FFVII Roadtrip!!!!
By Cloud Strife and Cait Sith

Overworld Theme (Final Fantasy VII)

(At Tifa's Seventh Heaven)
Cid:(Sitting on the couch drinking tea and waving confederate flag) YEAH!!!! The Dukes!!! (Opens a can of hash) Damn, Daisy Duke's hot!!!!! (Lights up a fat cigar)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Have you ever noticed that all our Fan Fics start this way?
Aeris: Why are we wasting our time on the couch watching the Dukes of Hazzard?
Cid: Because we can!
Aeris: We're always cooped up in this room watching that show! I want to go outside! I want to get some fresh air and sunshine!
Cid: What's stoppin' ya'?
Cait Sith: Aeris' right! I'm sick of this! Change the channel!
Aeris: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!! Arrrggghhhh!!! You two are impossible!!!
Cloud: Calm down, Aeris!!!

(Meanwhile, in the bar. Barret is on the phone)
Barret: .....with anchovies.....
Marlene: Ewww, Daddy!!! I hate anchovies!!!
Barret: ...I said no anchovies, FOO'!!!
Marlene: I like pepperoni!
Barret: Yea!! Pepperoni and extra cheese!!! And hurry, FOO'!!!
Pizza guy on phone: That'll be two hours!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Barret: SEPHIROTH?!?!?!?!?!?!
Sephiroth: MWAHAHAHA........ How did you know it was me?
Barret: 'Cause of dat damn laugh! What are you doin' at "Spanky Pete's Pizza"?
Sephiroth: I got a part time job! I'll be right there with your pizza!

(30 minutes later)
Doorbell: Ding-dong!!!
Barret:(Opens the door) 'Bout damn time you got here.
Sephiroth:(Wearing a crappy red polo shirt and cheesey red paper hat with "Spanky Pete's Pizza" in large black letters) Here's your pizza. Where's my tip?
Barret:(Grabs the gay @$$ hot bag. Opens the pizza) You damn foo'!!! I said no f**kin' anchovies!!! YOU STUPID MOTHER-F**KIN' B*****D!!!!!!! (Blows out Sephiroth's kneecaps)
Sephiroth:(Holds up cure materia and flies away)
Marlene:(Plugging her ears) Daaddy, oww! My f**king ears!!!
Barret: Don' cho be cussin', Marlene!! Probably from that g*****n, redneck Cid!!!!!
Cid:(Climbs up the shaft) I heard that, you g*****n monkey!!!!! (Shoves his spear up his @$$)
Barret: AHHH!!!!! My @$$, my @$$, my f**kin' @$$!!!!!!
Everyone:(Rides up on the pinball machine)
Red XIII:(Grabs a piece of pizza and takes a bite) Hotbag my @$$!!!!! (Heats it up with his tail)
Barret: Da' weirdest thing! Sephiroth was workin' at "Spanky Pete's Pizza" and he deliver'd da' pizza!!
Cloud: WHAT?! Sephiroth was here, and you didn't tell me!!! YOU #@%$#&^%*%$&^^%*%%#@$#W%$%&^$%^#@$@#@~!@!~@@!%!#@@$%$&&*%&*&^*&^(*&(&*^&%$&&*(%^#$@!@$%$###&*^%#@$*&^@!#^*&^%$#!@#$&^*^%!@$^*&^%@#~*(#@!#$&*&#@!)(%$#@!&*&(*@!*&(*&@~!@$%^&^%$#@#$%&^$%#@*(*^%@!(&*^%$#*#@$*(&^%$#@$%(*##@$^*&#$#%^&^%#@$^*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Whoa!! Cloud pulled a Cid!!!!
Aeris: CLOUD!!!! What's wrong with you! You shouldn't talk like that!! You've been cooped up too long!!! We need to get out!!!!
Cait Sith: ROADTRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aeris: Good idea!!!
Cloud: But I left the buggy at Costa Del Sol! Let's go get it!
Cid: Yeah!! I've been working on it!!!! I'll go start up The Highwind!!!
Aeris: No!! Cloud needs the fresh air!!!! We have to walk!!!!
Cait Sith: We're walking?!?!?! What is this, disc one?
Tifa: Yeah!! This'll be fun!!! Vincent, Yuffie, let's go!!! What're you doin' back there?
Vincent:(Pulls his tongue out of Yuffie's throat) Uhh... nothing.....
Yuffie: Wha....?
Tifa: Come on you knuckle-head's!! We're going to go on a roadtrip!!!!
Vincent and Yuffie: Uhh... sure.
Barret: Marlene, watch the bar while we gone!
Cait Sith:(Dripping with sarcasm) Good idea! Let's let a six year old serve alcoholic beverages! You sure want to keep that liquor license, don't you!!

(They walk to Kalm Town)
Tifa: I'm pooped!!!
Aeris: Me too!! Let's rest at the inn!!

(They stop at the end)
Cloud: Did I ever tell you...... (Music starts playing. Sing to the tune of "It was a very good year") When I was siiixteeeeen, It was a veeeery bad year!!! I was a meeember of Soldier, first classs...
Tifa: No you weren't, Cloooooud!!!!
Cloud: Shut up, Tifa!!!!
Red XIII: Anyway..... you've already tooooold us that story!
Cloud: Then I'll give you the shooort one!! When I was siixteeen, Sephiroth burned down my town! Then I kicked his sooorry @$$ and threw him intoo the maaako! He came baaaack some how! It realllly suuucked @$$! When I waaaaas Siiiiixteeeeeen!!!!! (Song's done)
Cait Sith: Great song!!! But, why are we at Kalm! Let's go!!!
Tifa: Where's Cid?
Aeris: He's at the bar!!! Let's go get him!!

(At the bar)
Cid:(Walks into the kitchen)
Cook: Stay out of the kitchen!
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Cid:(Walks into the kitchen)
Cook: Stay out of the kitchen!
Cid:(Laughs menighacally)

(Everyone enters the bar)
Cloud: Having fun, Cid!
Cait Sith: What's so funny?
Cid:(Stops laughing, walks into the kitchen)
Cook: Stay out of the kitchen!
Everyone:(Laughs maniacally)
Tifa: Come on Cid!
Aeris: Let's get out of here!
Cid: But I still have to order a drink! Hey, bar-keep!
Sephiroth: What'll you have?
All: SEPHIROTH?!?!?!?!
Sephiroth: Yes, I'm the bartender here! What'll you have!
Cid: I want a Long Island Iced Tea!!
Sephiroth: Yes, sir! Oh, and, Cloud! This is for you! (Hands him a bottle of gin)
Cloud:(Smashes the bottle) No way, Sephiroth! That stuff tastes like pee!
Sephiroth: Only puppets don't like my gin!
Cloud: Shut up, Sephiroth!! (Opens a can of Whup @$$ on Sephiroth)
Sephiroth:(Broken and bleeding, dematerializes)
Cid: Dammit!! I didn't get my Long Island Iced Tea!!! Damn, I'm pissed!! But I know what'll cheer me up!!!! (Walks into the kitchen)
Everyone in bar: STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!!!!!!!
Cid: S**t, s**t, s**t!!!!! Let's get the hell out of this place!!!!

(They walk to the Midgar Zollom Swamp)
Midgar Zollom: Grrrrr!!!!!
Ramza:(Runs in with gay @$$ ponytail and @$$ sticking out of pants) Hi, everybody! Gee, these things suck! (Hits Zollom once and it dies)
Zollom: Oh poopy.... (Disappears in red flash)
Ramza: Well, bye, everyone! Gotta go save Alma! (Runs out)
Red XIII: Now we have to go through the Mythril Caves to get to Junon.
Cait Sith: Thanks, Captain Obvious!

(They enter the caves)
Tseng: You two go search the deeper regions of this cave, me and Elena will....... uh...... search over there.
Elena: Tseng just want to be alone with me....
Tseng: You talk too much, Elena!
Elena: Oooopps!! Sorry.
Reno:(In drunken stupor) Stop actin' so weak...... Elena!
Elena: Stop saying that you drunken b*****d! (Kicks Reno in the nuts)
Rude: He he he.
Reno:(In a high voice) What's so funny, Baldo!!!
Rude: He he he. This..... (Kicks Reno in the nuts)
Tseng: Stop it, you stooges! (Kicks Reno in the nuts)
Rude:(In "Curly" voice) Why, surtenly! Nyuck nyuck nyuck!
Reno:(In a voice several octaves higher) Why... the.... hell.. did you all... do that for?
Rude, Tseng, and Elena: Because we could!!!!!!!
Reno:(Voice returning to normal) You all... SUCK!!!!!!!!
All: SHUDDAP!!!!!!! (Kick Reno in the nuts)
Reno: Aack.... (Passes out)
Cloud:(Him and the others enter) Sorry to interrupt...
Elena: Oh.. no! It's them!!!
Reno:(Mumbling unconsiously) Stop... acting... so... weak,... Elena...
Elena: Shut up! (Steps on Reno's nuts)
Tseng: So, we meet again.
Aeris: Tseng?!?! I thought you we're dead!
Tseng: I was ressurected... with an "Instant Plot Device"!
Cloud and Cait Sith: JUST ADD WATER!!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: Oh gawd! Will you two stop hawking your stupid products!!!
Cait Sith: Shut up, Yuffie, and go back to your stupid cave!!!!!
Elena: We won't meet again. We have to end this, like Turks!
Red XIII: So, your going to get your @$$es kick, then run away like the wusses you are?
Cait Sith: Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Elena: That's the will and spirit of the Turks! Believe it!
Tseng: I'm not getting my @$$ kicked this time! (Jumps into a helicopter and takes off)
Elena: Dammit, Tseng! Don't leave us!!! (Throws a stone at the helicopter. It sticks into blades and forces it to crash)
Tseng: Ahh!!! You bitch!!!!
Elena: Gotta go!! (Blows Cloud a kiss and runs away, along with Tseng and Rude, dragging Reno behind him. Reno's head bounces off every rock on the floor)
Tifa: That totally sucks!! I wanted to kick Elena's @$$!!!
Cloud: And why does Elena always blow me a kiss!!! I can't STAND her!!!
(Meanwhile, somewhere in the Sega building, a small, blue hedgehog sits and waits. And weeps....)
AUTHORS NOTE: Sorry about the interruption. Just thought you'd like to know. Back to the story, already in progress.

