Final Fantasy VII:
NIGHTMARE AT GOLD SAUCER
By Dave(Cloud)
Victory Theme (Final Fantasy VII)
The story so far-
Cloud and the rest of the gang have just defeated Palmer and have escaped Shinra forces at Rocket Town. Now they’re on a mission to retrieve the Keystone from the Gold Saucer. Now here is the story.
After talking with the weapon seller east of a known as Gongonga, we parked the Tiny Bronco about 25 miles from North Corel (Barret’s hometown). On our second day of hiking, we met some jesters.
JESTER 1: Pina Colada, man!
AERIS: Hey that’s my line! (she’s holding a pina colada bottle)
JESTER 1: Who says?
AERIS: I say, you mother $#@#%$ piece of crap!
JESTER 2: (walks up to Yuffie) Say you’re kind of hot. Want some pina colada?
YUFFIE: %$@# you! (kicks the jester in the balls)
JESTER 2: OWW! OK?
AERIS: Hey not a bad idea! (kicks the other jester in the balls)
JESTER 1: OWWW! OK?
We hiked for about five days all together. When we reached North Corel
we went in the inn. While there, we saw a news bulletin.
NEWS GUY: We interrupt this program to bring you shocking news.
INNKEEPER: God damn it! Just when Batman and Robin was starting!
BARRET: That’s a gay movie!
INNKEEPER: $#@% you!
BARRET: Up yours!
INNKEEPER: All right! You asked for it! (throws a chair at Barret)
BARRET: (dodging the chair) @$$hole! (shoots the innkeeper)
NEWS GUY: Leonardo DiCrapio was spotted in the Wonder Square section of the Gold Saucer, touching little children. Here is a video of the incident.
MOTHER: Hey! Get away from my baby boy! (smacks DiCrapio with her purse)
DICRAPIO: Coochy Coochy Coo! (tickling little boy)
BABY: WAHHH! (smacks him with his bottle)
RED XIII: Damn man! That’s the third time this week we’ve heard of this DiCrapio character molesting children.
ME: Not surprising. After all he is gay.
TIFA: It all started after he stared in that piece of crap Titanic movie.
ME: Well we better get some sleep. ( everyone nods in agreement. Lights are turned out)
In the middle of the night Cait Sith and Vincent wake up to hear noises in the
other room.
CAIT SITH: Man what is that noise?
VINCENT: Sounds like Red XIII and a cat screwing each other! (both laugh)
RED XIII: I heard that!
Cait and Vincent both laugh.
CAIT SITH: But seriously what is that noise?
TIFA: O Cloud! O CLOUD!
ME: Yeah baby!
VINCENT: Oh my God! They’re screwing each other!
CAIT SITH: Lucky bastard!
Cait Sith and Vincent go back to sleep but wake up 3 hours later.
CAIT SITH: Man, are they ever going to stop?
VINCENT: You would think one of them would have exploded by now and fluid would be all over the place.
CAIT SITH: You sick perverted bastard!
VINCENT: $#%@ you!
CAIT SITH: DiCrapio’s mama!
VINCENT: Oh God shut up!
AERIS: ( singing) I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener!
VINCENT: AHHHH! It’s the Oscar Meyer Wiener man!
CAIT SITH: SHHHHHHH! I don’t want him to hear us!
CAIT’S FRIEND: (jumps in bed with her) Tequila, man!
CAIT & VINCENT: AHHHHHHHHHH! (both fall out of their beds)
AERIS: AHHHHHHH! (hits Cait’s friend with a pillow)
CAIT’S FRIEND: OWWW! OK?
VINCENT: It was just Aeris, Cait.
CAIT SITH: AHHHHHHHHH! ( hides under his bed.)
In the morning we departed for the Gold Saucer.
We went up to the Ropeway station. We rode the Ropeway over to Gold Saucer. We got off the Ropeway.
ME: All right gang, there is no time for fun right now. We’re getting the Keystone and then leave.
CID: Hey, where’s Yuffie?
ME: I dunno. She’s probably trying to steal a date or something.
TIFA: Hey look! It’s Bruce Willis!
BRUCE WILLIS: You mean to tell me you don’t accept American dollars!
TICKET SALER: Sorry Mr. Willis only gil. Plus I need to see some ID.
WILLIS: WHY?
TICKET SALER: You COULD be a phony!
WILLIS: You bastard! Will this change your mind?(shoots the ticket guy)
TICKET GUY: OWWW! OK?
The whole team claps and cheers.
