The FF7 Celebrity Deathmatch 2!
By Cloud Strife and Cait Sith

Boss Theme (Final Fantasy VII)

(At The Celebrity Deathmatch Arena)

Johnny: Welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch!!! I'm Johnny Gomez....
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond!!!!! Today we have some great matchups!!!!
Johnny: First we have Cid Highwind vs T.G.Cid.
Nick: And what a great match that will be. Then we have the two most hated people in the world, Yuffie Kisagari vs. Celine Dion.
Johnny: Then we have Ramza vs The guy from Quest 64, the loser will be crowned Wussiest Main Character from an RPG of all time!!!!!!
Nick: But wait, there's more. Mr. T vs Barret Wallace. Cait Sith vs Garfield, The Battle of the Felines. Mog vs A Chocobo. RedXIII vs Chewbaca.
Johnny: And that's not all. Darth Vader vs Sephiroth. Vincent Valentine vs Shadow. Cloud Strife vs Zack. And finally, the main event, Aeris Gainsborough vs Tifa Lockhart.
Nick: That's one to look forward to, Johnny. Well, let's start the first fight!
(Down in the ring)
Johnny: In this corner. Hailing from Rocket Town. Cid Highwind.
Cid:(Smoking a fat cigar) This ain't gonna no f**kin' problem. That gimpy @$$hole is goin' down in five f**kin' seconds!!!!!!
Johnny: And in this corner. Coming all the way from Final Fantasy Tatics. T.G.Cid.
T.G.Cid: (Comes in wearing Huge gold armor, weilding Excaliber Sword) .................
Nick: And T.G.Cid is speechless, like all of them in FFTactics.
Mills Lane: Okay, I've explained the rules. I want a tough, clean fight. Alright, let's get it on!!!!!!!
T.G.Cid: Lightning Stab!!!!!!
Cid:(Dripping with sarcasm) Ouch. That hurt. You messed my hair. (Opens a can of hash)
T.G.Cid:(Slices Venus Gospel in half with Excaliber)
Cid: S**T! S**T! S**T! (Drops can of hash)
T.G.Cid:(Decks him)
Cid:(His Cigar flies out of his mouth and lights Don King on fire)
Don:(Melting) What a great fight. I've haven't seen something like........ (Turns to a puddle of goo)
Mike Tyson: I'm fwee!!!! I'm fwee!!!!!!! (Runs out of the arena)
Cid: S**T!!!!!!!!!!! Ain't noting gonna save me now!!!!!
Shera:(Burst in) Except maybe this!!!! (Hands him a can of Lipton's Brisk Ice TeaTM)
Cid:(Gulps it down) Yo!!!!!!! That's Brisk, Baby!!!!!!!!
Shera: Get in there!
Cid:(Grabs a Mop from the janitor and beats the s**t out T.G.Cid with it)
Shera: Save some of that for the sequel!!!!!!! (The Anoucer's booth)
Nick: And that ends that fight!!!!!
Johnny: Cid Highwind is the winner!!!!!!
Nick: On to the next fight! (In the ring)
Johnny: In this corner. Coming here from Wutai. Yuffie Kisagari.
Yuffie: After I win this fight, I have BIG plans!!!!!!
Johnny: And in this corner. One of the most hated singers of all time, Celine Dion.