(Cloud and the crew enter Junon. They are greeted by Pricilla)
Pricilla: Cloud, you have to better care of yourself! We're gonna get married someday!
Cloud:(Extremely sacasticly) Sure. I've got two wonderful ladies with me and I'm gonna marry your sorry @$$!!!!! Your only about 12 years old!!!!!
Pricilla: But...
Cloud: Just because I gave you mouth to mouth doesn't mean anything! Now get out of here and ride Mr. Dolphin!
Cait Sith: Ooooo.... kinky!!!
Aeris: I don't get it.
Cloud: I'll tell you later, Hon!

(All make their way over to the elevator)
Elevator guy: You wanna ride the elevator? That'll be 10 gil!
Cait Sith:(Sarcasticly) Oh my god! 10 gil! We're gonna be broke! What'll we do about food!!!
Red XIII: But 10 gil is almost nothing and we have plenty of gil and food.
Cait Sith:Thanks Captain Obvious! What do you want 10 gil for?
Elevator guy: I wanna buy a potion.
Cid: But f**king potions cost 50 gil a piece!
Cloud: And what'll you do with one potion, anyway! It'll only restore 100 HP!
Elevator guy: I'm a Shin-ra trooper! I only have about 100 HP! It's like an X-potion to me! But wait, they're 50 gil! Oh man! I'm gonna have to jack up the price! How about 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 gil!
Cid and Barret: WHAT THE F**K?!?!?!?!?!
Cloud: How about I give you an "INSTANT PLOT DEVICE"!
Cloud and Cait: JUST ADD WATER!!!!
Elevator guy: NO!
Cait Sith: 2?
Elevator guy: No, how about three and 100,000,000,000,000 gil!!!!
Cloud: Two. 100,000,000 gil......
Cait Sith: ....and a free psychic reading!!!!
Elevator guy: Okay!
(They fork over the money and the "INSTANT PLOT DEVICES"!!!!!!!)
Elevator guy: He he he....
Cait Sith: Oh, and your future is....... you're gonna die!!!
Elevator guy: What?!?!
Cloud:(Bravers the troop and cuts him clean in half) Stupid @$$! (Takes it all back)
Yuffie:(Goes through the troops pockets. She finds 20 gil, Seal Materia, and a big @$$ crack pipe) Holy crap! The Shin-ra are on crack!
Barret: I f**kin' knew it!

(The crew enters the elevator. They arrive at Junon. The trumpets start to blare crappy tone)
Cloud: Holy s**t! I have never heard such terrible trumpet playing in my life! Who is responsible for this s**t!!!!!!
(The trumpet playing abrubly stops. David Bieganski enters, with his trumpet)
AUTHORS NOTE: All of these following jokes are private jokes. You probably won't understand them. David DuPlesis, this is for you)
Bieganski: Wusup, dog! (Has a neck spasm) High five, on the flip side!
All: What?!?!
Bieganski: Don't leave me hangin'!
Red XIII: What the hell is wrong with this guy?!?!
Cid: Notta f**kin' clue!
Barret: This foo' think he black, but he a g*****n pollack!
Yuffie: Just like you, Cloud!
Cloud:(Snarls like an animal) I AM NOT A POLLACK!!!!!!!! My last name is Strife, not Strifeski!!!!!!! There's no pollack in the world that can play trumpet worth a damn!!!! I'll prove that I'm not I pollack!!!!!!! (Pulls out a trumpet and plays "Imperial March" at triple forte, while marching and twirling a rifle) SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bieganski: That wasn't very phat!!
Cloud: Shut up!!! (Slices Bieganski into 20 pieces)
Rufus:(Shows up, eyes as red as his hair)
Tifa: Been on the bong lately, Rufus?
Rufus: I did not inhale!
Cait Sith: Sure, sure! We've heard that line before!!
Cloud: I thought you were dead, too.
Rufus: I was brought back by an "INSTANT PLOT DEVICE"!!!
Cloud: Damn! We shouldn't have marketed those things!
Cait Sith: But we're makin' a s**t load of cash!!!
Rufus:(Alarm on watch beeps) Oh, s**t! Time for my delivery.... I... uhhh! I meant.... I gotta go!!!! (Takes off in halicopter)
Aeris: Oh well! Let's get on the boat.
Cloud: Sure.

(They all make way to the docks. There are two boats)
Cid: S**t! Which boat should we ride!
(They look at one of the boats. The "Lesboat". Sing to the tune of "The Theme of the Love Boat")
Singers: THE LESBOAT!!!!! Where there's tuna in eve-ry rooom!!!!! (Song's done)
Ellen Digenerous:(Runs down the plank) Hi ladies! Come on board! We'll have lunch at the Y!
Red XIII: Notice the sexual inuendo!
Cait Sith: Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Yuffie: Cloud.... let's ride the other boat!
Ann Heche:(Runs down the plank) Oh come on! We could go on the running deck and lap each other!
Cait Sith: Ooooo...... kinky!
Tifa: I really think we should get on the other boat!
Both Ellen and Ann: Oh please!! All the rooms have nice carpet!!!
Aeris: Cloud..... I want to go on the other boat!
Cloud: Okay, Aeris.
Cid: So... uh! Any of you bi?
All: CID!!!!!
Cid: S**t!!! Why don't you spoil all my fun!!!!

(They get on the other boat. The "Titanic". Meanwhile, at dock 54)
Dirty, foriegn drug dealer: Here's da s**t! You got da money!!
Rufus: Sure! Oh corse I do! (Forks over a ton of cash) Now give me the goods!
Drug dealer:(Counts the gil) It's all here! Give 'em da s**t, Rodrigo!
Rodrigo: Chit, man! I told you not to use my real name! You dumbs**t!!!! (Hands over 20 crates full of illegal narcotics)
Drug Dealer: Sorry....uh,... Mike.
Rodrigo: It's too damn late!!!! (The boat leave for a third world country, which will go un-named here)
Rufus: Yes! I got the s**t, and Cloud and the others will die on that boat! Ha ha ha!

(Back on the "Titanic". One day into the voyage, in the Ballroom)
Cid: This would be a kick @$$ party if they would bust out some booze!
Cait Sith: That's right, Cid! WAITER!!!!!!
Waiter:(Shows up) Yes,...uh... sirs? What'll you have?
Cait Sith: I want some caviar!
Waiter:(To himself) But I wonder which one's going to eat.
Cid: I want some g*****n tea!
Waiter: Sir, please! No cussing!
Cid: I'll f**kin' cuss if I f**kin' want to, you f**kin f**k!!!!!!!! Now get me some g*****n tea!!!!!!!!
Waiter: Yes, sir! (Runs away)

(Meanwhile, on the dance floor. Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslit are dancing)
AUTHORS NOTE: We think those two names should be changed to Reotardo Dicraprio and Kate Winslut! But that has nothing to do with the story!
(Leo and Kate start spinning till they're nacious. They both puke all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: Oh come on!!! (He mauls them both 'til they're unconsious)
Cloud: What crappy dancing! Let's show 'em how it's done....
Tifa: ...sure....
Cloud: .... Aeris!
Aeris: Sure, Cloud!
Tifa: Why is it always Aeris?
(Cloud and Aeris dance up a storm)
Sephiroth:(Who happens to be working on board as the lookout) He he he! I'll spike the punch! (Pours 10 bottles of gin into the punch) Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

(Back on the dance floor)
Cloud: Whew! I'm tired!
Aeris: Yeah! Let's sit this one out!
Cloud: Would you like some punch?
Aeris: Sure, Cloud!
Cloud:(Gets Aeris some punch)
Aeris: Thanks, Cloud! (Kisses his cheek)
Tira: Grrrrrr!!!!!!
Aeris:(Chugs the punch) Wow! That's good! Could I have some more?

(Two hours later)
Aeris:(Drunkly running around in circles) Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!!! Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!!
Cloud: Aeris?!?!?!?!
Tifa: I told you she was a ditz!
Cid: S**T!!! Where the hell is my tea! I'll have to go take care of this!!! (Walks into the kitchen)
Cook: Stay out of the kitchen!
Cait Sith: Don't start that again!
Leo:(Finally wakes up) Come on, honey! Let's get out of here.
Kate:(Wakes up too) Okay.
(They leave)
Barret: This party's a bunch o' s**t! I'll see ya' foo's later! (Leaves)
Vincent: I'd like some fresh air. (Flies out)
Cloud: Aeris? What's wrong?
Sephiroth:(Appears) I spiked the punch! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Aeris:(In drunken stupor) You spike dee punch? Me thank you very muuuuuuuuuch!!!!!!!!
Waiter: Hey, you! Lookout! What're you doing here! Get out onto the crows nest!
Sephiroth: Oh! Sure! Just don't tell the captain I was here! (Disappears)
Cid: But I already know he was here!
Cait Sith: He meant the captain of the ship!
Red XIII: Come on, you two! Let's leave this party!
Cid: But I never got my f**kin' tea!
Red XIII: I don't think it's coming!
Cait Sith: Thank you, Captian Obvious!
(They leave)
Aeris: Tra la la! Tra la la!
Cloud: I've got to get you to bed, Aeris! You're gonna have quite a hangover!
(They leave)
Tifa: God it's lonely with no one to talk to!
Yuffie: But I'm right here!
Tifa: God it's lonely with no one to talk to!

