfics by Dyne and Dave!
> Dyne: Damn right!
Kirin: Blatant plug alert!
[CRASH!]
Ying: See? I told you they were really pitiful superheroes...
> Sailor Moon: Now come on! (They fly out)
> Sailor Mars: Hey! Let's sing on the way there.
> Sailor Jupiter: How about you shove it?!
> Sailor Mars: Fine, the song is for later anyway.
Alexis: Why would they be so desperate to sing 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat?'
> (The Sailor Scouts fly on to Saffron City where AVALANCHE is still talking)
Garland: (Vincent) And then my underwear exploded, decimating the remaining Zentradi forces.
> Cloud: So you started in Hyrule, attacked the Mushroom Kingdom, then you
> destroyed the Great Fox and finished up here?
> Vincent: Yep.
Jim: (Cloud) Was that before or after you killed the Taco Bell dog?
> Tifa: Wow good job.
Alexis: (Tifa) Way to destroy the entire Nintendo video game library! We're supposed to be
the heroes, but we congratulate you on your random carnage!
Ying: (Looking around) Was there a Sony Seal of Approval on this fic or did I miss it?
> Cait Sith: It took you two hours to figure it all out Cloud. That's a record.
> Cloud: Shut up!
> Vincent: You should've heard Mario and Luigi scream for their lives with those
> stupid @$$ Italian accents.
Adol: (Vincent) Remember, kids, if someone is different looking or sounding, then they should
die! Thank you!
> Cait Sith: Uh oh... Guys! I'm picking up something headed this way, FAST!
Kirin: Something STUPID this way comes.
Garland: It's flying by farting too!
> Cid: The hell is this?
> Red XIII: Since when did you have built-in radar?
Jim: (Dyne) He just DOES, okay?
> Cait Sith: I always did, you just never asked.
All: Wah-wah-wah-WAAAAAAAAAH...
Ying: He must have a built in plot device, too.
> Sailor Moon: There they are! Down there!
> Dav: Don't look now guys, it's meatball head!
Kirin and Alexis: That's ODANGO HEAD!
> Sailor Moon: I am Sailor Moon! The Champion of Justice!
> Cid/Barret/Cait/Dav/Red: (Sounding bored) You told us already!
> Sailor Moon: I know. I was telling them. (Points to Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta, and
> Aeris)
Garland: So Sailor Moon's anal retentive, then.
> Sailor Venus: Um... Sailor Moon? Can we do our lines now?
> Sailor Moon (Sounding pissed): Fine. Go ahead.
> Sailor Venus: By the power of Venus! I am Sailor Venus!
> Sailor Mars: In the name of Mars! I am Sailor Mars!
> Sailor Jupiter: Through the strength of Jupiter! I am
Adol: Telly Savalas.
> Sailor Jupiter!
Adol: Well darn.
> Sailor Mercury: Guided by the wisdom of Mercury! I am Sailor Mercury!
> Dav: And pretty damn hot too!
> AVALANCHE: DAV!!!
Alexis: Of all the ones he could have chosen, he picks Mercury? [pause] That's actually...
kind of in good taste.
Kirin: You're just saying that because she's the smart one.
Alexis: Your point being?
> Dav: Sorry...
> Sailor Mercury: (Thinking) He's not so bad either.
Ying [Sailor Mercury]: I feel this undeniable strong attraction to him-oh, God, I'm in a
fanfic, aren't I?
> Cloud: Ha! While they were doing those crappy lines they didn't even notice we
> got all of our weapons out!
All [AVALANCHE]: HUZZAH!
> Sailor Scouts: We are the Sailor Scouts! The true Champions of Justice!
> Dav: Well I'm the champion of my JUSTICE-SLASH!!! (Hits Sailor Moon with it)
Adol: Snappy comeback.
> Sailor Moon: (Somehow surviving) Um...ow. Attack! (The scouts split up)
Kirin: (darkly) Literally. BWA HA HA HA!
Garland: (Sailor Moon) Nonononono! ATTACK!
> Dav: (Completely shocked) She survived?! But how?!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Uh... Vegeta? Do you have your scouters with you?
Ying: (Vegeta) Yep! I've got two first class, three tenderfoot, and a star.
Jim: (Cait Sith) SCOUTERS, you nimrod!
Ying: (Vegeta) I never use Scouters on a first date.
> Vegeta: Yeah. (Puts 'em on) Holy s**t! These school girls have power levels of
> 5000!
Adol: Daaaaaaaang. Schoolgirls are getting more powerful every year.
> Barret: Who cares?! We gonna kick @$$ like we always do! (Opens fire)
> Sailor Mercury: MERCURY ICE BUBBLES BLAST!!! (Freezes Barret)
Garland: (Don Ho) Tiny bubbles...in the wine!
Alexis: Hey! This champagne's not Korbel!
(pause)
Garland: (Don Ho) Great big bubbles. Big artificial, disgusting bubbles.
> Barret: Sh't!
> Sailor Moon: (Recovered) Now to finish him! (Starts waving her Moon Wand)
Adol: NOT THE WAND! NOT THE WAND!
Kirin: (Sailor Moon) Poof! Now you're a real boy!
> Cid: I don't think so b***h! (Steals the wand and shoves his cigarette up
> Sailor Moon's
All: NO!
> nose)
Garland: Oh. That's okay.
Ying: NO IT ISN'T!
> Sailor Moon: Ow! Crap! (Tries to get the cigarette out)
Kirin: Unfortunately it burned its way into her skull and killed her. The end.
Alexis: That's just wrong, Kirin.
> Cid: (Throws the wand and hits Sailor Moon again)
> Sailor Moon: (Falls into unconsciousness)
Garland: Opposed to what?
Adol: Cottage cheese for one. I hate that stuff.
> Tifa: Eat this b***h! (Uppercuts Sailor Mars in the jaw)
Alexis: (Tifa) These grapes are especially -- mmph!
Kirin: (covering Alexis's mouth) That's it. Moratorium on "b***h" jokes.
> Sailor Mars: AAAAHHHH!!! You'll regret that! MARS FIRE IGNITE!!!
> Tifa: (Dodges and the fire thaws Barret)
> Sailor Mars: Ah crap! (Continues fighting Tifa)
Adol: I'm getting a drink, guys.
Jim: Get me some Sour Patch Kids while you're up.
(Adol leaves)
> Sailor Venus: (Fighting Cait Sith and Vincent) Sailor V is for Victory!
Garland: (singing) Vic-tor-eee!
Others: (singing) Instinct over intellect!
Garland: (singing) Vic-tor-eee!
Others: (singing) It erupts from deep inside!
All: (singing) History! History is laughing at us, all in the...
(pause)
Garland: Damn. Forgot the rest of the words.
> Cait Sith: (Speaking like Darth Vader) Well I am the Sith! Cait Sith! Get her,
> moogle!
> Moogle: (Hops toward Sailor Venus)
> Sailor Venus: VENUS CRESCENT BEAM SMASH!!! (Blows the moogle away)
Yang and Jim: WHOOOOOAAA!
Alexis: NOT THAT KIND OF BLOW! GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!
> Cait Sith: My moogle! You destroyed my moogle!!! EAT THIS!!! (Tosses her one
> of Vincent's tarts)
Adol: (Vince) Lucretia, NO!
> Sailor Venus: Oh thank you, I was getting hungry. (Eats it) Blech!!! (Ralphs)
> That was terrible!
Alexis: I agree!
Kirin: HEY! It wasn't THAT bad of a joke!
> Vincent: NOBODY INSULTS MY TARTS!!! (Turns into Hellsmasker and chases Sailor
> Venus around while laughing maniacally)
> Sailor Venus: I know I've always wanted a man to chase after me but this is
> too much!
Jim: (Venus) Especially since he's a hell demon out to kill me! Ha ha! Get it?
> Aeris: (Fighting Sailor Jupiter with Vegeta and Red XIII)
Ying: Okay, three against the attractive one. Now that's real unfair here.
Garland: That's something the Guild's gonna have to investigate.
> DIE! (Whacks Sailor Jupiter in the stomach with her staff)
> Sailor Jupiter: (Bends over holding her stomach)
> Red XIII: (Looks up Sailor Jupiter's skirt and sniffs her @$$)
Kirin: RIGHT! I'm leaving! (he gets up.)
(Adol comes back in.)
Adol: Hey guys. Got sour patch kids and cookie dough balls.
Kirin: Well, I could handle this for a LITTLE longer. (sits down)
> Vegeta: Red! That's disgusting!
> Red XIII: Sorry, it's the dog in me...
Garland: (Red XIII) I just wanted to be canine for one brief shining moment!
Is that so WRONG?!?
Jim: (Vegeta) Red...wh, Red! Stop piddling on the fire hydrant! We have to fight!
> Cloud: (Taking on Sailor Mercury with Dav) Ready Dav?
> Dav: I don't know about this Cloud.
Alexis: (Dav) Looks like thunder. So does that Cloud and that Cloud and --
Kirin: ENOUGH ALREADY!
> Cloud: Don't go ga-ga over the enemy Dav!
> Dav: Hey you do it all the time!
> Cloud: Well yeah but...
Adol: They're usually legal age.
> Sailor Mercury: Ha! (Kicks Cloud in the nuts and punches Dav in the stomach)
> Cloud (High-pitched voice): AH! Maximum suckage!
> Dav: (Thinking) Not bad...
Kirin: Not good, either.
Ying: Dav wants to get kicked in the balls too?
> Cid: Die b***h! (About to run his spear through Sailor Moon's head when
Jim: The author suffers a fatal heart attack, and the terrible Black Beast of Aaugh faded
into nothingness...
> a rose comes flying out of nowhere, hits him and knocks him across the city.)
> Cid: F**k! That's a pretty f**kin' powerful rose!
Alexis: It's his own special species of rose. The Whack-em Red.
Garland: They ought to have five day waiting periods on those things!
Adol: Yeah, what'll happen if a rose gets into the wrong hands? What about the children?
> Tuxedo Mask: (Appears) We must withdrawal! (Picks Sailor Moon up and
> disappears)
Ying: 'We must withdrawal?'
Jim: But only in small bills.
> Sailor Mars (Getting the s**t beaten out of her by Tifa): Good idea! (Trips
> Tifa and flies away)
Kirin: So Sailor Mars is getting the crap beaten out of her, and all she needed to do to get
Tifa to stop was to trip her?
Adol: Yup. Mars is not exactly the brightest flash bulb in the package, is she?
> Sailor Jupiter: Next time you won't be so lucky! (Flies away)
> Sailor Venus: This is only the beginning! (Flies away right before Vincent is
> about to cut her in half)
Jim: We had to read twenty frickin' pages before we're told that?!?
Garland: This process continues for the next few pages until we reach Dav's love interest.
> Sailor Mercury: (Knocks Cloud and Dav over again) I'll see you later! (Looks
> toward Dav and flies away)
> Cloud: Ha! We won!
> Everyone: (Does his/her victory dance)
Jim [Monotone]: Group finds 1150 gil. DAV gains a level! BARRET gains a level! BARRET
learned MINDBLOW!
Adol: I miss doing that.
Garland: Yeah, made being a hero worthwhile.
Adol: Garland, you never had a victory dance.
Garland: I did too! Just never got to use it because of those damn light warriors.
Alexis: Why am I picturing Snoopy on the piano?
Garland: I don't dance like Snoopy.
Adol: You have the rhythm of a dead white man, Garland.
Garland: I hate you.
> Dav: (Thinking) Yeah, but why couldn't I attack her?
Adol: (Dyne) Kos I'm the...no wait.
> Barret: Come on foo's! We'd bettah get back to Midgar an' plan a strategy!
Kirin: Wow. He switched accents about three times there.
> Aeris: Woah! Barret actually thinking before a fight?! That's a new one.
Ying: (Barret) Whoa! Aerith being insulting and abusive? That's a new one!
> (They board the Highwind and leave Saffron City still smoking)
Jim: You know, smoking is a bad habit.
Kirin: So are fics like these. Break time?
Adol: Yeah. My head's aching.
(they leave)
[Switching to story mode]
Meanwhile, as the group enjoyed a short and rather needed intermission, CEO Nwabudike Morgan
was busy flipping through a book poignantly called "Evil Mystery Theater Operation for
Dummies". By the time of the intermission, he had read to chapter five, "Torturing your
Experiments Between Breaks."
"It is well known among mad scientists," Morgan read aloud, "that the best way to drive a
subject mad is to give unexpected changes or requirements to their viewing protocol. Do so
often and without warning, and refer to your experiments with humiliating nicknames." He
nodded and flipped the page. "Above all, inspire fear in your subjects. A disrespectful
group is nature's way of saying you have not worked hard enough."
At this point, Morgan heard a melodious beep, signaling the return of the group to the lobby.
"On screen," Morgan said, and a video monitor flickered on, showing the group relaxing,
squeezing out the bad memories of this movie.
"Put the screen down," Morgan smiled. "It's time for my...pep talk."
Kirin filled up another bag of popcorn and sat down with the others at the tables Morgan had
thoughtfully added to the theater. "I can tell you one thing," Kirin said, "nothing beats the
taste of butter flavored popcorn."
"Yeah." Garland sipped some cola. "Rather buttery."
The group nodded in approval. A few minutes later, the monitor lowered, and the face of
Morgan sneered at them.
"Hey!" Ying said happily. "The new Mad wants to join us."
"No, thank you," Morgan smiled as evilly as he could. "I just like to watch you vermin writhe
in pain with the memories ingrained in your brain." He paused to hear the group's reaction.
"You know, it's nice of you to keep tabs on us to see if we're okay," Jim replied happily.
"Mister Nelson never really put forth the effort."
Morgan was taken slightly aback. "Er...nice? Did you pieces of refuse call me nice? I'm
gloating at your misery, sucking you dry, leaving dried husks of what used to be discernable
life..."
"He's pretty poetic too, Jim," Kirin noted as he ate another handful of popcorn.
"Yes," Garland said kindly. "By the way, Morgie. Thanks for all the popcorn stuff. It's real
rich and buttery."
"B-buttered popcorn?" Morgan stammered. The monitor faced the popcorn popper on the
concessions stand. He then gave a cold stare to the group. "Excuse me. It looks like one of
my scions has some explaining to do." The monitor flicked off and retracted to the ceiling.
"Gosh, that's pretty thoughtful of him," Adol mused a few seconds later.
"What is?" Alexis asked, hoovering the bottom of her Coke with a straw.
"His concern with the minions. I mean, let's compare." Adol set his popcorn aside.
"Normally, the Mad shows very little respect to his assistants. Sometimes he rarely talks to
them for days. It's a thankless job."
"Reasonable assumption there, Adol," Garland agreed. "I know Aldy treats his associates with
short shrift. Honestly can't see why anyone would work under him."
The group thought about this.
"You know," Kirin concluded, "not only is Morgan a great guy, he's a nice employer."
"Bet he gives benefits packages," Ying added.
Then, suddenly, three large probes floated down from the ceiling and, to the group's confusion,
quickly started to dismantle the popcorn maker.
"Hey..." Kirin protested.
"What's the deal?" Jim demanded.
The calm face of CEO Morgan floated back down on the screen. "I'm just correcting a small
error," he explained. "I specifically told the builders not to install any popcorn machines,
and they went and did it anyway. Just to let you know, I had them sacked, and I am removing
this rather redundant luxury." Morgan smiled. "I hope you can go through the experiment
without popcorn."
Morgan waited a while to hear the shrieks and cries of protest, but after the initial outburst,
none came. The group seemed to think about this new development. Then, one spoke.
"That's actually good thinking."
There were a few murmurs of agreement.
Morgan couldn't believe his ears. "B-but aren't you going to protest?" he said.
"Protest what?" Garland explained. "Protest that your builders disobeyed a direct order? Hey,
if I was in your position, I would have them killed, let alone laid off."
"And besides," Adol shrugged, "popcorn with butter is bad for you."
"It is."
"Of course."
"Clogs the arteries."
"I'm so happy you look after our well-being," Alexis replied, fluttering her eyelashes. "If
you weren't an evil man, I'd probably want to date you."
Morgan opened his mouth, then closed it. Then shook his head. "Aw, just go into the theater."
"Theater?" Jim said. "But break isn't finished..."
"It is now!" Morgan yelled. "Get down there now!" Then the screen flickered off.
"Hmm. Morgan didn't want us to relax much," Ying commented. "He doesn't want to go into story
shock when we get back in there."
"Very caring of him," Garland commented as they walked back into the theater.
[switching to script mode]
Kirin: Yeah, he makes a hell of a lot better Mad than Bodger did.
Alexis: Almost...sincere.
Garland: Yeah. We should do this more often.
[switching to theater mode]
> (Meanwhile the scouts are talking on the way back to their base.)
Jim: (Sailor Jupiter) We REALLY need a new agent.
Ying: (Sailor Mercury) I don't know. I think some of those guys liked getting kicked in the
balls.
Kirin: (Sailor Mars) Yeah, some of the girls even looked envious.
Adol: (Sailor Venus) I think that's just short skirt envy.
> Sailor Venus: It was really too bad that we have to fight some really
> good looking guys.
Ying: Aww, she has a crush on Red XIII.
Alexis: BLEAH! 'Quest For Aeris' flashbacks!
All: BLEAH!
> Sailor Mercury: Well I don't care if you three start chasing any of
> 'em... but Dav is mine! Oops...
> Scouts: HUH?!
> Sailor Mars: This is something new. We've never seen Sailor Mercury
> chase after any guy before.
Jim: Yeah, we all thought she was a les...
Garland: NO!
> Sailor Mercury: (Blushes) Uh... well... I think he likes me...
> Scouts: We're in trouble!
Adol: Tell us about it. Falling in love with a self-inserted character is one step away from
insanity.
> Sailor Jupiter: Well if you ever get distracted by him in battle then
> you'll have to confront the Mistress.
Ying: (Sailor Jupiter) Since you are the only competent one, we may as well forfeit now.
> Sailor Mercury: Oh... poopy.
Kirin: The amount of excrement in this fanfic is astounding.
Garland: Not surprising, though.
> (At the AVALANCHE Hq.)
Adol: We are exposed to the frivolity of life or more drunk jokes. Whichever comes first.
> Steel: Well that takes care of the mopping. How about a game of
> Goldeneye, Spanky?
Ying: (Steel) But I will beat you up if you even mention another free throw contest.
> Steve's guarding the bar and what's left of the drinks.
Garland: (Steve) So you want me to stay here and make sure nobody gets to the drinks except
Cait's Friend.
Alexis: (Spanky) No! Don't let him anywhere near here!
Garland: (Steve) Oh. Okay, so you want me to stay here and give the drinks to anyone but
Cait's Friend.
Alexis: (Spanky) NO! Kill anyone who tries to get the drinks until Tifa gets back.
Garland: (Steve) Oh, right! So leave here and kill Tifa as soon as she gets back!
Alexis: (Spanky) ...you're not getting this, are you?
Garland: (Steve) How about if I just assault Tifa? Will that work?
> Spanky: All right. Time I practiced some head shots!
> (They go downstairs and see Steve on the computer)
> Steve: Babes!
Kirin: He's playing Dead or Alive 2 again.
> Steel: Oh crap! If Steve's down here then Cait's Friend is...
Jim: In the kitchen with Dinah! Oh no!
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Goes on another drinking rampage)
> Steel/Spanky: F**K!!! (Head upstairs to see that the rest of the
> drinks are gone)
Adol: You know, I'm really starting to hate alcoholics.
Alexis: Filthy creatures.
> Spanky: This is just perfect! Tifa's going to kill us!
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
> Reno: (Runs in) Hey! You didn't leave me any!
> Steel: (Kicks Reno out again)
Garland: Thus endeth another pointless cameo.
Ying: (Steel) And don't you dare kill us all and then blame it on a cult!
> We'd better get busy and get rid of these bottles before-
>(Hears the Highwind land and the team enters)
> Spanky: We're screwed!!!
> Tifa: Damn right you %^&%^(&*)$^(%&)^&*#%&)&_($^&)&^*$%*$%^&$%*$%^&$^*
> $%^&!!!!!!!!!
Kirin: You unintelligible line of symbols?
Alexis: Maybe it's foreign.
> Red XIII: Damn, Tifa pulled a Cid!
Garland: She might need surgery.
Jim: From what we've learned about him, I don't think you'd even want to touch Cid.
> Barret: Come on foo's! We're startin' the meetin'!
> (Everyone but Steel and Spanky head downstairs)
Kirin: Thus left to their own devices, Steel and Spanky ran off and were never seen again.
And there was much rejoicing.
All: (weakly) Yay.
> (Back at the Sailor Scouts' base they've all reverted to their normal form
Adol: The Sailor Scouts like the whole grain wheat, but their normal forms like the creamy
filling!
Alexis: Er-hem.
Adol: What? That wasn't supposed to be suggestive.
> and Serena has regained consciousness)
> Serena: So Amy, I hear you like one of the enemy.
Jim: Gyra famous on Amy?
Ying (Amy) No, I was misquoted. I meant to say PUBLIC Enemy.
> Amy: It's not true!
> Raye: Haven't you ever heard about that river in Egypt? De Nile?
(groans)
Kirin: If you're going to recycle crappy Sailor Moon puns, at least set them up properly!
> Amy: You've used that line before!
> Lita: Well if we're going to defeat them next time we'll need some help.
Alexis: Like competence or a plot hole.
Adol: They'll need...UN support!
[ominous chord]
> Mina: You mean the others?
Jim: Sorry, but that was cancelled by NBC in 1999.
Ying: And Buckeroo Banzai is busy.
Kirin: And Ranma is saving Akane again.
Alexis: And Bodger is busy being a schmoe.
Adol: I'm free! I'm free! I'll help!
Garland: You do and I'll never talk to you again.
> Serena: Lita's right, I'll call 'em now. (Walks over to the phone)
Jim: Uh oh. She'll be stuck there for hours.
Alexis: HEY!
Kirin: She's a feminist too.
Jim: Oh, GREAT.
> (Back at the AVALANCHE Hq.)
> Vegeta: If we're going to kick these school girls' @$$es we have to
> analyze their powers and figure out how we can use it them to our advantage.
(Ying dissolves into laughter.)
Garland: He was being serious, Ying.
Ying: He was?
> Cait's Friend: Fejita man!
> Vegeta: Quiet, you!
> Red XIII: I agree with Vegeta, these definitely aren't ordinary school
> girls.
Adol: No s**t, Sherlock.
Alexis: Don't do that.
> Dav: Well Mike said that their leader is a b***h, but meatball head
> isn't their top leader, then someone else must've taken over.
Kirin: And Anne Heche's reign of terror continues.
> Cloud: And Mr. Cole here needs to keep his mind on the battle and not
> on Sailor Mercury!
Jim: Remember, Dav, whenever you touch a woman, the saints cry.
> Dav: Shut up! It's over and done with! She's completely out of my mind
> now!
Garland: (Cid) Yeah, keep your mind on the other short-skirted enemies.
Adol: (Dav) Crap! It's back in my mind again!
> Cid: See that it stays that way!
> Aeris: Leave him alone Cid! He's just like we all were at his age!
Kirin: (Cid) I hope I didn't smell that bad.
Alexis: (Aeris) You did.
> Dav: Thank you.
> Cait Sith: Now we'd better get a little help for this.
Adol: Yes! Bring on the Dancing Itos!
[ominous chord]
Adol: Garland, STOP that!
Garland: Sorry. (He puts away his synthesizer)
> Cloud: Good idea. (Takes out his PHS and makes a call)
> Vegeta: I'll be right back with Kakaraught. He might be able to help.
> (Flies out)
Adol: No thanks. We aren't in the mood for Thai food, Vegeta.
Ying: I think he was talking about Goku from DBZ.
Adol: Then why didn't he just say Goku?
Garland: Cause Dyne's the damn author, that's why.
Adol: Okay.
> Tifa: I wish he wouldn't fly through the wall.
> Barret: You guys think we could get dat foo' Link back here?
Alexis: Lessee... so they call him a fairy, try to devastate his world, then decide to bring
him in to help him out. Ladies and gentlemen, logic has left the building.
Ying: Not to be rude, but logic wasn't IN the building to begin with.
> Vincent: Probably not. The last time I saw him that nude fish lady was
> chasing him.
> Red XIII: Poor guy.
Jim: Oh, I dunno. Nude ladies, chasing you...doesn't sound too bad to me.
> Cid: Damn that's evil. Hey! I used my own line!
> All: No s**t Sherlock!
All: AAAARRRRRRRGGGHHH!!!
Adol: It's the least funny running gag EVER!
> Steel: (Comes downstairs) I can fight, and I never get to in these fics.
> Spanky: (Comes downstairs) Yeah, I've never got to fight either.
> Cait Sith: You only appeared in Dyne's last fic!
[CRASH!]
[The screen becomes reflective, as if on a computer monitor.]
Kirin: Well, that's done it.
Alexis: Think it'll take long to fix that?
Morgan: (over mike) Luckily for you, I have a spare.
[Suddenly, another screen, made of a special type of metal, lowers down.]
Morgan: (over mike) Enjoy.
> Spanky: Well... I've still never fought.
> Dav: All right, you guys can come.
> Steve: Babes!
Adol: ...in Arms?
> Dav: Not you!
> Steve: Babes...
Adol: ... in Toyland?
> Aeris: Two of us have to stay to watch Steve and Cait's Friend.
Jim: Seeing as how that worked so well last time...
Garland: Just get some random characters from Tenchi Muyo. We don't care.
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Jim: Far be it from me to stereotype, but I think this fic's going to end with Cait's Friend
giving a long and somber speech about how drinking has ruined his and his loved ones' lives.
Kirin: Or he'll probably just say "Tequila man!"
Jim: That too.
> Cloud: (Hangs up) I just talked to Fei and Bart, they're on their way.
Ying: So now they're crossing over Xenogears as well?
Alexis: Fantastic. More characters acting OOC. I need a drink.
Adol: Will Surge do?
Alexis and Kirin: NO!
Adol: Geez, I was just asking...
> Tifa: Good, we need all the help we can get since we cut that last
> battle really close.
> Cid: Damn right! I couldn't breathe after I shoved my cigarette up the
> b***he's nose!
Garland: B***he?
Alexis: Blithe Spirit! I LOVE that play!
> And I didn't have time to light another one!
> Red XIII: But our main problem is when and where we're going to meet
> them again.
> Cait Sith: Try saying that five times fast.
Jim: I'm sorry, but my lawyers don't think that is a good idea.
> (Vegeta and Goku come crashing through the ceiling)
> Goku: We are here!
> Tifa (Extremely pissed): EEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!! You bastards had
> better repair my bar before I rip your d**ks off and shove 'em up YOUR
> noses!
(Group winces)
Kirin: I'll bet she'd do it too if someone thought it was funny.
> Vegeta: Yes ma'am. Come on Kakaraught!
>(They repair the damage instantly)
> Vincent: By the way, did anyone volunteer to stay with Steve and
> Cait's Friend?
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Adol: How about you guys just kill them?
> Cait Sith: I'll stay, he is my friend after all.
Garland: That's not something I would've admitted.
Ying: (Cait) And he did name himself after me.
> Dav: I'll remain here as well, I don't want to mess up the battle for
> you guys again.
> Everyone: (Completely shocked that Dav doesn't want to fight)
Alexis: So normally Dav is a bloodthirsty maniac?
Jim: He's a caring, sensitive type of SI.
[Commercial]
_____________________________
This program brought to you with no charge.
Thank you Vinton Cerf for TCP/IP protocals.
_____________________________
[Back]
> (Back at the Scouts' base they've all powered-up and are awaiting
> orders)
>Sailor Moon: What are our new orders, Mistress?
Ying: Oooh... is this gonna turn into a Sailor Moon lemon?
Kirin: You wish.
Adol: I don't.
> Leader: I want you to attack Midgar, that is where their hideout is.
> Sailor Saturn: But Mistress, the Shinra army may attack us as well.
> Sailor Mercury: It would be pretty tough for any one of us to destroy
> a whole army.
Jim [Sailor Mercury]: Hell, it's pretty tough for us to beat up a bunch of swearing perverts.
> Leader: I have already anticipated that. Take this with you! (Tosses
> Sailor Moon a package) If the Shinra attacks drop this in front of
> them, it will kill them instantly!
Garland: It's a bomb?
Kirin: Can't be THAT simple.
> Sailor Pluto: Shouldn't we use it against AVALANCHE?
> Leader: No, they're all immune to it, I've tried it already.
Ying: (Leader) Yes, I've tried already. I HAVE ALREADY TRIED. I WILL NOT TRY AGAIN. IT WILL
NOT WORK.
> Sailor Moon: Fine then, let's go girls!
> Sailor Uranus: Oh come on! Sailor Neptune and I were just getting
> started!
> Sailor Neptune: Yeah, we never get to have any fun!
Adol: (sweatdrop) Yeah, okay. Thank god Dyne's using the script style story format right now.
> Leader: Get out of here you f**king lesbos! You're as bad as the
> Gerudos were! (They leave)
Garland: You don't think that's a HINT, do you?
Alexis: Yeah, well it would HELP if we'd...
All: (tired) ...actually took the time to actually READ the other stories.
(pause)
Garland: So any large group of women are automatically considered lesbians here?
Kirin: Poor Dav when he finds about Sailor Mercury...
Jim: Are you kidding? He's going to love it!
Alexis: One more word outta you...
Adol: Cool it.
> Leader: (Thinking) After tracing AVALANCHE for weeks I was able to
> watch what all of them have done. And now it has become their
> weakness.
Garland: Uh...yeah.
> (The Sailor Scouts fly away again and soon reach Midgar. They commence
> their attack.)
Ying: (sarcastically) How very exciting.
> (In the Shinra building)
> Heidegger: Gya ha ha! Mr. President, we're under attack! Gya ha ha!
Kirin: (Heidegger) It's fun getting our asses kicked! Gya ha ha!
Adol: No, it's Gya ha HA!
Kirin: Ha HA?
Adol: Yeah, that's it.
Garland: Heidegger played by Norm Macdonald.
> Rufus: Heidegger if you don't stop that f**kin' horse laugh I'll take
> a shot up your @$$!
Jim: I prefer a shot on the rocks personally, but hey...
> Scarlet: Kya ha ha! Do it to me Mr. President, that turns me on! Kya
> ha ha!
> Palmer: Get shot and then I can have your lard! Yummy yummy lard!
Garland: (angry) And ONCE again, they reduced Palmer to a mincing fat imbecile. Those
bastards!
Alexis: I hate to sound insensitive, but when isn't he?
Adol: Alexis, a tip...
Alexis: Yes?
Adol: Don't dis Palmer. For our sake, please.
Garland: (sadly) I just like the lug. Is that so wrong?
> Rufus: I'm surrounded by @$$holes!
> Author's Note: He just noticed that, people.
Kirin: Thanks for pointing that out.
Jim: He's usually too busy with Bill and Ted to notice these sort of things.
