The New Wild Wild Sith
originally written and redone by Dave

Dave: Hello folks! Welcome to The New Wild Wild Sith. As most of you faithful readers know, the version on Dyne's site is a mere demo version, and honestly a
copy I wasn't too thrilled or excited about continuing. Hopefully with this one, I can still capture the essence the original was supposed to have, and most
importantly, I hope to entertain you, the faithful readers, with another one of my comic fics. Understand it has been literally a few years since my last major
production, so if the humor seems....not quite my past quality, understand why. Let's roll! One final thing, Dyne and I are NOT the same person.
Cloud: W3rd.
Dave: Shut up.

Lita: There you are! Freeze and taste my special Cajin chicken!
Dave: Crap, this will never end.....(runs off)
In the Hideout

Cid: *smoking* Well well well, I'll be a baboon with VD.... you guys aren't actually playing Smash Bros. *slips in a Dukes of Hazzard tape*
Dav: Unfortunatly, the author wanted to try something new for this fic.....so he wiped his @$$ with our Smash Bros. cartridge!
Dave: I have shrapnel in my @$$ thanks to that stupid cartridge.
Vegeta: Wait a minute, if we aren't able to play Smash Bros., how come you're STILL able to watch the Dukes of Hazzard? That's like the most overused plotline
of fanfic history.
Cid: 'Cause I'm special.
Vincent: I have sex in a coffen.
Cloud: W3rd.
Vegeta: We must get revenge! No one wipes their @$$ on our Smash Bros. cartridge and gets away with it!!
Cloud: How? He's bigger, meaner and fatter then we all are. He can kick all of our 3D-wannabe @$$es in a Midgar second.
Cid: Yeah, that's what, 2 years?
Barret: I know foos! Da fortune cookie will tell us! It neva lies!
Cait Sith: W3rd.
Cloud: F**k off, that's my word.
Red XIII: Let us embark on a mission to seek out the fortune cookie....
Cait Sith: Whoa whoa, who's gonna watch my friend from waging World War III on Tifa's alcohol?
Cait's friend: Tequila!!
Dav: Too late.
Barret: Since when is dat ho eva done anything fo us?
Dav: Gee, I dunno, she provides us a place to hang out for free, and to live in a semi-nice cozy @$$-cramping bar.
Vincent: Coffins give me an @$$ cramp.
Cid: What the hell are you talking about, Vincent?
Vincent: Da plane! Da plane with sprinkles! BAM BAM!! Plop plop fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is to....... play with shiny pink things.
Everyone: Wha.....!?!?!
Dav: He's been like this since Yuffie's demise.
Red XIII: *secretly releases a zombie fart* Truly pathetic, it's not like I went crazy when my grandpa died *begins to reminisce*
(Flashback) Red XIII: *does his business by a tree* Okay, grandpa, I'm coming up to help you re-align the telescope so it faces the Crab Nebula at the exact
epicenter of it's amazing beauty.
(Flashback) Bugenhagen: Hee hee, Nanaki go pee pee!
Red XIII: *Ends flashback* *sniff* He was still a good man though.
Cid: Yeah yeah, that old fart had stars, nebulas and his stupid theories up his faulty faultine we call a crack.
Red XIII: You will respect my grandpa's memory.
Barret: No way foo', I have no respect for anyone who decks da halls for littl' girls.
Vegeta: Whoo hoo, and you're one to talk.
Cloud: W3rd.
Cait Sith: Dude, shut up, you're becoming my friend.
Cloud: *sniff* You really think I am a friend?
Vegeta: He meant his alcoholic friend, you putz.
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!!
Cid: At least Cait's friend has a life despite it's simplistic nature.
Cloud: W3rd.....hey!
Cait's friend: Tequila man! *spills tequila over himself and accidently lights himself on fire courtesy of Red's tail*
Fred Durst (from the band Limp Bizkit): *suddenly appears* I'll watch your bar.
Cid: Hehehe, heeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllll no!
Fred Durst: Ah man, c'mon, my band just went under and I need any job I can get.
Dav: ANY job?
Fred Durst: Yeah man, so if you homies can hook me up with somethin', I'd give you free copies of my CDs me and my mates made over the years.
Cloud: Hmmm, ok, we'll give you a job on one condition.
Fred Durst: Name it bro.
Cloud: Play a song using the minmum of three different electric guitar chords.
Fred Durst: *gulps* Uhhhh, well, I guess that sounds fair.....I mean, I can play ten if I wanted to.
Cid: Then ten it is pansy.
Fred Durst: Wait wait, I mean, I am a little rusty.....can we cut it down to...oh I dunno, two?
Barret: Just play da damn chodes ya foo'!
Fred Durst: I'm rusty I tell ya!
Red XIII: What a ridicolously gay cap you are wearing, Rusty.
Fred Durst: Hey! I don't need trash talk about my cap, especially from a mutt with his @$$ on fire!!!
Red XIII: It's the tip of my tail you elementary educated poptart.
Vincent: *BURP* I once had an @$$.........uggghhh.......*falls down drunk*
Fred Durst: Okay, you want a song, I'll play a song. It's called "Break Stuff". *begins playing "Break Stuff and singing* It's all about the he said-she said, AGH!
AGH!
Cait's friend: Break this mother f***ker! (uses his "Tequila of Doom" limit break on Fred Durst)
Fred Durst: I just don't give a f**k anymore..... (dies)
Eminem: I just don't give a f**k period....
Barret: (shoots Eminem)
Cait/Cloud/Vegeta/Cid/Barret: (surprised)
Cid: Did he just say something else besides......"Tequila man?"
Cait's friend: Tequila man!! (goes back to his drinks)
Vegeta: Nah, we just imagined it.
Cloud: Or maybe....it was a glitch in the Matrix.
Keanu Reeves: I know Kung Fu.
Barret: (kicks Keanu Reeves in the balls).
Morpheus: (looks down at Keanu Reeves) Chosen one my @$$.....(walks away with a fallen Keanu Reeves on his shoulders).
Trinity: (sighs) W3rd....
Cloud: W3rd!!!
Cait Sith: Dammit, shut the hell up!!
Vegeta: That reminds me....where did our women go again? Aeris better not be cleaning out the buffet places again. I don't want the baby to grow retarded like Kakorotto
(in Lillput)
Gokou: Gee, you guys are little.....AAAACHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO!!! (blows the entire city and it's inhabitants into the sea)
(back at the Hideout)
Cloud: I know! They went tampon shopping.
Dav: Maybe yours did, but I know my Ami is at the neighborhood bookstore looking for the latest edition of Webster's Dictionary the Hologram Edition series 5 volume
6.
Cid: What's a dictionary?
Vegeta: Sounds fruity.
Cait Sith: Well wherever they went to, we need to somehow ditch this place to find the fortune cookie and at the same time, make sure my friend doesn't attack the
last fifth of the alcohol here.
Cid: S**t, let him. They're gonna be pissed either way because we've been sitting here not giving a s**t allowing him to engage on a drinking rampage.
Cait Sith: True.....ah screw it, let us find the fortune cookie!!
Cloud: W3rd!!
Red XIII: (kicks Cloud in the balls).

