Final Fantasies
By Rude

Authors note: This fic may come in many parts, it could kind of have chapters like a serious fic. But that all depends on if you (the readers) like it enough for that. I sincerely hope you do. Enjoy!

Mike: (Drives up to a house in a suburb in his beat up old hot rod) Jeez, why do I have to come here? Just because I run over the damn kids cat… (Walks up to the door and rings the doorbell. A woman walks over and answers it)
Woman: Well, it's about damn time Mike. Where have you been?
Mike: Sorry Sherry, my car broke down on me again.
Sherry: Well, why don't you sell the piece of crap?
Mike: Hey! That's MY car you're talking about there! If you haven't noticed it's a classic!
Sherry: Yeah, a classic piece of crap.
Mike: (grumbles) Well, where's the kid?
Sherry: His name is Greg and remember you ran over HIS cat!
Mike: (under his breath) The way that furball ran into the street like that it deserved it.
Sherry: What was that?
Mike: Uhh, nothin!
Sherry: This way. (Leads him down a hallway to the kids bedroom)
Mike: What am I supposed to do here? Watch him sleep?
Sherry: You'll figure it out. Catch! (Throws him a book)
Mike: (Reading the cover) The Best of Grimms Fairy Tales… I have to read him bedtime stories?!
Sherry: That's the plan genius. Now get crackin!
Mike: Sigh… (Sits down and looks over at the kid) Hey, half pint's alseep, makes my job a lot easier. (Leans back in his chair and pulls a Playboy out of his jacket) Ohhhhh, you're NAUGHTY! Heh…
Greg: Hey, what's that?
Mike: AHHHH! (Falls off his chair)
Sherry: (Runs in) What happened?!
Mike: (Hides the Playboy) Uhhm, a spider! Yeah, a REALLY big spider! That's it…
Sherry: Oh, you big wuss. Just start reading those stories!
Greg: Oh, man…
Mike: What?
Greg: I'm sick of those dumb stories. Also, you're a really bad liar.
Mike: So sue me.
Rude: Not really!
Greg: What was that?
Mike: Uhh, just a mosquio. That needs to be squished…
Rude: Grrr…
Greg: Yeah, a talking mosquito. You're the worst liar I've ever seen.
Mike: Whatever. So you hate those stories eh?
Greg: Yeah, I've heard em all about a million times
Mike: Well, kid, I've got a little surprise for you. (Pulls out a nearly identical book, except for dragons and knights on the cover, there's a guy with spikey hair fighting a guy in a really bad dragon suit)
Authors Note: If you don't know what that's from you need to go play FF7 again punk!
Greg: Where'd you get that?
Mike: Let's just say a little mosquito gave it to me.
Greg: Right…
Mike: Okay… (starts flipping through the pages) Yadda, yadda, yadda… Ah! Here it is! The story of Renolocks and the three Turks… (a cheesy phase out special effect happens)

Renolocks: Tra la la la la la, I'm skipping though the forest! Hey, what the hell? My name is RENO, not Renolocks!
Rude: I'll call you whatever I want to call you!
Reno: Not if I use this!
Rude: NO! Anything but that!
Reno: That's right! A BEANIE BABY! Mwahahahahahahaha…

Greg: Ahhh! He didn't use an actual Beanie Baby did he?
Mike: Fortunately for the mosquito he didn't. It was one of those cheap rip-offs.
Greg: Oh.
Mike: Anyways…

Reno: Now that that's all cleared up, let's get going!
Meanwhile in some woods somewhere…
Rude (the actual Rude): I'm hungry! I gotta pee! I wanna go home!
Tseng: (Smacks Rude upside the head) Shaddup! We're not going home until that porridge of ours cools down.
Elena: Why do we even eat porridge anyways? It tastes like crap!
Tseng: That's cause it's YOUR terrible cooking Elena!
Elena: Oh, Tseng, when you talk that...
Tseng: Sigh... (Shakes his head)
Rude: (Starts to cry) I'm hungryyyyyyyyyyyy!
Tseng: Shaddup! We'll go home after I've had my weed... Uhhh, I mean, when I'm good and ready!
Meanwhile...
Reno: (Looking in a mirror) I'm just soooooo good looking! (Girls come out of nowhere and start flocking around him)
Reno: Yeah, baby!
Gary: (The stupid little weirdo from Pokemon) Hey, those are my girls!
Reno: And just who the hell are you!
Gary: I'm Gary! The greatest...
Reno: Gravy?
Gary: No! Not gravy, my name is...
Reno: Gravy?! What kind of stupid kid has the name Gravy? What were your parents smoking when they came up with that?
Gary: Well actually my mom was smoking... Hey, shut up! That's none of your business!
Reno: (Starts laughing hysterically) Ha, ha! Gravy's a crackbaby! Gravy's a crackbaby!
Gary: My name is Gary you stupid piece of crap! (Runs up and starts kicking Reno in the shin)
Reno: Man, even for gravy you're weak! (Picks up Gary and throws him) Now that's the end of that! (Walks off)
Gary: Ugh...

