The Celebrity Deathmatch 4
By Dyne
Weapon Theme (Final Fantasy VII)
(At the Celebrity Deathmatch Arena)
Nick: Welcome to yet another Celebrity Deathmatch! I'm Nick Diamond!
Johnny: I'm Johnny Gomez, we have so many matches this time it's not even funny!
Nick: First up we have Robo vs. Sasuke!
Johnny: Those two robots should have an interesting fight. Next up it's Alundra vs. Link!
Nick: Then there's Magus vs. Death, Butz vs. Prettz, and Shao Kahn vs. Darth Vader!
Johnny: That's right Nick. Afterwards there's the Battle of the Belmonts, Simon vs. Richter vs. Trevor vs. Sonia!
Nick: And then there's the world's largest food eating contest, Garfield vs. Pac-man vs. Jughead vs. Palmer vs. Homer!
Johnny: Up after that are more two-on-two matches, Edgar and Sabin vs. Palom and Porom and Ramza and Delita vs. Cloud and Dav!
Nick: That should be easy for 'em. Following are Megaman X vs. Barret, Goldust vs. Pee-Wee Herman, Interceptor vs. Odie, and the Ultimate WEAPON vs. the Atma Weapon!
Johnny: Even better is our vehicle match. An X-Wing vs. the Big Whale vs. the Black Jack vs. an Arwing.
Nick: Once again with the pilots switched around!
Audience: (Cheers)
Johnny: Next are the Ninja Turtles vs. Yuffie, Edge, Zangan, and Yang!
Nick: Even more matches are Cait Sith vs. Barney, Ganon vs. Thok, John Steel Clayton vs. Iron Mike Tyson, and Sub-Zero vs. Mr. Freeze!
Johnny: After those we have Karl Malone and Sammy Sosa vs. Dennis Rodman and Mark MacGwire, Valvalis vs. the Tazmanian Devil, Boogerman vs. Evector, and Cid vs. Cid vs. Cid vs. Cid vs. Cid vs. Cid!
Nick: Finally, our featured match, the settling of almost every love triangle ever!
Johnny: The teams are Tifa vs. Aeris! Betty vs. Veronica! Marle vs. Lucca! Terra vs. Celes! Tia vs. Selan! Malon vs. Zelda! and Rosa vs. Rydia!
Author's note: Some of the triangles aren't in games, I found 'em in fanfics.
Nick: Whew. Are you sure we didn't forget anything?
Johnny: Not as such no.
Nick: All right then, let's go to the first match!
(In the ring)
Mills Lane: In the red corner! From 2300 AD of Chrono Trigger, Robo!
Robo: (Waves) Greetings, what is your command?
Mills: In the blue corner! From Japan of Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon, Sasuke!
Sasuke: Latakitanek! (Or however it's spelled)
Mills: All right you guys I want you to tear each other apart without blowing us all up! Fight!
Sasuke: You will never defeat me! I am much faster than you!
Robo: I am different, I have emotions. (Robo-punches Sasuke)
Sasuke: Ow! I warn you, my wise ol' man can create anything far better than you, you #%@$# piece of scrap metal! (Jump-kicks Robo in the head)
Robo: Oil has washed over my sight sensors! Sight diminished!
Sasuke: Ha ha! (Throws a kunai of severe cold at Robo)
Rob (Frozen): Defect! I'm a defect!
Sasuke: (Attacks several times while Robo is frozen)
Robo: I do not give up, my name is Robo. (Breaks outta the ice and uses Cure Beam on himself)
Sasuke: You wimp! (Throws a fire cracker bomb)
Robo: (Uses the bomb to do use Double Bomb dual tech to severely hurt Sasuke)
Sasuke: Ow! I'll get you for that!
Robo: (Robo tackles Sasuke)
Sasuke: (Batteries fly out)
Robo: (Shoots Sasuke with a laser)
Sasuke: (Recharges from the blast) Ohhhh... I need some tea. (Looks around and sees a can of Cid's tea)
Mills: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Sasuke: (Starts to drink Cid's tea)
Cid: (Runs in) Hey! You f***in' f**k!!! Who said you could drink my f***ing tea!!! (Impales Sasuke on his spear and rips his head off)
Sasuke: (Dies... duh!)
Mills: Robo wins... I guess.
Robo: Lucca you have taught me these emotions. Thank you.
(In the announcer's booth)
Nick: Most people learn the hard way, don't mess with Cid Highwind's tea!
Johnny: That's right Nick. Let's just say Sasuke wasn't very bright.
Nick: Everyone knew that already. Before the next match, let's speak with Stacy Cornbread in the locker room.
(In the locker room)
Stacy: Thanks Nick. I'm in here with Wedge Antilles, pilot of the X-Wing. Wedge, how do you feel about flying a ship you've never flown before?
Wedge: If I can fly a starfighter through a black hole cluster I can fly anything.
Han (Runs in): Hey! You never flew through the Maw! I did!
Wedge: Shut up! You and your lame @$$ ship had better get outta here before I blast your d**k off!
Cid (Runs in): You &!#$&^^*#%%^*#!#%*@$%*@$*@$6*@$^*2^*@%^*^*@$($%*#%!!! I could outfly both you f***in' morons!
Han: Can you elude an Imperial pursuit while flying through orbiting ship wreckage?
Cid: Blindfolded!
Wedge: Can you fly through a black hole cluster?
Cid: With one hand tied behind my back.
Han/Wedge: (Sulk out)
Stacy: I guess you shattered their confidence Cid.
Cid: Damn right! (Opens a can of hash)
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: 2nd time today that Cid's intervened.
Johnny: That's just going to show how much @$$ he's going to kick in his match. Speaking of which, let's go on to the next one!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! Alundra!
Alundra: (Just stands there)
Mills: And in the blue corner! Link!
Link: (Just stands there)
Mills: Alright! This'll prove who's the best elfish person type thing... I want to see some BLOOD!!! Fight!
Alundra: (Draws the Legendary Sword)
Link: (Draws the Master Sword)
Alundra: You wimp! Having to use a crappy sword like that!
Link: You think so? (Puts it away) Okay. (Draws the Biggy) How about this!
Alundra: Crap!
Link: (Slashes repeatedly)
Alundra: (Dodges) Ha! You missed! (Backs away and summons a tornado)
Link: Uh oh. (Quickly plays the Song of Storms)
Alundra/Link: (Get thrown up into the air, slam into each other and the walls of the stadium, fall to the ground, struck by lightning, trampled by a herd of stampeding chocobos, and die)
Alundra: (Is revived by the Wonder Essence he's carrying)
Link: (Is revived by the trapped fairy he's carrying)
Alundra/Link: (Get up)
Link: (Still dazed) Huh? Where'd he go?
Navi: Hey! He's over here Link!
Alundra: Shut up you stupid worthless piece of $%$# fairy! (Grabs Navi, rips her head off, and crushes the body)
Audience: (Cheers)
Author's Note: I just say that Navi is the most annoying character ever in any Zelda games!
Alundra: Now it's your turn! (Summons a fire storm over Link)
Link: (Emerges wearing the Goron tunic) HA! (Uses the hookshot to pull Alundra up to him)
Alundra: (Is unconscious)
Vince McMahon: He's out on his feet!
