The theme music ends, the pyrotechnics stop, and we see the announcers’ table after seeing about 2,000 posterboard signs.
JR: “Welcome to Blackballed-n-Chained! I’m Jim Ross, and with me is Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler. We are being televised live from the sold out Coliseum in Lohan!” (Kartman: “Um…it’s a fanfic. You’re being fanfictionalized live from Lohan!”) JR: “…Okay.” King: “I’ve been waiting for this night, ha, ha!” JR: “And what a night it’ll be. Tonight, we have a record-breaking 17 matches to bring you! This sets a new record in pay-per-fic history!” King: “It’s all good, but, J.R., but three things: This isn’t a record, this fic is free! And where’s the ring!?” JR: “Well, King, that’s in preparation for our first match.” Meow Mix Jingle plays. Ring Announcer: “The following contest is scheduled for one-fall, and is the Playground Brawl! First, from the respective towns of Lacour, and Walnak, at a combined weight of 152 pounds, Star Ocean 2’s Leon D.S. Geeste and Skywatcher’s Daniella Burlison!” Leon & Daniella: Running down the ramp. King: “What’s that on her shirt?” JR: “Looks like…’Burlison 4:20’…you know Daniella as the daughter of Erik Burlison, who’s to appear in a match later…Daniella’s known for the strange slogans she wears.” King: “Burlison 4:20 ! I like it!” You can call me…Tim. Ring Announcer: “And their opponents, from the respective towns of Baskar Village and Thamasa, Wild Arms 2’s Tim Rhymeless, and Final Fantasy 6’s Relm Arrowny.” JR: “This match came up after Leon and Daniella noticed Tim’s ability to summon Guardians. Thinking of the McMahon tactic of ‘summoning’ other Superstars to interfere in their matches, Daniella then compared him to a McMahon.” King: “And what a clever match up this is!” JR: “And you see that all those playground implements you see are legal in this match, as there is no disqualification and no count-out.” King: “Wow, Daniella sure is cute.” JR: “She’s 10 years old, you pervert!” Bell rings. JR: “And we are under way here in the Lohan Arena!” >Daniella (To Tim): “TIMMY!!! Hey, where’s your wheelchair and Ritalin?” >Tim: (?) JR: “And we are being joined by Scott, one of Tim’s friends. Say, where’s Tony?” Scott: “In my humble opinion, this one will be a slobberknocker. By the way, Tony’s not here because he’s hitting on Colette. I promised him I wouldn’t tell Tim, heh, heh, heh…” JR: “That’s my line.” > Leon : (Chases Tim up the spiral slide) >Tim: (Goes down the slide, and gets clotheslined by Daniella on the way down.) >Relm: (Catches Daniella in the sleeper hold) > Leon : (Elbow drops Relm from the top of the slide) JR: “Wow! What a drop! These kids are for real!” >Daniella: “Keep in mind I’m PRETTY psychotic! Eat this!” (climbs the ladder on the slide, tornado DDT’s Tim.) >Leon & Daniella: (high-five each other) >Relm: (from the seesaw) “Hey, fools, over here! Yeah, you, Mr. Kitty!” > Leon : “I HATE YOU!!!” (Rushes toward the seesaw) JR: “That wasn’t too called for, as you may know, Leon is a Fellpool. They’re known for their cat-like ears.” >Relm: (Lets her side of the seesaw drop, other end hits Leon in his area.) > Leon (high voice…well, at least a little higher than his normal one.): “Ow, my balls!” King: “Oh, and Leon gets crotched by the seesaw!” JR: “I think the reader figured that out, King. But that indeed was a slick low blow by Relm.” Scott: “In my humble opinion, Tim and Relm have a distinct advantage. Tim can just summon something like Grudiev.” JR: “I think that Leon and Daniella took that into consideration.” >Daniella: (Casts Reflect on herself and Leon.) >Tim: (Hits Daniella from behind with the sand shovel, covers.) >Daniella: (Kicks out after two.) JR: “I don’t think this match was a great idea. Tim just leveled Daniella with that shovel!” >Daniella (dazed): “Is that you, daddy?” King: “She can get out of it. She just did there, didn’t she?” JR: “She sure looks disoriented…” > Leon : (Recovers and rushes for the monkey bars nearby.) >Relm: (Follows.) > Leon : (Kicks Relm on a swing, and kicks her again on the return. He drops and covers.) >Tim: (Goes to ringside, grabs a steel chair. He heads for style='font-size: 8.0pt'>Leon .) >Relm: (Kicks out after two.) JR: “Now since when have there been steel chairs on the playground?” King: “Now, JR, you gotta sit somewhere!” > Leon : (Evades the chair shot) “Ha-ha!!!” >Tim: (Hits Relm instead) >Relm: (Is knocked unconscious) JR: “For the love of God! He just hit his own partner with that chair, and Relm looks to be out of this one!” >Daniella: “Whatta putz. Hey, Leon , let’s end this!” > Leon : “Most agreeable…” >Tim: “Ah, crap…!!! I hoped it wouldn’t come to this!” (Summons Grudiev) JR: “Tim is using that summoning thing to even it up with Daniella and Leon!” King: “Yeah, but what was that spell that Daniella cast earlier?” >Grudiev: (Launches its Graviton attack, the magic reflects off Daniella and Leon) Tim: (Is hit by his own attack. When the smoke clears, all that’s left is a pile of ash, with a queer-looking bow in it.) >Daniella: “That was it? The crappiest of your Guardians!? Maybe you should’ve let the Baskarians sacrifice you!” > Leon : “We can finish these idiots in 2 seconds now, can’t we?” King: “Things are lookin’ bad for Relm! Hey, JR, got any of that barbecue sauce handy?” JR: “Relm is in trouble, I’ll agree there.” Scott: “Oh my god, they killed Tim!” (Kartman: “This may be based on the WWF, but I never said it couldn’t become a deathmatch!”) >Relm: “You bastard!” >Daniella: “Weak! Is that all you got?” >Relm: “Not quite. Now I’ll paint your portrait!” (Starts painting Daniella’s portrait) >Daniella: “Time for some cutting-edge entertainment!!!” (Poses, throwing a chainsaw in the air) JR: “What is she doing?” King: “A very ‘Craftsman-like’ move!” >Relm: (produces a duplicate of Daniella, and a chainsaw about 20 feet above herself) >Fake Daniella: (attacks Daniella) >Duplicate Chainsaw: (Falls on Relm, slicing her in half) >Real Chainsaw: (Falls on the two halves, slicing them in half) > Leon : (Attacks and isolates the fake Daniella) >Daniella: (Covers what’s left of Relm, gets the three count) “Rest in pieces!!”Bell rings.
Fake Daniella: (Dematerializes) Ring announcer: “The winners of this match, Leon D.S. Geeste and Daniella Burlison!!” Daniella: “Dad’ll be proud of this one!” Scott: “In my humble opinion, that match sucked ass!” (leaves) JR: “Look at the carnage!!” (Really, could you say you didn’t see that line coming?) King: “I can’t believe what they did to Relm!” JR: “You could say she can be in four places at once!” King: “……Yeah, that’s a plus.” JR: “Alright, but what a start to this night at Lohan! Next, we have an unusual match between Just Joe and Selphie Tilmitt from FF8!” King: “And what kind of match is that?” JR: “It’s our first ever Pass It On match. Both of these two will receive a sealed envelope containing a message. They’ll start out in the ring, and the first one to find Commissioner Mick Foley and deliver that message to him wins.” King: “Yeah, but what is on the message?” JR: “Maybe it’s a notice for Rosie O’Donnell to stop making her show!!” King: “Or even an advertisement for something!!” JR: “Well, that’s for us to find out…Anyway, both these competitors are known for their messenger roles in their ‘places’.” Loud Voice: “HEEEEEEY!!!”, Trabia Garden theme plays JR: “Our next match is about to start! …But that sure is a lame-ass entrance theme.” Ring Announcer: “The following contest is the Pass it On Match. In order to win, one competitor must successfully deliver a message given to them to Commissioner Foley! First, hailing from Trabia, weighing in at 97 pounds, Selphie Tilmitt!” Selphie: (walks down the aisle, trips halfway down, and somehow rolls down the rest of the way) JR: “How did they get the ring here so quickly?” (Kartman: “I dunno…maybe it was Celcia’s ‘most horrible spell of all time’.”) King: “Check out that dress Selphie has on!” JR: “She certainly has an unusual color.” King: “Not that, there’s not much of one!” JR: “She looks like Pippi Longstocking!” (Kartman: [shudders]) Just Joe’s entrance theme plays. Ring Announcer: “And her opponent, Just Joe!” Just Joe: (Enters the ring) Referee: (Gives Joe and Selphie the message envelopes.)Bell Rings.
