FF7 in the WWF
By Dyne

(At the Battle Arena in the Gold Sacuer.)
Vince: Welcome to the Final Fantasy 7/WWF wrestling matches, I'm Vince McMahon!
Jim: I'm Jim Ross! We have six matches for you tonight!
Vince: First up there's a cage match between the two animals, Red XIII and Cait Sith.
Cait Sith: Hey! I'm a ROBOT cat!
Jim: Good enough. After that is a tornado between the four Turks! Reno and Rude vs. Elena and Tseng!
Vince: Third is the match that everyone wants to see, Tifa vs. Aeris!
Jim: That's right Vince, every time Aeris and Tifa fight all hell breaks loose.
Vince: And that's what it's all about!
Jim: Entertainment!
Vince: No, profit. After that is another tornado, but with weapons!
Jim: Barret and Dyne vs. Rufus and Scarlet.
Author's note: Since Dyne's in this fic I'll be making comments using my real name.
Jim: Our only tag team match is after that, Cid + Dav vs. Yuffie + Vincent!
Author's note: All of you should know who Dav Cole is by now.
Vince: hat's right Jim, only this match will be fought in mashed potatoes!
Another Author's note: Remeber this from FF7 in Hawaii?
Vince: Our last match is a one-on-one weapons match, Cloud vs. Sephiroth!
Jim: That has to be interesting. But we have nothing to do before the first match starts, our interviewer isn't here.
Dave: (Runs in) I'll fill in for 'im.
Vince: Who're you?
Dave: The author, who else? (Runs out)
Jim: Alright then, while the ring is being set up we'll speak with some of our real wrestlers.

(In the locker room)
Dave: I'm in here with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
Stone Cold: You're damn right!
Dave: Stone Cold, who do you think'll win the first match?
Stone Cold: I don't care, I'd win if I were in there!
Dave: This is a fanfic Stone Cold, you'll be in the next real wrestling match. (Or about as close to real as it'll be)
Stone Cold: I don't @$^#$ care! I want to kick somebody's @$$!
Cid (Runs in): Hey you #$^$#$% shut up you $%&^!&@%&^#$&@%#$%&^!&@%&^#$()*()#%&*#$^(@$&@%#$%&^!&@%&^#$&@%#$%&^!&@%&^!&@%&^#$&@%#$%&^!&@%&^#$&@%#$%&^!&@%&^#$!@%(@$!^()@*%^)(@$^&@$&@%#$%&^!&@%&^#$&@%#$%&^!&@%&^#$&@%#$%&^!&@%&^#$&@%#$%&^!&@%&^#$&@%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stone Cold: Hell yeah! Somebody who speaks my kinda language!
Cid: Damn right! Let's go get some f***ing tea!
Stone Cold: What kind of pussy man drinks tea!
Cid: S**t! S**t! S**t! Get the hell outta here! (Shoves spear up his @$$)
Stone Cold: AAAAAHHHHH!!!! MY @$$! MY f***ing @$$! It's in pain! And that's the bottom line 'cause Stone cold said so! (Runs out)
Dave: Thanks Cid.
Cid: Don't mention it. (Opens a can of hash) I'm the f***ing best. And that's the bottom line 'cause Cid Highwind said so! (Applause is heard).
Cid: (Rolls up some hash and lights it)
Dave: You smoke hash?
Cid: #%&@$%&@$%*@$^&*!#%(@%&!^*(@$%@$*@!!!!!!!!!!
Dave: (Runs out to avoid Cid's fury on his @$$)
Author's note: Now we know what he does with all that hash.

(Back to the ring)
Vince: Time for the first match!
Jim: In corner one! From Cosmo Canyon, Nanaki!
Red XIII: How do I let them talk me into these?
Jim: And in corner two! From unkown, Cait Sith!
Cait Sith: Why am I here? Where's my agent!
Cid: It wasn't my fault! (Rolls up some more hash)
Cait Sith: Thank you Captain Obvious.
Referee (whose name happens to be Delita): The first contestant to climb out of the cage wins. Fight!
(Bell rings)