Mills: Hey! Get the hell back to the WWF! (Boots Vince outta the arena)
Link: (Knocks Alundra over with the Megaton Hammer)
Alundra: (Is still out and has a few broken ribs)
Link: (Plays Epona's Song)
Epona: (Tramples Alundra)
Alundra: NO! (Heals himself and gets up)
Link: You asked for it dips**t! (Shoots an arrow into his nuts)
Alundra (High pitched voice): S**T!!! (Rolls around on the ground holding his nuts)
Link: (Pulls out his sword, raises it, and stops) Too easy.
Sephiroth: (Comes flying down) Huh? I thought Aeris'd be here.
Mills: (Boots Sephiroth outta the arena)
Link: (Uses the golden gauntlets to pick up and section of the stadium and throws it onto Alundra)
Alundra: (Is crushed instantly)
Mills: Link wins!
Link: (Just stands there)
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: Definitely not the way to die?
Johnny: Which time? First or second?
Nick: Should we move on?
Johnny: Nope! While Link puts the stadium back together we'll have a commercial!
Nick: (Groans)
(Commercials roll)
Sephiroth: Hi! I'm Sephiroth, you probably know me as the maniacal fiend who tried to destroy the world with Meteor. If you want to hear the latest hits and greatest tunes of all time just tune into AM 666. Station K.R.A.P.!
Cloud: We don't care what you want! Why did we give him a commercial slot Cait?
Cait Sith: Otherwise he'd have ruined the matches.
Cloud: How could he do that? OMNI-SLASH!!!
Sephiroth: (Speaking hurriedly) Tune into AM 666 for the latest hits or dial 1-800-BULL-S**T, that's AAAAHHHHH!!!!! (Cuts torn up by the Omni-Slash)
(Commercials done)
Nick: Why do we have these?
Johnny: So Cloud an' Cait can hawk their products.
Nick: Time for the next match!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! From Chrono Trigger, Magus!
Magus (Cape flowing in the wind): The black wind howls...
Mills: In the blue corner! From Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, Death!
Death: I demand that you cease your attack!
Mills: Alright! No instant kills and no hellspawn! Let's go!
Death: For the master, I'll feast on your soul this night! (Summons all those pointless flying scythes)
Magus: All right then... if you're prepared for the void... (Casts Fire 2)
Death: AAAAAHHHH!!! (Burns to nothingness)
Mills: Magus wins!
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: That really sucked @$$!
Johnny: Yeah, we all know that Death is a really crappy boss in Symphony of the Night.
Nick: Do we care?
Nick/Johnny: No.
Nick: Screw it then. On to the next match!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! From Final Fantasy V, Butz!
Butz: This was a really bad idea.
Mills: In the blue corner! From that lame-@$$ Anime Final Fantasy movie, Prettz!
Prettz: Oh for crackin' ice!
Mills: Okay, you both have moronic names, bad hairstyles, and no brains! Let's get it on!
Prettz: Eat this Seymour! (Slashes)
Butz: (Dodges) Seymour?!
Prettz: Yeah! Seymour Butz! (Plane crash sound effects are heard)
Butz: God you're stupid!
Prettz: Hey! I'm your descendant!
Butz: F**k your heritage! (Casts Bolt 3)
Prettz: (Shocked) AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! (Falls over)
Linaly: (Runs in) Prettz I'm here! (Summons the Flying Dragon)
Author's Note: Wow! What a name! Let's hear it for originality! (Scattered applause)
Flying Dragon: (Picks up Prettz and flies into the air)
Lenna: (Runs in) Here Butz! (Summons Hiryuu)
Butz: Uh... I'm sorta afraid of heights...
Lenna: Too bad! (Pulls him onto the Hiryuu)
Mills: And the battle takes to the air!
(Up in the air)
Linaly: Uh oh!
Prettz: What's the matter? Your butt glowing again? (Looks to see)
Linaly: No, look! (Points at the incoming Hiryuu)
Butz: (Stabs the Flying Dragon in the heart.)
Flying Dragon: (Dies and falls through the clouds)
Linaly: Oh my!
Prettz: What's the matter?
Linaly: I've never flown through a cloud before.
Prettz: (Impersonating her) Oh I'm glad you're having such a good time. Now the fluffy clouds are gone and (voice normalizes) what're you going to do now!?
Author's Note: That was probably the only good line in the whole f***ing movie.
Flying Dragon: (Lands on its back killing Prettz, Linaly, and forming a huge crater)
Mills: Butz wins!
Butz: Uh oh... I think I'm gonna... (Pukes all over the Hiryuu)
Hiryuu (Eyes covered with vomit): (Shrieks and crashes into the wall of the stadium killing Butz, Lenna, and itself)
(In the announcers' booth)
Johnny: Very unusual match.
Nick: Not bloody enough though.
Johnny: Eddie the janitor'll have a lot of work to do when this is all over.
Nick: Yeah I wouldn't want to fill in that crater. Let's go-
Johnny: To a commercial!
Nick: Damn!
(Commercials roll)
Cait Sith: Hi! Cait Sith here with our new commercial for our remarkable product that's made Cloud'n me the richest people on the planet.
Cloud: That's right Cait, this product will solve all of those f***in' problems that we as Americans always have.
Cait Sith: That's the Instant Plot Device!
Cloud/Cait: Just add water!
Cait Sith: For instance, take Dav Cole.
Dav: Hey guys.
Cloud: He grew up under a false name, lost his family and friends, and was nearly killed by Shinra.
Cait Sith: (Playing a sad tune on a violin)
Dav: Yeah but that was before I met these guys. I used an Instant Plot Device (Just add water) to turn my life around. I found my gold chocobo, became a "treasure hunter" and killed Yuffie seven times already.
Cait Sith: Yeah but Vincent keeps bringing her back with another Instant Plot Device.
Cloud/Dav: Just add water!
Cait Sith: Each device is only 3000 gil. Order yours today!
Cheesy voice: Have your credit card ready and dial 1-800-555-PLOT! That's 1-800-555-PLOT!
Cait Sith: What the f**k do we have to do to get ridda you! Let's get him guys!
Cloud/Cait/Dav: (Rush in and kill the source of the voice)
Newsman: We bring you this special report. The Sega building has just been destroyed.
Cloud: We don't care! (Kills the newsman)
(Commercial's done)
Nick: How often do they come up with new products?
Johnny: I don't know. Let's move on!
Nick: Waittaminute! The crater's gone!
Eddie (Holding up an INSTANT PLOT DEVICE (Just add water!)): (Laughs maniacally)
Nick: Now I know why he works for only 3000 gil a week.
Cloud: He's our best customer.
Johnny: Move on!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! The emperor of the Outer Realm of Mortal Kombat, Shao Khan!
Khan: You weak pathetic fool!
Mills: In the blue corner! The @$$ kicking master of the Dark Side! Our returning champion, Darth Vader!
Vader: The Force is not strong with this one.
Mills: This'll be one helluva fight! Let's get it on!
Khan: (Shoots a green beam)
Vader: (Blocks with his hands) And what was that pathetic attempt?
Khan: Motaro! Eliminate that nuisance!
Motaro: (Roars and jumps into the ring)
Vader: Is that all you can do? (Holds Motaro in place with the Force and cuts him up with his lightsaber.)