AERIS: WOW! That was amazing (whole team walks up to Willis)
WILLIS: You like that uh? Check this out! (kills five security guards with one shot)
ME: That kicks ass!
WILLIS: I’m the one and only Bruce Willis. Who are you guys?
ME: Cloud Strife and these are my friends. This is Barret, Aeris, Tifa, Red XIII…
RED XIII: Also known as Nanaki.
ME: Thanks Red.
RED XIII: No problem man!
ME: SHUT UP! ( throws a soccer ball at Red)
RED XIII: WOOF! WOOF!
ME: Anyway, this is Cait Sith, Cid, and Vincent
WILLIS: Nice to meet you all. (Bruce Willis joins the party)
At the steps leading to the battle arena we hear shouts of pissed off people
GUY 1: You little slut, come back here!
GUY 2: Grab her!
The guys tumble down the stairs.
YUFFIE: Miss me! Miss me! Now you got to piss on me!
WHOLE TEAM: Yuffie!
WILLIS: Who’s that?
ME: Oh yeah! I almost forgot to introduce you to Yuffie. She will steal anything.
WILLIS: ( searches his pockets) Oh shit my wallet!
Yuffie comes running down the stairs with the Keystone in hand.
YUFFIE: Cloud look! The Keystone!
ME: Good going Yuffie! (sarcastically) Are those pants you’re holding?
YUFFIE: Yeah. I stole them from those guys up there( points to the top of the battle arena)
GUY 3: Get the b***h!
AERIS: Run! RUN!
TIFA: We’re done for!
VINCENT: Everyone with guns take them out!
Willis, Vincent, and Barret take their guns out.
YUFFIE: Wait! Don’t fire! I have an idea! ( starts singing in a high pitched voice) Blue or teal. Fish or eel. Give me something good to steal! If you don’t I WILL care. I will steal your underwear!
WILLIS: Now that’s a site I DON’T want to see.
GUY 4: NO! Not my underpants! !
GUY 3: You can keep our pants! Just please don’t sing anymore!
GUY 4: I care more about my underpants than anything.
YUFFIE: YEE HA!
As they start to walk away Bruce Willis sees his wallet in Yuffie’s pocket
WILLIS: HEY! That’s my wallet! Where’s my money?
YUFFIE: What money? There was no gold in your wallet. I was gonna give it back to you.
WILLIS: It was green paper!
YUFFIE: That was money? I thought it was colorful toilet paper!
WILLIS: Oh s**t!
After getting the Keystone we return to the Ropeway only to find out it was
busted. We had to stay overnight.
After talking about the Keystone, the Ancients, and smelling Red XIII’ s foot odor,
We returned to our rooms for the night.
AERIS: I’m bored! ( hears singing)
AERIS: ( heads to the station) It’s coming from there ( she looks toward Event Square. She enters.)
GARTH BROOKS: (singing) So bring me two pina coladas! One more estate! We set sail with Captain Morgan. We’re leaving dry land!
AERIS: My favorite song! (she goes on stage and starts dancing)
BROOKS: (notices Aeris dancing on stage) Hey who are you?
AERIS: I’m Aeris, sir! I’m your biggest fan!
BROOKS: For all I know you could be a drunken crazed fan who gets drunk off pina coladas.
AERIS: Hey! How did you know?
BROOKS: Security! Get her off the stage!
Security comes and throws Aeris off the stage.
Back in my hotel room.
ME: What a crappy night! ( hears a knock on the door) What is it?
TIFA: ( enters) Hi!
ME: What’s wrong? You need another Viagra pill?
TIFA: You want to go on a date?
ME: Yeah why not?
Tifa and I head down toward Event Square where the Garth Brooks concert
just ended.
GUY AT ENTERANCE: Congratulations! You are 100th couple tonight!
ME: Yeah (sarcastically)
GUY AT ENTERANCE: You will star in tonight’s play
TIFA: Sounds like fun! Come on Cloud!
The play starts
NARRATOR: Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away…(interrupted)
ME: How far?
NARRATOR: Some where in England…
ME: Where in England?
NARRATOR: Somewhere in the middle!
( continues) Anyway Princess Rosa was kidnapped by the evil dragon king, Valvaldos! Oh legendary hero help us! But you have to talk to… the KNIGHT ( knight comes spinning out)
ME: AHHHHHHHHHH!
KNIGHT: Oh legendary hero. Alfred, help us. ( a pause) Hey it’s your line.
ME: ( picking my nose) Not now! I’m trying to pick a winner. Okay I have one. Now what were you saying?