(It's a typical match until...)
Red XIII: (Tries to bite Cait Sith)
Cait Sith: (Jumps on top of Red and pulls his mane)
Red XIII: (Sets Cait Sith on fire with his tail)
Cait Sith: (Pours water on himself and short circuits)
Red XIII: Uh oh...
Cait Sith: (Explodes)
Delita: Nanaki wins by default!
Cait Sith 3: Not on your life! (Hops off the moogle and climbs into the cage.)
Red XIII: Not fair! He has full health!
Cait Sith: So what! (Grabs Red's tail, swings him around and throws Red into the cage)
Red XIII: (Is unconscious)
Cait Sith: (Starts climbing the cage)
Jim: Cait Sith starts climbing the cage!
Reader (You at the keyboard): It just said that!
Red XIII: (Regains consciousness) Oh no you don't! (Jumps up, grabs Cait Sith, and starts to chew on 'im)
Cait Sith: AAAAAHHHHHH!!! This is worse than what happened on TV.
Author's note: (Read Cait Sith's Big Break to find out what happened to him on TV)
Red XIII: (Throws Cait Sith into the cage, head first)
Cait Sith: (Tries to pull his head out from between the bars) I'm stuck!
Red XIII: (Makes a feeble attempt to climb the cage)
Vince: He's begun his ascent!
Cait Sith: NO! LIMIT BREAK! DICE! (Throws dice at Red causing 9999 damage)
Red XIII: (Falls off the cage and dies)
Cait Sith: (Squeezes his way out of the cage)
(Bell rings)

Delita: The winner by disqualification, is Nanaki!
Caith Soth: Whaddya mean? I'm the winner! I'M THE WINNER!!!
Jim: (Tosses Red a Phoenix Down) The official rules state that in order to win you must climb over the cage, not through it!
Cait Sith: NNNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!! (Does the Cloud Strife freakout (tm))
Cloud: Every Cait Sith just gets worse.
Vince: While the workers take down the cage let's speak with another contestant.

(In locker room)
Dave: Thanks Vince,I'm now in here with Tifa Lockheart. Tifa, are you ready for another one of your thoughest matches ever?
Tifa: You'd better believe it Dave, Aeris is going down!
Dave: You certainly sound confident. (Just like all the other times.)
Tifa: Hey! When was the last time I lost to her!?
Dave: The RPG Deathmatches.
Tifa: ......
Dave: In fact, the only time you've won (that I know of) was in the Celebrity Deathmatch 2. (By Cloud+Cait)
Tifa: You little bastard! (Positions into her fighting stance)
Dave: Uh oh... (Goes into his fighting stance)
Aeris (Runs in): You leave him alone you $^!#&~$&*!#$*%&#%*!#%&$%*@$^!$&*%*!#%&%*!#%&#%!#%*!#%&$%*!#%*%*$%*@$%&!#%&*!#%*!#%*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dave: Damn, Aeris pulled a Cid.
Cid's voice: Damn right!
Tifa/Aeris: (Start fighting)
Shawn Michaels: (Runs in) Hey ladies! Stop it.
Tifa: (Stops twisting Aeris' arm) Ohhhhh... it's Shawn. (Hearts appear in her eyes)
Aeris: Shawn we love you!
Dave: I never actually thought you got women Shawn.
Shawn: I'm not called the HB Kid for nothing. Then again I'm usually second best most of the time.
Tifa/Aeris: (Run up and grab one of Shawn's arms each)
Aeris: Let me take you to Wonder Square Shawn! (Pulls)
Tifa: You two-cent whore! I'm going with him! (Pulls)
Shawn (Wincing in pain): HELP!
Dave: Now you know how Cloud feels.
Aeris: He's mine! (Pulls harder)
Tifa: NO! HE'S MINE! (Pulls harder)
Dave: Um, ladies... what about Cloud?
Tifa: Screw him!
Cloud (Runs in): (To Shawn) You little d**k! Trying to ruin my love life!?
Shawn (Sweating): Uh... no...
Cloud: OMNI-SLASH!!!
Dave: Back to you Vince! HURRY!!!