In Sector 7

Cloud: Dammit, Red, I am the leader, your actions were uncalled for!
Barret: (turns towards Cloud) What happen to ya foo'? Ya used to be coo'!
Cloud: Hey, Cloud still coo'!!!!
Vegeta: Look, I think we'll find the fortune cookie there! (points to the Sector 7 Chinese resturaunt)
Cid: Hoo hoo, revenge is looking sweet.....
(the crew enters)
Shampoo (from Ranma 1/2): (smiling) Nihao!
Cid: And a nice howdy kung pow chicken to ya too, tuts (squeezes Shampoo's butt).
Shampoo: Hmph! Shampoo insulted! Shampoo MAD! (grabs Cid and throws clear out of the resturant).
Barret: Holy crap!!!
Cloud: And I thought Tifa was psycho......
Shampoo: *Ahem* Sorry for interruption. Smoke? No smoke?
Dav: Since Cid probably won't be back for a good half hour, non-smoking.
Shampoo: Sorry. Pets not allowed. Voodoo dolls not allowed.
Red XIII: Who is she calling a pet?
Cait Sith: *whispers to Vegeta* I think she's talking to you.
Vegeta: I'm no damn troll if that's what you are implying!
Shampoo: *points to Cait Sith* You ugly voodoo doll.
Cait Sith: (whips out his megaphone and unzips the moogle) I'll show you voodoo, b***h!
Dav: (jumps between Cait and Shampoo) Okay okay, let's not get hasty. Cait, just go along with it for now okay?
Cait Sith: Whatever..... (heads outside after Red XIII).
Cloud: Give Cid our best wishes!
Cid: (sneezes) F**k you guys......(passes out again)
Shampoo: Waiter be out soon. Enjoy meal! (walks off)
Dav: Man, it's been a while since I've eaten at a good Chinese resturaunt.
Barret: Whatcha talkin' 'bout? Mina cooked us da Chinese dish last week.
Dav: I said "good Chinese".
Ramza: La la la, life is good, la la la even for losers like me, la la la la (sees the AVALANCHE crew) Crap!! (jerks off to the side knocking over a waiter). Crap
....(looks down on ticket).... I'm their waiter.....wait a minute, this might serve me well.....yes, yes it just might. Maybe my as well as my master's revenge will
come sooner then planned. Mwahahahahahahaha!! I must report this ASAP! (begins to run off when....)
Waiter: Hold it n00b!!
Ramza: Whatcha want fatty?
Waiter: You knocked me down, and I didn't hear an apology! And look, you got soy sauce all over my pink Hello Kitty apron! And the frizzles in my hair are ruined, they like took me two hours to like perfectly do!
Ramza: Hello Kitty? Hello empty space in your skull is more like it. Mwahahahahaha!
Waiter: That's it, you will be.....SLAPPED! (puts on a large finger from a sports game and slaps the s**t out of Ramza).
Ramza: (broken and bleeding on the floor) Must....report....news to.....Master....(crawls off towards a secret hole in the floor in the back of the kitchen).
In the Midgar sewers