Khan: That weak pathetic fool! (Charges Vader)
Vader: (Trips Khan) Enough of this nonsense! (Chokes him with the Force)
Khan: (Head explodes)
Mills: Vader wins again!
Vader: I'm not finished yet! YOU! (Points at Leonardo Dicaprio) Come over here!
Leo: Y-yes sir. (Jumps into ring)
Vader: (Rips Leo in two with the Force) Why did I do that? Because I can!
Mills: Also because that f***ing dips**t is a real pussy!
Vader: That too.
Mills/Vader: (Laugh maniacally)
Johnny: Another great performance by our own Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader!
Nick: Who's his next challenger?
Johnny: Let me see... (Looks at the Celebrity Deathmatch 5 schedule) Gau from FF6.
Gau: Uuuaoo! (Jumps into ring)
Mills: Not now you idiot!
Gau: GAU! (Does a rage in which actually hits Vader and rips his mask off!)
Vader: (Revealed to be a zit-faced, buck-toothed, bad hairstyled geek with a high-pitched voice)
Audience: (Laughs hysterically)
Vader: Please don't laugh at me!
Audience: (Laughs harder)
Vader: I said don't laugh at me!
Audience: (Laughs even harder)
Vader: NNNOOOOOOO!!! (Does the Cloud Strife Freakout (TM) and kills himself with his lightsaber)
Mills: Uh... the new champion of the universe, Gau!
Vader's Ghost (Appears): Well you beat kid. Now you're going to have people challenging you from all over the galaxy trying to take your title! Ha! Ha! Ha! WELCOME TO HELL KID!!! (Laughs maniacally and disappears)
Gau: Uuaaaoww...
(Back to the announcers' booth)
Johnny: NO!!! Vader was the source for most of our profits!!! (Starts crying) It's just not fair. WWAAAAHHHH!!!
Nick: Take it easy Johnny, there're more matches that should be great. Speaking of which, let's go on before Mallow here calls for another commercial!
(In the ring)
Mills: In corner one! From Castlevanias I, II, and VI, Simon Belmont!
Simon: (Brandishes his whip)
Mills: In corner two! From Castlevania Dracula X and Symphony of the Night, Richter Belmont!
Richter: You steal men's souls, and make them you slaves!
Mills: In corner three! From Castlevania III, Trevor Belmont!
Trevor: I must cleanse the Belmont name.
Mills: And in corner four! From Castlevania Legends, Sonia Belmont!
Sonia: I will defeat you, monster!
Mills: I want plenty of whipping to death! I want a nice bloody fight! I want a raise! I want Sonia with me in bed! I want a lot things... Fight!
(Trevor fights Simon while Richter takes on Sonia.)
Simon: You must really suck to be able to whip in only two directions!
Trevor: Hey! I had allies unlike you who needs the assistance of eight f***ing directions!
Simon: Too bad you all sucked @$$ to be able to die in 3-4 hit! (Whips Trevor four times)
Trevor: Crap! That dips**t's right! (Dies)
Sonia: All right you lame @$$ moron who needs special moves, come and get me!
Richter: Hey, at least I can use the sub-weapons instead of relying on idiotic spells!
Sonia (Sounding like the old church-lady from Saturday Night Live): Well isn't that special!
Richter: That's it! HYDRO-STORM!!!
Sonia: Uh oh. (Uses her wimpy Burning Rage (or whatever the hell it's called) to become invincible)
Simon: Anyone ever tell you you flaunt like a prostitute when you do that?
Sonia: HEY!!! (Pushes him into the acid rain)
Simon: I'm melting! Meeeeelllllllltiiiiiiiinnnnnng!!! (Dies)
Sonia: Now for you! (Charges Richter)
Richter: I don't think so! (Whips her around the ankles to trip her)
Sonia: (Gets knocked unconscious on impact)
Richter: Simon gave me an idea. (Ties Sonia up and holds her up by her hair) Who wants her?! Highest bid wins!
Mills: I bid $100!
Rufus: I bid 200 gil!
Child: Papa! I want that! Please!
Papa: No you don't, now pipe down!
Child: I want it! I want it! Buy it! Pretty please.
Don Corneo: 300 gil!
Kefka: 500 GP!
Marion Barry: I bid $5,000,000!
Richter: Going once! Twice! Sold to the mayor of D.C.!
Mills: Now you know why I want a raise!
Sonia: (Recovers) Huh? What happened? (Tries to walk but falls) Oof! Hey! Who did this to me?!
Richter: (Gestures at Marion) Meet your new sex master.
Sonia: Noooo!!! (Tries to crawl away)
Marion: Do me a favor and put her in my room for now. I'll borrow a Manipulate materia from Cait Sith later.
Richter: Gotcha. (Drags Sonia away)
Mills: The overall coolest Belmont ever, Richter!
(In the announcers' booth)
Johnny: Is his eyesight going?
Nick: No, but we all know Marion Barry.
Johnny: I guess... let's move on!
Nick: You mean no commercial?
Johnny: Thanks for reminding me! Let's see-
Nick: (Bashes Johnny's head in with his chair) We'll go to our other ring where Stacy will ref the next match.
(In the other ring)
Stacy: Contestant number one! Garfield!
Garfield: I want some lasagna.
Stacy: Contestant number two! Pac-man!
Pac-man: I'll be right back! (Runs to the bathroom)
Stacy: So that's where he goes whenever he uses one of those side-exits. Contestant three! From Archie Comics, Jughead Jones!
Jughead: Let's go, I'm hungry!
Stacy: Contestant number four! From Springfield USA, Homer Simpson!
Homer: (Runs in without any clothes on)
Lisa: Dad! Hide your shame!
Homer: Huh? D'oh! (Runs out to put something on)
Stacy: That couldn't have been good for a few appetites. Contestant five! From Shinra Inc., Palmer!
Palmer: (Dancing) Tra! La! La! (Farts)
Stacy: Gentlemen, pick your food!
Garfield: Lasagna!
Pac-man: Power pellets!
Jughead: Hamburgers!
Homer: (Bird s**t lands on his head) D'ohnuts!
Palmer: Lard! Yummy yummy lard!
Stacy: Whoever eats the biggest amount of food before dying wins!
Contestants: Wohoo! (Start inhaling food)
Stacy: This match will go on for more matches, so we'll come back as more happens.
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: Johnny's still unconscious so we'll simply go to the next match.
(In the ring)
Mills: In side one! The twins of FF6, Edgar and Sabin Figaro!
Edgar: I did not steal your stuffed chocobo when we were 5!
Sabin: You did!
Mills: Uh... okay. In side two! The twins of FF4, Palom and Porom!
Palom: Chill out dudes!
Porom: (Whacks Palom)
Mills: This time I want to see some heads fly courtesy of Edgar's chainsaw! Let's get it on!
Palom/Porom: COMET!!! (Stars fall)
Edgar (Unhurt): Oh wow! That maybe gave me a bruise! (Revs up chainsaw and cuts 'em both up in several pieces)
Palom/Porom: (Die)
Sabin: Hey! I wanted to have a shot at 'em!
Edgar: Too bad.
Sabin: YOU @#%!@#$&!#$^@$^&!#%*@#%#%^*@$^*^W$*%^*(%&#%^*(^&#$^*$%&W$%^$%&E$!!!!!!!!!!! (Bum Rushes Edgar)
Edgar: (Dies and a headless stuffed chocobo falls out of his pocket)
Sabin: Mr. Chocobo! WAAAHHHH!!! (Runs crying into the locker room)
Mills: Well... since Sabin's the only one alive... I guess he wins... maybe...