(In the ring)
Vince: Thanks again Dave. Time for the... (Crashing noise if heard) What the...?
Shawn: (Comes running through the audience screaming)
Cloud: (Following) You little pansy! Come and take it like a man!
Vince: I'm sure that'll be settled in its own due time. Time for the second match!
Jim: In side one! From the Turks, Tseng and Elena.
Elena: Ooooo Tseng! We gonna fight?
Tseng: (Whips out his f***ing 8-inch vibrating dildo) You know it. (Uses it on Elena)
Audience: YOU F***ING PERVERT!
Elena: Not now Tseng, that's not the kind of fight I meant.
@$$hole Tseng: Elena, don't act so weak. (Puts it away)
Vince: Okay Jim, it's away.
Jim: (Stops puking all over Vince) Okay then. In side two! From the Turks, Reno and Rude!
Reno: I may retreat but I'll still be victorious!
Rude: (Checks his watch)
Delita: First side to pin both members of the opposite team wins! Fight!
(Bell rings)

(In the ring)
Reno: (Puches Elena)
Elena: (Punches Rude)
Rude: (Punches Tseng)
Tseng: (Punches Reno)
Author's note: These four attacks happened at the same time.
Reno: (Makes a gay @$$ pose and runs away)
Elena: (Blows Cloud a kiss and runs away)
Rude: (Statrs crying and runs away)
Tseng: (Does a Michael Jackson pose and runs away)
(Ten counts later...)
Delita: Draw by double count out!
(Bell rings)

Audience: BOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Cloud: (Walks in with a bloodied sword) That's taken care of.
Tifa: NO!!! YOU KILLED SHAWN!!!
Aeris: I NEVER WAN'T TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!
Cloud: (Freaks)
Vince: Second shortest match in WWF history.
Jim: The shortest was 8 seconds, that was ten.
Vince: Back to you Dave.

(In the locker room)
Dave: Thank you Vince. I'm now with a new wrestler in the WWF. Your name?
Steel: Steel, John Steel Clayton. (Author's note: That's an inside joke you'll have to look at my fanfictional charactewrs section to understand it)
Dave: And who do you think'll win the Cloud vs. Sephiroth match?
Steel: Personally I think Cloud doesn't stand a chance. Sephy can just screw with his mind and then pin 'im.
Dave: And who do you think will win the next match?
Steel: I'm not anserwing that question!
Dude Love: (Runs in) Have mercy! Aeris'll win by a huge margin!
Dave: Dude Love lives!
Steel: No way! Tifa's going to win!
Tifa/Aeris: (Walk in)
Tifa: And what about you Dave?
Aeris: Yeah? Which one of us are you going to have win?
Dave: Damn! uh... due to unexpected matters the interviewer will now be my US History teacher (another mircale of WWF Warzone) Mr. Fullerton!
Mr. Fullerton: (Runs in) Hey! It's Dude Love!
Dude Love: Long time no see!
Mr. Fullerton: Groovy, let's get some coffee.
Dude Love: Yeah man, we can catch up. (They leave)
Dave: D'ohhhhhhhhh..... poopy... (Slaps forehead)
Aeris: Well?
(Tifa and Aeris glare at Dave in a way that would make Vincent cringe)
Dave: (Starts sweating) S**t... (Checks time) Time for your match!
Tifa: Oh man... (Leaves)
Aeris: We'll see you afterwards. (Leaves)
Steel: That certainly was close Dave.
Dave: Yeah, but'll this be all over when the winner is revealed, which is...

(Back by the ring)
Vince: Thank you Captain Obvious.
Cait: Hey! That's my line!
Red XIII: Sit down Cait Sith.
Jim: In corner 1! From Nibelheim, Tifa Lockheart!
Tifa: (Runs down the ramp and does a backflip into the ring)
Audience: (Cheers)
Jim: And in corner 2! From Midgar, Aeris Gainsborough!
Aeris: (Walks down the ramp, climbs into the ring, and starts praying.)
Sephiroth (Theme starts to play): (Comes flying down to stab Aeris.)
Aeris: Oh come on! Not again! (Dies)
Dave (Runs in): Oh my god! You killed Aeris! You bastard!!! (Does the C-Strife freakout)
Sephiroth: I couldn't help myself.
Dave: You damn well couldn't! (Snaps and a giant foot crushes Sephiroth a 'la Monty Python)
Cait Sith: (Tosses him an Instant Plot Device (All: Just add water!)) Here Dave, get this fic going again!
Cloud: You owe us 3,000 gil for it though.
Dave: (Uses the device to revive Aeris) I was going to have Seph win his match, BUT NOT ANYMORE!!! (Laughs manaically)
Aeris: Thanks Dave.
Dave: No sweat. (Runs out)
Sephiroth: (Recovers) Damn, I guess I'll have to repent for my sins. (Jumps into one of the Undertaker's coffins)
Vincent: Hey! Somebody's already in here!
Yuffie: Yeah! Leave us alone!
Sephiroth: Oh crud... (Pukes into the coffin)
Delita: In this match, there are no rules!
Audience: (Cheers)
Delita: One person can pin the other anywhere inside the Gold Saucer. The loser then has 60 seconds to get back into the ring. Fight!
(Bell rings)

