THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS-FF7 STYLE
OR:
A VISIT FROM SHINRA CLAUS
(with profuse apologies to Clement C. Moore)
By Kebinu
All FF7 characters are copyrighted by Squaresoft. No infringement is intended.

Cloud: Do I really have to read this stupid story?
Author's note: Do you want the money or not?
Cloud: (opens book) Ahem. "Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."
Cait Sith: Thanks to me!!!!
Cloud: SHUT UP, CAT! Ahem. "The stockings were hung by the mantle with care…" AAAUGHH!!!! (grabs his head and does the Cloud Strife Freakout™) "in hopes that Sephiroth soon would be there."
All: WHAT?
Cid: Who the hell wants to see Sephiroth?
Barret: He's gettin' possessed again.
All: Oh.
Cloud: (Shrugs) "The ninja was nestled all snug in her bed, while visions of materia danced through her head."
Yuffie: (Snoring) Zzzz… noooo… it's all mine! Give it back, dammit… do you have any idea how long it took for me to master that Knights of the Round?
Cloud: *Sweatdrop*
Cid: (grabs book) Lemme show you how a real man reads! "And Shera in her #$^$#&$ kerchief, and I in my &^%*$%^$ cap, had just settled down for a @#&(@^#&*^@(& *^*&^ @$(*&^ long winter's nap… when out on the lawn, there arose such a #$(&^@# clatter, I sprang from my @#%%^%*%^ bed to see what was the @#$%@#$#ing matter!"
Aeris: IT WAS ME AND CLOUD GETTING IT ON OUTSIDE!!!!!!
Tifa: WHAT?! YOU LITTLE SKANK!!!!!!
Aeris: JEALOUS WATER-TIT WHORE!!!!!
Cloud: *Sweatdrop*
Tifa: HO!!! (b***h-slaps Aeris)
Aeris: HO!!! (b***h-slaps Tifa)
Tifa: THAT'S IT!!! (jumps at Aeris and they start catfighting)
Cid: "Away to the window I flew like the Flash, sat back to watch and opened a can of hash!"
Vincent: He likes to watch.
Cid: *Sweatdrop*
Aeris: AAAAAAAAH! You pervert! (pukes on Red XIII)
Red XIII: Dammit!!!!!
Cloud: Anyway, "the moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow-"
Cait Sith: Hee hee. You said "breast."
All: SHUT UP, CAT!!!!!!
Cloud: Ahem. "The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow accentuated the curves of Miss Gainsborough…"
Aeris: HELL YEAH!!!!!!
Tifa: Why you little…! (b***h-slaps Aeris)
Cid: "When what to my #$&@ eyes should appear but a @#$%$#@ miniature sleigh, pulled by Turks drunk on beer!!!!"
Reno: (belches)
Elena: I can't believe you! This is a children's story!
Reno: Shut up, Elena. You're making me sober.
Elena: No, I won't shut up! Rude, tell Reno he's being a jerk!!!
Rude: …
Elena: Fine, I'll do it. Reno, you're a jerk!!!!!
Tseng: Shut up and pull the damn sleigh.
Elena: Yes, Mr. Tseng.
Rufus: "On, Elena! On, Tseng! On, Rude! On, Reno! If you don't move your @$$es, I'll blow off your wien-os!!!!!" (fires his shotgun over their heads)
Reno/Rude/Tseng: YIPES!!!!!!!!!! (run like hell)
Elena: Hey! Slow down!
Reno/Rude/Tseng: Make up your damn mind!!!!!
Cloud: "So up to the rooftop his drunkards they flew, with the sleigh full of toys and Shinra Claus too."
Aeris: I wonder if we should have told them that this is an A-frame house.
(Several bumping sounds are heard on the roof, then Reno whizzes by the window and splats in the snow.)
Reno: Oooh… watch that first step. It's a doozy.
(There are some more bumping sounds, then Rufus drops down the chimney with a big-@$$ sack.)
Author's note: Can you spot the disgusting double entendre in that sentence? Sure you can.
Cloud: "His eyes, how they glistened! His dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!"
Rufus: (points his shotgun at Cloud) Did you just call me gay?
Barret: Neva mind him, Whitey. He's just bein' possessed again.
Rufus: (points his shotgun at Barret) Don't call me Whitey, you f**king Mr. T wannabe!
Barret: I pity the foo' who calls me a Mr. T wannabe!!!!!
Rufus: Whatever. Here's your damn presents! (flings a bunch of packages at them. One hits Cloud in the head.)
Cloud: OW!!!!!
Sephiroth: (materializes out of thin air) Hey! That's MY shtick!!!!!
Cloud: Don't worry about it, Master. (grabs his head and does the Cloud Strife Freakout™) What the hell did I just say?!