Celine:(Sings) .....and my heart will go on......
Mills: Stop that s**tty singing before I kick your @$$ outta this ring!!!!!!
Celine: Jerk....
Mills: Okay, you annoying broads, get over here. Now I've explained the rules. Obey my commands. Let's get it on!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: Alright you sorry ho!!!!!!!!!! (Slaps her around)
Celine: OUCH!!!!!!
Yuffie: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Kicks her in the face)
Celine: Oooooooof! That does it! You die now!
Yuffie: F**k you, you slut!!!!!! (Roundhouses her)
Celine: Oh!!!!!! Now for your death!!!!!! (Starts to sing)
Johnny: Cover your ears, Nick!!!!!!
Nick: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: Oh my gawd!!!!!!! THIS SINGING IS WORSE THEN BARRET'S!!!!!!!!!!
Barret: Damn right!!!!!! (Covers his ears)
Celine:(Still singing) ....and my heart will go on........
Yuffie:(Near death) ....oh......no....... (Pulls out Conformer)
Celine:(Keeps singing)......you're here.......AH!!!!!!!!! (Ducks under the conformer)
(The Conformer flies into the audience and decapitates Leonardo Di Caprio. The Conformer flies back into Yuffie's hands)
Yuffie: Now for you, DIRTTY B***H!!!!!!!! (Summons Leviathan)
Celine: OHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (Melts into a pile of mud)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: We realize that Leviathan is a crappy Summon, but when you're dirt, water washes you clean away!!!!!
Mills: And the winner, and most hated person in the world, Yuffie Kisagari!!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: YESSSS!!!!!! Now I can become the fifth Spice Girl!!!!!!! (Starts to sing) Now tell me what you want! What you really, really want!!!!!!!
Mills: I want you to shut up!!!!
Yuffie: GIRL POWER!!!!!!!!
Cid:(Smoking a fat cigar) Dammit, woman!!!!! Shuddap!!!!!!!
Yuffie: Come on!!!! SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!!!!!!! I am Oriental Spice!!!!! (Starts to sing) If you wanna be my lover, you have to be a chick!!!!!!!
Cait Sith: That does it!!!!!!! (Jumps into ring) SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: Come on, Kaitty!!!!! Spice up your life!!!!! GIRL POWER!!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Bye bye!!!!!! (The moogle uppercuts her through the roof) Now that's what I really, really want!!!!!!!
(In the anouncer's booth) Nick: What a fight!!!!
Johnny: Sure was, Nick!!!! And a great hit by Cait!!!!
Nick: Yes!! We'll see more of Cait Sith when he takes on Garfield, without the moogle, of course!
Johnny: Yeah! Now in a moment we'll see the battle over the title of Wussiest Main Character in an RPG of all time. Ramza vs the Quest64 guy!!!!
Nick: But first, let's check in with our own Stacy Cornbread.