(In the ring)
Tifa: You're dead @$%@#$^!!!
Aeris: Shut up you lowlife anorexic twing! (Clotheslines Tifa)
Tifa: (Pulls Aeris down)
Delita: Break it up! (Tries to push the two apart)
Aeris: Shut up! (Kicks him in the nuts)
Delita (High pitched voice): OW!!! (Runs away)

(In audience)
Ramza: Delita you coward, come back here! I will not disgrace my family!
Dav: God! Just shut up!
Ramza: um... I'm sorry...
Dav: Time do what Cloud and Cait never do?
Ramza: Put you as a guest in some of their fics?
Dav: Well yeah but, you should die!!! (Kills Ramza)
Audience: YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (Chants) Dav Cole! Dav Cole!

(In the ring)
Aeris: Hey! The wrestling is over here!
Tifa: (Uses distraction to choke hold Aeris)
Aeris: You wench! (Breaks free)
Tifa: HO!!! (Bitch slaps Aeris)
Aeris: (Ditto)
Tifa: (Throws Aeris out of the ring)
Aeris: (Is unconscious)
Tifa: (Climbs up to the top rope)
Aeris: (Regains consciousness)
Tifa: (Jumps off)
Aeris: (Moves out of the way in the nick of time)
Tifa: (Accidentially kicks Dude Love and gets her foot caught in the bars that separate the audience and ring)
Dude Love: OW!!! Have mercy!
Tifa: You stay outta this! (Tries to get her foot unstuck)
Aeris: (Kicks Tifa in the back several times)
Tifa: (Manages to get free and trips Aeris)
Aeris: (Falls and pulls Tifa down)
Tifa/Aeris: (Get up)
Aeris: (Throws Tifa into the audience)
Tifa: (Lands on Bret Hart)
Author's note: I know that Bret Hart is now in the WCW but I put him in there BECAUSE I CAN!!!
Bret: Hey! What's the big idea?
Tifa (Dazed): Ohhh... who's touching my @$$?
Bret: I'm not!
Tifa: WHAT! (Looks at her script) The script says that it's you!
Bret/Tifa: (Look arond to see...)
Goldust: (Touching Tifa's @$$)
Tifa: oh god! Get him away from me!
Bret: (Puts Goldust in the Sharpshooter)
Gay man Goldust: (Makes his gay-@$$ noises)
Audience: (Throws rotten fruit, vegetables, and eggs at that !$^!#$&*!$&^#%*#%&^@$^*(#$&@$COW@$&!#$&!#%&!*!^~&!@#%~@#^!$~@#^@$!@$71347!#&@$*!#$&@!#*!#$&@$*!#$@$^*!#$@$^*$^%(*$O$&**#^(%(&)_(%&*!3&#$*#%%*%&@^*!$%*#&@@$^*!#%*@$^&!#%&*$ Goldust!)
Tifa: Thanks Bret. (Reaches over to kiss him)
Aeris: (Pulls Tifa back by her hair and whips her outside of Battle Square)

The two girls fight their way through the Gold Saucer.
(In Wonder Square)
Tifa: (Throws the Super-Dunk ball at Aeris)
Ball: (Returns since it misses the hoop and hits Tifa)

(In the Snowboarding Game)
Aeris: (Tries to ram Tifa off of the course)
Tifa: (Is unaffected and knocks Aeris into the Crazy Course)
Aeris: (Wipes out every few seconds)
Tifa: (Gets a perfect score on the expert course)

(In the Moogle game)
Tifa: (Throws several Kupo nuts at Aeris)
Mog: (Eats the Kupo nuts and tries to fly)
Aeris: (Moves out of the way)
Mog: (Falls onto Tifa)
Mag: (Dumps Mog)
Mog: (Goes on a HUGE bender)

(In Event Square)
Usher: Congratulations! You two are our 100th couple tonight!
Tifa/Aeris: WHAT!!!
Usher: You two will be the leads in tonight's show.
Tifa/Aeris: Oh man!
Usher: This is a play that has two female leads, we've been waiting for a night like this.