(Meanwhile, in the cargo hold)
Barret: Where the hell am I?! (See's a car rocking with the windows fogged up) What's goin' on here? (Peeks in the window. See's Leo humpin' some one) Oh my god! You be pumpin' dat fat cow?!?! You are desperate!!!!
Leo: Well, not exactly....
Cathal: Hi! I'm Cathal! And I'm gay! Could you leave us alone, we're kinda busy!
Barret:(Runs away screaming like a child)
Cathal: It's your turn to bend over, Leo!

(An hour later, on the bow. Leo and Kate are on the edge of the bow)
Kate: I feel like I can fly!
Leo: Okay. (Pushes her over)
Vincent:(Watching) Wow! Leo saved us! The ship stopped sinking when Kate Winslit's fat @$$ was pushed over.
(Cloud and the other show up)
Aeris: I can't sleep!
Cloud: Thanks for saving the ship, Leo!
Leo: Hey, hotty! You're kinda cute!
Cloud: WHAT?!?!?!
Cid: Whatta f**kin' queer!!!
Barret:(Pukes) I'd say.
Leo: You two, too!
Cloud, Cid, and Barret: Shut up or we'll kick your @$$!!!!!!!
Leo: You can't kill me..... (Stands on the edge) ...I'm king of the world!!!!!!!
Jack Nickholson:(Runs up to Leo and grabs his ankles) Well, you're about to be crowned!!!
All: JACK?!?!?!?!
Jack:(Slams Leo against the deck) Say goodbye, Leo! (Slams his face against the railing and throws him overboard) Stupid f**k!
Cloud: Good work, Jack!
Jack: Thanks, Cloud.
(Jack joins the party)
Aeris:(No longer drunk) Did you hear something?

(Meanwhile, on the crows nest)
Sephiroth: Where the hell are my binoculars?!?!?!
Voice on deck: ICEBERG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sephiroth: Wha?!?!
(The boat crashes into an Iceberg. It starts to sink)
Cloud: Hurry!!! We have to get to the life boats!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Women and cats first!!!!!!!
(They all barely make it away in time)
Captain: The captain goes down with the ship! Lookout!!!
Sephiroth: Yes, sir!
Captain: You are now the captain! (Jumps overboard)
Sephiroth: What a crock of s**t! (Dematerializes)

(A while later, in the life boat)
Cloud: We're lucky we made it alive!
Aeris: Yeah!
Cloud: Are you all right......
Tifa: Yes.....
Cloud: ....Aeris!
Aeris: Yes, Cloud!
Tifa: It's always Aeris!!!!
Aeris: What a tragedy!
Cait Sith: Yeah! And I predict they'll make a s**tty movie out of it in 80 years or so!!!!
Yuffie: Really?!?!
Cait Sith: Yeah! But they'll leave us out.
Cid: Whatta buncha bulls**t!!!!!

(They reach Costa Del Sol.The lifeboat lands on the beach)
Tifa: Look over there, Cloud!
Cloud: That girl in the bikini?
Jack: Notta bad view!
Aeris: NO! It's Chef!
(Music starts playing)
Chef: You... and me.... and you and you! SIMULTAINOUS!!! You.. and me... and her and her and her!! SIMULTAINOUS LOVIN' BABY!!!!! Two or three!!!!
(Songs done. The phone rings)
The kids in South Park: CHEF!!! The Midgar Zollom is attacking South Park!!!!
Chef: Kids, I hate to say this.....but, fudge you!!!!! (Hangs up)
Stan: What did he say?
Kyle: I think he just told us to go f**k ourselves!!!
Stan: How's that gonna help?!?!
Mr. Hankey: HOWDY HO!!!!!!!!

(Back to Cloud and the others)
Cloud: Wow! But where's Hojo?
Red XIII:(Face covered in blood) Uh..... dead!
Cait Sith: RED?!?! You killed him!
Red XIII: Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Cait Sith: Hey, that's my line! (Pulls out a bag of "Cheesey Poof")
Cid: Where the f**k did you get those?
Cait Sith: Hell if I know! (Starts to eat them)
Barret: We foo's betta get a room! I'm f**kin' tired!!!

(They all go to the inn and go to sleep. In the middle of the night)
Voice in Cloud's head: ...oh.. yeah! And remeber five years ago?
Cloud: Not this s**t again!
Voice: Tifa's got really fine tits!!
Cloud: Yeah, I noticed!
Voice: Oh, and I noticed you got to go pee..... WAKE UP!!!!!!
Cloud:(Wakes up) Ahh! Gotta pee! (Walks up to bathroom door. Notices door is looked) Is someone in there?
Barret:(In the bathroom with his sailor's suit on. He's on the toilet "Pleasuring himself") Oooo.. ah! Marlene....
Cloud:(Knocks on door)
Barret: SOMEONE'S IN HERE!!!!! (Shoots his gun-arm) Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!! Daddy'll save ya'!!!!!
Cloud:(Suddenly remembers he owns Villa Cloud. He wonders to himself...) Self? Why are you at the crappy inn! (Runs over to his Villa to pee)
Barret: YES!!!!!!!! (Splat)

(In the morning)
Aeris: Good morning..... AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! WHERE'S CLOUD?!?!?!?!
Cloud: I went over to my Villa!
Cid: S**T!! Why did you scare us like that!!
Cloud: Sorry. Where's the buggy? Let's get out of this place!
Cait Sith: Just outside town.

(They leave town to get the buggy. Cid totally modified it)
Jack: What the hell is that?
Cid: It's my modified buggy. I call it The "General Lee"!
(The buggy has been painted a bright orange color. The doors are welded shut. A gaint confederate flag is painted on top)
Yuffie: Wow!!!!
Vincent: .....
Red XIII: I'm speachless.
Barret: Whatta pieca s**t!!!!!
Cid: F**k off, Barret!!!! You f***kin' d**k!!!!!!
Aeris: But, Cid.... why?
Tifa: Yeah! Why'd you do it?
Cid: 'Cause I could!!
Jack: What did it look like before?
Cloud: A peice of crap!
Cait Sith: How do you get in!
Cid: Through the windows!
Yuffie:(Pulling on the door handle) Wha?!?!
Cid: The f**kin' doors a welded shut so that the f**kin' thing can go faster! Dumbs**t!!!!!
All: Oh!
Cid: Let's roll!!!
(They all hop in through the open windows)
Cid:(Steps on the gas) Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aeris: Cid! Don't drive so fast!
Tifa: Where are you going? Stop and ask directions!
Cid: A man never asks for directioins, Woman!!!!!!
Cloud: Dammit, Cid!!!!

(They quickly make thier way to Cosmo Canyon. But first, a brief pit-stop at a local fast food restaurant)
Cait Sith: Man! I'm famished!
(They enter and get in line to order)
Palmer:(Ordering food) I want three cheeseburgers! And a regular burger with cheese!
Zit-faced teenaged cashier:(Voice cracking) Four cheese burgers?
Palmer: No! Three cheeseburgers and a burger with cheese!
Cashier: You want fries with that?
Palmer: Sure.
Cashier: What size? Large, Extra-Large, or the Valve Closer?
Palmer: I'll have the Valve Closer!
Cashier: Oh corse you know, the Valve Closer comes with a complemantary I.V. of pork gravy. You want something to drink?
Palmer: Yeah. A small Diet Coke! Gotta watch my figure!
Cashier: Coming right up. Next?

(They all order food)
Cloud: I'm number 69!
Cait Sith: Oooooo.... kinky!!!!!
Cloud:(Goes to get his food)
Cid: Watch this! (Throws his Filet of Fish at Cloud, smearing tartar sauce everywhere)
Cloud:(With no tartar sauce on him) Way to go, d**k!!!!!
Cashier: I need someone to clean that up!
Sephiroth:(Comes out of bathroom with a plunger) What?
Cashier: Clean up that tartar sauce!
Sephiroth: Yes, sir. (Get's his mop and rolley bucket. Starts to clean Cid's mess)
Cashier: And after your done, some todlers just peed in the ball pit!
Sephiroth: Ewwww!!!!
Cait Sith:(Reads the bottom of his Crispy Chicken box) What?!?!
Cloud: What's wrong?
Cait Sith: This box is made of 33% recycled paper?! What'd they do, say "Oh, we were gonna recycle it! We were 1/3 way through and said 'Ah, F**K IT! Go cut down a tree'"
(Walks by with a mop)
All: SEPHIROTH?!?!?!
Sephiroth: What're you doing here?
Cait Sith: Eating, dumbs**t!!!!!
Sephiroth: Dumbs**t? I don't need to hear that from a hairball like you!!!!
Cait Sith: Shut up, d**khead!! And go clean that piss stain!!!!!
Sephiroth: That's it! (Pulls out his Masamune)
Cait Sith: It is! (Jumps off the moogle and starts to tear up Sephiroth's face)
Sephiroth:(Face looking like grated cheese, covered in blood) Ack!!!! You fuzzy.... OOOF!!!!!
Cait Sith's moogle:(Sit's on Sephiroth)
Cait Sith: Say it! Say "Mercy"! Come on, say "Mercy"!
Sephiroth: Mercy!!!! (Disappears)
Cait Sith: Whatta sack of s**t!!!!
Foriegn lady working there:(See's the mess they've made) Blah blah blah blah McDonalds! Blah blah blah blah, you know what I mean?
Cid and Cait: No?
Cloud: They're sorry! They won't do it again!