(In locker room)

Stacy: Thanks, Nick! I'm here with Tifa Lockhart! Tifa, are you ready for your big match?
Tifa: Of course I am! I'm ready to knock that b***h's block off!!!!!
Stacy: You sound pretty confident.
Tifa: That little ho doesn't stand a chance against me!!!!!
Johnny:(From FFVII, not the announcer, walks in) Hey, Tifa!! There you are. How's it goin', BABY!!!!!!!!
Cloud:(Runs in with Ultima Weapon drawn) LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Slashes him into two pieces) @$$HOLE!!!!!!!!
Tifa: Thanks, Cloud! I never thought I'd get rid of him!!!! (Kisses Cloud)
Aeris:(Bursts in) Stay away from my Cloud!!!!!!!!
Tifa: YOUR Cloud?!?! Cloud's mine!!!!!
Aeris: Not after I beat you out of the ring tonight.
Tifa: You and what army?
Cloud: STOP IT!!!!!!! Both: Sorry......
Stacy: It looks like this will be fight to look forward to!
Back to you, Nick and Johnny!!!

(Back to the announcer's booth)

Johnny: Thanks, Stacy. I'll be look forward to it, for sure!!
Nick: And did you see what Cloud did to that guy!!!!!
Johnny: Yes. Just a taste of what Zack might recieve, eh Nick!!!!
Nick: I wouldn't want to be in his shoes, Johnny. It looks like our next fight is about to begin.
(In the ring) Johnny: In this corner. Also from FFTactics. Ramza!!!!!!!
Ramza: Delita, you coward!!!! Come back here!!!! I will NOT disgrace my family!!!!!!!
Johnny: And in this corner. Coming from the N64! The new, gay @$$ RPG character. Uh..... that guy from Quest64!!!!!!!!
Guy: Hello!!!!!
Mills: So you two wusses come here! I want to see a good fight, but with you two, it probably won't happen. Now you try and have a decent fight. Let's get it on!!!!!!!!!
Ramza: I will NOT disgrace my family!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: We don't know what the Quest64 guy's name is. And frankly we don't care. He shall be known as "Guy".
Guy: You already said that! In fact, I'm sick of hearing that. I'll rip that pony tail off after I kill you!!
Ramza: Leave my pony tail out of this. At least my hair doesn't stick up in the middle like that!!!!!!
Guy: Shut up!!!!!! (Casts a fire spell then smacks him with his staff) How come my staff does more damage than magic?
Ramza: Because you suck!!!!!! Why don't you use a real weapon, girly man! I have a pony tail and I use a manly sword!!!! What's your excuse?
Guy: Look at me! I look like a small child!
Ramza: I guess you're right. Oh well, goodnight! (Slices him with sword)
Guy:(Bleading) Ahhhhhhhh...... (Uses a Hi-Potion)
Ramza: Where did you get that?
Guy: Some guy in a town gave it to me. And lots of other stuff, too!!!
Ramza: You didn't have to pay for it?!?!?!?!
Guy: No.
Ramza: Do you pay for anything? Guy: No. I don't have any money.
Ramza: That's B.S!!!!! Where's the challenge in that?
Guy: I don't know. My game is for 4 year olds!!!!
Ramza: What kind of stupid weapon is that? Gu
y: It's my Spirit Tamer Staff.
Person in audience: I'd rather use a Princess Gaurd!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ramza: What the hell is a Spirt Tamer!
Guy: I'm a Spirit Tamer. It means I can control elements!!!!!!
Everyone: GAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ramza: Now time for you to die, WUSS!!!!!!! But it's gonna be a slow, painful death. I'm gonna watch you suffer. (Punches him.)
Guy:(Falls over, Unconcious)
Ramza:(Ties him up) I've already won. But I'll save him for later.
Mills: Ramza is the winner. The Quest64 guy is the wussiest main character of an RPG of all time.
Ramza:(Walks out draging Guy behind him)

(Back to the announcers)
Nick: That was a pretty good fight.
Johnny: Not really. That Quest64 guy is a giant wuss.
Nick: Really. If Ramza can beat him....
Johnny: Well, that was fun, but our next match will be great!
Nick: Yeah. Barret vs Mr. T!
Johnny: This battle has been coming for a long time. Ever since Barret did that crappy Mr. T impersonation, he's been looking for blood.
Nick: But first, let's go to Stacy Cornbread with some insight on this match.

(In locker room)

Stacy: I'm here with Mr. T, whose preparing for the next fight. Mr. T, this Barret fellow has been impersonating you for a while now. What are you going to do about it?
Mr. T: This chump don't stand a chance!!! Cause I can't be beat, and I won't be beat!!!!! Ain't gonna be no quick fight this time. I'm gonna torture him, I'm gonna crusify him, real bad!!!!
Stacy: Hard words, from a hard man.
Barret:(Walks in and blows Mr. T's head off) FOO!!!!!!!
Stacy: Ahhh!!! Well, It looks like this fight is over before it even began. How do you feel about this, Barret?
Barret: I feel this was wrong! I need to give them folks a show! (Walks to the ring)
Stacy: Back to you. (In ring)
Barret:(Steps into ring with Salior's suit on) Y.M.C.A...........
Audience: BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! GET OFF THE STAGE, QUEER BOY!!!!!! (Throws fruit at him)
(The FBI, CIA, and SOLDIER all team up to dipose of Barret)
Mulder: This is the worst singing I've ever heard.
Scully: I'd rather be infected with that virus again than listen to that singing!
(SOLDIER members, with CIA and FBI as back up, rush to surround Barret)
Barret:(Runs out of the arena)
Mulder: Great. Now we're gonna be chasing after him for several episodes.
(SOLDIER, CIA, and FBI leave to get Barret)