KNIGHT: Help us save the princess!
ME: Is it mandatory?
KNIGHT: YES!
The king comes spinning out
KNIGHT: You must talk to the king!
ME: ( approaches king) What do you want?
KING: I am the king. Please save my beloved Rosa. But you can’t do it right now. Talk to some one who can help you.
The wizard comes spinning out and stops right beside the knight. I approach the
wizard.
WIZARD: I am the wizard, Vorman how can I help you?
ME: Well, you can get cancer!
WIZARD: How can that help you?
ME: You will die and I won’t have to see your ugly face again!
WIZARD: I hate you and I wish YOU had cancer!
ME: You are such a d**k!
WIZARD: You’re a d**k!
ME: You’re a d**k!
WIZARD: You’re a d**k!
ME: You’re a d**k!
WIZARD: You’re a d**k!
ME: You’re a d**k!
GUY IN STANDS: You’re all d**ks! Now shut the #$%@ up and get on with the play!
Audience applauds really loud. I approach the knight
KNIGHT: What do you want me to do?
ME: Defeat the Evil Dragon King and go to HELL!
NARRATOR: Oh look! (evil dragon king comes out, holding Tifa)
EDK: GAHHHHHHH! I’m the Evil Dragon King, Valvaldos! I already know you’re name Alfred!
ME: No, it’s Cloud.
EDK: Alfred!
ME: Cloud!
EDK: Alfred!
ME: Cloud!
GUY IN STANDS: SHUT UP! ( throws a beer bottle and hits the EDK in the eye)
Audience applause’s again.
KNIGHT: I’m gonna kick your @$$!
The knight starts pounding on the EDK. The EDK punches the knight on the
ground.
KNIGHT: OWW! OK?
ME: Yeah! The knight’s dead! ( steps on knight’s head)
EDK: Who is your enemy! Say it!
ME: That dead knight!
GUY IN STANDS: You suck! Get him off the stage!
ME: Shut the $#%@ up you fat @$$ prick!
GUY IN STANDS: Who are you calling fat @$$ you spiky headed jerk!
ME: Your mama’s a WHORE!
GUY IN STANDS: Don’t insult my mama!
GUY’S MOM: What did he say sonny? He likes Al Gore? Well I must teach him a lesson!
Old women throws her cane and hits the EDK right in the face.
GUY IN STANDS: No he said you were a whore!
GUY’S MOM: What? He wants more?
Old lady throws a chair at the EDK and hits him in the face.
TIFA: Cloud what are you doing? The play’s a disaster! (comes up and slaps me)
EDK: GAAAAAAHHHHH! Do you dare ignore me?
TIFA: $#@% you, blabbermouth! ( kicks the EDK in the balls)
EDK: OWWW! OK? (Tifa takes off his mask)
EVERYONE: DIO?
DIO: Hi Everyone! Watch me flex my beautiful muscles! ( starts flexing)
Everyone in the audience starts to scream. I wake up to the noise.
ME: OH MY GOD! IT’S DIO!
GUY IN STANDS: You bastard!
TIFA: Help Me!
Just as everyone was about to die of the sight something happens.
Some familiar looking characters jumped down and saved the day.
TERRANCE: Hey Phillip! It’s a gay guy! Let’s go fart on him
PHILLIP: Okay Terrance! ( Phillip farts on Dio)
BOTH: Ah ha ah ha ah ha ah!
TERRANCE: That was marvelous Phillip! Let me try! ( Terrance farts on Dio!)
BOTH: Ah ha ah ha ah ha ah!
DIO: Cut it out! I’m gonna die of gas poisoning!
BOTH: Ah ha ah ha ah ha ah ha!
PHILLIP: That fart gave me the chills, Terrance! This time lets both fart on him. ( they both fart)
DIO: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ( starts to disintegrate)
BOTH: Ah ha ah ha ah ha ah ha ah!
ME: Thanks guys! You saved a lot of lives today!
PHILLIP: ( goes up to Dio’s carcass) I will fart on your grave! (farts on Dio’s carcass. The carcass explodes)
BOTH: Ah ha ah ha ah ha ah ha!
CAIT’S FRIEND: YOO HOO! ( waving his hand up in the air)
ME: Could you do us one more favor? Could you gas him out too?
TERRANCE: Sure no problem! ( both shoot fart toward Cait’s friend)
Cait’s friend ducks behind the big fat @$$ in the stands.
GUY IN STANDS: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BOTH: Ah ha ah ha ah ha ah ha!