(They leave and head twords Cosmo Canyon again. Meanwhile, in the middle of the ocean)
Leo:(Floating on Kate Winslit's dead, fat body. His face bashed in) I'm.............. alive...........
Emerald Weapon:(Rises from the ocean in an extremely cool maner) Not for long, Leo!
Leo: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Emarald Weapon: Say goodnight, faggit! ("Aire Tam Storm's" Leo) Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Grabs Leo's sorry, dead @$$ and drags him underwater)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: We hope it is now completely clear that we hate Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslit, and the entire movie Titanic. We wish everyone involved with that piece of s**t movie would go back to hell where they belong, especially Reotardo DiCraprio, the f**kin' @$$hole! He is SUCH a s**tty actor!!!!!!!
(The opinions expressed in this fanfic are our own and do not necessarily reflect those of this website. Now, back to the story. They stop at Gongaga to take a rest stop)
Tifa: Pull over, Cid! I GOTTA PEE!!!!!!
Cid: Yeah, yeah...

(They pull over. They overhear a conversation between the Turks)
Reno:(Shootin' up heroine) So, uh, Rude!! Who do you like?
Rude: Um... I'm not telling you!
Reno: You like Elena, don't you!
Rude:(Lights his crack pipe) No.... she likes Steng....
Reno:(Whips out his bong) REALLY!!!! I didn't know that!!!! But he likes that ancient!!
Rude: It's alright. She has hair on her chest!!!
Reno: That's disgusting!!!!! So, anyway, who DO you like?
Rude: ..... Tifa.....
Reno: Oh, that's a tough one.
Rude: Who do you like?
Reno: .....Cloud.....
Rude: THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!!!!!! YOU F**KIN' FAGGIT!!!!!!
Reno: What? He's hot!!!!
(Cloud and the others run)
Cloud: RENO!!!!!! YOU FLAMIN' QUEER!!!!!!!!!!
Reno: AHHH!!!!! You overheard?!?!
Elena:(Walks in) Reno's comin' out of the closet?
Reno: Quiet, hairy breasts!!!!
Tseng:(Walks in) Reno's a salad shooter?
Reno: SHUT UP, YOU @$$HOLES!!!!!!!!

(Everyone lines up to kick Reno in the nuts. After they all have)
Reno:(In the highest voice humanly possible) AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Jack:(Pulls his three iron out of his pants) This'll shut him up!!!! (Hits him in the nuts with it)
Reno:(Passes out)
Tseng: S**t!!!! Let's run like the wussies we are!!!!!! (They run, dragging Reno behind them)
(They go into town)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This part takes place before the town was trashed. So, for the time being, the reactor is still in one piece
Tifa: Where's the bathroom?! WHERE's the bathroom?!?! WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?!?!?!
Cloud: I don't know?
Tifa: GOTTA FIND A BATHROOM!!!!!!!!!! Aeris, Yuffie, come with me!!!!(They run off)
Barret: Why da' hell do wimin always go to da' bafroom together?!
Cid: I know!!! I hate that s**t!!!
(They walk into Zack's house, tring to find the ladies)
Zack's dad:(Sees Cloud's soldier uniform) Hey, your from soldier. Ever known a guy named Zack?
Cid: Zack....
Zack's mom: He wrote us about a gay lover he had. Cloud that have been you?
Cid: F**K NO!!!!! DO I LOOK LIKE A F**KIN' QUEER TO YOU?!?!?! You #@$%$%&%#@$%#&^@$%@&$%@^$#^$@$^@$$(^%*&&^(&%*$%&^$#%&@^%$&#^$@^$$%*&%#*^$@%#^%#^$@%^@#^%$&%$&%$&%$&% stupid $&%#^$@#^*%@%$!@$%@*^$#@$%@!#%@$^T!%#@#$%@^@^$*@#(#&%@^$$&($#&%(#(^%#(^%#@(^%@#(^#^%#(#&%#&%(#^%#^#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can take your @$#&^%&^$#*^%#&(%#^%*^$%#@$%$&^%*^@%^#&(%@$#@&^%#^$@%@$%#*^$!$@@& and wrap it around your $#&%*$&^#^%#&%$^$#Y%#$@%$@%!#&#*^#&%#^%$*^U#$%^#)^#&%$%*^$&^$*^#^(%#$&^#^&$#^%#%&$#&^)($&%*#&%@$%@#%*&$*^%@$^^@#$#^$@%#@$^#&%#^%#^#*#^#^%#^%$#&%$*&%^(&^%(%(*&$&^*^$%&@%#@#U^$#!@#$%^&*(!@#$%^&*@WER@#$%@#$%^@#$%!@#$%@#$%^@#$%^&@#$%^@#$%^&*(@#$%^&*( 'cause you look like a monkey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cathal:(Walks in the room.) No, that was ME!!!
Barret: Sheet, Cathal!! You sure get around, sucka!!!
Cathal: Yes. Now where's that Reno guy?
: Let's get away from these fruits and get some sleep.
Cid: Damn right!

(They go to sleep at the inn, and are awaken by a huge explosion)
(In the middle of the reactor site, it is a smoking mess)
Fat guy:(Clad in a black shower curtain and black bandana over eyes) Gyahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've destroyed the reactor!!!!!!!!! Now I need some lard!!!!!
(Cloud and the others rush up to see what the f**k happened)
Cloud: What happened?!?!?!?!
Cait Sith: And what's that smell?!?!?!
Fat guy: It was the power of my atomic fart!!!!!! I am.... EVECTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All: WHO?!?!?!
Evector: EVECTOR!!!!!!!!! (Let's loose a blast from his Sphincter Cannon)
Barret: SHEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Gets blown away)
Cid: Jesus Christ Superstar!!!!!!! That's one helluva fart!!!!!!!
Red XIII: We have to stop him before he destroys the world!!!!
Evector: Some people summon Meteor, but I summon ...... (Lets loose a gaint, sloppy, wet fart)
Yuffie: OHHHHHHH GAAAAAAAAAWWWWDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Gets blown away)
Vincent: Now I'm pissed!!!!!!! NO ONE BLOWS MY HONEY AWAY AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Starts to open fire on Evector)
Evector:(Blasts another fart his way, causing Vincent's gun to melt)
Vincent: S*******T!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: He's too powerful!!!!! How can we stop him?!?!
Aeris:(Conks Evector over the head with her staff, causing 14 damage)
Evector: .... and I didn't get my lard...... (Disappears in a green fart cloud)
Cloud: Oh.... nevermind.....
Barret and Yuffie:(Covered in green ooze) We need a shower.
Cait Sith: Ooooooo... kinky!!!!!!!
Annoying Brittish Voice: In-a-pro-priate!!!!!!!!!

(They return on their way. Before reaching Cosmo Canyon, Aeris forces Cid to pull over in the Forest of the Ancients)
Aeris: Cid! Cloud needs the fresh air!
Cid: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

(They come up to a familiar looking campsite)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you haven't read Cait Sith's "Summer Camp Hell!", you should read that one first. You'll find it!
Cloud:(Reading a sign) Camp...... (Gasp)......oh no!
Mr. Ed:(Smoking a bong) Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We're....... ba-ack!
Cait Sith: Not..... Camp Ohmigodtheburgerbarked!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Ed: YES!!!!! I brought it back with........an "INSTANT PLOT DEVICE"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Just add water)
Cloud: Dammit!! I'm takin' those things off the market!!!
Cait Sith: Hell no, dude!! We're rolling in it!!!! (Pulls out loads of cash)
Jack: What the hell is this place?
Cloud: Aeris dragged us here once and they tried to kill us! So, with Sephiroth's help, we burnt the place down!
Cait Sith: And now it's back!
Red XIII: Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Cait Sith: That's my line!
Vincent: Let's burn this hell hole down!
Yuffie: No, we need a place to stay!
Vincent: ......
Tifa: She's right, let's spend the night here!
Mr. Ed:(Takes a gaint bong hit) It's time for dinner! (See's Cid with a cigarette) NO SMOKING AT CAMP!!!!!!!
Cid: F**k no, you stupid s**t!
Mr. Ed: Use these instead! (Hands him a box of patches)
Cid: What the f**k! What am I gonna do with temporary tatoo's?
Jack: No. They're nicotine patches, you freakin' moron!

(Time passes, they line up for dinner)
Barret: Where's Cid?
Cid:(Walks in covered with patches, chewing gum) S**t! This Nicorette s**t doesn't work!
Barret: You don' chew it like normal gum!
Cid: F**k that! It tastes like s**t anyway! When do the f**kin' patches take effect, anyway?
Mr. Ed: They take a half an hour to kick in!
Cid: S**T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need a cigarette! I can't breathe without a cigarette!!!!!!
Cloud:(See's Aeris in line. She is near tears) What's wrong?
Aeris:(Hands him a note) Take it..... Please.... (Looks away)
Cait Sith:(Walks over) What the hell is happening?
Cloud: .......She broke up with me....
Tifa: YES!!!!!!! ...I mean... I'm sorry, Cloud.
(They all "eat")
Red XIII: What is this?
Yuffie: I don't.... ugh... gurk... know..... (Pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: Ah, come on! (Mauls Yuffie)
Vincent: ......
Barret: S**T!!!!!!!! My french fries are havin' sex!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Oooooo.... kinky!!
Vincent:(Shows interest in Barret's fries)
French fry #1: Hey guy's, you mind!!!!! We're kinda busy!!!!
Yuffie:(Pukes on Red XIII again)
Red XIII: Not again! (Mauls Yuffie again)
Cloud:(Finds Aeris under a tree and starts talking to her) I don't understand.....
Aeris: I just don't want a commitment right now.
Cloud: But don't you love me?
Aeris: I just don't feel that way right now, but maybe later....
Cloud: Stop saying right now, dammit! What if some maniac comes and kills you and we'll never be together, EVER EVER EVER again!!!!
(Sephiroth's theme starts to play)
Sephiroth:(Comes down from behind and stabs Aeris, killing her)
Cloud: MOTHER-F**KER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMNISLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Beats the s**t out of Sephiroth)
Sephiroth: You haven't seen the last of me! (Dematerializes)
(Aeris's theme starts to play)
Cloud:(Pulls an "INSTANT PLOT DEVICE" to her dead body. His tears are the water that makes the device work)
Aeris:(Comes back to life)
Cloud: I love you! (Tries to kiss her)
Aeris: No, Cloud. I don't want that RIGHT NOW.
Cloud: I just saved your f**king life! Isn't that good enough for you?!?!
Aeris: ........: F**k it!!!! (slashes a garbage can in half with his sword.)