(In the announcer booth) Nick: That was some really bad singing.
Johnny: Almost as bad as Celine Dion's.
Nick: Let's hurry on to our next fight.
(In the ring)
Johnny: In this corner. CAIT SITH!!!!!!!!!
Cait Sith:(Jumps off his moogle) Howdy ho!!!!!!!
Johnny: And in the other coner. GARFIELD!!!!!!
Garfield: I want some lasagane!
Cid:(In audience) And I want some tea!
Mills: Okay, cats
! You know the rules. Make this a good fight. Let's tango! Cait: Okay! (Dances with Garfield)
Mills: I didn't mean that literally.
Garfield: Oh.
Cait: You're going down! (Smashes Garfield across the ring)
Garfield: Ouch. That does it! (Sit's on him)
Cait:(Yells through megaphone) GET OFF OF ME, FAT @$$!!!!!!!!! (Smacks him with the megaphone)
Garfield:(Get's up) I'm tired. Let's go get some lasagane.
Cait: Alright. Both:(Jump aboard Cait's moogle)
Moogle:(Flaps tiny wings and flies out of the arena)

(In the announcer's booth)
Nick: What a non-climatic battle.
Johnny: They just wern't meant to fight! Oh well!
Nick: Let's hurry on. We have a lot of fights left.

(In the ring)
Johnny: This is the battle of the cute Final Fantasy animals. In this corner. A chocobo!
Choco: WARK!!!!!! Johnny: And in this corner, Mog!
Mog:(Pulls out a rapier)
Mills: Okay, you disgustingly cute creatures. You know the rules. Blah blah blah. Let's get it on.
Mog:(4x-cuts Choco, doing 5000 damage with each slash)
Choco: WARK! (Pecks Mog, doing 14 damage and runs out of the arena)
Mog: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!
Mills: The winner is, Mog!!!!

(In announcer's booth)
Nick: Another stupid battle.
Johnny: Let's hope the next few are better.
Nick: First Barret blows Mr. T away in the locker room. Then Cait and Garfield fly out. And now this.
Johnny: Well, the best is coming up. RedXIII takes on Chewbacca.

(In ring) Johnny: In this corner. Nanaki, better known as RedXIII.
RedXIII: I shall be victorious!
Johnny: And in this corner. Chewbacca!!!!
Chewy: Urrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Mills: Alright, fuzzballs. Make this a good fight, we need one! Let's get it on!!!
RedXIII:(Pounces on Chewy and starts to maul him)
Chewy:(Knocks him off and into a turnbuckle. Grabs his front paws and tries to rip them out of the sockets)
RedXIII:(Kicks him with back paws)
Chewy:(Throws him into the air)
RedXIII:(Lands on Chewy and claws the crap out of him)
Chewy:(Gets pissed and whips out his bowcaster)
RedXIII:(Flicks his fur with his tail, lighting him on fire)
Han and Luke:(Jump into the ring) Hey! That's BS!!!!!!!!
Cloud and Cid:(Jump into ring)
Cloud: Put that lightsaber away of I'll show you how a real man fights!!!!!! (Whips out Ultima Weapon)
Han: You leave him alone!! (Draws his blaster)
Cid: Put that peice of g*****n s**t away or I'll steal your f**kin' ship and show you how a real f**kin' man flies!!!!!
Han: Can you fly through a astroid belt at top speed, while being chased by Star Destroyers and TIE fighters?!?!?!?!?!
Cid: Blindfolded!
Han: Well there's still the matter of my friend!!!
Chewy and RedXIII:(Sitting in the audience sipping beers, watching the fight)
Cid: I guess I'll join them, I'm thirsty!!!!!
Han: I'm with you there! (They sit down with RedXIII and Chewy)
Cloud and Luke:(Still pissed)
Luke: I'd do something, but the light side says I can't.
Cloud: You gotta kick those nasty habits, wuss boy!!!
Luke: There is much anger in you!!!!
Darth Vader:(Steps into ring, in all his glory) You have failed me for the last time, son. Get out of the ring. It's my turn.
Luke:(Walks meekly out of the ring)
Cloud: You shouldn't have trouble with the next battle, Darth. (Steps out of the ring)
Johnny: Now for the next battle. In the ring now. The Dark Lord of the Sith. Darth Vader!!!!!!!
Vader:(Just stands there)
Johnny: And supposed to show up shortly. The biggest @$$hole in the world. Sephiroth!!!!!!!
Sephiroth:(Materializes in ring with Masamune) I am here!
Mills: Alright! Let's get it on! I'm getting the hell out of here! (Gets out of ring)
Sephiroth:(Seeing that Darth Vader is mostly mechanical, casts Bolt 3)
Vader: What do you call that, weakling?
Sephiroth: Bolt 3.
Vader: Bolt 3? Then you can call this Bolt 99!!!!! (Raises left hand and electrfys poor Sephy so bad that his veins pop and his ears gush blood. Uses the grip to raise Sephy into the air. Holds lightsaber above his head and splits him into two peices) ALL TO EASY!
Mills:(Steps back in) That was truly awsome. The undisputed winner, and still champion of the universe, DARTH VADER!!!!!!!!!
Crowd:(Goes Ballistic)

