I knew, I loved you when I first saw you!
What is to Become?
by Angel love

She loves me. When I first heard her say it I thought she was just joking. That she wasn't seriously in love with me a demon, a monster. But against all other powers that tried to stop us she continued to love me for whom I was something I thought nobody could do. Not after what I did. Not after the killing and the bloodbaths. But she stood by me with her head up high. In all of the 80 years that I have had my soul I never thought anybody could love me knowing what I was and what I had done and my limitations. But none of that mattered to her she knew what I was and loved me in spit of it all. She knew about my past even though I tried to hide it from her she found out and much to my surprise still loved me. She even made love to me, she lost her virginity to me. She trusted me with everything that she had. She made her self-valuable enough to lay naked in my arms. She was my world my everything I needed her. And to any god that would listen to me I prayed that she needed me ! too.

All I need is her as long as I live she is all that matters to me. I long for the nights was I could wrap her in my arms and tell her everything will be ok. To protect her and to love. I would kill anybody who would ever try and hurt her. I would die a thousand times over and over again if that would make her feel safe or help her in anyway. She is what keeps me going when I can't see the light that radiates off of her. She is what keeps my sane keeps my soul the dominant part. She gives me possibilities that I would never would have dreamed of unless I am with her.

And after all she did for me, after she made love to me, I lost my soul. I began to hurt her and her friends. And all because I wasn't careful enough I should have never let myself get that far. I should have stopped, but still there is a part of me that wouldn't give that moment that we were one up for anything.

I killed her friends I took pleasure in torturing her. I sneaked into her bedroom at night and left nothing but the fear that at anytime I could come in a kill her and her mother. But then that was just too simply for Angelus he had to torture her until the brink of insanity and then kill her mercilessly. But before he could ever do that he would need to slowly kill off all her friends leaving the Slayer a different person, a broken shell of what she used to stand for.

And all the time all I could do is scream and watch my body and the demon inside it taunt her tease her and torture her. I wish I could have held her and killed Angelus myself to end her pain. But the sad truth was I couldn't the only thing that I could hope for is for her to kill my body and end her pain her suffering.

But still some part of me still hoped that my soul could be returned to my body and I could yet again hold her in my hands and whisper comforting words into her ear as she rested her head on my chest and cried. I would give anything to hold her again. I hope beyond hope that somehow somebody would find a curse to return my soul to me body. But it was selfish of me to hope that when the same body was torturing the only person who loved me she made love to that night.

But then when at last my soul was returned to me it was to late the portal was already starting to open. I didn't know why she did what she did at the time but now I know she did what she had to do and I was proud of her for doing that. For sending me to a place where I truly belong to be. And most important was the fact that now Angelus could ever hurt her again.

But for some unknown reason I was brought back to this world, I could hold her again. And for the first time since she sent me to hell, I held her with everything that we shared that night with all my soul and all of my silent heart I hugged not wanted to ever let go again. I lost her twice before I will not lose her again.

Even though I did all those things to her and to her friends when I lost my soul they still forgave me something that I never thought I could or would deserve. And the hate that I had seen in her eyes before had faded every single trace of that it was ever there was the memory of looking into her eyes as Angelus tortured her mercilessly. Now it was replaced with love and compassion and the trust that we shared together and forever.

I know I can't be with him, I know it is hard but I don't care I love him and he is the world to me and he is my everything that I will ever need. When I am scarred I run to him. He takes me in his arms and comforts me and tells me that everything is going to work out for the best. And I believe him. When I am in his arms the world disappears just leaving Angel and me standing there. The world is at peace when I am with him.

I know he is a vampire but I don't care I love him. It wasn't his fault for what he did when he didn't have his soul. He is a good person deep inside he would never hurt anybody yet people treat him like trash. Why can't they see what I see? Why can't the world just leave us be? But unfortunately it is not that way. The world testes us outs us at odds. Tests our love and how strong we are? The world I guess just won't accept a Slayer and Vampire in love. But I don't care. As long as I have him I will be ok.

I can hardly go a minute without thinking about him, his face, his chocolate brown eyes, his very seldom shown smile, his arms, his strong protective hands, his spiky brown hair. It was like he was perfect. The man of my dreams. Yet why did he have to be a demon? Is the world against me? I am just an 18 years old why do I have to deal with demons and monsters and vampires what did I ever do to deserve this? Why couldn't she just be a normal girl that stays out late at the bronze not worrying about slaying five hundred year old vampires, talking about her newest date and what she is going to wear to her prom. Why couldn't I worry about makeup and clothes instead of training and what next are going to challenge me? Why?

The only good thing was Angel, he knew what it was like on the other hand her friends knew nothing about the responsibility I have to carry with me. Why couldn't I just spend a nice quiet night studying and talking on the phone with friends and gossiping about who has a better butt on the football team? Why me?

Why do I have to go through so much pain? I have to daily go around and save people's life and study for tests and spend time with her friends and date her vampire boyfriend.

I love Angel with all my heart. And the night that we made love was the best night of my life and also the night part of me died. When I awoke to find nobody I was shocked non-the least but why would Angel leave? Then when I had came back to his apartment I found him there and he treated me in a way I have never seen from Angel why would he try and hurt my like that? Why was he mocking me? I didn't understand at the time but soon I would find out that Angel was no longer Angel he had reverted to his demon self, he turned into Angelus. He spent hours on end trying to torture me and my friends to make me crack and the truth was it was working I was falling. Falling into a pit of pain nobody could help me nobody tried. Sure Willow and Xander tried and so did Giles but the effect of Angelus playing his game on me was taking its toll and I couldn't do or think about anything. The person that I trusted that I loved was gone. I couldn't move I couldn't breath. When I needed him the most he was nowhere to be found. But the day came that I got up enough hatred that Angelus had gave me and I raised the sword and before I could totally understand what happened he was my Angel again. But it was too late for him. The portal was already opening and I knew what I had to do. So I told him to close his eyes and I kissed him then I sent my lover to hell.

I never thought I could do it but I did. My only hope was that he could forgive me for doing this to him.

And like my dream had been answered he came back to me. And he still loved me he still worried for my safety. And the only thing that matter at that point was that I had already lost him once I am not going to lose him again. And we stayed there hugging and kissing like we did on that one night that changed us in more then one way!

The END!

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