Golbez (watching Cartoon Network with X-Death): Yay, Kenshin's sooooo dreamy! (has hearts in his eyes).
On the TV, Hanson's "MmmBop" is playing in the background
(TV) Kenshin (dubbed): I will defeat you, Shishio, with my technique and sword style I can't even pronounce correctly.
(TV) Shishio (dubbed): I will lecture you using this monotone voice of mine, ha ha ha ha.....ha.
(TV) Sano (dubbed): Uggggggggghhh, whatta he say?
(TV) Yahiko (dubbed): He said the Hilton Mozzarella Stick stinks.
(TV Misao (dubbed): Squeek!!!
(TV) Aoshi (dubbed): I'm the American Jesus.
(TV) Hannya (dubbed): Sir, you can't say "Jesus" in the English version.
(TV) Freddy Kruger (appears from nowhere): BLAGH! (turns toward screen) I'll get YOU! (points at Golbez)
Golbez: So realistic!
Freddy Kruger: (pulls Golbez into the TV): Whahahahahaha, BLAGH!!
Golbez: (whips put a container of salt and dumps it on Freddy Kruger) Whoops, slipped outta my hand.
Freddy Kruger: (screams and runs off)
Golbez: (goes up to Kenshin) Here, use this, he'll enjoy it.
Kenshin (dubbed): Thank you, but I would rather have a titty from Tokyo.......
Golbez: (stares at Kenshin and then kicks him in the nuts)
X-Death: (helps Golbez back into reality) Wasn't that your "secret" move that not even our master knows about?
Golbez: Something like that, I call it the Hiten Sesshoupeepee Extravaganza Whoope Delightful Itchy Ballsweat Salt Spray Attack.
X-Death: Yeah, whatever.
Kefka: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (blows himself up)
Golbez: Looks we're down one person now.
X-Death: Yep.
Mysterious voice: What is all of that commotion out there? You guys aren't playing with your floppies are you?
X-Death/Golbez: No.
Mysterious voice: ......You playing with each other's floppies?
X-Death/Golbez: No.
Mysterious voice: Well, whatever you are doing, keep it down, you're interupting my plans for revenge on Cloud and his jerkoff buddies! And that Dav
Cole......ARGH!! Gawd, PMS sucks!!
Golbez/X-Death: (shudders)
Ramza: (bursts into the hideout with his pants falling down) *huff* *huff* *puff* I....found....them.....
Golbez: Looks like a full moon tonight.
X-Death: Say no to crack (kicks Ramza in the stomach)
Ramza: AGH!! You guys are mean! I didn't do anything to you!
X-Death: You were.....nah, that comeback is too oversued.
Golbez: It's "overused", moron.
Ramza: Well....GOMEZ, (starts laughing) How do you like that, being called GOMEZ?
Golbez: (sarcastically) Oh no, I think I am going to go into a bloody rage because I was called.....Gomez. Roar. Look, I killed X-Death with this plastic sword.
X-Death: Ow, I am dead, boo hoo.
Golbez: I am so mad I want to spary my cell-shaded piss all over this cell-shaded carpet.
Ramza: Yeah, so how do you like that GOMEZ?
X-Death: I knight thee Sir Wuss-A-Lot-Who-Has-Crappy-Comebacks. (smacks Ramza across the face with his sheathed sword)
Myserious Person: (comes into the room) So....my play puppet Ramza has returned....which means he must have some news.....as well as certain products.... Golbez: Say no more! (starts humming the song "The Video Killed the Radio Star").
X-Death: I'll start humming a Micheal Jackson song.
Golbez: The hell you will, d**kweed.
Mysterious Person: (singing) I'm a............slave.
X-Death: Micheal Jackson it is then.
Ramza: Master, I have news you will love!
Mysterious person: Gawd, can't you lackies stop interupting me for one minute!?!?! This better be good, and your answer will determine if you live or DIE!
Ramza: I saved some money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko!
Mysterious person: (kills Ramza)
Great Will of the Universe (from Excel Saga)(approaches a fallen Ramza): Oh no, more people senselessly dying..... oh well, they'll die off eventually anyway..
(leaves Ramza)
Ramza: Wait!!!
Great Will of the Universe: And pull up your pants. We don't need two Grand Canyons in the world.
Pedro (from Excel Saga): WHY!? Why must The Great Will of the Universe abandon us all the time!? I want to return to my sexy wife and son!! The math doesn't
add up!!
Ramza: Get a grip dude, your wife was probably some street corner hooker behind your back anyway.
Pedro: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs off and kills himself.....err....yeah)
Dave: For Pete's sake, I'll return everything to normal. (snaps fingers and Ramza is alive again)
Mysterious person: Ramza! One more faulty screw up from you and I'll have you cooked rotissery style!
Ramza: Yes Master Bater!!
Master Bater: You rang?
Myseterious person: ARGH!! It's Master Kirasagi to you!!! And get back to cleaning, Bater!!
Bater: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........................aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh
X-Death: Looks like Bater won't be getting his butterscotch and vasoline products tonight.
Golbez: Yep.
Mysterious person: Now tell me what the hell you hav to say!!
Ramza: I saw AVALANCHE eating at the nearby Chinese resturant! I wanted to tell you so we can get our sweet and sour revenge!
Mysterious person: Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!!!! Gawd what a glorious day!! Our time of revenge is near!! Ramza, you have a mission.
Ramza: I don't have to get more girly things do I?
Mysterious person: Take this present up to the unsuspecting members! There is one thing you MUST make sure of!!
Ramza: To keep my pants pulled up?
Mysterious person: (kills Ramza again)
Dave: Dammit, this is getting old....(ressurects Ramza)
Joe: You know....I think by now everyone knows it's Yuffie.....just type her name in instead of myserious person.
Dave: Shut up, Joe.
Yuffie: Ramza! Catch as many of the fools as you can with this device, but make absolutlely sure you get Dav Cole!

(Back at the resturant)
Dav: UUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (choking on some chicken)
Cid: Quick! Someone give him the hymlic manuever!
Barret: No way foo'! That'd make us look gay!
Vegeta: True, I mean, Dav IS choking on chicken as we speak.
Dav: (dies)
Barret: Whoa man, to think he was defeated by Kung Pow Chicken.
Vegeta: I love that movie!
Cloud: W3rd.
Great Will of the Universe: After this, I'm quitting this s****y job.(ressurects Dav)
Dav: Whoa man, I'm back. (eats more chicken and starts choking again) UUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Cloud: Dude, you're gettin' a Dell!
Barret: I gots da chicken! (shoots the chicken in Dav's throat)
Dav: (dies again)
Shampoo: Oh my!
Waiter: Clean up at table 4!
Dave: Man, Dyne's gonna can me for killing Dav twice in one scene :-)
Dyne: I will...... once I escape from Raye!!
(outside)
Red XIII: What was that gunshot?
Cait Sith: Probably Barret having to pick up the entire bill.
Red XIII: Okay, then what was that mysterious thud?
Cait Sith: Probably a 20 year old brown haired male caucasian falling to the floor.
Red XIII: Ah, so nothing to worry about then.
Cait Sith: Nope. I have an idea, let's dance!
Red XIII: Okay, but no Dance Dance Revolution crap...I always ownz you all in it.
Cait Sith: It's because you have four feet you quadraped pussy.
Vegeta: (busts out of the resturant) Quick! We need the dragonballs!!!
Red XIII: Can't you just get them yourselves?
Cid: We would if we could you son of a b***h, but we have to meet the fortune cookie still!!!
Cloud: I'll get them! (runs into a tree)
Cid: @^&^%#@&$&^%@%$&^@$^@&^%!!! I'll just get them then!!!! (runs off) Cait Sith: (runs into the resturant) We're not gay! We're not gay!
Red XIII: (follows him) That's disco baby!
Entire resturant: (goes dead silent)
Barret: Dat made no sense at all......(eats his fortune cookie whole)
Cait's friend: (smashes through the ceiling) TEQUILA MAN!!! (lands on Barret, crushing the other fortune cookies).
Barret: You foo'!! Ya crushed da fortune cookie!! Give me back da fortune cookie!!! (starts shaking Cait's friend)
Cait's friend: Tequila!! (drinks tequila as a Phoenix Down falls out of his pocket).
Cait Sith: I thought we had ran out of these weeks ago......