(Back to the Anouncers)
Johnny: What a couple of great fights. Nick: The force was deffinatly not with Sephiroth!
Johnny: You said it, Nick! Hahahaha!!!!!
Nick: Let's hope the next two fights combined are HALF as bloody!!!

(In the ring)
Johnny: In the next battle. In this corner. Vincent Valentine!!!!!!!
Vincent: ...........
Johnny: And in the other corner, Shadow.
Shadow: .............
Mills: Alright, dark boys. You two goth freaks already know the rules. I want a tough, clean fight. I want a pair of comfortable shoes. I want to meet women. And I want a beer. Alright, let's get it on!!!!!!!
Vincent: You don't stand a chance in hell!!!!!!!
Shadow: We'll see!!!!! (Throws shruken at him)
Vincent: How lame @$$!!!! (Deflects the shurken with his claw)
Shadow:(Sicks his dog on him)
Vincent: See ya', Lassie!!!!
(Shoots the dog)
Shadow: Hey!!!!!! (Throws more shurkens at him)
Vincent: You suck @$$!!!!!!
Shadow: So do your tarts!!!!!!!!
Audience:(Goes silent)
Vincent:(Red with rage) NOBODY INSULTS MY TARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Transforms into Hellmasker)
Shadow: Oh.....no.......
Vincent:(Chases Shadow around the ring, reving up chainsaw) Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shadow: Mercy........
Vincent: NO MERCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Chops off his legs) SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Decapitates him) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Transforms back into himself) Rest in pieces!
Mills: And the winner is Vincent Valentine!!!!!!!!! Hey, you gonna have to sleep for that?
Vincent: He was a wannabe, it's not a sin. I'm kinda sorry I killed the dog, though............. (Flies out of ring)

(Announcer's Booth)
Nick: Anouther blood filled fight!!!!!
Johnny: This is our longest show ever. And we have two more fights to go!!!!!!!!
Nick: The next one should be great!!!!!! Cloud takes on Zack!!!!!!