>Rufus: But anyway who's attacking?
>Heidegger: Some flying schoolgirls in mini-skirts sir! They're
>extremely powerful!
Adol: (Rufus) What? Again?
> Scarlet/Palmer: No s**t Sherlock!
> Rufus: Dispatch the troops!
> Tseng: Should we go along as well sir?
> Elena: I don't know about this Tseng.
> Rude: Elena, don't act so weak.
Garland: (Rude) Act drunk like me.
> Heidegger: Go and stop them at once!
> Rufus: And see if you can bring any of 'em back with you. (Laughs
> lustfully and notices everyone staring at him) WHAT?!
Jim: Ah. A man after my own heart.
(Everyone stares at him.)
Jim: WHAT?!
> (Back at the hideout)
Ying: Dav leads a coup and executes all the likable characters in the FF7 series.
> Barret: Now we jes wait for da' b***hes to strike!
Kirin: Then we send in the troops and take away their benefits! It's BOUND to work!
> Cloud: That's the problem, we don't know-
> (TV turns on by itself and Mike appears)
> AVALANCHE: Mike?!
Alexis (Mike) No, Joel. Honestly, who do you THINK it is?
> Mike: Whew... am I glad I was able to get you guys again.
Adol: (Tom) We are?
Alexis: (Mike) Shh!
> Steel: I don't know, are you glad?
> Mike: Very funny. Anyway, the Sailor Scouts are attacking Midgar!
> Steel: And how would you know?
> Mike: I tapped into their leader's communications and overheard their
> plans, they might be there already! (Ends communication)
Garland: WOW! Mike's really become a technical whiz in this fic and the Satellite of Love
has become a much more useful satellite. Sadly, this is sooooo much out of character it
isn't funny.
> Spanky: That pansy didn't tell us who the leader is!
Jim: Mike's a flower. Aw, how...HEY!
Alexis: NOBODY calls Mike a pansy and gets away with it! YOU'RE on my hit list, pal!
Ying: You mean you're putting him on NOW?
> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey.
> All: Damn! Again! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "move
> out" or something?!
> Cloud: Move out! Are ya happy now?!
Kirin: (Cid) No. Now we want you in a cocktail dress.
> Dav: Hey Steel.
> Steel: What?
> Dav: Hurt meatball head for me.
> Steel: Can do.
>(They mosey out of there)
Jim: Was that supposed to be a touching moment? I must have missed it.
Alexis: It was touched, all right...
Ying: This touching moment of violence towards women is brought to you by Shaquille O'Neal's
image consultant. Coming soon! Shaq is back playing a hilarious drunk and abusive father IN
Tall Dad! Costarring Macauly Culkin and Robin Williams.
> (And back to the Scouts)
> Sailor Moon: All right girls, we've got troops coming in at 3 o'clock!
> Sailor Venus: Great! Then we can relax for an hour!
Adol: Okay! OKAY! We'll be the first to admit the Sailor Scouts are airheads, but there's no
humanly possible way it could be that bad.
> Sailor Moon: I mean they're coming at us from the right!
> Sailor Jupiter: There's a bunch of 'em!
> Tseng: There they are men! Open fire!
Alexis: (troops) B-but they're schoolgirls in miniskirts, sir!
Kirin: (Tseng) SO?!?
Garland: This is Nav-style wrong here.
> Troops: Yes sir! (They, of course, open fire)
> Sailor Moon: You can't defeat us! I am Sailor Moon! The Champion of
> Just- (Gets pushed over by Sailor Mars)
Jim: Just for Men?
Adol: Just in Time?
Ying: Justin from N'Sync?
Kirin: NO.
> Sailor Mars: Are you trying to get yourself killed?!
> Sailor Moon: Well it's necessary that I deliver all of my lines!
Alexis: Union rules. Aren't they a bitch?
Garland: No no no, remember, it's supposed to be b***h.
Alexis: But I can't pronounce that!
> Sailor Pluto: Just throw the package at 'em!
> Sailor Moon: Hey! I'm the commander here!
> Sailor Mars: Give me that you b***h! (Grabs the package) Eat this you
> turkeys! (Throws the package at the troops)
> Package: (Opens itself up and reveals
Kirin: Regis and Kathie Lee!
Adol: Martha Stewart!
(pause. Kirin and Adol turn to Jim.)
Jim: Hang on. I'm thinking of something.
> a mime)
> Troops: Oh f**k! A mime!!! (Runs for their lives and sanity)
Alexis: (Trooper) They never told us it was a mime! Quick! Call the pimento loaf vigilante!
Garland: Mime? When is a mime scary?
Adol: Maybe it's something we'd understand if...
All (in unison):...if we'd only had read some of Dyne's stories before this.
> Mime: (Chases them to the Midgar swamp where the Zoloms kill everyone,
> including the mime)
Ying: That's pleasant. Who will be massacred next?
> Sailor Mercury: That IS a pretty scary attack.
Jim (Sailor Mercury) It's almost as bad as the 'Summon John Rocker' attack we used last week!
>(AVALANCHE runs in)
> Cloud: Charge!
> Cid: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say
> "attack the f**king b***hes" or something?!
Kirin: (Cloud) Well, seeing as that's MORE idiotic than 'charge...'
Adol: (Cid) How 'bout I say it then?
Kirin: (Cloud) NO!
> Cloud: Shaddup Cid!
> Sailor Saturn: They're here!
> Sailor Moon: Now once again you fight the Champions of Justice!
> Steel: How about this?! Through fire Justice is served! Flare! (Hits
> Sailor Moon with it)
Garland: (shakes his head) Nope. Still dumb.
> Sailor Moon: Ah! S**t! Not again! (Rolls around on the ground trying
> to extinguish the flames)
Kirin: Unfortunately they consumed her, whereupon the flames then proceeded to burn the entire city and kill everybody. The end!
Ying: (Somewhat disturbed) Is he always like that?
Alexis: Only when he's getting REALLY annoyed with the fic.
> Goku: It must be embarrassing that the worst member of the group is
> the title character.
Jim: Yeah, not at all like any other anime series.
Adol: He obviously hasn't met Sailor Chibi Moon.
> Scouts: It is!
> Sailor Moon: (Gets up) Now I will right wrongs and punish stupid
> pieces of trash like you!
Ying: Not one of her higher caliber speeches, is it?
> Sailor Mars: Um... Sailor Moon! Can I have a word with you?
> Sailor Moon: Sailor Mars, I'm kind of busy here!
> Sailor Jupiter: We're supposed to fight as one, remember?!
Alexis: Nope. No thinly veiled slurs against Communism here. Nope. Nope.
> Sailor Moon: I am one! Eeeeeeerrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!
> Sailor Venus: Being second-in-command's gone to your head!
> Sailor Neptune: Prima donna!
Adol: Hussy!
Kirin: Nincompoop!
Garland: Slut!
Adol: Slut?
Garland: Sorry. Forgot she was still a virgin.
> Sailor Mercury: Shouldn't we discuss this after we take care of them?
> Sailor Uranus: No way! I think we're getting tired of this!
All: AND WE'RE NOT?
> Sailor Moon: You can't do this to me! This is mutiny!
> Sailor Saturn: All of us are sick of being commanded by a dingbat!
> Sailor Moon: Dingbat huh!? A hothead who burns people's feet off is
>better-
> Sailor Scouts: (Keep arguing on and on)
Jim: (Sailor Mercury): And you always leave the toilet seat up!
Ying: (Sailor Mars): I do not!
Jim: (Sailor Mercury): I was talking about Sailor Moon!
Adol: I can say one thing. Dyne's pretty accurate with the hidden internal dissention of
the Sailor Scouts.
(Group grunts)
> AVALANCHE: (Doesn't attack since they're laughing their heads off)
> Moonlight Knight: (Appears) Sailor Scouts! Your enemy is this group of
> p***ies right here, not each other!
Alexis: I couldn't have put it better myself.
Kirin: Don't side with the fanfic characters, Alexis.
Garland: The author's enemy seems to be the lack of continuity. I mean, when does this take
place in the Sailor Moon universe? Moonlight Knight was a manifestation of Darien's
subconscious for a period of about twenty episodes therefore making it inconsistent with the
arrival of the Outer Sailor Senshi's appearance. It's a major faux pas!
(pause)
Ying: Yup, couldn't say it better myself.
Alexis: (to Garland) How'd you get to know so much about Sailor Moon?
Garland: Internet.
> Sailor Mars: It's the Moonlight Knight!
> Sailor Moon: No s**t Sherlock!
Adol: I'm beginning to get the urge to go back in time and kill Sir Arthur Conan Doyle just
to get that phrase out of the English language.
> Moonlight Knight: I am at your service.
> Sailor Jupiter: Cool! Let's go!
> (Once again the teams split and a huge battle ensues)
Ying: Feel the excitement. No, really. (yawns)
Garland: Okay. I'll get some coffee. (gets up) Let me know what happened, okay? (leaves)
Kirin: Not like anything happens anyway.
> Tifa: (Once again fighting Sailor Mars but this time with Spanky) This
> time you die b***h!
> Sailor Mars: Yeah right, I've been ready for this all my life!
Jim: She's been preparing all her life to fight Tifa? Man, she needs to get a priority
overhaul...
> Spanky: You mean this right?! (Gives her a huge wedgie)
Adol and Ying: OOOOOOOOY!
Kirin: And Sailor Mars promptly slaps him with the deadly Sexual Harassment Lawsuit attack.
Ying: Spanky wanted to fight just to do that, I'm sure.
> Sailor Mars: Hey! No fair!
> Spanky: Enjoy being constipated for a week! She's all yours Tifa!
Jim: Actually, constipation is the direct result of a lack of water in the system, which
causes...
Alexis: (covers Jim's mouth) Spare us, PLEASE.
> (Looks for another target)
> Sailor Mars: Oh poopy...
Ying: (Spanky) I told you, you won't be doing that for awhile!
> Tifa: That's definitely something you won't do for a while.
Ying: D'OH!
Kirin: Riffing backlash: the fear of all MiSTers everywhere.
Adol: STOP with the poopy jokes! It's NOT FUNNY! It's NO--
(Garland comes back with the coffee pot.)
Garland: Kona Roast?
Adol: Thanks. (Drinks from the pot.)
> Sailor Jupiter: (Fighting Vegeta) JUPITER THUNDER CRASH!!!
> Vegeta: (Deflects the lightning bolt) Weak b***h! Die! (Blows her
> across the sector)
Jim: This fic is going for the world record in launching people.
> Ha! The Saiyin prevail again!
> Goku: Speak for yourself Vegeta! Kao Cannon times............ 500!!!
Adol: 300, sir!
> (Let's it loose)
> Sailor Saturn: SILENCE WALL!!! (Blocks the blast)
> Goku: Ah crap!
> Cid: Saiyin p***y! (Shoves his spear up Sailor Saturn's @$$)
(the group jumps. Garland spills coffee on Kirin.)
Kirin: GAAAAAAAH!
Garland: Sorry, man. The film made me do it.
> Sailor Saturn: Ah s**t! My @$$! My @$$! My f**kin' @$$!
> Scouts: (Completely shocked at Sailor Saturn's language)
Alexis: I don't see why. It's pretty standard right now.
Ying: Yeah, usually, they'd be envious.
> Cloud: (Fighting Sailor Mercury again) This time Dav's not here to
> distract this!
Adol: Distract WHAT?
Kirin: He talks about his battles like they were people.
Jim: Yep, he's finally flipped.
> Sailor Mercury: I'd worry more about yourself! My most lethal weapon
> is my brain!
Garland: She's gonna head-butt him to death then?
> Cloud: HA! OMNI-
Adol:-plex cinemas! Twenty of the hottest movies with stadium seating, low price popcorn
and accessible parking!
> Sailor Mercury: SHINE AQUA ILLUSION!!! (Freezes Cloud and moves on)
Alexis: Is it terribly wrong of me to support the Sailor Senshi on this one?
Kirin: In this fic? No.
> Cloud: slash...? POOPY!
> Sailor Venus: Time to begin where I left off!
Alexis: (Venus) Lessee, it was chapter fifteen, right?
Adol: You mean the getting chased around by Vincent while he's shouting "No one insults
my tarts", right?
> Vincent: Good idea! For I am CHAOS!!! (Transforms)
Garland: You are bloody well not! *I* am Chaos! I'll prove it to you...!
(Garland grows into the original FF1 Chaos, scaring some of the group.)
Adol: Garland, NOT in the theater!
(Garland changes back.)
Garland: Sorry.
> Sailor Venus: Uh oh... (Runs like hell)
> Vincent: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! (Chases Sailor Venus around again)
> Barret: (Sees Cloud frozen) You foo' Cloud!
Jim: Blue foo' Cloud!
Adol: Egg foo Cloud?
Ying: Kung foo...aw forget it.
Kirin: Who ordered the Chinese?
> Cloud: Why don't you shut the hell up and get me outta here!
Alexis: Remarkably verbal for an ice statue.
> Steel: Here you go Cloud. Fire! (Thaws Cloud)
Jim: (Cloud) Great. Now I owe Shaq a favor.
Kirin: (Steel) Go take out Kobe Bryant.
Adol: Okay. I have to ask. If Steel's never fought before, why does he have both the Fire
AND the Flare spell?
Garland: Because...
Adol: I know. Dyne's the author.
Garland: Actually, I was going to mention the fact of Magicite and level development.
> Sailor Uranus: Ha! Got all three of you!
> Barret: Tough s**t b***h! (Holds up his gun-arm)
> Sailor Uranus: AH! (Holds up her arms as if to block)
All: MEGAMI-SAMA!
> Barret: (Shoots out a large flag with "BANG!" printed on it)
Garland: (Barret) Ooh nuts, wrong gun.
> Sailor Uranus: (Lowers her arms) Huh?!
> Barret: Foo'd you! (Punches her across the road)
> Steel: Pretty nasty left hook there Barret.
Adol: (Barret) Good, coz you're next, foo!
> Sailor Pluto: (Fighting Aeris) I can wield a better staff than you any
> day!
> Aeris: No teenage prostitute has the power to match an Ancient!
Alexis: Why do short skirts automatically make them prostitutes? How about Chorus
Line Rejects?
> Sailor Pluto: Yeah, Ancient b***h!
Kirin: (British) Very witty Wilde! Very, very witty. [normal] Shoot me.
> Tifa: (Knocks Sailor Mars down) Hey! Only I can call her that, whore!
>(Performs her chain of Limit Breaks on Sailor Pluto)
> Sailor Pluto: (Gets blown across Midgar)
Jim: That just blew her mind, heh heh.
> Spanky: Tifa's attack had the most power so far.
Adol: (Spanky) And it looks like I am stuck with the role of commentator, comic relief, and
quasi-self inserted character. I'll go off and get some beer and some women.
> Sailor Neptune: Time for the tide to turn! DEEP SUBMERGE!!! (Forms a
> tidal wave)
> Red XIII: Yes! I've wanted to try this new Limit Break! FARTICATOR!!!
> (Lets out his biggest fart ever and turns the tidal wave around)
Kirin: But wait! Sailor Neptune counters with her deadly Beano attack! Oh the humanity!
> Sailor Neptune: Oh... crud. (Gets knocked out)
> Moonlight Knight: I, the Moonlight Knight, have vowed never to let
> anyone destroy the earth's eternal song!
Jim: Are we crossing over with Earthbound as well? This sucks!
> Barret: 'Dat so?!
> Cloud: Earmuff alert!
> AVALANCHE: (Puts earmuffs on)
> Barret: (Starts singing) Y-M-C-A!
(The group starts dancing)
Garland: (singing) Hey! It's fun to stay in the...
All: (singing) Y-M-C-A!
Garland: (singing) You can have some fun and have lots of joy, it's fun for the girl and
boy...
> Moonlight Knight: Oh s**t! How can one sing so badly! I can't take it
> anymore! (Runs away)
> Barret: (Stops singing)
> AVALANCHE: (Takes the earmuffs off)
Garland: (singing) Yeah, it's fun to stay in the...(pauses) Damn them.
(The group sits back down.)
> Sailor Moon: Time for someone to do something right around here!
> (Another rose falls)
> Tuxedo Mask: (Appears) Sailor Mercury! Freeze them all!
Alexis: Forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't the Moonlight Knight the same as Tuxedo Mask?
Jim: He's a real quick-change artist.
> Sailor Moon: Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga... (Stares at Tuxedo Mask)
Adol: She's turned into Kryten all the sudden.
Ying: Either that or Darrien's wearing a loincloth.
> Sailor Mercury: Good idea!
> AVALANCHE: Oh f**k!
> Sailor Mercury: DOUBLE MERCURY ICE STORM BLaaaaaaaahhhh!!! (Gets
> kicked in the back and knocked over)
Kirin: Oh, gosh. She threw up.
> Fei: We are here Cloud!
> Bart: Too bad, we missed most of the fun.
Adol: Let's hear it for haphazard crossover insertion, ladies and gentlemen!
(clapping)
> Tuxedo Mask: Sailor Venus! Use your power!
Garland: Use your OWN f**king magic, penguin boy!
> Sailor Venus: (Jumps away from Vincent) VENUS LOVE ME CHAIN
> ENCIRCLE!!!
Jim: Cookie Monster love me cookies!
> (Hits Cid with it)
> Cid: D-uh...
> Tifa: CID!!!
> Tuxedo Mask: Now we must withdrawal! (Disappears)
Adol: Onward to the Betty Ford clinic!
> Sailor Moon: D-uh... okay. (Flies away)
> Goku: Isn't that something you do in a bank?
> Vegeta: He means "run away" Kakaraught!
Garland: (Goku) It's Kakkarot! KAKKAROT!
Ying: (Vegeta) If you make another stupid joke, I'll call you Maurice, okay?
> Sailor Venus: Ha! If you want him back come to our base! (Flies away
> with Cid)
> Sailor Mercury: (Gets up) We'll pay you back! (Takes off)
Adol: Well that's good, but I wasn't aware they were borrowing money from them.
Jim: What do you think all those 'withdrawals' were for?
> Bart: (Cracks his whip, wraps it around Sailor Mercury's ankles, and
> pulls her down) Tough luck b***h!
> Sailor Mercury: Ahhh! Rats... (Gets knocked out on impact)
> Sailor Mars: They've got Sailor Mercury!
> Sailor Jupiter: So? We've got one of theirs! Let's get out of here for
> now! (They fly away)
Alexis: (singing) Up up and away, in my beautiful fuku...
> Sailor Pluto: (Finally arrives back at Sector 7) Ohhhh... I wanted to
> rip them out of time!
> Sailor Saturn: You'll get that chance later! Let's go! (They fly away)
> Sailor Uranus: All right, when we get back we'll have some fun!
> Sailor Neptune: Hell yeah! (They fly away)
Kirin: This is about the point where Crow 2 and Hibichi would go into total fanboy shock.
Ying: Instead of crying?
> Barret: Awright! We win again!
> Everyone: (Does his/her victory dance)
Garland: I don't even want to think of what Spanky's victory dance looks like.
Jim: The Charleston?
Garland: I said I don't want to THINK about it!
> Aeris: But what are we going to do? They took Cid!
> Fei: That's okay, we have one of theirs as well. (Gestures at Sailor
> Mercury)
Ying: So Dav gets Sailor Mercury but Cid gets all the rest?
> Bart: And besides, do we care that they took Cid?
> Spanky: Not really.
Adol: Hey! Some of us LIKE Cid!
Garland: Well, he's also the only one who knows how to fly the airship.
(pause)
All: D'oh!
> Cloud: Let's get back to the hideout.
> Everyone: (Expects to hear Cid make on of his "Damn! Again?!" comments)
Alexis: (Cid) Yeah! Why can't you say "Let's mosey over to the hideout and rustle me up
some Hormel Chili?"
> Steel: Looks like this is going to take a while to get used to.
> Red XIII: No s**t Sherlock.
Adol: (Spanky) But I was Sherlock last time.
Garland: (Red) Sod off, you filthy monkey!
Alexis: If I hear that ONE MORE TIME...
[Commercial break]
_____________________________
This program brought to you by the friendly people at Pizza Hut.
*burp*
_____________________________
[back]
> (Back at the hideout Dav and Cait Sith are playing Poker)
Ying: And Dav, as we all know as the self-inserted type character, cheats.
> Dav: I'll call your bet and raise you... 100 gil.
> Cait Sith: All right, give me three cards.
Jim: (Dav) But you have to put down three cards in exchange--
Adol: (C.S) I SAID GIMME THREE CARDS, DAMMIT!
> Dav: (Gives him the cards) One for the dealer.
Garland: (Dav) Or the stud-muffin, which is moi.
> Cait Sith: Ha! I've got a full house!
> Dav: Too bad. Feel the power of my... ROYAL FLUSH!
> Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
All: HA!
Alexis: Oh, he just has a pair of twos, that liar.
> Dav: Another game?
> Cait Sith: Naw, we'd better see what those two clowns upstairs are up to.
Kirin: Probably squeezing into their clown car. I hear that takes hours.
Garland: (Dav) What? You bought clowns while I was gone?
> (They head upstairs)
> Cait's Friend: (Licking up the few remaining puddles of tequila)
> Tequila man!
> Steve: (Reading a porno mag) Babes!
> Dav: Everything's normal up here.
Adol: Yup, alcoholic licking the floor and perv's reading the latest issue of "Maxim".
Everything's normal.
Alexis: Men...
> Bob: (Flies in) There you are! (Points at Steve)
> Steve: Babes!
> Cait/Dav: Who the hell are you?!
> Bob: I am BOB! The Son of Sephiroth!
All: BOB?!
[general snickering]
Kirin: Bob.
Jim: Boooob.
Alexis: What a great name. Bob.
> (Points at Steve again) And he stole my porno mag.
> Steve: Babes!
> Cait Sith: Bob huh? Let me think... Yeah, I remember you!
Adol: Well how can you forget a name like Boooob?
All: Bob.
Garland: Yay, Bob!
> Author's Note: Bob first appears in Cait's Insanity 1+1 by Cait Sith.
Alexis: (Dyne) Course, you wouldn't know that if you didn't read it. Damn you insensitive
people.
Ying: Maybe Dyne should have had a 'required reading' list at the top.
> Dav: The SON of Sephiroth? Where is old mako-for-brains anyway?
> Bob: Well dad suddenly had a desire to conquer Hawaii and rule it with
> an iron fist so that's what he's doing now.
Garland: A white man trying to conquer Hawaii?
(pause, then riotous laughter)
> Cait Sith: Well you tell him that he's made a big mistake!
> Bob: What do you mean?
> Dav: By having you as a son! (Kicks Bob out of the bar)
Ying: (Sephiroth) Well hell, I could've told them THAT.
Kirin: Hey, don't diss Bob!
Alexis: We like Bob!
All: Boooob.
Jim: You'd better watch out. He'll bring Jay back with him, and you'll have a major fight
on your hands.
> (In Hawaii)
Kirin: AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon: Live from Hawaii.
Adol: Ah Hawaii, land of Shave ice, Samoans, and pesky American tourists regurgitating poi.
Garland: My kinda place. (sighs)
> Sephiroth: I am Sephiroth! You will all bow down before me!
Jim: (Sephiroth) I bring you turkey and poorly dubbed Pokémon movies!
> Everybody: (Not even paying attention)
> Sephiroth: (Whining) Oh come on! Bow down! Pretty please... Fine then,
> I'll conquer Wyoming instead.
> An old lady: Say! Aren't you the Sephiroth who wanted to destroy the
> world with METEOR?
Ying: (Sephiroth) Uh...well, I was stoned at the time though. Heh heh.
> Sephiroth: Yeah, why?
> Old lady: Because since then I've always wanted to do THIS! (Kicks him
> in the nuts)
Alexis: Much to the chagrin of the good people at Planters.
> Sephiroth (High-pitched voice): AAAAHHHHH!!! My twinkies!
Alexis: Check that. I meant Hostess.
Ying: Unorthodox place to place Hostess bakery products.
(confused pause)
Adol: What?
Ying: I said...
Alexis: Never mind.
> Old lady: Hey everyone! Let's get the weird bastard!
> Crowd: YEAH!!!
Garland: Kill the goth! Kill the goth! Kill the...what am I saying?
Kirin: (Colonel) Stop that, stop that! Started out as a nice little bit about little old
ladies attacking people, but now it's just gotten silly.
> Sephiroth: Oh crud... (Starts to run away, trips over a root, slams head-first
> into a palm tree, gets hit on the head by several falling coconuts,
> thrown into the ocean by the crowd, stung by jellyfish and
> bitten by sharks, thrown across the island by a forming tidal wave,
> and lands in a volcano.)
Ying: Hmmmm...I sense a bit of hostility towards the character of Sephiroth, but I just
can't seem to put my finger on it...
> Volcano: (Explodes and throws Sephiroth off the earth and propels him
> toward the sun.)
> Sephiroth: S***************************T!!!! (Gets turned into crispy
> crunchies)
Alexis: Nice choreography. Too bad it was utterly pointless.
> (Back at the hideout the fighting team has just returned)
> Cait Sith: So how was it?
Jim: (Cloud) Aw, we beat up some girls. No big. Remind us never to bring Spanky
again, though.
> Vegeta: It sucked, I didn't get to blow any of 'em into another
> dimension!
Kirin: The awful stench of Saban surrounds this fic.
> Aeris: Don't worry Vegeta, I'll make it better.
Alexis: And segue into musical number!
Jim: NOOO! DON'T LISTEN TO HER!
> Vegeta: Hell yeah!
> Red XIII: Other than that they got Cid.
Ying: That good or bad?
Garland: If you're a Cid otaku, it's bad.
> Dav: Well that's a maximum suckage!
Jim: Sounds like the White House.
Adol: Grrrrrr...
> Cloud: The good news is we got one of them also.
> Cait/Dav: Who?!
> Bart: This one. (Pushes Sailor Mercury in)
> Sailor Mercury: (With her hands tied behind her back) Hey!
> Dav: (Turns veeeeeeeery pale)
Kirin: (Gets veeeeeeeery bored)
Ying: Ooh, he must not be one of those S&M types.
Alexis: Now, Ying, I warned you...
> Fei: Get in there! (Pushes her into a closet)
Jim: If she finds a white dress and starts pondering the meaning of her sexuality...
Alexis: You too, freak boy!
> Goku: So what are we going to do with her?
> Cloud: Well first I'm going to find out where their base is.
> Cait Sith: Thank you Captain Obvious.
> Tifa: Then afterwards?
> Vincent: Can I cut her in two with my chainsaw?
> Barret: If she don't help us get Cid outta da b***hes base you can
> kill her Vince.
Garland: (Dripping with sarcasm) Oh, that's very nice, thank you fic for giving us such
likable and noble heroes.
> Cloud: I'll be back. (Opens the closet and pushes Sailor Mercury over
> to a nearby abandoned warehouse.)
Adol: You know, they could have saved lots of time if they put her there in the first place.
Kirin: (Church Lady) Well isn't that CONVEEEEEEEENIENT.
> Steel: While we wait for Cloud how about a game of Smash Bros.?
Ying: Excellent. We needed some gratuitous swearing and menial descriptions of a video game
battle.
Alexis: Can we call it a shameless plug now?
Ying: Yeah, I think so.
> Spanky: Good idea. You coming Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (Takes his tongue out of Aeris' throat) Just a minute. (Shoves
> it back in)
Kirin: Oh! OH! Gods! Man, I need my eyes squeegeed! Man!
Garland: Poor Aeris...
Adol: Well, could be worse.
Alexis: How?
Adol: Could be Yuffie.
(pause)
Alexis: I hate you, Adol.
> Goku: I'll play for him.
> Steel: Sweet! Now where's Dav?
> Dav: (Has slipped out unnoticed)
> Spanky: He'll turn up somewhere.
Jim: (Spanky) Remember the time we found him in the garbage disposal?
> Fei: Let me try the game. Come on Bart, I'll need a coach.
> Bart: In a minute will ya! (Cracks his whip) Back! You're not getting
> my case of "Bartweiser"!
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
> [fade out]
Alexis: I thought we'd already confirmed who Tequila Man was.
Ying: We are all...Tequila Man.
Garland: Okay! Break!
(They leave the theater)
[Switching to story mode]
"Well I'll be damned," muttered Alexis.
"That's what you get for whacking us so many times," replied Jim, walking in on the tail end
of her comment from the snack bar. She shot him a glare that, coming from a self-insert
rather than an avatar, would have incinerated him on the spot.
Adol looked in his direction. "Actually, we were discussing this." He flapped a rather thick
packet in Jim's direction.
"What is it?"
"Well, you know how Harlequin has a guide for writing romance novels which even tell you how
to do the page numbers?" asked Garland.
"Er, no," Jim admitted.
Garland blinked. "Oh. Right. Well, they do. Anyway, Adol here tracked down a similar guide
for writing Final Fantasy Seven script fiction," he explained.
"Always knew there was some sort of pattern after we came across Cloud and Cait Sith anyway..."
Adol added.
"Hoo hoo, and it's a doozy!" added Ying.
"So what's in it?" asked Jim, not sure whether he really wanted to know.
"Wanna read it to him, Adol?"
"Yeah, what the hell." Adol cleared his throat noisily and began.
"Rule one: All humor is required to come in the form of swearing, poor sexual jokes, extreme
lack of characterization and put downs. Wit, irony, satire and other forms of higher humor
are not allowed."
"Which explains a lot," added Alexis.
"And which explains why Fritz Fraundorf doesn't write these sorts of stories," Garland pointed
out.
Adol read the next rule. "Rule two: In said swearing, all bad words must come in the form of
either stars in the middle of the word or a long, unintelligible stream of symbols. This is
easily accomplished by holding the shift key and whacking aimlessly at the number keys on the
top of the keyboard."
Garland commented, "We're convinced it's stress relief for the writers."
"Either that or to make the characterization of Cid easier. Rule three: There is always an
alcoholic, unintelligible avatar character named Cait's Friend designed to irritate the hell
out of the readers so that when the time comes for him to be violently killed, much cheering
will ensue."
"Tequila man!" said Ying cheerfully.
"Rule four: All women must be either alcoholics or sluts. This includes established
characters."
"Same thing goes for El Hazard," Jim noted.
"They were already alcoholics, Jim," Ying whispered.
"Rule five: Tifa and Cloud MUST have a gratuitous sex scene."
There was no surprise for the group there.
"Rule six: Other characters must be able to listen in on said sex scene."
Still no surprises.
"Rule seven: Cid's swear words must contain no less than ten symbols."
Jim interrupted. "Um, how long does this list go on?"
"About fifty pages," replied Adol.
"Oh great..."
"What's great?" asked Kirin, emerging from the bathroom.
The lights began to flash. "Well, it ain't this! FANFIC SIGN!"
And so the group trudged back into the theater.
[Switching to script mode]
Kirin: I missed something again, didn't I?
Alexis: You ALWAYS miss something, Kirin.