(Meanwhie, in the parking lot)
Cid:(On the "General Lee", listening to the radio) S**t!
Radio announcer: We interrupt our program to bring you this bulletin. (Or some s**t like that) Rabid elk have just entered the camp grounds of Camp Ohmigodtheburgerbarked. Camper in that area are advised to be cautious. Now back to our music. (The Spice Girls start singing)
Cid: S**T!!!!!! (Turns off the radio) And that rabid elk thing kinda sucks, too! (Runs to tell the others)

(Meanwhile, under the ramada)
Cid:(Spriting rather quickly, considering he's covered in patches) GUYS!!!!!! I've got bad news! The camp's bein' invaded by rabid elk!
Barret: You f**kin' with us, foo'?!?!
Cid: No, @$$hole! I'm f**kin' serious!
Cloud: We should split up!

(They split into five pairs. Cloud and Aeris, Barret and Red XIII, Vincent and Yuffie, Cid and Cait Sith, and Jack and Tifa)
Cait Sith: Let's go!
Jack: Hey little lady! You're kinda hot!
Tifa:(Blushes)
(They split up)
Cid: Dammit!!! I need a smoke! (Pulls out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth. Lights his lighter)
Cait Sith: No! Don't! You'll overdose on nicotine!!!! (It's too late)
Cid:(Lights the cigarette, takes a drag, and collapses)
Cait Sith: D'oh!
Cid:(Having hallucination) Whoa! I'm trippin' with the Bradys!
Cait Sith:(Picks him up and carries him to the cabins)

(Meanwhile)
Barret: Where da' hell are dose elks!
Red XIII: Wait...... what's that?
Barret: S**T! There's five of 'em!!!!!
Red XIII: That's a horse, you idiot!
Cait Sith's voice:(Echoing through the wind) Thnk you, .... Captain.... Obvious.....
Barret and Red XIII: What in the hell?!?!

(Meanwhile)
Yuffie: I'm scared! Hold me, Vinny!
Vincent:(Grabs her breasts)

(Meanwhile)
Jack: Did anyone ever tell you that your tits wiggle when you walk?
Tifa: Leave me alone, you horny b*****d!
Jack: If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it againt me?
Tifa: Yes! I me, NO! You're old enough to be my grandpa!

(Meanwhile)
Cloud:(With extreme look of "I'm pissed off" on his face, hair more messed up than usual, clothes haven't been washed in three days and are wrinkled, big scab on face due to shaving accident. Not at all like himself) Why..........
Aeris: I told you..... I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW!!!
Cloud:(Pissed as all hell) INFORMATION THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN USEFUL BEFORE WE WENT OUT FOR A MONTH AND A HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Would you have done this to.... ZACK?
Aeris:(Cannot look him in the eye) ...

(Later)
Yuffie: Was it good for you?
Vincent: ...

(Meanwhile)
Cait Sith:(Coming back after dropping Cid off) He-ey! Red!! Barret!!! HOWDY HO!!!!!!
Barret and Red XIII: What are you doing here?
Cait Sith: Cid is having a hallucination! I dropped him off and decided to join you!
(Suddenly, a wierd yelping noise is heard)
Red XIII: Get down in the grass!!!!

(Meanwhile)
Tifa: You hear that?
Jack: No. I lost my teddy bear, will you sleep with.... MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! (Tripped over Barret's arm. Falls on his face. Barret's arm makes a large clank)
Barret: FOO'!!!!!!
Cait Sith: I think they heard us!
Tifa: Here they come!!!!

(Meanwhile)
Sephiroth:(Blowing elk call) Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They're falling for it!! They think I'm a rabid elk!! (Holds antlers to head)

(Meanwhile)
Yuffie: You see an elk?
Vincent:(See's Sephiroth parading as an elk) There's one!!! (Shoot's him)
Sephiroth: Ackkk!!! (Dematerializes)

(Meanwhile, Cid is having his nicoteen induced hallucination)
Cid:(Singing) The Brady bunch..... (Stops singing) Hey, where's Marcia?
Jan: Macia! Marcia!! Marcia!!!
Cid: S**T!!!!!!! My world is spinning! I'm gettin' nactious! Hey, who put all this f**kin' cotton in my mouth?
(Suddenly, every thing goes black)
Cid: F**K!!!! Who turned out the f**kin' lights?
Voice: You afraid of the dark?
Cid: F**k no!!!
Voice: Beware the Boogie Man!!! Beware the Boogie Man!!!!!
Cid: What the f**k?!?!
(The lights turn back on)
Boogie Man: Bleeeeh!!!!!
Cid: Holy s**t!!!! (Tries to pull out his spear, pulls out a giant toothpick instead) What the hell?! Where's my Venus Gospel?!?!
Boogie Man: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cid: Shut the F**K up!!!!!! (Stabs the Boogie Man with his toothpick)
Boogie Man: AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! (Disapears)
Cid: Where's the hell did the Bradys go?!?! Where's that Marcia babe?!?!?! (Suddenly, Cid sees a lucious, red-haired babe with really nice tits) Hey baby! Wanna handle my spear?
Babe: You mean your toothpick?
Cid: F**k you!!!
Babe: You wanna? (Notice the sexual inuendo)
Cid: HELL YA'!!!!!
(Suddenly, she transforms into a sweaty, hairy, cuban drug lord)
Fidel:(Smokin' big, fat, cuban cigar) Hahahahahaha!!!!!
Cid: Hey!!!! I can't have a smoke!!! You can't smoke either!!!!! YOU @$$HOLE!!!!!!!!
Fidel: He he he!
Cid: You son of a b***h!!!! (Lunges at him with toothpick)
Fidel:(Dodges) Hey, man, f**k you!!!! Commies, rush 'em!!!!!!
(Millions of commie b*****ds come rushing after Cid)
Cid: S**T!!!!!!! (Twirls his toothpick) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Kills all the commies)
Fidel: What?! (Pulls out a box of cigars) You lika'?!
Cid: #%$^)%*&_%^&(*&)*_(&(%*^&^%%@$^#*^*O^*&#^%@@%&$&^#^$#*^(*&_()+(_&^&$&%@#!&^*^#&%$(^(&*#^%#@&%^%&@#$%T^Y&U*$$*%)*^$#&^$%*^$&$&^$&^$*^(&(()*^(*%*^$&^%*^#&%#^$#^%*$^$@$*^^*(&*)&)*%*^#%%*&$&#&%@^#$&^%(&&)*&)*^(&$&%*(&$&%@%#@%##%$@%$#$T$*^^()*_*)(*)_*_(&)*^)&_^(&%*^$*&^(&%$&^$#^%#%!~@R#~!#@!%$$%&(&_*(_(#$%#&^^&*^$#@#$%^&*(&^(%^*%)$*^$)^&#&%#%#&%#()&#$&%#&^^)*&)(*_(*_+*_*_(*_(*$%#$*^#^$#^$#^%##^$@#$@#^$@@^$$*&)(*(+(_+_(*_(&)(^(*%*%$*^(%$#^@%$!%#~!#@^*$&$&%$#&%*&%^#^$@%#!$#@^$#(&%&)%$&#$%!@S~@#@$#^$^(&^&)(%&(*$%*^$&%#^@#!%!%#@^$#$%&$#&$%*%^&%^*&%*^#$%@$^@!^#&$&^$&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fidel: AH!!! MY EARS!!! MY HEAD!!!!! (His head explodes. The whole place is littered with confetti instead of blood)
Cid: What the f**k?!?! What the hell's goin' on?!
Voice: I don't know.
(Suddenly, a jar of peanut butter appears)
Cid: YEAH!!!!! PEANUT BUTTER!!!!!!!!! (Starts to sing) Peanut butter and jeeeeeeeeeeelly!!!!!!! (Stops singin') Hey, where's the jelly?!?! I like peanut butter!!!!
(Suddenly, a jar of grape jelly apears)
Cid: Yes!!!! I like peanut butter and jelly!!!! (Makes a sandwhich) Hell yeah!!! PEANUT BUUUTTER AND JEEEEEELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Eats the sandwhich) WEEEEEEEW!!!!! Hey, got milk?!?!
Voice: No!!!!
Cid: I WANT SOME F**KIN' MILK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Voice: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay.
Cid: Yes! I feel like chicken tonight! CHICKEN TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!
(A glass of milk appears)
Cid: WEEEEW!!!!! (Drinks the milk) Now I need some Dr. Pepper!!!!!!
Voice: What?!
Cid: Dr. Pepper! The best beverage of all time!!! Just, gimme a Dr. Pepper!!! I WANT IT!!!!
Voice: Fine, fine, fine!!!!
(Dr. Pepper appears)
Cid: Now I want some fruit cake!!!!
(Fruit cake appears)
Cid: Wait!! I don't want no f**kin' fruit cake!!! That s**t's stale when it comes out of the oven!! That s**t sucks!!!! (Destroys the fruit cake) I need my high school y-yearbook!!
Voice: Why?
Cid: I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!
Voice: I'm not giving you any thing else.
Cid: F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! Voice: Stop saying f**k!!!!
Cid: F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!! F**k!!!
Voice: That's it, leave this place!!!!
Cid:(Suddenly awakes from his hallucination) S**t!!! Where the hell am I!!!