(In ring)
Cloud and Zack:(Enter from either side of the ring in same uniform, both with Buster Swords)
Johnny: And now..... In the Blue corner. Hailing from Nibelheim. CLOUD STRIFE!!!!!!! And in the red corner. Coming from Gongaga. ZACK!!!!!!!
Mills: Alright you two. Make this a tough fight!! Obey my commands!!! LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!!!!!
Zack: Cloud, just give up. You know you can't win. You're just a shady imposter of me, anyway. You're just a puppet, and Sephiroth is the puppeteer!!!!!
Cloud: ......
Voice in Cloud's head: Everybody loves Zack! Everybody respects Zack! Zack made it into SOLDIER, why couldn't you? Aeris loves Zack.......
Cloud: OMNI-SLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Cloud not only performs the regular Omni-slash, but keeps going. Zack is mutilated beyond regocnition. Pieces of him go flying in every direction. The first rows in the audience are drenched in blood)
Janiter: OH S**T!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna be cleanin' that up for weeks!!!!!!
Yuffie:(Pukes all over RedXIII)
RedXIII: Awww, come on!!!!!!! (Mauls Yuffie)
Cid:(Walks up to janitor) Hot damn!!!!! Here's your mop back!!!!!!!!
Crowd:(Sitting there bug-eyed with their mouth's hanging open)
Cloud:(Finally stops his Omni-slash)
Vader:(To Luke) Why can't you be more like him, son?
Cloud:(Starts to do the Cloud Strife FreakoutTM)
Aeris:(Steps into ring) It's all right, Cloud. (Puts her hand on his shoulder)
Cloud: I'm sorry.... I knew you liked him.....
Aeris: No, Cloud. It's only you!
Tifa:(Bursts out of dressing room) Get away from him, you skank!!!!!!
Johnny: And now, for the Main Event!!!!!! In the red corner. Coming from the slums of Midgar. AERIS GAINSBUROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aeris:(Prays)
Johnny: And in the blue corner. Coming from Nibelheim. TIFA LOCKHART!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tifa: You're really gonna get hurt this time, missy!!!!! You should have stayed away from my Cloud!!!!!!!
Aeris: I'll forgive you.
Tifa: That won't cut it!!!! You have to feel some pain!!!!!!!!
Mills: Alright, ladies!!!! I want a tough, clean fight! You know the rules. Obey my commands at all time!!!!! LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Good luck...... (Steps out of the ring)
Aeris: Thanks, Cloud! (Blows him a kiss)
Tifa: He was talking to me!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs and decks Aeris)
Aeris: OOF! (Limit breaks) Healing Wind! (Gets cured by the wind)
Tifa: DAMMIT!!!!!!!!
Aeris: I don't believe in revenge....... but........ (Conks Tifa with her staff)
Tifa:(Sarcasticly) Ouch! A whole 14 damage! YOU SUCK!!!!!!!! (Closlines Aeris)
Aeris:(On ground) Ouch!!! This mat is hard! (Trips Tifa with her staff) Let's see how you like it!!
Tifa: WAH! (Lands face first on the mat)
Aeris:(Gets up and starts kicking Tifa in the small of the back) Wait! (Stops) This is all wrong!!!
Tifa:(Getting up) You're soooooo right!!!!! (Knocks Aeris on her face and starts to kick her in the ribs)
Aeris: Ahhh!!!!! HELP!!!!!!
Tifa: No one's gonna save you now!!!!!
Aeris:(Grabs Tifa's foot) Then I'll save myself!!!! (Starts to twist it)
Tifa: AH!
Aeris:(Pulls Tifa onto the ground) Don't kick a good woman while she's down! (Gets up)
Tifa:(Rubbing her twisted ankle) That hurt! (Gets up)
Mills:(Helping Tifa up) Are you alright?
Tifa: Yes.
Mills: Can you go on?
Tifa: Yes.
Mills: Do you want to go on?
Tifa: HELL YES!!!!!! (Body slams Aeris)
Aeris: Aaaaaach! Your...... plastic.... boobs.... are..... crushing.... me.......
Tifa:(Still on top of Aeris) How many times must I tell you? THESE ARE REAL!!!!!!!!!!!
Aeris:(Elbows Tifa in the face, knocking her off) Sure they are!
Tifa: DAMMIT!!!!! (Gets up) Now I'm pissed!!!! (Puts on brass knuckles)
Aeris:(Conks Tifa with the staff again)
Tifa: DAMMIT!!!! I'm sick of this!! (Grabs the staff and breaks it over her knee) Say goodbye to your gay @$$ Princess Guard!!!