Jim: Yeah, man. How do you do it?
Kirin: Good timing.
> (In the warehouse)
> Algus: Where is the Marquis?!
Ying: (Gustav) I told you, they're in the Gamma Quadrant! Weren't you listening?
> Gustav: ...
> Algus: (Kicks him in the face) Talk you bastard!
> Delita: Enough, Algus!
> Ramza: He's a human just like us!
Kirin: Actually, that's debatable...
Adol: You ever played Final Fantasy Tactics?
Kirin: Well, not as such...
Adol and Garland: Then keep your mouth shut!
> Algus: Anyone who sinks this low is a piece of trash! Where's the
> Marquis?! (Punches Gustav) TALK!!!
Ying: (Gustav) Sorry, Madam Defarge! I just can't tell you!
> Gustav: "Sand Rat Cellar." Now just remember that we're only taking
> back what you stole from us!
> Algus: Bastard! Don't talk s**t to me!
> Delita: Algus!
Adol: Yes, we KNOW! Thank you!
> Ramza: "Sand Rat Cellar?" That's in the Zeklaus Desert.
> Cloud: (Walks in) No s**t Sherlock!
Alexis: GRAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!
(Alexis begins hitting the screen with her fists)
Morgan: (Over Mike) Don't hurt yourself, dear Alexis. Those screens are rather strong, even
for you SIs.
Alexis: (sitting down) Stupid indestructible screens...
> Now get out of here, you've got the
> info you need! It's my turn to interrogate someone!
Kirin: They must extricate the truth under pain of TOR-CHA!
All: TOR-CHA!
> Ramza: Hey Cloud, where'd you get a hot chick like that?
Jim: (Cloud) We exchanged numbers on an airplane. She was a lonely, plump city girl from LA
and I was a funny, quiet writer for the school paper...
> Cloud: OUT! Before I tell Dav where you are!
> Delita: I'm going I'm going! (Runs out)
> Ramza: Delita you coward! Come back here! I will not disgrace my
> family! (Runs after him)
Garland: I'm sensing some serious in-jokes here.
Alexis: Just smile and nod and they'll go away.
(Garland smiles and nods.)
Garland: They're still there.
> Algus: Idiots! (Walks out dragging Gustav behind him)
> Cloud: (Pushes Sailor Mercury onto the floor) Now, where's Cid!?
Kirin: (Sailor Mercury) Which one?
> Sailor Mercury: Go bleach your roots, creep!
Adol: (Cloud) Ooh. Never heard THAT insult before.
> Cloud: (Backhands her) Where's Cid! Talk b***h!
> Dav: (Is crouched on a ceiling beam, watching, waiting)
Jim: For what? A flare? An SOS beacon? Rescue her already!
Garland: Like the Psychic Fern. His time will come. Oh yes, his time would come.
> Sailor Mercury: I don't know any Cids!
Kirin: (Sailor Mercury) Well, except for El Cid... and Sid Caeser...and Sid Maier of
Civilization fame...
> Cloud: (Backhands her again) The Cid who your b***h friend took! Now
> where are they?!
> Dav: (Is getting pissed)
Garland: Aw, is Davy baby gonna throw a fit? Come on, throw a hissy fit, you baby! Come
on!
Adol: Garland, please control yourself.
Ying: I'm getting some Junior Mints.
Jim: I'll be fine. Go and grab me some Twizzlers.
(Ying leaves)
> Sailor Mercury: They're at our base where our leader will take care of him!
> Cloud: Now where's your base?!
> Sailor Mercury: ...
> Cloud: WHERE'S YOUR BASE YOU WHORE!!!? (Punches her)
Alexis: (Sailor Mercury) Geez, if you want it so bad it's in my purse! Man...
Adol: (Cloud) Not THAT base! (to himself) Note to self. Check purse later.
> Dav: (Getting angrier)
Jim: How much angrier can you get than being pissed?
Ying: (Still out of theater) Is it over yet?
Jim: Nope. We still have the hero standing back while the attractive blue haired girl is
beaten to a pulp.
Ying: (Out of theater) Let me know when it's over.
Morgan: (on mike) Get...back...IN THERE!
(Ying trudges back, with a servdroid carrying a gun pointed at his head.)
Adol: That's pretty harsh.
(The servdroid salutes and wheels back out.)
> Sailor Mercury: It's on this planet!
Garland: Be more VAGUE, please!
> Cloud: Where on this planet!? (Kicks her in the stomach)
Ying: On the surface?
Kirin: Unless they're controlled by Mole Men.
Adol: (singing) We're going down, down, down, deeper into the --
Others: SHADDAP!
> Sailor Mercury: (Has the wind knocked out of her)
> Cloud: WHERE ON THIS PLANET!!!? (Picks her up by her hair and punches
> her again)
Alexis: Now, I'm no expert in interrogation, but knocking the wind out of someone isn't a very
good technique if you're trying to make them talk.
Garland: Alexis, remember your comment about logic leaving the building?
Alexis: Yes.
Garland: Same concept.
Alexis: Okay.
> Dav: (Getting angrier)
Kirin: ... and angrier and angrier and angrier, until he blows up and takes a third of Midgar
with him. The end. (pause) So what's on Sci-Fi?
> Sailor Mercury: On land!
> Cloud: GIVE ME THE EXACT LOCATION!!! (Rams his shoulder guard into her
> face and lets her fall)
Jim: Methinks Cloud has some unresolved issues to work out.
Alexis: Naw, he's just violent. Try reading the serious stuff. He REALLY has issues in
those.
Adol: Okay, but if this keeps up, I'm putting in a call to the Guild.
> Dav: (Extremely pissed)
Ying: (Dav, monotone) I am very angry.
> Sailor Mercury: (Bleeding in several places on her face and has tears
> in her eyes) It's on an island south of Hyrule...
Kirin: I knew it! (pause) Huh?
> Cloud: About f**king time! Now, who's your leader?! Tell me b***h!
All: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.
> Sailor Mercury: ...
> Cloud: WHO'S YOUR LEADER!!!? (Kicks her in the face)
Adol: RIGHT! That's it. (picks up phone and dials a number.)
> Sailor Mercury: Her name is-
> Dav: (Jumps down and kicks Cloud from behind)
Jim: Her name is sudden plot contrivance to stretch out the mystery!
Garland: Cancel the call.
(Adol grudgingly puts down the phone.)
> Cloud: Dav! What the f**king hell are you doing!?
Kirin: (Dav) Getting angrier by the minute. You?
> Dav: Something I thought I'd never do before now! (Puts Cloud in a
> hammerlock)
> Cloud: Ah s**t! My beating arm!
> Dav: (Picks up a rock and hits Cloud on the head)
> Cloud: (Is knocked unconscious)
All: [cheering; various flags reading "Go Dav!" can be seen]
Adol: Um, you DO realize we're cheering for the self-insert, don't you?
[all pause. Then everybody save Kirin and Alexis chucks their stuff away.]
Jim: (to screen) You're evil! EEEEEVIL!
Kirin: HEY!
Alexis: We happen to LIVE with an SI ya know!
Garland: And I live with an avocado! It doesn't mean I want to BE one!
> Sailor Mercury: Dav? Why are YOU helping me?
> Dav: (Unties her hands) Because I can.
> Sailor Mercury: That's not it.
Adol: (Dav) Because you're very attractive in a nice way and you're injured and I want to know
you better so I can propose to you by the end of the story. That make sense?
Ying: (Mercury) I liked the first explanation better.
> Dav: I have my reasons. Now come on let's get out of here!
> Sailor Mercury: I appreciate your concern but I can barely walk.
> (Takes a few steps and collapses)
Kirin: Looks like the leg's broken. You'll have to shoot her.
> And even if you could get me out of here you'd never be able to protect me.
> Dav: I'll protect you.
> Sailor Mercury: (Looks at him)
Jim: (Mercury) Wait. You were watching me the whole time and you saved me JUST NOW?
> Dav: You have my word. (Thinks) Locke this is exactly how you got started!
Garland: In fact, it's so exactly like how he started that Locke should sue for
plagiarism.
> Sailor Mercury: But we're trapped in here, if we use the main entrance
> your friends will see us.
Ying: (Dav) I know. That'll at least prove to them that I'm not gay, at long last.
> Dav: Not a problem. (Draws Atma Weapon and cuts a hole in the back
> wall)
Alexis: Ah. Why use conventional entrances when you can just make your own?
> Can you fly right now?
> Sailor Mercury: I doubt it, it took all of my strength to stand that beating.
> Dav: I thought as much. I know of a refuge where you can recover. Come on,
> lean on me and we'll get out of here.
Jim, Ying, and Kirin: (singing) Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your
friend...
Adol: Skuld help me, I saw that coming.
> (They quickly make their way to the Sector 7 train station where Dav
> has his gold chocobo, Jessika, waiting)
Garland: Oh God, not another one of those things.
Jim: Chocobo? Isn't that a Pokemon?
> Sailor Mercury: Oh! What's that?
Alexis: (Dav) Lunch. Do you want the wing or the leg?
Ying: (Crazy guy) It's a chicken, I tell ya! A GIANT CHICKEN!
Alexis: (Dav) What's your point?
Ying: (Crazy guy) ... well, none really...
> Dav: This is my gold chocobo. Say "hello", Jessika.
> Jessika: Wark!
Adol: (Mercury) That sounded like wark.
Garland: (Dav) Trust me. She meant hello.
Alexis: And now for the reader's pleasure, the Chocobo translation guide.
Jim: Hi!
Kirin: Wark!
Jim: How are you?
Kirin: Wark?
Jim: Help me, for the love of God! There's a woodsman chasing me with an axe!
Kirin: Wark!!!
Alexis: This has been a Chocobo translation moment.
> Dav: Look at that, she likes you. (Climbs on) Get on behind me.
> Sailor Mercury: A-alright. (Climbs on)
> Dav: Let's go to Round Island, Jessika!
> Jessika: Wark! (Starts running)
> Dav: I never get tired of this!
Ying: Then again, he's easily amused.
> Sailor Mercury: Woah! (Hangs onto Dav)
Garland: Great. Now we're gonna have to hear that damn annoying chocobo music for thirty
minutes.
> (They quickly leave Midgar and head for the ocean)
Adol: Looks like they're off on a day trip.
Ying: Hope they remembered the picnic basket!
Kirin: Don't make this any more nauseating than it already is, PLEASE.
Alexis: He hates mushy scenes.
Adol: Ah.
> Sailor Mercury: (Gasps) You're headed straight for the water!
Garland: (Dav) I KNOW! Stop being a back seat driver!
Jim: They've known each other for ten minutes and already they sound like they're married.
> Dav: I know, watch.
> Jessika: (Starts running on the water)
> Dav: (Feels himself getting squeezed tighter)
Jim: ... and liking it immensely.
*WHACK!*
Jim: Look, lady, I'm getting sick of this!
Alexis: Wanna make something of it?
Garland: Colleagues, PLEASE! Can't we all just get along?
(Adol breaks the coffee pot over Garland's head)
Garland: (dripping) Thanks. I needed that.
> I take it this is your first time on a chocobo?
> Sailor Mercury: Just please don't drop me!
> (Dav and Sailor Mercury head for Round Island in order for Sailor
> Mercury to rest)
Ying: And a little shopping, catch some rays, get some touch ups on that blue hair of hers.
Jim: And we have preferential status, folks.
Alexis: We're familiar with that. [glares at Kirin]
Adol: Meanwhile, at the Chinese Laundromat...
> (At the Scouts' base)
Kirin: Close enough.
> Serena: Good news Mistress! We managed to capture one from the
> AVALANCHE team!
> Leader: Who is it?
Garland: The foul mouthed smelly one!
Adol: That doesn't narrow down the choices, Garl...
> Serena: He says his name is "Cid Highwind and that b***hes like us
> should go back to hell where we f**king belong!"
Ying: They captured Dennis Leary?
Jim: (Leader) Well, then bring Cid Highwind-and-That-B***hes-Like-Us-Should-Go-Back-To-Hell-
Where-We-F**kin-Belong in here!
> Leader: Yeah that's Cid alright. Bring him in here!
> Serena: Bring him in here girls!
> Mina: How do you ask?
Alexis: Well, first you take the request in mind, then you kinda end on an upnote. It's
simple once you get the hang of it, really.
> Lita: Slave driver!
> Serena: EEEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! Would you please bring the
> prisoner in here?
Ying: (Lita) Now now, we should be gracious in our commands!
> Mina: That's better.
> Susan/Heather: (Push Cid into the leader's chamber)
> Cid: So you're the top b***h?! What the hell do you f**king want with
> me?!
Garland: I bet it has something to do with a ten-pound bar of soap.
> Leader: You don't recognize me. Do you Cid?
> Cid: Shera? Is that you?!
Alexis: (Leader) Ye...I mean NO! NO!
> Leader EEEERRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! NO I AM NOT SHERA YOU OLD BASTARD!!!
Adol: (Cid) You SURE 'bout that?
> Cid: (Thinking) Whew, a reprieve. (Speaks) Then who the f**king hell are you?!
> Leader: I'll show you. (Turns her chair around to reveal...)
Kirin: GAAAAAAAH! It's Hironobu Sakaguchi!
> Cid: YUFFIE?!!!!!!!!!!
Jim: (Announcer) Yes! It was Yuffie Kisaragi! Dissatisfied with merely stealing materia, the master thief decided it was time for bigger, better challenges! She wanted... the WORLD!
Adol: I knew that lady was trouble. Her and those shorts.
> Yuffie: 'Bout time old man. It was I who took over the Sailor Scouts
> and it is I who is going to take over the world with bad fanfics!
(silence. Group looks at each other nervously)
> Cid: (Is so shocked he can't cuss)
Alexis: Guys, I...
Garland: I know. I think we tripped up on something rather devious here.
> Yuffie: Yes! Soon the world will be mine! Mwahahahahahah-
> Serena: Uh... Mistress?
> Yuffie: What is it Serena?!
Ying: (Serena) The 'No Evil Laugh' sign has just been turned on. Please don't laugh evilly
until the plane has come to a complete stop.
> Serena: It's time for the intermission, you don't say that line until
> part two.
> Yuffie: Oh...
Morgan: (over mike) Oh COME ON! I just finished repairing the fourth wall!
Kirin: You're better off not bothering, Morgie.
[commercial break]
__________
This program brought to you by Seanbaby.
Course, he doesn't know it yet.
__________
[back]
> And so it is revealed that Yuffie was somehow resurrected after Dav killed her
> last time.
Ying: Yea, and what a silly and harebrained revelation it was.
Garland: We think it had something to do with elves.
> And Dav has betrayed his friends to help the enemy!
Adol: Thus dooming him to a horrible death.
Kirin: He's a self-insertion character, dummy.
Adol: Okay. Guaranteeing him the right to kill everyone and become ruler of the world.
> And poor Cid!
Alexis: Poor sick, delusional Cid!
Jim: I hope you're talking about a different Cid, cuz I have no pity for that potty mouthed
bastard.
(Jim turns around to see Garland wielding his sword.)
Jim: But of course, I have great respect for his character.
(Garland puts the sword down.)
> Shocked so much not to be able to cuss!
Kirin: And being forced to leave home at an early age, becoming a wanderer and a...
Ying: Okay, stop that.
> The conclusion to AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon after this brief intermission.
Garland: How grateful!
(the group gets up)
Morgan (over mike): No. You stay!
Adol: But Dyne said...
Morgan (over mike): Please forget what the author said. You READ!
Alexis: Okay, okay. (mumbles) Dirty capitalist creep...
Morgan (over mike): WHAT WAS THAT?!?
Alexis: Nothing.
(The group sits back down.)
> ~Intermission~
(the group gets back up)
Morgan (on mike): NO! Not for you!
(groans as group sits back down.)
> (On the Satellite of Love)
Garland: Where everyone knows your...
Jim: We did that joke.
Garland: Sorry.
> MIKE: Oh! We're on!
> CROW: Not yet Mike, the theme song!
> MIKE: Sorry.
Ying: (singing) Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, the tale of a fateful...
Adol and Garland: NO!
Ying: Sorry.
(pause)
Alexis: Did we just say sorry in a succession of three times?
Jim: Ignore it.
Alexis: Sorry.
Adol: You said it again.
Kirin: SHUT UP!
Adol: Sor...(Garland stares at him, so he shuts up.)
> In the not too distant future,
> Somewhere in time and space.
Ying: Hey! They're in Videogame Land.
Jim: Where's Mother Brain and the Tofu King, then?
> Mike Nelson and his robot friends
Adol: Were trapped in a crappy fanfic!
Kirin: That doesn't rhyme.
Adol: (surprised) It doesn't?
> Are caught in an endless chase.
Alexis: Begin humming cheesy chase music.
> Pursued by a woman who's name is Yuffie,
Jim: Whose bunny slippers are so very fluffy?
Ying: Pursued? She sits around ordering girls in short skirts to attack the characters from
Dragon Ball and Final Fantasy!
Garland: Logic. Not in building. Remember?
Ying: Oh...yeah...
> An evil gal who wants to rule the world.
Alexis: That doesn't even rhyme!
Adol [Dyne]: It doesn't rhyme CAUSE IT'S MY DAMN MiSTING!
Kirin: Why are people who want to take over the world naturally considered evil, anyway?
> She threw a few things in her purse
Garland: Which of course, wasn't hers.
> And in a rocket ship she hunts them all across the universe
Jim: No she doesn't! This is the most inaccurate theme song I've heard since 'Baywatch'.
Kirin: Jimmy. Settle.
> "I'll send them cheesy fanfics,
> The worst I can find (la la la)
Adol: Ah. Well this one is a very good start.
> He'll have to sit and read them all
> And I'll monitor his mind (la la la)"
Alexis: Morgan, this sounding FAMILIAR?
Morgan (over mike): Purest coincidence.
> Now keep in mind Mike can't control When the fanfics begin or end
> (la la la).
Kirin: Because he's in HELL.
Ying: And so are we.
> He'll try and keep his sanity
Garland: Using a healthy diet and exercise regimen!
> By the help of his robot friends.
> Robot Roll Call!
> Cambot.
Adol: (Cambot) Text Only!
> Gypsy.
Garland: (Gypsy) Heil Richard Basehart.
> Tom Servo.
Alexis: (Tom) Check me out.
> Crow!
Kirin: (Crow) I'm not a hentai!
Adol: Honestly, how can you have the theme song without those little asides?
Garland: And that should be Croooooow, not just Crow. Philistine.
> If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
Ying: And who does the laundry.
Jim: And whether he's wearing pants.
> And other science facts (la la la)
Kirin: Then you're thinking too hard. You're not supposed to think. We do not GIVE you
enough INFORMATION to think!
> Just repeat to yourself, "Its just a show, I should really just
> relax."
All: NOT BLOODY LIKELY!
Ying: Despite the fact that presenting a show in text-only format makes no sense!
> For Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000!
Garland: Twanggggg.
> MIKE: Yep we're still stuck up here.
Alexis: (Mike) As is the premise for the show.
> TOM SERVO: Hey Mike did you ever notice that our new uh... what's the
> word I'm looking for?
Kirin: Panties.
(rimshot)
Adol: I thought you put the synthesizer away, Garland.
Garland: Bite me. It's been a long few hours.
> MIKE/CROW: D**kweed manipulator?
Ying: D**kweed? Don't they mean D-Weed?
Garland: That's an Orkin product.
Alexis: That could work too. Just not very effectively.
Jim: A dickweed manipulator, huh? Sounds like a pretty weird invention exchange if you ask
me...
(all the males cringe)
> TOM SERVO: Right, did you ever notice that she's even crazier than Dr.
> Forrester?
Adol: (Tom) She looks like a guy too.
> CROW: Well it was never in any script that she takes over after he
> disappears.
*CRASH!*
Garland: (looks back) We're running out of fourth wall plaster.
Kirin: Just go without. We always do.
> GYPSY: Hey guys, Yuffie's calling.
> ALL: Damn!
Jim: Ah, memories. Remember all the needless swearing in MST3k?
Ying: No.
Jim: Neither do I.
> YUFFIE: Good morning my moronic knuckleheads.
> TOM SERVO: Then again she doesn't sound too much different than
> Forrester.
Alexis: Actually, I think Dr. Forrester had that intangible feeling of...what's the word I'm
looking for?
Kirin: Plausibility?
Alexis: That's it.
> YUFFIE: Quiet you! Today I've found an extra interesting fanfic for you
> all, this one will help me extract my revenge on AVALANCHE and that idiot
> thief who killed me last time!
Adol: I dunno. What's wrong with this one?
> DAV'S VOICE: That's TREASURE Hunter you bloody whore!!!
Garland: Too bad he didn't say 'Relic Hunter' or we could have a big lawsuit pending.
> YUFFIE: EEeerrrrrgggghhhh!!! Send them the latest fanfic!
> SERENA: (Flips the switch)
Ying: FZZZZZZZZZ!!!
Alexis: (Yuffie) D'OH! NOT THAT SWITCH!
> YUFFIE: This one is called My Electronics Class and Cait Sith, enjoy!
(pause)
Kirin: Morgan! You never said anything about TWO stories!
Morgan (over mike): Blast it, you people are such crybabies.
> (Red alarm sounds.)
(Garland jumps up)
Garland: Fanfic sign! Fanfi...(pause) Sorry.
(He sits back down while Adol and Jim chuckle.)
> MIKE: Ooohh, we got fanfic sign, let's go.
Jim: They sound real panicked.
> They stumble into the theatre.
Alexis: Stumble? What, are they drunk?
Ying: If this thing has a character named 'Crow's Friend'...
Adol: Yeah, he'd probably keep saying "Kim Catrall, man!"
> ~ My Electronics Class and Cait Sith
Jim: Or Why Johnny Can't Blink.
> TOM SERVO: Why can't it be Our Electronics Class and Cait Sith, I'm
> sure they'd love to study any sophisticated robot like us right Crow?
Garland: (Crow) Psst, Tom. You're talking in run on sentences again.
> CROW: Never know.
> ~ By Jim
[Everyone looks at Jim.]
Jim: Hey! I'm a cardboard cutout! I can't write!
> MIKE: That's a real original name.
Jim: Hey!
Kirin: Like HE would be talking.
> TOM SERVO: It could be Jimbo.
> MIKE: You mean from Simpsons?
> TOM SERVO: No! Jimbo Bond!
Alexis: ...?
Garland: This thing has taken on a surreal Fellini visage here.
> ~ Science Teacher: OK today class we have a new student
Kirin: ...named Li. Say hi, Li!
Ying: You are not worthy of the Clow cards!
Kirin: This has been a Card Captor Sakura reference moment.
> MIKE: Please say it's not Kate Winslit!
Jim: Please say it IS! Rrrrrowr...
> CROW: No! It's Madonna!
> ALL: AAAAHHHH!!!!!!
Garland: Hmmm. Must not like women that much.
Alexis: Be fair, Garland. They've been in space for ten years.
> ~ (points at Cait Sith).
Adol: (teacher) Look at him! Isn't he ridiculous? Maybe if we laugh at him, he will go away.
> TOM SERVO: Whoop-dee s**t!
Kirin: Har har, harDEE har har.
Alexis: Come on, Tom! Where's that articulate wit we love so much?
Jim: I'll bet his next comeback is about a pleasant sucking feeling.
> ~ Cait Sith: Yah, yah, yah. C'mon Lets cut this Garbage.
Garland: When Jack the Ripper met Shirley Manson.
> CROW: (Singing) Who can take your diapers?
> TOM SERVO: (Singing) Clean 'em up for you!
> MIKE: (Singing) The Garbage man!
> ALL: (Singing) Oh the Garbage man can!
> CROW: With profuse apologies to Matt Groening.
(pause)
Ying: When the hell are WE gonna get an apology?
> ~ Teacher: OK. (pulls out
> TOM SERVO: Another copy of this fanfic!
Adol: Oh dear God, DON'T!
> CROW: Tetris Plus!
> MIKE: A copy of this episode!
> CROW/SERVO: HEY!
Alexis: YOU! Get off of my cloud!
Ying: ...said Aeris to Tifa in another fic.
*WHACK!*
Ying: OW!
> ~ a Golden pp7
> MIKE: (James Bond) I protest, that's only on my game!
Adol: (James Bond) I protest! That man's taking my name in vain!
Jim: See, now THIS would be a good moment to say 'Whoop-dee-s**t.'
> ~ and pulls trigger
Alexis: Ooh, poor Trigger.
Garland: Roy Rogers is gonna be mad.
> CROW: Hello? End of sequence?
> ~ .
> MIKE: It's the wily, elusive period!
> CROW: Catch it! Catch it!
> TOM SERVO: It's much more exciting than this.
Adol: I've never tried to comment on a period before.
> ~ Cait Sith: (flies backwards in a shower of sparks)
Ying: Hey, the MiSTed fic has even more going for it than the actual story.
Jim: What do ya mean?
Ying: This one has a shower scene!
Jim: Ha ha ha.
Garland: (to Alexis) You want to hurt them or should I?
> TOM SERVO: Hey! That's cruelty to animals! I'll tell the SPCA on you!
Kirin: Naw, too mild. Try PETA.
Alexis: (Tom) I'll call your mom! I'll call your supervisor! I'll publish a book and scar
your reputation!
> CROW: About time some action came, I was falling asleep already.
> MIKE: It's also about time that Cait took a shower.
Adol: (Tom) Speaking of which, Mike...
Ying: (Mike) Oh shush.
> ~ Class: COOL!
Jim: Yes kids, there's nothing like shooting a kawaii robot character that will get the
class's attention.
> TOM SERVO: Tooooooo much to drink.
> ~ Teacher: Just as I suspected
> MIKE: (Holmes) I say Watson, we've got a bit of a tizzy on our hands.
Jim: (Watson) No sh*t, Sherlock!
(Everyone reaches for their weapons/dull blunt objects)
Jim: Sorry! Sorry! Too good to resist!
> ~ another one of those cheap
> TOM SERVO: Cheap? You got that right!
> ~ Japanese imitation robotic cats made in Uti.
Adol: You mean abominable snowmen?
Garland: That's yeti, bonehead.
Kirin: It's in one ear and Uti other.
> TOM SERVO: (Cheesy announcer) Come to Uti for all your cheap imitation
> robotic cat needs!
> CROW: (Cheesy announcer) Have your credit card ready and dial 1-800-UTI,
> that's 1-800-UTI!
Jim: Offer void in Utah and American Samoa. Check local listings.
(Adol takes out his phone and places a call.)
> ~ (puts back PP7 and takes out a screwdriver and a scalpel.)
> MIKE: (Student) Hey professor, what else do you have in that coat?
Alexis: On second thought, don't answer that.
Garland: (teacher) Homemade firebomb and an M-16. Why'd you ask?
> ~ Student1
> TOM SERVO: Whoever heard of a name like student 1!?
Ying: Boy, these guys are really anti-namist!
Jim: (Tom) What kind of name is Sammy? What kind of name is Bob?
> CROW: The author apparently.
> ~ (with the voice of Ralph off the Simpsons):
Kirin: (Ralph) I bent my wookie!
> TOM SERVO: Ah! Another reason to sue, no disclaimer for the Simpsons!
Garland: Coming from the same people who were singing the garbage man song FROM the Simpsons.
Damn hypocrites.
Alexis: Feeling litigious today, Tom?
> CROW: (DISCLAIMER) The Simpsons is copyrighted Groening Enterprises
> or whatever the company is called.
Kirin: You know. THAT company. Whatever.
Ying: Gracie Films.
Kirin: Thanks.
(Adol hangs up)
Jim: Well?
Adol: Nobody spoke English over there.
> ~ He Ha! I wish my daddy were here.
> MIKE: (Student1) Yeah, I wet my pants again!
Alexis: More power to you then.
> TOM SERVO: (Student1's dad) I thought I told you to wear the rubber
> pants.
> MIKE: (Student1) But daddy, those rubber pants are hot and Sidney keeps
> teasing me!
Garland: (stands up) Dyne, this is NEITHER the TIME nor the PLACE!
Adol: Dude, don't talk back to the screen.
Garland: Sorry. (sits back down)
> CROW: (Student 1) But I already took care of that!
> MIKE: (Dad) How so?
Kirin: (Crow (Student1)) I wet 'em again!
> CROW: (Student1) I hit him with my purse!
> MIKE: Ha! Good one Crow.
Garland: Yup, definitely Fellini here.
> ~ Teacher: (puts Cait Sith on lab table)
Jim: Then he straddles it...
Alexis: Jim, no.
Jim: Sorry! Geesh, lady, you have your methods, I have mine.
> TOM SERVO: (Teacher) Please be quiet during the surgery, I don't want to
> accidentally kill the patient.
Adol: (stands up) YOU SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD YOU DOPE!
Garland: And you tell me not to yell at the screen...geez.
(Adol, embarrassed, sits down too.)
> MIKE/CROW: He already did!
> TOM SERVO: Poopie!
> ~ Now we will insert the scalpel on the chest of this robot
Alexis (in German accent): Zen vee vill tvist it und sever zee spinal cavitee like ZISS,
und...
Jim: (sweating) Can I get out of watching this on moral grounds?
Kirin: If you could get away with that, we'd have been out eons ago.
> MIKE: (The teacher singing) The little thing's connected to the... big
> thing. The big thing's connected to the... red thing! Oops, there goes
> my watch!
Adol: You know, for a guy who complains about the fanfic's references to the Simpsons, Mike
makes an awful lot of them himself...
> ~ and peel back the synthetic fur that had even the AVALANCHE team fooled.
Alexis: For you see, the AVALANCHE team are idiots.
Garland: After reading the fic, I'm not surprised.
> ~ Student2 (kicks moogle) What a wimpy stuffed animal
Kirin: The moogle then falls down and crushes him. The moral of this story, don't kick
moogles three times your size, you f**king retard!
> CROW: (Moogle) Just remember you little bastard I can uppercut you through the roof!
Jim: Is this really a Crow-ism?
Ying: Naw, it's just violent.
> ~ Student4: Hey it reminds me of Barny whose just gone through the
> ~ bleach machine!
Garland: (Student4) Ha ha! I am so witty! (whisper) What's a bleach machine?
Alexis: Dunno.
> TOM SERVO:(Sing to the Barney song) I hate you! You hate me, we're a
> typical American family!
Kirin: Ah, biting social commentary script-fic style! Kill me.
> MIKE: (Sings to a change of lyrics) With a big @$$ sword I stabbed him
> in the head! Now we know that Barney's dead!
Adol: (golf clap) The incomparable Brian Bull, ladies and gentlemen. Brian Bull.
Ying: Oh, please tell me it isn't like this! I feel so disappointed.
> ~ Teacher: Now that we have pulled back the synthetic cat fur we can now see
Jim: (Teacher) A nice big t-bone. And next to that we have the porterhouse...
> ~ the dermal heat generators and the endoskeletal structure.
Kirin: We can see that beneath his violent, swearing, drinking exterior, Cait's really a
nice person.