(Meanwhile, back with the rabid elk thing)
Vincent: ....
Tifa: When did you get here!
Red XIII: Yuffie, what's that stain on your shorts?
Yuffie: Uhh...... nothing.....
Jack: That's it! I'm f**kin' pissed!!!! (Pulls a three iron out of his pants) YOU DAMN ELK CAN GO BACK TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG!!!!!!! (Opens a can of grade A Whup @$$ on the elk)
Tifa, Cait, Red, Barret, Vincent, and Yuffie:(Stand there staring with their jaws dropped)
Cid:(Comes running in with spear raised above his head) WEEEEEW!!!!!!! (Sees all the dead elk heaped in a pile) Hey!! What the f**k?!?! Why didn't you save any f**kin' elk for me, g******t?!?!?!
Jack: Sorry 'bout that.
Cid: I want the truth.
Jack: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Uhhh... sure..... But now I know what we'll be eating tomorrow!
Yuffie: EWWWW!!!!!!
Cloud: No, we won't be eating that tomorrow. LET'S BURN THIS PLACE DOWN!!!!!!
Mr. Ed: No, please, I....... (Is suddenly stabbed by a spear)
Cid:(With Mr. Ed impaled on his spear) Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! I always wanted to do that!!!
(They turn the place into a fiery mushroom cloud)
Cait Sith:(Roasting marshmallows on the fire)
Red XIII: We're near my home. Let's go to Cosmo Canyon!!!!!!

(On the way to Cosmo Canyon, they sit int the back of the "General Lee" playing travel "Yatzee")
Vincent:(Rolls the dice) YEEEES!!!!! FULL HOUSE!!!!!!!!
Tifa: Calm down Vincent. (Rolls the dice)
Vincent: You only rolled one six!!!! I'm still in the lead!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barret:(Grabs the dice) Calm down, sucka! (Drops a die) Sheet!!!! I drop'd a f**kin' die.
Vincent: YOU DID WHAT!!!!!! YOU #@%%$*^%$#%#^$%&^*&^(*^(*^%&$%^$&^%^#%#!$!@$@#%%!%$&^(*^(&^*(*^(^*^$&^%~~$%^%$&%*_)_+()*&*^&$%&^^%&^%$#$#%#~$#~$%%&$^~&%&^$%^#^%%#^%#&^(&*%^$#&()*&%**(^^$*&&^(*&^)()(*Y^()*&^%$^(*&^*$&&^(^(&(*_(*^%$^^&%^&*&(**)(*%^&&^*&*$&^()^&((*)*&((*&(&^())(*()*()*&()&)_&*()&(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cid: SHUT THE F**K UP BACK THERE!!!!!!!! I'm trying to listen to the F**KIN' radio!!!!!!!!
(Changes the station)
Annoying @$$ jingle: K. R. A. P. Krap- Radio!!!!! AM 666.
DJ:(In whitest voice possible) Yo, yo, yo, homey Gs!!!! You be chilling to K. R. A. P., sucker!!!!! This is you Groove Master, "Grand Master Seph"!!!!
All: Wha?!?!?!?!?!?!
Sephiroth: You just heard "Gangsta' Drug Runna'" by Snoof Doggy S**t featuring DJ Mixmaster Sir Scratchyourasslot, and every other rapper world (Cause they needed drug money)!!!!!!!! Cid: Hey, Cait!!!! Where's your cellular phone?
Cait Sith: ....no..... no...... no...... I wasn't there and I wasn't drunk!!!! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!!!! .....no.... noo ....NOO!!!!!! I'm not with Shin-ra anymore!!!!! Cancel that crack drop off!!!!! ....you heard me! ...yeah... no.... no..... F**K OFF!!!!!!!! (Hangs up) Here you go, Cid. (Hands it over)
Cid: What's the number for this station?
Barret: 1-800-BULL-S**T.
Cid:(Dails it up)
: Yo, yo, yo!! I be getting a call from my peeps!!!! What the dildo... I mean, dillyo? Cid: Stop talkin' like a f**kin' morron!!!!! You suck!!!! And so does the "music" you play!!!!! Sephiroth: Don't you make me do no drive by on your house!!! I pity the fool who talks smack about the S man!!!!!
Aeris: MUSIC?!?! You call that crap music?!?! RAP IS NOT MUSIC!!!!!!! It's just guys with no talent talking to a beat!!!!!!!!!!!
All: YEAH!!!!!!!!!
Barret: Hand ova' da' fone, sucka'!!!!!!!
Cid: Call me sucka' one more time and I'll kill you, G*DD****T!!!!!!!!!! (Hands over the phone)
Barret: Ay, Whitebread!!!!!! Ya' be thikin' ya' black but ya' is an albino!!!!!!! Ya' ain't know sheet, foo'!!!!!
Sephiroth: Don't you be talking smack like that, fool!!!!! You stepping up?! You want to start something?!
Barret: Foo'!!!!! You ain't got s**t dat you can do, yo'!!!!!! Why ya' evin dere, white boy?
Sephiroth: I be needing money, homeslice!!!! Or else I would be crusing with my bitch, yo'!!!!!!
Barret: Wateva'!!!! I be cappin' yo' @$$ lata', BIOTCH!!!!!!!!! (Hangs up)
Sephiroth: Who was that sucker?! The S man will be busting a fat cap in HIS @$$ later!!!! Then I be stealing his bitches, home dog!!!!
Cid: I'm gonna change the station.
Cait Sith:(Laughing his arse off) No..... don't....... It's..... too..... damn...... funny.........
Jack: What the freakin' hell?

(They finally reach Cosmo Canyon)
Red XIII: I'm finally home. Grandpa.... I'm home!!!!!!

(They all rush to see Bugenhagen)
Bugenhagen: Nanaki!!!! You've come home!!!!!
Cait Sith and Red XIII: Thank you, Captain Obvious!!!!!
Bugenhagen: Hey, let's go look at the Huge Materia!!!!!
Cloud: Why?!?!
Bagenhagen: 'Cause we can!!!!! But Nanaki, I'd like you to meet your estranged, hispanic cousin, Rojo dieciseis.
Rojo: Hola, como se llamas?
Red XIII: Did he just call me an @$$hole?!?!
Rojo: Tu eres mi primo!
Red XIII: He's insulting me!!!! THAT D**K!!!!!!!!
Rojo: Me gusta comer parquimetros y relojs!!
Red XIII: Listen here you $&%$*^^*(^%@#%#&^%^*&*(*){*()*&*(%^@%^$*(&^)*(&^)*(&)*^^*#^&%#^$$&^*^*()&)(^&(*$&^$%&(^&*(%&^%^*(^*()&^6()*^*(^(*&^&(*^FJGF^&*(^&(^&)*&^*()&)*(&)*(&)*&(*%&^#@$%#VC(*&%*&%*^$%*^$&^$#^%@#^%$&^4654E%$75$&%$%*^^*(&()*&^(*^&)&)*^(*&%*&%*(&^)*&)*YO*GKH$#%#%$&%@%$@^$$#&%%(&&^()*&^$*^FG$&%%(&%*^%^(&^)*&^)*%$#^%@#%#~$1~$@~$@!^$#&^*%(*^)*@%^~##68%*%!#2354`@#&^(^(&$^*^(*&~1@^^*&(&)*%&#^$$^&*)^#@$%^&*(!@#$%^&*@#$%^&*(@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()_(#@!@#&*()&^@#$%^&*()*&!@#$%^&*(&^#@!@#$%^&*(#@!#$%^&*(^#@!#$%^&*(&^%$#@!#$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tifa: Whoa!! Red XIII pulled a Cid!!!!!!
Rojo: Me gusta tu madre!!! Ella es mi puta!!!!! Tu abuela es mi alcahuete!!!!!!!
Red XIII: That's better.
Cid: What'd you say?
Rojo: Yo tengo intestinos flojos!!!
Cid: YOU SON OF A 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TALK LIKE A MAN!!!!!!!!!! (Kicks him in the nuts)
Rojo: Ay Caramba!!! Mi juevos!!!!! Mi juevos!!!!!!!!
Tifa: If you don't talk like a man....
Cloud: .... I'll chop them off!!
Rojo: Mi visto conmayas y capa!!!!
Tifa: Talk, or.....
Aeris: ..... I'll rip them off!!
Rojo: Mi cabesa es quesa!!!!!
Tifa: Stop talkin' like a puss.... or....... I'll smash them!!!
Rojo: Tengo que ir a la tienda de compra montequilla y queso!!!!!
Red XIII: SHUT UP!!!!!!!! I'm not related to you!!!! And if I was, you'll be dead soon!!!!!! (Mauls Rojo dieciseis)
Bugenhagen: Nanaki!!!!! You must go to the Cave of the Gi to get the Eurocentric Materia!!!! That way, your cousin will speak english!!!!!
Red XIII:(Stops mauling Rojo) Alright, let's mosey!!!!!
Cid: Damn, again!!! Stop sayin' it like a wimp!!!!! Can't you say 'Move out!' or something!!!!!
Red XIII: Move out!!!!
(They leave)
Bugenhagen: Good!!! They're gone!!!! (Pulls out a can of Vasiline) Ho ho hoooooo!!!!!!!! (Goes into the bathroom)

