Sephiroth's Birthday
By Cloud Strife and Cait Sith

(At Shinra Tower Meeting Room.)
Announcer's voice: Would Hojo, Scarlet, Heidegger, Reeve, Palmer, and the Turks (sans the rum, Reno!) report to 69th floor meeting room!
Reno:(In a drunken stupor) What the hell do you want?!
Rufus: Several invitations were sent to this tower for a birthday party
Hojo:Oopps! I forgot again! @#$%&^%&&%&!
Palmer:Cake and ice cream! Don't forget the LARD!!!
Everybody:Shut up fat@$$!
Reeve:(Thinks to himself) I gotta warn Cloud!
***
(At Cosmo Canyon.)
Bughenhagen:So you're finally visiting Nanaki?
Red XIII:Actually, we just wanted to look at your machine!
Bughenhagen:Someday I'll be gone, and you'll regret misstreating me!!
Cloud:(Comes in with stackful of invitations) We're in trouble guys!
Aeris:What happened, Cloud?
Cloud:Sephiroth's birthday party is in three days! We gotta do something, Aeris!
Tifa:grrr.... WHY IS IT ALWAYS AERIS!!!! I can help too.
Aeris:What could you Double D!? Bounce them around with your fake breasts!?
Tifa:At least I have breasts, ya Ancient B****!
Aeris:I do, I just don't flaunt them around like a 2-cent whore!!!!
Tifa and Aeris:(Knock each other out at the same time!)
Cloud:(runs over to Aeris) Aeris, are you alright?!
Tifa:(grumbles unconciously) Why is it always Aeris?
***
(At Shinra mansion, in Nibelhiem.)
Sephiroth:I hope everybody comes to my party; and I hope Tifa's wearing something really tight! This is the perfect plan, MWAHAHAHA! I'll kill Cloud! I'll kill Aeris! I'll kill daddy, and Rufus too! I'll finally get some from Tifa! I'll be one with the planet, and all their spirits will be MINE! I'll be able to do more than fly around smush rocks!(laughs menighically for a while)
Fat neighbor in underwear:What the hell's so goddamn funny?! Keep it down, sonny!
***
(Cosmo Canyon.)
Barret:The hell's going on, Cloud?
Cloud:We're all going to Sephiroth's to stop him, right now!
Tifa:And I suppose you're going to be taking Aeris to the party as your date?
Cloud:I'll take you, Tifa, if you insist.
Tifa:Really, Cloud?(Face lights up with joy)
Cloud:Sure Teef; just don't hurt Aeris anymore.
Tifa:Al...Alright Cloud.
RedXIII:(Licking himself)
Cid: Why the hell do always lick yerself, ya disgustling F***!!!!!!
RedXIII:Cause I can!
Vincent:Shouldn't we get going?
Cloud:Alright everyone, let's mosey!
Cid:Damn! Again! Stop saying it like a wimp! Can't you say "Move out" or something?
Cloud:Move out!(All jump on highwind and head for Nibelhiem)
Bughenhaghen:Hey! Where's the huge materia? Yuffie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Materia B***!!!!!!!!!!
***
(At Shinra Tower.)
Reno:(Still drunk off his @$$) Dahhhh, are we going to Sephiroth's party?
Tseng:Yeah, why not?
***
(Nibelhiem.)
Sephiroth:Ahhh, they're arriving!
The Turks enter.
Elena:Yay! Let's party! C'mon Tseng!
Reno:Elena, stop acting so weak!
Elena:Goddammit Reno! I'll kill you ya drunken bastard!
Rude:Elena, you talk too much!
Sephiroth:Turks? Why are you @$$holes here? I didn't invite you?
Tseng:We came because it's our job!
Sephiroth:Get out of here before I summon SUPER NOVA!
Turks(Run like hell)
(Avalanche appears.)
Cloud:What are you up to, Sephiroth?
Sephiroth:Wouldn't you like to know, Mr. Poopy pants?
Cid:I saw Rude running out of hear with piss all over his pants!
Sephiroth:They weren't invited!
Yuffie:Ha Ha Ha! Rude pissed his pants again!(Huge materia falls out of her pockets and rolls over to Sephiroth)
Cloud:(gasps)Pick it up and you die!(Draws sword-Ultima Weapon!)