(Flashback)
Cait Sith: Dammit, Cloud broke his head open again.....where did all of the Phoenix Downs go?
Cait's friend: (dozens of empty Phoenix Downs around him) Tequila Man!!
Cait Sith: Not now, Friend!!
(End Flashback)

Vegeta: So that's why Cloud's been acting fruity lately.
Red XIII: Correct, he never truly recovered from that trauma.
Vegeta: And running into that tree isn't going to help any.
Barret: Damn ya tequila freak!! (punches Cait's friend)
Cait's friend: Tequila man!! (spits tequila in Barret's eyes)
Barret: ARGH!! I've been capped!!!!
Cait Sith: (picks up the Phoenix Down and uses it on Dav)
Dav: (wakes up) Damn....what happened?
Ramza: (bursts up through the floor) You mean.....what's about to happen!
Everyone: Ramza!
Dav: (jumps up into his defensive stance)
Ramza: (pants fall down)
Shampoo: So small. Plankton size.
Ramza: Hey, that's not nice!
Yuffie: Ramza! Enough! And pull your pants up!! (comes out of the shadows with Golbez and X-Death playing Twisted Metal 2 on a portable PS)
Everyone: YUFFIE!!!
Yuffie: Yes, it is I, Yuffie, and I am here to take revenge on you all!! Ramza: Master!! I can handle this myself, you didn't have to come to witness it.
Yuffie: You couldn't go to the bathroom by yourself much less pull of such a sophistacated plan.
Barret: ..........Why you gettin' revenge on us?
Yuffie: GAWD, DID YOU PEOPLE FORGET!!?!?!? The Gerudo Thieves, The Gold Saucer Destruction, Villians, Inc.!?!?!?
Everyone: Oooohhh yeeaahhhh...
Cait Sith: Oh yeah.....I never did pay you back for stealing me, did I b***h?
Yuffie: I was going to wait until tomorrow to hatch my plan....but since you all conviently decided to drop by on your own free will, I can rid you all TONIGHT!!
Cloud: (runs up to Yuffie) You can't handle the truth!!
Dav: Sorry, Cloud, but this is for your own good (whips out Atma Weapon and knocks Cloud unconscious).
Cait Sith: I seriously wouldn't assume that was for his own good.......
Red XIII: Not to mention he's a possum playing dead if we decide to do combat here.
(a crashing noise is heard) Sailor Venus: Have no fear, Sailor Venus is here!!!
Cait Sith: Whoopdy s**t.....
Cait's friend: V-BABE!!!!
Dav: Mina, can you take Cloud to a safe location?
Sailor Venus: As a defender of justice, it would be my privilage!! C'mon sleeping Cloud! See you tonight, Cait's friend!! (flies off with Cloud and blows Cait's friend a kiss)
Cait's friend: V-BABE!! (runs out after her)
Cait Sith: I bet you Cloud just became Mina's rubbermade boytoy.
Vegeta: Just don't tell your friend that!
Yuffie: Prepare to suffer a fate so horrible and so gloomy you'll be pissing waterfalls of piss!!!
Dav: I rate that the worst threat ever.
Barret: I've got it!! (takes a piece of paper and writes a note in soy sauce). Here, Red, take this, boy. Go find help! Go on boy! (puts the paper under his collar)
Red XIII: (rips out the paper and mauls Barret) What the f**k do I look like to you, a goddamn poodle!?!?!
Yuffie: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!! Golbez! X-Death! Unleash our reign of terror!!
Golbez: F**k you, d**kweed! That's cheating!
X-Death: The hell it is, you're the one who always inserts cheats and plays as Minion! Not good enough for the real game are ya?
Golbez: I'll beat you like a rabid monkey on steroids!!
X-Death: Bring it b***h!! I have Spectre on my side!!
Yuffie: (breaks the PS) I said unleash our reign of destruction!!!
X-Death: *sighs* (grabs the device from Ramza) Ramza: Hey! That was mine! Give it back, or I'm telling my mom!
Golbez: Please let me kill him now.
Yuffie: UNLEASH!!
Golbez: (impales Ramza then cuts him in half).
Yuffie: Dammit, I didn't mean kill Ramza!
Golbez: Admit it, you're glad he's dead too.
Yuffie: *sigh* Just get revenge for me, will ya?
X-Death: (walks up towards the crew with the device)
Vegeta: You know....while they were bickering, we could have easily attacked and destroyed them once and for all.
Cait Sith: Yeah, but that would end the fanfic and my heroic lead debut would be ruined, thus I would have to ownz you all as well as my contractor.
Dav: We still have time. Let's make a choice. We either can whup them with little effort once and for all and then face Tifa's wrath at the bar.... Cait Sith: Don't forget my wrath! PH34R /\/\Y |\|4K3D /\/\009L3!!!!! (moogle jumps on Dav)
Dav: Kah!! Get off me dammit!
Moogle: (hops off Dav)
Dav: As I was saying, Option 2 is we could be victims of Yuffie's pathetic attempt at revenge to buy us time to make up a classic excuse to Tifa when we return.
Red XIII: Nothing better to do, so I guess I'll be a victim as well.
Vegeta: I want a warm bed to sleep in tonight, so I choose to play along with your game.
Dav: Cait?
Cait Sith: This is my lead fanfic, so of course I'm gonna be Yuffie's b***h for a while!
Yuffie: Ah man, it's no fun if you don't TRY and struggle!
Golbez: Yeah, beat us up, we dare ya!
X-Death: (bends over and spanks his @$$) You know you want some!
Dav: On the other hand they are annoying, insolent pests.......
Vegeta: Let's kick their @$$es!!
Cait Sith: Dammit! You're gonna ruin my cameo!
Everyone except Cait: (charges at Yuffie and her gang)
Yuffie: NOW!!
X-Death: Eat............(quickly opens up the device).....Hello Kitty Soccer!!
Everyone: What the..........!?!?!?!
Barret: So.....mezmorizing........
Dav: And the little 16-bit noises make it more cute...
Red XIII: Must....act on......natural....instincts.....must.....kill......kitty..........cutness......destroying my.........mind....!!!!
(BOINK!)
Vegeta: Whoa! You don't know where the ball's gonna go next!
Cait Sith: What the living @^&^%&@^%$&@$^%@%$&^%$^#*^%&@*^%&%^*@%^*@%*^%R@^&@^&^&@@^#^&*@*^&^@&* are you
guys doing!?!?!?
Yuffie: Mwahahahahahahaha!! It seems all of them are affected but you, Caity!
Cait Sith: Well, materia b***h, I should thank you for letting the show go on, but I should also destroy your little hypnotic device you're using....what do you
call it?
Yuffie: A computer.
Cait Sith: Right, a computer.
Yuffie: Ah ha, it seems it is effecting you after all, Caity.......now that you all are under my spell, AWAY YOU GO!!!
(Yuffie throws down a rusted dildo which suddenly opens up)
Vegeta: Crap!! It's sucking us in!!
Cait Sith: No! I don't wanna turn gay!
Barret: Dav don't have to worry 'bout dat.
Dav: Hey! I am happily married and you know it!
Everyone: Craaaaaaaaaaapppppppppppp..................!!!