JR: “And this match is under way! The competitors have the envelopes!” >Selphie: “…” (Bolts out of the ring and speeds up the entrance ramp.) >Joe: (Gives chase) JR: “And Selphie is out of there like a scolded dog!” >Joe: (Catches up with Selphie, administers a drop-toehold) King: (Gets a BIG panty shot) “Wow!!!” >Selphie: “Heeey!” (Gets up, grabs a steel chair, and chases Joe) King: “Wow! She is hot!” >Selphie: (Hits Joe with the steel chair) JR: “It’s nothing but a footrace with weapons!” King: “Is it wrong to shoot someone in a footrace?” JR: “Joe would say ‘don’t shoot the messenger’…” >Selphie: (Enters the backstage area) >Joe: (recovers and follows) >Selphie: “I can’t believe they put you in a pay per view.” (Kartman: “Dammit, it’s a pay-per-fic!!! It’s time to change a thing or two in this fic.”) >Joe: “Yeah, well at least I get my messages delivered.” >Selphie: “So do I!! And besides, didn’t Stone Cold kick your ass anyway?” JR: “It’s turning into an exchange of words!” >Joe: “You’re awfully late, though. Especially with that order to withdraw from Dollet!” >Selphie: “Yeah, well Seifer did a half-assed job there anyway!” (Hits Joe with the chair again) JR: “Another chair shot!” >Selphie: “Smash your head to smithereens!” (Takes off) -- Meanwhile… Mick Foley (in a nacho cart in the area outside the main entrance, with his entire office set up there, playing FF7): “Take that you lousy Shinra guard! Ha-ha!” -- JR: “There’s our commissioner. Looks like he’s occupying his time pretty well.” >Selphie: (enters into the concession area) Zell (eating a hotdog): “S’up, Selphie!” >Selphie: “Heeey, Zell! Do you know where Commissioner Foley is?” Zell: “I wouldn’t know. I thought I saw him up here though.” >Selphie: “Uh, oh, gotta go!” (Takes off running) Zell: “These hotdogs taste like s**t. ………Must finish this one!!!!!!” (Continues eating) >Joe: (Runs by Zell) >Selphie: “Whoo-hoo!! HEEEY!!! COMMISSIONER FOLEY!!” Mick Foley: “Hey!! There you are!” >Selphie: “I have a message for you!” Bell rings. JR: “Looks like Selphie found the commissioner!” King: “Whoo-hoo!” Joe (Catching up) “Dammit!” Mick Foley: “Let me read that.” (Opens up the envelope) Selphie: (?) Mick Foley: “Hey, it’s the scripted result of this match!” King: “Huh?” JR: “Obviously something we don’t know about.” Mick Foley: (Reading the note, grabs a microphone) The winner of this match, JUST JOE!!!” JR: “What!?” King: “That’s what was on the card!?” Selphie: “You mean I didn’t win!? Major bummer!!!” Mick Foley: “I guess that’s what the card said. And my ruling is FINAL!” (Slams the gavel) Joe: “Yeah!” JR: “This is starting out weird.” King: “I was so hoping that Selphie would win!” JR: “They never said that this couldn’t happen because this is a Kartman-written fic…Let’s go backstage now and see what Michael Cole has to ask Washu, who’s scheduled to appear in the next match which will determine the Hardcore champion.” -- Mike: “Miss Washu, you’re set on winning Hardcore gold when you go up against the Lethal Weapon Steve Blackman in a Battle Royal. Any thoughts about this match?” Washu: “First things first, but (uses her ‘cute’ voice, her eyes get big and childlike) you can call me ‘Little Washu’. (returns to normal) I have no worries about this match. It doesn’t take the greatest scientific genius in the galaxy to figure out that I’ll be the winner here…wait, it does. Just you wait and see.” Mike: “You do know that three of the other four challengers for the title are also inventors don’t you?” Washu: “Of course I do, but none of them can hold a candle to my Dimensional Gate! I’ll take care of them!” -- JR: “Well, Washu seems very confident about this match. And it looks like it’s about to start.” King: “This one’ll be great!!” WAAAAAAY AFTER YOUR DEAD!!! (Rock version of the Linga town theme plays) (Author’s note: I know these entrance themes suck, but bear with me…) Precis: (Walks down the ramp, fully equipped with mechanical fist and Bobot.) Ring announcer: “The following contest has a four-minute time limit and is for the World Wrestling Federation Hardcore Championship! The winner of the title is whoever has the belt after the four minutes have expired! Introducing first, from the town of Linga, weighing in at 95 pounds, the Kindergarten Inventor, Star Ocean 2’s Precis F. Neuman!!” Precis: “Hey! I’m a high-school student!!!” Ring announcer: “…Sure.” The theme to ‘Weird Science’ plays. The entrance is obscured by a shower of sparks. The sparks clear up to reveal a toilet on the stage. Ring announcer: “Next, from parts unknown (Author’s note: Cartoon Network is rerunning the series, but it’s early in it, and I’m not exactly sure of where she’s from. If anyone knows, please tell me.), she is the greatest scientific genius in the galaxy, Washu!!!” Washu: (Climbs out of the toilet bowl, starts down the ramp.) (Author’s note: See ‘Tenchi in Tokyo’, Episode 21…I think it was Episode 21, or some episode near that one.) >Precis: “Wow, you’re shorter than I am!” ‘I’ve Got Friends in Low Places’ plays. Ring Announcer: “From Deception Pass, weighing in at 195 pounds, Expedition S’s Phil Lansing!” Phil: (heads for the ring, potato gun in hand) ‘Karma Slave’ by Splashdown plays. (Check the Titan AE soundtrack…otherwise that one would really suck ass.) Ring Announcer: “From Corneria City, weighing in at 144 pounds, the Chaingunner, Expedition S’s Ibis Selas!” Ibis: (Runs down the ramp, carrying a steel garbage can with assorted objects inside) ‘70s rock tune plays. Ring announcer: “From Florentine, weighing in at 213 pounds, the creator of the Compact Arsenal, and many more implements of destruction, Draconan Saga’s Thomas Remington!” Thomas: “Let’s get it on!” (heads for the ring) King: “That old fart?” JR: “What are you talking about? We’re older than he is!” Steve Blackman’s entrance theme plays. Ring announcer: “And finally, from Annville, Pennsylvania, weighing in at 247 pounds, he is the WWF Hardcore Champion, the Lethal Weapon, Steve Blackman!” Blackman: (Walks down the ramp, carrying in one hand a steel trash can containing a kendo stick, some other items, and carrying in the other hand the trash can lid) Bell Rings. T-minus 4:00. JR: “And we have just gotten started in this match, and I’m just receiving word that this match is being called ‘No Need for Garbage Cans’! But who’s naming these?” King: “Ha, ha! Look at that!” >Ibis: (Picks up Precis and throws her at Steve Blackman) >Blackman: (Hits Precis in the head with the garbage can lid) >Washu: “Anyone seen my puppets?” >Phil: “No, I haven’t.” >Washu: “Oh, here they are!!!” >Puppet Washu A (Those puppets that look like Terrance & Philip characters): (materializes and attacks Phil.) >Puppet Washu B: “That’s how you whup ass!! Go, Washu!!” >Ibis: (Baseball slides and catches Blackman from behind) >Precis: “Now I’m mad!!” (attacks Ibis with the mechanical fist) >Ibis: (is knocked back by the impact) T-minus 3:30 >Phil: (Smashes the garbage can over Precis’s head, gets tripped by Washu’s ‘A’ puppet, and accidentally throws the garbage can) >Garbage Can: (Hits Washu) >Blackman: (Starts digging under the ring for more items.) >Phil: (Hits Blackman from behind with garbage can lid.) >Everyone: (Starts moving out of the ring area.) >Precis: (Punches Thomas with the mechanical fist.) >Thomas: “Why you stumpy little…I’d take you out easily with my creations!” >Precis: (Throws Bobot 1.0 at Thomas) >Thomas: (dodging) “Ha! You missed me! Kindergarten brat!” >Precis: “I’m NOT A KINDERGARTENER!!!” (Kicks Bobot 2.0 at him.) >Bobot 1.0: (Nails Phil in the head, allowing Blackman to go on the offensive) >Ibis: “This is just plain ridiculous!” (Wields a bazooka-like contraption) JR: “She could take out the entire line of competitors