> TOM SERVO: What'd he say?
> CROW: He thinks Cait's a endoheating gerbil.
Alexis: Somebody's been playing Maniac Mansion again.
> ~ Student1: (picks up a screwdriver and rams it into a wire trailing out
> of Cait Sith )
Adol: (Student1) I claim this land for the Republic of North Corel!
> ~ YAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOO! ( He yells while getting electrocuted)
Ying: This is hardly a time to be thinking about internet browsers, Student1.
> MIKE: (Teacher) Hey can I try that?
> ~ Student4:
> CROW: Where's Student3?
Jim: He escaped, the lucky bastard.
> ~ (Pulls out water gun
Garland: LOOK OUT! HE'S GOT A GUN!
Adol: Now that's an example on what's wrong with this country. Loose school security!
> MIKE: (Student4) D-uh I wonder what happens if I pull the trigger while
> aiming at him?
Kirin: I dunno. Let's test, shall we?
> ~ and starts spraying Cait Sith's wire as well as student1)
Garland: (student4) Ha ha! I like hurting other people!
> CROW: (Student4) Lookit all the pretty fireworks!
Ying: So who's dumber -- the kids in the fic, or Mike and the Bots?
Alexis: Oooh, tough call...
> ~ Teacher: Stop it you two! Obviously you are having lots of fun but
Jim: Fun is liable to get you a failing grade!
> ~ these cheap robots have been know to have a serious electrical output
> ~ when in contact with water.
> TOM SERVO: (Teacher looking at an elementary electronics book) Uh, at least
> I think that's what happens.
> ~ (as if on cue
All: Wackiness ensues!
> Cait Sith begins convulsing and electrocuting student1, 2 , and 3.)
Kirin: It's ALIVE! ALIIIIIIVE! MWA HA HA!
> CROW: There's 3 but what about 4!
> ~ Teacher: (calls peramedics) Yeah we have had a slight problem here.
Alexis: (teacher) We're stuck inside a MiSTing within a MiSTing and we're cracking up.
Jim: (paramedic) What? Again? What kind of half-assed class are you teaching anyway?
> ~ Three of my students just got zapped.
Jim: (paramedic) You're in an episode of Urusei Yatsura again, aren't you?
> MIKE: (Paramedic) Listen sir if this happens one more time I 'm going to
> have your license revoked!
> ~ Ok see ya soon. Bye.
Alexis: (teacher) By the way. Could you bring us a large pepperoni piz...hello? Hello?
> TOM SERVO: (Teacher) Let's see, that's five times today, I guess that'll
> meet my quota for the week.
Garland: Remind me. Does this count as a meta-MiSTing?
Kirin: I think this barely counts as anything.
> ~ <![CDATA[ <bell rings> ]]>
Ying: The most intelligent line of the entire fic, folks.
Adol: (bell) RING! RING! Come on, it's FUNNY, damn you!
> MIKE: I've never seen a programming code for "bell rings" have you
> guys?
> CROW/SERVO: Nope!
Jim (Crow) But then again, we haven't seen a lot, truth be told...
> THE DISPOSAL
Kirin: (scary voice) Just when you thought it was safe to take out the garbage...
> CROW: Oooo, scary...
> MIKE/SERVO: Bum bum bum!
Alexis: Three bums in one!
> ~ It has turned out that this particular teacher has a knack for
Jim: Dancing the sarabande with gerbils in his underwear.
Adol: I had an English teacher like that.
Garland: What were the gerbils doing with his underwear?
All: Shhhh!
> seeking out androids and destroying them.
Kirin: Mr. Deckard was a very popular teacher at their school...
Adol and Garland: Whuh?
> MIKE: (Teacher) Let's see, now I've taken care of Data, R2-D2, and Cait
> Sith. I guess 3P0 is next, then maybe Tom Servo and Crow.
> SERVO/CROW: HEY!!!
Alexis: I don't think Joel would be very fond of you if you did that, Mike.
Jim: But they're not androids, they're just robots, and it doesn't make any sense! (he begins
to cry)
Ying: There, there, it's just a continuity error.
> ~ After having a ball dissecting tehm
Garland: That's a very talented ball.
Adol: No, it's the annual Dissection Ball they hold in the science labs every year.
> CROW: Tehms! The right way to relieve stomach pain!
Alexis: Really? I want some! This fic has been giving me pains for the past fifteen
minutes!
Jim: That's the last thing ANYBODY wants to hear coming from a woman.
Alexis: And if you don't want it to be the last thing you ever hear, I suggest you shut
up.
> ~ he has to find a way of disposing of them.
Garland: Course, stuffing them under the rug didn't work very well.
> ~ The way he does it is to fist cut tehm
Kirin: (Rocky) Cut me, Mendoza!
> TOM SERVO: I guess this guy really likes tehms!
> ~ up with a chainsaw
> MIKE: (Vincent) Ah ha ha ha!
Ying: I don't know. I think that more warrants an Evil Dead ref than Final Fantasy.
Adol: Or a Deliverance reference.
Garland: Deliverance! Duelling Banjoes! Ned Beatty!
All: AHHHHH!!!
> ~ and then to run them through a mulcher.
Jim: The teacher has real issues, it seems.
Garland: If Steve Buscemi shows up here, I am sending a letter of complaint.
> TOM SERVO: Isn't that a guy who doesn't pay back loans?
> MIKE/CROW: That's moocher!
Alexis: What happened to Tom's incredible vocabulary?
Ying: What vocabulary?
> ~ This is the most efficiant
> MIKE: Efficant, the new computer game that really really sucks!
Adol: Sequel to Brigandine.
Jim: Gee, and here I just thought it was a misspelling of efficient.
Kirin: This guy's worse than Alexis on the grammar flames...
Alexis: I resent that.
> CROW: I thought it was a world on Earthbound.
Garland: That'd be Magicant.
Alexis: Fanboy.
Ying: It scares me that they've actually heard of that game.
> ~ way of reducing them to small pieces other than incinerating them.
Kirin: So exactly how did this guy manage to get past the screening process for teachers?
> TOM SERVO: He then uses the pieces as the secret ingredient he puts in his
> kids' chocolate milk. Oh and Crow?
> CROW: What?
> TOM SERVO: I take back what I said about the title.
> CROW: Thank you.
Garland: (Tom) I still hate you though.
Ying: And thus a thick and harmonious friendship built upon a bad joke and zesty banana
pudding was formed.
> ~ As for the Moodel Mugel or whatever,
Alexis: That's Harry Potter's unmagical cow, innit?
Kirin: (Scottish) Ach, I'm making a moodel Mugel, and Oi'll be makin' a moodel Clood next!
> CROW: Moodel Mugle, isn't that some sort of Chinese food?
> ~ he gave it to his son and his son put it on his bed
Jim: Where it became famous on the stuffed animal sex circuit.
(Garland spits out his drink.)
Alexis: Don't DO that!
Jim: Sorry.
> ~ where it has satyed ever since.
> TOM SERVO: (Moogle) Hey! I'm still alive!
Kirin: I'm not dead yet! I'm getting better! I think I'll be able to go for a walk!
> ~ ...
Garland: (author) Ha ha! I DARE you to make fun of an ellipsis! I DARE you!
> MIKE: I guess that's it...
> CROW: Good let's get outta here!
Jim: They said it first!
(Everyone gets up to leave)
Morgan: (over mike) STOP THAT! You do not leave until I let you!
(groans as everyone sits down)
> They leave.
Adol: Two hours later...
> MIKE: Well that one was a lot shorter and a lot easier.
Garland: (Mike) Which was good. I'm just not feeling all that witty today.
Alexis: (Tom) We know!
> GYPSY: Yuffie wants you guys again!
> CAMBOT: (Puts Yuffie on-screen again)
Jim: How come Cambot never talks?
Kirin: He's a silent, strong type. That's why.
> YUFFIE: So how was this one?
> TOM SERVO: Actually I thought this one was quite interesting due to the
> fact that it is one of your former allies who is being slaughtered.
Ying: (Tom) Yes, a true masterpiece!
Alexis: (Crow) Especially after meeting them. Oy...
> YUFFIE: I know, isn't it great?!
> ALL: Uh... yeah.
Adol: No! Don't agree with her, you cattle!
> MIKE: Anyway I think you'd better hope that Cait doesn't see this episode.
Garland: Yeah. Don't want to INSPIRE him or anything.
*CRASH*
Morgan (over mike): Clean-up. Aisle five.
> YUFFIE: And why is that?
> SERENA: Uh Mistress, we're receiving a transmission.
Alexis: (Serena) And a gas tank and a motor, strangely enough. I think they've mistaken you
for Midgar Nissan again.
> YUFFIE: Fine, on screen.
> MIKE: Hey Yuffie you've been reading too many bad Star Trek fanfics
> before you send 'em to us!
Adol: And we can't me more thankful.
Kirin: Could be worse: She could be speaking like William Shatner.
> CROW: (Captain Kirk) Spock! Get that drivel out of your pants!
Jim: (Spock) It's a tribble, you fool!
(rimshot)
Jim: Thank you. Drive home safely.
> TOM SERVO: (Captain Picard) Captain's log... Parts of the ship are
> falling off and... nobody likes me.
Garland: (Picard) Captains Log...I feel that some fool is ripping off some lines from the
MST3K movie. At this time, I'm not sure if this is flattery or mockery. I need Rogaine.
> YUFFIE: All right knock it off! Open the channel!
> CAIT SITH: I saw this episode b***h! In part two of the fic you're
> dead!
> YUFFIE: Oooo... I'm soooooo scared.
Kirin: Ah. The rarely used "WWF Smackdown" style foreshadowing device.
> MIKE: Speaking of part two this intermission is over.
All: YESSSS!
Jim: Woo hoo! The first line I've liked in thirty pages!
Ying: But that means we have to watch the rest of the fic.
(a pause)
All: D'OH!
> SERVO/CROW: Oh... poopie.
> DYNE: Isn't it spelled p-o-o-p-y?
> MIKE: Well that's the way WE spell it okay?!
> DYNE: Sorry...
(Garland and Alexis leave.)
Jim: Ah...so Dyne has a God Complex and a Self Masochist Complex?
Ying: No, that was a joke.
Jim: A joke? That?
Adol: Come on, guys. Break.
Kirin: This would be a good time to go get a cheese sammich to hold yourself over, folks.
(the others leave)
[switch to story mode]
The intercom beeped.
CEO Nwabudike Morgan, idly looking at the stars beyond the wondow, turned impatiently and
clicked on the receiver. "Morgan."
"Good evening, sir. Comptroller Fine reporting from the holotheater."
"Holotheater? What are you doing there?
"You told me to let you know if something developed with the theatergoers."
"What theatergoers?"
"The people that you abducted from certain universes to suit your goal to find a psychological
weapon more potent than Yoko Ono, sir."
"Oh, THOSE. You could have said that earlier, Comptroller...erm..."
"Fine, sir."
"I'm fine too. Thanks."
"No, CEO Morgan. My NAME is Comptroller Fine."
"Ah..."
A pause.
"You DID want to hear this, sir?"
"Yes. Go on."
"Well, they were released on the intermission break as scheduled at the midhalf. That meant
a thirty minute rest and relaxation period before re-entering, as recommended by the
Forrester Act of K428. It was a very poignant ending after that other MiSTing that..."
"What?"
"It was that scene with Mike Nelson, Crow and Tom Servo, characters from Mystery Science
Theater 3000, on which this experiment you organized is almost an exact duplicate."
"In the story, right?"
"Right, sir. As dictated in the synopsis that lab techs wrote for us."
"The ones that got nerve stapled after they stripped naked and shouted about their chi
powers?"
"That same group, sir."
"Okay, I'm familiar now."
"Well, continuing, here's the stats. The cardboard cutout is lying flat on one of the tables,
groaning. I guess in pain. The sock puppet is nearby, and it looks like it's imbibing an
obscene amount of the aspirin we laid out."
"The others?"
"The red-haired one is passed out in one of the corners. The others are currently in the
bathroom."
"Doing what?"
"Looks like...vomiting, sir."
A pause.
"Really?"
"Really."
"Comptroller Fine, give yourself a peanut cheese bar break on me."
"Why...thank you, CEO Morgan."
The channel was closed, and Morgan looked out his window again. The stars were shining, and
the subjects were in the throes of pure confusion and disorientation.
This was only the beginning.
[END FEED]
This story will be concluded in the explosive finale in Part Two. Well, finale, anyway.
Original Story by: Dyne
Riffing by: Bodger, Darth Kirby, and R. Jak.
Main Editing by: R. Jak
Refreshments supplied by: R. Jak's mother
Writing props are as follows:
Opening by R. Jak, Darth Kirby, and Bodger.
First Skit ("Morgan Learns To Intimidate") By R. Jak
Second Skit ("Rules of FF Script Fiction") By Bodger
Bookend ("What Experiment?") By R. Jak
View the homesites!
Bodger (bodgerkirin@hotmail.com)
http://www.angelfire.com/d20/bodger/SoA.html
Darth Kirby (georgebobolink@hotmail.com)
http://www.angelfire.com/ak/captainoftheexplorer/mst4k.html
R. Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com)
http://members.nbci.com/RipperJak/news.htm
and Dyne (paradised@yahoo.com)
http://www.crosswinds.net/~gunarm_dyne
Copyright MultiMiST. All respected rights reserved.
All comments were satirical and were not aimed as a personal attack on the writer concerned.
And we seriously mean that. So stop taking potshots at us from the book depository. Really.
\\ Red XIII: Holy crap! It's flying by farting! //
The Mystery Science Theater 3000 concept & related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best
Brains Inc., whereas the MiSTing avatars are copyright of their respective authors. Sailor
Moon, DragonBall Z, Final Fantasy, Xenogears, and the other characters who crop up in random
places are copyright some other random Japanese people.
This story and respected numerous original characters copyright of Dave Paradise (AKA Dyne).
And as we said before, Dyne, we mean you no harm. We like you as a person, and the serious
fanfics are cool, but script-type fanfics with self-inserted characters scare us to no end.
So we may not be generous in some areas than we hoped. Therefore, consider this as C & C.
With a bite.
TRK in association with MST4k and MAT3k present:
MultiMiST #001: Extreme Crossover Havoc
Co-Misted by Bodger (bodgerkirin@hotmail.com), Darth Kirby (georgebobolink@hotmail.com), and
R. Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com)
Featured story: "AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon" by Dyne (paradised@yahoo.com)
Part Deux
Beginning transmission...
*****
For those of you not familiar with the story so far, here is a quick and thorough summary.
*CEO Nwabudike Morgan, head of Morgan Industries acquired the rights to a fanfic known as
"AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon", a device so volatile it temporarily robbed the sanity of certain
people who read it. After using it as an effective torture device to political prisoners,
Morgan soon grew convinced that he himself can test the wills of entire systems with the
story.
*In order to do a fair test, Morgan abducted six subjects from three corners of the universe.
First he acquired two out of work RPG characters known as Dark Knight Garland (Final Fantasy 1)
and Adol Christian (Ys series). Then, after a few days research, he abducted two paroled
avatars named Alexis Davenport and Kirin Torak. When plans to abduct Brak and Zorak fell
through, Morgan decided to fill up the two spaces with a sock puppet named Ying and a
cardboard replica of Jim Carrey.
*Early on, reactions were satisfactory. The subjects were a bit upset with the unorthodox
depictions of certain canon characters and reacted with barely concealed rage with the self-
inserted characters' tendency to display unheroic talents and dispensation to rely on potty
humor. With the story half finished and the worst yet to come, Morgan has organized a long
break for the group.
* And so, while the group takes a break once again for snacks, we are left to reflect...what
about the fate of the others left behind?
********************
"GONE?!?" Judicator Aldaris shouted from the vidscreen. "What in the name of the Khala and the
Eighteen Prophets do you mean GONE?"
"That's what I said, boss," Dekar explained, sweatdropping intensely. "Garland and Adol were
doing some maintenance on the power drive so we can hook up the Dreamcast, and when I bring in
lunch, they disappeared. Voom. Vanished into thin air."
"Well, that is just great." Aldaris pouted. He then looked back. "You sure they have not...
escaped, do you?"
"We hope not," Gamma replied. "It would be kind of rude for them to leave us behind."
Zeratul leaned into the shot. "I am not sure on that respective hypothesis," he replied. "You
did have a tendency to be a bit annoying and..."
Aldaris silenced his minion with a backhand. "Well, anyway, it seems we will have a while to
discuss and relocate your companions. It should not take long."
"That means you're not going to do the experiment?" Dekar asked, hopefully.
"I implied no such thing."
"Nice try, Don King," Gamma growled in response.
"Actually, you might find this very interesting," Aldaris continued while lifting up a tape
which radiated evil. "I ran across an old friend from my days at the mad scientist academy who
had this nice Resident Evil fanfiction cooling on his shelf. Considering the situation, I
believe this will be sufficient for today."
Dekar and Gamma looked at each other.
"I believe Adol wanted a Resident Evil fanfiction," Dekar replied. "Can't you wait until he
comes back?"
"I only rented it for 48 hours and believe me," Aldaris's eyes glowed red for a second, "I
prefer to get this over with."
"And...this would be?"
"Something by an author called PJ," Aldaris put the tape in. This was the most rewarding part
of his job, hearing the shrieks of his captives.
"Enjoy."
********************
Some characters, when various members of their satellite disappear, might be inclined to
actually go out and look for them.
In Crow 2 and Hibichi's case, the absence of the responsible adults meant all the games of
Pokeball baseball they could play and an unlimited supply of RAM chips and Pocky.
Of course, this was quickly ended as a result of two factors: one, the Pocky soon ran out, and
two, a very, VERY grumpy SI just so happened to get beaned by a Pokeball upon emerging onto
the bridge.
The two avatars froze as the small red-and-white device flew towards the door and smacked
Bodger point blank on the forehead. Holding the ball in her left hand and rubbing the sore
spot with her right, she glared balefully at the two of them and snapped, "What the hell was
THAT? Why aren't Kirin and Alexis stopping you two?"
Hibichi stared down at his feet. "Um, actually the two of them vanished a couple hours ago
while we were fixing a plot hole in the hallway," he mumbled.
"WHAT? And how long were you going to wait before you TOLD ME?" Bodger screeched.
"Sore wa, himitsu desu," he replied.
"Oh, shut up. Computer, locate Kirin and Alexis NOW," the Queen of the Satellite demanded.
"Kirin Torak and Alexis Davenport are currently participating in a crossover," replied the
computer in its digital way.
"CROSSOVER? I never okayed a crossover! Who's the grandmaster?"
The computer made a series of very electronic sounds. "Name is registered as Centauri
resident CEO Nwabudike Morgan."
"Huh, a newbie, eh? We'll soon sort THIS out!" She pulled out a small cell phone and dialed
an incredibly long number. "Hello, Central Office? Get me the head of Crossovers NOW." She
tapped her foot impatiently as an orchestral version of "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" played on
the other end. Finally, she seemed to reach the person she was calling.
"Hello, I'd like to report an unregistered crossover. The grandmaster's name is Nwabudike
Morgan. ...Yeah, that's right, Morgan. Why... er, who again? ...That rich, huh... and how
many lawyers? ...uh huh. Er, wow... carry on, then." She hung up and looked at the others.
"Folks, I think we're gonna have to wait awhile before they come back."
"Yeah, that's really telling them, Bodger," said Crow 2 sarcastically.
"Shut up."
********************
On the lonely 3rd Floor of Normal West High School, Joel hungrily munched on a bag of Doritos
as his newest episode of Ranma 1/2 danced on the screen.
"Yowza! Get a load of Shampoo's-oh, Jim isn't here."
Joel munched on a few more chips as the Mads light finally flashed. A channel was opened.
"Hey, Mr. N. What's new with you?" Joel replied.
"Not much, joyless minion. And you?" laughed the overtly evil Mr. Dave Nelson, Physics teacher
and Mad Scientist.
"Jim and Ying vanished into thin air."
"Who?"
"Never you mind," insisted Joel. "But I'm too busy for an experiment today."
"Oh, are you?"
"Yeah, I've gotta work on the funeral arrangements."
"Oh, I understand. I had to arrange a funeral before," admitted Mr. Nelson.
"Really? Whose?"
"Tod's," Mr. Nelson smiled, referring to his incompetent assistant, "He just doesn't know it
yet."
"You really ought to quit killing him. It can't be good for his health," moaned Joel.
"Quiet, prole! Fine, you get today off, but tomorrow we're talking about Whitney Matheson
marathon!"
The line blinked out and Joel found himself alone again. That's when he noticed that Angela
had entered the room.
"So they just vanished?" she asked, her voice filled with a melancholy worry.
"Yeah. I suppose I'm going to have to write the eulogies."
"I'll help," Angela said hurriedly.
Joel smiled and pulled out a pen.
"I'd like that."
********************
Meanwhile, Morgan convinced the group to go back into the theater. And so, the second part of
the torture begun.
[Switching to script mode]
All: Here we go again...
> AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon: The Conclusion
> By Dyne
(riotous applause)
Adol: Alright! Thirty pages to go!
> (At the Sailor Scouts' base)
Jim: Super secret agent Joanna Dark began infiltration.
> Yuffie: Now?
> Girls: (Sounding bored) Yes...
Kirin: (Yuffie) Really?
All: No.
Jim: No, twenty minutes ago. YES, now!
> Yuffie: It was I who took over-
> Girls: (Still sounding bored) Wrong line...
> Serena: Start with your next one.
Ying: (Yuffie) Just sit there and yawn?
Kirin: (Girls) That's our line!
> Yuffie: Sor-ry! *Ahem*
Adol: (Yuffie, singing) Oh my hero, so far away...
(Kirin covers Adol's mouth.)
> Yes! Soon the world will be mine! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-
Ying: See, why *write* dialogue when your characters can just laugh evilly?
> Girls/Cid: (Just stand there and yawn)
Jim: It's official, folks. Straight from the characters' mouths, this stuff is BORING.
> Yuffie: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cid: What makes you so damn sure!?
> Yuffie: Once the threat of your friends and my former allies has been
> eliminated
Kirin: (Yuffie) I will hold the world at ransom for...one MILLION dollars.
> I will easily be able to discover the correct fanfic to
> rule the world! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-
Adol: She's officially laughed more than Kefka did in the entirety of Final Fantasy VI.
> Serena: (Whispers to Cid) Looking for those bad fanfics made her mind
> snap a little.
Ying: We all go a little mad sometimes...
Morgan: (over mike) Tell us about it.
(Garland and Alexis come back in with refreshments.)
Alexis: Did we miss anything?
Ying: No.
Garland: Pity.
> Cid: (Whispers back) No s**t.
> Yuffie: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Now, take him to the
> dungeon and subject him to the most horribly painful sort of torture
> known to man!
Jim: It has nothing to do with Mr. Winky and a sharp knife, does it?
Alexis: Now really...
Jim: What? I was just asking.
> Cid: F**k! Don't tell me you're going to have 'em strip!
Garland: He said torture, bonehead.
> Yuffie: Much worse. Take his cigarettes!
Ying: Then take his nicotine patches! Then take his nicotine gum! Then take his nicotine
Weight Watcher's meals! Then take his nicotine Jolly Ranchers! And then he'll be upset.
> Cid: F******************************************************K!!!
Jim: Oh, that just means "From early on, I realized that smoking is quite bad for me.
JFK!!!"
Garland: JFK?
Jim: He was a staunch supporter.
Adol: Is it too late to hit him?
Alexis: Get in line.
> (At the hideout. Steel, Spanky, Goku, and Fei are still playing Smash
> Bros.)
Kirin: Clearly, they've got their priorities straight.
> Spanky: (Playing as Luigi)
Garland: The part of Luigi will be played by some freakin' monkey.
> I don't see why we couldn't have made it a team battle!
Jim: I don't see why we couldn't skip this scene all together, but that's life.
> Steel: (As Kirby) This is Goku and Fei's first time, we had to make it
> a free-for-all.
Alexis (Steel): Yes, rather than relying on team support and possibly standing a chance by
helping one another out, we initiate newbies by making it every man for himself.
Adol: There's a Darwinistic moral in there somewhere.
> Goku: (As Fox)
Garland: So he got his tail back. That's good.
> And I suck! Getting blown off my own ship! (Gets shot off by an
> arwing) S**t! Falco I'm gonna blow your @$$ to another dimension!
Ying: A dimension, not of sight or sound, but at least it doesn't have these bozos there.
> Fei: (As Ness) I love this! I'm really kicking some serious @$$!
> (Picks up a hammer and hits everyone off) Yee ha!
Jim: I don't know about you guys, but I'm beginning to feel a bit-
Ying: Don't say it!
Jim: Hammered!
(Garland cold cocks Jim with the sword handle.)
Kirin: I guess that's why they call it "Smash" Brothers.
Alexis: Dude, you ripped a hole in his head.
Ying: 'Salright. I got duct tape. (he looks around) God knows how I can apply it.
> (Upstairs)
> Tifa: Now you know why you shouldn't bring your own drinks in here,
> Bart.
Adol: (Bart) It didn't stain the sheets that badly! Gimme a break!
> Bart: (Shocked) He stole my "Bartweiser"..
> Cait's Friend: (Chugging the last can) Tequila man!
> Cait Sith: He's going to have a major hangover tomorrow.
Jim: Methinks he'll be too drunk to notice.
Garland: If he doesn't collapse into a coma and choke on his own vomit first. He's been
drinking since the beginning of the fic, for Skuld's sake.
> Red XIII: No s**t Sherlock! He's drunk every bottle that had anything
> to do with alcohol!
Garland: Gotta admit. He's thorough.
Adol: (Tifa) Unfortunately, that includes that can of finish that I left in the dining room.
Ying: (Red XIII) Over by the credenza?
Adol: (Tifa) Oh, yes. Now he's going to die... finally.
>Cait's Friend: (Chugging a bottle of Dayquil) Tequila man!
Kirin: What kind of idiot would go to that level of desperation?
(Jim coughs)
Adol: Spill it, Carrey.
Jim: Well, I once went to a church Bingo session to feed my gambling habit.
(pause)
Ying: Jim, this is the first time you've left the 3rd floor. How the hell did you get to a
Bingo parlor?
Jim: Oops! Sorry. I thought I was David Alan Grier again.
Alexis: There's never a trebuchet when you really need one...
> Bart: He stole my "Bartweiser"...
> Vegeta: (Finally pulls his tongue out of Aeris' throat) Damn, all the
> way through the intermission, that's a record.
Kirin: Meanwhile, Aeris has choked to death on Vegeta's tongue and is slowly going into rigor
mortis.
Adol: (blinking) That's... dark.
Kirin: Thanks!
> Barret: Your line, foo'!
Garland: (Vegeta) Excuse me, but I'LL tell you if it's my line or not!
> Vegeta: Oh, sorry. I think Cloud should be done by now.
> Aeris: We'll wait for him.
Adol: As opposed to taking the Highwind out and going to Switzerland?
Alexis: They can't do that.
Adol: Why not?
Garland: Cid's the only guy who knows how to drive it.
> Vegeta: Okay! (Shoves his tongue back in)
Ying: Oh, what mighty powers the Saiyans behold...
Kirin: Have you ever noticed most lemons concentrate on Cloud and Tifa rather than Cloud and
Aeris?
Garland: That's because more authors respect Aeris as a person.
Jim: And she's less stacked.
Garland: I'd think that as irrelevant.
Adol: No. I'd consider that a factor.
> Cloud: (Walks in) That bastard Dav is a traitor!
> Vincent: A traitor?
Alexis: (Vincent) Well, I don't see anything wrong with that... I mean, it's a nice healthy
profession, and it's good for the economy...
Ying: (Cloud) That's TRAITOR, not TRADER!
Alexis: (Vincent) You just figured that out? Boy, you ARE as dim as they say.
> Tifa: What'd he do?!
> Cloud: I was interrogating the Sailor b***h and he suddenly attacked
> me from behind! Then ran out!
Jim: (Cloud) ... of barbecue sauce! I don't know why I'm bringing this up, but it just
made me so mad!
> Barret: Dat foo'! But we shoulda seen him.
> Cloud: He cut a hole in the back wall and ran off with her through
> there!
Kirin: Ya know, cutting a hole in the back wall doesn't sound like such a bad idea right
around now...
Alexis: Too late. Garland already tried that.
Ying: And?
(Garland holds up a chipped sword)
Adol: Ouch.
> Tifa: Well, the Atma Weapon does have that power.
Jim: But we still need some concrete evidence! A blood sample, a torn fuku, anything!
> Cloud: And right before she was about to spill their guts on who their
> f**king leader is!
Ying: How could she spill their guts?
Kirin: Maybe they're all anorexic.
> Cait Sith: Did you at least learn where their base is?
> Cloud: On a chain of islands south of Hyrule.
> All: Hyrule?!
> Bart: He stole my "Bartweiser"...
Alexis: Non-sequitur of the year, folks!
Adol: Hyrule stole his "Bartweiser"? That foolish little third-world country!
> Red XIII: Maybe Link'll be available now.
> Vincent: I don't know, he may still be caught up in that marriage
> nonsense he put himself in.
Ying: Yes, the moral of the Zelda games was that it's wrong to help people because they'd be
chased by women.
> Tifa: The least we could do is get him away from that fish b***h. He
> did help us last time.
Alexis: Waiiit... weren't they just trying to blow up Hyrule a while ago?
Garland: They were calling him fairy boy too.
[pause]
Alexis and Garland: LOGIC NOT IN BUILDING AGAIN!
> Cait/Barret/Red/Vince/Cloud: Not by much, though.
> Tifa: Well anyway, let's go to Hyrule and get him!
All: Do we HAVE to?
Ying: Yeah, they've got to do something while the Mercury/Dav plot develops.
> Cloud: Come on you two!
> Vegeta: (Takes his tongue out, AGAIN!) Oh nuts...
> Bart: (Finally out of shock) Better get the four downstairs. (Heads
> down)
Jim: Yes. Go get those...four. Those four with the great personalities who we often remember.
> Aeris: What about Cait's Friend and Steve?
Alexis: What ABOUT Cait's Friend and Steve?
Adol: KILL THEM! KILL THEM!
> Steve: Babes!
> Vegeta: I don't know.
Adol: Didn't you hear me?!? KILL THEM! NOOOOW!
> Cait's Friend: Fejita man!
> Vegeta: I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME THAT YOU F**KIN' LOSER!!!
> EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! HA!!! (Blows Cait's Friend into
> another dimension.)
> Cait's Friend: Teeeeeeeeequuuuuiiiiiillllaaaa maaaaaan!!! (Disappears)
Adol: THANK YOU! Now get the perv!
Ying: Nooo! The only remotely likable character in the whole fic! Gone!
(Cait's Friend flies across the room and lands on the far side of the theater.)
Garland: Oh great. Did he have to blow him into OUR dimension?
Morgan: (over mike) Security. Restrain the drunk.