(In the f**kin' cave of the Gi)
Red XIII: You have to be careful around here. This place is full of ghosts of the Gi!!
Cid: What the f**k are the Gi?!?!
Red XIII: A dead tribe that tried to take over Cosmo Canyon.
Yuffie: G-g-g-g-g-ghosts?!?!?!?!
Vincent: Don't worry, sweety.... (They hug)
Tifa: Hold me, Cloud.
Cloud:(Hugs Tifa)
Aeris:(Looks the other way)
(Suddenly, a loud, unsteady beat is heard in the background)
Jack: You here that?
Yuffie: Maybe it's the ghosts!!!!!
Jack: Ghosts, huh?! Wait till they getta load of me!!!!!!!
(Suddenly, M.C. Hammer parachutes down in his extremly large pants)
Hammer: 2 ligit 2 quit!!!!
Voice in background: Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em!!!!!
Hammer: Can't touch this!!!!
Aeris: Who'd want to?!?!
(Bats surround them)
Yuffie: Ewwww!!!! Bats..... (Pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: Aw, come on!!!!!! (Starts to maul Yuffie)
(They get surrounded by Tupac, Vanilla Ice, Chris Cross, Will Smith, Shaq, Sinbad, Dr. Dre, and Snoop Doggy Dogg)
Snoop: What's my name, now?
Rappers: Snoop Doggy Dog!!!!!
Snoop: What's my name now?!
Rappers: Snoop Doggy Dogg!!!!!!
Snoop: What's my name now?!?!
Rappers: Snoop Doggy Dogg!!!!!!!!!
Snoop: No, I'm serious, what's my name now?!?!?!
Cloud: That was fun......
All: For about the first three seconds!!!!!!
Will: Let's get jiggy with it!!!!!
Cait Sith: What the hell does that mean?!?!?!
Will: I..... I don't know......
Tupac: Don't..... don't worry about, dawg!!!!!!
Ice: Ninja.. ninja RAP!!!!!
The ninja turtle:(Jump in and start dancing)
Cid: What the f**k is this, a circus SIDE SHOW!!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: Aww, come on, Old Man!!!!! Lets get down!!!!!!!! (Starts to dance)
Cid: Stop calling me Old Man, you THIEVING WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Starts to give her a beat down)
Vincent: ......... Cid.........
Cid: Don't bother me!!!!!!!! (Keeps kicking Yuffie's thieving @$$)
Snoop: Bow wow wow, yippie yo, yippie yay!!!!!!!!!
Jack: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!
Rappers: ........?
Chris Cross: Come with us!!!!!!! (Grab Vincent)
Yuffie:(Broken and bruised) ... Vinny!!!!!!!!!
Chris Cross: He's wit us now!!!!!!! (Drag Vincent away)
Vincent: .....Help.......
Yuffie: Vinny!!!!!!! (Gets kicked in the stomach by Sinbad)
Sinbad: I've got no idea why I'm here.
Yuffie: You won't be for long!!!!!!! ALL CREATION!!!!!!!!!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: We;ve never seen All Creation and therefore have no idea what it looks like.
Sinbad:(Gets blown away)
Tupac: Sheet, foo's!!!!! Lets get us outta hea'!!!!!!!
(They get out of there)
Yuffie: VINNY!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Don't worry, we'll find him!!!!!
Yuffie:(Blows her nose with a hankey embrodered with the name "Vincent J. Valentine" and pulls out Shiva materia she stole from him) A least I have something to remember him by.... (Blows her nose again)
Cloud: There's an odd shaped rock..... (Breaks it open)
(A door opens)
Red XIII: You found it on the first try?!?!?!?!
Cait Sith: It's not like it's to hard.
Jack: Lets hurry up so we can get out of this hell hole!!!!!
(They walk thourgh the door)
Gi Natak:(Floats in) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Shut up!!!!! (Throws a Phoenix Down at it)
Gi Natak: Oh...... poopy.......... (Dies)
(Suddenly, Mr. T busts in wearing one white glove)
Mr. T: I pity the foo' who dies afta' gettin' hit with a phoenix down!!!!!!! I'm da' reel boss here!!!!!!!!
Barret:(Blows his head off) Sucka'!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: And say hi to your brother, Tito!!!!!!!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Why'd we do that, you ask? BECAUSE WE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!
(THey rip the Eurocentric Materia from Mr. T's pocket)
Cait Sith: I wonder why he never used it?
(They start to leave)
Yuffie: Wait, what's that noise?!?!
Cloud: Oh my god!!!! It's Chris Cross!!!!!! And they got Vincent!!!!!!!!!
(Chris Cross appear with Vincent)
Vincent:(With clothes on backwards and a gaint bong) Warm it up, Chris!!!!!
Chris: I'm about to!!!!!!
(The other rappers appear)
Snoop: Yo', yo', yo'!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: Vincent!!!!!! Come back!!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Grab him, and let's go!!!!!!
Cloud:(Grabs Vincent and they drag him out)
Jack: They're closing in on us!!!!! You guys leave, I'll hold them off!!!!!!!
Red XIII: You sure?
Jack: Yeah, now go!!!!!!!!
(They escape)
Aeris: What a brave man!!!!!!
Yuffie: Vincent!!!!! Are you alright?
Vincent:(Takes a hit on the bong) Yo', yo', yo'!!!!!!!!
Cloud: You need to go to rehab!!!!!!

(Meanwhile, on another road. Sephiroth and his clones are taking a road trip of their own)
Sephiroth: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of those odd jobs have paid off!!!!!! I finnally have enough money for my master plan!!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Clone7: Sephiroth...... stop... the....car..... I..... have...... to....... pee.........
Sephiroth: @!%#@^%$%*^%(&^*()^^$#%#DG%^&$^&%(*&%^%*^$^%$^%^&(FGY&Y(*&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Pulls over. Clone7 gets out, squeezes out three drops of piss, then gets back in)
Sephiroth: What's wrong with you? (Starts the car back up)
Clone4: I...... have........ to...... piss....too..... pull..... over.... Great.... Sephiroth........
Sephiroth: S**T!!!! Couldn't you have gone with the other clone?!?!
(Pulls over. Clone4 gets out, takes a five second wiz, then gets back in)
Sephiroth: F**K!!!!! You stupid @$$holes are holding us up!!! See that turtle up there, we passed it this morning!!!!!!! (Starts the car)
Turtle: Dum de, dum de, dum. Slow in steady wins the race. (Gets run over by a dune buggy)
Clone9: Sephiroth.... roll.... down.... window,...... I...... farted.......
Sephiroth: S**T!!!!! (Rolls down a window. Gets a wif of it) Well f**k me up the @$$ with a fork!!!!!!!! (Rolls down all windows and the sunroof)
Clone11: Sephiroth..... I... have... to.... s**t............ NOW..... Great.... Sephiroth......
Sephiroth: S**t in the car!!!!!!! It couldn't smell much worse!!!!!!!
(Suddenly, sirens are heard in the background)
Sephiroth: Son of a..... (Gets pulled over)
Cop #1: License and registration, please.
Sephiroth: Ah, s**t!!!! Must've left it in my other black cape!!!!!
Cop #2: Step out of the vehicle please.
Sephiroth:(Steps out of the vehicle)
Cop #1: Breath into the breathilizer, please.
Sephiroth:(Breaths into the breathilizer)
Cop #1: It's .90 on the breathilizer.
Cop #2: That's 9 counts of D.U.I. (.90 times 10 equals 9)
Sephiroth: It's the mako, I tell you!!!!! Why don't you arrest some real criminals!!!!!!!
(Reno drives by in his sports car: doing 190 in a 45 zone, chucks an empty bottle of Jack Daniels out the window, hits one of the clones, kills a musk rat, runs over the turtles carcas, and keeps on goin')
Sephiroth: ARREST HIM!!!!!!! That was speeding, D.W.I., Hit and run, manslaghter, disrespect for the dead, and littering!!!!!! Arrest him!!!!!! ARREST HIM, I TELL YOU!!!!!!!!
Cop #1: We can't arrest HIM!!!!! We work for him!!!!!! (Whips out a crack pipe)
Cop #2: Yeah. (Pulls out a bong)
Sephiroth: You call THIS justice?!?!?!?!?!
Cop #1&2: Yes!!!!!!! (Shoot up heroine)
Sephiroth:(Dripping with sarcasm) Then just arrest me.
Cop #1&2: Okay!!!!!!
Sephiroth: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Back in Bugenhagen's observitory)
Bugenhagen:(Coming out of the bathroom with a smile on his face)
Red XIII: Grandpa!!!!!! We're home!!!!!
Bugenhagen: WHA!!!!!!!!!!!! Your....... your back.......
Cloud: We got the Eurocentric materia.
Aeris: But at a great cost......
Tifa: Poor Jack......
Red XIII: Where's Rojo Dieciseis?
Bugenhagen: HE'S GONE!!!!!!!!!! He must have left while I was.... uh....... "BUSY".......
Cid: S**T!!!!!!!
Red XIII: So that was pointless?
Cait Sith: Thank you, Captain Obvious!!!!!

(Meanwhile, at the Shinra Headquarters)
Hiedegger:(Burst in to Rufus' office) Mr. Prestident!!!!!!
Rufus:(Tightening the belt on his arm) Do you mind?!?! KNOCK FIRST!!!!!!!!!
Hiedegger: Sorry, sir. Gyahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rufus:(Sticking the needle into his arm) STOP THAT STUPID HORSE LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hiedegger: Gya....
Rufus:(Ignighting his bong) What do you want, now...
Hiedegger:(Pulls out his crack pipe) Our workers are on strike!!!!!!
Rufus:(Pulls his mouth off the bong) What?!?!?! (Looks out the windows)

(Out side)
Strike Leader: DOWN WITH RUFUS!!!!!!! DOWN WITH SHIN-RA!!!!!!!!!! HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!!!!!!!!!!!
Wimpy Shin-ra trooper: DISPERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pickiter: HELL NO, WE WON'T GO!!!!!!!!!! (Hits him in the face)
Trooper: The final pose...... (Dies)
Strike Leader: BLOODY S**T!!!!!!!!!