with that!” >Ibis: “Take this you big-eyed nut sack!!” (Fires the contraption, launching a rubber hand in the eye poke position, at Precis) King: “The dreaded Stooges Eye Poker Cannon!!!” >Blackman: (Hits Phil with the garbage can lid, spins, hits him in the back of the head) T-Minus 2:40. >Washu: (Hits Blackman from behind with the steel chair, covers for a three count) JR: “How unscientific a maneuver…” Ring Announcer: “The new Hardcore Champion, Washu!!!” >Washu: (Makes a rush for the exit) King: “Yeah, but the match is still on, isn’t it?!” >Ibis: (Corkscrew moonsaults Thomas from the ring post to the outside) >Precis, Blackman: (Chase Washu; Blackman is carrying the pair of sticks) >Washu: (Throws the steel chair back) >Precis: (Is hit by the chair, then trampled by Phil and Ibis.) >Everyone: (work their way into the outer area of the arena) >Blackman and Ibis: (Chase Washu into an enclosed area.) Meanwhile… Shana: “C’mon, Dart, let’s play this one.” Dart: “……okay…” What’s Wrong With This Scene?: “Would you like to play What’s Wrong With This Scene? You can play one game per ticket.” Dart: “I’ll try.” What’s Wrong With This Scene?: “Look carefully.” (Lowers shade after a couple seconds, enters scene, starts manipulating things, returns, and raises the shade.) “Three places changed. Can you find where they are? Carefully choose where you think they are.” Dart: “…Um” Shana: “There’s one!! Look at the mittens on the wall!!” Dart: “And a…steel garbage can…?” >Washu: (Enters the scene, grabs the steel trash can, and hits Ibis with it.) What’s Wrong With This Scene?: “That’s not supposed to happen!” Dart: “That’s the third thing!” What’s Wrong With This Scene?: “That’s not it!” Shana: “They weren’t there before, were they, Dart?” Dart: “She’s right.” >Phil, Thomas, and Precis: (Join the melee) What’s Wrong With This Scene?: “No refunds!!” (Runs off) Dart: “What was that about…And where’s my prize?” Shana: “All they give you is a little ticket…I got a better prize for you. Let’s go to that secluded area under the pig track!” Dart: “HELL YEAH!!!” (Dart and Shana leave.) >Blackman: (Catches Washu in the knee from behind, proceeds to hit her something like 20 times, then goes for the cover) T-Minus 2:10 >Thomas: (Hits Blackman from behind with a wooden board from the scene, covers Washu) >Blackman: (Reeling from the hit, gets sprayed with a fire extinguisher by Ibis) (Author’s note: Doesn’t Steve Blackman always get sprayed with the extinguisher during his matches?) >Thomas: (Gets the 3-count, before getting hit by Precis) Ring Announcer: “The new Hardcore Champion, Thomas Remington!” >Blackman: (Recovers from the fire extinguisher, takes hold of a nearby kendo stick) >Phil: (The first to get whacked with the stick) >Ibis: (Throws Precis on the bed) >Precis: (Bounces back and lands the cross-body on Ibis, lands some right-hands on her) >Blackman: “YO’ GONNA GET IT NOW!!!” (slams Thomas with the stick, covers) >Thomas: (Kicks out) >Phil: (Climbing up the scene structure) >Precis: (Puts the garbage can over Blackman’s head) T-Minus 1:20 >Thomas: (Starts climbing the scene’s structure) >Washu: (Spears Thomas from atop the set, lands on the bed) >Thomas: (Lands on Precis) >Phil: (Loses his balance an falls next to Washu) >Washu: (Bounces off the bed, lands on Thomas, gets the three count) Ring announcer: “The new Hardcore Champion, Washu!” JR: “Washu got it back!” King: “This is some hardcore action if I ever saw any!!” T-Minus 0:50 King: “Can she hold it for a minute?” >Blackman: (Finally gets the garbage can off his head) >Ibis: “You got canned!” >Blackman: (Springboards off the bed, ‘bravers’ Ibis with the kendo stick) JR: “He’s gonna have to focus on Washu now if he wants to keep that Hardcore title!” King: “Yeah…but he’s manhandling Ibis! Hey, ref, get in there and do something about that!!” >Washu: (Takes off running from the Scene) >Blackman, Thomas, Phil, and Precis: (Give chase) JR: “She’s gotta hold on to that title for another 38 seconds!) >Washu: (Finds a hidden spot, makes a Dimensional Transporter between her position and the floor in front of the approaching group, holds the HC belt in it.) T-minus 30 seconds. >HC Belt: (Appears in front of the group) >Blackman: (Reaches into the hole, pulls Washu up through it.) >Phil: (Hits Blackman with the garbage can lid) >Thomas: (Hits Phil with the steel chair) >Precis: (Hits Thomas with the mechanical hammer) >Blackman: (Falls, covering Washu) T-minus 25 seconds. >Blackman: (Gets a 3-count) Ring announcer: “The new Hardcore champion, the Lethal Weapon, Steve Blackman!” >Blackman: (Takes off running) >Ibis: (Catches up with Precis, DDTs her) Precis: (Gets up, chases Ibis, who’s chasing Blackman) T-minus 15 seconds Ibis: (Catches up with Blackman, attacks) Precis: (Catches up with Ibis, attacks) Blackman: (Guards) Ibis/Precis: (Fight over who will pin) TEN! Precis: (Hurricanranas Ibis) NINE! Blackman: (Attacks Precis with the kendo stick) EIGHT! Portal: (Opens up above the three) SEVEN! Washu: (Drops out of the portal) SIX! Washu: (Falls on Ibis) 5…4…3…2…1…Bell rings. Ring announcer: “The winner of this match, and still Hardcore Champion, the Lethal Weapon, Steve Blackman!” Blackman (picking up the HC Belt): “IT’S STILL MINE!!!!” JR: “Well, the odds were stacked against Steve Blackman, and he managed to pull off the win!” King: “Washu was champion twice!” JR: “That title did change hands four times in the match, from Steve to Washu, to Thomas, back to Washu, and back to Steve!” -- Meanwhile… Mick Foley: “Leveled up again!” Olivia (approaches) “Commissioner Foley?” Mick Foley: “You’re not coming to get any nachos, are you? They’re only $3, you know!” Olivia: “Yeah, but…what nachos?” Mick Foley: “Got me there…Mihoshi was down here begging for nachos earlier…now, what can I do you for?” Olivia: “Speaking of air-headed blondes, I noticed that Al Snow was taking on Perry Saturn, and he’ll have Terri with him. Perhaps, I could join Al Snow?” Mick Foley: “……” Olivia: “I don’t think Head will be enough to stop Terri from doing something stupid.” Mick Foley: “How ‘bout this. We can make it a tag match, and you can team up with him!” Olivia: “Hey! I like it! …but I still can’t believe Phil lost, especially after I sprung him out of Storm Ridge!! If it weren’t for me, he’d probably be someone’s b***h!!” Mick Foley: “Good, since that’s FINAL!” Olivia: “One more thing: Can I borrow your old secret weapon?” (And in the lounge area) Irene: “Hey, Hunter, where’s Stephanie?” Triple H: “And what business do you have with her?” Irene: “None, but I was coming to warn the two of you that I think Chris Benoit is been following her around…” Triple H: “You say Benoit’s stalking her?” Irene: “I’m sure of it!! I never lie about my spy work!!” Triple H: “He’s in for it…Benoit is dead!!!” (leaves) -- JR: “You just heard him…An intergender tag match with Al Snow and Olivia Dubrey vs. Perry Saturn and Terri!” King: “What about just there? Benoit is going after Stephanie!!” JR: “That’s something Triple H should worry about; Irene is experienced in espionage and covert operations…” King: “They need to go and straighten that out!!” JR: “But as for now, we have a matchup between Right to Censor and the teams of Burlison 4:20 and Team Strangelove!!!” King: “Speaking of, here goes…!” Irritating chorus of car alarms and warning signal noises… (Audience boos) Ring announcer: “The following contest is an eight-person intergender tag match and is scheduled for one-fall, first making their way to the ring, at a combined weight of 1,104 pounds, Steven Richards, Val Venis, Bull Buchanan, and The Goodfather, Right to Censor!” (Audience boos louder as RTC enters the ring) Steven: “We would think that a city like this wouldn’t need to resort to such acts of violence that go on in this arena to draw a crowd, and turn into this moral cesspool that you call Lohan! And this Strangelove-Burlison 4:20 team! If he thinks he can continue to warp the mind of that illegitimate brat Daniella with his relationship with Kylia, and his continuous traveling and fighting, we have a better solution!” (Crowd: “Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!