(On the stage)
Author's Note: This is not the play in the game. Try to guess who the director is. (Hints will be given)
Narrator: Once there was a gang of pirates that ruled the Seven Seas, they'd rob and plunder everything in every town they'd sees. Destroying homes, killing soldiers, and kidnapping women. But this is the story of how two courageuos girls stopped the pirates once and for all.
Chorus (Walks out): (Singing) Weee are pirates of the seeeeeeeeeeaaaa! We use it for all even to peeeeeeeeeee! Our captain is a scurvy dirt bag, he's he's a good guy and doesn't take any hags! (Walks out)
Captain Cloud: (Walks in)
Yet another Author's Note: A friend of persists that Cloud should be called the captain instead of Cid for some dumb @$$ reason, so I decided to amuse him. This is not Cloud Strife.
Captain Cloud: Avast ye!
Crew: (Avasts)
Captain Cloud: All right ye scurvy dogs! In the next sea town we plunder you are to steal a beautiful woman for we wench!
Crew: Aye aye sir!
Impressario: Aya what awful acting!
Locke (In audience): You have to agree I did a better job than him.
Lookout: Land ho!
Narrator: And so the pirates sailed into the port town of Port. Meanwhile in a house on the other side of the village.
(Nobody steps out)
Stagehand: Hey! That's your cue!
Tifa: Sorry. (Walks out) Sister, there are rumors that pirates are coming to our village.
Aeris: (Walks out) Yes I've heard. In fact, I started that rumor.
Tifa: Something has do be done or we will be taken captive.
Aeris: I know, but what can we do? We are only helpless women. (Hint #1)
Pirates: (Bust in)
Tifa: Only a rumor huh?
Aeris: Well, every rumor can be right sometimes.
Pirate 1: Grab them!
Tifa: Run!
Aeris: (Already running) I'm way ahead of you!
Pirate 2: After them!

(At the top of the stairs)
Tifa: are you sure this'll work?
Aeris: (Tying paint cans to ropes) Trust me.
Pirate 1: They're up there! (Runs up the stairs)
Aeris: (Throws the cans down)
Can: (Hits Pirate 1 on the head)
Pirate 1: (Falls down the stairs and takes everyone else with him)
Kevin: AAAAAA!!!!!!
Author's Note: If you didn't get the Home Alone joke, where have you been for the past decade?
Tifa: Quickly, out the window!
Tifa/Aeris: (Jump out the window)
Captain Cloud: Now!
Pirates: (Throw a net over Tifa and Aeris)
Tifa: Huh?
Aeris: What?
Tifa: What?
Aeris: Huh?
Captain Cloud: Take them to the ship!
Pirates: (Drag them away)
Chorus (Walks out): (Singing) We're off to see the Wizard! The Wonderful...
Captain Cloud: WRONG SONG!!! (Hint #2)
Chorus: (Singing) And so our captain has his choice for his wife! One will stay and the other will lose her life! (Song's done)
Captain Cloud: (Inspecting Tifa and Aeris who are tied to the mast) Hmm... now let me see, which one should I take? (Hint #3, if this doesn't tell you you don't know FF7)
Tifa: Waittaminute! This is all too familiar! Who's the director of this sick play!?
Director: (Walks out and theme starts to play) Hoheehoheehohee...
Aeris: Don Corneo!
Corneo: I see you're wise to me.
Tifa: You're damn right you @$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64@$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64@$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64@$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64@$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64@$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64@$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64@$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64@$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64@$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64@$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64@$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64@$^@$&*!#$*@$$^2%@$^*$(@%^@$^(%^&!#%*$^&$%(*64!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aeris (Muttering): She's been hanging around Cid too long.
Tifa: I've had enough of your perverted ways! (Breaks free from the prop ropes and uses her Limit breaks)
Don Corneo: (Dies)
Aeris: (Breaks free and trips Tifa after she does Final Heaven)
Tifa: (Hits head and loses consciousness)
Aeris: (Pins Tifa)
Perverts in audience: (Try to look up Tifa's skirt)
Steve: OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH YEAH BABY!!!
(Count of three!)
Jim's voice: Tifa now has 60 seconds to get back into the ring!
Aeris: (Quickly loops the curtain rope around Tifa's ankle so when the curtain falls...)
Tifa: (Gets raised up)
Aeris: (Returns to Battle Square)

(Sixty seconds later)
New Referee: Aeris wins!
Audience: (Cheers)
Vince: That was the most unusual match in a long time!
Jim: That's right Vince! Who would've thought that Aeris would do that?
Vince: Stop talking to me like a little kid.
Dave: Hey, the whole thing was in the script. The score is Tifa: 1, Aeris: 3!
Vince: While they get Tifa down, let's speak with our winner.