(Back in Rufus' office)
Rufus: Holy schnikies!!!!!! What're we gonna do?!?!? (Rolls a joint)
Hiedegger: Shoot 'em..... WITH THE BIG @$$ CANNON!!!!!!!!!!! (Takes some Acid)
Palmer:(Bursts in) WHERE'S MY LARD?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Rufus: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Palmer and Hiedegger:(Thinking) I know who can solve this problem. (They leave)
Fat, ugly bitch:(Who's name happens to be Monica, walks in) Hello, Mr. President!
Rufus: Ah, my intern!!!!!!!

(Meanwhile, back in Cosmo Canyon)
Vincent: Hey, hey, hey!!!! Hommie Gs!!!!!!!!
Cloud: I know you used to be with Shin-ra! And you've taken a lot of drugs in your life! But you need to get over this dead bitch that's haunting you and get on with your life! We're taking you to rehab!!!!!
Vincent: What the dillyo? You can't be doin' this to me!!! You m' peeps!!!! You m' peeps!!!!!
Cait Sith: We better hurry, he's getting worse!

(Back to Sephiroth's problem)
Sephiroth:(Being dragged into the hearing room at Shin-ra Headquarters) Wait a second!!!!
Troop 1:(Knocks on the door)
Rufus' voice: Oh, Monica!!!!!!!!
Monica's voice: Mmmmmph!!!!!!!
Rufus' voice: Yes!!!!!!!
Monica:(Gulp)
Troop 2:(Knocks on the door)
Rufus: What?!?!?!
Troop 1: Sephiroth is here to see you.
Rufus: Fine, fine.
Monica:(Walks out of the office with a mysterious stain on her dress. Thinks to herself) I have to send this dress to my mom.
Sephiroth: You can't do this!!!!! This is unconstitutional!!!!!!!
Rufus: And trying to distroy the whole world is?!?!?! Leave us!!!!!
Troopers:(Leave)
Sephiroth: IT'S THE MAKO I TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rufus: I should have you executed..... but since you know what happened to me.......
Sephiroth: .... let me go?
Rufus: Deport you. Now, I'd send you to Cuba, but that'd mess up my drug deals. .... I KNOW!!!!!!!! I'll send you to Icicle Inn!!!!!!
Sephiroth: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Rufus: Get the hell outta here!!!!! (Lights up his crack pipe)
Troops:(Drag Sephiroth away)
Sephiroth: I'LL GET YOU!!!!!!!!
(Doors slam)
Rufus: F**k off!!!!!!! (Takes a hit on his crack pipe) Now.... about that strike.....

(Down at the picket line)
Angry Workers: DOWN WITH RUFUS!!!!!!!! DOWN WITH SHIN-RA!!!!!!!!!! HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!!!!!!!!
Evector:(Flying in on a toxic fart cloud) I'll handle this!!!!!!! (Jumps off) I AM........ EVECTOR!!!!!!!! (FART!!!!!!!) I'll get rid of you all!!!!!!! (Gets hit by a Diesel Truck)
Diesel Truck:(Transforms into Optimus Prime) I AM NOT A DANM APE!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Flies off)
Evector: What the?!?!?! Oh well!!!!!! Behold the power of...... THE ULTIMA FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Let's out a gigantic fart, blowing up half of Midgar)
Rufus:(Crawling out of the rubble, somehow surving) Who.... did.... this....
Evector:(Pulls off his mask, revealing the face of Hiedegger) It's me!!!! By the power of my Magic Mushrooms, I am EVECTOR!!!!!!!! (Farts at Rufus, causing him to melt in a puddle of goo) Now, where's that Hojo bastard?!?!
Hojo: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My exeperiment was a complete success!!!!!!!
Hiedegger:(Picking up Hojo by his neck) No it wasn't!!!!!!! 'Cause you're a dips**t!!!!!!!!!! I'm the leader of Shin-ra now!!!!! And here's my new head of the science division!!!!!
Rojo:(Runs in) HOLA!!!!! Como estan ustedes?
Hiedegger: Yeah, whatever..... Put this @$$hole into a test tube and experiment on HIM!!!!!!!
Rojo: El es un asno sucio!!!!! Si, mi gusta chicas con chi-chis grande!!!!!!
Hiedegger: GYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Meanwhile, outside rehab)
Vincent:(Walks out with short, blonde hair, blues eyes, glasses, Tommy Hilfiger clothes, Nike shoe, a Motorolla pager, and a rolex) Hello, my friends!
All: VINCENT?!?!?!?!?!
Vincent: Why are all you so suprised?
Yuffie: Uhhhh....
Vincent: Guy's, do you mind if I get something off my chest?
Cloud: Uhhhh..... sure.......
Vincent: Well, when I was still with Shin-ra......

(Three hours later)

Vincent: .....and that's the hole story.
Cid:(Snoring and drooling)
Cloud: Vincent..... SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vincent: Don't be so rude, you could hurt my self esteem.
Cait Sith: Self esteem? What's that?!?!
Barret: Sounds like wat a damn spy wood say, foo!
Cait Sith: BITE ME!!!!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: I don't know, Cait!!!!! That'd be a pretty big bite!!!!!! Maybe if I were a T-rex, or something!!!!!!!
Cait Sith: I'm not fat!!!!! I just haven't grown into my body yet, you skinny little b***h!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moogle:(Uppercuts Yuffie 10-feet into the air)
Cid:(Wakes up) Uh..... Let's get the hell outta here and get something to eat!!!!!!!!!
Vincent: I could cook up something wonderful. Caviar, patee, Filet Mignon, Strawberry Tarts,...
All: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!
(Hop into the General Lee)
Radio Anouncement: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After years of planning, my theme park is finally completed!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Barret, why the hell are we listening to K.R.A.P.!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barret:(Changing the station) It's on every station!!!!!!!!!
Sephiroth: Come to...... JENOVA WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!! Where a genetically mutated freak can be a genetically mutated freak!!!!!!! (Click)
Cloud: Shut up!!!!!!
Tifa: That explains why he was working all those odd jobs. He had to pay for the relocation of Jenove World!!!!!!!
Cloud: We have to get there quickly!!!! Let's go get the Highwind!!!!!!

(Later, on the Highwind)
Yuffie: Ugh... gurk.... (Pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!! Your never gonna puke on me again!!!!! Prepare to die, b***h!!!!!!!!! (Mauls Yuffie)
Vincent:(See's what's happening) Yuffie!!!!!!!!! (Transforms back to normal) GET OFFA HER!!!!!!! (Kicks Red XIII off Yuffie)
Yuffie: Vincent.... you're back!!!!!!
Vincent: And I've got my fifth limit break.... Prepy, annoying, rich, little, son-of-a-b***h!!!!!!! Now, let's go get Sephiroth!!!!
Cloud: Move out!!!!!
Cid: YES!!!!!!!!!! IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

(They make they're way to Jenova World. Meanwhile, at Jenova World)
Sephiroth:(Giving a tour to a bunch of Japanesse tourists) And in this ride, you get to stab a innocent girl in the back while she's praying. I call it "The Pussy"!!!!!!
Japanesse tourists:(Take millions of pictures of it)
Sephiroth: In this ride, you get to play with some guy's mind until he doesn't know who he is anymore. I call it "The @$$hole"!!!!!!!!
Japaneese tourists:(Take tons more pictures)
Sephiroth: In this ride, you slaghter innocent women and children while burning down a small town. It's called "The Psychopathic, Murdering son-of-a-b***h"!!!!!!!
(Suddenly, the Highwind lands on the Japanesse tourists)
All:(Rush out of the Highwind)
Cloud: It's payback time!!!!!
Sephiroth: Wait..... stop.... I've got an attraction I know you'll like!!!!! "Kick Reno in the Nuts", only 2 gil!!!!!!
Aeris: Let's try it!!! Come on!!!!!!!
Cid: We'll be over here, Cloud!!!!! This is your bitch!!!!
Reno: NO!!!!!! Wait.... slap an I.V. of morphine into my @$$!!!!!!!
Cathal: And what a nice @$$ it is!!!!!!
Cloud: Sure. Say good-bye, Sephiroth.... (Pulls out his sword)
Sephiroth: What're you gonna do?
Cloud:(Puts on a black cape) Remember Niblehiem!!!!!???? (Sephiroth's theme starts to play) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs up to "The Meteor", Sephiroth's lame @$$ rollercoster, and chops down the support structure. It crashes into Jenova World. Three minutes later, the whole place is a flaming, rubble-filled hole in the ground)
Sephiroth:(Sitting in the middle, crying) Why.........
Cloud: BECAUSE I COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sephiroth: He destroyed my Theme park, killed Cathal, and has better hair then mine. I'll never forgive him!!!!!
Cloud: That's okay, cause your dead any way!!!!!!!!! (Chops him in half)

(Later, on the Highwind)
Aeris:(Runs up to Cloud) Cloud...
Cloud: What do you want?!
Aeris: Cloud. I've been thinking. I was wrong!!!! I should have never broken up with you! I know that you have your problems but I understand now and I love you. So, will you take me back?
Cloud: Aeris, I'm sorry.....
Aeris: You're sorry?
Cloud: Yeah. I'm sorry that bug up your @$$ had to die!!!!!!
Aeris and Cloud:(Laugh together)

(Meanwhile, in the Gelnika)
Tseng: Whew!! At least we got out of there alright!!!
Elena: Yeah!!! But if you're out here, who's flying this thing?
Turks: RENO!!!!!!!!
Reno:(Hooked up to an I.V. of morphine. Voice slurred) WEEW!!!!!! I'm okaaaaaaay!!!!!!! Pass me the peanut butter!!!!!! Look at the preeeeeeeeetty mountain!!!! I bet we can fly right through it!!!!!!!!
Turks: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! (Splat!!!!!)

The End- For Now
Hope you enjoyed the fic. E-mail me and tell me what you thought of it. And remember, until lives can be fixed and broken hearts mended without the use "Instant Plot Devices", I shall remain;

The Master of My Own Illusionary World,

Cloud Strife

Nibelhiem

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