Meanwhile..................... (gasp) .....................
(In the Turksmobile)
Elena: 100 bottles of beer on the wall! 100 bottles of...
Tseng: Will you stop with that stupid song?!
Elena: Oh, Tseng…
Tseng: Grrrr…
Rude: Are we almost home yet? I'm hungryyyyyyyyy!
Tseng: NO! We are not almost home yet you stupid little jerk! Just SHUT UP!
Rude: (Sniffle) Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Mommy, he said mwean tings to me. (Starts bawling)
Tseng: (Tries to pull his hair out)

Mike: Heh, if he keeps that up, Tsengs going to be a spokesperson for Rogaine.
Greg: Hey, I want to hear what happened.
Mike: Alright, alright, just keep your pants on…

Elena: Now, Tseng! You know that Rude hasn't been well lately.
Rude: Say WHAT?
Elena: You remember all those guys in white coats? Well, in a few days you're going to be spending a long…
Tseng: Looooooooooong…
Elena: Time with them.
Rude: Will they give me the nice purple pills that bring night-night land?
Elena: Yes, Rude you'll be spending a lot of time in night-night land.
Rude: Yay!
Tseng: Let's just get going home…

Greg: Uhh, may I ask, what the hell was that?
Mike: Good question, I don't remember that being in the script.
Greg: Script?
Mike: I'll tell ya when you're older…

So, back in Sherwood forest. (Or wherever the hell this is.)

Reno (walking with his girls): Hey look at that, a cottage! (Grins at the girls) Fun time!
Girls: (Giggle)
And so they go into the cottage. We can't continue with this part, or mobs of angry parents will rush me and vie for my bones.

Back to the Dorks, I mean Turks…
Rude: I gotta go pawteeee!!
Tseng: (Bashes his head on the steering wheel)
Elena: Oh, Tseng…
Tseng: (Swerves the Turksmobile and runs over a passing chiuaua.)
Chiuaua: You quero hospital… (dies)
Tseng: Yes! Score one for the Tseng man! (Raises his arms into the air causing the Turksmobile to veer off the road and crash into a ditch.)
Rude: Oweeeeee! I bwoked my bottom!
Tseng: (Grumbles)
Elena: Oh… Tseng… (Passes out)
Tseng: (Grumbles some more and drags the both of em out of the van, sticking his thumb out like a hitch hiker.)

I'm a little teapot, short and stout….

Reno: (Is panting) Never don't THAT before!
Girls: (Are spread out in various places across the room, also panting.)
Gary: (Suddenly bursts into the room.) Hey, what the hell did you do to my girls?!
Reno: Gave em a better time than you ever could, GRAVY!
Gary: Yeah, wanna bet???
Reno: Sure, I'd be glad to take something else away from you.
Gary: I challenge you to a pokemon match!
Reno: What the hell? You actually play with those stupid things?! I got a much better idea…

…this is my handle, this is my spout.

Tseng: Doesn't ANYONE come by this street?!
Elena: (In her sleep.) Oh, Reno….
Tseng: RENO?! What the hell? Well, at least she isn't annoying me any more.
(Suddenly a very familiar looking ship passes over.)

Selphie: Look at me! I'm flying the Ragnarok, even though this technology is WAY beyond my understanding!
Zell: Ya got that right!
Selphie: Hey look! Let's pick up those hitchhikers!
Rinoa: Hitchhikers? Squall, save me! (Yes, I know it's been done before, but I'll do what I wants to dang nabbit!)

Tseng: (Sees the Ragnarok.) Thank god. I'd hate to have to be around when Rude wakes up.

Selphie: Going in for a crash landing!
Quistis: Crash lan… No, Selphie wait!

Tseng: Is the pilot of that ship drunk or something? (Sees it's headed right for him.) Holy shoemakers!

Quistis: Selphie you ditz! (Takes the controls and tries to right the ship.)

Tseng: Ahhh! (Stands there as the ship hits the ground and stops right in front of him. Quite a bit like in Men in Black.)

Irvine: (Steps out of the ship.) Hey, are you guys all right?
Tseng: Yeah, I am, but these two need to get to the hospital.
Irvine: Well hop on in! We got the best pilot this side of Deling city!
Tseng: I see…
How does the rest of that song go?