…”) Mathieus: (In the audience holding a sign reading: ‘Steven’s Balls have revolted!!’.) Steven: “We will continue to fight the good fight and censor the things here that we don’t see fit for your children as well as continue our campaign against scantil—“ ‘Danger Zone’ plays Ring Announcer: “And their opponents, at a combined weight of 736 pounds, Renton and Elaine Lindell, Team Strangelove and Erik Burlison and Kylia Reilinan of Burlison 4:20!!”. (BIG pop from the crowd) (Renton, Elaine, Kylia, and Erik enter, and stop at the start of the ramp, in their battle outfits; Erik takes the mike as Elaine and Kylia gesture “Big can of whoop ass coming your way”. Renton takes a battle stance also.) Steven (to Bull): “As soon as this starts, you go and CENSOR those two tramps they have!” Erik: “Now listen here you f**kin’ mass of brain-dead eunuchs!” (Crowd continues to cheer) Erik: “Because if you don’t, you won’t know why we’re gonna do what we’re gonna do!! You claim to think you know what we should and shouldn’t watch, what we should and shouldn’t hear, wear, eat, do, and if you think like that, based on your recent actions, you’ve proven yourselves as the hypocritical sacks of s**t you are!! I’ve spent the last six years with Kylia, who ISN’T Daniella’s mother, unlike what you assume, and the three of us have had to fight all the time just to survive!! I’ve taken responsibility for Daniella after her real mother died, and then I come here to hear the likes of you telling me what’s ‘best’ for my 10-year-old LEGITIMATE daughter!!?! YOU DON’T KNOW S**T ABOUT WHAT’S BEST FOR HER, LET ALONE YOURSELVES!!” (Ear-shattering pop from the audience) JR: “I agree fully. This is the anti-RTC gospel straight from a father who has had to struggle to raise his daughter for most of her life.” Erik: “Well you come to give us a lesson on (quotation fingers) ‘morality’…We’re here to give you four sonsab***hes a lesson on REALITY! Because as you’ll learn from this lesson, you and life do have something in common: You’re both b***es, then you DIE!!” Kylia: “And in the end, we’ll all know JUST WHOM IT’S RIGHT TO CENSOR!!!” (The four charge the ring) (Bell rings) King: “I hope that Right to Censor gets what’s coming to them!” JR: “It’s a very heated, very emotional match up as you just heard from Erik…and we’re being joined here by Daniella!” Daniella: “What’s up?” JR: “Down here to watch Dad take on the Right to Censor?” Daniella: “You could say that, heh, heh, heh…This Right to Censor is living in a dream world! And my dad is right about all that. We’ve had to seriously rough it…since I was 4. He taught me to fight, defend myself, even talk trash, heh, heh…but seriously, if he hadn’t, there’s no way I would be around here.” >Erik, Kylia, Renton & Elaine: (enter the ring, choose a target, and attack) >Kylia: (Hits Val with a Steel Spear attack) (Author’s note: See the end of the fic for definitions of any of my characters’ attacks that get used here.) >Steven: (Gets DDT’d by Elaine) >Erik: (Lays the smack down on Bull, just like The Rock, knocking him off the ring apron) >Renton: (Whips the Goodfather to a corner) >Goodfather: (Reverses, prepares for the Ho Train Attack) (Another Authors’ Note: I wonder what it’s called now that he’s no longer the Godfather?) JR: “Your team has to be careful to avoid getting disqualified.” Daniella: “I don’t think it’s about winning this match. They’re out there to punish Right to Censor. If they have it all against Elaine and Kylia for what they wear, they can go f**k themselves because Elaine and Kylia chose their outfits themselves, and that’s how they want to look!” King: “You’re pretty fired up about it, too!” >Renton: (Charges, lands a HUGE SPANKIN’ knee to the gut, attacks with ‘10 Hits’.) >Elaine: (Rolls Steven out of the ring, takes her corner) >Renton: (Throws Goodfather out of the ring) >Kylia: (Slingshots Steven into Val, then crotch-chops them both) >Val: (Gets knocked over the ropes, leaving Kylia and Steven in the ring) >Steven: (Is stunned but standing) >Kylia: (Bounces off the far ropes, but is hit from behind by Bull) >Steven: (Tags in Val Venis) >Val: (Races in to pick up Kylia) >Kylia: (Knees Val in the nuts, the ref doesn’t see it) >Val: (Is stunned) King: “Holy testicle Tuesday!” >Kylia: (Whips Val into the ropes, hits with a back-body drop on the return) >Goodfather: (Rushes in) >Kylia: (Attempts a straight kick) >Goodfather: (Catches Kylia’s foot) >Kylia: (Mule-kicks Goodfather in the head, busting him open with the steel heel of her boot) Daniella: “He’s busted.” JR: “And what a shot!!” >Kylia: (Tags Erik in.) >Erik: (Picks up Goodfather, who’s dazed and bleeding, props him up in the corner) “I’ll show you the REAL good father!!” >Steven: (Rushes in to attack) >Erik: (Grabs hold of Steven, sets him up, moves to Goodfather’s corner, and jackknife powerbombs him.) Daniella: “It’s the Cannonball Nuts Cuddle!!!” >Renton: (Jumps over the ringpost, grabs Goodfather by the head, and bulldogs him) >Goodfather: (Gets slammed headfirst into Steven’s nuts) King: “Wow!” >Steven: (Flails around in pain like he always does after a low blow) >Bull: (Missile dropkicks Erik) Daniella: “Dad!” >Renton: (Trying to get in, but the referee is stopping him) >Val: (Hits the Money Shot on Erik) Daniella: “Oh, that does it!!! No one messes with my dad and gets away with it!” (Gets up, picks up the steel chair she’s sitting on, heads for ringside) >Elaine: (Sees Daniella with the chair, heads for the referee to distract his attention from Daniella) >Daniella: (Sneaks up from behind the ref and waffles him with the chair, then rushes back to her respective corner) King: “What the!?” JR: “My god! She attacked the referee!” >Referee: (Is knocked cold) >Daniella: “Bring up Twin Crash Module 4.2!” JR: “Another one of Daniella’s unique team up attacks!” >Erik & Renton: (Take positions side by side at one side of the ring) >Kylia & Elaine: (Kick Val and Bull in the nuts, drag them out of the ring) King: “What are they doing…They’ve all been hit down there!?”>Kylia & Elaine: (Position themselves back-to-back, about 12 feet apart, with Val and Bull in the catapulting positions. Renton and Erik are aligned with the center of the formation.)
JR: This has got to be one of the weirdest moves I have ever seen!!” >Kylia & Elaine: (Slingshot Val and Bull into each other) JR: “Pretty impressive considering Bull Buchanan’s 300 pounds to Elaine’s 110…” >Val & Bull: (Are sprawled out on the mat next to each other) >Renton: (Swanton Bombs Val Venis) >Erik: (Swanton Bombs Bull Buchanan) King: “Has anyone tagged anyone?” JR: “I’m not too sure, but regardless, Right to Censor is in deep trouble!!” >Goodfather & Steven: (Recover and try to splash Erik & Renton) >Erik & Renton: (dodge) >Goodfather & Steven: (Hit Bull & Val) >Erik: (Enters the ring) >Kylia: (Rolls Val back into the ring) >Erik: “DOOMSDAY IS UPON YOU!!!” JR: “Looks like Erik has decided to signal us that the end is near.” King: “I want to see more!” Daniella: “That’s how to get retribution!!” >Val: (Gets up but is dizzy) >Renton & Elaine: (hit their Atomic Rider team attack on Val) >Kylia: (Enters and uses her Redemption attack, virtually ripping Val apart) >Erik: (Raises his right hand, grabs hold of Val’s neck) JR: “Erik’s most feared move!” >Daniella: (Gets done setting up a table outside the ring) >Renton: (Lays Steven across the table) Daniella: “It’s time for the Meteor Choke Slam! This is like tossing around sides of beef…Filler grade, that is.” >Erik: (Climbs the ring post, still holding on to Val) JR: “What the hell!? This will break Val Venis AND Steven Richards in half!!!?” King: “Do you really care?” JR: “Actually…no.” >Erik: (Choke-slams Val through the table and through Steven) >Kylia: (Returns Val to the ring just as the referee recovers) >Erik: (Covers Val for