SCOTT: You two are sick! I wish you both had cancer!
PHILLIP: You see Scott, despite all your criticism it was farting that saved the Gold Saucer.
TERRANCE: Hey Scott you like apples?
SCOTT: Yeah.
TERRANCE: ( farts on Scott) How bout them apples? Ah ha ah ha!
Scott screams and then blows up.
After the play Tifa and I went on the Gondola. We saw all the sites of Gold
Saucer.
TIFA: Cloud, I want to… well I… never mind.
ME: No what is it?
TIFA: It’s nothing.
ME: What is it Tifa?
TIFA: Well do you have any Vagisil cream?
ME: Yeast infection?
TIFA: Yep!
Suddenly a firecracker was heading right for the Gondola.
ME: S**t! Tifa grab on!
They jumped out. The firecracker hits the Gondola destroying it. Tifa and I
parachute to safety.
CONDUCTER: $#@%! Man that’s the fourth time this month!
When we returned to our room, Tifa and I started to make out. Then we
heard Cait’s friend outside our window
CAIT’S FRIEND: Tequila, man!
ME: Oh God! Not him again!
BARRET: ( breaks in our room) Want to play a game of tag?
CAIT’S FRIEND: Okay!
BARRET: ( shoots Cait’s friend.) Your it!
Cait’s friend falls to the ground
UNCLE JIMBO: You know Ned? We haven’t shot a single bear in two hours! Amazing isn’t it?
NED: MMMMM… We’re starting to suck!
UNCLE JIMBO: Yeah I know. ( hears a rustling noise) Ned what was that?
NED: MMMMM… I don’t know
Uncle Jimbo and Ned look behind them
CAIT’S FRIEND: Tequila, man! ( starts walking toward Jimbo and Ned)
UNCLE JIMBO: Get ready Ned! It’s a bear!
NED: MMMMM… A Mexican bear!
UNCLE JIMBO: It’s coming right for us!
NED: MMMMM… It’s coming right for us!
Jimbo and Ned fire their guns and kill Cait’s friend
RED XIII: ( peeking out a window) HA! HA!
UNCLE JIMBO: I’m sorry. Was this one of your friends?
RED XIII: No. He was more like an enemy!
NED: MMMMM… S**t happens!
TIFA: Oh Cloud! OH CLOUD!
ME: Harder baby HARDER!
TIFA: ( moans pretty loud) Oh Cloud!
ME: OK I’m done. ( putting our clothes back on)
TIFA: Let’s see what’s on TV ( turns the TV on)
PEE WEE HERMAN: Hi boys and girls! Meet my friend Follower 1!
AUDIENCE: Hi Follower 1!
FOLLOWER 1: Hi boys and girls!
PEE WEE HERMAN: Repeat after me: AH! HA! AHHHHHH! ( jacking off)
FOLLOWER 1: AH HA AHHHHHHH! (same thing)
AUDIENCE: AH HA AHHHHHHH!
ME: Oh my God! Change the channel Tifa change the channel!
TIFA: ( changing channels) He’s on every station!
ME: NOOOOO! This can’t be happening!
Pee Wee Herman jumps out of the TV along with Follower 1 and his brother
Follower 2
PEE WEE: AH HA AHHHHHHH!!
FOLLOWER 1: AH HA AHHHHHHHH!
FOLLOWER 2: AH HA AHHHHHHH!
ME: Run Tifa! RUN!
We get to the door but it’s locked.
ME: S**t! The #@%&*# door is stuck!
TIFA: Pound against the door!
We pounded on it and finally broke it down.
ME: Head for Bruce Willis’ room!
TIFA: ( pounding on the door) Mr. Willis! Mr. Willis!
WILLIS: ( coming out in an Armageddon bathrobe) What’s wrong?
TIFA: THAT! ( pointing to Pee Wee and friends)
WILLIS: Shit!
CAIT SITH: What’s all the racket?
WILLIS: RUN!!
CAIT SITH: Why? ( looks over at Pee Wee and friends) AHHHH!
The four of us ran down stairs to the lobby. Mr. Hangman questions us.
MR. HANGMAN: Hey! HEY! No running in the halls without shoes!
WILLIS: Why don’t you shut the #$%@ up and tells us where we can get a gun.
MR. HANGMAN: Why don’t you screw DiCrapio’s mama!
Bruce Willis takes Mr. Hangman and rips him up. Pee Wee, Follower 1 and
Follower 2 came down the stairs jacking off in the process.
ME: Were done for!
CAIT SITH: Were gonna get SCREWED!