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: Well that was pretty f***in' short.
Johnny: (Finally wakes up) What'd I miss?
Nick: A very bloody but bad match. Let's see how our chow-hounds are doing!
(In the other ring)
Stacy: Nick, everyone in here is still going strong. Waittaminute!
Homer: (Starts choking)
Carl: Hey Homer's chokin' again!
Lenny: Isn't there a safety chart around here?
Homer: (Stops choking and keeps eating)
Garfield: (Suddenly stops and starts hitting his heart)
Stacy: He's having a heart attack!
Jon: No I don't think Garfield even has a heart.
Garfield: You f***ing geek! (Eats Jon and dies)
Stacy: And Garfield's out! Back to you Nick!
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: Thanks Stacy!
Johnny: Obviously Garfield couldn't eat as much as he claimed. Time for the next match!
Nick: (Says nothing)
(In the ring)
Author's Note: This match was inspired by Ramza-chan's Page of Final Fantasy Fun.
Mills: In side one! Ramza Beoulve and Delita Hyral!
Delita: You never gave me back that chocolate pudding cup you stole from me in fifth grade!
Ramza: Shut up! You stole mine a lot more times!
Mills: In side two! Cloud Strife and Dav Cole!
Cloud: This is going to be easy.
Dav: Ah you deserve the break. Anyone who fights DiCraprio needs an easy match. (See Celebrity Deathmatch 3)
Mills: Let's make this a really bloody fight! Let's KILL!!!
Cloud: You heard him! OMNI-SLASH!!!
Dav: Ha! JUSTICE-SLASH!!!
(The double limit completely mutilates Ramza.)
Ramza: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! (Starts to run away)
Delita: Ramza you coward! Come back here! Or I'll disgrace your family!
Cloud/Dav: (Glance at each other with quizzical expressions)
Ramza: (Casts Cure 4) I will not disgrace my family! (Pulls out THE chocolate pudding cup and holds his sword up to it) Remember THIS!? (Laughs maniacally)
Delita: My pudding cup! You f***in' queer!
Ramza: I've had it with me all these years!
Delita: You always teased me just because your family was more important! HOLY EXPLOSION!
(The explosion kills Ramza and knocks the pudding cup outta his hand.)
Dav: (Catches the cup)
Delita: HEY!
Dav: (Tosses the cup to Cloud)
Cloud: Come get it if you can!
Delita: Aauuugh!!! (Tries to get the pudding as Cloud and Dav toss between each other)
Ten minutes later...
Delita: (Finally catches the cup) Yes! I've waited ten years for this!
Dav: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Delita: Shut the hell up! (Eats the pudding and instantly dies of food poisoning)
Cloud: How stupid was that?
Mills: To no surprise, Cloud and Dav win!
Cloud/Dav: (High five)
(In the announcers' booth)
Johnny: Nick is a little tied up so we'll go to a commercial.
Nick (Tied up): Johnny this isn't funny! Untie me! These are deathmatches not a commercial galleria!
Johnny: Too bad.
(Commercials roll)
Cloud: Cait Sith introduced a new product with my name on it without my permission. (See Celebrity Deathmatch 3) So I decided to get even.
Announcer: Are you tired of those boring banks that just sit there?
Two kids: Yeah.
Announcer: Well, introducing the new Cait Sith bank!
Kids: Cool!
Announcer: This bank will give you a fortune every time you deposit any amount of gil, and the moogle will dance and give you your friggin' fortune and Cait will say something as well!
Kid 1: Let me try! (Puts 5 gil in)
Moogle: (Does it's dance)
Kid 1: (Reads the fortune) The sky is falling!
(The roof of the set collapses and kills the kid)
Cait's voice: Did I ever mention that they usually come true?
Announcer: Each bank is only 100 gil. Dial 1-800-CAIT-BANK today.
(Commercial's done)
Johnny: You're right Nick, that last one was pretty crappy. (Unties Nick)
Nick: You're damn right! Time for the next match!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! The leader of the Maverick Hunters, Megaman X!
X: Time to get serious!
Mills: In the blue corner! The leader of AVALANCHE, Barret "'da man" Wallace!
Barret: Sheet foo'! You're goin' down!
Mills: If I don't see any body parts shot off I quit! Fight!
X: (Charges X-Buster and fires) Take this! (Blows Barret's left arm off)
Barret: You goddamn f***in' foo'! BIG SHOT!!! (Blows X's X-Buster off)
X: Damn! (Dashes forward and kicks Barret in the nuts)
Barret (High-pitched voice): s**t! (Beats on X with his gun-arm)
X (Dented in several places): (Uses a sub-tank to repair all damage)
Barret: You f***in' wimp! (Blows his head off)
X: (Short circuits and explodes)
Mills: I pity da' foo' who don't acknowledge Barret Wallace as the winner!
Barret: No thanks to that f***in' redneck Cid.
Cid: (Jumps into the ring) Shattap you goddamn monkey! (Shoves spear up his @$$)
Barret: AH!!! My @$$! My f***in' @$$!!!
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: Well you asked for it Barret.
Johnny: Let's see how Stacy is doing in the other ring.
(Other ring. Where else?)
Stacy: Pac-man is out! While he was waiting for the chef to bring more power pellets the ghosts killed him. The remaining three are still going!
Palmer: Uh oh! My heart just stopped!
Stacy: Look's like Palmer's...
Palmer: Ah there it goes! (Continues eating Crisco) Yummy yummy lard!
Stacy: Still in. Back to you Nick and Johnny!
(Back to the announcers' booth)
Johnny: Why do you always get top billing?
Nick: Don't blame me! I didn't write this thing!
Johnny: Forget it, let's go to the next match!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! Goldust!
Goldust: (Wearing tight spandex and women's underwear) Hellooooo!
Mills (Shudders): In the blue corner! Pee-Wee Herman!
Pee-Wee (Wearing his gay-@$$ suit and bow tie): Ha! Ha!
Mills: All right! You're both gay, this should be an interesting match! Let's get it on!
Goldust: You heard him!
Pee-Wee: Ha! Ha!
Goldust/Pee-Wee: (Start to make out)
Mills: Oh god! I should've seen this coming! (Pulls out an automatic shotgun and blows both their heads off)
Goldust/Pee-Wee: (Make gay @$$ poses as they die)
Eddie: I'm not even getting near their bodies!
Mills: Ahem... the winner is, me! Mills Lane! I'll move on before Nick and Johnny can say anything. In the red corner! Interceptor!
Interceptor: (Growls)
Mills: In the blue corner! Odie!
Odie: (Barks and chases his tail)
Mills: A regular dogfight. (More planes crashing) Let's go!
Interceptor: (Rushes Odie)
Odie: (Chases a butterfly and ends up dodging)
Interceptor: (Tries to bite Odie)
Odie: (Runs around and smells the flowers)
Interceptor: (Tries to maul Odie)
Odie: (Licks Interceptor over and over and over and... you get the idea)
Interceptor: (Drowns in the slobber)
Mills: Odie wins!
(In the announcers' booth)
Johnny: That was dumb.
Nick: What do you expect from two two-cent matches?