three) Bell rings Ring announcer: “Here are your winners, Burlison 4:20 and Team Strangelove!!!” Daniella: “Along with lawyers and fruitcake…Censors!” JR: “What’s that mean?” Daniella: “We’re here to protect the world from these three evils!” JR: “Why fruitcake!?” Daniella: “It’s something they don’t want you to know!” King: “You’re pretty active around Christmas, I bet!” Daniella: “That’s true, but I have to go now. But first, I have the insult to go with RTC’s injury!” King: “Insult!?” Daniella: “I put together a video showing Right to Censor’s behind the scenes hidden camera antics!” (Video starts, the scene shows a camera looking into a small cabin in the woods.) Voice (It’s obvious that Daniella did the voice over): “Heey, Stevie!!” Steven: “Oh, spank me, spank me harder! That’s it, yeah!!” Daniella: “It’s Stevie’s new friend, Ivory! Say hi, everybody, to Stevie’s new best friend!” (Strangelove & B4:20: (laughing their asses off)) Daniella: “It’s all sorts of crazy antics at the Red Circle Cabin!! It’s a beautiful day in Montana’s woods…” Goodfather (drunk off his ass): “Let’s roll up…another fatty!! ‘Cuz I pimped my daddy.” Val (Even more soused than GF): “Good…fahder…I…love you so much…” Daniella: “And here it’s Miller time as Val Venis and Goodfather share a romantic moment together. It’s awesome!” Bull: “No…I…wuzzent from Night Court, hic…I wuz from Boss…man.” (pukes all over Steven) Steven: “You bald bastard! You ruined my pleasure!” (Continues to get spanked) (Video ends) Daniella: “That’s enough proof of their hypocrisy.” (leaves with the rest of the team) JR: “Anyway, that was one hellacious match up!” King: “I love it! That idiot Steven Richards finally got everything that was coming to him! That video was great!” (A bobcat is brought in to scrape up what’s left of RTC.) Daniella: (Catches a Twitch soda can thrown to her from the fans, opens it, pours it over her head and chugs the rest) JR: “And Kevin Kelly is on standby ready to interview two more stars who are to appear in a match later.” -- Kevin: “A strange situation is going on here as Galaxy Police Detectives First Class Mihoshi and Kiyone are in the audience as it appears!” (JR: “Some mysterious person is calling this segment ‘No Need for A Break’!!”) Mihoshi (begins one of her trademark freak-outs): “It isn’t time for our match, is it!? Kiyone, what’ll we do!!?” Kiyone: “Pipe down! No, we’re in the audience because our match isn’t up yet.” Kevin: “Why don’t you warm up in the locker rooms?” Mihoshi: “And miss the other wrestlers!?” (Stuffs her face with popcorn) Kevin: “Well, you do know there are TVs in the backstage area…” Kiyone: “We’re in the arena, and we want to see it in person if you don’t mind.” Kevin: “Oh, well…” (leaves) Mihoshi: “They also have the best nachos here!!” (Continues eating) Kiyone: “Dammit, Mihoshi! You almost blew our cover!” Mihoshi: “We’re not the only cops here are—“ Kiyone: (covers her mouth) “Quiet!! I’m not letting you screw up this opportunity to make money like that last job!!” Mihoshi: “I tried putting out that grease fire at the restaurant!” Kiyone: “And you blew the place up!” Mihoshi: “But flour and baking soda look so much alike!” -- Meanwhile… Mick Foley: “And finally, I’m out of Midgar!!” Skye: “Can…Me wrestle tonight?” Mick Foley: “Skye!” Skye: “Mee…have lotsa Colt 45!” (Suddenly about 30 cans fall out of her outfit) “Hic! I’ll love you…so…very much” Mick Foley: “Geez…you do have a lot of Colt 45!” Skye: “A…good match…” Mick Foley: “I’ll tell you what, Skye. How ‘bout the first ever Chug-a-lug Match! I’ll make it between you, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and the Acolytes! Every drunk for themselves!” Skye: “Woooow…My profession and my playtime…Thanks a…lot! Hic!” -- King: “A Chug-a-lug match!” JR: “The first one ever!” King: “And that Right to Censor won’t be there to screw it up!” JR: “Not only did they get beat, but humiliated! I never knew a ten-year-old to be so vicious!” King: “What about Junior from Problem Child? Or Kevin from Home Alone?” JR: “First off, Junior was 8, and Daniella is just plain cuter than Kevin.” WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT!!? Audience: “HEAD!!!” Al Snow: (Walks down the ramp carrying a strange looking marble, some liquor bottles and a portrait of sorts, and Head, dressed up as a Dragoon.) JR: “He’s representing…Endiness!” Al Snow: (Heads for the announcer’s table, gives JR a familiar portrait…) JR: “That’s…Lavitz Slambert!!!” King: “The portrait he had made up in Bale!!” WHAT DOES EVERYBODY NEED!!? Audience: “HEAD!!!” JR: “And he’s got a fake Dragoon Spirit on him!” King: “That won’t help.” Ring announcer: “The following intergender tag team contest is scheduled for one fall. First making his way to the ring, accompanied by Head, Al Snow!” Weird Al Yankovic Polka music plays. Olivia: (Speeds down the ramp on a busted-up Radio Flyer wagon, and jumps off of it before it falls off the side of the ramp) King: “Wow! She’s also hot!” Ring Announcer: “And his partner, weighing in at 130 pounds, the Mad Splatterer, Olivia Dubrey!” Olivia: (Awkwardly throws herself into the ring) Air Raid Sirens start. Ring Announcer: “And their opponents, Perry Saturn and Terri!” Perry and Terri: (Go down the ramp) Terri: (Doing her goofy antics like playing with her hair) King: “It’s that horny little she-devil!” JR: “It’s not gonna be easy for her…Olivia may act strange but she has a lot of dangerous maneuvers in her repertoire.” Terri: (Climbs up to her corner) >Al Snow: (Enters the ring) >King: “It’s a handicap match! It’s Al, Olivia and Head!” >Al Snow: (Corners Perry and lands a few punches) >Terri: (Continues to play with her hair) >Al Snow: (Starts to whip Perry into the opposite corner, but gets reversed, counters with the big boot, then tags Olivia in.) >Olivia: (Clotheslines Perry) >Terri: (Requesting a tag) >Perry: (Recovers, denies the request) >Olivia: (Gets tripped by Perry) >Terri: (Blows a raspberry at Olivia and blind-tags herself in) >Perry: (Goes to ringside) >Olivia: “I never asked to wrestle trailer trash!” (DDTs Terri) >Al Snow: (Starts distracting the ref) >Olivia: (Picks up Head and attacks Terri, then Perry, then throws Head back to Al.) King: “She just gave Head to Al Snow!” JR: “King, quiet! This is a family fic!” King: “Really? It is!?” JR: “…Come to think of it…no.” >Olivia: (Tags in Al) >Al Snow: (Hits the Snow Plow on Perry) >Olivia: (Hits the Air Stamp on Terri) JR: “Both their signature moves!!” >Olivia: “One more thing to say.” (pulls a sock out of her vest) King: “Is that what I think it is?” >Olivia: “IT’S SOCKO TIME!!!” (puts Mr. Socko on her hand) JR: “That’s Mankind’s move!!!” >Olivia: (Slaps the Mandible Claw on Terri) >Terri: (Keels over from the hold) >Al Snow: (Pins Terri for three.) (Bell rings) King: “That was a quick match…I wanted to see more of Olivia and Terri!” JR: “Not typical for a pay-per-fic…and then there was Mr. Socko’s appearance!” King: “This fic is free, JR.” JR: “Thanks for reminding Kartman…He’s losing money on this one.” (Kartman: “No I’m not. I paid nothing to write it.”) JR: “Did you hear something?” King: “That was Kartman! This IS a free fic!” -- Meanwhile… Junpei: “You mean there aren’t any elves here!!?” Airi: “No, Junpei, she’s hiring our service with the intention to take care of someone! Now who is this whom you want us to exterminate?” Chyna: “Here’s the $1000 like I promised. You sure you can do this?” Ritsuko: “I never miss my target.” (proceeds to load her sniper rifle) Chyna: “What was that about elves, by the way?” Airi: “Well…” Chyna: “I get it…you’re Those who Hunt Elves!” Airi: “Exactly. …You know about us?” Chyna: “You’re kinda weird but…never mind. Here’s a description. Kinda short, has a mullet, talks funny.” Celcia: “You just mind your own damn business!!!” -- JR: “What was that about?” King: “Chyna’s paying some group…sounds like sniper work! Sounds like she’s describing Eddie Guerrero!” JR: “She’s obviously mad about his recent antics.” -- Meanwhile… Rena: “I kinda hoped that Precis would win. Gotta give it up for Expellians.” Chisato: “But we’re Nedians!” And in the rafters area… Junpei: “Hey, you two, look at this!” Airi (turning to the TV): “What’s this?” Ritsuko: “They look like a couple of elves!!” Airi: “But what compels them to show up at a place like this?” Junpei: “Who cares?” Celcia (checking her crystal): “This is picking up something.” Junpei: “One of those elves has to have one of the spell fragments!!” Celcia: “I haven’t confirmed it yet!” Junpei: “Hurry up, Fido! I’m itchin’ to strip some elves!!” Celcia: “Now wait, you! I said I haven’t confirmed anything, dammit!!!” Ritsuko: “You putz!!”Ring announcer: “The following contest is for one-fall, and will be officiated by Karlisse Deartzow! Making her way to the ring, accompanied by Mihoshi, she is a Detective First Class in the Galaxy Police, Kiyone!!!”