(A few servbots drag the body off)
Cait's Friend: Tequila ma...BLAAAAARGH!
Alexis: Ew.
> Red XIII: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That takes care of him!
> Barret: We gonna hafta take dat foo' Steve with us!
Garland: Yeah. Maybe they'll find a place to bury him.
> Steve: Babes!
> Vincent: But we'd better wait until tomorrow, it's getting dark.
> (Downstairs)
All: Oh no. Not again.
> Steel: Die you Saiyin pussy!
> Goku: Oh come on! I'm sick of that line! (Hits Kirby off with a
> lightsaber)
Adol: Ha! I think Kirby is way too well trained in the dark side of the force to fall
for...
Ying and Jim: YES! Ha ha! Take THAT, Kirby!
Adol: I'm detecting some real issues here.
> Ha! Not even the defeat of a Saiyin warrior will make the Saiyin
> stronger!
Kirin: That sentence just isn't parsing. I'm sorry.
Alexis: (Goku) However, a strict diet regimen and loose fitting red clothing helps too.
> Fei: (Grabs Fox and throws him off) Looo-hoo-hoo-ho-ser!!!
> Goku: Poopy!
> Spanky: Fei wins again!
Garland: (angrily) KILL SPANKY! KILL KILL KILL!
Adol: Whoa. Settle down, Garl.
> Steel: Now where is Dav? He could beat Fei.
Jim: THIS Fei could be defeated by a good conk on the head.
> Bart: (Comes down) Dav betrayed us all!
> All: HUH?!
> Bart: He attacked Cloud and ran away with the prisoner.
> Spanky: Well that utterly SUCKS!!!
Ying: Well spoken, Spankmeister.
Alexis: He puts his feelings of betrayal and anger so ELOQUENTLY!
Garland: KILL SPANKY! KILL HIM!
Jim: Um...whoa.
> Bart: But we know where their base is so tomorrow we're going to
> attack it. But before that, we're stopping at Hyrule to get Link.
> Goku: Not the fairy boy!
Adol: No. Parade Kid's not coming.
> Bart: Too bad!
Kirin: See, now I'm still confused. Does he like Nintendo or hate it?
Alexis: It's a very bipolar relationship.
> (On Round Island the sun is slowly setting)
Jim: ...and the residents are finding themselves doomed to a burning death.
Kirin: And he says I'm getting dark.
> Dav: (Leaning against a tree, facing away from Sailor Mercury,
> watching the sunset.)
Ying: (Dav) Is a far, far better place that I go to than I have ever known. Is a far, far
better rest than I will ever know...
Adol: (Sailor Mercury) What is it, Dav?
Ying: (Dav) Just a message Spock was trying to tell me...on my birthday...
> You know, I don't even know your name.
> Sailor Mercury: (Sitting in the grass next to a small fire) Well as
> Sailor Mercury I'm simply called Sailor Mercury.
Alexis: Really? Gee, I thought they called you "Moldiver."
Kirin: Actually, when she puts that visor on, she DOES kinda resemble her...
> Dav: (Laughs) Yeah, I figured that.
Garland: (Dav) Yeah, I knew that the whole time. (To himself) Stupid Dav! Stupid! Stupid!
> Sailor Mercury: I'm not Sailor Mercury the whole time.
Adol: Why not?
Garland: It's not a good idea to wear a fuku ALL the time, idiot.
> (Reverts) As a normal person my name is Amy Anderson.
Kirin: No relation to Gillian, of course.
> Dav: (Turns around to see her in her reverted form)
Garland: (Dav) OH MY GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
> Amy? Nice name, for a nice girl.
Adol (Amy) And your name's Dav? Stupid name for a stupid boy.
> Amy: I'll bet you say that to all the girls.
> Dav: Actually no. I vowed to never love again after my friend was
> killed in the explosion...
> Amy: Explosion?!
Ying: That's what happens when you don't lay off the beans, Dav.
> Dav: (Sighs) I guess I should tell you everything.
All: Please do!
Adol: While you're at it, explain Cait's friend, willya?
> (Looks at her) But before I'd better wash you a little more. (Walks
> over to a nearby stream and dips a piece of cloth in the water)
Ying: Whoa-ho-ho. He really DOES move quickly.
Jim: Nightime Nurses from Jersey ain't got nothing on this.
Alexis: ...Damn. Even I think that's dirty.
> Amy: (Watches him as he moves closer) That cloth, for some reason it
> seems very important to you. It's age gives it all away.
Garland: (Amy) Not to mention the food stains, and the moth holes... okay, so maybe it
DOESN'T mean that much to you.
> Dav: (Kneels down and washes her bleeding spots)
Jim: I hope it's not her time of the month-
*WHACK*
Alexis: Ow! I got a paper cut!
Jim: (chuckling) Even cardboard cutouts have their natural defenses.
> This was my great-great-great-grandfather's bandana.
Kirin: (Amy) Didn't respect him much, did you?
> His name was Locke, one of the heroes who destroyed Kefka 200 years
> ago. I'm his only living descendant.
All: Oh...
Adol: Some guy didn't like thieves then.
Garland: Treasure hunters, nimrod.
Adol: Right.
> Amy: That sword you use, was that also your grandfather's?
Jim: (Dav) Nope. Stole it from some wuss named Obi-Wan.
> Dav: Yeah, it's called Atma Weapon. It changes it's holder's power
> into a sword. But for some reason only I can use it.
Ying: So really, what proof do we have that it works that way? What if it just responded to
the level of cheese in the holder's body?
Garland: Excuse me, but don't mention cheese during this.
Ying: Sorry.
> (Finishes washing her) There, you look much better. (Stands up)
Alexis: (Dav) It might get infected, but it isn't my fault.
> Amy: I also thought I'd never be attracted to someone... but after
> the first time I met you...
Jim: (Amy) ...I realized I'd never be attracted to anyone but women.
> Dav: I know what you mean, the same thing happened to me. Well anyway
> the story.
Kirin: (Dav, in funny voice) I was the son of a poor Phillipino merchant...
> I have no idea where I was born, I've never met my real mother.
(Garland takes out a violin and starts playing a weepy tune)
> I grew up in Gongaga village under the false name, Dave Linshire.
Kirin: Just as long as it wasn't "Dave Lister," or else I'd have to shoot him.
Adol: (Dav) That Rimmer was a smeghead, I kin tell ye that.
> I was taken to Gongaga when I was about a year old and the first
> thing I ever remember hearing was my mother saying to the Linshire
> family,
Ying: (mother) Good God, this baby's ugly.
> "His name is Dav." But I never believed that until much later.
Alexis: Oooh, yeah. I have a hard time believing my name is Alexis Davenport.
Kirin: Or that my name's Kirin Torak.
> Amy: So you did know your real name early on?
> Dav: I denied it. I thought I'd be Dave Linshire forever. But only a
> couple of years ago I learned that I was right.
(Adol starts writing down something in a book.)
> At that time I also learned my false name was used to protect my
> heritage.
> Amy: It must have been painful.
> Dav: (Sighs again) It was.
(Jim looks over Adol's shoulder.)
Adol: Do you mind?
Jim: Sorry. Thought you were doodling.
(Garland continues his violin solo.)
> I grew up with my friends Zack Garek and Jessika Leifa. She was the
> one killed.
Ying: Yeah! His close friend Zack and Jessika! I'll bet ya Shera was also a close family
friend of his.
Kirin: He was school buddies with Chocobo Joe and Butch, too.
Alexis: And he loved Lucretia like a mother...
> Amy: So you named your chocobo after your friend?
Adol: (Dav) Nah, I named my chocobo after Jesicca from the Sweet Valley High series. Those
were great books...
> Dav: Yeah, Jessika was my teacher's daughter.
Kirin (Amy) Didn't like her that much either, eh?
Alexis: I think it's sweet.
Jim: Naming a smelly bird after a dead friend is not what I'd call sweet. (looks at Adol)
What ARE you doing anyway?
Adol: Writing down the back story. It sounds good.
(Garland stops playing)
Garland: You mean you've been FOLLOWING this?
Adol: Why not?
> He was the only one other than my parents who knew my heritage and
> was the one who told me the truth. Rand gave me Atma Weapon and the
> bandana.
Kirin: A big rhino from Breath of Fire II gave him the Atma Weapon and a bandanna?
Ying: He was paying him back for giving him a bit part in another RPG.
> Amy: What caused the explosion?
> Dav: There was a mako reactor in the village.
Alexis: A mako reactor? Does that make sharks?
Jim: Maybe it makes bad Jimmy Buffet songs.
> I was off in the Shinra elite group SOLDIER at the time.
Garland: He WOULD.
Ying: He was assigned to the SI Squad with Zor the Man, Darren Vicks, and DJ Croft.
> Zack entered the army three years before me and he disappeared on a
> mission five years ago, no one's heard from him since. Cloud knows
> what happened but won't talk about it.
Alexis: (Cloud) Hi, my name is Cloud! I know what happened to your friend Zack. It's a
chilling story that I'm sure would make you happy to hear, but I can't tell you since I'm
busy staring at shiny objects. Thanks!
Jim: (Dav) After that conversation, I was pretty sure he was the one who killed him.
> Anyway the explosion's true cause is still unknown. My family was
> blamed and killed. I would've been killed also
Garland: But he's the self-insertion and he had immunity.
Adol: (keeps writing, then looks up) How'd you spell 'annihilation'?
> but my loyalty to the service only prompted Shinra to kick me out of
> SOLDIER, I was lucky.
Kirin: I'll say! That movie was terrible!
> Amy: What did you do then?
Ying: Went into refrigerator maintenance.
> Dav: I went east to Fort Condor where I lived for two months.
Alexis (Dav) I became known only as Condorman.
> I needed to return home but the only port to its continent was the
> city where the army's headquarters was located and they would've
> killed me.
Jim: They let him go anyway. One less mouth to feed.
> I snuck up into the city anyway, sabotaged their airship, killed my
> former commanding officer, and fled on a cargo ferry.
Alexis: In typical Marissa Picard style, no doubt.
Ying (Dav) It was just one of those spur of the moment things. Like when I held off the
Mongol hordes using only a jar of pickles and a dog named Winky.
> Little did I know that Cloud and his group would be there only a week
> later. Also that sabotage of the airship influenced many of the
> events in Cloud's journey, but I was too wrapped up with my problems
> to care.
Adol: It was his "goth Tortellini Domino period" probably.
> Amy: Am I hurting you by having you tell this story?
Ying: (Dav) YES! Thanks for asking!
Jim: (Amy) Could you continue then?
Ying: (Dav) You're not one of those weird S&M freaks, are you?
Jim: (Amy) Come on, I hang out with the Sailor Scouts!
Ying: (Dav) That's disgusting! And yet undeniable erotic...
Garland: Your pain will be legendary if you keep that up.
Jim and Ying: Whatever...
> Dav: Actually no. I usually hate to even think about it, it usually
> leaves me cold and cruel for hours,
Alexis: (Dav) Then I do crochet and everything settles down.
> but to you I don't have that problem. Anyway, after I got home and
> saw the damage I nearly committed suicide. But Rand stopped me and
> told me the truth.
Adol: (Rand) Kid, you're an SI and you stink. Piss off.
> After receiving Atma Weapon I headed north and encountered an iron
> golem
Garland: So it IS set in Breath of Fire 2!
Jim: I bet he had Katt as a girlfriend for a while, then.
Garland: (angry) Don't...even...joke about that.
> attacking a chocobo. That was the first battle where I used the Atma
> Weapon.
Kirin: (Dav) I flew straight into a tree and the golem died laughing.
> It's power is incredible!
Jim: It's festibularly awesomorama normirific!
Adol: Are any of those real words?
Jim: Just be picky, why don't you.
> Amy: You don't have to stand up you know. Sit.
All: Good doggie.
> Dav: Okay. (Sits next to her) I utterly annihilated the golem and the
> chocobo
Garland: YES!
> wouldn't leave me alone
Garland: Aw, dammit.
> so I decided to keep her. I was extremely scared the first time we
> went over water also.
Jim: I suppose being fired at by Geena Davis on her pirate ship didn't help either.
> Anyway it turned out that she was the last wild gold chocobo on the
> planet.
Adol: (writing) Had a real half-assed streak of luck involving wildlife.
> I named her after Jessika and we worked as monster hunters.
Ying: It was a tough time. No social interaction, no money, no real food. He would have to
go for weeks without insulting someone.
> Amy: (Moves closer to him and puts her head on his shoulder)
> Dav (Surprised): After about six months I met the AVLANCHE team after
> by accidentally reviving one of their friends
Garland: (Dav) Yeah, but Cloud was sore at me for a while after that.
> and helping them to defeat a giant monster they invited me to live
> with 'em. And I've been living on and off with 'em ever since.
Jim: And he's been a potty mouthed plot device ever since.
Adol: (takes out pad) Okay, to recap, folks. Dav is Locke's descendent, the only one able to
use Atma Weapon despite the fact anybody with sword ability could use it in the game, was best
friends with Zack, made it into SOLDIER when Cloud didn't, wasn't killed outright by SOLDIER
when they kicked him out, revived Aeris, and is an honorary member of AVALANCHE.
(silence)
Garland: ...*sob*...
Kirin: There there. We'll bring Bodger over to your Satellite sometime and you can take your
aggressions out on her.
> Amy: What do you do when you're not living with 'em?
Jim: Chasing after people in sailor outfits.
> Dav: Either Dyne doesn't write me into his fics (God forbid) or I'm on
> vacation.
> Dyne: I'm feeling that this is getting too serious here!
*CRASH!!!*
Ying: (Dav) Do you mind? I'm trying to score!
Garland: (Dyne) Too bad! She's MY girlfriend now!
> Dav/Amy: Too bad!
> Dav: Well you'd better get some sleep, you've had a really hard day.
Jim: (Dav) You just fall asleep. Ignore this pan of hot water! Ignore it! And the shaving
cream! Ignore that, too!
> Amy: What about you?
> Dav: I'll be alright.
> Amy: See that you are. Good night, Dav. (Kisses his cheek and lies
> down on the other side of the fire)
> Dav: (Has this really surprised look on his face) Uh... good night.
Alexis: Yep. Real surprised. So surprised, we can't even begin to describe it.
> Amy: (Falls asleep instantly)
> Dav: (Throws some sticks onto the fire then gets up) Jessika, stay
> here with her. I'll be back in the morning.
> Jessika: Wark?
> Dav: It's to check the northwest section's condition.
Adol: You know. To check out the northwestern stuff. All that stuff that's northwesternly.
> I'll be fine, stay with her. If anything happens to me take her and
> run to Wyndia. Ryu and Nina'll recognize you.
Ying: (Ryu) Hey! It's the Chocobo that raided the grainery! GET HER!
> Author's note: This is from when he hosted the RPG Deathmatches.
Alexis: You don't say...
Kirin: I miss the AAA.
> Jessika: Wark... (Lays down next to Amy)
> Dav: Don't worry about me. (Looks at Amy and walks toward the woods.
> He continues looking at Amy and walks into a tree.)
Jim: That's a good example of slap stick. Get it? Slap-stick?
Garland: Sounds like a Darth Kirby story already.
(Jim and Ying give Garland a nasty look.)
Ying: Someone's gonna get slapped if he doesn't watch himself...
> Jessika: Wark!
> Dav: That's not funny, Jessika! (Walks into the woods).
All: *WHACK*
Adol: (Jessika) Wark!
Kirin: (Dav) OW! That's STILL not funny!
[We continue after a sponsor message.]
----------
This special episode brought to you by Ocean Spray.
Buy lots of cranberries. We know where you live.
----------
[Back]
> (The next morning, at the hideout)
Garland: Goku wakes up in Barret's bed by accident. Hilarity ensues.
> Cloud: All right everyone, move out!
> All: Damn! Again! Stop saying it like such a rip-off macho man! Can't
> you say "let's mosey" or something?!
> Cloud: MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!!!
Kirin: That's gotta be the strangest "Call to arms" I've ever heard.
> (Everyone piles into the Highwind and head for Hyrule)
Jim: Yeah, Bart and Spanky are in the back, kicking the driver's seat.
> Bart: So what to you guys usually do while waiting to arrive
> somewhere?
Ying: (Cloud) Sex.
Jim: (Tifa) Lots of sex.
Adol: (Barret) Then when that gets boring, we play N64.
Alexis: (Vegeta) And when THAT gets boring, we beat people up.
Kirin: Congratulations, people, we've just summarized the entire fanfic in four sentences.
> Red XIII: When we first got here everyone just stood in the same
> place.
Garland: (Red XIII) I was under a console. It was pretty cool. I made a fort.
> Cait Sith: Then after Vegeta and Aeris got married and Cloud and Tifa
> got together we usually stood outside their bedrooms while they've
> been uh... doing their thang.
Ying: You mean Cloud's been pursuing his love of history and Tifa's been continuing her
successful line of action/adventure novels?
Adol: (looking at Ying sadly) Poor young naive soul.
> Fei: That's perverted! I like it.
Jim: Bet he can't wait to tell Elly that.
Alexis: Grrr...this desecration of Fei's character must stop!
Ying: Xenogears fan, eh?
Alexis: Aw, Fei's just a big cutie.
Jim: For a guy with a psychotic alter-ego and a mean set of martial arts.
Alexis: Hmph.
> Vincent: But it would suck if we got caught.
> Barret: Last week dat foo' Dav installed some bugs so they can't hear
> us on da' outside.
> Vincent: So we've been listening in every time we get bored.
Garland: Has anyone tried plotting a strategy? Perhaps working out secret plans?
Adol: Give it up, Gar.
Garland: Maybe they can play a good game of bridge?
Adol: Gar...
Garland: Or how about some Battletech? That's good. Or maybe some quality reading of Ayn
Rand.
Adol: Gar...
Garland: Or just throw the SIs off and go on minding your own business like you always...
Adol: GAR!
Garland: (sighs)
> Goku: Cool! Let's try it out!
> Steve: Babes!
> Cait Sith: All right. (Runs over to the system) Now how did he do
> this?
Kirin: See, if this were an episode of Dragon Ball Z, it would take them at least twelve
episodes to find the correct switch.
> Steve: Babes! (Starts pushing buttons and flipping switches)
> Red XIII: You're going to overload the system!
> System: (Starts shorting out and explodes)
Jim: (system) Cripes. I keep telling them not to let any hentais drive this thing, but do
they listen? Noooooooo. They just don't WANT to listen to instructions. Curse them.
> Barret: Sh't!
> Pilot: Guys! We've got a problem here!
> Vincent: What?
Ying: (Pilot) We ran out of Columbian coffee.
Adol: (C.S) But we got a bag yesterday!
Ying: (Pilot) We used it all trying to sober up your friend.
> Crewman: We're crashing!
Garland: (Crewman) DAMN YOU WINDOWS!!!
> All: F**K!!!
> Cait Sith: (Pounds on Cloud/Tifa's and Aeris/Vegeta's doors) Get out
> here you guys! We're crashin'!
Alexis: That's odd. Usually when I feel the need to crash, I go INTO my bedroom...
Jim: Hmm... Alexis in the bedroom...
Alexis: Ecchi. Your nose is bleeding.
Adol: You're a sick, sick man.
Alexis: Thanks for backing me u -- HEY!!!
> Cloud: (Runs out) Good thing we didn't start yet.
> Tifa: Yeah, it sucks!
> Aeris: (Runs out) Well if I 'm going to die I'm going to die happy!
Alexis: (Aeris) Come here, Cloud!
Kirin: (Tifa) Oh, no you don't!
Jim: (Vegeta) HEY!
> Vegeta: I hear ya! (Shoves his tongue in, again...)
All: Ewwww...
Kirin: What about OUR happiness, huh? Ever thought about that?
> Fei: Would you stop that?! Get some parachutes!
> (Everyone parachutes out of there as the Highwind crashes into the
> mountains and explodes)
> Pilot: You get to explain this to the Captain!
> Crewman: Oh no! It was your crappy piloting!
> Pilot: Oh yeah?!
> Crewman: Yeah!
> Pilot: Oh yeah?!
> Crewman: Yeah!
> Pilot: OH YEAH?!!!
> Crewman: YEAH!!!
Alexis: (Pilot) OH Y...wait, we can blame it on Steve.
Garland: (Crewman) That's riiiiiight...
> Barret: Listen foo's we've gotta figger out where the hell we are
> first.
> Cloud: Barret's right, we've never been here before.
Ying: Looks like the inhabitants are about to get a rude awakening.
> Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock.
> A voice: Hey! You over there!
Garland: Sherlock Holmes with an Uzi, Sherlock Holmes with an Uzi...
> AVALANCHE: (Turns around to see two guys and a girl)
Alexis: And a pizza place.
Kirin: Only they got rid of that in the second season.
Jim: (AVALANCHE) AHHH! We've somehow been transported to ABC! Run for it!
> Goku: Whadya want!?
> Vegeta: Shut up Kakaraught! No one asked you to talk!
> Goku: Why are you being so mean to me lately?
> Vegeta: Because I can!
Adol: (Vegeta) I'm sorry. It's just that I get so emotional sometimes. Why shouldn't I be? I
became Super Sayien before you, I beat up lotsa people, I married Bulma, have a son that's
stronger than me, AND I get crappy pay, and I don't LIKE being a good guy and...
Ying: (Goku) Okay, okay. Just asking.
Adol: (Vegeta) Did I mention I married BULMA, for God's sake? Why didn't YOU marry her? You
liked her more than that bitch Chi-Chi!
Ying: (Goku) Okay! Calm down!
> Girl: We saw the crash. Are you all right?
> Red XIII: (Dripping with sarcasm) No! We've all got gas from that
> horrible, HORRIBLE experience! (Farts) Ah...
Kirin: Makes me long for the subtle flavor of Terrance and Phillip, really.
> Aeris: Quiet, you! We're all fine. Now who are you guys?
> Girl: My name is Cecilia Lynne Adlehyde, Princess of Adlehyde.
Garland: Oh CRAP! Now he's dragging Wild Arms into this!
Alexis: I think they ran into contract problems with the Slayers group.
> First guy: Jack Van Burace here, this is my wind mouse companion,
> Hanpan.
> Hanpan: Hello.
Jim: WIND mouse? He has gas too?
> Red XIII: Hanpan? (Starts laughing his head off)
> Hanpan: Eeerrghh!
> Tifa: Are you a pet or something?
Ying: (Hanpan) Actually, I'm a genetically altered lab mouse engineered to take over the world.
> Hanpan: I am not a damn pet! Jack and I are partners!
Jim: Yeah! Like Mickey Mouse and Minnie! Wait...
> Second guy: Rudy Roughnight, at your service.
Alexis: Or, as he'd say in the game, "..."
> Cloud: I'm Cloud Strife, this is my friend Tifa.
> Tifa: Hello.
> Barret: Barret Wallace speakin', I'm da leader of AVALANCHE!
Jim: (Barret) Love the pet.
> Rudy/Jack/CC: The leader of WHAT?!
> Cloud: It's an underground rebellion in our game.
Ying: (Barret) We're also known as the Illuminati.
*CRASH!*
Morgan: (over mike) Spackle please.
> Rudy/Jack/CC: Oh...
> Red XIII: I'm Nanaki.
Kirin: (Red XIII) But you can call me "Farty".
> Hanpan: (Whispers to Jack) He sure looks like one.
Alexis: And what, pray tell, is a nanaki?
Adol: I think it's a German term of contempt.
> Red XIII: But everyone calls me Red XIII.
Jim: (Red XIII) And I hate it. GOD, how I hate it.
> Cait Sith: Cait Sith's the name, fortune telling's my game. I'm also a
Adol: Stupid piece of crap.
Garland: Adol!
Adol: Had to be said sometime.
> matchmaker, preacher, on-line psychic... (Rambles on and on)
Ying: And freelance Cleo impersonator.
Alexis: Wow! Cait Sith's got more qualifications than the rest of them combined! Go fig.
> Vincent: Vincent Valentine...
> Fei: Fei Fong Wong and my friend Bartholomew Fatima.
> Bart: Call me Bart.
Jim: He's Bart Fatima. Who the hell are you?
> Goku: I am Goku of the Saiyin Warriors!
> Vegeta: I am the almighty Vegeta!
> Rudy/Jack/CC: Fejita?!
> Vegeta: No! VE-GE-TA! V-E-G-E-T-A!!!
Adol: (Rudy) Oh, with macaroni and cheese.
Kirin: (Vegeta) That's VELVEETA!
Garland: (Jack) Oh! You're a brand of Croatian seasoning!
Kirin: (Vegeta) NO! That's...I AM?
> Cloud: He's very sensitive about that.
> Rudy: No kidding.
> Vegeta: And this is my lovely wife, Aeris.
> Aeris: Hi.
Alexis: Clearly an arranged marriage.
> Steel: The name's Steel, John Steel Clayton. I am a sexual lebasidas
> demicriada.
Ying: Oooh, he's a regular polyglot. Hey, so are we! Say something in Japanese.
Jim: Omae o kurosu.
Ying: Perfect!
> Spanky: My friends call me Spanky.
Garland: (Spanky) I'm here to represent the stupidly named portion of Midgar society. Kill me
please.
Adol: Something you're not telling us, Garl?
Garland: I hate the damn monkey.
> Steve: Babes!
> Steel: Don't mind Steve. (Whispers to Cecilia) Just keep your guard up
> or he'll get you.
Kirin: (Cecelia) 'S okay. I got mace.
> Cloud: (Surveys the group) Now did we forget anyone?!
> Ramza: (Runs in) Don't forget about me!
> Barret: You never learn, do you foo'!?
> Ramza: Hey! You guys haven't even seen me in a fight!
Jim: Yeah, he's defeated Happosai, Ryoga, Pantyhose Taro-
Alexis: He's talking about 'Ramza', NOT Ranma!
Jim: I know, I know...
> Cait Sith: All right. If you can hold your own in a fight you can
> stay.
Adol: (Ramza) Whoops! Damn. Guess I'll see ya later, then.
> Vincent: If not then I kill you.
> Ramza: Oh goodie! (Ramza joins the party)
Garland: And cuuuue cheesy "join party" music!
> Cecilia: Just pull your pants up! You're making me nauseous! Erk...
Jim: ...his pants are down?
Alexis: Wow, Ramza's really well endowed... O_O
Kirin: Yoo-hoo! Alexis! You're slipping out of character.
Alexis: (distracted) What was that, Kirin?
Kirin: (sigh) Never mind.
> (Pukes all over Red XIII)
> Red XIII: Nnnnnnooooo!!! Just when I thought I was free of that!
Ying: Sorry, Red, but you can never free yourself of the stench known as AVALANCHE.
> Dyne: Too bad!
> Rudy: Who was that?!
> Goku: Just the author, don't mind him.
Adol: Sure, he has the will to destroy you and maim you at will, but he's mostly harmless.
> Cloud: Anyway we'd have two more of us here but one was captured in
> battle and the other turned traitor.
> Cecilia: Captured?! By whom?
> Barret: By those f**kin' Sailor Scouts, they's trying to take over da
> world!
Garland: A world where women in short skirts ruled?
(pause)
Ying: Where do I sign up?
> Jack: Sailor Scouts huh?
> Vincent: You've heard of 'em?
> Jack: Are they the school girl b***hes in mini-skirts who fly around
> delivering corny lines?
Alexis: No, that's the Magic Knight Rayearth group...
> Spanky: Damn right.
> Jack: I hate those b***hes! A few hours ago one of 'em attacked me
> and asked where Sailor Mercury was but I whipped her @$$ with my Fast
> Draw, Meteor Dive!
Garland [Jack]: Then it occurred to me to try to negotiate, but by that time she was
unconscious.
> Tifa: Hey! I have a Limit Break called Meteor Dive!
> Jack: No kidding?!
Ying: (Jack) PLAGIARIST!!!
Adol: (Tifa) Hey! It's mine, fair and square!
Kirin: Caaatfight.
> Rudy: I'm a master of the ARMs.
> Cait Sith: Arms? Cool!
> Rudy: Yeah, Ancient Relic Machines. Here I'll show you. (Pulls out
> the Hand Cannon)
Jim: (Cait Sith) WHOA! Look, I'm sure you're a really nice guy, but I just don't lean in
that direction!
*WHACK!*
Alexis: Between you and the sock puppet, I've got a real full time job on my hands.
> Cait Sith: Rats! I was hoping you'd summon a bunch of disembodied arms
> out of the ground and they'd slap the enemy to death.
Garland: (Rudy) HA HA HA HA...no.
> Ramza: Things aren't always as they seem.
> Steel: Hey! No one asked you to speak!
> Ramza: I'm sorry...
Kirin: (Steel) Hey! What did I just tell you?! I'm gonna have to hurt you now!
> Cloud: Anyhow do you guys have any method of air transport out of
> here? We're on our way to attack the Sailor b***hes base.
Ying: Which, as I hear, is right next to the Sailor SCOUTS base.
Jim: I thought they were going to go find Link, and then hunt down Dav.
Garland: And the likelihood of that being...?
> Cecilia: Yeah, our flying machine called the Gull Wing.
Kirin: A DeLorean?
Adol: (Red XIII) Does it fly by farting?
Alexis: (Cecilia): Well, technically-
Adol: (Red XIII) Woo hoo! Last one on is a rotten egg!
> Steel: Will we all fit in it?
> Rudy: We should, when the three of us are in there it seems really big.
> Spanky: Let's go!
> (Everyone piles into the Gull Wing)
Ying: You know, I'm suddenly getting an image of a clown car.
Alexis: Well that's appropriate, seeing as they're all a bunch of bozos.
(rimshot)
> Ramza: I've always wanted to ride in one of these things!
> All: Shut up, you!
> Ramza: Sorry...
Adol: Ramza is the Rodney Dangerfield of the fanfic. No respect.
Alexis: Speaking of respect, shall we respect our need for a break?
All: Sounds like a plan.
(They leave.)
[Switching to story mode]
Emerging from the theater, the gallant MiSTers all plopped down, breathing a sigh of relief.
"I can't believe they made Mike and the 'Bots look that dumb!" complained Alexis, "They're
usually so interesting..."
"You've met them?" asked Adol, with a look of surprise on his face.
"Yeah. Well, it was this huge ugly crossover thing, no thanks to Bodger."
"The SI, right," nodded Ying, about to grab himself some Twizzlers only to find there were
none left. "Hey! Who took the last of the Twizzlers?!" he complained loudly.
Kirin raised his hand. Ying shook his head and plopped down next to Jim.
"But, still, it does bring to the forefront a very disturbing question," Garland muttered,
plopping down next to Kirin, "How do we know when we aren't being our best? How do we know
that someone else isn't going to come along later and insult our work?"
This brought an uncomfortable silence upon the room, broken when Jim's eyes lit up. He quickly
ran into the bathroom, and ran back out, dragging a large package. "I've got it!" he smiled,
"I've got the very thing that will prove that we will never be insulted!"
"What's that?" Adol questioned daringly.
