Debut of Lord Zeta
By Holy Lord Holocaust
SCENE: A typical evening at Tifas bar, which has been remodeled into a mansion of sorts.
Sephiroth has been defeated, and although joy spread throughout
the land...boredom set in quickly. With no super-human villains
threatening humanity, the cast of FF7 simply waste their
lives away at the Seventh Heaven watching TV, or occasionally
taking a trip to the Golden Saucer to play around with the
unbelievable amount of gil they made by selling off a few
of their mastered All-Materias. But all of that is about to change...
Cid: Hell yeah! 24-hour marathon of nothing but the Dukes! (Opens a can of hash.)
Aeris: BUT OPRAH-!!!!
Cid: *($^!@*#&^@*!&#^ OPRAH! WE AINT MISSIN' A SECOND OF THE DUKES!!!!!
Barret: We ain't gonna miss no episode of Mr.T either!!!!!
(Authors Note: Watch it on Boomerang! Its hilarious!)
Cloud: (Trying hard to sound cool) I swear if I miss a minute of Captain Planet...
Yuffie: Yeah well why don't you have another seizure or something,
with your spiked-up hair and- (gets smacked into the wall near
the left corner HARD by the side of Ultima Weapon, instant KO)
Cloud: BI@TH!!!
Everybody: Diss...
Cait Sith: (coming down the elevator) GUYS LOOK! (holds up a magazine)
I made the cover of Cat Fancy!
Red XIII: WHAT!?!?!? YOU WERE MY REPLACEMENT!?!?!?!?!
(Mauls Cait Sith viciously)
Everybody:....
Barret: (breaking the silence) Man who the @^#* really give a &@#*#!!!!
Tifa: (finally speaking up) Rachel's giving birth on Friends! I can't miss it!!!
Everybody: #$*&@#@*&#(*#@&($& FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!
Tifa: But-!
Barret: I pity da foo' who miss Mr.T!
Cloud: NO WAY! CAPTAIN PLANET AND THAT'S FINAL!!!
Cid: (Standing up on the sofa) EVERYBODY SHUT THE @$#*(&!(*#@&$(*!#&$*(&!#@$(
*&*&#@$^*&#^$&*#^@$&*^#@$&*^#@*(&$^(*&^#(&*^*#^$*&@^$&*(^#$&)
(#@&$)*(#@&$*&(#&(*)$&()@#&$*()&#@$*(&#@
$(*&(#)@&$(&#@$(*&#($)*&(#)@$&(*#@&$*
()#&@$&(*#@&$ UP! DUKES ARE ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Constant yelling, screaming, and fighting goes on for about twenty
minutes until the elevator lowers with a mysterious man aboard
with his back turned to the party. Silence washes over the party
as they turn their gaze to the mysterious being in massive,
broad armor sporting a cape, bandana, spikey Chrono-style
brown hair, and a trimmed beard thats close to his face and not
covering it. Basically...he looks pretty bad@$$.)
Everybody: Huh...?
(A mysterious wind blows from nowhere, making the mans cape, bandana,
and hair blow in a dramatic fashion)
Mysterious Man: Is this how you all act everyday...?
Barret: Man who the @&#$...!
Mysterious Man: Zeta...thats my name.
(Silence goes on for a few seconds until the fighting starts up again)
Cid: (turning back to the TV) VINCE!!!! GIMME
THAT GOD-@(*#*(@!&$(*@&!# REMOTE!!!!!
Vincent: (watching the Grand Ole Opry.)
Cid: (jumps on Vincent and they start rumbling over the remote.)
(Soon the whole party is in on the fight, with curses and obscenities
being screamed nonstop as a 7-Man rumble breaks out)
Zeta: (walks toward the KO'd Yuffie leaning against the wall in a
coma) What the... (leans down and sees a massive bruise
covering the whole side of her face) My God...
FF7 Party: (pays no attention, continues rumbling.)
Zeta: Hey guys...you got a hurt comrade here...
FF7 Party: (still pays no attention)
Zeta: No seriously, shes not responding!
FF7 Party: (refuses to pay attention and keeps on brawling)
Zeta: (grabs Cait Siths HP Shout, stands up on the sofa and screams through it)
EVERYBODY CALM THE@*&*(&(*#@($*&(&#@$(&#@($&*(*#@&$(*&#@$*(&#@(%&@!)
(*_!@#+_()@!_#I(I)@!I#)(@!)(#**&$)@!(**^%()#@$&*)(*&$(_@!
#*_&()@$_@*!#)(&@$_*@!()#*&)$&@!#*()@&*$)@!#)*@!)&$)
@!(*#)(&$@)!(&#$)(*$)(*@!+*#)+(@*#)&$(*&(@!#&()*@&#)(@!