Mihoshi: “I’m scared, Mihoshi, what if he hurts you!!?” (Hanging onto Kiyone’s leg like a kid) Kiyone: “Mihoshi, how many times do I need to tell you? I can take care of myself!!!” Mihoshi: “But I’m worried!!” (Gets dragged over the ropes as Kiyone enters the ring) Boss Man’s theme plays. Boss Man: (Heads for the ring) Ring announcer: “And her opponent, Big Boss Man!!!” Boss Man: (Enters the ring) Bell rings. >Kiyone & BM: (don’t look all that hostile toward each other) >Mihoshi: “Get ‘im, Kiyone!!!” >Kiyone: “Okay, alright, alright!! Um…Karlisse, could you get a shower as soon as this match is over? You really stink.” (Takes out her communicator) JR: (?) >Kiyone: (Into communicator): “Alright, Madison, we’re ready for the shipment…” Chisato: “I’m on it. …Defense force, can you read me?” (End transmission) “Uh, oh…Did I forget the coordinates again?” Meanwhile… (Author’s note: I can’t remember the dialogue for this Legend of Dragoon event so bear with me…And there’s a reason Dart’s not there, heh, heh, heh…Same with Rose…) Vendor: “I’ll sell you this shiny stone for only 100G…” Albert: “Sure looks odd…” Kongol: (Checks the stone) Stone: (Starts glowing) Vendor: “It’s glowing!! It’s the Shining Mystery Stone!! How about 1000G for it!! Limited time offer!!” Haschel: “……” Bombs: (Fall on the vendor, killing him) Kongol: (Takes the Dragoon Spirit) (Come on, it was obvious from the beginning!) -- >Kiyone: “…Isn’t something supposed to happen now…?” >Boss Man: “……” >Karlisse: “Alright now, break it up, you two.” (Starts her ten-count) >Kiyone: “…I’m in trouble…” (Two!!) Mihoshi: “Hey, Kiyone, aren’t you gonna wrestle him?” (Starts playing with that pink control cube) >Kiyone: (Watching Mihoshi) (Three!!!) >Kiyone: “…” Meanwhile… Albert: “That was strange…y’know what happened to that vendor…” Haschel: “Wait, what’s that bright light in the sky?” Albert: “Who knows?” -- (Five!!!!!) >Boss Man: “We’re gonna have to do something!!” >Karlisse: “:You’re damn right you’ll have to!” (Six!!!!!!) >Kiyone: “What’s that noise…?” >Boss Man: “I hear it…” JR: “This match gets weirder and weirder.” King: “First Kiyone and Boss Man aren’t doing a thing, and then that noise!!” (Eight!!!!!!!!) (Suddenly, a huge laser blast crashes into the arena and hits Mihoshi) >Kiyone: “What the…!?” >Mihoshi: “Oops…!” (dies) (Bell Rings) Ring announcer: “The winner of this match as a result of a disqualification, Kiyone!!!” Kiyone & BM: (Quietly leave the ring) Kiyone: “I’m FREE!!!! I’m FREE!!!! No more of that nightmare called Mihoshi!!!!” JR: “It seems like Kiyone and Boss Man planned to do this all along!!” King: “It’s a conspiracy against Mihoshi!!” JR: “But they’re awarding Kiyone with the win, but Boss Man doesn’t seem to care!!” King: “This is weird, JR…I mean, what next?” JR: “These matches just keep getting shorter and shorter!” King: “And this fic just keeps getting weirder and weirder!” JR: “I’ll agree with you on that one…” Ring announcer: “The following contest has no disqualification, and falls count anywhere! First, making their way to the ring, all the way from Japan, Taka Michinoku and Funaki, Kaientai!!” Taka & Funaki: (Head down the walkway waving Japanese flags) ‘V’ for victory, sucka!!! Ring announcer: “And their opponents, at a combined weight of 170 pounds, from Draconan Saga 2’s Celicanthe Kingdom, Prince Diertroe Medford and and from Wild Arms 2’s Sielje Region, Lilka Eleniak!” Diertroe & Lilka: (Enter the ring) Bell rings. JR: “And this unusual match is underway!!” >Diertroe & Funaki: (Start) >Lilka: (Casts Hype Weapon on Diertroe) >*Diertroe’s ATP went up 158!* JR: “Seems that Lilka has done more than she needed!” King: “What makes you say that, JR?” JR: “You see, 158 isn’t a whole huge amount of power in Wild Arms 2, but it’s trememdous in DS2!” >Diertroe: (Starts shooting dark matter slugs at Funaki) >Funaki: (Dodges) >Slugs: (Blast a big hole in the outer wall of the arena) >Debris: (Falls, killing that guy who raises pigs) JR: “Just what’s gonna come first, King, the end of the fic or this arena’s total destruction!!?” >Lilka: “Diertroe, you’re gonna need to get in closer—you have a lot of trouble hitting enemies…” >Diertroe: “But I’m really trying!!” >Funaki: (Tags in Taka) >Lilka: “Let me try something…” (Casts Slow Down on Funaki and Taka.) >Taka: (Picks up Diertroe and tosses him through the announcer’s table) King: “Whoa!!!” JR: “Good god almighty!!! He’s gotta be broken in half!!” >Diertroe: “…Can’t……give up now!! For…Celicanthe, I mustn’t!!” (coughs up a monitor) >Lilka (Tagging herself in): “This is it! You don’t throw my partner through a table without answering to a Crest Sorceress!!!!” (casts Saber on Taka) >Taka: (Is hurled through the Spanish announcer’s table) >Spanish announcer: “¡Ay, la mesa! ¡Esta es la sexta vez esta semana!” JR: “And there goes the Spanish announcers’ table!!!” >Funaki: (Rushes into the ring, towards Lilka) >Diertroe: (Recovers and nails Funaki in the nuts) >Funaki: (Spits out a couple steel bearings.) >Diertroe: “Hey! You stole those from me!!!” >Lilka: “No he didn’t! They’re his…” >Diertroe: “Gross! He spit his ‘nads out his mouth!!!” >Lilka: “That’s what I’m thinking” >Diertroe: (Legally tags in): “…He’re’s something!” (Tags Lilka in) >Lilka: “Why did you tag in if you’re only gonna be in for a couple seconds?” >Diertroe: “Beats me…I guess the author second guessed himself.” >Lilka: “Forget it.” (whacks Funaki with an umbrella) >Diertroe: (Watches diligently) >Lilka: (Continues to beat Funaki with the umbrella) >Taka: (Recovers, clotheslines Lilka from behind) >Diertroe: “No way, man! This is bulls**t! VOID!!!” >Taka: (Is sucked into another dimension) >Lilka: (Gets up, tags in Diertroe) >Diertroe: (Spears Funaki, DDTs him, then covers for three) (Bell rings.) Ring announcer: “The winners of this match, Lilka Eleniak and Prince Diertroe Medford!!!!!” JR: “That one was probably the most intense match since the one between Burlison 4:20 with Strangelove and Right to Censor!!” King: “And there’s still a couple to go!!” JR: “And next, we have Irene Aston and Chris Jericho vs. X-Pac and, well, Chris Benoit was supposed to be his partner, but Triple H took him out, so what we need is we need to find out who X-Pac is gonna team up with!!” King: “Irene screwed him out of his partner!” JR: “And our main event tonight, announced by Commissioner Foley, will pit The Rock, who will be accompanied by Luranda Tornare, against Kurt Angle who, as usual, will have Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley in his corner.” King: “Luranda Tornare? Is she related to Kelvina?” JR: “I’m more than sure of it…Who else has the Tornare last name?” King: “But why is The Rock choosing Luranda?” JR: “I don’t know, but we’ll find out.” King: “This is weird.” JR: “But this next one won’t be a handicap match!” King: “But who is X-Pac gonna choose!!?” 