(In the locker room)
Dave: Well Aeris, how does it feel to stay ahead of Tifa?
Aeris: I was surprised about what happened.
Dave: That's what keeps the fic going.
Aeris: I'm surprised you didn't hurt her after those threats.
Dave: Actually I did. Originally she was going to win. But most characters learn the hard way, if you mess with the author you're in a lot of trouble.
Aeris: Well thanks. (Kisses Dave)
Dave (Thinking): Hey I should do this more often...
Owen Hart: (Runs in) You sick little pussy!
Dave: (To Aeris) Excuse me. (To Owen) You just made a mistake!
Flowen: About what!
Dave: (Puts on sunglasses) Now you're messing with "Super" Dave! (Yes I put myself in Warzone)
Owen: Don't make me laugh!
Dave: (Piledrives Owen) I should've warned you, Super Dave has 10 of every stat! (Laughs manaically and puts Owen into a cross-face chicken wing)
Owen: (Screams like the baby he is, gets up, and runs away)
Aeris: Nice job.
Dave: (Takes off sunglasses) Thanks.
Aeris: What say we go to Round Square? (Wink wink)
Dave: I'll ride to that. Back to you Vince. (Escorts Aeris out)
Cloud: Grrr...

(Back at the ring)
Jim: We lose more interviewers that way.
Vince: He'll be back, time for the fourth match!
Jim: In side one! From Corel, Barret Wallace and Dyne!
Barret/Dyne: (Barret's theme starts playing and they enter the arena)
Jim: In side two! From Shinra Inc., President Rufus and Scarlet!
Rufus: (Comes running down the ramp screaming)
Scarlet (Wearing tight leather): Come back lover boy! I don't bite!
Audience: (Actually doesn't puke all over Red XIII but all over Goldust)
Goldust: (Runs out crying like the gay @$$ pussy he is)
Ref: FIGHT!
(Bell rings)

(In the ring)
Barret: You ready Dyne?
Dyne: Hell yeah!
Barret/Dyne: This is for Corel! (Load gun-arms)
Scarlet: Oh crap! Hold me Rufy!
Rufus: Not on your life!
Barret: (Shoots Rufus' head off and pins the body)
Dyne: (Shoots Scarlet's head off and pins the body)
(Bell rings)

Ref: Barret and Dyne win!
Barret/Dyne: (High five accidentially with gunarms and both malfunction)
Jim: Take cover!
In the resulting Bedlam half of the audience is shot.
Security guard (Runs in): You're under arrest for mass murder!
Barret: (Shoots his head off) Sucka!
Vince: B-back to you D-dave.

(In locker room)
Steel: Dave is still with Aeris so he asked me to interview.
Vince: Fine by me.
Steel: I'm in here with the Headbangers.
Thrasher: I'm gonna enjoy this!
Mosh: Real men wear skirts!
Headbangers: (Laugh like Beavis + Butthead)
Steel: Who do you guy say'll win the next match?
Thrasher: Cid an' Dav all the way!
Mosh: Are you kidding! Yuffie + Vincent are gonna kill 'em!
Thrasher: Says you!
Mosh: Oh yeah!
Thrasher: Yeah!
Mosh: Oh yeah!
Thrasher: Yeah!
Mosh: Oh yeah!
Thrasher: Yeah!
Steel: Guys please...
Headbangers: Shut up! (Keep arguning when suddenly Thrasher's head is shot off while Mosh is impaled by a spear.)
Cid/Vincent: (Laugh manaically)
Dave: (Walks in) I see everything stayed relatively normal while I was gone.
Cid: (Lights a ciggie) You'd better believe it.
Vincent: ...They were probably going to interrupt the match...
Steel: By the way, what happened to Aeris?
Dave: She had to use the bathroom.
Tifa: (Runs in) Good! Now you can come with me! (Pulls an arm)
Aeris: (Runs in) You leave him alone! He's mine! (Pulls the other)
Vincent: I thought Tifa hated him...
Cid: They're women, whaddya expect?
Steel: Shouldn't we do something?
Cid/Vincent: (Watching and eating popcorn) We already are!
Dave: Girls please! I'm only 16!
Tifa/Aeris: Oh... (Let go)
Steel: Hey! What about me? I'm too sexy for 'ya!
Tifa: Heeeeeyyyy, come to think of it, he's hot! (Grabs an arm and pulls)
Aeris: Get away! I saw him first! (Grabs and pulls)
Cid: S**t! That's four love triangles between 'em in one day! (Leaves)
Dave: I'm just glad it's not me anymore.
Vincent: Now we have to figure out how to get them to fight over Cloud again. (Leaves)
Dave: That'll happen at the end of the fic.
Tifa/Aeris: (Pull so hard they literally rip Steel's arms outta the sockets)
Steel: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You two @$#&^!#$&!#$&~@*@@$^*!#%&**#^&@%*%&$^(%&@*!#^@$^(%^$^*(@$%&*@$^*!#%*@$^89!#%^*%^^!#%*@$^COWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dave: Well, that one's over. Back to you Vince.