(Reno and Gary are walking down a path.)

Gary: So what the hell is this great idea of yours?
Reno: You'll see.
Gary: Starts humming the Pokemon theme.
Reno: Don't hum that idiotic tune, ass!
Gary: I thought my name was Gravy?
Reno: Then it's Assgravy!
Gary: Take that back!
Reno: No way, Assgravy!
Gary: (Jumps on Reno and tries to beat the crap out of him, with no success.)
Reno: That's it! You're getting the beating of a lifetime!
Gary: Oh yeah?
Reno: Yeah!
Gary: Oh yeah?
Reno: Yeah!
Gary: Oh yeah?
And the rest is history…

Ich ben ein Berliner (Doesn't that mean, "I am a donut?")

Quistis: So what happened to you guys?
Tseng: Well, I hit a chiuaua and it just went from there.
Selphie: Look! I'm flying!
Squall: (Sighs) Yes, Selphie, we're all very proud of you.
Tseng: (Thinking) Her and Rude would get along nicely.
Elena: (Walks in) I had the strangest dream.
Tseng: Yeah, I noticed.
Rude: I like Chineeeese! They only come up to your kneeeees!
Selphie: I like Chinese fooood! The waiters are never ruuuuude!
Rude: Did someone say my name?
Tseng: (Makes a fist)
Elena: Now now Tseng. It's nice for Rude to have some friends.
Rude: Soo desu ne!
Everyone: (Stares at Rude)
Rude: Uhh! I like popsicles!
Tseng: Never mind about the hospital, I guess these two's hard heads came in handy.
Irvine: Warp nine Selphie!
Selphie: Ay ay! Captain Ahab!
So Selphie somehow takes off and we go back to Reno and Assgravy.

Doh!

Reno: (Has Gary in a headlock) Say it! Say uncle!
Gary: Your mama!
Reno: (Tightens his grip) What was that?!
Barret/Cid/Aeris/RedXIII/Tifa/Cait Sith/Cloud/Yuffie: (Come out of nowhere) We haven't gotten any lines so we're picketing!
Authors Note: I hadn't realized how few people I'd used until I wrote that!

Greg: Huh?
Mike: Apparently they have a union now. I'd better get in there and break this up.
Greg: What are you talking about?!
Mike: I'll be right back. (Leaves)
Greg: That is one weird SOB.
Authors note: You're still reading this thing? Wow! I'm amazed!

Back in the wonderful land of wherever the hell it is.

Picketers: Hell no! We want dough! Hell no! We want dough!
Reno: What the bloody hell? (Loosens his grip)
Gary: (Breaks free) I'm free! Free! I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too! (Runs off)
Reno: Hah! Jokes on you! My dog is medium sized!
Mike: (Walks in) Alright. Alright. Break it up folks.
Picketers: Hell no! We won't go! Hell no! We want dough!
Mike: You could have at least made up a new slogan! Not just a cheesy rip-off from the hippie era!
Cait Sith: (Steps forward) As the representative for this group. I must say that the writing in this fic is poorly done and does not include my associates here. (Points to the group)
Mike: Tons of other authors use you! What the hell do you want from this particular fic?!
Cait Sith: Yes, well, we've gotten greedy and bloodthirsty from all the attention we've gotten.
Mike: Look, it says right in your contract that you can only enter when the script says so!
Cait Sith: Yes, well, we've found a loophole. It says right here. (Pulls out a brown sheet of paper.) "There may be a choking hazard here.. We recommend you do not serve this food to anyone under the age of 30, or with eating disorders."
Mike: That's off the side of a McDonald's bag you idiot!
Authors note: On the off chance that some complete idiot actually believed that. To keep from getting sued I would like to say none of that is written on any McDonald's bag anywhere. Thank you. And have a nice day.
Cait Sith: Anyways as a representative…
Mike: As your AGENT…
Reno: Hey! You're their agent?
Mike: How else do you think I can afford to keep them coming into these fics? It can't be the writing!
Reno: Hey! You said everyone was doing this for charity work!
Cid: And you believed that?!
Reno: Well, yeah…
Everyone: (Laughs their asses off)
Reno: Fine! I'll just go pick on Assgravy! (Runs away crying)
Cait Sith: We demand reparation in the amount of 1 million gil apiece!
Tifa: We know you have the money! We checked you accounts! You've made tons of money off of selling our names!
Mike: Oh yeah! And how exactly are you going to make me pay, huh?!
Cloud: We have an army of lawyers! (20 lawyers dressed in Armane come out of nowhere)
Mike: (Screams) AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
RedXIII: What do you have to say now? Huh punk?
Mike: Well, I guess… (Sees a glimmer off in the distance.) …I'll give you the lines!
Aeris: All right! (Jumps up, but then falls down when she slips on the grass)
Mike: Okay, now everyone stand right here. (Points to the middle of a nearby field.
Everyone(Including the lawyers): (Walk out to the field.)
Mike: Now, I need to contact Rude(Me the author). (Dials the number on his cell phone)Hi man. You know about our little problem? (Murmurs on the other end) You thinking what I'm thinking? (More murmurs) Alright then. See ya. (Hangs up)
Cid: So?
Mike: So you should stop watching the Dukes ya tea drinking ass!
Barret: That's telling him!