5……4……3……2……1……0………………BOOM!!!! Ring announcer: “The following is a tag team submission match!! First, making his way to the ring, from Winnipeg, Alberta, Canada, Chris Jericho!!” Jericho: (Looks to either side of the ramp, then heads for the ring) Ring announcer: “And his partner, from Draconan Saga’s world Wytoness, Irene Aston!!” Heavy metal tune plays… Irene: (Races down the ramp, somersaults toward the ring, and lands on both feet on the top rope, then moonsaults into the ring) King: “Wow! You see that!!?” JR: “Irene has some tremendous talent, there’s no way you can doubt that!” Irene (to Y2J): “Who’s X-Pac gonna join? I had Benoit whacked, but X-Pac’s gotta replace him somehow.” X-Pac’s theme plays style='font-size: 8.0pt'>. Ring announcer: “And his opponent, one half of D-Generation X, X-Pac!” X-Pac: (Enters the ring) Irene & Y2J: (Watch from ringside) JR: “We’re about to find out X-Pac’s partner!” That song “B***h” plays. Ring announcer: “And his partner, from Draconan Saga’s city of Kapitaal, Celina Bradford!!” Irene: “What the f**k?” Jericho: “You know this person?” Irene: “She’s only the biggest b***h in all of Draconis!!” Jericho: “Well, she’ll never, E-E-E-E-E-EVER leave this ring in one piece…” Celina (Entering): “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Irene…You’ve been spyin’ on my coalition, and it’s really pissin’ Arcrenon off!! Well, with X-Pac’s help, we’ll take care of you…” Irene: “Listen up you old pile of plastic and super glue! We got something you can do…” Irene & Y2J: “Would you please…SHUT THE HELL UP!!” Jericho: “Going from what you and Irene said, it’s safe to give you a nickname…how ‘bout Barbie! You’re both cheap and available, both plastic, and both older than dirt!” Celina: (Rushes to the ring) Bell rings. >Irene & Celina: (Start off) >Irene: (Knocks down Celina and starts landing hella punches) >Celina: “Get the f**k offame!!! Your breath stinks!!!” >Irene: “You sure it’s not the smell of that dumpster you live in!!?” (Gets up) Meanwhile… Rena/Chisato (naked, running past the ring, from the crowd) “AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!” Junpei (chasing): “Time to see you two in your birthday suits!!!” >Irene: (Is distracted) >Celina: (Starts to administer the sleeperhold) >Jericho: (Rushes in to break the hold, starts to lock in the Walls of Jericho on Celina) >X-Pac: (Jumps in to break the hold) >Irene: (Clotheslines X-Pac) >Celina: (Starts to pull out her poisoned dagger) >Irene: “Jericho!!! Get back! She’s got that knife!!!” (Is being restrained by the ref) In the stands… Elaine: “I don’t think so, b***h!!!” (Fires an arrow at Celina) Arrow: (Hits Celina between the eyes) >Celina: (Dies) >Irene: “Thanks, Elaine!!” >Jericho: (Rolls Celina out of the ring) >X-Pac: (Drives Jericho into the corner) >Irene: “…Here it comes……” >X-Pac: (Hits the Bronco Buster on Jericho) >Irene: (Jumps in and superkicks X-Pac) >X-Pac: (Is stunned against the ropes) >Jericho: (Slingshots Irene) >Irene: (Clotheslines X-Pac) >X-Pac: (Is flipped out of the ring, falls into something very disgusting) >Irene: “What did he just fall into?” >Jericho: “Whatever it is, it really stinks!!” >Irene: (Leaves the ring to check out the mess) >Jericho: (?) >Irene: “It’s…Skye’s portable septic tank!!!!” >Jericho: “…! Was it full?” >Irene: “With Skye, it always has poo in some amount or another.” >Jericho: “Get him in here! I’m ending this quick!!!!” >Irene: “Alright…” (Rolls X-Pac back into the ring) >Jericho: (Locks in the Walls of Jericho on X-Pac) >X-Pac: (Taps out) (Bell rings) Ring announcer: “The winners of this match, Chris Jericho and Irene Aston!!!!” JR: “Y2J and Irene won it!!!” King: “But Elaine helped!!!” JR: “Really, she saved Jericho!!” King: “How?” JR: “You’ve never played Draconan Saga…Celina killed Camille that way…” King: “I’ll have to see it to believe it, JR.” JR: “Well, let’s take a look at this main event. We know how The Rock is number one contender for Angle’s title, but there’s a hell of a story behind who’ll be accompanying these competitors.” -- 23,000 years in the future… Neavarus: “And soon Krelnar will be mine and no secrets will remain!!!” Kelvina: “Not as long as we’re still around, Shield Krelnar has been freed from the novas!!” -- Krelnar, present day… Neavarus: (Hits his Uppercut Blade attack on Niels) Kelvina: (Attempts a Sword Dance, only to be countered) Neavarus: (Casts Zero-Point Wave, hitting the party for over 12000 damage) -- Back in the future… Kelvina: (Hits her 12-step Ultimental Dance on Neavarus, and finishes with the Cosmic Ray Shot.) -- Present day… Neavarus: “Take ‘em to the Military Lab.” -- JR: “And the question is which action will be more brutal tonight!?” CAN YOU SMEEEELLLLL…WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN’!!!? King: “And it’s about to start!!” Rock: (Quickly walks to the ring, then poses at each ring post) Tornare battle theme plays… Ring announcer: “The following contest with no disqualification is scheduled for one fall, and is for the World Wrestling Federation Championship!! First, from Miami, Florida, accompanied by Luranda Tornare, The Rock!!!!” Luranda: (Walks menacingly to ringside, Teravolt Sabre in hand) JR: “And you know Luranda as Kelvina’s mother, and Master Thunder Element. Simply, a very intimidating presence even at age 46…She’ll run circles around you and drill you miles into the ground before you can say ‘I accept your challenge’.” King: “And she’s right here at ringside! Who knows what awful things she’ll do to Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley!!” Luranda: “There will be a great disgrace to all life who will be accompanying the champion.” Rock: “……………………Finally, The Rock HAS COME BACK to Lohan!!! (Massive pop from the crowd)………Listen up, The Rock knows about that two-dollar, no, fifty-cent, no, that buy-two-get-one-free, would-you-like-fries-with-that, got change for a nickel trailer-trash—“ Luranda: “No, another great disgrace. My oldest son, Neavarus.” Rock: “………So let The Rock get this straight. The (Quotation fingers) ‘Olympic Hero’ needs another jabroni to watch his back? IT DOESN’T MATTER who Kirk Angel decides to bring to ringside…IT DOESN’T MATTER if he comes down with fifty more of these disgraces up his candy ass!!! Because the fact of the matter is, Luranda, you, the master of thunder, and the Rock, the People’s Champion, will get the championship title from Angle, and layeth the smacketh down on ALL their candy asses, if YOU SMELLL-L-L-L-L-L-AAAAAH…what The Rock is cookin’!!!” JR: “And that speaks for itself!” King: “Kurt is at a big disadvantage here!!” Luranda: “It’s an insult to the Tornare legacy to have to face off against a pretentious waste of carbon matter like Angle…I put the good part of myself into Kelvina when I gave her life, and you see what little Neavarus became. So in closing, Angle, I’m going to stop this formal style of talk…so forget about slandering Lohan, get your Olympic ass out here and put that title on the line like a real man!!!” Stephanie McMahon: (Entering): “Before we get this under way, I’d like to introduce your favorite WWF champion and mine, my good friend (Kartman: HA!!! I saw the two of you in the tool shed before the fic!!), (high screeching voice) KURT ANGLE!!!!” Olympic Theme. Ring announcer: “And his opponent, he is the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and King of the Ring, accompanied by Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, Kurt Angle!!!” Kurt: (Enters and heads to the ring, Stephanie stays at the entrance for a short time.) (Suddenly, a figure enveloped in flames is seen atop the Titantron.) Fire being: (Jumps off the Titantron, and lands about four feet in front of Stephanie) Stephanie: (Frozen in fear) Fire being: (Dispels its fiery envelope, revealing itself to be Kelvina) Kelvina: (Staring a hole through Stephanie, points the Burning Demise at her) Stephanie: “…” Kelvina (In a way that would make Rose cringe): “You perform any action that benefits Kurt or hinders the Rock…and you’ll regret it the rest of your life.” Stephanie: “……” (Slaps Kelvina in the face) “Ow!! Hot! Hot!!!” Kelvina (Unfazed): “…Mark my words. And one more thing. You’re hand’s cold.” (Performs a Sword-dance-like backflip 80 feet