Cait Sith, Vegeta, Red XIII, Dav Cole and Barret have been sucked into Yuffie's rusted dildo.

Yuffie: Mwahahahahahahahaha!!! *snort* Revenge is beautiful!!
Golbez: Where did they get sucked into anyway?
Yuffie: Into a place they will never forget..........mwahahahahahaha!! *walks off*
X-Death: Golbez.... you know what we do now, don't ya?
Golbez: Right. That b***h broke our portable Playstation, and she wil pay the price......(follows her from a distance)
Cid: (runs back in) I got the dragonballs here............well, f**k!! If ya gonna cheat, Yuffie might as well come back and zap your &@&^#^%@
@$$es into some weird @$$ smellin' place where there's no electricity and ya have to take your s****y s**ts outside you @&*^#&*^#%^&@^&%%^&
@%^&@%&^%@%&^@&^@^%&@^&%@%&^^%@&^&%@^&%!^%&%^&@&%^*@&*^%^@&*%^&!^&@&^%*@^&%!^&^&@^
&%@^&%*!!!!*bleep*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!^&@^&%@^%&^%&#@^&%#^%&@^%*bleep*&@^&%%^&@%^&@^&@!
Waiter: Sir! Profanity is not allowed in our resturant!
Meanwhile, at Sector 7 store.....

Ami: Hmmm.....I dunno.....I really shouldn't be browsing this aisle....it's embarassing.....
Tifa: About damn time we're in the fic!! I was beginning to think we were gonna have to start offering bribes for showtime!
Aeris: Uhhhh, ladies? Ummm.....I have a quick question.
Tifa: Yes, you have smaller breasts then I do, and no, mine are naturally plump and juicy.
Aeris: That's a lie and you know it!!
Ami: Ladies, let's not fight...especially in this aisle....
Tifa: I'll b***h slap ya!
Aeris: You wouldn't hit a pregnant woman now would ya?
Tifa: You're right....I wouldn't....
Aeris: That means you're my inanimate punching bag until I download my baby! (jumps in the air but her water breaks right over Tifa)
Ami: That was a fast start, you must have high speed access.
Aeris: Well whatta know, that's what that uncomfortable feeling was!
Back at the Hideout

Mina: (in the bedroom) Oooo......OH!.....yeeeaaahhhh...mmmmm....
Cait's friend: Tequila man V-BABE!!
Mina: Cait's friend!! Have you gotten....larger?
Cait's friend: Tequila!!
Mina: Oh, then what's your secret? I'm feeling extra spicy today.
Cait's friend: Tequila man!!
Mina: You won't tell me?
Cait's friend: (shakes his head)
Mina: I guess it doesn't matter....back to fun!!
Cait's friend: TEQUILA!!

(downstairs)

Cloud: Dammit, I wish Tifa would hurry back home...I'm in the mood for a chesse sandwich.
Vincent: There is no cheese sandwich, only Zul......
Cloud: Know what? You've gotten extra creepy....
Vincent: (starts singing and dancing) ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!!
Cloud: Look, Vincent, there are plenty of women in the world better then Yuffie. For instance, what about that one girl at the Gunsmith shop in Sector 5?
You're always flirting with her.
Vincent: .....She doesn't like fishsticks....or my tarts....
Cloud: (slaps Vincent) NO ONE LIKES YOUR DAMN TARTS! F**k, you even admittted it yourself!!
Vincent: I have changed the recipe....I wanted Yuffie to be the first to try my new, improved tart.
Cloud: First coherent thing you've said this whole fic...
Dave: News Flash: Cloud said a semi-big word!
Cloud: F**k off! I'm not some ditzy blonde, and I'll never be either! NEVER! (gets up, but trips over his chair and lands on the table breaking it)
Vincent: ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST! YEOW!!!
Cait's friend/Mina: (come crashing through the celing on top of Cloud) Tequila man!!
Mina: Oooo, Cait's friend, you play Cowboys and Indians so well (start to do it on top of Cloud)
Cait's friend: TEQUILA!!
Cloud: Oh my God! I'm getting spooged on!! The humanity!
Vincent: AND ANOTHER ONE DOES, ANOTHER ONE DOES, ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!!
Strong Sad: (with his arms crossed) I don't like food anymore!
Dave: (boots Strong Sad out of the fic)

Back to Barret, Cait Sith, Dav, Vegeta and Red XIII....