Johnny: The next one should be better.
Nick: Let's go to it then!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! From Final Fantasy VII, the Ultimate WEAPON!
Ultimate: (Roars)
Mills: In the blue corner! From Final Fantasy VI, the Atma Weapon!
Atma: The time is now...
Mills: I want to see all of your skill! I want to see some kick @$$ explosions! Fight!
Ultimate: (Uses its Ultima Beam)
Atma (Hurt): (Casts Meteor)
Ultimate (Hurt): (Flies away, gets hit by the Highwind, struck by a big meteorite, caught in a tornado, falls onto a beach, gets hit by a tidal wave, and explodes.)
Mills: The Atma Weapon wins!
Atma: Poopy, I wanted to do more to 'im.
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: If the Ultimate WEAPON wasn't such a f***ing coward it would've won easily!
Johnny: Why is it called the "Ultimate" WEAPON anyway? The Ruby and Emerald are far more powerful!
Nick: Forget it. Before the next match let's check on Stacy!
(In the other ring)
Stacy: Nick, nothing's really happened in the last few minutes.
Palmer: Uh oh... (Let's loose a big wet sloppy fart)
Stacy: Oh god! That was a bad one! (Puts on a gas mask)
Palmer: (Gets a whiff of his gas and dies)
Homer: Whoever smelt it dealt it!
Jughead: Shut up and eat!
Stacy: Back to you guys!
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: Time for a decent match!
Johnny: The names have been drawn and the pilots have learned the controls. Let's go!
Nick: Why do I have the feeling we forgot something?
(In the ring)
Mills: Corner one! Piloting the X-Wing, Setzer!
Setzer: Ante up!
Mills: Corner two! Piloting the Big Whale, Wedge Antilles!
Wedge: (Sulks around since he still has no confidence)
Mills: Corner three! Piloting the Blackjack, Fox McCloud!
Fox: All ships report in!
Mills: Corner four! Piloting the Arwing, Cecil Harvey!
Cecil: I will go to the moon...
Mills: Okay, I want to see some completely mutilated vehicles and bodies! GO!
(The four vehicles take off)
Nick: Now I know what we forgot!
Johnny: What?
Nick: The Big Whale and Blackjack don't have weapons!
Johnny: s**t! That means they're dead!
(Speaking of which)
Setzer: (Blows away the Big Whale with a proton torpedo)
Cecil: (Blows away the Blackjack with a smartbomb)
Setzer: Now it's your turn! (Opens fire)
Cecil: I don't think so! (Barrel rolls and deflects the shots)
Setzer: You wimp!
Cecil: (U-turns and blows away the X-Wing)
Mills: Cecil and the Arwing win!
(In the announcers' booth)
Johnny: A lot shorter than I expected, thanks to Nick here.
Nick: Hey! I didn't assign the vehicles!
Johnny: Yeah but at least that proved how crappy X-wings are. Also it's a good thing Cecil won or we'd have one less team for the b***h fights.
Nick: We're gettin' to 'em. Let's move on so we CAN get to 'em!
(In the ring)
Mills: In side one! The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Theme plays)
Leo: All right guys, our training must not fail us.
Raph: Get a grip!
Mike: Hey dude, this'll be a snap!
Don: I've got a new invention that should work.
Other turtles: Yeah, SHOULD work!
Don: So sue me.
Mills: In side two! Yuffie, Edge, Zangan, and Yang!
Yuffie: The materia is mine!
Edge: I've never met anyone more beautiful than you Rydia...
Zangan: Time to put my teachings to use!
Yang: Achoo!!!
Mills: Gesundheit. Let's make this a fair fight! In other words... KILL THE MATERIA THIEVING WHORE!!!
Yuffie: Huh? (Looks around to see the turtles and her teammates converge in and attack) Oh gawd! (Dies)
Leo: Now for the rest of you!
Yang: I don't think so. ACHOO!!!
All: Gesundheit!
Yang: That joke is getting way too old. (Kicks the turtles)
Turtles: (Fall over)
Edge: Did you ever notice they never use their weapons on humans?
Zangan: Yeah.
Raph: Hey we run a kids' show!
Zangan: Impossible, a kid's show has a lot more blood and gore these days. (Picks up Mike by the feet and throws him onto Raph)
Mike: Hey watch it dude!
Edge: (Cutting Don's head off) This is too easy.
Leo: Just remember, we're turtles!
Edge: Oh how wonderful, that means you're water creatures. Blitz!
Zangan: Bolt3!
Yang: (Attacks with thunder claws)
Turtles: (Get electrocuted so much that they explode leaving only their shells behind)
Yang: (Picks up a shell) This will be my trophy!
Edge/Zangan: (Do the same)
Mills: The winners are Edge, Yang, and Zangan!
Shredder: Yes! Now with those wretched reptiles out of the way I can take over the world! (Starts to run out of the stadium)
Edge: I don't think so. (Throws a spear through Shredder's back, piercing his heart)
Shredder: (Dies)
Edge: What a f***in' wimp!
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: No wonder the turtles could never beat Shredder, they were to wimpy to actually kill something. But that turned out shorter than I thought.
Johnny: They usually do when a whole team sucks @$$.
Nick: Time for...
Johnny: A commercial before Cloud an' Cait end our sponsorship!
(Commercials roll)
Dav: Hi, I'm Dav Cole bringing you a remarkable new product. Are you sick and tired of playing through any Final Fantasy so much you have every piece of dialogue memorized? Well it's all over, after a little fun with an Instant Plot Device (Just add water) I came up with Custom Edition Final Fantasy!
Kid: I don't get it.
Dav: Of course you don't you're an idiot. Anyway, in custom Final Fantasy you decide who you take, how they're dressed, and you can even have Cloud actually make out with Aeris!
Cloud: I like this idea.
Dav: Control the story, write the story! Do whatever the hell you want! You have the power! Let's see a demo...
(Scene in Final Fantasy 6 before the Battle of Narshe)
ELDER: But that was only because Doma was collaborating with the Returners!
Locke: That's nonsense! I think you should take that s**t and shove it up BANON's @$$!
Edgar: Locke! You're safe!
Locke: So what! I got me a girlfriend!
Celes: Damn right! (Starts to make with Locke)
Cyan:: Why doest thou do that!
Cid Highwind: (Walks in) Why don't you talk like a man! You $^!#$^@#$^@$#^@#%&%^$&#$!!! (Kicks Cyan in the nuts)
Dav: There's more to it than that but apparently Cloud and Cait are mad at me since I didn't put 'em into the demo.
Announcer: Custom Final Fantasy, only 1000 gil, order yours today.
Dav: Oh, I forgot to mention that it won't be available until the year 2157! (Laughs maniacally)
(Commercial's done)
Nick: (Covering eyes) Is it over?
Johnny: Yes Nick it is.
Nick: Great! Time for a match!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! Cait Sith!
Cait Sith: Come here and I'll tell you your friggin' fortune you stupid cow!
Mills: In the blue corner! That lame @$$ f***ing piece of s**t dinosaur that should go back to hell where he belongs, Barney!
Barney: (Singing) I love you, you love me...
Mills: God! Shut the hell up! Cait, you'd better kill 'im!
Cait Sith: Don't worry. (Puts an HP-MP, Quad. Magic, and Knights of the Round into the HP Shout) ULTIMATE END!!!