back, landing at ringside) King: “Kelvina’s done the impossible…she’s frozen a McMahon in fear!!!” Stephanie: (shocked) “A-a-and m-my other associate, Neavarus!” Neavarus: (Walks out to the ring, Gaia Crush Blade in hand) Kelvina: “Not again…I thought I layed the smack down on his monkey ass on Shield Krelnar!! Hey, mom, I’m headed upstairs. It will take this drastic measure, I’m afraid.” (leaves) Luranda: “Just be careful. I’ll hold him off as long as I can.” (Bell rings.) >Rock: (Quickly drives Angle into a corner and ‘lays the smack down’.) Outside the ring… Luranda: (Watching Stephanie and Neavarus like a hawk) -- >Angle: (Pushes out of the corner) >Rock: (Does his high-speed kick-into-DDT combo) >Angle: (Gets up, staggering) >Rock: (Charges, preparing a clothesline on Angle) >Angle: (Dodges) >Rock: (Clotheslines the ref over the ropes, knocking him out) >Angle: (Belly-to-back suplexes Rock) >Rock: (Gets up, starts to whip Angle into the ropes) >Angle: (Reverses) Stephanie: (Pulls the ropes down) >Rock: (Flips over the rope, out of the ring) Luranda: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” (Starts toward Stephanie) Neavarus: (Cuts off Luranda) Luranda: “Don’t force me, Neavarus. You may be my son, but I have nothing against sacrificing you for the good of the world.” Neavarus: “Impressive…but age has left you lacking sufficient strength.” Luranda: “That about one who gave birth to the first Fire-elemental Tornare.” >Rock: (Gets back into the ring, continues duking it out with Angle) Luranda (looks up): “It’s your time.” (Steps back) Neavarus: “It’s time you gave me a little respect…” (A large steel assembly with about ten spotlights on it falls on Neavarus) Luranda: “Kelvina?” Kelvina: (Drops from the rafters, lands on both feet) “Took a little longer than I thought. Come on, you’ve got to be strong! You could take him! Just threaten to ground him from the vacuum cleaner!” (Hint: Remember Scary Movie?) Luranda: “Nice idea, but maybe he is right…I have lost some of my youth-induced strength…It’s time to repeat the future in the present.” Kelvina: “You mean that steel truss didn’t finish him off?” Luranda (casts Soul Searcher): “…Level 124…HP: 315493/320000…MP: 40000/40000………” Kelvina: “So he still has that original power from when I first engaged him at Rinhe Island…” Luranda: “He’ll recover shortly. Get ready.” Stephanie: (Sneaks up from behind and hits Kelvina with the bell) Kelvina: (Is unfazed) King: “Wow!! She isn’t even affected.” Luranda: “Foolish McMahon b***h.” (Casts Soul Searcher on her) “Level 4…HP: 242/242, MP: 0/0……Weak against all…” Stephanie (foolish assertiveness): “What the hell are you talking about?” Luranda: “You’re weak! Now look at Kelvina!!” (Casts it again on Kelvina, good thing it’s only 3 MP in all…) “Level: 143…HP: 19114/19227…MP: 1299/1299…Absorbs Fire……” Stephanie: “What’s a Hit Point?” Kelvina: (Does a single attack on Stephanie, who disappears in a flash) “There, you lost 8,557 of them!!! …Um…Steph?” Luranda: “Hmm…vaporized…Kelv…wasn’t that overkill?” Kelvina: “Maybe…But whatcha gonna do? Anyway, I gotta kick Neavarus’ ass now.” >Rock: “Hey, jabronis, the action’s here in the ring!!!” >Angle: “It’s true, it’s true!!” Kelvina: “I’m busy! Hey, the ref’s still out of it, go and beat up on each other for awhile.” Neavarus (Climbs out from under the light assembly) Kelvina: “It’s time…” Luranda: “Are you sure that’s wise? Transforming requires great energy!!” Kelvina: “Don’t worry. I had about ten triple hot fudge sundaes before I got here. And a twelve pack of Twitch soda.” Luranda: “I trust your judgement…and your calorie count.” Kelvina: “I’m ready…” (Takes the Justifier of Tornare, then changes into her Ultimental form) A DS2-style battle screen opens up… Neavarus: “That trick worked once on me before, but not another time!!!” Luranda: “Hey, Prince Medford! Ready for your part in this?” In the audience… Diertroe: “Ready!!!” (Casts Triple on Luranda) -- Luranda: (Casts Growth 3 times on Kelvina) Kelvina: (ATK raised by 84) “I’m set!!!” Neavarus: “Show me what you got!!” Kelvina: “…You asked for it…” (Hits a 11-step Sword Dance) (Damage…18832…19003…17904…18337…17554…35888…16904…18043…17630…39024…18934) Luranda: “That’s a spicy-a meatball!!!” Kelvina: (Finishes with Quantum Inhibitor) Neavarus: “……………………crap………………………” (Damage…99999) Neavarus: (Is completely disintegrated. All that remains is a charred hand.) Hand: (Clenches into a fist, then raises a middle finger) Kelvina: “Hey!!! F**k off!!!” (Throws the hand in a random direction, then reverts to her normal form) (End of battle. EXP: 180000. AP: 60000. Credits: 400000.) -- Pip: (From South Park…Eating popcorn in the audience) Hand: (Falls in the popcorn, flinging it in all directions) -- Kelvina: “Now on to the match…” Referee: (Recovers) Angle: (Watching, frozen in fear) “My…partners…!” Rock: (Save it for your mama!!” (Hits the Rock Bottom on Angle, then covers him for a three count) Bell rings. Ring announcer: “The winner of this match, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion, The Rock!!!” JR: “What a match!!!” King: “What match!!?” JR: “The Rock is the new Champion!!!” King: “But…Stephanie……” Luranda: “Hey, Kelvina…what are you planning to do with this money from wiping out Neavarus?” Kelvina: “Buy some more sundaes, and replace this outfit! I like it, but it’s pretty well-worn…” Luranda & Kelvina: (Leave the arena) Rock: (Takes the title belt and poses at each ring post, then leaves the ring area.) JR: “And this was one wild night at Lohan!!!” King: “But Angle got screwed!!” JR: “Just shut up, King!!” Kartman & Mathieus: (Kick JR and King out of the fic [sorry, JR]) Kartman: “So, what are your thoughts on this fic?” Mathieus: “…Why wasn’t I in it?” Kartman: “Well, first, I know nothing about your character, and you have no grudge or odd similarity with an anime character or a wrestler. Anyway, let’s focus on the matches we saw tonight.” Mathieus: “Yeah, but I was here with a sign…” Kartman: “True.” Mathieus: “My favorite was Burlison 4:20 and Strangelove against that Right to Censor!!” Kartman: “That one was DAMN good! When I say I’m for ‘fighting the power’, that’s exactly what I mean.” Mathieus: “I was tempted to jump in myself…” Kartman: “And you’re probably happy to see ‘Kitty’ from Star Ocean 2 win, too.” Mathieus: “Nah, I’m glad that Kane and Kelvina won though.” Kartman: “It was a weird match, but Kane and Kelvina won. There’s no doubt about that. How ‘bout Meru and Shane?” Mathieus: “Well, that was just a stand for the lesser of two evils…I mean Meru looks like one of the Godfather’s former hos, and Shane is just a goofy d**k…but I had to root for Meru…probably ‘cause she killed Pee-wee Herman.” Kartman: “Yeah before he teams up with Michael Jackson or something.” Mathieus: “Heh, heh, heh…!” Kartman: “How ‘bout that Kelvina and Neavarus duel at the end?” Mathieus: “Well, to be honest, it was bound to happen again. But the addition of Kelvina’s mother was a twist. And it proves that Neavarus is less of a wuss than Sephiroth.” Kartman: “How so?” Mathieus: “Well, Neavarus never cried to his mom once!!!” Kartman: “Oh, it’s true, it’s true!!!” Mathieus: “But I can’t think of anything else to say…but Clara and Brad!?” Kartman: “I wrote this fic, and that was a bit wacky. But when you see Kendrick’s routine from here on out, you’ll realize she’s better off with Brad…But that’s all the time we have. This is Kartman.” Mathieus: “And I’m Mathieus…I’ll be back.” Kartman: “So from the Coliseum in Lohan, good night everyone!…………Hey, Matt, we need to do this again.” JR: “Can we come back now?” King: “Yeah! This is our job!” Kartman: “Come back on Monday.”THE END…OR IS IT?
*No WWF Superstars were harmed in the making of this fic. *Neavarus’ vacuum cleaner was provided courtesy Dimension Films, the party responsible for SCARY MOVIE. *Ball-n-Chain would like to specially thank the city of Lohan for hosting this milestone event, and for tolerating us nearly destroying the arena.