"It's-ba da da da!" Jim hit the little switch on the side to reveal a TV with a Nintendo
hooked up to it, "Super Smash Brothers!"
Alexis, Garland, Adol, and Kirin all slapped their foreheads. Ying, who had no arms, just
whapped himself on the counter.
"Come on! The four with hands can play, while me and Ying provide the commentary that will
surely prove how video-game fights can simulate a battle of wills!"
Kirin was the first to submit, followed by Garland and Adol, and finally Alexis, too, sat on
the carpet and picked up a controller.
"Okay, first we turn the system on and go to the battle arena. Then you pick your characters.
I would suggest playing as Kirby, the coolest of cool."
They all looked hesitant.
"PLAY THE FREAKING GAME!" commanded Jim. Jumping a half a foot, and not willing to risk the
wrath of a demented Jim Carrey, they hurriedly began to play with their controllers to no
avail. There were sounds of confusion.
"Hey! I made my guy jump!"
"Really? How?"
"Alexis, you're holding your controller upside down."
"Hey! How come my guy can't jump three times?"
"That's because he has a Super Special Move!" lauded Jim, "Come on, people! Get into it!"
Ying ducked down and nodded to the other four.
They all silently began to count from five.
"One!" they chorused at once, tackling Jim and having him flat on the ground.
"Hey! No fair! You didn't even use the cutter attack!" he complained.
Ying looked at Jim's circuitry. "There's the problem! His switch must have been bumped on the
way out of the theater." Ying adjusted the dial, "There! Back to the Jim we all know and love!"
"'All'?" snorted Alexis, turning her back to him.
"Hey, being a robot isn't as easy as it looks lady!" protested Ying, "We have feelings too!
His just change depending on where the dial was set!"
"What was the dial on, anyway?" asked Adol.
"Um...'Jim Carrey'."
There was a pause.
"And he's usually set on...?" Kirin led.
"Actually, um, JIM GRAB THE TWIZZLERS AND RUN!" Jim and Ying jumped up. Jim grabbed Kirin's
Twizzlers in his mouth and they both made a break for the theater. The other four blinked for
a moment. Kirin was the first to react. "MY TWIZZLERS!" He chased after them, only to trip on
the Nintendo cords, causing his trench coat to flip over his head. He flailed about, but to no
avail.
Alexis snorted, "He's never going to live this one down."
"The life of an avatar is never easy," grinned Adol.
"I'll get him! I'LL GET JIM CARREY! And his little sock puppet, too!" Kirin shouted.
The monitor lowered, and CEO Morgan appeared once more. He was reading from a book as he
addressed them. "Oh, hello, my linebackers of lewdness, it's time for you once more to enter
the theater and submit to my tortu..." he looks up to see Kirin flailing frantically, Alexis
struggling from laughing, and Adol and Garland busy opening some packs of Sour Patch Kids left
on the counter. Ying could be heard far away, snacking on some Twizzlers.
"Is there something I should know about?" Morgan asked finally.
"Nope," Adol and Garland said in unison.
"Erm, well, back onto the theater," Morgan said, obviously confused.
And so, after Adol and Garland helped Kirin back up, they entered the theater again.
[switching to theater mode]
Kirin: You're going to pay for that one, Carrey. I've got a big grudge with you!
Ying: Here! Want a Twizzler?
Kirin: Sure! Thanks. Can I have another?
Ying: Sure.
Kirin: Thanks. Mmmm. Forget that whole grudge thing, would ya?
Jim: Sure.
> (Back on Round Island)
Jim: (singing) Oh, the plot on the island goes round and round, round and round...
> Amy: (Slowly wakes up)
Adol: So she stretches a little bit, yawns. Scratches her eyes and wipes away the eye boogers,
probably.
Garland: Ah, eye boogers. The great social equalizer.
> Oh! (Remembers what happened)
Ying: (Amy) Oh no... I didn't... ARRRGH!
Kirin: It was at that moment that Amy swore off the bottle for life.
> That's right, Dav brought me here. (Looks around) Where is he?
> Jessika: (Wakes up) Wark!
> Amy: Good morning to you too. Where'd Dav go?
> Jessika: Wark! (Points in the direction Dav went in and mimics what
> happened)
Alexis: (flat) Mime chocobos...
Garland: NOW do you know why I hate them so much?
> Amy: So he walked off last night? And he was looking in a different
> direction and walked into a tree?
Jim: You gotta hand it to the chocobo, she's thorough.
Ying: Maybe she's just like us and was very amused by the whole tree incident.
> Jessika: Wark! (As if to say "yes")
> Amy: Well I'm going to go look for him. (Gets up but stops suddenly
> due to a sharp stab of pain)
Kirin: You see, Nav was passing by and planted a shiv in her rib cage.
Adol: (disturbed) Do you take medication for your condition?
> Ow! I guess I'm still a little sore. (Slowly gets up) Come on, let's
> find him.
> Jessika: (Forgetting what Dav asked her to do) Wark! (Follows Amy
> into the woods)
Garland: This is the Chocobo equivalent of 'Durrr," in case anybody was wondering.
> (Five minutes later)
Alexis: The whole scene grinds to a halt.
> Dav: (Walks into the campsite) I brought breakfast and... (Notices
> the two gone) Oh crap!
Ying: (Dav) I stepped in Jessika's crap! CRAP!
> Jessika knows not to go into these woods! (Runs in the direction of
> the tracks left by Jessika and Amy)
Jim: And runs straight into a tree.
Adol: (Dav) Dude! That's still not funny!
Kirin: (Dyne) Okay, okay. Jeez.
> Amy: Are you sure he went this way?
> Jessika: Wark! (Nods)
Alexis: Translated "Whatever. You'll be my breakfast in a few minutes."
> A giant squirrel: (Leaps out of a tree and lands behind the girls)
Ying: Mukumuku! No!
Kirin: No no, that's clearly Makumaku.
Adol: It's Mokomoko!
Garland: DUDE! It's just a damn squirrel!
> Jessika: (Turns around) WARK!!!
> Amy: (Turns around) Oh my god! A giant squirrel!
> Squirrel: (Jumps at 'em)
Kirin: That's quite an attack; next he'll growl or hiss or something.
Jim: If this were Conker's Bad Fur Day...
Alexis: But it ISN'T. Thank GOD.
> Amy: SPLIT! (The two leap in different directions) MERCURY STAR
> POWER!!! (Transforms into Sailor Mercury)
Adol: Followed promptly by the obligatory, and naturally always much longer Sailor Moon
transformation.
> Squirrel: (Hears Amy's shout and jumps in front of her)
> Jessika: Wark! (Runs behind the squirrel and grabs its tail)
> Squirrel: (Throws Jessika against a tree
Garland: YEAH! Teach the chocobo who's bad! You da MAN, squirrel!
> and turns back to Sailor Mercury)
> Sailor Mercury: MERCURY ICE ST- (Feels another stab of pain) Ow!
> (Collapses)
> Dav: (Standing in a tree)
Jim: Wha-? So he was just sitting there, watching her get beat up AGAIN?
Alexis: This voyeurism is becoming a slight obsession.
> I've got an idea!
> (Grabs a vine, lets out a Tarzan yell, and swings down)
Ying: And promptly slams into another tree.
Kirin: (Dav) Still not FUNNY, Dyne!
> Sailor Mercury: Huh? Dav?!
> Dav: (Grabs Sailor Mercury) I've always wanted to do that.
Adol: Yeah, everyone's wanted to grab Sailor Mercury at some point.
Garland: Really?
> Sailor Mercury: (Looks at him and smiles)
All: WATCH OUT FOR THAT!
(*whump*)
All:...tree.
Jim: (Dav) God DAMN it! That's STILL NOT FUNNY!
> Dav: (Lands in another tree) Love to stay and talk but my chocobo needs help.
Garland: No he doesn't.
Alexis: Let him rescue the bird, Garland.
Garland: NO! Kill the bird!
> (Jumps down onto the squirrel)
> Sailor Mercury: (Thinks) Now where did that vine come from? This is a
> forest, not a jungle.
Ying: Lady, if we stopped thinking about the logic, so should you.
> (Speaks) Ride 'em squirrel boy!
Jim: Squirrel boy? Like Princess Sally?
(Adol flinches)
Garland: Don't DO that!
> Squirrel: (Tries to throw Dav off)
> Dav: Yee ha! (Draws Atma Weapon and cuts the squirrel's head off)
> Squirrel: (Dies instantly)
Kirin: NOOOO! HARVEY!
Alexis: Harvey's a hamster.
Kirin: Oh.
> Dav: Whew... that was close.
> Sailor Mercury: That was cool! (Jumps down)
> Dav: (Catches her) I bet you say that to every guy who's done that.
Jim: (Sailor Mercury) And how many guys do you think I've seen cut off the head of a giant
squirrel with a lightsaber HONESTLY?
> Sailor Mercury: Well technically yes since you're the first one.
Jim: I stand vindicated.
> I guess I should thank you. (They kiss)
All: Good God NO!
Garland: Don't kiss the SI, Sailor Mercury! You don't know where he's been!
Adol: Well, at least they're not having sex any time soo...
(there is a two minute flurry of violence generated by this comment. The dust eventually
clears, and Adol is now duct taped into his seat.)
Adol: Dude, I was joking.
Garland: Bad joke.
> Dav: (Pulls back and sets her down) Damn. That's something I haven't
> felt in three years!
Jim: (Dav) Yeah. They don't kiss like THAT in prison.
Alexis: (Sailor Mercury) AACCK! ECCHI! *WHAM!*
Jim: (Dav) And that's something I haven't felt in three weeks...
> Sailor Mercury: But why did that squirrel attack us?
> Dav: (Walks over to Jessika) They normally don't come out this far. I
> guess it was because I stole some of its nuts for our breakfast.
All: Ah...
> Sailor Mercury: You didn't sleep at all last night?
> Dav: Nope. I had to see what has happening here.
Kirin: Yes, I'm sure squirrels trying to kill you seems interesting viewing.
> There's been a lot of mako radiation on the northwest section of the
> island. The squirrels are a by-product.
Ying: So's cow manure. What's your point?
> (Turns to Jessika) You all right girl?
> Jessika: (Gets up) Wark!
> Dav: I'll take that as a "yes".
Adol (Mercury) Her leg's shattered in two places. I don't think that was a "yes".
Garland: It was a four letter word, but not a yes.
> Sailor Mercury: What's on this island?
Jim: (Dav) Large apes. By the way, would you mind acting as a
sacrificial maiden?
> Dav: This is where Cloud found the "Knights-of-the-Round" materia.
> But none of us have seen it since Yuffie stole it.
Adol: Yeah. She steals everything. She killed Tseng and Aeris too.
Alexis: Aeris is still alive in this.
Ying: She's married to Vegeta. Death would just be too good for her.
> Sailor Mercury: Yuffie?
> Dav: You know her?!
Kirin: (Mercury) Know her? I went to the prom with her?
> Sailor Mercury: She's our leader!
> Dav: (Jaw drops to the ground) Oh my god! It isn't possible!
Jim: The jaw dropping to the ground? Well, not physically possible...
> She's dead! I killed her myself and wished that she'd never be
> brought back to life! It's not possible! She's dead! (Does the Cloud
> Strife Freakout)
Garland: Glitter and whirring strobe lights not included.
> Sailor Mercury: (Puts her hand on his shoulder) Hey Dav, it's all
> right.
> Dav: (Still freaking) It's not true! She has to be dead! She HAS to
> be! That Eternal Dragon prohibited it!
Adol: Yeah, that...(pause) Eternal Dragon?
Alexis: (Eternal Dragon) Oh no! You LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS!
> She can't have been revived!!!
> Sailor Mercury: Dav I-
> Dav: How did she get revived?! How?! Tell me, please!
Ying: (Mercury) It's called a "half-assed plot contrivance". Allow me to explain in detail.
> Sailor Mercury: Well one day about a week-and-a-half ago we had just
> come back from a failed mission...
Jim: Which mission was it?
Adol: Any of em'.
> (Flashback)
Garland: No LSD refs please.
All: Aw...
> Sailor Venus: This one was all Sailor Moon's fault!
Ying: (Sailor Venus) Yeah, let's vote her off the island!
> If she hadn't done nothing but stare at Darien the whole time we
> could've won that battle!
> Sailor Mars: I'm sick of her as a leader! She's a major ditz!
Adol: There's no need to argue. You're ALL ditzes!
> Sailor Mercury: Sailor Mars is right. Sailor Moon's been getting more
> egotistical and clumsy than ever!
> Sailor Jupiter: But where are we going to find a new leader?
Kirin: (Venus) I heard Motoko Kusanagi was free.
All: (Scouts) Bonus!
> Sailor Mars: (Sees something on the ground) What's this. (Picks it
> up) "Instant Plot Device. Directions: Just Add Water!"
Garland: I KNEW IT!
Alexis: What?
Garland: Dyne's been reading too much Cloud and Cait Sith! That explains all of the people
out of character and THAT explains why the guy hates Sephiroth! I KNEW IT!
Adol: Gar, are you saying...?
Garland: It's a CONSPIRACY! It goes all the way to the top, Bernstein!
Adol: Gar, come over here...lie down for a while...
Garland: NO!
> Sailor Venus: Cool! Let's use it to get a new leader!
> Sailor Mercury: I don't know about this. None of us knows what's
> going to happen.
Ying: (Mercury) Although I was against the previous regime, my poorly illustrated character
traits show me a sense of foreboding doom surrounding this package.
Kirin: (Mars): What?
Ying: (Mercury): Package BAD!
Kirin: (Mars): OH...
> Sailor Jupiter: Who cares!? Anyone'd be a better leader than Sailor Moon!
> (Sailor Mercury: We were wrong about that)
Jim: (Mercury) We ended up with Steve Guttenberg.
Garland: YAAAAAAAAAAIGH!
Alexis: You did that on purpose, didn't you?
Jim: Yup. ^_^
> Sailor Mars: Jupiter's right. Pour some water on this baby!
> Sailor Mercury: Okay. (Pours water on)
> Yuffie: (Appears out of nowhere) I'm back!
Ying (Yuffie): And I'm moist! Why the hell am I soaked with water?
> Sailor Venus: Congratulations! You're our new leader!
> Yuffie: Cool!
Kirin: (Jupiter) Now you have to dress in a fuku.
Adol: (Yuffie) Uh-oh. I...don't think I can do...
Alexis: (Mars) Come on! It'll be fun!
> (End of flashback)
Garland: You may now put down the bong.
> Sailor Mercury: And so she took over but for some unknown reason made Sailor Moon
> second-in-command.
> Dav: So you've been even more miserable ever since?
Jim: (Mercury) Yeah. Serena sucks as a second in command too. Who'd have thunk it?
> Sailor Mercury: Yeah. And we have to follow orders or she'll destroy
> our favorite things.
Adol: Poor kittens and packages tied up with strings.
> My books and for the others there pictures of boys.
Alexis: Oh no! Not their valuable collection of 1950's magazine cover boys! That fiend!
Kirin: Stop empowering the girls, Alexis.
> Dav: Ouch!
Ying: (Dav) I have pictures of boys too. I sympathize.
> But I can help you overthrow Yuffie.
> Sailor Mercury: Are you sure? She's pretty powerful.
> Dav: POWERFUL?! HA!!! I deflected her strongest attack very easily!
Garland: Dude, JOGURT deflected her strongest attack very easily!
> Sailor Mercury: You'd help me? After I attacked you?
> Dav: I figure, what the hell. I feel I have to do something more for
> you since I didn't stop Cloud right away.
Alexis: (Mercury) You mean...you were watching me and...you didn't...
Adol: (Dav) I was having one of my moments. Sue me.
> Sailor Mercury: Thank you. (They embrace and kiss again)
> Jessika: WARK!
> Dav: (Pulls back) What the bloody hell is this?! (Draws Atma Weapon)
> Sailor Mercury: It's the squirrels!
Garland: They've got guns!
> Dav: Crap! You're right!
> (Ten squirrels leap out of the bushes)
> Dav: S**t! We're surrounded!
Ying: By ten foot and a half long squirrels! Why don't you try stepping on them?
Jim: These are giant Riogonzawa squirrels. This calls for a pointless battle sequence.
Ying: Ahhh...
Adol: You're making this up, aren't you?
> Sailor Mercury: Teamwork is all we need!
Kirin: Arrgh!
Alexis: Need insulin?
Kirin: I'm fine, thanks.
> Dav: Gotcha! Freeze 'em!
> Sailor Mercury: MERCURY ICE STORM BLAST!!! (Freezes the squirrels)
Garland: Squirrel Pops! From those guys who brought you Ferret and Otter Pops! Now in real
Squirrel flavor! Get them today!
> Oh! (Feels another stab of pain and collapses again.)
> Dav: (Hasn't noticed yet) SWORDS OF HEAVEN!!! (Draws Ragnarok with
> his right hand and
Adol: Wait. RAGNAROK? The SHIP Ragnarok?
All: Not THAT one!
> uses both swords for his Limit and kills the squirrels) Holy crap! I
> finally used my other Limit Break!
Jim: Aren't you supposed to get the crap beat out of you before you use your limit break?
Ying: Logic not in building, Jim...
Jim: Sorry...
> (Sees Sailor Mercury) Oh my god! Are you all right?!
> Sailor Mercury: Yeah, I'm still a little sore.
> Dav: That's no ordinary soreness.
Alexis: (Dav) You got a rib peeking out through there.
> Come on, let's get you to a doctor. Some friends of mine are ruling a
> kingdom not far from here, let's go there.
> Sailor Mercury: Hang on a second. (Reverts)
Kirin: Sure. Want to make a good first impression.
Adol: A fuku is actually a pretty good first impression.
Garland: In which planet, Adol?
Adol: Well, I was just saying that...
> Amy: Okay, let's go.
> (With Dav's help they climb onto Jessika and head for Wyndia)
[commercial]
----------
This episode brought to you by the Dream City Council,
home of the Octagon Rumble series.
What do you dream about?
----------
[Back]
> (At the Scouts' base)
> Yuffie: (Looks at a clock) Hmm... they should be back by now.
Alexis: If they wait for fifteen more minutes, they get the free crazy bread.
> Sailor Moon: Maybe I should've gone with the search party.
Jim: And maybe immobile turtles should be given a record contract.
> Yuffie: YOU?! (Laughs her head off) On a serious note Serena you
> haven't been acting very smart lately.
Kirin: LATELY? I don't think she's ever been...
Garland: If you don't mind. (he takes out his sword and pats it against his hand.)
Kirin: I withdraw the comment.
> Sailor Moon: We're just looking for Sailor Mercury! It's not like
> we're all going to fight a battle in which the fate of the universe
> hangs in the balance!
Jim: And this is the girl whose best plan to defeat the Negaverse originally was to have a
spaz attack.
Garland: Yes.
Jim: How can they get THAT wrong?
Ying: Are you questioning logic again?
Jim: No, I'm...just leave me alone.
> Yuffie: That's it! I've had enough of your insubordination! (Gets up
> and walks into Serena's room)
Kirin: Please, God, I *really* don't want to hear the word 'panties' in the next five
lines...
> Sailor Moon: NO! Not my copy of Titanic!
All: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
Alexis: (Yuffie) Now who's king of the world NOW, pretty boy?! HA HA HA!
Adol: I think my respect for Yuffie has shot up a few points.
> Yuffie: Yes! THAT! (About to crush the tape when the rest of the
> Scouts arrive)
> Sailor Mars: We're back, Mistress!
> Yuffie: Poopy! I wanted to crush the tape!
> Dyne: Allow me! (A lightning bolt destroys the tape)
All: WAY COOL!
> I hate that f**king movie and that son of a b***h Reotardo DiCrapio!
All:...
Kirin: DAMMIT!
Garland: Don't you just hate it when you find out you share the same sentiments as the
author?
> Sailor Moon: My tape...? WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
> Yuffie: Crybaby! (Turns to the rest) Did you find Sailor Mercury?
Alexis: (Jupiter) No, but we found this guy with a tin hat on his head and wings on his
feet. Will that do?
Jim: (Yuffie) Um...
> Sailor Venus: No. When we arrived at their hideout everyone was gone
> so we split up and searched the different worlds.
Ying: (Venus) Did you know that you can't breathe on other worlds? We just found out!
Weird, huh? Oh, and that's why we no longer have Sailor Pluto through Jupiter. Sorry.
> Sailor Jupiter: Yeah, it sucked! Some guy with long hair and a rat
> jumped at me with his sword!
Adol: Rather rude, don't you think?
> Sailor Neptune: Well some kid in a red cap whacked me with a baseball bat!
Garland: Fernando Tatis, no!
> Sailor Saturn: Some space person wearing cool armor shot me and I
> turned frozen!
Kirin: (Saturn) An' it was all cold 'n stuff and it made my nose go all runny.
> Sailor Pluto: This one kid with spiky red hair zapped me with lightning!
Ying: Jude Law?
Alexis: (confused) Jude LAW?
> Sailor Venus: Some guy wearing a tuxedo with a cool British accent
> shot at me!
Jim: (Venus) Then he bedded me for some reason!
> Sailor Mars: This cream puff type thing sucked me in and copied my
> power! Then it fried me!
Kirin: Uh...killer blancmange?
> Sailor Uranus: A really good-looking guy hit me with his whip!
Jim: VINCENT SHEPARD?
Alexis: Okay, NOT A WORD, group!
> Author's Note: Can you guess which video game characters they're talking about?
Kirin: I'd prefer not.
Ying: No.
Adol: My mind is taxed already.
Jim: This guy is definitely underestimating our fanboyishness.
> (Answers will be given at the end of the fic)
Garland: He's assuming we'll get to the end of the fic. Isn't that funny?
Morgan: (over mike) Unfortunately, you are staying until the end of the fic. That's
funny.
Garland: Killjoy.
Morgan: (over mike) And no cheating, dammit!
> Yuffie: Didn't you fight back?!
> Sailor Mars: Uh... no. We were all delivering our lines when they attacked.
> Yuffie: Idiots!
> Sailor Moon: (Still crying her head off)
Alexis: (Dyne) Yeah. She just noticed this too, people.
> (On the Satellite of Love)
Adol: There is, for some reason, an inordinate amount of hate. It's kinda funny.
> Mike: Hey Servo! Have you finished working on the communications
> rerouter?
Jim (Tom) I've only had about six years to do this Mike, you think you could wait an hour?
> Tom Servo: Yeah Mike, all set!
> Mike: Good, now we can listen in on Yuffie's plans and send 'em
> directly to the team. Turn it on.
> Gypsy: Roger!
> Mike: My name is Mike!
Alexis: (Gypsy) Roger, Roger. What's our vector Victor?
Ying: (Mike) What?
> Crow: That was an acknowledgement, Mike!
Ying: (Mike) Well you're adopted!
Garland: (Crow) WAAAAAAAAAH!
> Gypsy: (Turns it on and the crew listens to the conversation you (the
> reader) just read)
Kirin: That's kinda...redundant.
> Mike: Now to contact the team. (Pushes the button)
Jim: Naturally, when he presses it, a little sign pops up saying 'please don't push this
button again.'
> (Red alarm sounds)
> Tom Servo: Oh s**t! Fanfic sign!
> (They stumble into the theatre)
Alexis: And they are STILL drunk for some reason.
> (On the Gull Wing)
Garland: Wackiness ensues when Steve can't find a cupholder.
> Jack: We're approaching Hyrule!
> Cloud: Sweet!
> Cecilia: Hyrule? I thought we were going to attack the base first.
Jim: Don't point out plot holes while the Author is around! You wanna die too?
> Jack: Didn't they tell you we're stopping here first?
Adol: (Jack) They have cheeseburgers.
Alexis: (Cecilia) WHOO HOO!
> Rudy: We're getting one more ally for the assault.
> Cecilia: But no one else'll fit in here!
> Spanky: I know how to remedy that! Heh heh heh...
Garland: Yes, I seem to have a remedy for that too. But it involves Spanky, a chainsaw,
and a mulcher, so I won't go into detail.
> Aeris: Does anyone see Link down there?
> Vincent: (Notices two figures running across Hyrule Field) Yeah
> that's him there. Still trying to be "convinced" to marry that fish
> woman.
> Barret: (To Jack) Cruise along da ground, foo'.
Ying: Everyone's a foo' to Barret, aren't they?
Kirin: Someday he's going to ask for some foo' to eat and everyone's going to run
screaming from him.
> Cait Sith: (Shouts through his megaphone) Attention, fairy boy! Your
> reprieve is here!
> Link: It's about time! (Throws a Deku Nut at Ruto) Let me in! Please!
> Ramza: You won't fit!
> Steel: That's not a problem. NOW!
> Spanky/Steel: (Throw Ramza out)
Adol: I'm beginning to get the impression this guy didn't like Tactics either.
> Ramza: (Lands on his face) Hey!
> Link: Thanks guys! (Climbs into the Gull Wing)
Kirin: (Steel) No problem, especially since you're the only Nintendo character we aren't
morbidly violent against.
Garland: (Barret) Often.
Alexis: You know, you'd think he'd hold it against them for trying to destroy his country.
What a nice guy.
> Gull Wing: (Gains altitude)
> Ramza: No fair!
> Ruto: (Unstunned) Hey! Where's Link?!
> Ramza: He just left.
> Ruto: You're not too bad yourself, I guess you'll have to marry me
> instead.
> Ramza: Oh f**k! (Runs like hell)
Jim: Ruto played by... hell, anyone from a comedy anime series. Take your pick.
Adol: Tsk, women. Always rushing to commitment...
*WHAAAACK!*
Adol: Hey! I wasn't even being perverted that time!
Alexis: Look, even YOU know better than to make comments like that in
the presence of a feminist.
Ying: Feminist or Femi-Nazi?
Kirin: We wonder sometimes.
Alexis: Whose side are you on, anyway?
> Vegeta: No that's a fate worse than death!
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
Garland: (Vegeta) Would you like a ki blast with your name on it?
Jim: (Red XIII) Uh...no...
Garland: (Vegeta) Then shut the hell up, jerky.
> (In Wyndia Castle throne room. Dav and Amy are walking in)
> Dav: Ryu! Nina!
> Ryu: Dav! Long time no see! (Shakes his hand)
Ying: (Dav) BZZZT! AH!
Kirin: (Ryu) Sorry. Had the joy buzzer on.
> Nina: What brings you to Wyndia?
> Dav: Her. This is my friend Amy.
Adol: (Dav) Say hello to the nice people, Amy.
Alexis: (Amy) Hello to the nice people, Amy.
> Amy: Glad to meet you.
Adol: (Dav) Very good! Now Amy will sing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" while I drink
this glass of water!
Alexis: (Amy) (singing) Joooohn Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt! His name is my name too!
(normal) I spit in the water.
Adol: (Dav) PFFFFFFFFFT! Amy!
> Dav: She's hurt internally. Do you guys have any doctors here?
Garland: No, but they got lots of toilets.
> Ryu: Actually it's Wednesday, all the doctors are playing golf today.
> Dav: Oh... poopy.
Jim: He's expressing this so well.
> Nina: But Ryu here does have healing magic.
> Dav: Oh yeah... I forgot since he's also the dragon.
Ying: No, dude. Bruce Lee is the dragon.
> Ryu: It kind of sucks in the game, doesn't it?
> Dav: Yeah, Dyne finally beat it last week.
> Dyne: Disappointing ending!!!!
Garland: He was expecting Katt and Ryu to hook up too, didn't he?
Jim: This fic is really making me question reality. I mean, how do we know WE'RE not all
in some giant fanfic?
Kirin: Unbelievable.
Alexis: Ridiculous.
> Ryu: Okay, hold still Amy. Niektocknilitek! (Casts Vitalize on Amy)
Adol: And it's then that she turned into an onion.
Ying: (Peco) Pusyi puko! Wheeeeeeep!
> Amy: Whoa! So that's what magic feels like.
> Dav: Any pain?
> Amy: (Moves around) No. Thanks Ryu.
> Ryu: Don't mention it.
Garland: (Ryu) In fact, don't talk about it to anybody, or else we'll have to kill you.
> Nina: Can you guys stay a while?
> Dav: Sorry, can't. We're on our way to attack a base.
> Amy: That reminds me. MERCURY STAR POWER!!! (Transforms into Sailor
> Mercury)
Alexis: And Nina has to whack Ryu for drooling...
Ying: (Amy) Secret identity, schmecret identity! I just wanna dance around in the buff!
> Sailor Mercury: Ready?
> Dav: For anything. (They walk out)
> Ryu/Nina: Good luck!
> Author's Note: Please forgive me for all of the serious parts in this
> comedic fic.
Jim: You're apologizing for the wrong thing, laddie.
> I promise it'll be funny with Dav and Amy from now on. And please
> forgive the last scene where 3 out of four characters only had 3
> letters in their names.
Kirin: Pfft. There's that anti-namist attitude again. Honestly...
Adol: (Dyne) And forgive me for putting Spanky in this thing too. I dunno what came over
me. Really. Please?
> (On the Gull Wing)
> Jack: We're approaching the island!
Ying: About darn time! Stupid three hour tours!
> Barret: Awright! We gonna rock!
> Tifa: May I remind you that we're here to rescue Cid?
Kirin: (Barret) No you may not. In fact, I ban you from reminding me of ANYTHING. I'm
happy in my own little fantasy world.
Jim (Goku) Funny. I thought I was here to add comic relief.
Alexis: (Bart) I have no idea why I'm here, actually.
Garland (Spanky): I'm here because I'm blackmailing the author.
Adol (Steve): Hey! Me too!
> Aeris: And may I remind you that using the same lines over and over
> gets old?!
Ying: May we remind you that we no longer give a flying rat's ass?
> Link: Hey! I just noticed, where's that mean person who calls me gay?
> Goku: He betrayed us.
> Link: No way!
> Fei: Yes way, fairy boy!
Kirin: (Link) But he's an avatar!
Jim: (Cloud) Yeah.
Kirin: (Link) We're so dead, aren't we?
Adol: (Barret) Absolutely.
> Link: You can't call me "fairy boy" anymore, my fairy was killed two
> weeks ago!
Alexis: (Link) And I'm really distraught about it! Really!
Ying: Alas poor Navi, I knew her well... she was a fairy of infinite 'Hey!'s.
> Bart: So? You're still a fairy boy!
> Cait Sith: I remember that...
Garland: And cue time consuming flashback!
> (Flashback)
> Dav: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Link's gay!!!
Kirin: (blinks) They just flashbacked to the beginning of the fic!
Alexis: Oh for the love of...
> Link: I am not!!!!!
> Navi: Don't call Link gay you meanie!!! (dive-bombs Dav)
> Dav: (holds his Atma Weapon straight up in the air and Navi gets cut
> in half)
> Link: NAVI!!!!!!
> Dav: That takes care of him!!!
Jim: The man who won Sailor Mercury's heart, lady and gentlemen.
> Barret: That was coo' foo'!!!!!