Dav: (pops his head out and spits out sand) Damn, I think I cracked my tailbone....
Vegeta: (has already gotten out of the sand) About time you popped up. I was beginning to think you were having a tea party or something (sips some tea).
Barret: (feet sticking out of the ground) MmmmmmMMMMM!!!!
Dav: (gets out of the sand) You didn't help Barret out!?
Vegeta: Nah, I figured that mouth of his could use a good cleansing.
Barret: Mmmmmmm!!!! (shoots off his gun and the sand around him explodes...but...)
Dav: He's still stuck in the sand....
Vegeta: (laughing his @$$ off)
Barret: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!
Dav: Damn, I think he pulled a Cid just then.
Vegeta: Check this out. (he walks over to Barret, takes off Barret's boot and tickles his feet)
Barret: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!! (kicks Vegeta in the face)
Vegeta: OW!! That's it! BIG BANG........
Moogle: (lands on Vegeta and farts on him)
Cait Sith: Ooooo, my leet ninja skills have improved! I even surprised Wegeta over here.
Vegeta: The name's Vegeta you f*****g cat! And I'm going to rack you a new set of kitty litter if you don't get this fat piece of s**t off of me!!!
Cait Sith: Temper, temper, Wegeta. (walks over and pinches Vegeta's cheek). You're so cute when you're mad, yes you are!!
Vegeta: (grabs Cait with his free arm and slams him into the ground)
Dav: Whoa, Vegeta, stop man!
Vegeta: (throws Cait into Dav, hitting Dav in the face) Bite me!!
Cait Sith: You mean bite ME....get it? I hit Dav in the face, and he bit me! (rolls around laughing)
Barret: (waving his feet around laughing in the sand)
Vegeta: (manages to get the moogle off of him) Come here!! (chases Cait around)
Cait Sith: (runs away) Kick out the jams, mother f**ker!!
Vegeta: What the hell are you talking about!?!?
Moogle: (kicks Vegeta in the @$$)
Cait Sith: I made another funny! (starts laughing again)
Vegeta: ^@@&%^$%$@&^$%!$%@%#$@^$&%@&*^@&^&!!! (goes Super Saiya-jin out of anger then burns out and collapses)
Cait Sith: (walks over and pokes Vegeta's unconscious body) Guess he doesn't have the stamina like he used to....
Dav: (looks around) No...that's not it....(smells around) there is something in this desert that made him collapse like that.....might be for the best though. He looked pretty upset with you, Cait.
Cait Sith: The dude can't take a joke. He is, shall we say, socially inept.
Dav: (sighes) By the way, have you seen Red? I was sure he was sucked in with us.

Suddenly, a loud rumbling noise can be heard in the distance....

Dav: What the....!?!?
Barret: Mmmm?

Out of the sand in front of the team, a large pirana plant emerges

Plant: ROOOOOOOOOOARRRR.............*BURP*.......Excuse me!!
Dav: What the...!?!? It can talk!?!
Plant: (mocking Dav) What the!?!? It can talk!?! Of course I can talk, you dope! Where the hell do you think you are?
Dav: Actually....we don't know for sure...maybe you can tell us....?
Plant: Ahh, Canadians, we get them a lot.
Dav: No no, we're not from Canada. We are from Midgar.
Plant: Midgar? Sounds good. What is this Midgar you speak of?
Dav: Uhh, well, let's see here....It's a....
Plant: (lunges at Dav and hits him in the face and starts laughing)
Cait Sith: (rolls on the ground laughing)
Dav: (whips out the Atma Weapon) You pickin' a fight with me!?!
Plant: I guess we have another, as your friend here so deligintly put, "social inept" person here.....HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!
Cait Sith: Oh man, that was a good one!! I need to write that one down!
Barret: MMMMMMMMMMM!!!
Vegeta: (snoring)
Plant: My apologies, my name is Buorefet.
Dav: Wait a minute...(sniffs)... I smell that same smell coming from you.
Buorefet: Very good, fruitcake. You've figured it out. It's a fragrence I produce to make people go funny in the mouth because I get bored and have nothing better to do with my time.
Dav: I get it now...this fragrence is making Cait high, Vegeta incredibly mad then dead tired and Red....(hears a howling noise and runs over to see what is going on)....Oh crap...
Red XIII: (humping another wolf) HOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL!
Dav: ...It makes Red XIII horny....wonderful...
Dog 2: ROOOARRRR!!!
Dav: (looks closer) What the...!? No way!!?
Buorefet: Ooo, you're good.
Dav: (jaw drops to the floor)
Cait Sith: (starts laughing) Man, this is CLASSIC! (takes a picture and writes it down)
Dav: (smacks Cait Sith) This isn't funny!
Cait Sith: You're right...(suddenly the Moogle hits Dav in the crotch)
Dav: (falls down in pain)
Cait Sith: THAT was funny! (laughing)
Buorefet: (laughing with Cait) My friend, I'll have to write THAT one down!
Moogle: (dances around happily)
Dav: (in a high pitched voice) You...bastard...Cait....!!!
Cait Sith: (sits on top of Dav's head) Oh no, my dear Dav, I think you are missing the humor in this. Cigar?
Dav: (grabs the cigar and Cait, shoves the cigar in Cait Sith's mouth and begins beating the crap out of him)
No...more...crap...from...you...!!
Moogle: (in deep booming voice) KUPO!! (runs up behind Dav, picks him up and begins punching him repeaditly in the stomach)