&#)(&@!#)(&@!#()&@!)#(*&@(!)*#&()*$)(@!#&&@!*#&_$&@_(
#*^_(@$*&_@!#&_(@!&*#_&!@&#_&*&_*#_!&#&_*@!&#_@*#
_&($_&@_#$&_@#&_@*$_(@!*#_*@!#_*_@!*#*())@!*(#*()#@
()*!(@*#)@*(!#**)(***#)$**#@&$&@#*&&$@#$^&(@#&$@!)#*) DOWN!!!!
Everybody: WHOA! ZETA PULLED A CID!!
Cid: Damn tootin'!!!!!!
(silence)
Cid: WHAT?!?!!
Zeta: Incase you all haven't noticed...
(points toward Yuffie) She's unconscious...
Cloud: Yeah, serves her right!!!
Barret: I pity da foo' who miss-
Vincent: Barret...
Barret: What?!?!?!
Vincent: No one cares about Mr.T...in fact, I'm sure most of us wish
he would go to hell, with his stupid 1-800-COLLECT
commercials and rot there for awhile...
Barret: (limit break meter grows) Yeah well who da f*ck watch
country? If you ask me, it aint nothin' but gay cowboys
*&@#*(&@# with bulls!!!!
Vincent: (limit break meter grows)
Tifa: Well Friends is real people in real situations!!!!!
Zeta: No way in hell...are we watching Friends...
Tifa: WHAT?! (limit break meter grows)
Cid: Damn right! We're watching the Dukes!
Cloud: (singing) Captain Planet!!! Hes the hero!!!!
Delita: (runs around the room in a giant circle)
Ramza: (chasing him) Come back here Delita! I will not disgrace my family!!!!
(Both run out)
Everybody:...
(Fighting resumes. Cait Sith and Red XIII are at a standstill in the
corner over the last piece of Meow Mix. Western music fills the air.)
Vincent: Nice...
(Everybody cringes as Vincent begins singing)
Vincent: (terribly off key and screeching) Got a little cow, got a little
chicken! Got a little barn, got a little garden! COUNTRY
ROADS-TAKE ME HOME!!!!!!!!!!
Zeta: My god!!! (covers his ears)
(Out of nowhere both Cait Sith and Red lunge at Vincent
and a huge brawl breaks out)
Aeris: Oh my god! Oprahs almost off! Let me watch the last few minutes!!!!!!
Cid: NO GOD @#)($*&@#$(* DAMNIT! DUKES ARE ON SO SHUT IT!!!!
Cloud: (lunges for the remote) Captain Planets final thought!!!!!!
(TV) Captain Planet: So remember kids! Recycling is cool! (Thumbs up)
Everybody:......
(Again, the entire FF7 cast breaks out into a brutal brawl.)
Delita: (runs into the room but is pulled into the rumble)
Ramza: Come back here Delita! I will not dis-AHHH!
(Pulled into the rumble)
Zeta: (to Yuffie) How terrible...
(Zeta begins casting Life 4 on Yuffie. While the spell begins to work,
he goes upstairs and fixes himself and her a drink, for he was
taught to respect women.)
Zeta: Hmm…lets see…
(grabs himself a beer, coke, and helps himself to the cabinet)
*DOWNSTAIRS*
Ramza: Wait a second! EVERYBODY HOLD ON A SECOND!!!!!!!
(Everybody stops fighting)
Ramza: If we're all gonna sit here and brawl all night,
lets at least use some class!!
Delita: Oh God help us…
(Ramza spaces out everyone across the room)
Cid: #!@^!*@&#^!)@&#^ are you doing?!!?!
Ramza: Its tactics time!!! Now, everybody walk in place!
(Since FF7 characters have no idea how to do that, they simply
march in place. Ramza takes out a big black marker
and begins to draw a grid that covers the entire floor)
Delita: Ramza, please stop this…
Ramza: NO! If we're all gonna brawl, then we're gonna do it like
gentlemen! (takes out a scroll and figures out the turn order)
Cloud: (takes advantage of this opportunity to dive for the remote)
Ramza: (catches Cloud and throws him back against the wall)
Penalty!!!! Penalty!!!! You lose a turn!!!!
Cloud: What??!! DAMNIT!!!!
Cait Sith: Look at Cloud getting punished by a man with a ponytail.
Ramza: (points at Cait) No talking out of turn!!!!
Delita: Lets just do this quick and get it over with…
Zeta: (comes down the elevator with a drink in his hand, cleared out
most of the food upstairs. Notices the grid on the
floor and everyone walking in place)….Hmm…
Ramza: Alright, your objective is to be the last man or woman
standing! Winner takes TV for a week!!! Understood?!