> Link: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! He's gone!!! My only friend in the
> world is gone!!!!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Adol: I thought Dyne said that he'd have no more serious parts.
Garland: This is comedy.
Adol: (stunned) Really?
> Goku: Ah c'mon kid. You don't really need a fairy to protect you.
> Link: (crying) Why not?
> Barret: 'Cause day're stupid, gay and they piss on ya' head!!!!!
Ying: Of course! How could you forget THAT?
> Link: Navi never did!!! He was potty trained!!!
> Goku: Face it kid, you can't potty train a fairy.
> Dav: Then that means Link isn't potty trained!!!!
Alexis: I don't get it.
> Link: Shut up! It's because of you, Navi is dead!!!!
> Dav: Hey, s**t happens, kid!!!!!
> Zelda: Dav's right, s**t DOES happen.
> (End of flashback)
Jim: Well I feel drained of willpower.
> Hanpan: Land over there, Jack.
> Jack: Gotcha. (Lands the Gull Wing behind a jungle surrounding the
> base)
Kirin: (Cloud) Remember, if we run into Tarzan, Indiana Jones, or Jane Goodall, kill their
friends and insult their sexuality.
All: (AVALANCHE) Well, if you insist...
Kirin: (Cloud) And the first person to say, "All your base are belong to us" gets it in
the neck.
Garland: (Spanky) Aw dammit. There goes all of my lines.
> Cloud: We'll split up into two groups.
Ying: (Cloud) I get all the women. The rest of you go that way and I'll...catch up with you.
> One'll take the side entrance while the others go head on.
Adol: Head on what?
> Red XIII: You like that group stuff don't you?
> Cloud: Shove it!
> Tifa: All right everyone, let's separate.
> Cloud: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say
> "split up" or something?! Ha! I did one! I did one!
Alexis: (Tifa) That's it. I'm pulling a Lysistrata on your spiky-haired ass!
Jim: (Cloud) Oops.
> All: (Dripping with sarcasm) Don't you feel special?
> (The team splits up with Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Cait Sith, Steel,
> Steve, Jack, Link, and Fei in one group and Vegeta, Red XIII,
> Vincent, Aeris, Spanky, Rudy, Cecilia, Bart, and Goku in the other.)
Garland: I hate games where they put in too many playable characters.
> Cloud: If one of the groups finds Cid or encounters the Sailor
> b***hes, call.
> Vegeta: Right! (They split up)
>
> (On the Satellite of Love)
Kirin: Mike Nelson dresses in women's clothing. Hilarity ensues.
> Mike: Okay, that's the first false alarm we've ever had! No fanfic!
> Crow: Well we all know what a dimwit Yuffie is.
Alexis: Yeah! We all know that! [pause] We did?
Adol: (Tom) Actually, we...
Jim: (Crow) Don't contradict me!
> Tom Servo: Shouldn't we warn the team about the traps in the base?
Ying: What? No, let em' kill each other off! It'll save us from a wedding, at least.
> Mike: You're right, Servo! Let's just open a channel. (Pushes the
> button)
> (Red alarm goes off)
> Crow: AH! Fanfic sign!
> Mike: Wait a minute. (Pushes the button again)
Garland: The screen fades to a dot. Cue MST3K Love Theme.
> (Red alarm goes off)
> Mike: Servo I thought you rerouted the communications array so we
> could send what we tapped into on to the team!
Ying: Really, why would they want to bring Team Rocket into this?
> Tom Servo: Well excuuuuse me! I've got springs for arms and so I may
> have messed up a few wires!
Kirin: (Tom) Course, I said that BEFORE we started the damn thing, but NOOOOOOO...you NEVER
listen, do you?
> Mike: Crow open the panel that Tom was using.
Alexis: (Crow) My arms don't work either!
Adol: (Mike) Don't bother me with details!
> Crow: (Opens the panel) Holy s**t! Mike we've got a problem here!
Jim: (Mike) Yes, I know. I'm washing your mouth out with soap this instant, young man!
> Mike: Oh crap! Half the system's completely rerouted and Cambot's
> been turned into the cheese dispenser!
> Cambot: (Sprays everyone with melted cheese)
Garland: Behold the power of cheese.
> (Back outside the Scouts' base)
> Sailor Mercury: This is it!
> Dav: Wow! What a pad!
Alexis: Just a note. Maxi pad jokes are out.
All: Aww...
> Sailor Mercury: We've had this place since we discovered it a month
> ago.
Ying: Yeah, there are a lot of secret, well-secured bases just lying around for anyone to
use.
> Dav: What did you use as a central base before?
> Sailor Mercury: Serena's house.
Adol: (Mercury) Her mom kicked us out.
> Dav: (Turns to Jessika) Go back to the chocobo farm, Jessika. Once
> we're done here we'll fly back.
Jim (Dav): Hang out with the characters from Harvest Moon 64 or something.
> Jessika: Wark! (Runs off)
> Dav: Ready?
> Sailor Mercury: Never felt more.
Kirin: (Dav) I meant ready to go into the base.
Garland: (Mercury) I knew that.
> Let's take the back entrance, this place is full of traps against
> intruders.
> (They head into the rear entrance)
Alexis: I'm sold for a break, how bout you guys?
Jim: Sounds good.
(they leave)
[Switching to story mode]
The two avatars looked around furtively in the lobby of the theater. Finding it clear, they
began hauling a rather hefty package towards the garbage can next to the currently inoperative
snack stand.
"GET 'EM!"
Alexis and Kirin suddenly found themselves ambushed by the other four members of the merrie
MiSTing crewe. "GET THAT PACKAGE!"
After a lengthy struggle which involved a lot of swearing, some spilt popcorn, a duck and
more than a few bruised body parts, Adol and Ying finally managed to wrestle the package out
of the avatars' grasp.
"I knew it! Instant plot device! Just add water! They were hoarding it the whole time!"
exclaimed Ying triumphantly.
"Actually, we were trying to get RID of it, if you must know," corrected Kirin irritably.
"Now why would you wanna go do a thing like that? It's our ticket outta here!"
"Because it's past its expiration date!" replied Alexis. "You don't know WHAT it'll do!"
"Pfft. Leave it to author-created characters to hoard all the beneficial plot points," scoffed
Jim. "Let's try it!"
"But you really don't want..."
"It's either that or stick around here for the rest of this fic," Garland replied and turned
to his friend. "Come on, Adol, get some water."
"Right." He headed towards the bathroom.
Kirin tried to reason with the others. "Really, it's not a good thing to use an instant plot
device that old. I mean, that one by itself is a good five years old."
"Mind you, it's not like anybody's ever really TRIED it when it's that old," mused Alexis.
"True..." agreed Kirin. "But still..."
"Aw, yer both a bunch of spoilsports," said Ying. "Ah, here's Adol with the water."
"Got it right here -- whoa!" In his rush to get the water over to the group, Adol tripped
over the duck, who squawked in annoyance. The promised glass of water spilt all over the two
avatars.
It also hit the package.
A loud explosion occurred, creating a large puff of colored smoke in the air. When the air
cleared, the following had taken place:
1 transformation (Kirin into a small horned-toad)
1 unexplained marriage (Alexis to Jim, both of whom were wearing the garb for the ceremony)
1 sudden ability to fly (Garland, who floated above everybody else)
1 personality swap (Adol with Ying).
(The duck, incidentally, turned into a Crunch bar. Nobody found a proper explanation for
this.)
"YECH!" Alexis and Jim back away from each other in disgust. The toad was not amused.
"Warned ya," it croaked out.
"Well THIS is a mess," commented Garland. "On the other hand, this is kinda fun! Wheee!"
He did a loop-to-loop in the air.
"All riiight! Opposable thumbs!" exclaimed Ying/Adol, wriggling his hands. "Now I can beat
Joel at Ranma: Hard Battle!"
"You do it anyway!" replied Jim. "Ugh, I got married to the prude."
"You think I'M happy about it?! Ugh, married to a cardboard cut-out. The honeymoon will be
hell," shot back Alexis.
Everybody stared at her. "What?!" she growled.
"Well I, for one, now know what a muppet feels like," said Adol/Ying. "I can't feel my arms!"
Ying/Adol glared at him. "Don't make me hurt you."
"Well, with any luck it'll wear off eventually. I mean, it IS old, so it's pretty unstable,"
said Alexis. "And I DO mean luck, since the last thing I need on my record is a divorce."
"Maybe," agreed Kirin. "Just as long as Morgan doesn't see..."
The television screen flared on. "And how's everything going ov...er..." Morgan stared at his
experiments, currently mortified. "JESUS CHRIST! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU PEOPLE?"
"Let's not get into it," growled Garland.
"Mmm. Well, whatever. Back in the theater! Unless, of course, it's time for the wedding
reception?" He arched an eyebrow wryly at Alexis and Jim.
"You are dead, Morgan. Really, REALLY dead," the two said simultaneously. They marched back
into the theater.
[switching to theater mode]
Garland: Uh...will someone get me an anchor? I can't sit down for some reason.
Ying/Adol: There's a hefty pack of Sour Patch Kids to the right. Use that.
Alexis: This dress is starting to chafe.
Adol/Ying: Where'd the duck come from, anyway?
> (In the central control room)
> Computer: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! I said "INTRUDER ALERT!!!"
Jim: Boy, Majel Barett sure has gotten stuffy since Voyager began.
> Yuffie: When are you guys going to get that thing fixed?!
Alexis: If they work for the cable company, sometime between twelve and five.
Garland: They needed to take the computer in for vitamins and a fur brushing to boot.
Adol/Ying: Don't say fur.
Garland: Sorry.
> Sailor Moon: It's not a malfunction this time! There are three
> parties entering from every entrance!
Kirin: Wouldn't it be more efficient to just have one entrance? I mean, you need a fire exit,
of course, but one exit would be easier to protect.
Ying/Adol: Well, they just found the base lying there. Don't blame them, blame the previous
occupants.
Kirin: (ribbit)
> Yuffie: Damn! How big are they?!
Jim: (Moon) Well, I dunno. I don't know them THAT well. We just...
Alexis: (Yuffie) The GROUPS, nimrod!
Jim: (Moon) Oh. I knew that.
> Sailor Moon: Two groups of nine, one of two! Waittaminute! The alarms
> aren't going off in the rear sector, maybe Sailor Mercury's back!
Adol/Ying: (Yuffie) She'd have better remembered the toothpaste this time!
> Yuffie: Go check!
> Sailor Moon: (Runs out)
> Yuffie: As for the rest of you, split up and attack!
> Sailor Mars: Yes, Mistress!
Ying/Adol: Yuffie IS She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed.
> (Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, and Pluto head for Cloud's team while Venus,
> Saturn, and Neptune head for Vegeta's team)
> Yuffie: I'd better call for backup. (Uses an Instant Plot Device)
Kirin: Akuma is summoned. He is not happy, and kills all involved. The end.
Garland: This is Dyne we're talking about. He doesn't like Street Fighter.
Jim: So what would he summon?
Garland: Well, considering there are a few games represented, he's gonna pull something
convoluted and resuscitate some bozos who should have remained dead in the first place,
like Cell or Ganon or...
> Captain Ginyu: (Appears) We are here! We are...
> Recoom/Chase: (Appear) THE GINYU FORCE!!! (Do their gay dance)
Garland: See my point?
Ying/Adol: I detect a level of soreness.
Garland: You don't know half of it.
(Kirin sees a fly and catches it with his tongue.)
Adol/Ying: That's disturbing.
> Yuffie: S**t! I was hoping for PeeWee!
Kirin: (Captain Ginyu) They caught him at the porn theater again.
> Anyway Ginyu, I need two of you to go to the side entrance while the
> third heads for the front entrance to help my girls.
Jim: Anna Paquin and McCauley Culkin?
Alexis: Macauley isn't a girl.
> Captain Ginyu: What's in it for us?!
Ying/Adol: (Yuffie) You get to leave the story early.
All: (Ginyu Force) We're in!
> Recoom: I like soap operas.
> Chase: Yeah Yuffie! I've got a bigger dildo and I want to use it!
Kirin: Thanks for sharing. (ribbit)
> Yuffie: All right! All right! Defeat the intruders and I'll let you
> have one of my girls, each.
Garland: Aren't they gay?
Adol/Ying: No they aren't.
Garland: They're wearing SPANDEX, for crissakes!
> Chase: Hot damn! (Runs towards the front entrance)
Jim: (Yuffie) Just watch out for the booby--
Alexis: (Chase) YEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW!
Jim: (Yuffie) Traps.
> Recoom: Can I watch soap operas?
> Captain Ginyu: I'll destroy the f**kin' TV if you don't come with me!
> Recoom: That'd be bad, 'cause I like soap operas. (He and Ginyu head
> for the side entrance)
Ying/Adol: So to...uh...recap, Recoom likes Soap Operas.
Kirin: Okay. Taking bets now on how many times he says that.
Alexis: I bet eight.
Garland: Five.
Adol/Ying: Six at least.
> Yuffie: I should help them... but I won't! (Relaxes) That's what
> being the leader is all about.
Jim: You know what would save this fic? Topless mud wrestling.
Garland: Oh, you'd think that...
Ying/Adol: Actually, I think that about everything.
Alexis: Honestly...
Adol/Ying: Don't you dare, Ying. You're in my body.
> (At the front entrance)
> Cloud: Be careful you guys, there could be traps
> anywhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!
> (Steps onto a trap-door)
> Cait Sith: Maybe you should stop saying those types of lines
> altogether.
> Cloud (Hanging onto the edge): No s**t, Sherlock! (Pulls up)
Kirin: And SPEAKING OF LINES YOU SHOULD STOP...
Garland: Chill. It's old.
> (The Scouts run up)
> Sailor Mars: In the name of Mars!
> Sailor Jupiter: And for Jupiter, also!
> Sailor Pluto: By the power of Pluto!
Alexis: By the power of Ra...
> Sailor Uranus: By the greatness of Uranus-
> Link: I'm gonna have fun tonight!
Jim: (singing) Gonna scooooore tonight!
Ying/Adol: Jim, I thought we said NO Grease 2 riffs.
Jim: You're just jealous you didn't think of it.
> Steve: Babes!
Alexis: Where'd HE come from?
Adol/Ying: He's like that gopher from Caddyshack. Always turning up at inconvenient moments.
> Sailor Scouts: Through our powers combined-
> Captain Planet: (Appears) I am Captain Planet! The Power is yours!
> Jack: Cool! I've finally learned what the absolute "Power" is!
Jim: So Captain Planet is played by Gene Hackman?
> Hanpan: What?
> Jack: Gay @$$ pansies with bad lines!
Kirin: And now Jack the Ripper expresses hostility towards flowers. This fic has
everything!
Ying/Adol: Is that like R. Jak?
Morgan: (over mike) NOW CUT THAT OUT!
> Fei: Let's call a truce long enough to kill this son of a b***h!
> Sailor Mars: Agreed.
> (Everyone focuses their attack on Captain Planet)
Alexis: As if there wasn't enough gratuitous violence in this fic.
Garland: Hey, I hated the bastard too.
> Captain Planet: Oh... poopy! (Dies)
Adol/Ying: Ecology and Pokémon are bad. Swearing and short skirts are good!
> Sailor Jupiter: Okay, let's begin where we left off!
Ying/Adol: I think we were at the part where Denzel Washington was angry and everyone else
was pondering the racial injustice blatantly shown. (pause) Course I could be wrong.
> Sailor Scouts: We will punish you!
> Barret: Spread out an' attack!
> Chase: (Runs in swinging his dildo) Your leader sent me to help!
Kirin: And JUST when you thought it COULDN'T get any WORSE! *sigh*. (ribbit)
> Tifa: Oh f**k! Not him again!
(general blink)
Garland: Again? You mean this happened BEFORE?
> Link: His friend was the one who blew me through the wall in Ganon's
> Tower!
> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!
Alexis: Why does that line warrant a 'no s...
Jim: Look, if we stopped asking, you should too.
> Chase: By the power of my dildo I will destroy you!
> Steve: Babes! (Pulls out a bigger dildo)
> Chase: Ah! A challenge! (Pulls out an even bigger dildo)
> Steve: BABES!!! (Pulls out an EVEN BIGGER dildo)
Ying/Adol: See? Steve is really the positive role model America needs.
(Garland throws the Sour Patch Kids pack at Ying/Adol. Due to this effect, he zooms
up to the ceiling and bonks his head on the top.)
Jim: That's not funny anymore, Garland.
Garland: (from ceiling) BITE ME!
> Jack: I'll handle this one before those dildos smother us. TRUMP
> CARD!!!
Adol/Ying: Ha HA! Donald Trump swoops in and buys all the dildos!
> (Cuts Chase and his dildo into several pieces)
> Steel: Get the b***hes!
> (They start fighting)
Garland: (from ceiling) Again.
Alexis: Cue battle music.
[Reverts. Everyone back to normal.]
Adol: Hey. Good timing.
Ying: I miss having arms.
Kirin: Hey, what about Gar...
(Garland screams and crashes into the seats.)
Alexis: Ow...
Garland: No help...ooh...no help...
Ying: That was COOL!
> (At the side entrance)
> Aeris: Vegeta, I'm scared. Hold me!
> Vegeta: (Grabs her between the legs) It'll be alright.
Jim: I don't think groping counts as a comforting gesture, Vegeta.
Garland: It'll get worse. We probably have one or two fight sequences
forthcoming.
> Bart: There could be Sailor b***hes anywhere, keep you guard up!
Alexis: Careful! They'll speak in gruff tones and sing sea shanties!
> Goku: I sense that they are near... They are coming...
> Spanky: (Imitating Goku) And they are bringing hot dogs...
Ying: Not hotdogs! Bananas! It's Chibi-usa's Seventh Birthday!
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Ying: No! I was joking! Really! Re...
(Another flurry of action ensues which leaves Ying gagged and duct-taped to the
ceiling.)
Morgan: (over mike) We need to talk about anger management.
Garland: This IS anger management.
Ying: Mmmm mmmm MMMMMPH!
Adol: Not now.
> Vincent: No, Goku's right. (Draws his gun)
> Cecilia: This really isn't time for art, Vincent.
> Vincent: Sorry... (Puts the drawing away and pulls out his gun)
Jim: Man, can we get back to the unrealistic dramatic parts?
> (The Scouts run up)
> Sailor Venus: Through the love of Venus!
> Sailor Saturn: On behalf of Saturn!
> Sailor Neptune: By the beauty of Neptune!
> Sailor Scouts: We will destroy you!
Garland: Girl anime goes sado-masochistic.
Alexis: Well, love can tear some people apart...
Kirin: I don't think they meant that literally, Alexis.
> Red XIII: I thought it went "We will punish you!"
> Sailor Venus: We're trying to be more original.
Adol: Yeah, changing one word revolutionizes the saying.
Ying: Mmmmph?
Adol: Not now.
> Rudy: That's a new one.
> (Captain Ginyu and Recoom enter the area)
> Captain Ginyu: We are here to help you!
> Recoom: We are...
> Ginyu/Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!! (Do their gay dance)
Jim: Why am I suddenly picturing the Backstreet Boys in this?
Adol: Because you sinned in a past life. Roll the bones.
> Vegeta: Oh s**t! You guys again?! Is Frieza going back to his cheap
> labor plan again!?
Kirin: Yeah, he uses the Ginyu force to settle labor disputes ALL the time.
> Captain Ginyu: (Speaking with a deep voice) No Vegeta! We were
> revived by the Scouts' leader with...
> Recoom: Soap operas!
> Captain Ginyu: Shut up, you! Right in the middle of my big moment!
> *Ahem* With... an INSTANT PLOT DEVICE!!!
Jim: Why have a back story when you could just use an instant plot device?
Ying: Mmmmmph...
> Recoom: Just add water!
> Red XIII: Forsooth! Now we may blame Cloud and Cait for influencing
> evils inflicted upon this world!
> Aeris: Red, you're overacting!
Kirin: No, he sounds pretty reasonable.
> Red XIII: (Ignores her) Their products hath brought doom,
> destruction, insanity, and p***ies with gay dances upon us! Yeah,
> verily it is the Instant Plot Device (just add water) that will
> destroy us all!
Garland: See? That's just what I was saying about...
Alexis: Not interested.
Garland: (pitiful) It's true...
> All: (Applaud)
> Recoom: I like soap operas.
> Rudy: Enough of this soap opera s**t! (Pulls out the Arch Smash and
> blows Recoom away)
Jim: You know, I was beginning to miss this random blowing away
of people. Thanks so much, Dyne.
Adol: Rudy was later indicted in superior court. In a moment, the results of that trial.
> Vincent: Now you will all perish!
> (Their fight begins)
>
Garland: Okay, cut Ying down.
(Ying is cut down and ungagged.)
Ying: You could have given me some warning, y'know.
Jim: And ruin the fun? Nonsense!
[commercial]
----------
This episode brought to you by The Mutual of Wedge.
Insuring the Multiverse since 1958.
----------
[back]
> (At the rear entrance)
> Sailor Mercury: Come on. I think your friend is over here!
> Dav: Easier said than done. (Jumps away from a laser trap) You're
> lucky since these things don't activate for you!
Adol: (Dav) So damn lucky. Get beaten to a pulp, suffer internal bleeding, forced to
hang out with the Sailor Scouts, you have ALL the luck.
> Sailor Mercury: After we help your friend we may be able to reach the
> central control room and I can turn the traps off.
Kirin: (Mercury) Not that I will. Just thought I'd let you know.
> Dav: Great, let's go! (Turns a corner and sees Sailor Moon coming) Oh
> s**t! (Jumps back) Meatball head's coming!
> Sailor Mercury: You know that her boyfriend also calls her that don't you?
> Dav: He does? Oh man! Now I have to come up with another name!
Alexis: You know what this indicates, right?
Garland: What?
Alexis: The author's actually watched the show.
Jim: Heh.
> Sailor Mercury: I'll distract her, you slip by. (Turns the corner)
> Sailor Moon: Sailor Mercury! You escaped!
> Sailor Mercury: Uh... yeah... so I did.
> Dav: (Slips by)
> Sailor Moon: Wait, the Mistress detected two people in this sector!
Ying: (Moon) You're one and I'm two. That works.
> (Turns around) Hey! You!
> Dav: (Stops) F**k!
Kirin: (Moon) Right me beauties, you are NICKED.
> Sailor Moon: You're not going anywhere!
Adol: Especially not New Delhi!
> I am Sailor Moon! The Champion of Justice!
Alexis: She was the Champion of Justice the year America boycotted.
> I will right wrongs and triumph over evil like you! On behalf of the
> moon, I will punish you!
> Dav: (Has Atma Weapon drawn) So? What's you point?
Jim: Her nipples are kind of pointy.
Garland: Hey, watch it.
> Sailor Moon: C'mon Mercury, we can handle him!
> Sailor Mercury: Okay! Mercury Ice Bubbles! FREEZE!!!
Ying: Hey! I've heard of taking a cold shower, but this is obscene!
> Sailor Moon: MOON SCEPTER EL- (Gets frozen) HUH?! Mercury you missed!
> Sailor Mercury: Actually no.
Kirin: (James Bond) I never miss.
>(Walks up to Dav)
> Dav: I owe you one. (Kisses her)
Adol: Uh, that's okay. Keep it.
> Had me scared for a minute there.
Jim: (Dav) So would you please take off the hockey mask?
> Sailor Mercury: C'mon, the dungeon's this way. (They run out)
> Sailor Moon: Traitor! B***h! Sexual lebasidas demicriada!
Garland: Whoa, don't hold back.
Alexis: And you know, I STILL have absolutely no idea what this means.
> (Back to Cloud's group)
> Tifa: (Fighting Sailor Mars, of course) I'll kill you if it's the
> last thing I do!
Jim: (Tifa) I'll kill you, Godo!
> Sailor Mars: Yeah right, b***h!
> Tifa: This time I've got a secret weapon!
Kirin: Oatmeal!
> Get her, Steve!
> Steve: Babes! (Runs up and starts to rape Sailor Mars)
Alexis: ...what?
Kirin: Oh, s**t.
Alexis: Let me get this straight. Dyne actually thinks rape is FUNNY?! Well, let me tell
YOU something, pal...
(Alexis slumps over and goes to sleep.)
Kirin: Phew. Nice save, Adol.
Adol: (with syringe) I try.
Jim: Better dispose of the evidence. We don't know what will happen if she finds out what
we did.
Garland: (Covers his eyes) Oh, thank you so very much, Dyne. Thank you so BLOODY MUCH!
> Steel: Look out guys! This is going to get ugly!
> Sailor Mars: Help! Rape! RAPE!!!
Jim: Sailor I Spit on Your Grave, apparently.
> Steve: Babes!
> Cloud: Well, he's pulling a Link.
> Link: Damn right!
Kirin: Why, thank you for THAT image too!
> Jack: (Fighting Sailor Uranus) Weak sword moves there, b***h!
> Sailor Uranus: (With the Space Sword drawn) At least I don't have a
> gay rat as a partner!
> Jack: Hanpan is not gay! And he'll prove it!
Adol: (Jack) As soon as he stops humping my leg...
> Get her!
> Hanpan: Okay! (Runs up Sailor Uranus' skirt)
> Sailor Uranus: HEY!!!
> Jack: (Whacks her with his hair and knocks her across the corridor)
Garland: Kirin, can you do that with your ponytail?
Kirin: Only with a lot of mousse.
> Hanpan: (Runs back) Jack if you ever make me do that again!
Jim: I'll use correct punctuation!
> Sailor Pluto: Time to end this, I'll rip you out of time! DEAD
> SCREAM!!!
> (Crono, Frog, and Lucca appear)
Kirin: Okay, what the HELL is going on?!?
Ying: This reminds me of the time I got stuck in the dryer. It's hot, it's cramped,
and I think it's melting my brain.
Adol: We did that to Gamma once.
Garland: You WHAT?
> Sailor Pluto: Hey! He's the one who zapped me earlier!
Jim: Oh! So that's the answer to number 4...
Kirin: You kept track of the answers?
Jim: Sure, didn't you guys?
(Uneasy coughs)
Jim: Uh, never mind.
Adol: Get the duct tape ready again.
> Crono: Huh?! What the hell happened?! We were in the middle of
> traveling through a Gate when we suddenly stopped!
Ying: Kinda of like we exited one! Weird, huh?
Jim: See? Now this would be an interesting plot twist for Sailor Moon. Who pops out
of the portal next?
Garland: Next week we have Emmanuel Lewis and Tony Danza popping out. The week after
that has Ichiro Suzuki and Kevin Spacey! Don't miss it!
> Frog: Perhaps thou hast an answer, Lucca.
Adol: (Lucca) Look, I needed a break! Just go get some complimentary coffee while I
head to the little girls room, 'kay?
> Lucca: I have no idea. But here's another Gate. (She opens it and
> they jump in)
> Link: Well that was weird!
Jim: So...what happened to Sailor Mars being raped?
Garland: Do you value your legs?
Jim: Well, I...
Garland: Speak not of it.
> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Fei: Eat this, b***h! (Performs his Yamikei combo on Sailor Pluto)
> Sailor Pluto: (Gets knocked out)
> Sailor Jupiter: JUPITER THUNDER DRAGON!!! (Summons the dragon)
> Barret: I'll handle dis foo'! (Raises his gun-arm)
Ying: Protoman, no!
> Dragon: (Bites the gun-arm and shocks Barret)
Adol: Now that's an effective dragon.
Jim: Bravo. Don't bite his head off or anything easy.
> Barret: S****************T!!!
> Steel: (Grabs a fire extinguisher and destroys the dragon)
(Alexis stirs)
Garland: Whuh-oh. Brace yourselves, boys.
> Link: I'll get the b***h! (Hookshots Sailor Jupiter over and raises
> his sword)
> Sailor Jupiter: AH! (Covers her eyes)
> Links: Not "AH", HA! (Lays a bomb at her feet and runs)
> Sailor Jupiter: Huh? (Looks down and gets blown away)
Adol: Hey! Vaudeville!
[Alexis wakes up]
Alexis: Was I asleep? Wow, the fic's more boring than I thought.
Jim: So you have no memory of any objectionable scenes?
Alexis: (blinking) Whaddaya mean? This whole fic's objectionable.
Ying: Never mind, then.
> Cloud: Come on! The sooner we find Cid the sooner we'll get outta
> here!
> (Everybody, including Steve, runs out)
Alexis: Wait. NOW I remember. Bastards.
Adol: Well, at least she's not in rant mode anymore.
Alexis: Typical rapist. Always cuts and runs afterwards.
Garland: (sigh) Moving on...
> (At the dungeon)
Kirin: The Modest Dungeon, as hosted by Brick Road.
> Dav: (Runs in) Cid! You all right?!
> Cid: They took my f**kin' cigarettes, and put 'em right over there, I
> can't f**kin' breathe!!! And why the hell are you with that goddamn
> f**kin' Sailor b***h?!
Garland: (Dav) Which one do you want answered first?
Ying: (Cid) It doesn't really matter. I'm just cranky from nicotine withdrawal.
Garland: (Dav) Understandable.
Ying: (Cid) Now f**kin' untie me already!
> Dav: It's okay, she's with us now. Amy, open the cell, I'll get his
> cigarettes. (They do so)
Garland: (Dav) Damn, forgot change for the machine.
Ying: (Cid) WHAT?!
Garland: (Dav) Just kidding.
> Cid: Hell yeah! (Takes a ciggie but notices that he's out of matches)
> ^$?%&%^&$^*^%$%?%^*%^*(&^$%^%^*)%(^)%&)%(%^&@$%^%)&(@$)%*)!#%^(%)&)$%
> ()%(^@)*(&)$^(&)*(%)&*(@$^)&()%&*$)#&(#$)&(@$)(%^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alexis: That's Cid talk for 'Oh dear, I appear to be out of matches. Oh well, I
guess I'm gonna have to make a run to the store. Geez, that kinda bites', right?
Jim: Nnnnnnnnnnno...
> I finally get my f**kin' cigs back and I'm f**kin' outta f**kin'
> matches!!!
Adol: Bitch, bitch, bitch...I mean b***h, b***h, b***h.
> Dav: You may want to short out some wires.
Kirin (Cid) Well, I guess that'll work instead of matches...
Garland (Dav) Wasn't talking to you.
> Sailor Mercury: Is that a good idea?
> Dav: It may knock out the power but those traps won't activate. (Cuts
> a hole in the wall)
Ying: Right into the Scouts' dressing room.
Others: (Scouts) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! PERVERT!
> (At Vegeta's team)
Adol: They're preparing for their "Flying V" offense!
> Captain Ginyu: Time to unleash a new attack! (Starts a new gay dance)
> Spanky: Oh s**t! It's draining my life force away!
> Aeris: Vegeta! Do something!
Jim: Yeah! Quick, jump up and down and demand a cucumber!
(*DING*)
Ying: Huh?
Garland: Wow. Limit break. That never happened before...