Suddenly, an evil grin comes over Buorefet's smile

Back at the Hideout

Mina: Okay okay, so let me get this straight....2+2=4?
Cloud: Yes, that is about the size of it. Damn, don't you even know simplistic math!?!?
Mina: Hey, you try spending your life as Sailor V and see where it gets you!
Cloud: Your kindergarten teacher must be rolling in her grave.
Mina: How...how dare you!?!?!? AND TO THINK I SAVED YOU!! (runs off crying)
Cloud: What? I didn't even insult her.....
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!!
Cloud: Don't you start with me. I try and act all hip by saying w3rd, and all you guys do is shoot me down. What about me!?!? I have feelings too!! (starts to cry)
Vincent: *sniff* I hear ya man! (starts to cry as well)
Cait's friend: Tequila....man? (walks over) Tequila man...(hands Cloud his tequila bottle)
Cloud: Away heathen! I don't need your pity! I use f***ing Speed Stick for cryin' out loud! (still crying)
Vincent: And it just DOESN'T work!! (starts wailing)
Cloud: I know man! What a cruel world we live in!!
Mina: (walks in) I...I was raised by a bullfrog! And my kindergarten teacher was always on speed, opium, Garfield comics and Wurther's Originals all the time! WAHHHHHHHHHH!!
Cloud: *sob* *sob* I'm sorry for blaming your stupidity on your teacher. (Cloud and Vincent embrace Mina for a group crying session)
Cait's friend: (confused) Tequila.....man? (walks over and starts crying as well)

Back in the desert

Buorefet: (telepathicly) Yes Master? Yes, they are fighting among themselves...and this person, this Dav Cole, is recieving the brunt of the punishment.......no, the dog is too preoccupied right now as well....yes, yes I understand my orders. I am to eradicate the fools in a shower of pollen and Jello products...what!? You sure you want me to ask that!?....Ok, ok, I am sorry for doubting you master. (vocal) *Ahem!* Excuse me sirs.
Dav: (Atma Weapon drawn) You like it rough Caity? You've always liked it rough haven't ya!?!?
Cait Sith: Oo hoo, I'm tickled pink....and stoned like a mother f**ker! Heeheeheeheeheehee! (makes a quick leap onto Dav's head and slams his megaphone down on top of it)
Moogle: (walks up with a wooden spoon and starts banging on the megaphone)
Dav: Ahhh!! (drops Atma Weapon and tries to take the megaphone off his head)
Buorefet: *Ahem*
Barret: (STILL stuck in the sand and waving his feet around like crazy) Mmmmmmmm!!!
Buorefet: EXCUSE ME!
Dav: (takes the megaphone off and picks up the Atma Weapon) F**K OFF!!! We're in the middle of something, you burocratic piece of s**t!! (performs the Justice Slash on Buorefet)
Buorefet: Oh my...kind of....kinky if you think about it....wahahahahahahahahahah...ugh!! (dies)
Dav: (drops the Atma Weapon) Wha......what just happened!?!
Cait Sith: (shakes his head and dusts himself off) Uhh...I feel like I was attacked by Red XIII's chemical warfare abilities....
Red XIII: (stops what he was doing) What the....what am I doing....(looks down) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! (barfs on the wolf then mauls it to death)
Wolf: I die a happy wolf. (dies)
Red XIII: (starts to shake violently from shock) What the f**king hell was I DOING!?!?!
Dav: Red!! Up here!
Red XIII: (collapses) I...I didn't do....what I thought....I was doing....did I!?!?! HHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWLLLLL!!!
Dav: S**t, Red collapsed! (runs over to him)
Cait Sith: Must have had a taste of his own medicine....now he knows how we feel everytime he unleases mustard gas on us (hops back onto his moogle).
Vegeta: (wakes up and looks around) What the hell monkeys happend!?
Barret: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!
Cait Sith: Think we should help Barret out?
Vegeta: Well, we need all the help we can get...maybe in like two hours.
Cait Sith: Sounds like a plan. (puts on shades, lays back on his moogle and sips on a cocktail)
Dav: Red! Are you okay?
Red XIII: ....I can't live any longer....
Dav: Hey! Snap out of it, b***h! (slaps Red)
Red XIII: (jumps on Dav and mauls him) I'm no one's b***h! NO ONE'S! YOU GOT ME, PANSY BOY!?!?
Dav: Red! Calm down, I promise I'll explain what happened. But first, let's get Barret out of the sand. (looks over to Vegeta and Cait Sith) Hey you two! Help Barret out of the sand!
Vegeta: Who died and made you king?!?
Cait Sith: Yeah, I'm trying to get some great sun for my coat. Besides, I'm the star of this fic, and you're not doing anything constructive. Get him out yourself.
Dav: Impotent fools...at least their normal again. Come on, Red.
Red XIII: You promise to tell me what happened, right!? Because of you don't, I'll bite off your manhood and you'll have to search the Seven Seas for it back!
Dav: I said I'd promise, didn't I? (turns to Red and smiles)
Red XIII: (mauls Dav again)
Dav: The hell was that for!?!?
Red XIII: (eyes him) No smiling! Smiling BAD! Bad I say!!
Dav: I gotcha, I gotcha....sheesh....
Vegeta: Looks like Red and Dav are getting along just fine.....
Cait Sith: I'd say, looks like their having a Kodak moment....say, I have a camera, maybe I should snap a photo and place it in my memory book.....
Dav: (zips behind Cait with the Atma Weapon to his throat) Do it, and out goes your circuit board.
Cait Sith: Hey man, I was just joking. You know, ha ha ha? Hee hee hee? Who ho ho?
Dav: (sheathes the Atma Weapon) I'm sorry, Cait, it's just of what happened.
Cait Sith: What did happen? All I remember is we arrived here, some big plant thing came out and then I remember being face down in the sand asking "What the hell happened?"
Dav: Once we get Barret out, I'll explain everything.

So, Dav, Vegeta and Cait finally get Barret out of the sand...naturally, Barret is f**king pissed.