Everybody: ALRIGHT!!!!
Ramza: Now sign this! (rolls out an official scroll of honor)
Zeta: I think I'll sit out on this one…(takes his seat next to Yuffie,
outside of the crowd of heroes signing the scroll of honor)
Yuffie: (eyes open) Mmm….
Zeta: (very quietly, almost in a whisper) Are you all right, my lady?
Yuffie: (snaps into reality) Huh?! MY LADY??!!? (looks over at Zeta)
Cloud: Better not hear any more bad-mouthing on my past problems ya little &#@%#!
Yuffie: Not my fault!!!
Zeta: Wait a second…you KO'd her?!?!
Cloud: Of course I did! Everybody does!!!
Zeta: Damn…
Yuffie: (quietly, trying to sound sweet) You see how they treat me?!!
Zeta: Quite harshly…(hands her a soda) Would you like a drink?
Yuffie: Nah…How about I go fix you something?!
Zeta: I'll get it myself. Asking a woman for something is just…well,
not a good thing to do.
Yuffie: Oh cut out the Knight in shining armor routine!
(runs to the elevator and rides it up.)
*UPSTAIRS*
Yuffie: (opening a secret compartment at the back of the cabinet.) Aha!
(Pulls out a bottle filled with clear liquid) One drink and I'll own him!
For once I WILL have a man!!!! (pours some beer into a glass and
mixes the potion with it.)
*DOWNSTAIRS*
Cloud: Do you know what you're-
Ramza: No talking out of turn!!!!!!
Cloud: QUIET YOU!!! (To Zeta) Do you even
know what kind of a woman Yuffie IS?!?!
Zeta: All I know is that she is a woman…and that is all I need to know.
Every woman deserves respect.
Red XIII: We're not even sure if she IS a woman!!!
(Everybody erupts in laughter except Zeta)
Zeta: What does she do that makes you all hate her so much…?
Cait Sith: She steals our material!!!
Barret: She poke me wit the Shuriken in the @$$!!!!!
Cloud: She don't even got an @$$!!!
(Everybody laughs again except for Zeta)
Zeta: Now how do you know that?
Everyone: Diss…
Aeris: She walked ALL OVER my flowers!!!!
Tifa: She wore my panties and skidded them!!
Red XII: She poured hot sauce all over my Kibbles n' Bits!!
Vincent: She constantly opens my coffin and screams "PEEK A BOO!!!" for no reason.
Cid: Every god-!@#*&!@#*(!@$@*!$ time we ride in the Highwind, she
@)!(&#@)&*#@ pukes ALL OVER the @(#*&(!@&#(* place!!!!
Zeta: Well, she can't help that…
Cid: She can swallow it!!
Everybody: EWIES!!!
Barret: What kind of a pansy-@$$ word is ewies?!?!
Everybody: DISGUSTING!!!!!!
Zeta: Well…I guess Yuffie isn't really that sweet and innocent after all…
Cid: Damn tootin'!
Everybody:….
Cid: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Zeta: Hold on a second…I haven't even introduced myself yet…
Cloud: Well go ahead!
Zeta: (stands up) I am Lord Zeta, messenger and servant of the author of
this fanfic, Holy Lord Holocaust. I'm a Knight, as you can see…
Ramza: Really?! How many Breaks do you know?
Cloud: Hey, wheres your weapon!!!
Zeta: Holy Lord Holocaust shall grant me one…(holds his hand to the sky
as Soul Calibur is drawn above him. After the drawing is finished, it
turns into a real sword, and drops into the hands of Zeta.)
Everybody: Whoa…
(Suddenly, straps are drawn out of nowhere onto Zetas left arm. Soon, a
giant tower shield is being drawn, attached to the strap. When the
drawing is complete, it transforms into a real shield.)
Everybody: Ohhh…Ahhh…
Zeta: (takes a few practice swings with the massive blade) This'll do.
Ramza: Hey guys! Aren't you all forgetting!?!?!
Everybody: Oh yeah…
(Everybody gets into their positions except for Zeta,
who sits down on the floor and watches.)
Ramza: Alright, here we go! (Looks at the list) Okay Cid, your turn!! (Blue
squares illuminate around him.)
Cid: Hell yeah! (Moves two squares from Barret and
stabs him with the spear)
Barret: (fires back with his gunarm while screaming curses)
Ramza: (Doing the Time-Out signal) Penalty!!!! PENALTY!!! Illegal
counter!!! Lose of turn!!
Barret: (fires a few warning shots at Ramza that barely miss his head)
Ramza: You cut that out!!! (Reads the scroll) Alright Delita, your-
Yuffie: (coming down the elevator) YOOHOO!!!!