Sephiroth:(Kicks materia over to Cloud) I don't want to fight today!
RedXIII:(Stops mauling Yuffie) What?!
Cid:Lyin' F***!
Aeris:What DO you want Sephiroth?
Sephiroth:I just want to have a party! I don't have any REAL parents, and you guys are the closest thing I have to friends!!!
Vincent:What about Ho-
Cloud:(cuts him off) What do you want us to do?
Sephiroth: I just want a real birthday party! As a child, the only people who went to my parties were Hojo and his science experiments!
Vincent:What about Luc-
Cloud:(cuts him of again) Shut the hell up!
Aeris:What happened to you next, Sephiroth?
Sephiroth:The cake was uglier than the hinges of hell! When I tried to blow out the candles, my hair caught on fire, and all my presents went aflame! I never got my Optimus Prime, Super Nintendo, or Lightsaber because of those stupid candles! Then the pony kicked me in the nuts, and the clown laughed at me, (then I stepped on his big@$$ shoe!), the pony pissed in punch bowl and I drank it, then I puked all over Hojo's lab coat and he said I would never get another party EVER, EVER, EVER!
Fat Neighbor in Underwear:(Walks in room) Didn't I tell ya to keep it down, Sonny? Hey! Ain't these them guys you were gonna kill? Cloud, Aeris, and weren't ya gonna have your way wit' dat Tifa chick?
Sephiroth:(Kicks fat nieghbor guy in nuts) Get outta here ya big FAT@$$!
Cloud:How dare you threaten Aeris!
Tifa:WHY IS IT ALWAYS AERIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He said he was gonna have his way with me! I HATE you Cloud!!!!(Storms out angrily)
Sephiroth:I was only joking
Cait Sith:That's a piss poor excuse, ya coward!
Yuffie:You tell um, Kaitty!
Cait Sith:(Yells through Megaphone into Yuffie's ear) STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!!!! MATERIA B****!!!!!!!
Vincent:Leave her alone, KAITTY!!!
Cait Sith:(Through Megaphone) I SEE AN @$$KICKING IN YOUR FUTURE IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!
Cid:This party SUCKS! There ain't even no @#$%^&*@#$%^&*&^%$#@#$%^&*&^%$#@#$%^&*(*^&%$#@$@# tea!!!
Barret:What are you, a woman!? Men don't drink tea, ya FAGGIT!!!!
Cid: Why don't you get your @$$ back to the 'hood before I kick it!!!
Barret:......
Aeris:(ignoring all this B.S.) I'll forgive you, Sephiroth.
Cloud:I WON'T!!!! OMNISLASH!!!(Cloud goes to town with his sword on poor Sephy)
Sephiroth:(Crawls broken and bleeding out of the room)
Aeris:Let's have a party anyway!(Lights turn on, disco ball appears, Cloud and Aeris start dancing to "My Endless Love")
***
(At the Nibelhiem Reactor.)
Sephiroth:(Sitting in front of Jenova with a "Barney" party hat on, covered in blood and tears. He's got a cupcake lit with a single candle sitting in front of him. His poor, evil heart is broken. He is crying as he sings) Happy Birthday to me... Happy Birthday to me.... Happy Bir-(bursts into tears)
Tifa:(Walks in) Poor Sephy... Sephiroth, I need a favor from you...
Sephiroth:(still crying) You're not going to hurt me, are you?
Tifa: No, I need you to do something for me.
Sephiroth:What?
Tifa:I need you to kill Aeris, so Cloud and I can be together!
Sephiroth:(miserably) What's in it for me?
Tifa:(Wipes his tears away and kisses his cheek) PLEEEEAAAASE!
Sephiroth:Alright!
Tifa:(winks at him) Thank you, Sephy! (slowly leaves)
Sephiroth:(Rips off his "Barney" hat and crushes his cupcake, stands up and does a jig, then flies out the window, screaming) YAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
***
(At Tifa's house.)
Tifa:(sitting on her bed, crying)
Cloud:(Walks in) Are you alright, Tifa?
Tifa:(Stands up and slowly embraces Cloud) I am now Cloud.
Cloud:(holds her tight) I'm sorry Teef.
Tifa:It's alright Cloud, everything is alright now.(smiles evily behind his back)