Great galloping geese! (Do geese gallop?)

On board the Ragnarok…
Sephie: Flyyyy like an eagle! Eagle!
Irvine: Hey now! You're a porn star! Get your clothes off! Get laid!
Quistis: (Groans)
Rude: I'm a little teapot… how does that go?
Tseng: (Groans)
Quistis: It's a sucky life ain't it?
Tseng: Yeah, just look at THOSE two.
Elena: Oh, Tseng!
Rinoa: Save me Squall!
Tseng/Quistis/Squall: (Groan)
Selphie: Ahh! The ship's going down! And I'm not doing it for once!
Squall/Quisits: What a surprise!

All annoying things must come to an end.
Mike: Alright 5… 4… 3… 2… RUN! (Runs like hell).
Cid: What the…? (Sees the Ragnarok headed for them.) Oh, S**T!! RUN!!
Red: Ahhh! (Starts farting uncontrollably)
Cloud: (Runs around in circles) Oh dear! Oh dear!
Tifa: (To her boobs) Well implants, it's been a nice life.
Aeris: I knew it!
Barret: Scramble! (Everyone runs except for…)
Yuffie: (Counting her materia) 27…28… what comes after 28? (Sees the Ragnarok) I regret nothing….
Ragnarok: Lands right on top of Yuffie leaving a long red streak in the grass.
Author's note: Yucky!

And so it ends.

On the Ragnarok.
Zell: (Running around) Save the hot dogs! Must save the hot dogs!
Ramza: (Appears out of nowhere) Hot dogs! You shall not disgrace my family!
Tseng: Shut the F**K up you stupid whore! (Boots him right out the front windows causing Ramza to be crushed)
Elena: Oh, Tseng! You're so brave!
Rude: Mommy! I'm scared! Too scared even to tinkle in my pants!
Elena: That's all right. It'll come. It'll come.

Near an ocean cliff
Gary: I'll get the stupid Reno back. I'll do, ummm. Man! Why do I have to be so dumb?
Ragnarok: (Comes crashing through the trees right at Gary)
Gary: I've wasted my life. (Is flattened by the Ragnarok)
Selphie: We're approaching, Big word!, a cliff! Squall save me!
Rinoa: Hey! That's my line!
(Can't believe that's the first time that's been said in this fic)
Tseng: Well, it's been fun all.
Ragnarok: Goes careening off the cliff and crashes into the shore causing a really kickass explosion)
Mike: Well, that takes care of that. (Walks away)

The not so grand finale.

Sherry: Better check up on Mike. That ass is probably teaching Greg how to smoke. (Walks in to Greg's room.)
Greg: Is fast asleep.
Sherry: Aww, ain't that cute. But where's Mike?
(A toilet flushes and Mike walks in)
Mike: Heh, looks like my job's done.
Sherry: Yeah, seems… Hey! Is that a Playboy?!
Mike: Oh, s**t! (Grabs the fairy tale book and runs)
Sherry: MIKE!!!
Mike: (Is already in his car) Start damn you! START!!!!
Sherry: (Comes out of the front door screaming bloody murder)
Mike: Ahhh! (His car starts up and he peels out)

~Fin~

McDonald's is property of the McDonald's corporation. Pokemon is the property of 4 Kids Entertainment. All Final Fantasy 7, Final Fantasy 8, and Final Fantasy Tactics characters are the property of Square. Mike is the property of me. We are waved responsibility from any head trauma you may have experience while reading this fic. All rights reserved. Contact your local fortune teller if you want to know why in the hell you are still reading this.

Epilogue:

Mike: (At his house. Yes, he has a house!) Well, that was just plain weird.
Phone: (Rings)
Mike: (Picks it up) Moshi Moshi. (Rough Trans. Hello.)
Sherry: Mike….
Mike: (Pulls at his collar.) Uhh, hi Sher! How are ya?
Sherry: You'd better come back and make up for that little escapade of yours.
Mike: Alright… (Hangs up) Why is it always me?