(The knights appear and cut up Barney so much the blood/stuffing for brains flies all over the country)
Audience: (Goes absolutely ballistic)
Cait Sith: Thank you! Thank you! (Takes a bow)
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: Only Cait could give such a performance.
Johnny: Yep, that f***kin' @$$hole Barney didn't stand a chance!
Nick: On to the next match!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! From Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Ganon!
Ganon: (Uses to Triforce of Power to become pig-man form)
Mills: In the blue corner! From Star Wars: Masters of Teras Käsi, Thok!
Thok: (Grunts)
Mills: All right pig-men! I want to see something left-over so I can eat tonight! Let's get it on!
Ganon: (Attacks with a slash)
Thok: (Sidesteps)
Ganon: (Thrusts)
Thok: (Sidesteps)
Ganon: (Punches)
Ganon: You f***kin' little wimp! Izzat all you can do?!
Thok: (Speaks in Gammorean)
Translation: No you $^#%&@$^$^*#%@$^*^!$^$%&#%*$%^#%^*#%^&!!!!
Thok: (Hacks into Ganon with his axe, whacks him a few times on the tail, throws him across the ring, uses his cheap ability to grow bigger and shoots flames outta his nose)
Boogerman: Hey! I oughtta try that!
Ganon: (Is cooked alive)
Mills: The cheap lame @$$ hoser Thok wins! And that proves how easy Ganon is to beat!
Thok: (Speaks)
Translation: Pork chops for dinner tonight!
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: Another bad match.
Johnny: Ah that next one should be good. But first...
Nick: Let's check on Stacy with the two remaining food connoisseurs!
Johnny: That's what I was going to say!
Nick: Was not!
Johnny: Was too!
Nick: Was not!
Johnny: Was too!
Nick: Was not!
Johnny: Was too!
(In the other ring)
Stacy: Well guys it looks like both Homer and Jughead are beginning to slow down!
Jughead (Wearing an apron that says "Help! I'm stuffed!"): Only two more for the record... (Face turn green)
Homer (Wearing a Care-Bear bib): More! More!
Chef: (Brings out another tray of donuts)
Cartman: Hey! That was for me you @#%#$&^%)*)#&*$%^#*!%%(#*#$%!!! (Opens a bag of Cheesy Poof)
Homer: (Eats the whole tray of donuts and explodes)
Stacy: The winner is Jughead!
Jughead: Good! Excuse me... (Runs for the bathroom but gets stuck in the door) Ah! s**t! (Pukes all over the floor and bombs in his pants)
(In the announcers' booth)
Johnny: Now that that argument was settled, we'll move on!
Nick: (Is unconscious)
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! John Steel Clayton!
Steel: That's just Steel to you!
Mills: In the blue corner! Iron Mike Tyson!
Mike: I'm fwee! I'm fwee!
Mills: Since there are no rules Mike can do all the ear-biting he wants! Fight!
Steel: (Singing) I'm too sexy for my shirt...
Mike: (Punches Steel)
Steel: You d**k! (Power bombs Mike)
Mike: Ow! (Uppercuts Steel)
Steel: (Falls down)
Mike: (Jumps onto Steel and repeatedly punches his face)
Steel: (Flips Mike over him)
Mike: Time for my secret weapon!
Steel: (Covers his ears)
Mike: (Punches Steel in the nuts)
Steel (High-pitched voice): Ah! s**t! (Kicks Mike in the stomach and pulls his shorts down)
(The bodies of Goldust and Pee-Wee start twitching toward Mike)
Women in audience: Ewwww! (Puke all over Mike)
Mike: (Pulls his shorts up and bites Steel's ear off)
Steel: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!! You $%^#!$&$@^&$%@#$%&*@%^#%^&*#$%^!!! (Kicks Mike in the butt, gives him a wedgie, kicks him down, dances on his neck and face, picks him up by the hair, twists his neck around, and rips his head off)
Mills: Steel wins!
Steel: (Singing) I'm too sexy for my cat...
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick (Conscious): Anybody got a FullCure materia for Steel?
Johnny: Do we care?
Nick/Johnny: No.
Johnny: Fine then, onto the next match!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! From Mortal Kombat, Sub-Zero!
Sub-Zero: Chill!
Mills: In the blue corner! From the Batman series, Mr. Freeze!
Mr. Freeze: I'm bad! I'm cool! I know I'm cool!
Mills: This is the time when all hell will freeze over! Fight!
Sub-Zero: You think you're cool enough for me?
Mr. Freeze: I'm the coolest and don't you forget it! (Shoots a freeze beam)
Sub-Zero: (Dodges) What's wrong? What's with your crappy aim? (Freezes the ground)
Mr. Freeze: Why you little! (Runs toward Sub-Zero and slips on the ice)
Sub-Zero: (Uppercuts Mr. Freeze)
Voice: TOASTY!
Sub-Zero: What the HELL was that!?
Mr. Freeze: (Lands and gets up) All right! I'm so mad I could melt!
Sub-Zero: Then let me cool you off! (Freezes Freeze and shatters him)
Mills: The coolest of the cool! Sub-Zero!
(In the announcers' booth)
Johnny: What's the matter Nick? You cold?
Nick: Nah, that match just wasn't cool enough.
Johnny: You can stop with the "cool" jokes now.
Nick: All right! All right! To the next match then!
(In the ring)
Mills: In side one! Karl Malone and Sammy Sosa!
Karl: I've got a good feeling about this.
Sammy: Yeah. (Swings his bat) I wanna bust a head open!
Mills: In side two! Dennis Rodman and Mark MacGwire!
Dennis (With blue hair today): I will win this time!
Mark: Yeah, I've waited a long time for this!
Mills: You baseball guys had better use those bats for the reason I'm thinking of! Fight!
Dennis: You may've beaten me in wrestling! But this is real!
Karl: Shut the f**k up dips**t! (Knocks Dennis over)
Dennis: Ow! I just swallowed my tongue ring! (Gets up)
Karl: (Throws Dennis into the wall and repeatedly slams his head into it)
Dennis: (Bleeding through his skull and putting cool purple streaks in his hair) Hey! I should use this more often! (Collapses)
Karl: (Pulls Dennis up by his hair but accidentally pulls it off revealing a wig)
Dennis: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Karl: I f***in' knew it! (Jumps onto Rodman's face, impaling it and breaking his nose)
Dennis: Ah! I just inhaled by nose ring!
Karl: (Kicks Dennis onto his stomach and repeatedly jumps onto his back and head breaking his backbone and skull)
Dennis (Brains leaking out): My worst secret revealed... (Dies)
(Meanwhile Mark and Sammy are fighting like swordsmen with their bats)
Mark: Only a loser could not beat me in the race! (Swings)
Sammy: (Blocks) How come I don't get credit for at least beating the record? (Thrusts)
Mark: (Sidesteps) 'Cause I got the higher number and only an @$$hole would beat the first record and lose in the same season!
Sammy: You little d**k! (Whacks Mark in the ribs)
Mark (Unfazed): You call that a swing? (Brings his bat up between Sammy's legs)
Sammy: (Falls onto his knees holding his nuts)
Mark: (Swings and hits Sammy's head so hard that it flies off and outta the stadium)
Mills: Chalk up another home run for Mark MacGwire!