(Back in the ring)
Vince: Anybody got a FullCure materia for Steel?
Jim: Hey! That wasn't in the script!
Vince: You're right, $^#$ it! Let's go on.
Jim: In side one! Cid Highwind and Dav Cole!
Cid/Dav: (Climb into the ring)
Audience: (Goes crazy)
Reotardo DiCraprio: BOOOOO!!! (Gets impaled by Cid's spear and head cut off by Dav's sword)
Cid/Dav: (Laugh manaically)
Audience: (Goes even more crazy)
Vince: There IS a God!
Jim: In side two! Vincent Valentine and Yuffie Kisarigi!
Vincent/Yuffie: (Climb into the ring)
Audience: (Cheer for Vincent and sneer at Fluffie)
Ref: The ring is filled with mashed potatoes! First pin wins, fight!
(Bell rings)

(Cid and Vincent are first)
Cid: (Punches Vincent)
Vincent: (Attacks with his claw and knocks Cid's cigarette outta his mouth)
Cigarette: (Lands on DiCraprio's corpse and burns it)
Cid: YOU @$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$@$%*!#$%*@#%(#%&1345*@$%*246*@$G#(G!IO%JH1#BI!#%YWhA%&Q#%Q#%UQ#Hq35QJ$HJ5Yq35UAW:%HSJYaJusJa5&JU4J$Juw4^qj$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vincent: ....Cid.....
Cid: (Chokes Vincent with his headband, slams his head into the turnbuckle, and holds him face down in the potatoes)
Vincent: (Reaches over and tags Yuffie)
Yuffie: (Jumps in) All right old man! Time to taste some of my skills! (Slips on some gravy and falls)
Cid: (Kicks Yuffie repeatedly and laughs manaically)
Yuffie: (Tries to get up but keeps slipping and loses consciousness)
Cid: (Tags Dav)
Vince: He makes the tag!
Dav: (Jumps in)
Cid: (Places Yuffie on the turnbuckle and suplexes her off)
Dav: (Catches Yuffie by the neck and slams her into the opposite turnbuckle)
Audience: (Goes hog wild and starts to chant) Cid and Dav! Cid and Dav! Cid and Dav!
Vince: Listen to this crowd! What's goin' on here!
Jim: I can hardly hear myself talk!
Cid: S**t man! What's wrong with your head!
Dav: My head!? Yours is huge!
Cid: So's yours and it's swelling!
Dav: I guess Ego Mode is on!
Cid: Who cares?! (Jumps out)
Dav: You're right. (Picks Yuffie up by the hair and puts her in the Brainbuster)
Yuffie: (Is still out cold)
Dav: (Stuffs Yuffie's mouth full of potatoes) Eat your vegetables b***h!!!
Yuffie: (Regains consciousness and spits 'em out)
Dav: (Whips Yuffie into the turnbuckle)
Yuffie: (Tries to move away but her hand is caught in the ropes)
Dav: (Repeatedly punches Yuffie)
Yuffie: Vinny! Help! (Tag's Vincent)
Vincent: (Jumps in)
Dav: Okay! Time for the secret weapon! (Tags Cid)
Cid: Damn right! (Jumps in)
Dav: (Pulls out one of Vincent's tarts and stuffs it into Yuffie's mouth)
Yuffie: (Hurls) Oh gawd! What was that crap!
Cid: (Trips Vincent into a pile of "YUFFIE'S ORIENTAL COOKING"!!! (Insert music of horror here))
Vincent: (Hurls) That was pure s**t!
Yuffie: I thought you loved my stir-fry! ALL-CREATION!!!
Vincent: AND NOBODY INSULTS MY TARTS!!! (Turns into Hellsmasker)
Vincent/Yuffie: (Kill each other)
Cid: (Pins Vincent's body)
(Bell rings)

Ref: The winners by total blowout! Cid and Dav!
Vince: What an unbeatable combonation!
Jim: If they could, Vincent and Yuffie should go back to the gym and train!
Vince: Once the ring is cleaned we'll have our last match. Meanwhile, back to you Dave!