Back at AVALANCHE HQ

Cid: (enters the bar) Man, those s**t-for-brains had to ditch me to leave me to endure the wrath of Tifa...(drops the Dragonballs on the floor). Well, I guess I can watch the Dukes before the girls come back and I hear the screetching scream of Hell in my ear....(hears sobbing) The f**k!?!? Don't tell me she decided to do the crying thing!? I hate it when women do that! I feel all guilty and s**t! (runs into the room) Tifa, I'm sorry for letting Cait's friend destroy the....WHAT THE @^&*@%^%!%^@!$%@%$&^!$%&^^$&%^!%^%$!!?!?!
Cloud: *sob* Look, it's Cid. *sniff* Have you come to cry as well?
Cid: (shocked expression) Wh....What the f**k is wrong with you!?!?! Big man Cloud f**king crying!! From the look on your face I'd say Tifa snatched off your balls and used them to make tapioca puddin'!!
Vincent: *sniff* Yuffie loved tapioca.....(starts wailing again)
Cloud: *sniff* Tifa isn't back yet....we're just having a soft moment right now...
Mina: MY KINDERGARTEN TEACHER WAS A WHORE!!!!!! (wails)
Cait's friend: (hugs Mina) Tequila man.....(starts to cry again)
Cid: Damn, I think I stepped into the wrong pile of s**t on the way back or something....... (walks out of the room and closes the door)

INTERMISSION

Dave: And now, we have a special presentation for you. Cloud, Vincent, Mina and Cait's friend would all like to sing you guys a song.....here they are with the punk band Social Distortion's "Ball and Chain". The lyrics of the song will be in Italics. Take it away you whiny little babies!!

Cloud: Thank you, Dave (picks up a feather duster and uses it as a microphone). *sniff* Hit it, Vincent!
Vincent: (playing the acoustic guitar) Oh man, I suck at playing this thing....
Cloud: Hey! *sniff* Shut your trap! I'm the one who leads off singing!
Vincent: We're all sad here....let us share the experience *sniff*
Cloud: Well it's been ten years and a thousand tears, and look at the mess I'm in.
Cait's friend: (holds up a picture of the trashed bar)
Cloud: A broken nose, and a broken heart, an empty bottle of gin.
Cait's friend: (holds up an empty bottle of gin)
Cloud: Well I sit, and I pray, in my broken down Chevorlet...
Cid: (making stupid faces)
Cloud: While I'm singing to myself, there's got to be..... ACHOO!!! *sniff* another way.
Cloud/Cait's friend/Vincent/Mina: (holding each other's shoulders while swaying to the music) Take away, take away, take away this ball and chain. I'm lonely and I'm tired, and I can't take anymore pain.
Cid: (holds up a cardboard cut out of Martha Stewart and breaks it)
Cloud/Cait's friend/Vincent/Mina: Take away, take away, never to return again. Take away, take away, take way this ball and chain Vincent:Well I've searched, and I've searched to find the perfect life
Cid: (starts chuckling)
Vincent: (looks back toward Cid) You need to be more sensitive to other people's emotions, Cid.
Cid: (rolls on the floor laughing)
Vincent: A brand new car and a brand new suit...
Cait's friend: (holds up a pic of Turk Vincent)
Vincent:I even got me a little wife...
Cait's friend: (holds up a pic of Lucrecia)
Cid: And she was whore!!
Vincent: Cid, I am going to have an emotional breakdown if you don't stop it!
Cid: (continues to roll on the floor laughing)
Vincent: But wherever I have gone, I was sure to find myself there. You can run all your life and not go anywhere.
Cid: Like a fat@$$ on a treadmill.
Cloud/Vincent/Cait's friend/Mina: (ignoring Cid)Take away, take away, take away this ball and chain. I'm sick....
Cait's friend: (barfs all over the place)
Cloud/Vincent/Mina: ...and I'm tired. And I can't take anymore pain. Take away, take away, never to return again. Take away, take away, take away this ball and chain
Cid: (picks up a morning star and starts swinging it around)
Cait's friend: (holds up signs with the lyrics and barf on them) Well I'll pass the bar on the way to my dingy hotel room
Vincent: (holds up a pic of Don Corneo's mansion)
Cait's friend: I spent all my money, been drinking since half-past noon (points to the numerous alcohol bottles around him.
Cid: (continues to swing the morning star around) S**t, I can't tell what they're singing...for all I know they're plotting to give me a good @$$ kicking after this.....
Cait's friend:I'll wake there in the morning or maybe in the county jail
Cloud: (holds up the same pic of the trashed bar as before)
Cait's friend:Times are getting harder. I'm born to lose and destined to fail (flashbacks to his numerous deaths)
Cloud/Cait's friend/Vincent/Mina: Take away, take away, take away this ball and chain
Cid: (accidently releases the morning star from his grip) Oh s**t!!
Cloud/Cait's friend/Vincent/Mina: I'm lonely, and I'm tired, and I can't take anymore pain
Cait's friend: (gets hit by the morning star in the back of the head and dies)

Cid: Ah dammit....ah forget it! Bunch of whiny losers and their emotions! (walks out of the room)

Cloud/Vincent/Mina: Take away, take away, never to return again. (shows Cait's friend's dead body) Take away, take away, take away this ball and chain....
Vincent: I summon CHAOS!! (turns into Chaos and runs into the other room)
Cid: What the....!?!? HEY YOU DEMON F**K!! THOSE ARE MY DUKES TAPES!!!
Vincent: Wahahahahahahahhahahahah!!! (smashes the tapes) I am......CHAOS!! That'll teach you to respect the emotional!! Cid: I KNEW YOU S**TS WERE PLOTTING SOMETHING!!! &*@&^%@^%*@$^%&@$%$%^@$^%#@$^%^%$@%&^@^&*@^&*@^&*^@&%%^@&%^$@%$^@%^@%^@&^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (grabs his spear and tries to ram it up Vincent's @$$)

Dave: And there ya have it folks! Part 2 will start (interupted by Mina's screeching scream) Hmmmm....must have seen Cait's friend dead....oh well, Part 2 will come soon!! Stay tuned!!

OFFICIAL END OF PART 1

Author's Commentary

-You may notice the protagonist ladies haveen't appeared very much thus far. That is because they really will not play a huge role in this fic like in the previous saga ones. There will be cut scenes with them, but nothing to the extent of the previous fics.

-Yes yes, Dav is getting a bit picked on att this point in time, but I promise that will subside throughout the rest of the fic. I mean, everyone's gotta get picked on a little bit from time to time, right?

-Cait Sith's line to Dav is in leetspeak. It says "fear my naked moogle".

TO BE CONTINUED AT THE AUTHOR'S LEISURE


Start reading Ramza's Last Stand

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