Sephiroth: AH HA HA HA HA!!!!! (whips a Destruct materia at Cloud's head)
Cloud: OW!!!!!
Aeris: Hey, don't do that to my man!!!! (punches Sephiroth in the nuts)
Tifa: He's MY man!!!!! (does the Samoan Skeleton Pull on Sephiroth)
Sephiroth: Ouchie. (dies)
Marylin Manson: That's MY shtick, you silicone-chested b***h!!!!!!
Aeris: He's got that right.
Tifa: HO!!! (b***h-slaps Aeris)
Manson: We're all stars now… in the Ho Show!!!
Tifa: Shut up, you freak! (whips Sephiroth's skeleton at Manson)
Manson: Ouchie. (dies)
Aeris: (ultra-perky) Okay, everyone! Let's see what you got!
Cloud: (opens his) Oh, gee. I got… hair gel.
Tifa: I got… piano wire. (stares menacingly at Aeris' neck, laughs maniacally)
Barret: I got… EBONICS FOR DUMMIES VERSION 5.01!!!!! I pity the foo' who mocks my linguistics now!!!!!!
Aeris: OH GEEEEEEEEE! I GOT A BAG OF FERTILIZER!!!!!
Cid: Don't you mean, a bag of s**t?
Aeris: S**t IS fertilizer, silly!!!!
Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock!!!!!!!
Red XIII: I got… a raincoat. I wonder what for?
Tifa: Oh man, that fertilizer smells like s**t. I think I'm gonna… (pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: VERY FUNNY!!!!!
Cloud: I wonder what Yuffie got? I don't want to wake her up.
Cid: Yeah, then she'd be even MORE obnoxious.
Tifa: (rips open Yuffie's package) Hey look! She got coal!!!!
All: (laugh maniacally)
Yuffie: (wakes up) What's so funny?
Cid: Um, nothing.
Yuffie: Oh, okay. (snores)
Vincent: I got… a set of plastic fangs?
All: (laugh maniacally)
Vincent: GOD DAMMIT! WHO STARTED THAT RUMOR, ANYWAY? I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!!!!
Tifa: Right, Vampy. What did you get, Cid?
Cid: Umm… (opens his package) WHAT THE @#$%#@$%@#$%@#$%@#$%@#$%@#$%#@$%#@$%@#@#$% $@#%$$%@@#$%#$%$%$%$#@$#? A PIECE OF #$#%&%&%#&%#$%#@#%$$#@ SOAP? WHAT THE #$&#*&)& AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?
Shera: (stuffs the soap in Cid's mouth)
Cid: MGOSAGHGLKGHJASLKGJMMGHPH!!!! (pulls the soap out of his mouth) GOD DAMMIT SHERA, WHAT THE @$%#$%@#$@$#@$%#%$ DID YOU DO THAT FOR?
Shera: You asked what the soap was for.
Cid: @#$%#$@%$&@%^$!%$#%!#!#$@$#%#@%#@$##$!!!! If I get my hands on the PUNK who thought this up…
Aeris: (whistles innocently)
Cloud: What did you get, Cait Sith?
Cait Sith: (holds his up) Hmm… it's ticking! What do you think? A new Rolex?
All: (hit the deck)
Cait Sith: Hey, where'd everybody g-BLAAAMMMMMMMMMMM!!! (pieces of Cait Sith go flying everywhere)
Aeris: Cloud, I'm scared! Hold me!!!!!
Cloud: You know I will!
Tifa: HO!!! (b***h-slaps Aeris)
Aeris: YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!!!!! (jumps at Tifa and they start catfighting)
Cloud: Well, looks like everyone's okay!
Rufus: That's it, I can't take it anymore! I'm getting out of here! So long, losers! (climbs up the chimney)
Cloud: "But I heard him exclaim, ere he rode out sight…"
Rufus: "F**K ALL YOU FREAKS, NONE OF YOU ARE TOO BRIGHT!!!!!!!" (lights up a doobie the size of a Roman Candle)
Cloud: Dammit, that's NOT how it ends! He said, "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!!"
Cid: Damn! Again! Stop sayin' it like a wimp! Can't you say "MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOW GET THE @$#%@#$$$# IN BED!!!!!" or something?
Cloud: How about, "GO F**K YOURSELF, CID"?
Cid: Okay! (goes and f**ks himself)
Yuffie: EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! (pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: Ha! This time I had my raincoat on!!!!! (takes his coat off)
Yuffie: (pukes on him again)
Red XIII: DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, this was the first holiday-themed FF7 fanfic I wrote. What can I say?
I just wanted to do it. If you like it, great! If you don't, well I can respect that… cause for some reason, the stuff I write never seems very funny to me.