(In the locker room)
Dave: (Clothes tattered, hair a mess, huge cut on his cheek)
Steel (With artificial arms): What happened to you?
Dave: I got between Tifa and Aeris and a man.
Steel: Ouch!
Dave: Anyway I'm in here with Farooq and The Rock.
Farooq: (Singing) We are the...
Rocky: (Ditto) Nation! of Domination!
Dave: That's nice, who is going to win the last match?
Farooq: (Still sining) The Nation!...
Rocky: (Ditto) of Domination!
Steel: Oh brother...
Dave: Don't worry. (Snaps and anvils crush the entire NOD)
NOD: (Dies)
Dave: That's it! No more real guys! I'm gonna interview whoever I want, 'cause I'm the author dammit!
Steel: Who are you going to interview?
Dave: I... don't know. I'll figure something out, back to you Vince.

(Back to the ring)
Vince: Thanks Dave! I think...
Jim: It's time for the last match!
Audeience: (Cheers)
Jim: In corner one, Cloud Strife!
Cloud: (Walks down the ramp and climbs into the ring)
Jim: And in corner two! The biggest @$$hole in the world, Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: (Materializes into the ring)
Audience: BOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Ref: All right guys! Weapons are allowed!
Cloud: Sweet! (Draws sword)
Ref: Fight!
(Bell rings)

Cloud: OMNI-SLASH!!!
Sephiroth: (Very tiny voice) crap...
Cloud: (Mutilates Seph's body incredibly with the Omni-slash and still keeps slashing)
Sephiroth: (Dies and falls over)
Cloud: (Pins Sephiroth's body)
Ref: One!
Sephiroth: (Starts to dissolve into the Lifestream)
Cloud: NO!!!
Ref: Two!
Sephiroth: (Is just about gone)
Ref: Thr...
Sephiroth: (Disappears)
Cloud: That !#$&!@#%*#$&$^*#%*$^*($^@$^*$%@%^&@$^(*@$^U$^WH$&@#%&@#$!#7@$%&@$%!&*!#%*#&@$*@$%&@&*@$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Does the C-S freakout)
Ref: There is no winner!
Audience: BOO!!!

Vince: Well, it's over.
Jim: Yeah, too bad some of those matches sucked @$$.
Vince: Anyway, let's speak with the surviving contestant.

(In the locker room)
Dave: Sorry Cloud, you did get to kill 'im though.
Cloud: That wasn't good enough! I wanted to at least win in a fair fight.
Tifa: (Walks in) Don't worry Cloud, I'll make it all better. (Grabs an arm)
Cloud (Thinking): Ohhhhhhhh yeah!
Aeris: (Runs in) Get your hands off of my Cloud! (Grabs the other arm)
Cloud: S**T!!!
Tifa: He's mine! (Pulls)
Aeris: HE'S MINE!!! (Pulls)
Cloud: (Wincing in pain) HELP!
Dave: Well despite all of the traumas Cloud is now back where he belongs.

(Back in the ring)
Vince: We'd like to thank everyone who participated.
Jim: Even though half of 'em got killed.
Vince: Does the author wish to say anyhing?
Dave: You know it! I had fun writing this one and you should be prepared for the sequel.
Vince/Jim: NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!
Dave: (Laughs manaically)
Vince/Jim: (Groan)
Dave: Well, that's over. Shall we go ladies?
Terra/Celes: (Walk out)
Steel: Hey! Who're they?
Dave: The people I decided to "interview". Right girls? (Winks at 'em)
Terra/Celes: (Giggle)
Cloud: (Runs out) Hey Dave! Save one for me!
Dave: Sure, what the hell.
Tifa/Aeris: Grrr....

And so closes another one of Dyne's insane fanfics. (Dyne: (Laughs manaically)) And all of you shuold realize that I prefer Terra and Celes over Tifa and Aeris. That way no one's mad (except for Locke).