Mark: Now it's your turn! (Swings a Karl's feet)
Karl: (Jumps over the bat and kicks Mark in the face, knocking him down)
Mark: (Is unconscious)
Karl: (Jumps higher than a dragoon and lands on Mark's stomach)
Mark: (Loses his breakfast, lunch, and assorted internal organs)
Audience: (Pukes all over Mark)
Mark: (Dies)
Mills: The winner is Karl "Killer" Malone!
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: Best match we've had in quite a while!
Johnny: That's right Nick, and we've been going on for the longest time ever with these matches!
Nick: And there's still more to come!
Johnny: Let's move on!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! From Final Fantasy IV, Valvalis, the fiend of air!
Valvalis: (Rides in on a tornado) I have arrived!
Perverts in audience: (STARE!)
Steve: Ohhhhh yeah babyyyyy!!!!
Mills: In the blue corner! From Looney Toons, the Tazmanian Devil!
Taz: (Spins in) Rraroodaropgjwroighowrigppth!!
Mills: I want to see some heads spin! I want so much spinning it'll make us all dizzy! I want to sleep with Valvalis! Fight!
Taz: (Starts spinning)
Valvalis: (Starts spinning)
(A message appears above Valvalis that says "Must stop her spin! Kain, jump!")
Valvalis: (Casts Lit2)
Taz: (Spins out of the way)
Valvalis: (Summons a tornado)
Taz: (Gets thrown into the air and lands on Valvalis)
Valvalis: (Stops spinning and gets knocked unconscious)
Taz: Rraoreihowrigjrigj LUNCH!!! (Quickly sets up a rotisserie and ties Valvalis to the spit and starts to cook her.)
Valvalis: (Wakes up feeling a little hot) NO! (Summons a rain cloud and puts the fire out)
Taz: Why for you do that? Now Taz must eat his lunch raw! (Spins onto Valvalis and completely rips her apart)
Valvalis: (Blood and body parts are scattered throughout the stadium)
Mills: Taz wins!
Taz: Rraoroeitjrgihwroghiaoirgrgjippth!!!
Perverts in audience: NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!! (Do the Cloud Strife Freakout)
Cait Sith: Congratulations Cloud! It's national trend now!
Cloud: Hey! I want royalties! Give me royalties!
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: One of the bloodiest matches we've ever had!
Johnny: Though it wasn't as disgusting as the next one'll be.
Nick: Let's just do it so the Cids can fight!
(In the ring)
Mills: In the red corner! From Clayfighter 63 1/3, Boogerman!
Boogerman: (Falls in on a toilet) Help me! To the rescue!
Mills: In the blue corner! From FF7 Roadtrip, Evector!
Evector: (Rides in on a gas cloud) By the power of my magic mushrooms! I am Evector!
Mills: (Puts on raingear) I want a really snotty battle! Let's go!
Boogerman: Taste it! (Spits a booger at Evector)
Evector (Unhurt): You trying to hurt me, dips**t?! (Lets loose a blast from his sphincter cannon)
Boogerman: Ah! That felt good! Pick it! (Taunts Evector by picking his nose)
Evector: Damn! I actually have to fight up close! (Does a fart-propelled jump and kicks Boogerman)
Boogerman: Hurt! (Recovers) Fart Slide! (Knocks Evector across the ring) You can almost taste it!
Evector: (Gets up) I fart in your general direction!
Boogerman: I blow my nose at you!
Evector: What kind of f***ing line was that?!
Boogerman: Your mama!
Evector: Don't you insult my mama! ULTIMA FART!!! (Blows Boogerman away)
Mills (Covered in fart crud): Evector wins! (Pulls out an Instant Plot Device (we all know what to do with 'em by now) and uses it to clean himself up)
Evector: Gya ha ha! That's exactly how I destroyed the Gongaga reactor!
Dav: (Jumps into the ring) So it was you!!!! (Whips out the Atma Weapon and cuts Evector into several pieces)
Mills: Change that! The winner is Dav Cole!
Dav: I have avenged you...
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: That was purely disgusting.
Johnny: Yeah, a few people turned as green as their hair.
Nick: That was a nice performance by Dav though. Let's go to the next match!
Johnny: With all the people getting Cid Highwind mad it'll be no surprise if his Limit bar's full.
(In the ring)
Mills: Contestant one, Cid Highwind!
Cid7: Hell yeah! (Opens a can of hash)
Mills: Contestant 2! Cid from FF6!
Cid6: My raincoat is more fashionable than those cigarettes!
Mills: Contest 3! Cid from FF5!
Cid5: I'm out of my special gunpowder, I can't fight.
Mills: Contestant 4! Cid of Baron!
Cid4: I'll avenge you!
Mills: Contestant 5! Cid from FF3!
Cid3: You'll find my airship two seconds after starting the game.
Mills: Contestant 6! Cid from FF2!
Cid2: Is my airship really only a piece of s**t?
Mills: This will definitely prove once and for all who is the best Cid! Fight!
Cid7: HIGHWIND!!!
Highwind: (Stops above the stadium and launches so many missiles that all of the other Cids blow up and scatter everywhere!)
Mills (Behind a wall of sandbags wearing an army helmet): Cid Highwind wins! Duh...
(In the announcers' booth)
Johnny: Very short but very sweet!
Nick: I'll say! I don't think there's any part of the stadium that isn't covered with blood!
Johnny: We'll go to our last match right after this final commercial!
(Commercials roll)
Link: Link here, have you ever bought a sword that breaks after three swings? I did when I bought that f***ing Giant's Knife.
Some people: (Laugh at him)
Link: So after I whipped Ganon's @$$ Biggoron and I came up with our own sword company.
Biggoron: Thhhhhhhat's rrrriiiiight Liiiink. Wwweee openned Swwworrrds R Us.
Link: All you have to do at Swords R Us is go through a worthless piece of s**t trading game and you'll get a free sword.
Cloud: Who gave you this commercial slot!
Cait Sith: I did so I could laugh at him.
Cloud: Okay, fine by me.
Cloud/Cait: (Throw tomatoes at Link and Biggoron)
Announcer: Swords R Us, part of the Hyrule Better Business Bureau.
(Commercial's done)
Nick: Now that that's over, time for more death!
(In the ring)
Mills: Each group will fight one at a time over who they're fighting for! Group 1! Fighting for Cloud Strife, Tifa Lockheart and Aeris Gainsborough!
Tifa: He's mine!
Aeris: He's MINE!!!
Mills: Group 2! Fighting over that stupid geeky son of a b***h Archie Andrews, Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge!
Betty: Let's make this a fair fight.
Veronica: Shut up! I can easily buy this arena and have you thrown out!
Archie: (Asking every girl in the stadium but Betty and Veronica out for a date)
Mills: Group 3! Fighting over Crono, Marle and Lucca!
Marle: I'm going to win him, we haven't had sex yet!
Lucca: Shut up Nadia! I'm his best friend!
Mills: Group 4! Fighting over Locke Cole, Terra Branford and Celes Chere!
Terra: I knew I shouldn't have fallen in love with him.
Celes: Something was going to happen because of him, and I was right.
Mills: Group 5! Fighting over Maxim, Tia and Selan!
Tia: I must win him back.
Selan: Hey crybaby! I'm his wife!
Mills: Group 6! Fighting over Link, Malon and Zelda!