Ying and Jim: I'll be good.
> Vegeta: Ready, Kakaraught?
> Goku: Let's do it! Kao Cannon times..... 1000! (Fires it)
Alexis: (Vegeta) No, not at meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
> Vegeta: (Fires a Solar Flare into the some spot as the Kao Cannon and
> its power intensifies)
Kirin: Shades on.
(the group puts on sunglasses.)
> Goku/Vegeta: KAO FLARE!!! (The blast shoots toward Captain Ginyu)
> Captain Ginyu: Oh... no! (Gets blown across the galaxy)
All: Oooooooh.
[They take off the glasses.]
Adol: Has anybody ever told you you look like Riff from Sluggy Freelance with
those glasses on, Kirin?
Kirin: Yeah yeah yeah...
> Spanky: I take back that comment about the strongest power I made
> back in Midgar.
Ying: What comment?
Alexis: Lessee...
(Alexis flips through script)
Alexis: Nope. Can't find it.
Kirin: We in the audience will just have to take his word for it, won't we?
Garland: (angrily) I hate the damn monkey.
> Rudy: Damn, that was cool!
> Cecilia: Isn't that Jack's line?
> Rudy: Well, he's not here to say it!
> Aeris: Thanks Vegeta, I'll pay you back tonight.
> Vegeta: HELL YA'!!!
> Sailor Venus: Hello? Can we continue fighting?!
Jim: Er...no.
> Vincent: Okay. (Turns into the Galian Beast) Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!
> Sailor Venus: S**t! Not again! (Runs like hell)
> Vincent: This time I'm actually going to hit! (Slams Sailor Venus
> into the wall)
Ying: I think this qualifies as cruel and unusual.
Jim: Cool, she left a little Sailor Scout shaped dent in the wall!
> Sailor Neptune: We're going to need some teamwork.
> Sailor Saturn: Gotcha! SILENCE
Jim: Is golden.
> WALL!!! (Forms a barrier around Sailor Neptune)
> Bart: Way to leave yourself open, b***h! (Cracks his whip, wraps it
> around Sailor Saturn, and pulls)
> Sailor Saturn: (Spins around over and over) Whoooooaaaaaa!!! (Gets
> incredibly dizzy and pukes all over Red XIII)
> Red XIII: EEEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! (Mauls Sailor Saturn and
> knocks her out)
> Sailor Neptune: Uh oh, time for a new strategy!
Jim: Quick! Create a two front war! One invade across the English Channel and the
other repel an attack at Stalingrad!
> Spanky: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Sailor Neptune: (Opens a panel in the wall and pulls out a gun) Ha!
> This is hooked directly to the main power core!
Ying: Then, of course, she promptly yanks the cord out on accident.
> Rudy: Oh, great!
> Sailor Neptune: Yeah, great for me! (About to pull the trigger when
> the power goes out and the auxiliary turns on) Oh s**t!
Jim: (Rudy) Yeah, oh s**t for me! Oh, wait.
> Cecilia: Stupid whore! (Whacks Sailor Neptune on the head and knocks
> her out)
Ying: Oh, bravo. Really made for an epic battle, no? (looks around) Guys? Guys?
(Adol, Garland, Kirin, and Alexis enter back in the theater.)
Adol: Hi, Jim. Hi, Ying. We were just out during that section getting snacks.
Peanut butter cup?
Ying: I hate you.
> Red XIII: (Finishes licking the vomit off of himself) Okay, let's go!
> (They all move on)
Jim: So is that cherry-flavored vomit, or...no. Won't ask.
> (Back in the dungeon)
Kirin: Dav and Amy pass the Count of Monte Cristo and just make fun of him.
> Dav: Well we did short out the power. Feel better, Cid?
> Cid: (Smoking ten cigs at once) Hell yeah!
Garland: (Cid) I am in flavor country.
Alexis: (Dav) Ten at once?
Garland: (Cid) Big country.
> Sailor Mercury: Okay, time to get Yuffie!
> Dav: I'm with you!
> Cid: Same here, I'll get that b***h for what she did to me!
Ying: (Cid) Try and increase my life span by twenty years while making me socially
attractive? The fiend!
> Sailor Mercury: All right, time for mutiny!
> Dav/Cid: Hell yeah!
>
> (In the central control room)
Adol: Fat lot of good this place has been doing.
> Yuffie: (Looking at the surveillance screens) They're all headed for
> this room. (Turns her chair to face away from the doors)
Jim: (Yuffie) Oh wait, we already did the "unveiling of the secret villain." Oh
well, might as well run through the motions anyway.
> (Cloud's team runs in)
> Barret: So you're da top b***h! Who da f**k are you?!
> Tifa: And what did you do with Cid?!
Alexis: (Tifa) If he's the same, you can keep him.
> Cloud: Why the hell are you doing this?!
> Steve: Babes!
> (Vegeta's team runs in)
Kirin: (Vegeta) Don't ask.
Garland: (Cloud) Why are all of you wearing spandex and tutus?
Kirin: (Vegeta) DON'T ASK.
> Aeris: We're all here!
Garland: (Cloud) Wait. Where's your dress, Aeris?
Jim: (Aeris) DON'T ASK.
> Vincent: And whoever you are, you will be annihilated. (Pulls out his
> chainsaw and revs it up)
> Spanky: It's because of you that our games of Smash Bros. were cut
> short!
> Steel: Damn right!
> Vegeta: We'd still be playing if you hadn't screwed up our weekend!
Ying: Okay, I can agree that murder is an acceptable form of retaliation here...
Alexis: Kirin, remind me not to disrupt Bodger when she's playing Terranigma.
> Yuffie: Mwahahahahahahaha!!! None of you know who I am?
Jim: Well, they aren't exactly great detectives. In fact, I'd say they have the same
skills of one Dr. Watson.
Adol: The virus detector?
Jim: No sh*t, Sher--
(Everyone glares at him)
Jim: Never mind.
> The one who will soon rule over all is me-
Alexis: "is *I*", thank you.
> Sailor Moon: (Runs in) Yuffie! Sailor Mercury's a traitor!
> AVALANCHE: YUFFIE?!
> Yuffie: (Turns around) Godammit Serena! You ruined my best line ever!
Garland: "Mwahaha" is her best line ever?
> I'll deal with you after I kill them! (Turns to the team) Remember
> this?! (Pulls out the Knights-of-the-Round materia)
Adol: (Vincent) Yeah. I have it equipped, see?
Ying: (Yuffie) Huh?
> Cloud: Oh crap!
> Barret: Sh't!
> Link: This doesn't appear to be a good thing.
> Yuffie: Ironic, isn't it?
Jim: A little TOO ironic, and yet I really do think...
All: (singing) It's like RAYAYAAAAAAAIN on your wedding day!
> The most powerful materia in the world is going to destroy its owner!
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!! ULTIMATE E- (A rock knocks the materia out of
> her hand) Huh?! What the hell?!
Kirin: And that was our climax. Thanks for reading!
Adol: Who the hell decided the rock would be the deus ex machina?
> Cait Sith: (Catches the materia) Who did that?!
Ying: Steve Gutt...?
Garland: No, don't you dare even suggest it.
> (Dav, Cid, and Sailor Mercury walk in)
Alexis: (Dav) Hey, we just passed this competent guy carrying a bunch of rocks.
Anyone know him?
> Dav: And just think, I didn't even have to aim.
> Tifa: Dav! You're back! And you helped Cid!
Adol: (Cloud) So when do we get to kill him?
Ying: (Fei) SHHHHHHH!
> All: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Steel: But why is the Sailor b***h with you?!
Jim: Eminem's last words before changing his mind on homosexual rights.
Kirin: I either didn't get that or I didn't want to get it.
> Dav: Don't you ever call her that! If you do you'll feel the wrong
> end of my sword! Amy and I are uh...well... uh... you know.
Garland: (Dav) Morons. Yeah, that's it.
Adol: (Cloud) Oh, that's different. KILL HIM!
> Sailor Mercury: We're in love.
> Dav: Right, that. (They kiss)
Ying: Yeah, right. (Blanch)
> AVALANCHE/Sailor Moon: Wohoo!!!
> Yuffie: No! My dreams are shattered! My plans are ruined!
Alexis: It's kind of sad that you feel more sad for Yuffie, the person who
tortures people with bad fanfiction, than AVALANCHE, who had to swear a lot
and be really lucky in order to defeat her.
> WWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
> Sailor Moon: Crybaby!
> Dav: (Pulls back) That reminds me. Time to do what I do in every fic!
> JUSTICE SLASH!!! (Hits Yuffie)
> Yuffie: I regret nothing! (Dies)
All: (bitterly) Well you SHOULD.
> Cloud: So Dav, is that why you ran?
> Dav: (Puts Atma Weapon away) Sorry I did that Cloud. My emotions got
> the best of me.
Kirin: (Dav) Sorry my morality acted up and I objected to you beating up a
defenseless woman. How rude of me!
> Sailor Moon: But what will we do now?
Ying: (singing) Where do we go from here?
Jim: I think this would be a sufficient place to leave those little high school
picture ending things like from Can't Hardly Wait. You know, have a person's
picture and sum up what happened to them after the fic?
Adol: You mean like "TIFA: Dead from alcohol poisoning."
Jim: Yeah. Just do that for all of 'em.
Garland: Oh, like "CLOUD: Single sex fiend in the Bayview Retirement Home."
Jim: Er, no, I mean like "CLOUD: Dead from alcohol poisoning." Then just keep
doing that down the line.
Adol: So they're all going to die from alcohol poisoning?
Jim: That's my plan!
> (The rest of the Scouts run in)
> Sailor Venus: There they are!
Alexis: (Venus) Arrest those men!
Ying: (Spock) Arrest yourself!
Kirin: This has been a Star Trek VI moment. Thank you.
> Steve: Babes!
> Sailor Mars: (Shudders)
> Sailor Mercury: STOP!!! Yuffie is dead-
> AVALANCHE: Again.
> Sailor Mercury: And we were about to discuss what we're going to do
> next!
Garland: Let's flash forward 500 years and see Red XIII get killed, okay?
> Dav: The way I see it is this.
Adol: (Dav) Short skirts. Hostility towards women. I think it's time to open
a brothel.
Ying: You tell ME not to give him ideas...
> If you girls all go back to the way you used to be before Yuffie took
> over then everything'll be as normal as it ever was.
Kirin: You know, intelligent.
> OR...
> Sailor Scouts: OR?!
> Dav: If you continue to keep doing what you're doing now and trying
> to take over the world then we'll lock you all, except for Mercury of
> course, in a room with HIM! (Points at Steve)
Jim: (Dav) And he'll keep trying to explain his ideas for flat tax to you!
> Steve: BABES!!!
> Sailor Scouts: (Scream) NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alexis: (simultaneously w/ Scouts) NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ying: Geez, the way she reacts, you'd think SHE was Sailor Mars.
> Link: Oh man, that IS a fate worse than death. I don't feel sorry for
> Ramza anymore.
Garland (Link) Well, except for the fact that he got pushed out of a plane
and is forced to mate with somebody he hardly knows, but...
Kirin: Logic...
Garland: Oh, right.
> Sailor Moon: We'll go back to our old ways!
Jim: (Sailor Moon) Wetting the bed, crying, playing with Barbies, anything!
> Sailor Mars: Just keep me away from him!
> Steve: Babes!
> Cloud: Done.
Adol: (ominous) Your deal with the devil is now complete!
> Barret: But what we gonna do now?
> Jack: We all go home.
> Cid: Yeah, I've got about ten packs to catch up on.
> Goku: Only ten?
> Cid: Oops, that's ten thousand packs.
Alexis: (Cid) You've gotta remember that whenever I say a number, you have to
multiply it by a thousand.
Kirin: Nicotine dependence is fun, isn't it?
Alexis: Oh, but we kid Cid's harrowing addiction.
> Dav: I have an idea as well.
Ying: If it were an original one, it'd be a first for the fic.
> (Turns to Sailor Mercury) Amy, will you marry me?
> All: HUH?!
Adol: NO! NOOOO!
Garland: Calm down! She hasn't said yes ye...
> Sailor Mercury: Of course!
Garland: Aw, DAMN YOU MERC!
Adol: GOD NO! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS! WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Kirin: You DO realize she's under the age of consent, don't you Dav?
Adol: NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! NOT MERC! ANYTHING BUT MERC!
Jim: This SO proves she's an S&M freak.
Ying: It does not.
Jim: Does too! She fell in love with the guy after he let her get tortured,
then he kept her stowed away on an island while she was weak and nubile.
Then she spent the rest of the fic barely letting him escape death traps!
She's got the whips and chains all ready.
Alexis: I think this just proves YOU'RE a freak.
Jim: Be that way.
Adol: I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN! NEVER! NEVER! (breathes)
Garland: Better?
Adol: Yeah...
> Bart: Aren't you guys rushing it?!
> Dav: Hey, Vegeta proposed to Aeris after ten minutes!
> Everyone: (Looks at Vegeta)
> Vegeta: He's right.
Ying: (Vegeta) But it was a plot contrivance!
> Tifa: Well yeah but you're both only 17! You're too young!
> Dav: Reality check here, Tifa. You're only 20 and you own a bar...
> YOU'RE NOT EVEN AT THE LEGAL AGE TO DRINK!!!
Jim: See? Not being able to drink proves that Dav and Sailor Mercury are truly
in love!
> Everyone: (Looks at Tifa)
> Tifa: (Is speechless) Uh...
> Sailor Mercury: It's settled then!
Kirin: Can videogame characters and anime characters crossbreed? Isn't that
dangerous?
Adol: Yeah, you should see Luigi and Releena's kids.
(pause)
Alexis: Yeah?
Adol: Uuuuuuuuuugly little buggers.
Kirin: Thank you...
> Cait Sith: Dav, I'll be your matchmaker, preacher-
> AVALANCHE: We all know the line, Cait!
> Cait Sith: Sorry...
> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey!
> All: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say
> "move out" or something!?
> Cloud: There's just no pleasing you people!
Jim: Shout "Rape and brutalize the women!" That seems to ignite their
enthusiasm.
Garland: Jim, come with me.
Jim: What? What did I...?
Garland: Get up.
Jim: But I don't WANT to...
(Garland drags Jim off to the outside of the theater.)
> (Outside the base)
Ying: Lay the cube root of 10.
> Rudy: Well we'd better get the fairy boy back to Hyrule and the rest
> of you back to Midgar.
> Link: No! Don't take me back there! I beg you!
> Jack: All right, you can stay with us. But you have to do all of our
> chores!
Adol: You know, like swearing and cleaning up beer. Heck, it's like working
in a roadhouse.
> Link: I will! I will!
Alexis: (Jack) N' you haf to take th' blame fer everything I do, and you haf'
to call me "King Jack the Magnificent."
Kirin: (Link) Okay, big bro!
> Cid: (Sees the Gull Wing) Where the hell's the Highwind?!
> Cloud: Well... um... tell 'im, Barret.
> Barret: Oh no! You tell 'im, Vince!
> Vincent: Red XIII's the best storyteller.
> Red XIII: No thank you, that job goes to Cait Sith.
> Cait Sith: Well maybe Spanky wants to tell him.
> Spanky: No, Steel does.
> Steel: Perhaps-
> Cid: Will you just f**king tell me?!
All: (AVALANCHE) It was Steve's fault.
> Dav: We'd better get outta here.
Ying: (Bing) Come on, Dean, lets get out of this picture!
> Sailor Mercury: Good idea. (Picks Dav up and flies away in time to
> hear Cid spew out a record-breaking amount of cussing)
Alexis: What? No long pointless string of symbols? What a rip-off.
(We hear a loud and painful scream from outside, followed by an audible slash.)
Adol: Uh-oh.
Jim: (off-screen) OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
Garland: (off-screen) Aw, just get a band-aid, you baby.
Jim: (off-screen) YOU CUT OFF MY ARM!
Garland: (off-screen) Get a BIG band-aid then.
> (Sing to the music of "Fly Away")
Ying: We're suppose to sing Cid's cussing to the tune of Fly Away?
Adol: What? No. NO! Not a musical number!
> Sailor Mercury: I wanna fly! Like a dragonfly! While being with my
> guy!
All: ACK!
[Alexis and Kirin promptly put in the earplugs they've had ever since
Anime Northwest Love Boat.]
Kirin: Always travel prepared, I say.
> Dav: It's just something that'll get you high!
> Sailor Mercury: And we start to fly! All over the beautiful sky! And
> we go, just him and I!
Ying: Kind of like American Pie!
Adol: I wish you'd die!
Ying: Hey! You're gonna make me cry!
Kirin: Let add some codici!
Alexis: ...whatever, Kirin.
> Dav: Good God, but you're sly!
> Mercury/Dav: I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah! I
> wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah!
Kirin: Hey, I don't remember seeing a disclaimer for this song! I wonder
how Lenny Kravitz would feel about this.
Alexis: Probably very sleepy.
(Garland and Jim comes back in. Jim's arm is wrapped up in duct tape and
he's whimpering slightly.)
Garland: What's going on?
Adol: Musical number.
Garland: CRAP!
(Garland runs out.)
Kirin: Why didn't I think of that?
Alexis: Because they didn't have a servo-droid with a cattle prod in the
back at the time.
(ZAP!)
Garland: (off-screen) YOW!
Adol: Wow. Never saw him jump that high before.
> (At the Gull Wing)
> Cid: I want my ship fast! If not then for you pansies I kick all of
> your @$$!
Jim: That's a weird thing to say, even for him.
(Garland comes back in, whimpering.)
> Cait Sith: That won't last!
> Cid: It will be fast! When I kick your @$$!
> Cait Sith: I'd rather smell Red's gas!!
Kirin: You know, this is really disappointing as the sequel to Singing
in the Rain.
> Cid/Cait: I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah! I
> wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah!
Adol: Our thoughts, exactly.
> Cait Sith: I'd better fly away!
> Cid: Damn right!
> (Song's done)
Ying: God's in his heaven, and all is right in the world.
> Sailor Mars: Hey! I didn't get to sing!
> Dav: You know, I think we forgot something.
> Sailor Mercury: I'm sure it's nothing.
Garland: Meanwhile...
Alexis: (Macauley Culkin) AAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGH!
> (On the Satellite of Love)
> Mike: Hey! Hello?! What about us?! We're still stuck up here!
Jim: (flat) Oh, this is REALLY funny!
Kirin: This is cruel and unusual, Morgan!
Morgan: (over mike) Whatever ails you, I guess.
> Tom Servo: This is a maximum suckage!
> Crow: Don't worry guys, the good thing is that both Dr. Forrester AND
> Yuffie are gone!
Ying: (Crow) The bad news is that we're all out of food and oxygen. Oh well.
Adol: Don't kid about that!
Ying: Oh, yeah, you guys are on satellites. Sorry.
> Mike: Yeah you're right. We can just live up here and never have to
> worry about bad movies or cheesy fanfics ever again.
Garland: (Mike) If I really believe that, I'm much stupider than I usually act.
> Gypsy: Hey guys! Someone's calling!
> Tom Servo: Good, hopefully it's someone who'll help us get down
> anyway.
> Cambot: (Puts the caller on-screen)
Jim: Hey look, it's Morgan!
*ZAP!*
Jim: OW!
Morgan: (on mike) Kindly refrain from including me in your riffs.
Adol: Stupid servdroid with the cattle prod.
> Frieza: So you guys are the ones up here!
Alexis: As opposed to who?
Garland: Maybe he's been chasing after the Satellite of Dite or something.
> Mike: Are you going to help us?!
> Frieza: Hell no! I'm here to take over!
> Mike/Crow/Servo: Oh... poop!
Ying: Yes, evil triumphs once more thanks to AVALANCHE!
> Frieza: I guess I'll have to use bad TV shows. Hmm... let's start
> with every episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers then work into
> Care Bears.
> Mike/Crow/Servo: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Frieza: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Alexis: That's the worst they could do? What about the Super Mario Brothers Show?
What about Mr. Rhodes? What about My Mother, the Car?
Adol: Don't give them any ideas!
Morgan: (on mike) Don't give ME any ideas...
All:...
> (Back on the planet the day of the wedding arrives)
Jim: After being lost in the country for a couple of days thanks to Cait Sith's
bad directions.
> Cait Sith: Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to... Do we
> really want to go through with all of this?
Garland: Not really.
Kirin: Well, it is tradition...
> All: No!
> Cait Sith: Skip it then. Dav Cole, to you take Amy Anderson to be
> your lawfully wedded wife?
> Dav: You bet!
Ying: It seems all fine and dandy now, but wait until he realizes he married Amy
and not Sailor Mercury.
Jim: They're the same person.
Ying: Split personalities. It's like Doppelganger gone wrong.
> Cait Sith: Amy Anderson, do you take Dav Cole to be your lawfully
> wedded husband?
Adol: (Cait Sith) To be out of character and out of your mind until death do
you part?
> Amy: I do.
> Cait Sith: And by the power vested in me. And by the power behind
> Cid's threat to kill me if I don't help him repair the Highwind...
> Cid: Damn right!
Alexis: Talk about a shotgun wedding.
> Cait Sith: I pronounce you man and wife! You may now kiss the bride.
Garland: (Cait Sith) Here are your free gambling chips. Enjoy the Golden
Saucer. NEXT!
> Dav/Amy: (What else?)
Jim: What else? Are they asking US?
Adol: Hey! I want to object! Can I object?
> Everyone: (Applauds)
> Barret: Sh't man, I'm jes no good at weddins.
Ying: (Barret) It's like that time that that Murdock foo' went and married 'Manda!
> Fei: Second shortest wedding I've ever seen.
> Bart: What was the shortest?
> Fei: The one on Spaceballs.
> Bart: Oh yeah.
Alexis: Shortest wedding I ever saw was Tiny Tim's. It was kinda one-sided, though.
Garland: That's just not funny.
> Cait Sith: Wasn't there another wedding scheduled as well?
> Ruto: Yeah, right here!
> Ramza: (Wearing a leash) WWAAAAHHHH!!! I want Delita!
> Link/Dav: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Ramza's gay!
Ying: As proven by his marriage to a fish babe.
> Link: See, I knew we'd eventually agree on something.
> Dav: Damn right.
Jim: And thus an extremely disturbing friendship is born.
> Serena: So Amy? How does it feel to be the first one of us married?
> Amy: Different. Hey, time to toss the bouquet!
> Raye: Go ahead!
> Amy: (Tosses the bouquet)
Adol: ...hits a bird, who falls and knocks out the telephone lines...
> Bouquet: (Lands on Steve)
Alexis: Which gave him an aneurysm and killed him. The end.
Kirin: Uh, Alexis...
Alexis: I know that's your shtick, Kirin, but I just don't care anymore! *sob*
Garland: Jujube?
Alexis: Thank you.
> Steve: Babes!
> All the (single) girls: Oh f**k! (Run from Steve)
> Cecilia: I'll handle this one. Banish!
> Steve: (Gets sealed in another dimension where he is currently
> keeping Cait's Friend company.)
> Author's Note: You can just imagine what all their conversations are
> like.
Adol: Probably complex dissertations on the nature of the philosophy of
Nietzche and the works of Plato.
Jim: Yes, and we'd still rather be there.
> Cloud: Well I think you two had better cut the cake.
> Lita: Yeah, before Serena gets to it.
> Serena: (Being restrained by Steel and Spanky) It looks so good! I've
> gotta have it!
Kirin: Who's been putting heroin in the cake again?
> (The reception moves on into the night)
> Ryu: A toast!
Jim: Okay. Here's some butter.
Ying: I've got the cinnamon and sugar!
Alexis: CUT IT OUT!
> To Dav and Amy, may they have even more insane adventures than the
> one that brought them together.
Garland: And may we never hear about them.
> Nina: Here here!
> Vincent: I'm sure Dyne and Dave can handle that.
> Dyne: Damn right!
> Spanky: So how about one more game of Smash Bros. before this fic
> ends?
All: (sarcastic) Oh, whoopee.
> Vegeta: Good idea.
> Cloud: Yeah, pretty soon Dav's going to be too "busy" to play.
Morgan: (over mike) Yes. He's going to be finding out that eating Mercury
can cause brain damage.
Alexis: Ghhhhhh...
Ying: Oh, man! That's a hundred times worse than anything I said!
Morgan: (over mike) God, I love this job.
> Dav: Very funny. Come on, I'll show you guys how it's done. (They
> head downstairs)
> Red XIII: I'll scorekeep. Cait's circuits are a little messed up
> after drinking his friend's tequila. (Heads downstairs)
> Cait Sith: Tequila man!
Jim: With Cait's Friend gone, someone had to take up the mantle of Tequila Man.
That man...was Cait Sith. (sniffles) Fight on, Tequila Man. For great justice.
> Aeris: Well Amy, all I have to say is "Welcome to our group".
Adol: Check your soul at the door.
> Amy: Thanks, Aeris.
> Aeris: Now you and I can team up against Double D.
> Tifa: Oh no! She's on my side!
> Tifa/Aeris: (Start one of their endless arguments)
Garland: Gee, and here was a convention I thought they'd left out. More the
fool me.
Ying: Oh, girlfriends are fun, aren't they?
> Lita: They don't sound too much different than Serena and Raye.
> Mina: No s**t, Sherlock.
> Serena: (Drunk off her @$$) I am Shailor Moon, da' grandmudder o'
> justish!
> Raye: Whatta weirdo.
> Amy: I guess things won't be too different here after all.
Kirin: Just a lot dumber.
> (Downstairs)
> Dav: Let's see, I'll go with Donkey Kong this round.
> Cloud: Samus for me.
> Vegeta: Time to see if Fox is any good.
Adol, Jim, and Ying: ...in the sack.
(long pause)
Garland: Wow. Same punctuation even.
> Spanky: Hmm... I guess I'll be Pikachu.
Kirin: I thought he was dead!
Jim: Oh, you can't kill him. Oh, no... MWA HA HA HA!
> Red XIII: Uh oh guys, you heard 'im!
> Dav/Cloud/Vegeta: (Look at each other and nod)
> Spanky: Uh guys... why are you putting it on Team
> Battle all against me? Guys...?
Garland: (smiling) You see, Spanky, we all die alone and afraid...mwahahahaha!
> The End, at least until the next fic.
All: God forbid.
> Answers to the quiz:
> Jack from Wild ARMs attacked Sailor Jupiter.
Ying: Yeah, and he was in the fic, too. He and Hanpan really stole the show.
> Ness from Earthbound attacked Sailor Neptune.
> Samus from Metroid attacked Sailor Saturn.
> Crono from Chrono Trigger attacked Sailor Pluto.
Kirin: Thus showing good taste.
> James Bond from Goldeneye attacked Sailor Venus.
Alexis: Are there any reasons these people just outright attacked the
Sailor Scouts?
Garland: They must have seen the dubs.
> Kirby from the many Kirby games attacked Sailor Mars.
Ying: Kirby is cool, especially with a light saber.
> Reindhart from Castlevania 64 attacked Sailor Uranus.
Adol: Why Reindhart?
Jim: Oh, he would go after Uranus, wouldn't he.
Garland: Look, you still want your other arm intact?
Morgan: (over mike) Story's over. You are encouraged to make your
way to the lobby in an orderly fashion for debriefing and a return to your
respective dimensions as soon as...
(the theater is empty.)
Morgan: (over mike) ...never mind.
[switch to story mode]
"After the debriefing," affable host Roger Mudd said in the epilogue, "all
six expatriates were sent back to their owners with little or no fuss.
The Protoss, after a long discussion with Morgan, subcontracted out to
Morgan Industries as a fanfiction receiver forming the now famous Khala-Morgan
Fodder Combine which supplies avatar fiction to an unwilling world."
"Adol Christian and Dark Knight Garland returned to the Mojo just as the PJ
marathon was winding to an end. They arrived just in time to prevent fellow
denizen Dekar's suicide, and repaired damage to Gamma's memory circuits again.
They were sent home in 2007 after Judicator Aldaris decided the psychotorture
experiments weren't his thing and quit his Conclave post to become an inker
for Masashi Tanaka. The TRK crew found new life in returning to directing
various RPGs, among them Xenogears 2 and the continuation of the Words Worth
series."
"Alexis Davenport, Kirin Torak, and fellow colleague Hibichi spent more time
with Bodger than humanly reasonable until Galactic Revenue Agents caught up
with the Satellite of Avatars in early 2004. Bodger received a twenty year
isolation sentence, including an attempted murder charge on Crow-2 with a
cricket bat, and the avatars were released on recognizance. The four went
their own ways. Kirin managed to get an art studio in Crystal Tokyo.
Alexis decided to go into the field of astronavigation and married Garland,
who was at that time a Tactics SCA Chapter president, in the fall of 2009 with
Crow-2, who had taken up the clergy, as minister. Hibichi's whereabouts are
still unknown."
"Tragedy marked the end of the experiment on the 3rd Floor of Normal West High
School when Whitney Matheson shot and killed Dave Nelson in a wild shootout in
his office in 2004. The constituents were freed and formed the comedy troupe
known as 'Dav Cole's Proverb', a tribute to the experiment held years earlier."
"As for Morgan, he's still around. After losing some assets in the great
Multiverse Stock Crash, he cashed in his stocks in Khala-Morgan and moved to a
penthouse apartment in Dream City's Midway sector. Rumors that he was the one
responsible for loaning portions of the "Dave and Dyne Saga" have been so far
unsubstantiated. Same goes for his hair."
Roger Mudd smiled, then yawned before continuing.
"And so, the eons-old struggle between Light and Dark had ended and the curtain
rose on a new age of enlightenment. And if you believe that, I got a damn
motorboat I want to sell you as well. For the History Channel, I'm Roger Mudd.
Thanks for watching."
[END FEED]
Original Story by: Dyne
Riffing by: Bodger, Darth Kirby, and R. Jak.
Main Editing by: R. Jak
Refreshments supplied by: R. Jak's mother
Writing props are as follows:
Interlude by R. Jak, Darth Kirby, and Bodger.
First Skit ("Super Smash Brothers") By Darth Kirby
Second Skit ("Instant Plot Device") By Bodger
Ending ("For the History Channel...") By R. Jak
View the homesites!
Bodger (bodgerkirin@hotmail.com)
http://www.angelfire.com/d20/bodger/SoA.html
Darth Kirby (georgebobolink@hotmail.com)
http://www.angelfire.com/ak/captainoftheexplorer/mst4k.html
R. Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com)
http://members.nbci.com/RipperJak/news.htm
and Dyne (paradised@yahoo.com)
http://www.crosswinds.net/~gunarm_dyne
Copyright MultiMiST. All respected rights reserved.
All comments were satirical and were not aimed as a personal attack on the
writer concerned. And we seriously mean that. Dyne's serious stories are
awesome. You owe it to Dav to read them.
\\ Recoom: I like soap operas. //
"(Singing) Normal view! Normal view! Normal view! Noooormaaaaaal viiiieeeewww!" -MST3K Movie