Aeris: Well, the Premium Heart is gay too!!!! (Decks Tifa)
Tifa: Oh, please!!!!!!! You're way girlier then me!!!!! At least I don't watch the Care Bears!!!!!!
Aeris: At least I don't watch Jerry Springer!!!!!!!!
Audience: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
Jerry:(In audience) What's wrong with my show?
Aeris: Nothing, if you like the White Trash Hour!!!!!!!
Jerry: It's not my fault!
Tifa:(Kicks Aeris in the butt while she's engaged in conversation with Jerry) You can't win, Aeris!! Go back to Zack!!!!
Aeris: I can't! Cloud killed him!! You should go back to Johnny!!!!!
Tifa: I can't! Cloud killed him!! You should go back to Tseng!!!!
Cloud:(Stands up) That reminds me! (Leaves arena to go kill Tseng)
Aeris: I didn't have anything with him in the first place! Besides, Cloud's going to go kill him!!!!
Guy in Audience:(Stands up) The only good turk is a dead turk!!!!!
Audience: YEAH!!!!!!
Elena:(Runs out of the arena crying)
Cloud:(Returns with sword all bloody) That takes care of that problem!!!!!
Aeris: I never liked Tseng anyway.... DIE B***H!!!!!!! Ooooops!!!!!!
Tifa: Oh yeah!!!!
Aeris: Yeah!!!!
Tifa: I'll kill you!!!!!
Aeris: Dream on!!!!!
Tifa: You ditz!!!!
Aeris: That's it!!!!!! DOUBLE D!!!! I'll pray for your death!!!!!! (Starts to pray)
Tifa: Oh no you don't!!! (Roundhouses Aeris)
Aeris: Crap!!! I didn't finish my prayer!!!!!
Tifa: Now I'll finish you!!!!!!! (Kicks her in the face)
Aeris: AH!!!!! HO!!!! (Bitch slaps Tifa)
Tifa: HO!!!!!! (Bitch slaps Aeris)
Aeris: HO!!!!! (Bitch slaps Tifa)
Tifa: HO!!!!!! (Bitch slaps Aeris)
Aeris: HO!!!!!!! (Bitch slaps Tifa)
Tifa: HO!!!!!!!!!!! (Bitch slaps Aeris)
Aeris: HO!!!!!!!!!!! (Bitch slaps Tifa)
Tifa: HO!!!!!!!!!! (Bitch slaps Aeris)
Aeris: HO!!!!!!!!!!!! (Bitch slaps Tifa)
Tifa: HO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Bitch slaps Aeris)
Aeris: Ouch!!!! My hand hurts!
Tifa: Mine too!
Aeris:(Rubs her cheek) Why did we do that? This is more effective! (Punches Tifa in the face)
Tifa:(Steps back. Trips on one of Zack's eyeballs) Ewwwww!!!!!!!
Aeris:(Moves tword Tifa but trips on Zack's other eye) Yuck!!!!!!
(Zack's eyeball goes flying and lands in Cid's tea)
Cid:(Pukes all over RedXIII)
RedXIII: Aw, come on!!! Not again!!!!! (Starts to maul Cid)
Cid: Get the hell off of me you @$$hole!!!!!! (Kicks RedXIII in the nuts)
Aeris and Tifa: Do you two mind? We're kind of in the middle of something up here!!!!!!
Cid: Then finish it you f**kin' morons!!!! (Steps on RedXIII's head)
Tifa: Alright!!! (Picks up a chair and breaks it over Aeris's head) I win!!!!!!!
Mills:(Counts Aeris out) The winner, Tifa Lockhart!!!!!
Cloud:(Runs into the ring) Aeris!!!! Are you alright?
Tifa: WHY IS IT ALWAYS AERIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I won the fight!!!! (Storms out of the Arena)
(Suddenly Cait's moogle flies back in with Cait Sith and Garfield on his back)
Cait Sith: Did we miss anything?
Yuffie: Yeah! You missed the whole thing!!!!
Cait Sith: DAMMIT, Garfeild!!!! This is all your fault!!!!!! (Uppercut's him through the roof)
Mills: Cait Sith is finally the winner!!!!!

(In announcer's booth)
Nick: What a finish to a great fight!!!!
Johnny: Sure was, Nick!!! Now, let's recap the fights. Cid defeated T.G.Cid! Yuffie washed Celine Dion away!!!! Ramza tourtured The Quest64 guy and won!!! Barret blew away Mr T! Cait Sith just finished off Garfeild! Mog beat the Chocobo! The RedXIII/Chebacca battle went undecided! Darth Vader mutilated Sephiroth! Vincent distroyed Shadow! Cloud made a mockery of Zack's very existance! And Tifa just barely won against Aeris! This is a clay-per-view record as the most fights on a single episode of Celebrity Deathmatch!!!
Nick: So until next time, I'm Nick Diamond!
Johnny: And I'm Johnny Gomez saying, good fight, good night!!!!!!
(The End)

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