Malon: (Just stands there singing Epona's Song)
Zelda: (Just stands there humming Zelda's Lullaby)
Mills: Group 7! Fighting over Cecil, Rosa and Rydia!
Rosa: Cecil did wonderfully in his match.
Rydia: I'll take him over Edge any day.
Mills: I want to see some real blood! I want to see some peace for the guys! Most of all, I want to you all NAKED! Let's get it on! Tifa and Aeris are first!
Tifa: I'm going to win this time!
Aeris: Yeah right.
Tifa: HO! (Bitch slaps Aeris)
Aeris: HO! (Bitch slaps Tifa)
Tifa: I'm sick of this wimpy s**t! (Unleashes her new Limit Break) FINAL B***H SLAP!!! (Slaps Aeris' head off)
Mills: Tifa wins! (Score: Tifa-2, Aeris-3) Next up are Betty and Veronica!
Betty: Archie's mine and I'm going to win him.
Veronica: I'll give you $5 millions to drop out! (Opens a suitcase full of money)
Mills: I'll take it!
Veronica: You stay out of this!
Betty: (Sets the money on fire)
Veronica: Ah! You b***h! I have to pay for that out of my allowance! (Charges Betty)
Betty: (Trip Veronica)
Veronica: (Lands) No! I broke a nail, you messed up my hair, and got me all dirty! (Rushes Betty again)
Betty: (Sidesteps and pulls Veronica's hair)
Veronica: (Screams incredibly loud and for so long her head explodes)
Betty: I think I've gone deaf.
Mills: (Removes earplugs) Betty wins! Next up are Marle and Lucca!
Lucca: You can't win princess, you're a crappy fighter.
Marle: Hey, Crono never fell for you though!
Lucca: At least I don't wear that slutty toga. (Shoots her with the Wondershot causing only 2 damage)
Marle: Some "Wonder"shot! (Shoots an arrow between Lucca's eyes, killing her)
Mills: Marle gets Crono! Terra and Celes are next!
Terra: This shouldn't be too hard. (Casts Ultima but nothing happens)
Celes: Have you forgotten that magic no longer exists?! (Cuts her in two with the Excalibur)
Mills: Too easy for Celes! The fight for Maxim is next!
Tia: Why did you take him from me?
Selan: You walked out on him!
Tia: D'oh that's right... But I'm taking him back! (Whips Selan)
Selan: (Unhurt) You're no Richter Belmont you know.
Tia: What does that have to do with him?!
Selan: He's a real man unlike Maxim!
Richter: (Jumps into ring) I heard that. Want to come with me?
Selan: Sure! (Runs out with Richter)
Maxim: Grr...
Mills: (Scratches head) I guess Tia gets Maxim. Malon and Zelda are up!
Malon: Whoever said I wanted to fight, I just want to sing.
Zelda: Well I'll send you to hell and they'll give you an accordion! (Blasts her with some magic)
Malon: Hey! You b***h! (Sings Epona's Song)
Epona: (Runs in again and tramples Zelda to death)
Mills: Malon gets Link!
Malon: I don't want him, I just want to sing!
Prince Herbert from Monty Python and the Holy Grail: (Runs in) At last, somebody I can relate to!
His father: (Runs in) Oh no you don't!
Herbert: But mother...
His father: Father, I'm father.
Herbert: Why don't you just shut the f**k up! (Shoots him in the heart with an arrow)
Malon: All right! Let's get out of here. (She and Herbert ride off on Epona)
Link: (Runs after 'em) Give me back my horse!
Mills: That'll be settled. Last up are Rosa and Rydia!
Rydia: I'm going to make this quick and painful! (Starts to summon Bahamut)
Rosa: (Quickly casts Wall)
Bahamut: (Appears, casts Megaflare, and quickly disappears)
Rosa: (Wall reflects the spell and blows Rydia away)
Mills: It's all over! (A note is handed to him) Wait! A late entry! Fighting over Princess Toadstool, Mario and Luigi!
Mario: Hey! We're'a brothers, why'a do we'a fight'a!
Luigi: Because we're'a brothers!
Mario: Oh, you'a right! (Jumps toward Luigi)
Luigi: (Holds up a spear and shoves it up Mario's @$$ when he comes down)
Mario: Oh no! My @$$'a! It'a hurts!
Luigi: I'a also'a stole your'a pasta!
Mario: Why you'a stupid'a cow'a! (Charges Luigi)
Luigi: (Bashes Mario's a'head in with a hammer)
Mario: (A'dies)
Mills: Okay! Final standings! Tifa gets Cloud!
Cloud: I don't think so! (Pulls out an Instant Plot Device and switched Tifa with Aeris)
Mills: Betty gets Archie!
Archie: (Still trying to get dates)
Betty: Archie! I'm right here! I won!
Mills: Crono was won my Marle!
Marle: (Tries to get Crono sexually aroused by pointing at her breasts)
Author's Note: (There's actually a picture made by Square where she's doing that, but I've only seen it in the Players' Guide produced by Nintendo)
Mills: Celes opened a can of whup @$$ to win Locke!
Locke: Damn! Just my luck!
Mills: Tia won Maxim since Selan ran off with Richter!
Maxim: Maximum suckage! This puts me at the same level as Ramza!
Mills: Link gets no one since Zelda died and Malon stole his horse!
Rosa easily blew Rydia away to win Cecil! And Luigi killed Mario for the princess.
Luigi: Who'a said I wanted a' the princess! I wanted more'a pasta and he'a ate it all!
Bowser: All right! (Grabs the princess and runs off)
(In the announcers' booth)
Nick: All right! They were all short but most of the love-triangle fights were kick @$$!
Johnny: Too bad we can't say the same thing about some of the rest of the matches.
Nick: Speaking of which, let's recap.
Johnny: Sasuke made the mistake of drinking Cid's tea. Link utterly crushed Alundra. Magus had no trouble against Death. Butz killed Prettz but died himself afterwards. Vader obliterated Shao Khan but then lost to Gau (Whimper).
Nick: Take it easy Johnny.
Johnny: I'm all right. Richter won by selling Sonia off to Marion Barry. Jughead out-ate everyone else. Sabin killed Edgar after he won the match. Cloud and Dav had to do almost nothing since Ramza and Delita killed themselves. Barret blew X away. Mills shot Goldust and Pee-Wee's heads off. Odie drowned Interceptor in his drool. The "Ultimate" WEAPON ran away and died in a series of accidents. Cecil in the Arwing blew away Setzer in the X-Wing. Edge, Zangan, and Yang shocked the turtles to death. Cait Sith obliterated Barney. Thok cooked Ganon alive. Steel decapitated Tyson. Sub-Zero shattered the frozen Mr. Freeze. Karl Malone literally emptied Mark's insides. Valvalis became Taz's lunch. Evector blew Boogerman away with a fart. Cid Highwind blew away all the other Cids. And Mills just gave us the standings on the love triangles.
Mills: Does that mean I get a raise?
Johnny: Sorry no.
Mills: Damn!
Nick: We had a great afternoon! Eddie's going to be busy for weeks cleaning up all the blood!
Johnny: Not enough commercials though...
Nick: (Bashes Johnny's head in with a chair) Screw what you think! I'm Nick Diamond, saying good fight, good night!
More great fanfics!