Everybody: Oh god…
Yuffie: (hands Zeta the glass) Gotcha something!!
Zeta: Your quite cheery…nice to see.
Ramza: I SWEAR TO GOD IF WE GET ONE MORE INTERRUPTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Delita: Hey calm down alright?! (moves next to Tifa
and successfully uses Steal Heart.)
Cloud: (shocked) WHAT!!!!???
Everybody: (laughs.)
Ramza: Alright Cloud, your turn!
Cloud: (runs to Delita, who happens to be out of range, and viciously attacks)
Tifa: (runs over and starts beating on Cloud) Get off of my man!!!
Ramza: PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!!
PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!!
PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!!
Zeta: (Gets up, wiping his mouth.) ENOUGH! (takes off his cape, revealing a rocket pack.)
Ramza: (points at Zeta) Illegal Equipment! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!!
PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!!
PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!!
PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!! PENALTY!!!
Zeta: I'm a Rocket Knight stupid!!! (jumps up, does a flip, then Rocket
Tackles Ramza through a wall.)
Ramza: (gets up and starts swinging his blade wildly while
screaming "Time Out!!!" and "Penalty!!!"
(All hell breaks loose. Soon it's a huge brawl again, but this
time everyones Limit Breaks are charged.)
Cloud: (Omnislashes Delita into next week.)
Tifa: (puts the Combo Beatdown on Cloud.)
Cait Sith: (uses Slots to turn giant.)
Red XIII: (Finds the bag of Meow Mix and shreds it, then eats
all the goodies inside)
Vincent: (Turns into Chaos and goes berserk on everything.)
Zeta: (Sees Yuffie watching and laughing…then suddenly
gets extremely turned on)
Zeta: Oh my…
Yuffie: (waves and smiles)
Zeta: (almost faints)
Ramza: ZETA!!! I will not disgrace my fam-
Barret: (Clothelines Ramza with his gunarm) I'm so god damn
sick n' tired of hearing that!!
Zeta: (Sneaks out of the huge rumble over the Yuffie and whispers into her
ear) Can we go somewhere where we can talk…?
Yuffie: Sure!!! (Thinking: OH MY GOD!! ITS REALLY WORKING!!!)
(Zeta and Yuffie take the elevator up, leaving everybody else fighting.
When they get up there, Zeta takes a seat at the bar while Yuffie lays
down on it in front of him)
Yuffie: So! What do ya want? (Already knows.)
Zeta: I want…you…
Yuffie: (acting surprised) REALLY?!?!
Zeta: Never have I thought that a woman of such beauty and grace
could roam the Earth…
Yuffie: Aww, your so shweet!!! (giggles, making Zeta even hornier.)
Zeta: Is there a room in here where we can be alone…?
Yuffie: We ARE alone, silly!!!
Zeta: (thinking hes about to crash, ya know?) Yeah…
Yuffie: You're a rocket knight, right?
Zeta: Yes…a master of the Job.
Yuffie: (leaning in) Well…lets see how well your thrusters work… (winks)
Zeta: (Looks at her for a few seconds before getting up on the bar, taking
off his armor, and…well, I'm sure you know what went on for the rest
of the night.)
*THE NEXT MORNING*
(The basement is utterly destroyed. The walls are full of huge holes, the
carpet is shredded, the sofa is ruined, and the TV is damaged beyond repair.)
*UPPER FLOOR*
Zeta: (Wakes up on Yuffie) God, what a night…(stretches) Yuffie you ROCK!!!
Yuffie: Baby you were GREAT!!!
Zeta: Before the others get up here, how about getting dressed? (Hops off
the bar, looking for his plate mail)
Yuffie: (Looks for her shorts.)
*BASEMENT*
Ramza: (wakes up face down, with a sharp pain in the back of his head.)
Ahhh…damn…(proceeds to wake up the others.)
Barret: *@#& man…I think I shot myself in da @$$!
Tifa: (waking up in a room far back in the basement)
Delita…why…?
Delita: (wakes up, covered in pain) Because I loved you,
but you didn't love me…
Cloud: DELITA YOU'RE SO DEAD!!
Tifa: Cloud, its alright…I still love you…
(Soon, everybody has awakened. Pain is a common feeling amongst the
crowd, but nothing could compare them to the sight they saw)
Cid: (Jaw drops) TV…the TV! THE #@$*(&#()$&#$(@#)$&)(*@!&#$)(* TV!!!
Vincent: NO! Garth Brooks concert is today!!!
Everybody: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Authors Note: And that concludes Chapter 1. Stay tuned…