ME: Oh Lord in heaven save us!
Suddenly Vincent and Barret came down stairs.
VINCENT: Freeze Pee Wee!
BARRET: Or we’ll blow you’re head off!
PEE WEE: ( turning around with the others) AH HA AHHHHH!
FOLLOWER 1: AH HA AHHHHHHH!
FOLLOWER 2: AH HA AHHHHHHH!
VINCENT: FIRE!
Barret and Vincent fire their guns at the three some. Everyone does their victory
dance.
After Pee Wee Herman and friends were dead, we started back to our rooms.
DICRAPIO: There be might some children to molest at the hotel!
The Gold Saucer started to shake
RUBY WEAPON: Pickle D**K! ( ripping a hole in the roof)
DICRAPIO: AHHHHHH! ( running towards the station)
AERIS: What’s that rumbling noise?
CID: Probably one of Terrance’s farts.
We all ran to the station
CID: It’s DiCrapio!
ME: Look! It’s the Ruby WEAPON!
RUBY: Pickle D**k! ( fires two ruby missiles at DiCrapio)
DICRAPIO: AHHHH!
DiCrapio jumps in the Wonder Square tunnel. One missile hits right by the tunnel
But the other on follows him in. He emerges in Wonder Square and a split
second later the missile hits on the side of the tunnel, blowing DiCrapio across
the room.
DICRAPIO: $%#@! That hurt (children passed by) Come here little children!
CHILDREN: AHHHHHH!
RUBY: (ripping a hole in the roof) Pickle Dick!
Ruby WEAPON fires two more missiles. They crash right threw the walkway and
almost hit DiCrapio. The blast again throws him across the room.
DICRAPIO: S**t!
RUBY: Pickle D**k!
DiCrapio jumps in the Chocobo Racing tunnel.
JOE: Okay Teioh were gonna win this race for daddy ok?
TEIOH: WARRRRRRRK! (kicks Joe in the balls)
JOE: Damn chocobo!
DICRAPIO: HELP ME!
JOE: Yow man! What’s wrong?
DICRAPIO: HIM!
JOE: (looks up at Ruby WEAPON) Oh my God!
Ruby WEAPON fires his Ruby Ray at Joe and Teioh.
JOE: AHHHHHHHHHH!
TEIOH: WARRRRRRRRRK!
Joe and Teioh are fried by the ray. DiCrapio jumps in the Event Square tunnel.
GUY AT ENTRANCE: I’m sorry sir. You can’t go in here. There is a concert in progress.
DICRAPIO: Here’s my gold! (shows him a Gold VISA card)
Garth Brooks comes up and asks what the problem is.
BROOKS: What’s the problem here?
GUY AT ENTRANCE: He is sir!
BROOKS: DiCrapio!
DICRPIO: I have a problem!
BROOKS: I can fix that! (hits DiCrapio over the face with his guitar)
Ruby WEAPON smashes the roof
RUBY: Pickle D**k!
DICRAPIO: AHHHHH! (Ruby fires two missiles)
BROOKS: I’m out of here!
Ruby WEAPON’s missiles hit DiCrapio, blowing him to a million pieces.
AUDIENCE: YEAHHHHH! (starts clapping)
CID: Hey look! It’s DiCrapio’s head!
YUFFIE: What should we do with it?
BARRET: I have an idea.
They head down to Corel Prison.
BARRET: Here’s a new soccer ball!
ROBBER: Thanks man!
The robber and his friends started to play soccer with DiCrapio’s head.
After DiCrapio’s death, we had a celebration in Wonder Square. Chef of South
Park came in and sang us a victory song.
CHEF: I’m gonna make love to ya women. I gonna let you down by the fire!
ME: So Mr. Willis, what are you gonna do now?
WILLIS: Go back to Hollywood, make more movies, that kind of thing.
At Junon Airport:
WILLIS: Thanks guys!
AERIS: We’ll miss you!
CAIT SITH: Come back and visit us!
WILLIS: You can bet on it!
Everyone waves bye to Bruce Willis, as the plane is about to take off.
PILOT: Flight 443 to Los Angeles now departing.
Bruce Willis looks in his pocket and figures out he is missing something.
WILLIS: OH NO! MY WALLET! (looks out the plane and sees Yuffie with his wallet in her hand)
WILLIS: YUFFIE!
YUFFIE: Bye! Bye!
The plane takes off with Bruce Willis cussing Yuffie out. The rest of the team
heads for the Temple of the Ancients.
Back to Jessie's Computer